Children’s Letters to Raven-Symone XII
(For background on this feature, read the opening paragraphs of the previous entry. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)
This might be our last edition for a while. You’ll notice by the dates on the e-mails that we’ve FINALLY caught up with the backlog we had, and the e-mails don’t come in as frequently as they did when the address was first leaked. So enjoy this one, and hopefully we’ll have enough for another edition in a couple months!
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
May 27, 2007:
Y r liein to people and sayin ur rave and answerin the questions?
* * * * *
May 28, 2007:
hey raven i am from australia and iam your biggest fan and i love you and i got you msn and our time is diffrent to you so some time we should try to speak to
eachother.
["Our concept of 'time' is entirely different here in Australia. The clocks move backwards, and if something starts at 2:00, that means it actually happened yesterday."]
* * * * *
June 5, 2007:
hello raven u fukin huaruios n im ur biggest boi fan u ever meet u no wyhat uir so funny i tachley what the cheetah girl n 2 luv ya loadz ben u bigets fan plzplz reply to em on [e-mail address involving the screen name "phatben"]
[I didn't censor that swear word because, well, he spelled it wrong. The way he wrote it, I'd pronounce it "fooken." It might even be Dutch.
Definitely not Dutch: "huaruios," which I assume is "hilarious," and "tachley," whose translation I am genuinely at a loss to come up with. Anyone have any ideas? I'm usually pretty good at this, but "tachley" has me stumped.]
* * * * *
June 5, 2007:
hi
I WANT TO MEAT YOU..
your loly friend:
meme
* * * * *
June 7, 2007:
i love you its is xanvis [last name]
when do you live at
* * * * *
June 21, 2007:
DEAR RAVEN SYMONE,
I’M YOUR #1 FAN OF ALL TIME. I WANT 2 MEET YOU SO BADLY IT DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!!! ALL I EVER WANTED 2 DO IS BE ON YOUR SHOW EVER SINCE I SEEN : DISNEYCHANNEL & THAT SO RAVEN!!! I KNOW YOU PROBABLY GET TONS OF MAIL ALL THE TIME, BUT THIS 1 IS TRUE AND IT COMES FROM THE HEART, ALSO I WANTED 2 TELL YOU I ENJOY ALL YOUR MUSIC VIDEOS, SHOWS,GAMES ON DISNEYCHANNEL.COM, POSTERS, AND PICTURES!!! U TRULY ARE MY HERO, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. HOPEFULLY I’LL GET 2 MEET U IN REAL LIFE BECAUSE, THATS MY DREAM, THAT’LL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE,YOUR ALWAYS BUSY ALL THE TIME. AND I’LL PROBABLY BE WASTING YOUR TIME. I HOPE YOU VISIT ME. I’M IN CHICAGO,ILLINOIS RIGHT NOW UNTIL JULY 31ST. MY ADRESS IN CHICAGO IS: [address] CHICAGO,IL 60628-2438. WHEN I GO BACK 2 GEORGIA ON JULY 31ST MY ADRESS IS: [address] LITHONIA, GEORGIA 30058. ALSO, MY EMAIL ADRESS IS: [e-mail]. OH YEAH, I FORGOT 2 TELL U MY NAME, WELL, MY NAME IS ANGEL [two last names] OR ANGELINA [entirely different middle name and surname]. I HAVE 2 TELL U SOMETHING 2 I CAN’T GO 2 YOUR CONCERTS OR ANYTHING BECAUSE WE AIN’T RICH AND I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND $, NO MATTER HOW BAD I WANT 2 GO. WELL ANYWAY HOPE YOU E-MAIL ME OR AT LEAST COME SEE ME IN YOUR SPARE TIME. UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
["I understand if you don't have time to e-mail me back. But the LEAST you could do is to stop by my house." This e-mail is so funny it don't make any sense at all.]
* * * * *
June 25, 2007:
dear raven my sister wanted to know if she can be on one of your shows and would you like to come to a 4th of July party yes or no because your cousin aliza wanted to know if you do write back so i could give you my phone number and the envatation
[Child, please. Raven does not respond to run-on sentences.]
