Eric D. Snider

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Children’s Letters to Raven-Symone XIII

(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

It would appear that Raven-Symone’s fans are getting stupider. I know! I wouldn’t have thought it was possible either, but here we are. As has become my custom, I have put my favorite passages in bold type.

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

Aug. 10, 2007:
hi raven im shakira 4rm texas i love you so much i feel like i can talk to u i like in a person. Also ppl have said u were having a baby is that true. luv shkira

[Does "4rm" mean "from"? It should mean "forearm." "I'm Shakira, forearm Texas." I don't know what that would mean, though.]

* * * * *

Aug. 12, 2007:
hi my name is jadah. i’m not gonna go crazy and mad like other people. i have a feeling that gets kindof annoying. i am a big fan though. and i’m really glad i get the chance to talk to you. i got your email address on bebo so i thought i’d add you to my contacts. i think your real and even if your not i don’t see the point in listening to those haters. i’d love to have you as a friend so please add me to your contacts. i hope you do. and i’ll be glad to talk to you more and become good friends.

xxxJadahxxx

* * * * *

Aug. 13, 2007:
dear raven hi this is your cousin Arias and Taylor seeing if u can right again love u arias

* * * * *

Aug. 17, 2007:
hi ma name is kevine am a girl and i realy admire u so much and i would love to be ur friend. i know u don’t no me i live in ug and i have never been in america or any other countrie except ma home countrie rwanda and i went for ma holidays in kenya only ma dad travels around the world because of his job. i will tell u ma secrets if u tell me u will be ma friend.

[My best guess is that "ug" means "Uganda." Do they call it "Ug" for short? That's kind of cute.]

* * * * *

Aug. 17, 2007:
hey mama i wanted to kno next year can u come to my birthday party in 2008 June 16 i am 10 years old goin to the 5th grade but next year i will be goin to 6th and turnin 11 just email me back and tell me if u can thanks if u can

* * * * *

Aug. 28, 2007:
hello raven!!

My name’s emilie, i’m 15 and, i just wanted to know you! i don’t know if you are the real raven! i’m not your fan, but something of you attract me, and i don’t know why!!! Just for you know (?), i’m french, soo…… i don’t speak very good your language, even if i’m the best pupil of my classroom! lol

LOVE YA!

[As usual, we find that Raven's foreign correspondents speak English better than her American ones.]

* * * * *

Aug. 29, 2007:
hey,this is one of your fans our names are tanisha & moesha and moe want to say can u get us ticket to go to the cheetah licious concert please and a free limo. and tanisha i want to say i want to know how you do it with fashion cause i want to be a fashion designer and go back stage with passes please girl .p.s and i need your cell phone number to call so my mom can talk to you. oh snap girl i totally love your style. PLEASE WRITE BACK!

[This letter is full of failure. This is one of your fans; our names are Tanisha and Moesha. We want free, outrageously expensive things. We want to know how you "do it" with fashion. We need -- not want, but need -- your cell phone number. Someone needs to give these girls a good slappin', and that someone is called Real Life.]

* * * * *Oct. 5, 2007:
Hi Raven. My name is Sahra and im a huge fan. Im 11 years old. I want to be a singer when i grow up because i have an amazing voice. I could even sing to you one day. Your really awesome and you are my true hero.Please if you think im that much of a pepperazzi person so dont worry.
YOUR AWESOME RAVEN.
LOVE FROM YOUR FAN:SAHRA

* * * * *

[This next letter is one of the most annoying yet. Not only was it sent in all-caps, but all the E's were replaced with 3's: "PL3AS3 CAN YOU R3AD TH3S3," etc. I've put them back to E's again for your convenience.]

Oct. 12, 2007:
TO RAVEN..X

MY NAME IS POLLYANNA [last name] NAND IM 13 YEARS OLD..

PLEASE CAN YOOU READ THESE SONGS I HAVE MADE UP THERE NOT FINSHED JUST YET BUT ASN YOOU WERE IN THE CHEETHA GIRLS I FORT YOOU COULD HELP ME WITH THESE!.. PLEASE THAT’S IF YOU DON’T MIND!
PLEASE CAN YOOU RITE BACK WHEN YOU HAVE SOME SPARE TIME! THANX!

BOY:
BOY I KNOW YOU’VE HURT BEFORE BUT I PROMISE YOU KNOW MORE..

DADDY’S LITLLE PRINCESS:
I NEED YOUR ARMS 2 COVER ME BUT NDO NOT SMOTHER ME..!
DADDY HES NO COMPARISON 2 YOOU DON’T MAKE ME CHOSE WHO I LOVE THE MOST I’LL FIND A WAY TO LOVE YOU BOTH.!

PLEASE RAVEN IN YOUR SPARE TIME CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THESE SONG THANX YOU EVER SO MUCH..!

ALL I WNNA BE WHEN I’M OLDER IS 2 BE A SINGER THAT’S ALL IVE DONE SINCE I WAS 3 YEARS OLD..
I SING AND BREATH MUSIC THAT IS MY PASSION..!
I’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD 2 PERSUE MY DREAMS BUT I FEEL THAT NO1 CARES ABOUT MY PASSION!!

IVE BEIN TOLD IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND YOULL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS MUSIC AND SINGING THEN YOU WERE BORN 2 BE A SINGER..!!!!!!!

THANX YOOU PLEASE E-MAIL ME BACK ….X

19 Responses to “Children’s Letters to Raven-Symone XIII”

  1. Argus Skyhawk Says:

    “this is one of your fans our names are tanisha & moesha”

    That is just beautiful.

