What You Missed

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Soap opera update for the week of Nov. 26.

If you missed your stories this week, here’s what happened:

“THE MOIST AND THE SWEATY”: Clarissa’s birthday party was interrupted by guerrillas, and then gorillas. Monica agreed to marry her brother Jason, unaware he’s actually her sister, Jasonina. Stodge died again, for the last time. Jake looked pensive. COMING: The return of Stodge.

“DOIN’ THE NASTY”: The McClanahan family picnic led to the shocking revelation that they were out of mustard. Tabitha was confused when someone mentioned having to “be at work by 9,” and she didn’t know what “work” was. Chandler did laundry and Rebecca. The evil Stefano schemed and plotted, then warned his roommate, “Don’t go in there for a while, I’ve been scheming and plotting.” Mason jarred Art’s art. COMING: Chandler orders Rebecca around and pizza.

“RICH WHITE TRASH”: The town of Sprinfieldvilledale was overrun by foreigners. The evil twin convention was interrupted by Chloe, who claimed to have a bomb, which turned out to be nothing more than dynamite. Richard was murdered by Diana’s evil Siamese twin, Anaid. The evil Stefano realized he was in the wrong show. Courtney looked bemused. COMING: Arthur wonders who this strange new guy “Ruhtra” is, and why he looks exactly like him.

“PASSIONS OF LOVE”: On Monday, Taylor and Caleb decided it was time to have Dr. Ted pull the plug on Francesca, and that it should be done immediately. On Tuesday, Taylor and Caleb told Dr. Ted to pull the plug on Francesca. On Wednesday, Dr. Ted reached over to pull the plug on Francesca. On Thursday, Taylor and Caleb wept as they bid their mother (Francesca) goodbye, as Dr. Ted continued to pull the plug. On Friday, in a special two-hour episode, Dr. Ted pulled the plug some more. COMING: Francesca joins the Navy.

“MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA CLASS”: Marvin got mad at Richard for making out with Shelly when a bunch of them were on a camping trip, and Duke got blamed for letting it happen, even though it totally wasn’t his fault, and Marvin’s kind of a wuss anyway, even though he tried to hide it by getting in a fight with Richard. COMING: Shelly acts ditzy, but she’s not acting.

“DOCTORS OF LUST”: The hospital was hit by an earthquake, then a tornado, then another earthquake. Riley killed Brock, and video killed the radio star. Marcus married three women — to each other, and against their will. Tamara arrived to work only to find monkeys, everywhere monkeys. Stiv awoke from his coma with amnesia, so now he doesn’t know he’s a moron. The board of directors named Gerald as its new hospital administrator, and his chief rival, Mr. Tinkles the monkey, swore revenge. COMING: A primate’s fury.

“FURTIVE GLANCES”: At a party, Rachel glanced furtively at Kenneth, who was glancing furtively at the guy hogging all the bean dip. In the convent, Mary glanced furtively at a statue of St. Christopher, then at Father Tim, who glanced her furtively right out of the convent. COMING: A furtive glance from a stranger results in a concussion for Mabel.

“WHAT TROUBLES MAY COME”: A judge ordered Jessica and Bethany to settle their dispute via mud-wrestling. Clark shocked the McCoy family by dating an alligator. Senator Palindrome appointed Anna, Bob and Racecar to his staff. A fire destroyed the entire town and killed everyone in it, but it turns out everyone was faking his or her own death. COMING: Several thousand funerals are interrupted by startling revelations.

This is one of those columns that wishes it were a MAD Magazine article, not a newspaper column. It wants to have funny illustrations with it and be apropos of nothing. (Making fun of soap operas? What brought THAT on?)

The summary for the show called "My High School Drama Class" is an actual summary of an actual series of events from when I was a senior in high school, using the participants' actual names. Maybe it's funnier if you know that, but even then, maybe only if you're me.

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