A Conservative’s Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving should be a time of gratitude for all your good fortune (if you can really call it “fortune,” considering you worked for everything you have). Think of the immigrants — illegal, most of them — who performed the backbreaking labor necessary to harvest the vegetables you’re about to enjoy, and remember that this country would be a whole lot better off if they all went back to Mexico or wherever the hell they came from and let some honest-to-goodness Americans have those jobs.
Pause and reflect on the first Thanksgiving, way back in 1621. The savage Indians, tragically unacquainted with God, were so grateful to the Pilgrims for bringing them the light that they prepared a feast for them. In return, the Pilgrims taught the Indians to abandon their primitive ways and embrace Christianity. And thanks to those early settlers converting or killing everyone who opposed them, America has been a Christian nation ever since!
Be sure to thank your wife for preparing the beautiful meal, and remind her that she won’t have to clean up afterward, because that’s what your daughters are for.
As you carve the turkey, try not to feel embittered by the nation of Turkey’s increasingly anti-American sentiment in recent years. Take comfort in the knowledge that President Bush’s foreign policies will be vindicated one day, and let that knowledge make this Thanksgiving turkey taste all the juicier. Lighten the mood by telling your guests that the plump turkey is Michael Moore, only that it’s fully cooked instead of half-baked. If anyone fails to laugh at your joke, eye them with suspicion for the rest of the evening, making a mental note to call Homeland Security later.
You’ll want to offer a prayer before everyone starts eating, of course. To have a Thanksgiving dinner without a prayer would be a slap in the face to the Founding Fathers, devout Christian men who intended that this nation should never stop believing in Jesus, though you wouldn’t know it from the atheists who run Hollywood and Congress.
Thank the Lord for all your blessings, and be sure to pray for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, doing all that great work that the traitorous New York Times refuses to report on. Pray that President Bush will continue to be inspired and guided in his decisions, just as he has been for the last seven years, and express gratitude that if it weren’t for his bold leadership, we’d all be speaking Muslim right now. Pray also that your marriage will remain strong despite the constant efforts of homosexuals to undermine it.
You should also take a moment to pray for the less fortunate — pray they’ll get off their lazy butts and work a little harder so they can stop being so poor, that is.
Then enjoy the festivities! Assuming Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck all said it was OK, of course.
A Liberal’s Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful for everything you have, assuming you can get past the guilt in knowing how many people have suffered so that you can have it. Ideally, you should spend your Thanksgiving volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, if only to balance out the karma. But it’s understandable if you’re not prepared yet to entirely give up your possessions and share them equally with everyone. Few of us are! Though it is something we strive for.
Be sure to pause for a moment and reflect on the first Thanksgiving, when America’s legacy of arrogance and aggression was just beginning. Unbidden and unwelcome, our forefathers took food from passive Native Americans whose tribes had existed in complete peace and harmony for hundreds of years without a single inter-tribal conflict. In return, we introduced them to guns, deprivation, and death, just as Der Fuhrer Bush is doing now in Iraq. Light a candle for the lost souls and remember to make a contribution to the Native American Children’s Fund tomorrow.
It’s possible that some of your guests are not yet enlightened and sophisticated enough to be vegetarians. Be tolerant of them! If one of them brings a turkey to go along with your planned meal of tofurkey, organically grown potatoes, and wheat-grass pie for dessert, thank him, her, hym, or hir graciously and warn the other guests that a meat product might be on the table. Lighten the mood by telling everyone the turkey is George W. Bush, only instead of lies, treason, and impeachable offenses, this George W. Bush is filled with stuffing!
As everyone gathers at the table, remember to look outside to see if any passing homeless people want to join you. After all, it’s not their fault that America’s economic, educational, and healthcare situations are so bad, or even that they were born in this miserable country to begin with.
Apologize to your guests for adding to global warming by using an electric oven to prepare the meal. If you have not succeeded in populating your dinner table with at least one Jew, lesbian, African-American, and quadriplegic, apologize to your guests for that oversight, too, and assure them that no offense against those oppressed groups was intended.
Before you eat, allow everyone at the table a moment to silently pray to, or otherwise thank, God, Mother Earth, or whichever higher power they worship, if they worship one — unless it’s the Christian God, in which case they really ought to stop cramming that down everyone’s throats and try to have a little respect for other people’s beliefs.
At the end of the meal, offer a toast to the blessing everyone at the table appreciates most: the fact that Canada is so close by, making their empty threats of moving there seem almost believable.
Then get a good night’s sleep! You’ll need your strength tomorrow, the official start of Unspecified Winter Holiday shopping season.
I thought I might like to write something for Thanksgiving, and the joke about liberals allowing everyone except Christians to pray occurred to me first. I quickly determined there was no reason to just do "A Liberal's Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving"; why not make fun of everyone equally? Now I'm wondering if the readers who are really conservative or really liberal will still find a way to complain about the way their side is portrayed. ("I thought half of this column was hilarious! But the other half was unfair and not funny at all.")
If the layout of the site allowed it, I'd have put the two halves side-by-side rather than one after the other, because it really doesn't matter which order you read them in. One is not meant to be a "response" to the other, or anything like that. But the title box at the top and the Google ads on the side made a side-by-side layout unattractive and unfeasible.
For more on the extra pronouns "hym" and "hir" (one of which I think I made up), see this column from last year.