  2. Neil Says:

    AS ALWAYS, INCR3DIBL3. I THINK THAT I SHOULD CHANG3 MY R3SUM3 TO R3AD LIK3 THIS.

    ALSO, IS IT JUST ME, OR DO3S THAT SONG HINT OF INC3STUOUSN3ESS? CR33PY.

  3. Justin Says:

    Tru3 dat! How is it that so many of these kids have grown up with the silly idea that if they want something bad enough they will get it.? Is this the Disney channel’s doing? Are parents reinforcing the idea? I’d like to tell these kids that they’ll be lucky if they graduate from the 6th grade.

  4. Sean Says:

    These letters are actually a bright ray of hope to me. Here we are more than a year from the next election, and already the political messages are ugly and dirty. But here we have a rallying point—something we can all agree on. Let’s all just get along together, because these letters make it clear to all of us that it makes no difference whom we elect in 2008. America is screwed. It’s no use fighting over the rudder of a sinking ship.

  5. Niall Says:

    How can anyone possibly think “you” is spelt “yoou”? I mean, where does that even come from? And you just know these kids are gonna grow up and have thousands more kids with even worse spelling than them. Eventually it’s gonna become a separate language.

    Also, these kids don’t seem to realise that if you want something (like to become a singer), you should probably work towards it, rather than just expect it to magically happen…

  6. Christina D Says:

    As always, fabulous examples of little kids who can’t spell. I swear… they get worse every year. Is this what they teach in public schools these days? Do I need to home-school my future children, so they can learn to spell properly and use grammar? I’m frightened.

    Anyway, good stuff. It seemed like it was shorter than usual though. *sniffle*

  7. Scott Says:

    “This letter is full of failure” had me shouting with glee, to the distress of my roommate who thought I hurt myself.

    Did the last letter writer say that his age was 1E, and he’d been a singer since he was E years old? If you’re going to do the 3/E switch thing, you’ve gotta be consistent. Wait, sorry, I meant, “yoou’ve”.

  8. kevith Says:

    Sean makes a good point….

  9. Mike Says:

    I can’t believe these people will actually be out in the real world trying to get into colleges and get a job.

  10. melis Says:

    It’s incredible to me that there are children out there that are allowed to be this dumb. Where are the parents? And why can they naviate the web, send email, and yet, not spell something as simple as you? Was there no spell check???
    And what’s with the 3/E thing?!?!

    When will they realize stupidity is not cool?!?!?!?!

    Aaaaarrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Turkey Says:

    “IVE BEIN TOLD IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND YOULL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS MUSIC AND SINGING THEN YOU WERE BORN 2 BE A SINGER..!!!!!!!”

    That gem is a paraphrased quote from “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.” I believe that when you start using Whoopi Goldberg quotes as your personal mantras, something has to be done to stop you.

  12. melis Says:

    hahahahaha

    NAVIGATE……

    That was an honest typo. I would be willing to bet that NONE of the mispellings were typos…..

  13. Melissa Says:

    OK, so it’s sad that I know this, but…

    The last letter referenced a song that the letter’s author said she wrote herself, called “Daddy’s Little Princess”. The lyrics she “wrote” are from a song called “Love You Both” by Brooke Hogan (Hulk Hogan’s daughter). So yeah, that music career is off to a great start – plagerism is so cute!

    Also, there’s a line in the same kid’s letter about waking up in the morning and only being able to think about singing means you’re meant to be a singer. This is stolen from “Sister Act 2 – Back in the Habit”, and Whoopi Goldberg’s character says this to Lauren Hill’s character. Do I think Lauren Hill was meant to be a singer? Oh yes. Do I think “Pollyanna” is meant to be a singer? Perhaps, but first she’ll need to stop claiming all this copyrighted material as her own.

    Again, yes, I realize how sad it is that I know all these references. If anyone wants to play “Trivial Pursuit” with me though, it’s on! :-)

  14. ClobberGirl Says:

    At least she didn’t claim to have written Eric’s Titanic piece. BTW… once again, very scary what kids will tell total strangers on the Internet. This could be a good way for a sick person to get the full names, phone #s, etc. of some very stupid children out there.

  15. Wombatty Says:

    You know, when I was eleven I wrote a fan letter to the cast of Battlestar Galactica. The original one with Lorne Greene. Thank God no one can post THAT epistle online for the world’s entertainment. I think I told Starbuck he could spend the night at my house if he slept on the front porch, and that my mom would probably make grits for breakfast. But at least I spelled everything with actual letters. I actually believed the entire cast would sit around, passing my letter from hand to hand, amazed at the drawings I included of myself and my dog. Anyway, I’m just sayin’ we’ve all been young.

  16. Randy Tayler Says:

    By age 11, though, you should be writing coherently. These are middle-school-level kids writing like 7 year-olds.

    I don’t understand how you write like that and still be able to read, quite frankly.

    “…’Harry Potter waved his wand to cast the spell’? What does THAT mean…?

    Oh, now I get it — they’re trying to say he ‘wav3d his wand 2 cast teh sp311.’ Heh, maybe that’s why the author’s name is J/K.”

  17. Phil Cardenas Says:

    I truly hope no one thinks that Sahra (what?) is too “PEPPERAZZI”. ‘Cuz we all know how delicious that can be (does anyone else feel the need for Italian right now?) Sigh. I weep for this generation. Seriously, everyone of these kids needs a secretary. Or parents. Or legal guardian…

  18. Weezy Says:

    Or Ad Litums.

  19. Chrissy Says:

    Turkey, your comment made me laugh out loud, which I don’t do often. Thanks for that.

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