In these trying times, I have found that you can get people to listen to anything you say just by introducing it with “in these trying times.” (Also: “In light of recent events.”) But in the interest of providing hope and comfort, I offer the following bits of inspiration, directly from my heart and adjacent organs.
MAYBE when God closes a door before us, he opens a window. Maybe he was just opening the window to let in some fresh air, though, so be cautious about just climbing in like you own the place.
MAYBE a lost love is a love that was never meant to be. The only way to know for sure is to keep stalking until there’s a restraining order.
MAYBE the best kind of friend is the kind with whom you can sit on a porch swing, drink lemonade, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like you had a great conversation, except for the not-saying-anything part, and now you have to use the bathroom because you drank too much lemonade.
MAYBE we usually don’t know what we have until it’s gone, but that’s not the case with the flu.
MAYBE it takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to fall in love with someone, but it takes forever to convince her she looks FINE in that outfit, and can we just GO already, for crying out loud?
MAYBE the reason there is strife and turmoil in your life is that you did something wrong. Did you ever think of that, Complainy McWhine?
MAYBE it is impossible to have a bright future while still clinging to sorrows of the past. So draw a map to where the bodies are buried, give it to the authorities, and let all those negative energies flow right out of you.
MAYBE it’s wrong to marry someone based on something as superficial as good looks or money, but maybe ugly, poor people don’t need love anyway.
MAYBE being surrounded by friends and loved ones is the best way to avoid sniper fire.
MAYBE I’m crazy, but does this look infected to you?
MAYBE our world is just a single cell in a huge monster the size of the whole universe. And maybe that monster has gas, so look out!
MAYBE there will never be complete peace on Earth, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have peace in your own little part of it. Start by putting up a big barbed-wired fence and hiring a security guard.
MAYBE the way to happiness is not to have a lot of worldly possessions, but simply to make sure you have more worldly possessions than everyone else does.
MAYBE you should not judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes, but that argument probably will not make a very good courtroom defense.
There's definitely a "Deep Thoughts" feel to some of these, but the column is based on those sappy inspirational e-mails that get forwarded to everyone, full of sentiments such as these. I actually got one in which several of them started with "maybe," and some of them directly inspired some of mine.
I wrote this column before the Olympics. I planned to run it on Feb. 8, but then was told I'd be writing my first Olympics column that day. So this one got held for nearly three weeks. I kept it in the fridge, though, to preserve the freshness.