Eric’s Bad Movies needs suggestions!

The Room.
Black Sheep (the horror movie, not the one with Chris Farley).
Both have been the subject of bad movie nights among my friends, both are terrible.

LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Second only in awesomeness (some will translate this as badness) to Invasion USA.

LOCK UP: Donald Sutherland, World’s Most Evil Warden.

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS: Tyrese Gibson is hongry!

STAR TREK IX: Life raft Data!

Santa Claus: This one http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053241/
It is available on Netflix instant view, which should make watching it possible. Sitting through the whole thing, though, may not be.

Chairman of the Board from 1998. Starring Carrot Top. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118836/

You missed the first Allan Quartermain movie, King Solomon’s Mines. FOR SHAME.

Also, I think you’re missing a whole score of movies that begin with “RETURN OF”.

In Search of the Castaways (1962). Hayley Mills, fresh off The Parent Trap, having “adventures” all over the world! Giant condors who abduct people! Avalanches that feel like fun amusement park rides! A “cute” boy who is actually a pompous jerk! An old-timey crazy guy who talks funny! It was bad. Very bad.

The Wraith (1986). Drag racing, charlie sheen, an invisible car, randy quaid as a sheriff, etc.

I’d like to recommend:

Crossroads — starring Britney Spears as a medical student who aspires to be a singer, and Dan Aykroyd as her unsupportive father

Dungeons and Dragons (2000) — a movie which my family adamantly believes to be the worst movie of all time.

I like your column – can’t wait to see what you review next!

I can’t believe you’ve done that many movies already. It seems like you just started EBM yesterday.

Would you consider “Red Dawn”?

Hey “B”, MST3K did a version of that Santa Claus movie that my teens enjoy so much it’s now their tradition to watch it on Christmas Eve. Not saying it’s a good movie, just a good one to make fun of.

DUNE

I know it is a “classic” of camp but Plan 9 is just sooooo bad. Is it disqualified for some reason?

Agree with Randy on King Solomon’s Mine. I know I’ve recommended this before, but I still have to go with TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze.

I second DUNE. “My name is a killing word!”

You failed to mention the “must be available for viewing” stipulation this time. With that in mind, I suggest you go back in time to 1978 and see “Matilda”. (Boxing kangaroo movie, not the magical schoolgirl movie from the 90’s)

Technically, it was released on DVD in the UK at some point, but it’s not exactly easy to get at this point. You can enjoy a sample of the pain, though:

If you did the original and sequals are generally worse you should try “I still know what you did last summer”.

Despite the fact that I actually like Star Trek: Insurrection, I have to admit it is one of the weaker Trek movies. If you decided to feature it in your Bad Movies column, you would have an easy time making fun of it.

I recently listened to part of the DVD commentary by Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis. It wasn’t very informative, and Sirtis didn’t even seem to remember much about the movie, but the commentary was still entertaining because the two of them spent much of the time giving the movie the Mystery Science Theater treatment. “Oh no, Picard is going to SING? Whose idea was that?”

Halloween H20 with Jamie Lee Curtis and Josh Harnett. A surprisingly high rating from Rotten Tomatoes but I think it follows the sequel rule above. With a special muliplier for being a horror movie sequel.

The Faculty and Disturbing Behavior were both pretty bad. And they didn’t even have to be a sequel to do it. Plenty of stars too: Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Josh Harnett, James Mardsen. It looks like 98 was a good year for bad horror movies. (Which I suppose makes it like every other year).

Tremors.

Quintet starring Paul Newman, directed by Robert Altman.
I gave a stab at a review on my blog here:
http://filmdrift.com/2011/01/17/quintet-movie-review-blast-from-the-past/

I don’t think I suggested them before, and I’m too lazy to verify that they have never been suggested to you, but:
Never Say Never Again (65%)
Moonraker (64%)

Random Hearts with Harrison Ford. So bad….I couldn’t sleep.