* * * * *
July 12, 2007:
hey raven do u know Jake t Austin or Emily Osment and do u know there emails if u do know them but, i love that so raven i totally miss that show why did it stop?
July 12, 2007:
hey raven this email is only for famous people so u Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale are on here so email me anytime if u have a question and i love the show thats so raven why did it stop?
* * * * *
July 14, 2007:
Hi raven [heart]
I need some advice i have a stunning voice and i like acting and want to be a singer/actress but my dad want me to be a doctor what shall i do?
sophia B. [kissy lips]
[Do you get the feeling Sophia and her dad are both going to be disappointed with the way things turn out?]
* * * * *
July 24, 2007:
Hi Raven,
I love your show Thats So Raven,it is so so hip hopin groovey!!! [many more exclamation points] i am called valentino iam not like any of your other emails that you have because i am just over da moon one of your best fan’s
i think your just so great i love you as a friend my smallish brother who is only 8 is being a right pest not braggin but really you no in da show you have corey as da we bro! know he is cool.
iam 11 yeas old i live at [street address] nick name tino my mobile [string of digits that I assume is a British cell phone number] please rubb your head at your next episode this saturday i love scotland !! ma country rocks. you should go to scotland for a holiday. perth shire / aberfeldy
if you email me back it will come up with [different first and last name] bla bla bla that is the right one oh ad fab costumes on your show that you wear please ring me iam not some silly guy i’ll even give you ma bebo usename [user name] password [password]
oh and [password] is my best friend you are special and lucky i really wish i had your life?
please give me an email back if you ad a chance but mabey not iam going to add you as a friend !!!
Thank You
Tino or Valentino i love both iam addopted and i was actually brought up to scotland my real mum is called canella but my real mum here is marion i was only 2 at te time you can delete this if you want Ranen but this imformation is all true BYE TINO XXXXXXX
[There's a lot of crazy in that e-mail. I guess there's nothing crazier than an 11-year-old Scottish boy.]
* * * * *
Aug. 1, 2007:
Hey raven my name veronica mejia. I would die and come back alive if u reply to my emails plz. Hopefully u write back. I just really admire u soooo much. U r my idol 4eva. Plzzzzz write back. C Ya.
–cat97741
* * * * *
Aug. 5, 2007:
Raven ,
i know you don’t know me but u are my idol my name is Fanta by the way , i wish i could meet you if i could then that would change my life if i don’t get to meet u than i wish for you to email Ive never knew who inspired me as much as you do
[Fanta? Come on, parents. Try not to suck so bad at naming your children.]
August 9th, 2007 at 12:33 am
“Tachley” Great. Now I’ll never be able to sleep again as my mind is trying desperately to figure out what in the heck that’s supposed to mean. CURSE YOU STUPID PEOPLE! YOUR HORRIBLE WORDS TAUNT ME IN THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT!
August 9th, 2007 at 5:46 am
HOLY CRAP!!!
I think I’ll go home now and read to my kids.
August 9th, 2007 at 6:11 am
tachley what = totally watch?
August 9th, 2007 at 6:47 am
fukin? I want to MEAT you?
I weep for our future
August 9th, 2007 at 6:55 am
I think it means “actually watch”. This is how my four year old said actually…..tachley.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:24 am
“actually watch” has my vote (and I thought of it before I read Amy’s post).
August 9th, 2007 at 7:26 am
Fanta… poor kid.
Mind you, there was a maths teacher at my primary school called Mr. Pibb, although being a toddler at the time, and in the UK where that product isn’t sold, I didn’t make the connection until some years after I left.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:19 am
I would weep just for our children if I didn’t run into multiple adults each day who spell, speak, and think just as poorly as these children. It may have a lot to do with the fact that I work for a company that owns and runs convenience stores, but it is not just the C-Store employees that are an embarrassment to our language and educational system.
