You are looking at a man who is not likely to ever hold public office in Wyoming. Why? Because Wyoming has no system of government, of course, preferring the “lynch first, ask questions later” method.
Ha! I kid. Wyoming does have a government, and perhaps even representation in the United States Congress, though that cannot be verified without my getting up.
The reason I am unpopular there is that I wrote a column about spending New Year’s Eve in Evanston, Wyo. (town motto: “What Is This ‘Sense of Humor’ You Speak of?”), in which I might have made a few jokes at the expense of Wyomingans and Evanstoners, although I honestly did enjoy my stay there quite a bit, which I made pretty clear in the column. This being a humor column, I often make jokes at the expense of a lot of people, including myself. (Here’s one about me: I once took a curve too fast and ran my car up onto a curb and through a chain link fence … and then tried to convince my dad that I had NO IDEA why the front axle of the car was bent into the shape of Italy, like I thought my dad was some kind of moron or something, which he is not. I’m the moron, as anyone in Evanston can tell you.)
Now, writing for a Provo, Utah, newspaper, I didn’t think the people of Evanston would ever read the column in question. (I won’t make jokes about how many people in Evanston can read, though I won’t object if YOU want to.) But somehow the article made its way up there, and was reprinted in Evanston’s paper, the Uinta County Herald (motto: “Now Extra-Absorbent!”). This resulted in a number of Evanston residents sending me some rather impolite, non-spell-checked e-mails, most of which boiled down to the fact that Evanston is a wonderful place full of very nice people who will kill me if I ever go there again.
My favorite e-mail had the subject heading of “Happy Valley Jackass,” apparently meant as an epithet toward me, though it also sounds like a fun name for a 1970s Disney film about a donkey that can kick field goals or something. (I imagine Tim Conway starring in this movie.)
Anyway, this person said: “Since we don’t wear signs, I wonder how you’re so certain the people in your Evanston article weren’t also from Utah?”
She raises a good point: I think people from Evanston should wear signs. If I could be certain Wyoming had congressmen, I would write to them.
To answer her question, though, here are a few simple ways of distinguishing Utahns from Wyomingans:
• UTAHNS pull their kids out of school for a couple days a year to go hunting; WYOMINGANS never bothered to put their kids in school in the first place.
• UTAHNS are notorious for their haphazard driving skills; WYOMINGANS are known for their haphazard shooting in Old West-style saloon brawls.
• UTAH’s shameful secret is that polygamy is still practiced in some areas; WYOMING’s shameful secret is that it can’t spell “polygamy.”
• UTAH’s senator made a run for the presidency in 2000; WYOMING’s senator made a run for more beer during a legislative session.
• UTAH’s claim to fame is that it was founded by hardy pioneers who braved adverse conditions to settle a desert wasteland that has now blossomed like a rose; WYOMING’s claim to fame is that of all the 50 states, it comes last alphabetically.
WYOMING! Thank you and good night.