MODERATOR: Good evening. We are pleased to present this televised debate between the two candidates for President of the United States: Senator Casper T. Goest and Senator Batt Bloodgood. The format is as follows: I will introduce a topic, and the candidates will bicker about it until I interrupt them. Gentlemen, welcome.
SEN. CASPER T. GOEST: Thank you.
SEN. BATT BLOODGOOD: Thank you.
MODERATOR: Your first topic is the economy. Senator Goest, you won the crotch-kicking contest backstage, so you get the first response.
SEN. GOEST: Thank you, nameless moderator. Our nation’s economy continues to struggle, and many people are still out of work. As a ghost — that is, as the disembodied spirit of a deceased person — I know firsthand how hard it is to find a job, or to find rest for my tormented soul, or to find closure for the unfinished business I left behind in my mortal life. But all Americans, living or otherwise, have the right to do an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, and as president I will make reducing unemployment my top priority — or should I say, top scare-ority!
SEN. BLOODGOOD: Senator Goest makes some bold claims, and I’ll leave it to the American people to judge whether he’s capable of fulfilling them. But I would ask this: Is a man who has been dead for 30 years qualified to lead us in the 21st century? How can a ghost relate to the problems faced by ordinary living Americans? I don’t know about you, my friends, but when I touch a wall, my hand doesn’t go right through it. Is America ready for a president who is literally out of touch with everyday life?
SEN. GOEST: If we want to talk about being “out of touch” with America, let’s talk about Senator Bloodgood — a known vampire! The media has been tiptoeing around the issue, Senator Bloodgood openly and unapologetically embraces the vampire lifestyle, feeding on the blood of the living to survive. That sort of thing might be OK for the elitists who live in fancy mausoleums and gold-plated coffins. But it won’t fly on Main Street, where everyday folks are struggling to make ends meet. It’s unwanted — or should I say, un-haunt-ed!
SEN. BLOODGOOD: Personal attacks, Senator? Shameful. Yes, I am a vampire. I’ve never hidden that fact. I stand proudly with my fellow Vampire-Americans, most of whom are patriotic, law-abiding citizens who just happen to subsist on the sweet nectar of human blood. But our reliance on the precious blood of the living is nothing compared to our nation’s reliance on foreign oil — which will only increase under Senator Goest’s policies! America cannot afford a President Goest any more than I can afford to go outside in sunlight!
SEN. GOEST: I’m glad you brought that up, Senator. Not that I question a vampire’s ability to serve his country — I know we have had vampires in every level of government for decades, primarily in the Internal Revenue Service — but are Americans ready for a president who can never address them from the White House’s sunny rose garden? Or who cannot ride in parades down America’s streets? Must we have a president who works only under cover of darkness, like Nixon? If I am elected, I will be the most transparent president in history.
SEN. BLOODGOOD: I would ask you, Senator: how will you sign bills into law when you cannot grasp physical objects with your ghost body? How will you shake the hands of the American people?
SEN. GOEST: Why don’t you leave the specifics of my corporeal manifestations to me, Senator, and worry about your own policies? Your plan to solve unemployment is for people without jobs to have their blood drained from their bodies, to be used by the Red Cross and vampires. That plan isn’t good for the economy, and it’s not good for the old red, white and blue — or should I say red, white and boo!
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, it’s time to move to another topic. As president, how would you address the problem of terrorism? Senator Bloodgood.
SEN. BLOODGOOD: I think my record on terrorism speaks for itself. As a U.S. Senator, I introduced legislation making it illegal to bring a wooden stake or a silver crucifix on an airplane. Since that time, no vampires and hardly any regular people have been killed on airplanes. I have worked tirelessly to send a message to our enemies at home and abroad, and that message is this: If you cross me, I will use my super-human strength to restrain you as I plunge my razor-sharp fangs into your soft, quivering throat, and either bleed you dry, or turn you into a fellow vampire, depending on my whim. That is my policy, and I stand by it.
SEN. GOEST: Look, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s scaring people. To our enemies who would do us harm, I say this: you’d better leave the lights on. You’d better not go into a dark bathroom and say my name three times in the mirror. Don’t bother putting your weapons of mass destruction in a safe place, because they will have been moved when you go looking for them, and you won’t know why. “I could have sworn I left that bomb on the dresser!” you’ll say. “How did it get moved to the garage?” I’ll tell you how: ghosts. Ghosts have served America since its inception, and it’s time we put one in the White House.
SEN. BLOODGOOD: My opponent seems to think you should vote for him just because he’s a ghost. I, for one, am tired of this affirmative action. Is he even qualified for the job? Look at his record on the issues. Thirty years ago, he was alive. Now he’s dead. Do we need another flip-flopper in the Oval Office?
SEN. GOEST: The fact that Senator Bloodgood would bring up my own personal tragedy of dying in order to make a point speaks volumes about his character. And you know what else speaks volumes about his character? His being a soulless, undead monster with no regard for human life, who selfishly feeds on others to sustain his own tortured existence.
SEN. BLOODGOOD: America needs a strong leader, one who is not afraid to take decisive action when a problem arises! America is dying of thirst — thirst for improved health care, thirst for lower unemployment, thirst for security and freedom. As president, I will do all in my power to satiate that thirst, to affix this country’s teeth to whichever vein is richest in the nutrients of liberty, and suck and suck and suck until America is the most powerful, immortal, invincible nation in the world.
SEN. GOEST: That’s all well and good, Senator, but the fact remains that vampires are weak. They are easily killed. How do we know that at the first sign of trouble, you won’t turn into a swarm of bats and fly away?
SEN. BLOODGOOD: You insult me, sir, with your prejudice and your anti-vampire hate speech. I am no more likely to “turn into a swarm of bats and fly away” than you are likely to turn blue and run away when Pac-Man comes after you.
SEN. GOEST: Pac-Man?? Where?!
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, we have time for one last question. Who would win in a fight between zombies and werewolves? Senator Goest.
SEN. GOEST: My administration will work to prevent such a war from taking place, but if our peace-keeping efforts should fail, my money is on the werewolves.
MODERATOR: Senator Bloodgood?
SEN. BLOODGOOD: [turns into swarm of bats, flies away]
This edition of Snide Remarks is sponsored on behalf of the Filmdrunk Frotcast live shows, taking place on Nov. 3 and 4 in Chicago. (Their Kickstarter campaign was successful; the shows will happen!) Chicago-area fans of raucous podcasting and general jackassery should plan to attend. Each show will include a screening of “The Running Man,” for some reason.