You Are Listening to Delilah

Welcome back to The Delilah Show. I hope you’re enjoying the holiday season. Maybe you’re rushing around getting some last-minute shopping done. Or maybe you’re relaxing at home with the kids. Or maybe you’re getting ready to have some friends over for an evening of caroling and binge eating. Whatever you’re doing, I’m glad you’re sharing it with us tonight.

I know Christmas can be a hectic time of year. It seems like every year, my pride and joy, my special daughter Ruth, just wants more and more toys! Isn’t that how it always is? Parents, you know what I’m talking about. But still, we love the little angels, even though they cause us so many headaches, because they’re all so special. Every one of those headaches is like a special gift from heaven.

This week I got a special letter from a listener named Samantha in Dallas. She writes, “Dear Delilah, I’m hoping you will play a special song for me during your show because I am going through a rough time. My father recently passed away after a long illness, and I’m afraid this holiday season just won’t be the same without him. Can you lift my spirits, Delilah? Signed, Samantha.”

Samantha, I would be glad to play a special song for you during this time of sadness.

[plays song]

“Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful!
And since we’ve no place to go,
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!”

You’re listening to Delilah, on [pre-recorded tape of Delilah saying local station’s name]!

[commercial break]

Welcome back to Delilah. I’m glad you’ve joined us tonight. Maybe there’s someone you love who can’t be with you this Christmas season. Maybe you’ve recently lost someone. Maybe, like me, you’ve been drinking since 3 o’clock this afternoon and everything just seems a little fuzzy. Whatever the case, I’m glad you’ve tuned in so we can all spend this special time of year together.

Carol is on the phone from Knoxville, Tennessee. Carol, tell us your story.

Well, Delilah, the light and joy in my life is my little boy Rodney. He’s 5 years old, and he was born without a neck. His little head just attaches right to his little shoulders. He’s so special, and he absolutely means the world to me!

Carol, I know just how you feel. My precious little sweet angel Ruth is the love of my life, except when she doesn’t mind me when I tell her to clean up her room or to pour Mommy another drink. Then I just want to take her little neck, which she does have, and — but anyway, we’ll play a special song for you and your special little neck-less boy.

[plays song]

“Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
Jingle bell swing and jingle bells ring.
Snowin’ and blowin’ up bushels of fun;
Now the jingle hop has begun!”

You’re listening to Deloolah, on [pre-recorded tape of Delilah saying local station’s name]!

[commercial break]

Welcome shmack to the shmow. If you’re joining us tonight, thanks. Maybe Christmas is a sad time for you. Maybe you don’t have any family nearby. Maybe your dad died while climbing down the chimney, like that girl’s dad in “Gremlins” did. Maybe you’re some kind of Jew or something. Whatever the reason for being sad, I’m glad you’re sad, and I’m glad you’re here tonight, to get all cozy with the Christmas songs and to hear everybody’s special stories and to roll around naked. Wheee! I don’t have any clothes on right now, because I’m Delilah, and I’m listening to Delilah, on [“Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock”].

I have a special listener named special Ruth on the special phone. Ruth, go ahead and say what’s on your mind.

Mommy, it’s me, Ruth. Daddy called and said you sound funny on the radio again, and he’s glad he gets me for Christmas and not you, and I’m glad too, because Daddy and new mommy Amber are more fun, and plus you never get out of bed, even on Christmas, and–

[pre-recorded tape of Delilah saying local station’s name]

Ruth, thanks for your call. I’ll play a special song for you and your special father and his special thunder-tramp of a girlfriend.

[plays song]

“Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and child,
Holy infant, so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.”

Sorry, that was the wrong song. That should have been for Susan in Oklahoma City, a single mother who just had a baby. I can’t find the song for my ex-husband, because I think maybe Amber ate it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha cough cough cough. Man, I’m thirsty.

[commercial break]

— and so I said, “Why don’t you show me YOUR license and registration, OFFICER?!” What? Oh! Welcome back to the Delilah Show. Maybe you’re sitting at home by a nice, warm dog. Or maybe you’re in your car, upside-down in a ditch, waiting for help to come. Or maybe you’re in the emergency room, giving birth to an ungrateful child and wanting more morphine. Whatever your deal is, I’m glad you’re sharing it with us. And if you have any vodka, I hope you’ll share that with us, too. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha cough cough vomit.

I have a note here from my producer, and it says, “Glarble geesh gookle gookle.” John, that’s crazy! What is that? Oh, that’s not a note from my producer, that’s my grocery list. John, where’s the note you gave me? John…? John, I love you, wherever you are. You’re a great producer, really, I mean it. Sigh. I’m sleepy. Here’s a special special special about a lady whose husband went away, and it’s called “Amber the Red-Nosed Reinwhore.” You’re listening to Delilah, and I’m gonna go lie down for a while.

If you haven't heard Delilah's syndicated radio show, you should. She has a smokey voice, a heart of gold, and cheese for brains. Listening to her show is like listening to a train wreck, and I often can't turn away. (It's even sappier during the Christmas season, of course.) People will call up with their special stories, and Delilah will find "the perfect song" for them, which is often a song that actually has nothing to do with what they were talking about (hence one of the running jokes in this column).

All the details of Delilah's personal life have been imagined by me; I have no idea how many children or ex-husbands she has, or whether she has a drinking problem. But I like to think she does.