Policies at Trump Hospital


TO: All Trump Hospital staff and employees
RE: Practices & Procedures

1) Before treating any patient, first determine whose fault it is that treatment is needed. If it is the patient’s own fault (or the fault of the patient’s parents), the only treatment required is a disapproving glare.

2) If a patient complains of an illness or injury that he or she also experienced on a previous occasion but did not seek treatment for, it is not permissible to treat it now. Problems must be addressed the first time they occur or not at all. You may ask the patient, “Where was your outrage when this happened before?”

3) You need not concern yourself with the quality of care in your hospital as long as you can point to another hospital where it is worse (or where the people listening to you will at least believe it is worse).

4) Any patient who was born in your hospital, regardless of current age, deserves treatment. Patients who were born elsewhere may be treated on a case-by-case basis, but only if there are no native-born patients waiting. If they wanted hospital benefits, they should have worked harder to be born here.

5) A patient who has arrived at your hospital via illegal means such as jaywalking or speeding, or whose injury was suffered in the commission of a crime, should not be given even basic hygiene supplies, as this will turn him or her into a moocher.

6) Patients who arrive at the hospital by legal means but are the same color and speak the same language as those who arrive by illegal means may be lumped into the same category with them.

7) Hospital employees who belong to Facebook groups devoted to disparaging and vilifying hospital patients MUST keep their profile settings to “private.”

8) Though this facility is often designated a “Christian hospital,” that refers only to the individual people inside of it and should not be taken to mean that the hospital as an institution intends to operate by Christian principles. Hospitals, like nations and churches, must be run like a business.

9) Religious discrimination is not allowed under any circumstances unless BOTH of the following conditions are met:
– The person doing the discriminating is Christian; and
– The person being discriminated against is not.

10) It is permissible for hospital conditions to be deplorable and inhumane as long as you announced ahead of time that it was your intention to make them that way. There are plenty of other hospitals people can go to if they want to be treated like human beings.

11) Individuals who criticize the hospital should be told to return to the hospital they were born in. This also applies to critics who were born in this hospital who are the same ethnicity as people who were born in other hospitals. (People who were born in this hospital who criticize this hospital and are white are patriots.)

12) Remember that this hospital is both a shining beacon of excellence that surpasses all other hospitals AND a filthy, crime-ridden hellscape that only the current head of hospital can fix.