Your Candidate/My Candidate

Your candidate lacks experience.
My candidate is refreshingly free from the stain of politics.

Your candidate has been part of the Washington system for too long.
My candidate is blessed by years of political know-how.

Your candidate is a reckless loose cannon.
My candidate is a maverick.

Your candidate is exotic and strange.
My candidate represents America’s melting pot.

Your candidate is a flip-flopper.
My candidate adjusts his views as new facts come to light.

Your candidate is cranky and stubborn.
My candidate is tenacious.

Your candidate makes brash, controversial remarks.
My candidate speaks his mind, no matter what.

Your candidate has a checkered past.
My candidate has a colorful past.

Your candidate has served time in prison.
My candidate has an intricate knowledge of our country’s legal system.

Your candidate sold government secrets to Russian spies.
My candidate is a savvy capitalist with international business experience.

Your candidate once killed a Mexican day-laborer and dumped his body in a river.
My candidate takes a tough stance on immigration.

Your candidate is addicted to painkillers.
My candidate takes a pro-active approach when dealing with difficult situations.

Your candidate is a promiscuous bisexual.
My candidate supports gender equality.

Your candidate was seen drinking the blood of a freshly slain goat in unholy tribute to the dark lord Beelzebub at a gathering of Satanists.
My candidate is an active participant in his religious congregation.

Your candidate released a sex tape on the Internet.
My candidate has nothing to hide from the American people.

Your candidate commandeered a Civil War reenactment and fired a cannon into a crowd of people, killing three.
My candidate vigorously defends his right to bear arms.

Your candidate is a pedophile.
My candidate loves children.

Your candidate burglarized a nursing home.
My candidate treasures the things that our senior citizens have to offer.

Your candidate recruited teenagers to work in his meth lab.
My candidate believes in teaching science to young people.

Your candidate visits prostitutes.
My candidate supports small-business owners.

Your candidate is a wealthy elitist who doesn’t trust common Americans to make good decisions.
My candidate shares the views of the Founding Fathers.

[ It’s hard not to notice the double-talk in an election year, where everything “my guy” does is great, while everything “your guy” does is terrible, even when they’re doing the same thing. I think I first started paying attention to it when people were debating which privileged, millionaire senator was more out of touch with typical Americans, McCain or Obama. So I started making a list of these double standards, and then I thought it would be funnier if, after a few normal ones, the accusations and spin-doctoring started getting more ridiculous.

On the format: While writing, I dimly recalled a MAD Magazine article from many, many years ago that used the same basic premise. Subsequent Googling informed me that it was from 1980, and it was called “MAD’s ‘They’ and ‘You’ Book.” (A sample: “THEY are pushy; YOU show self assertion.”) More Googling reminded me that MAD did exactly what I did — “Your Candidate/My Candidate” — in 2004. I don’t remember it, though, and I’d like to think that since my jokes grow increasingly divorced from reality as they progress, that means it’s an entirely different comedic premise altogether.

SnideCast note: It turns out the word “candidate” is hard for me to enunciate. If I’m not very careful, it comes out “cannidate,” almost like “Canada.” This becomes a problem when a particular column uses the word “candidate” 42 times. ]