The Incident of the Shoes

“The Incident of the Shoes”
A Light Comedy

by Eric D. Snider
Based on a true story
Cast of characters:
ERIC, a noted author and humanitarian
LUSCIOUS MALONE, a female lady friend
TANNY TANTAN, a friend of the non-female variety
SALESGIRL, a non-speaking role

Act I: A casual lunch

ERIC: I must write a humorous funny column today, yet I am without ideas.
LUSCIOUS: You should write about shoes.
ERIC: A column about shoes? Whatever would I say about shoes?
LUSCIOUS: I do not know; that is for you to determine. You are the funny humor column writer.
ERIC: I do not wish to cast dark shadows across our friendship, but your idea is stupid.
LUSCIOUS: I tell you, it would be a fine column. Shoes? Hello, SHOES?!
ERIC: The merits of your idea escape me. I shall ignore the suggestion, and henceforth nevermore ask you for help. A column about shoes I will never write!
ERIC: Do not push it, Luscious Malone.

Act II: While driving, some time later

TANNY: Luscious has given me an excellent idea for a book which I shall write.
ERIC: How grand for you. Her ideas for me tend toward the pedestrian.
TANNY: Meaning…?
ERIC: She suggested I write a column about shoes. Every time I see her, she tells me again to write about shoes.
TANNY: Shoes? What about them?
ERIC: That was my question.
TANNY: That Luscious Malone is one crazy bag of bottlecaps.

(ERIC‘s cellphone rings)

ERIC: Hello?

Act III: While shopping at Nordstrom, some time later

TANNY: It is a game! Luscious and I will each select shoes for Eric to try on, and he will select a pair, too. Then, upon trying each, he will choose his favorite!
ERIC: I don’t need any shoes.
LUSCIOUS: I said, huzzah!

(Shoes are chosen. SALESGIRL crams ERIC‘s grotesque, bunionous feet into one pair of them.)

ERIC: These dress shoes have the look of class about them; however they are slick. Look and marvel upon the slickness of them! (He slides around the floor. Only with great effort does he not fall. He is as if ice-skating.)
LUSCIOUS: The antics caused by those shoes are hilarious! You should indeed write a column about them.
ERIC: It is an amusing situation….
LUSCIOUS: You’re going to write a column about shoes! It is just as I suggested many weeks ago, and now it will finally come to fruition!
ERIC: But it will not work. The humor of the slick shoes is visual in nature, and the column is in text only.
LUSCIOUS: ‘Twill be funny! Write it and see how funny a column about shoes can be! Write it, write it, write it, write it! (She prances madly about the store.)
TANNY: (shaking his head sadly) One crazy bag of bottlecaps.

(Exeunt. End of the play.)

It's another one of those based-on-real-life plays that I'm so fond of writing. It's also a column about writing a column, which is another topic that tickles me. It also will finally get Luscious Malone off my back (figuratively) about writing a column on shoes.

"One crazy bag of bottlecaps": Please don't ask me where it came from, because I don't know.