The Sweet Mel of Success

With bombs being launched back and forth and casualties mounting, it’s been an anxious several days on the world scene. Like everyone else, I’ve been glued to the TV, eager to know: What will become of Mel Gibson?

As you are aware from being a resident of the planet Earth, Mel Gibson was arrested for drunken driving last Friday night in Malibu. Now, most of us have been arrested for drunken driving before, but Mel Gibson took it a step further. He figured now was the time to tell the arresting officer what he, Mel Gibson, thought about world politics. “F****** Jews,” he said, without benefit of asterisks. “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Then he asked the cop, “Are you a Jew?”

You are probably thinking: “Mel Gibson, what do Jews and the world’s wars have to do with you being pulled over for being drunk while going 87 in a 45 mph zone? Surely the subjects have no correlation.”

SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW, STUPID. Mel Gibson has been an alcoholic for at least 30 years, usually the functional kind but sometimes the sloppy, fall-down, get-arrested, agree-to-make-“Lethal Weapon 4” kind. And what drove him to drink in the first place? THE JEWS. Three decades ago, when Mel Gibson was an impressionable teenager, the Jews were tracking down the terrorists who had killed their athletes in the 1972 Olympics, and here in the states, Jew Steven Spielberg was a huge sensation because of “Jaws,” a movie that starred fellow Jew Richard Dreyfuss and was originally titled “Jews.” Everywhere Mel Gibson turned, there were Jews. Who wouldn’t seek solace in a bottle of bourbon when confronted with the Jews and all their Jewiness?

So it’s only fitting that now, in 2006, Mel Gibson should denounce the Jews when he is being arrested for drunken driving. The Jews are as responsible for the incident as if they had liquored him up and given him the car keys themselves!

And what of Mel Gibson’s claim that the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world? Does that hold water? DOES A JEW EAT MATZOH? Cast your peepers in the direction of this handy chart:

World War I Jews
World War II Jews (made Hitler hate them)
Civil War Jews
Cola Wars (Coke vs. Pepsi) Jews
Clone Wars Separatist movement within the Galactic Republic; Republic led by Senator Palpatine (possible Jew)
Battle of the Network Stars Jews

Source: Wikipedia

That’s irrefutable proof, my friends, and Mel Gibson was only spreading the word. But people aren’t always ready to hear the truth. For example, there are a lot of people who still believe that we landed on the moon in 1969, and that an Islamic terrorist cell, not our own government, was behind the 9/11 attacks. Why, some people even think, in this day and age, that the Earth is round! You try to tell these people that the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world and will they listen? No. They’ll call you “anti-Semitic” or “insane alcoholic movie star” or “ranting bigot who was driving drunk and should be in jail.”

After being arrested, Mel Gibson released two formal apologies. The first one was a mea culpa for driving drunk and for being loud and obnoxious when he was stopped. (Did I mention that he said to a female officer, “What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?”? Well, he did. And neither she nor her confectionary breasts were amused.) But then, the next day, he was like, “Whoops! I forgot to apologize for what everyone was REALLY mad about, which was when I said horrible things about those f****** Jews.” But come on, cut the guy some slack. He was totally hungover! Who can remember which things they’re supposed to apologize for with a pounding headache and a wobbly stomach?

So he issued a second apology, this time specifically saying he’s not anti-Semitic, and no one should be, and there’s no excuse for anti-Semites, and he’s not one, and in fact he hates anti-Semites, and in fact he would round up all the anti-Semites in the world and put them in concentration camps if he could, because that’s how much he hates them. “I hate anti-Semites almost as much as I hate Jews!” he said, though I think that part slipped out accidentally.

In the interest of cementing Mel Gibson’s new status as an icon of intolerance, and also of ruining a classic tune for you, I have recorded a song entitled — wait for it — “Mel Gibson.” You can listen to it here. Enjoy, and happy driving!

It was a conscious decision to refer to Mel Gibson by his full name throughout the column, but I do not recall the reasoning behind it.

Including a song as part of a column was a first for me, one of the many things you can do with an Internet column that you can't do in a newspaper. The song, a parody of "Moon River," occurred to me randomly. I thought a Mel Gibson song might be in order, and I did what I usually do in such a situation, which is to sing the song's topic to myself in whatever tune pops into my head, hoping it will inspire something. Sometimes this temporary tune is an original melody of my subconscious brain's devising; sometimes it's an existing one. Why my brain went right to "Moon River" for a three-syllable title, I don't know. (The accompaniment is a karaoke track, by the way. I can play the song on the piano, but getting my piano to speak to my computer was vexing, so I abandoned the idea.)