Hey, couch potatoes! Think summer TV is boring, with all the shows on hiatus and nothing but reruns to put in front of your glossy, sweat-drenched faces? As if! Get with the times, loser! In the modern world, all the networks and cable channels offer new programming all summer long, and your lowered expectations and heat-induced lethargy mean you’ll watch it — YOU’LL WATCH IT ALL! But you need a guide to help you prioritize your viewing! That’s where we come in! Turn on the fan, sit back, let your moistened thighs affix themselves to the couch, and gulp down this thirst-quenching Summer TV Preview!
“Teen Jihadist” (MTV)
MTV brings the terror home with this sizzling new reality series that follows the daily lives of four Muslim extremist teenagers who are planning deadly attacks in the name of their warped misunderstanding of their religion, all while juggling a full class load. You’ll meet Ahmed, Abu, Tabani, and Fatima, high school students who are just like you, except that they’ve pledged their devotion to the slaughter of all infidels — even the hot ones! Will Ahmed have to blow up the federal building before he finds a date to the prom? Will Fatima’s relationship with the hunky president of the Science Club be threatened when he realizes she’s just using him to learn more about chemistry? And what about Abu, the brooding, sensitive terrorist-in-training who feels like no one at school understands him, and also hates Western decadence? And don’t forget about Tabani, the slutty one! That gorgeous teenage jihadist really knows how to party, and murder! Having your security and well-being compromised through acts of terror never felt so sexy!
“The Betty White Worship Hour” (NBC)
Our fawning devotion to the 89-year-old TV legend reaches its pinnacle with this series, in which viewers are instructed in the practice of worshipping Betty White. Watch as zealous followers, known as Betty White Supremacists, praise the divine octogenarian for her wide range of comedic skills — she can play anything from a vulgar grandmother to a potty-mouthed old lady! — and sing hosannas to her for being so nice, so sweet, and so not dead yet. You’ll also learn about the Betty White missionaries, who go door-to-door in Hollywood urging TV and movie executives to include Betty White in every one of their projects, on the principle that there is no such a thing as “too much” Betty White. In the season finale, lapsed Betty White followers who speculate on the existence of other sweet, nice, old actresses are branded as heretics and stoned to death.
“Bosoms of Justice” (The CW)
What happens when four super-hot bikini models quit the business and open a law firm in Malibu? Cleavage, that’s what! These sexy gals may not know much about the law, and indeed their certification from the state bar may be of questionable origin, but one thing’s for sure: they are not very good lawyers! A second thing is also for sure: their clients don’t mind that they still wear bikinis all the time! It’s disorder in the court when the Honorable Judge Hommina Hommina Hommina can’t keep his eyes off the defense table — or should we say the ample bosoms behind the defense table! “Bosoms of Justice”: You’ll change your tune from “I object!” to “I objectify!”
“Some New NCIS Thing” (CBS)
Even the people who run CBS aren’t entirely sure what their “NCIS” and “NCIS: Los Angeles” shows are about. But they do know they’re popular, and that Mark Harmon is on one of them. (Unless that was “JAG.” Is “JAG” still on?) This new spinoff will feature everything that viewers already love about the “NCIS” programs, whatever that may be, along with exciting new twists like, um, it takes place in a different city? Maybe one of the detectives/cops/scientists/doctors is a black guy? We’re spitballing here. Can somebody bring up an episode of “NCIS”? It has something to do with the Navy, right?
“Hidden Conspiracy” (ABC)
You’ll instantly be drawn into this thrilling new serialized drama about a pair of government agents investigating a series of unusual events that point to a vast, complex conspiracy, all of it leading up to a grand revelation that you’ll never see because the show will be canceled after five episodes.
“America’s Next Terrible, Popular Thing” (Fox)
If there’s one thing we love, it’s things that are terrible! From Charlie Sheen to Ke$ha, from the Transformers movies to Four Loko, we just can’t get enough of awful, tacky things that we hate and therefore love to devote attention to. On this competition series, people from all over the United States will present their horrible ideas for new trends in pop culture and entertainment, each one guaranteed to make you groan and shake your head in disgust. And then you’ll vote to decide which one becomes America’s Next Terrible, Popular Thing! Will it be a fad, like getting your dog’s ears pierced? Or a fashion trend, like padded bras for men? Or a new genre of popular music that’s just audio recordings from a slaughterhouse laid over a bass groove? Tune in and find out!