THEODORE REX: The tale of Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur.

Flash Gordon would be awesome.

-“The Conqueror” (1956) ~ In which John Wayne plays Genghis Khan! Production shooting that famously killed almost half the cast and crew.
(A lot of people on the Internet claim Netflix doesn’t have it. They do, on a disc that carries “Pittsburgh” and “The Conqueror” as a double feature. Just FYI.)
-“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) ~ I know you already did part 4, but “TCM2” is truly, truly terrible. You get to see Dennis Hopper go insane, and he’s not even the worst thing about it!
-“Butterfly” (1982) ~ Bad movie with a great soundtrack. Available for Netflix streaming.
“Twister” (1996) ~ Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t been done yet.

Lisa (1990) with Cheryl Ladd.

Expendables, Man in the Iron Mask, Romeo and Juliet (the Claire Danes one), The Ballad of Jack and Rose.

I second the Crossroads suggestion.

Almost anything with Robin Williams – Hook might be a good place to start.

I’ve been reviewing movies since 1999, so in general, you can skip anything released since then.

If you’ve suggested a film in the past and I haven’t used it, you don’t need to suggest it again, I promise. Either I’ve considered it and rejected it, or it’s on my to-do list.

I’ve suggested it a few times, so maybe you don’t want to do it, but Almost Heroes (1998). It only has 15% on RT…and I hated, hated, hated it. I hated it for being the last movie I saw in the theater before my mission. I hated it for having Matthew Perry. And I hated it for killing Chris Farley (I assume).

Top Dog- starring Chuck Norris. From Netflix: “When San Diego cop Jack Wilder’s partner is murdered, his new partner is one of San Diego’s finest — a dedicated police dog named Reno. Together, they form an unstoppable team in tracking down the terrorist group who killed Wilder’s partner.”

Hercules in New York – starring Ahnold.

The Room – oh hai, you should review this.

Man with the Golden Gun – For almost 30 years, this was the worst James Bond movie. Moonraker is at least watchable in a cheesy way, and knows not to take itself seriously, but this movie is just a giant turd.

When the Captain America movie comes out this summer, you’ll have to watch the hilariously awful original movie.

“North,” from director Rob Reiner. Despite the fact that I generally like Elijah Wood’s films, even when he was a child actor. “Avalon,” for instance, is fantastic. “North” is just… hmm.

“Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea” is a sci-fi classic that is unintentionally comical.

If you’re going to do another “Star Trek” film, I’d go after “Star Trek: The ‘Motionless’ Picture” before going after “Insurrection.” Frankly, the Star Trek movie franchise would have been dead and buried in the 1970s if they hadn’t come up with the franchise-saving second entry “Khan.”

You can’t go wrong with Chuck Norris, a staple for EBM. Try “Sidekicks” (although I think it’s only on VHS).

Perhaps “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”? Or “The Jazz Singer” (1980)?

“Night of the Comet” would be another good one to review.

The Craft
Ladybugs
Neverending Story 2
Practical Magic
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 and 3
Mortal Kombat

I would also recommend browsing the movies they have on Hulu and Flixster. A lot of those seem like great candidates.

‘PIN’. It’s a Canadian horror about a puppet. I saw it around ’90 with the usual gang – about 10 people – and there were three of us left (awake) in the room by the end. The most memorable thing about it was my mate Stuart coming out of his doze and mumbling “Who the hell grabbed PIN?”

And have you done ‘Revolution’? Y’know, the film that sent Pacino into hiding? Probably worth a look.

“Turn the River” is just so horrible. It’s one of the most boring movies I’ve ever seen (and I like pool and gambling). Everyone’s actions were unrealistic and there is plenty to make fun of. I realize the reviews aren’t that bad but the critics that gave it positive reviews really got it wrong.

I’m with Donovan. The Wraith (Charlie Sheen, so good timing) is the only movie I’ve seriously contemplated walking out. Randy Quaid too. Just awful.

