In this column, I would like to use the phrase “white trash” a number of times. (That number: 12.) However, in these days of political correctness, one is hesitant to use any derogatory term that involves a race, for fear of being called discriminatory. (One wonders how one could possibly be accused of discriminating against one’s own race, but one shouldn’t wonder very hard. When dealing with political correctness, wondering only leads to headaches, not answers.)
I’m a little wary of this anyway, because in a recent column, I implied that the Broadway stages are aflame with homosexuals, which resulted in my being called “homophobic.” This is a term that has never made sense to me. Since when does making fun of someone mean you’re afraid of them? People who make fun of minorities aren’t called “blackphobic” or “Mexiphobic” (which, by the way, sounds like a menu item at Taco Bell). They’re called racists, or bigots, or people who don’t know better than to avoid telling certain jokes in mixed company. But if you make fun of gays, all of a sudden you’re afraid of them — the group that is probably the least threatening of all the groups of people on earth. I can see being afraid of Germans, what with their track record, or extra-terrestrials, what with their probes. But homosexuals? Please. There are far more frightening people around.
Like white trash, for example (also known as rednecks, hicks, Bo Gritz supporters, and the people on “Cops”). White trash scares me because of the sheer size of the group. Head down to any water slide park on a summer afternoon, and it won’t be long before you’re convinced that the world consists of nothing BUT white trash.
The government even has a department for dealing with white trash. It’s called the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, but it should be called the Bureau of White Trash, because if you’ve violated laws in two or more of those areas, take my word for it, you’re white trash.
My recent visit to a water park is what really caught my attention, though. I don’t mean to say that all the clientele there was trashy; indeed, I found quite a few young ladies who were extremely hot in nature, and I was embarrassed to be seen by them every time I disembarked from a water slide and had to dislodge a major wedgie from myself. (Some of those rides, I’m convinced, exist solely to give people wedgies. I got one so bad I could actually taste my swimsuit.)
But there was also an alarming number of super-sized women wearing bikinis. Please note that it was not the size of the women that bothered me; it was the fact that they were intentionally wearing extra-revealing swimsuits, as if oblivious to the fact that not a soul on earth wanted to see them that way. (Being puffy and pasty and forcing those around you to behold your puffy pastiness = white trash.)
I also noticed a number of men whose shorts were hanging down too low, showing most of their boxers underneath. (Wearing boxers under your shorts when you go to a water park, instead of wearing a regular ol’ swimsuit = white trash.) (Making everyone look at your underwear, under any circumstances, aquatic or otherwise = white trash.)
Many of these men also had tattoos on their shoulder blades. I will not argue the merits or anti-merits of tattoos (short version: they’re stupid), but I will say this: Why get a tattoo on a part of your body that you, yourself, can’t normally see? It can only be because you want OTHER people to see it. “Dude,” I imagine the person saying. “It would totally rock if I got this picture of an eagle carved onto my back so that every time I go shirtless in public — which will be often, because I am white trash — everyone will see it and think how cool I am.”
Getting a tattoo solely for the viewing pleasure of those around you = white trash. I hope this has been informative. Thank you and good night.