Y2K B.C.

(From the Babylon Daily Herald, Sept. 24, 2001 B.C.)

UR OF CHALDEES — Panic spreadeth wide over this city as the hearts of men turn toward the time, which rapidly approacheth, when the year shall change from 2001 even unto 2000 — or “Y2K B.C.,” as it hath been named.

“We knoweth not what sort of havoc shall be wreaked when all three numbers which cometh after the ‘2’ shall all become at once zeroes,” saith Nomrom, a learned man. “Yea, verily, it freaketh us out.”

It is feared, saith many learned men, that the devices and artifices which man now useth with frequency and felicity, such as the beast-driven plowing-mechanism and the earthen-ware pottery-jug, shall become without use when arriveth the year Y2K B.C.

Perhaps beasts, thinking it is once again 3000 B.C., shall cease to pull their plowing-mechanisms; yea, for indeed, in 3000 B.C., many of these beasts were not even yet created.

“When made we our tools, we took not into account the many zeroes which would soon befall us,” saith Glepach, a maker of tools and a man of great stature, yea, of considerable magnitude, most especially in his hind quarters, great portions of which can be seen as his lower garment is girt too low about his body, yea, even revealing his hind quarters and the mighty crack thereof. “Yea, verily, our minds were much too caught up in fleeing ravenous beasts and tending to our 500-year-old fathers and 100-year-old children to concern ourselves with such matters.”

“We kicketh ourselves now,” addeth Glepach, quenching his thirst with fermented ale, though it be but 9 in the morning-time.

Noted tithe-collector Melchizedek feareth much confusion shall result at the dawn of a millennium new.

“What, shall men cease paying 10 percent in tithes and begin to pay 1 percent?” Melchizedek saith in a rhetorical manner. “The paperwork alone boggleth the mind and maketh me in need of sleep.”

Many men fear that scrolls bearing record of their 10 wives shall wrongfully indicate each man possessing only one wife.

What shall befall the concubines remaineth unclear.

One thing remaineth certain: No great flood shall overtake the earth, as that hath been done once already, removing from the world all manner of wickedness and unicorns.

Saith great prophet Noah, father of us all, patriarch to mankind, from his rest home in Florida, “The Great Flood: Now behold, THERE thou hast a calamity. This Y2K thing paleth in comparison. Where’s my soup?”

And lo, not many years following the flood, in the days of Peleg, the earth becameth dividedeth. Saith Peleg, “Behold, the scriptures saith it happened ‘in the days of Peleg.’ It saith not that it was Peleg’s fault. Why dost everyone accuse me that I didst it? Leavest thou me alone.” Then Peleg shutteth his door.

And lo, who forgetteth, not many years after Peleg divideth the earth, the great tower which was built which resulted in many unknown and strange tongues being spoke by the earth’s inhabitants, yea, even Chinese and Utahn?

Behold, it appeareth that these great events leadeth up to one massive destruction which shall surely come with Y2K B.C. So what great calamity awaits us?

“There remaineth fire,” saith theologian and learned man Plechech. “Fire hath not been used extensively, nor hath we seen much of poisonous serpents. Perhaps Y2K B.C. shall bring upon us one of these dread catastrophes, or perhaps a combination thereof, wherein poisonous serpents which are on fire fall from the heavens.”

All the earth’s inhabitants are urged to fear and tremble, repent, and gather up much food storage.

Columnist regulations dictated that every columnist write something about "Y2K" in 1999, so this was my contribution (among others). It seemed to fit well in Provo, what with all the biblical themes and stuff -- which, by the way, I tried to keep accurate. Melchizedek (which I can spell without looking it up, thank you very much) seems to have been alive at this time; Noah probably still wasn't, but if he was, he was certainly quite old. The chronology is accurate, too: the Flood, then the earth being divided into continents, then the tower of Babel.

The non-biblical names I made up are purely fanciful, except for Nomrom, which is "Mormon" backwards. But I'm sure you already figured that out.