Vaelentine’s Day is for Lovres

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have broken up, and now it looks like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s marriage is on the rocks, too. Now, unless your name is among the four I just mentioned, nothing in that sentence should matter to you. It was a test. Did you pass?

For surely we can all agree that there are better things to discuss than the marital status of strangers. The fact that Claire on “Lost” has come back and doesn’t have any memory of the plane crash, for example!!!!!!

Anyway, since it is Valentine’s Day, it seems appropriate that we should discuss matters of love. And where better to start than with the British royal family? It was announced last week that the stork-like Prince Charles will marry his horse-faced girlfriend and adultery partner Camilla Parker-Bowles as soon as he returns from delivering babies and she has finished running the Kentucky Derby. They hope to produce many beaked and hooved children. Charles’ ancient, inbred mother, Queen Elizabeth II, issued a statement indicating her approval of the marriage, then went outside to dance on the grave of Princess Diana, which caused her to fall and break a hip, which caused all of England to weep like little snaggle-toothed girls. It was indeed a sorry spectacle.

Meanwhile, over in the British colony of Australia, a 29-year-old bachelor has gotten fed up with being single and has elected to live in a plastic bubble for five days in the hopes of attracting a mate. Well, not a “mate,” probably, since that just means “friend” over there. He wants a girlfriend. A girlmate.

Anyway, the point is, an Internet dating service set up the stunt, and the AFP has reported it here. The idea is that the man lives in a bubble in a Sydney shopping mall for five days, during which time shoppers can gawk at him and women who think he’s nutty and outrageous can send e-mails begging him to please please please take them out on Valentine’s Day. He is scheduled to emerge today, reeking of five days’ worth of unshowered flatulence, and take the lucky lady on a date. After the date, they will never see each other again, because wacky “how we met” stories never work. I’m just sayin’. But good luck anyway, desperate Sydney man.

Meanwhile, back in England, there comes this report of a woman who is about to get married and whose chief bridesmaid will be a dog. This is not newsworthy, of course; we’ve all been to weddings and seen bridesmaids who were dogs. But I mean this is an ACTUAL dog, with four paws and everything. Her name is Lucy Brown. Welcome to England, where the pets get last names but the royalty do not.

The bride, Sonia Wilde, loves her dog so much that she wants her to be her bridesmaid. How Sonia’s human girlfriends feel about this is not indicated, but you know the old saying: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, and sometimes not even a bridesmaid, because the bride chose an animal instead.

And now on to the darker side of love. I should warn you that the following report contains the word “testicle,” so please stop reading now if you fear you will be upset by it. The testicle in question gets torn off, if that helps you make your decision.

According to Reuters, a 24-year-old London woman has been sentenced to 2 1/2 years in jail for ripping off her ex-boyfriend’s testicle with her bare hands after he refused to sleep with her.

I’m sure it goes without saying that alcohol was a factor in this incident.

The man, Geoffrey Jones, had already broken up the woman, Amanda Monti, and was now rejecting her further advances. I’m curious, though, how she had access to his naughty bits. If he wasn’t going to sleep with her, why were his pants off? Can a man without pants really be said to be “rejecting” someone’s advances? Not that it would give her the right to go medieval on him if he were leading her on, but still. You can understand why she’d be upset.

The news story says the woman pleaded guilty to “unlawful wounding,” which implies that in England there is such a thing as “lawful wounding.” I suspect things like beating up a mime or stabbing a hippie would fall under that category.

As we see, love — or the lack of it — can make us do crazy things. Whether it’s maiming a loved one, living in a plastic bag, or allowing an animal to do the work of a human, we’ve all been moved to insanity by love at some point in our lives. So insane we would leave Jennifer Aniston if we were Brad Pitt, or vice versa? Yes, even that insane.

Special note: Today is also Mom’s birthday. It’s fitting that she was born on Valentine’s Day, because I don’t know anyone who exemplifies the ideals of love, peace and chocolate-consumption as well as she does. Happy 67th birthday, Mom!

I had another column almost completely written when I realized it was to be published on Valentine's Day and that I ought to address the holiday in some way. Luckily, I'd been saving this odd news stories. So I scrapped the column I'd been doing, which I wasn't thrilled with anyway, and wrote this one instead, writing now with the fervor of a man who only has three days instead of seven to write something.

The attacks on the British royal family are mean and uncalled for, which is why I take such great pleasure in making them. If you can't mock the British monarchy, what can you mock?

And Mom is actually only 52 today. Since women stereotypically lie themselves younger, I thought it would be funny to lie her older. Was it?