Excerpts from The Daily Harem, Utah’s polygamy newspaper, written by polygamists, for polygamists. (Circulation: 100 households/500,000 readers.)
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FRONT PAGE:
Tom Green’s Wife Has Another Child; Green ‘Didn’t Even Know She Was Pregnant’
GREENHAVEN — Tom Green, on trial merely for practicing the religion God gave him, said Thursday he was “surprised” one of his five wives, LeeAnn, had given birth.
“Another one?!” he said, exasperated. “Crap O’Friday, I didn’t even know she was pregnant.” Green then asked for assistance in remembering “which one is LeeAnn.”
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SPORTS:
Jensen Family Breaks Softball League into Jensen West and Jensen East Leagues
JENSENHAVEN — LeGreat Jensen announced Thursday his family’s softball league, populated entirely by his children and coached by his wives, would split into two leagues effective next season.
“When (first wife) Karynne and I first got married, we joked about having enough kids to start a softball team,” Jensen said. “Well, that didn’t take long. Between her and the sister-wives, we had a softball team inside of three years.” Since then, Jensen has had enough children to create 14 softball teams, with several kids still warming the bench. With the birth of MayTenth Jensen last week, the patriarch decided it was time to split the league.
Inter-league trading of players will not be permitted, but inter-league marriages will be.
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FEATURES:
Dear Miss Manners: I am a 13-year-old girl, and I recently married my uncle, who is, I don’t know, like 50 or something. I did this of my own free will and choice because I love him deeply and desire my womb to bear the fruit of his loins so that we may populate the Earth with righteous seed. Also, he promised me some candy.
At the wedding ceremony, one of my bridesmaids, who is both my sister and my aunt, wore her hair up, with the use of hair-spray and other styling products. She also failed to wear the standard gingham dress, choosing instead to make a mockery of the occasion by wearing a provocative number such as one might see in the worldly magazines, which revealed several inches of her calves and other naughty parts. My mother, who is also my granddaughter, was appalled and thinks I should have said something. However, my brother, who is my step-niece, says I was right to remain silent. What do you think?
Dear Reader: Miss Manners is glad you did not ruin the occasion by causing a scene. Surely the ruckus your sister-aunt caused by going against standard polygamist dress and grooming standards was enough commotion for one sacred, holy event.
Quietly take your husband-uncle aside and ask him to take your sister-aunt behind the woodshed and thrash her to within an inch of her life. This should be done until she is blue, or blue-black.
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ALSO IN TODAY’S PAPER:
– Local Professor Tries to Diagram Family Tree; Head Explodes (A2)
– Man Marries Fetus (A8)
– Survey: Residents Consider Same-Sex Marriage a ‘Weird Abomination’ (B2)
– New Polygamy Musical ‘Manifesto, Shmanifesto’ Opens at Halehaven Center Theater (C5)
– Man Marries Self (A4)
– Local Teen Ejected from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Having Plurality of Muffins (A10)
– Man Reduced to Microscopic Size, Injected into Bloodstream, Marries Flu Virus
– Birth announcements (B16-50)