At any rate, books are our friends, people. Text messaging, and its accompanying abbreviation plague, is not.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:35 am
When I read it, I wondered if Tachley could be the name of the poor child.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Like card I initially thought it could be the kid’s first name; however, he later signs off as “ben u bigets fan.” Here’s my translation of his e-mail into the most coherent English that still retains the writer’s words.
“hello raven u fukin huaruios n im ur biggest boi fan u ever meet”
“Hello, Raven. You are !@#@$ hilarious and I’m the biggest boy fan you will ever meet.”
“u no wyhat uir so funny”
“You know what? You’re so funny!”
“i tachley what the cheetah grl n 2″
“I actually watch what the Cheetah Girls and two/too/to? [I don't have any idea what he's trying to say here. Is the "what the cheetah grl n 2" phrase actually a different sentence? Or is the phrase connected to the "luv ya loadz" that comes immediately after? We may never know, but this we can know: teaching your children grammar is more important than buying them a cell phone.]
“luv ya loadz ben u bigets fan”
“Love you loads,
Ben, your biggest fan” [Wouldn't it be great if Ben actually meant "bigot" and missed it by one letter rather than biggest?]
“plzplz reply to em on” [e-mail address involving the screen name “phatbenâ€?]
“Please, please, reply to me on ____”
August 9th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
“‘i tachley what the cheetah grl n 2′
‘I actually watch what the Cheetah Girls and two/too/to?’”
I’m assuming he meant, “I actually watch ‘The Cheetah Girls I & II.’ “
August 9th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
I think “cheetah grl n 2″ means “The Cheetah Girls and The Cheetah Girls 2″ referring to the movie and its sequel. But I seem to remember from previous letters in this series that Ms. Symone wasn’t in the sequel.
August 9th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
On second thought, I’d go with “watched,” past tense.
August 9th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
I didn’t believe it, but wikipedia confirms that there actually is a Cheetah Girls 1 and 2 (3 is due in 08)! Why hasn’t Eric reviewed them? Sure it wasn’t released in the theaters, but the comedy gods demand that at least the first be reviewed. Come on Eric - take one for the team.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
I think that “tachley” email is a code of some sort. Get Tom Hanks in here to figure it out.
From the Internet Anagram Server:
fukin huaruios = i sour haiku fun
i tachley what = a latch whitey
u bigets fan = safe tubing
phatben = hap bent
It’s all so clear now…
August 9th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
I have to say that “I want to meat you” strikes me as the funniest thing ever.
And I also have to second the feeling of despair for our youth…if I have kids, I will refuse to acknowledge that they are trying to communicate with me if they ever use such atrocious language, written or verbal.
August 9th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
You know what’s sad? That eleven year old boy from Scotland is considered to be in highschool. The poor boy. He probably only got a level 2 on his Key stage 2 exams. Had to. I taught students who did just as poorly on their KS2 exams, and they could write better than he could.
August 10th, 2007 at 7:19 am
“…the e-mails don’t come in as frequently as they did when the address was first leaked. ”
Could Raven-Symone’s popularity be fading? Will it soon be time to leak Hanna Montana’s fake e-mail address?
August 10th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Didn’t that Fanta girl write once before? I think I’ve seen that name in the Children’s Letters earlier…
August 10th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
How about “I totally watched Cheetah Girls 1 and 2″? Makes more sense than “actually watched,” as if watching them were completely unbelievable or something (to anyone other than us anyway).
August 11th, 2007 at 8:14 am
“when do you live at”?
“WHEN do you live at”?!
No WONDER Raven-Symone has so many #1 bigets best fans and is the idol 4eva of so many illiterate children everywhere…She can travel in time and live in whatever time period she likes.
August 11th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Turkey, you are bringing logic into a discussion about people who constantly prove that proper spelling and grammar are beyond them
August 12th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Touche.
July 29th, 2008 at 6:07 am
“I guess there’s nothing crazier than an 11-year-old Scottish boy.”
How about a fully grown Scottish bloke? Most of the ones I know are mad as a box of frogs.