Yet Another Letter to the Editor

(Please note: This is not a real letter. This is satire. We’re sorry we even have to explain that up front, but trust us, we do.)

To the Editor:

I read with horrific disgust the letters from people who feel the LDS Church has too strong a hold on politics in this state. I say, if you don’t like being around Mormons, move out of Utah! Remember, we were here first, unless you count the Indians (and honestly, why would you?). This is pretty much our state, and you’re lucky we’re even letting you stay in it, you non-members, you.

I am also surprised at the lack of appreciation for diversity in Utah. So a few Utahns want to practice polygamy. I say, let them! After all, the only people they’re hurting are the teen-age girls being forced into the loveless, stifling marriages. So if no one’s getting hurt (except for the aforementioned), why harass them?

It seems to me this state has better things to spend its resources on, like making sure the un-Christian people who speak out in favor of gun control are silenced, because their opinions have no basis in fact (“fact” being defined as “the statistics I heard somebody mention once”). If they’re going to speak out against the Second Amendment — which, I might remind you, was written by God Himself, right after He wrote “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” — then we should use the First Amendment to shut them up. And no, I don’t know what that means, either.

Need I remind you that the first thing Hitler did was make sure none of the citizens had guns? The other first thing he did was make sure the rutabaga was the national vegetable of Germany, so we can’t let anyone try that, either, for surely it, too, can only lead to Nazism. How can we not trust the NRA? Charlton Heston is their president. Need I remind you that he has played Moses AND John the Baptist in two separate lame movies? If ever there was a Christian, it is him.

And to make it illegal for teachers to bring guns to school! Such un-Christian ludicrousness! Why not just put up a sign saying, “Hey, crazy people who want to shoot a bunch of people, come in here! No one will be able to stop you!” Because we all know that most of your crazed shooters are very methodical and careful in the way they plan their shootings. No one ever just walks into a TV station or genealogy library at random; they first do a bit of checking on the place, making sure no one will be able to stop them, seeing where the exits are. They often can be found beforehand at the city hall, looking at old blueprints. I don’t think anyone fully appreciates the hours of research that goes into a crazed shooting.

If some of the teachers at Columbine High School had been armed, there would have been a lot more bullets flying than there were, and I think we can all agree that in any given situation, the more bullets fired, the better.

As for putting fluoride in the water supply: That’s the first thing Hitler did, you know, after those other first things he did. How dare the state of Utah try to inflict good dental hygiene on us? Such un-Christianness! Sure, fluoride is the part of toothpaste that actually cleans your teeth. But it’s also a chemical element. Have you looked at the periodic table lately? It’s right there! Next they’ll be pumping the water full of argon, or molybdenum, or manganese, and before you know it, we’ve all got great teeth, no guns, and Hitler’s in the White House.

I also object to something said by your columnist, Steve Cameron, the other day. In his so-called “column,” he expressed an opinion. How dare he? Where does he get off pulling such a stunt? Why does The Daily Herald waste paper and ink printing such atrocities? I seem to recall that a certain Mr. Hitler expressed a lot of opinions, too.

And while we’re on the subject, your so-called theater “critic,” Eric Snyder, recently wrote a theater review that was 500 words long, of which 12 were negative, the other 488 being very positive toward the production. Obviously, the “man” has no idea what he’s “talking” about “.” If he did, he would know that this was the finest play ever produced by mortal beings; in fact, I would not be surprised if God Himself had a hand in it, because I felt the Spirit while watching it, which obviously means it was well-acted, well-written, and well-directed. Yes, my daughter is in the play, but I fail to see how that’s relevant. Snyder obviously just doesn’t like theater. He also obviously was in a bad mood that night. He also obviously drives a foreign car and got poor grades in junior high school. There are a lot of things that are obvious, just from reading one article. If they’re not obvious to everyone else, too, well, surely there’s something wrong with you. The first thing Hitler did was stop seeing things that were obvious.

Wake up, Utah County!

LeVerDean ChrisTianSen

Long-time readers of "Snide Remarks" will recall that among my favorite columns I've ever written are the two parodies of letters to the editor -- especially the first one (though the second one is not without its charms). Those were both patterned after the whiny, self-righteous diatribes The Daily Universe (at BYU) used to print, though, and I felt it was time I addressed the idiots and crackpots who populate the Daily Herald's opinion page. All of the issues mentioned here (and most of the specific arguments) were to be found nearly any day of the week in the newspaper at this time, and I suspect not much has changed in the years since.

My mention of Columbine was rather jarring at the time, since the event was barely a year old. I did so in conjunction with satirizing the way letter-writers were bringing it up ALL THE TIME. It stopped being a tragedy and started being a political chess piece.

Steve Cameron was a columnist for the Daily Herald whose folksy, back-fency-y column appeared five days a week. He did express opinions in them, sometimes, but they were usually along the lines of, "I wish people would stop killing each other" and "The cable company is always late in showing up at my house." And yet, he still managed to get angry letters sometimes, don't ask me how.