The Sardonic Versus

There is a lot of unrest and discontent in the world, and in Utah, too. Let us pause a moment and examine some conflicts that have been on my mind recently, in the hopes that getting them out in the open will cause them to fester and become infected. No, wait, to heal, that’s what I meant. Cause them to heal.

Tom Green vs. decency

This week noted local polygamist Tom Green was sentenced to five years to life for marrying a 13-year-old girl in 1986 (a girl who is now a woman who doesn’t see herself as a victim, by the way). I am as tired of making jokes about polygamy as you are of reading them, but let me make this point: Why are there no good-looking polygamists? Does a life of gingham and farm work not attract people with high cheekbones and svelte figures? Or are the good-looking people being ruined by it, going into their first marriage looking like Tom Cruise and coming out of their seventh looking like Tommy Lee Jones?

Also, let me add that while Tom Green has said he married 13-year-old Linda because God gave her to him, it should be noted that Tom Green is a raving lunatic. He’d have to be, to intentionally spend time with a teen-age girl. Think about it. It would be like living at the mall.

Baseball players vs. America

The players of Major League Baseball almost went on strike this week. It would have been the ninth strike since 1972, when players stopped work to demand uglier uniforms. Those demands were met, and hideous uniforms prevailed throughout the 1970s and ’80s. Then, America stopped caring about baseball, coincidentally right around the time the players started making salaries in the billions and striking every other year.

Many of the sport’s remaining 11 fans have vowed they will not return to it if the players strike again, and it is sad to see an American pastime become so tainted by greed and immaturity. But you know who would suffer most in the event of a strike? The steroid industry. Goodness, haven’t those people been through enough already?

Orem residents vs. noise

Last week, a loud-ish concert at UVSC prompted many nearby residents to complain to police, and also to shout at the kids to get off their lawn, and also to say that if the ball landed in their yard, it was theirs now. Then they ate some soup and were in bed by 9.

No, in fairness, the outdoor concert apparently was rather loud, and some of the artists used some naughty language. And it came at a good time, too, because Orem residents were just about to run out of things to complain about.

Chevy vs. Ford

I don’t understand the rivalry between the people who drive Ford trucks and the people who drive Chevy trucks. Judging from the bumper stickers and other insignia one sees on their vehicles, these groups apparently have a hatred for each other that borders on the Middle Eastern.

What puzzles me is that as far as I can tell, Chevy owners and Ford owners are exactly alike, what with the mullets and the blue jeans and the trashy, big-haired women hanging off their tattooed arms. So why the animosity? Did I miss some great falling-out between them, where the Chevy owners invaded Poland, or the Ford owners bombed Pearl Harbor, or whatever? All I know is, possessing decals of a little boy urinating on a Ford logo, or going around saying, “I’d rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy,” demonstrates that as far as passions go, you have selected a rather silly one. But hey, whatever makes you happy and full of hate.

The Chevy vs. Ford thing doesn't really fit, of course, since the other three are things currently in the news and the truck bit is just something I wanted to talk about. But it's a little late for should'ves.

For my money, Tommy Lee Jones is the world's ugliest actor. And how does everything I talk about wind up coming back to physical appearance, anyway?

The UVSC concert was by Nelly, by the way, who I'd never heard of but who apparently is quite popular (and loud).