The Royal Treatment

Queen Elizabeth II Visits a Chatroom.

** QueenE2 enters the room **
JLoFan222: so i was like ‘not without my handbag!!!!!!!!
Tooltyme: what up queen?
AmnesiaSparkles: yo queenie
QueenE2: My, it certainly is lovely to see so many loyal subjects gathered here on this magic television set.
MonkeyBoi19: LOL @ jlofan
Nursferatu: hi queen
Tooltyme: lol handbag
QueenE2: I bid one and all a gracious how-do-you-do, and bring you the warmest wishes of the British Empire.
Swein29: who wants pot?
Zooropa12: *raises hand*
Swein29: ill email you some
MonkeyBoi19: LOL @ swien
Tooltyme: queen do you like to party?
Frimfram: anyone from montana?
QueenE2: Why, yes, we recently held quite an extravagant soiree in honor of the Jubilee.
JLoFan222: whats a sioree?
Nursferatu: its a kind of hat
AmnesiaSparkles: hats are funny
Tooltyme: can i have a hat?
Monkeyboi19: swien will email you 1
Swein29: ill email you one
Monkeyboi19: LOL
Frimfram: anyone from montana?
Tooltyme: queen wanna party w/ me?
QueenE2: While your offer is generous, I must reserve judgment until I am more fully apprised of your character and moral standing.
AmnesiaSparkles: wow someones full of herself
Nursferatu: totally
Chesty4U: anyone want nud pics of me/
Chesty4U: nude
Swein29: i do!
JLoFan222: are they hot?????
QueenE2: Such brazenness among our nation’s youth!
Tooltyme: i have nude pics of YOUR MOM!!!!!!!
QueenE2: I shan’t dignify that comment with a reply.
Zooropa12: he didnt mean your mom, queen
Tooltyme: yah, nobodys mom in particlr
QueenE2: It is difficult to tell, in this forum, who is addressing whom. But I shall persevere and get “the hang” of it, I am certain, my young friends!
Frimfram: anyone from montana?
QueenE2: Is Mr. or Ms. Frimfram addressing me?
Tooltyme: queen, youve never been in a chatroom b4?
AmnesiaSparkles: no, becuz queen is waaay old!!!!
MonkeyBoi19: LOL @ amnesia
QueenE2: No, Mr. Tyme, this is my first excursion into the world of the Inter-Net. I have come to see what sorts of issues facing the kingdom are particularly vexing to our youth.
Tooltyme: do you like porn?
Frimfram: anyone from montana?
Swein29: i like pron
Swein29: porn
JLoFan222: queen doesn’t like porn becuz she’s 2 old
Nursferatu: she is made out of dust
QueenE2: I say, this ribaldry begins to offend the sensibilities.
Tooltyme: what about being ribbed?
Zooropa12: condoms are ribbed
AmnesiaSparkle: i luv american idol!!!!!
Tooltyme: that show sux
JLoFan222: like queen
AmnesiaSparkle: it dosnt suck!!!
QueenE2: I do wish to enquire which issues the young people should like the monarchy to address.
Tooltyme: can you get us free beer?
MonkeyBoi19: LOL @ tool
Swein29: yah free beer
QueenE2: The impudence is astonishing.
Tooltyme: beer beer beer
QueenE2: I shall have you all beheaded!
Frimfram: anyone from montana?

Just one of those silly columns that amuse me and, I think, no one else. The idea of Queen Elizabeth visiting a chatroom appeals to me, and the notion of a modern queen beheading people amuses me to no end.

This being a newspaper, and I having some standards, I couldn't let the chatroom get as filthy and suggestive as it would in real life.

"Amnesia Sparkle" was a drag-queen contestant's name on "American Idol," "Monkey Boy" is what I call my friend Randy, "Nursferatu" is what the "Mystery Science Theater" gang called a particularly grim-looking nurse, "Swein29" is a play on the name of a real friend of mine who's always talking about pot, "Frim Fram Sauce" is a song that Ryan Starr sang on the aforementioned "American Idol," and I think the rest are just random Internet-style names.

I originally had the queen's screen name as "QueenEII." Then I realized it should be "QueenE2," since so many screen names have numerals in them. Alas, I thought of this too late for The Daily Herald's deadlines, so "QueenEII" is how it appeared in print.