Dune is awesome, so shhhhhh!!!!

I might suggest “Bye Bye Love.” It’s not really a comedy (I’d guess you’d call it a ‘dramedy’) starring Paul Reiser. …It’s basically the world’s longest and most tedious McDonald’s commercial.

The legend of Billy jean, and if you can get over it being straight to DVD then titanic II is worth it’s weight in gold. I think both of these are still on Netflix streaming.

Perhaps The Last Action Hero?

The Lady and the Highwayman

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097707/

This is a terrible movie. But plenty of stars! Hugh Grant, Oliver Reed, that girl from Krull whose name escapes me . . .

I’d suggest A Force of One, if it’s available over Netflix. I think it’s the first Chuck Norris movie ever made. It’s also one of the worst things I’ve ever seen.

The Boy Would Could Fly.

Not only would this let you get your Fred Savage and Jason Priestly on, but here is one of the Goofs from IMDB, “Crew or equipment visible: Cables holding Eric can visibly be seen as he and Millie are falling off the roof of the school before they crash into Millie’s mom.”

http://xkcd.com/653/

I don’t know if it really counts as a movie, but hey…

What about Titanic II? It might have gone straight to video, but nearly everyone’s heard about it, right?

Found this one at imdb.

Legend of the Roller Blade Seven (1992): Its full of A list stars less famous brothers. Frank Stallone, Joe Estevez. It boasts a whopping 1.7 rating.

Blind Fury with Rutger Hauer. What’s better than a blind swordsman?

Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983)
Circle of Iron (1978)
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978)

Of those three Yor has to be the worst. Although the wikipedia synopsis says it was made from a TV mini series, the imdb page says it made an astounding $2.8 million in the USA for its Box Office earnings. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084935/

Oh, so, while I’m typing that I’ve made my suggestion before, Eric posts requests not to do that. Thanks, Mr. Snider. Now I look like a jerk. A real a-hole.

But not for the reason that actually make me an a-hole (I push people into walls as I pass them in crowded hallways).

@KC

The Legend of Billie Jean was pretty good! There’s probably a decent amount to make fun of………but it’s not even close to as bad as the other movies Eric has done. It’s a cult classic that most people like.

Oh, so, while I’m typing that I’ve made my suggestion before, Eric posts requests not to do that. Thanks, Mr. Snider. Now I look like a jerk. A real a-hole.

Well, to be fair, I was actually re-posting it from the top of the page, where people seemed to have missed it. 🙂

Imma go ahead and re-re-post it again now.

If you’ve suggested a film in the past and I haven’t used it, you don’t need to suggest it again, I promise. Either I’ve considered it and rejected it, or it’s on my to-do list.

I know Charlie Sheen jokes have spoiled at the rate of all pop culture based jokes by now, but I still have to recommend Terminal Velocity (1994).

What about Sharktopus? It’s a TV movie so not sure if it meets your rigorous standards.

I think this one is from the 2000s, but it is not on your bad list, so I can only assume you have not seen it because it stinks on ice:
“Good Boy” with Mathew Broderick, Kevin Nealon, and Molly Shannon. My daughter makes us watch it three hundred times a year. It hurts my spirit.

Even worse is the truly soul-numbing dog movie “My Magic Dog.” The dog is invisible. And I wish he were visible so I could kick him the the dog nuts.

Also, my husband suggests Dungeons and Dragons.

My sincere apologies for not reading all of the instructions. As punishment, I will go watch Patch Adams. 🙂

Hey, don’t be knockin’ “My Magic Dog”! That movie made me cry so many times as a seven-year old! 🙂

I would further recommend “Bulletproof” starring Gary Busey. Just watch this 10-second clip:

Dungeons & Dragons, while awful (and mentioned TWICE now), has already been done by Mr. Snider (see his review archive)…

My sincere apologies for not reading all of the instructions. As punishment, I will go watch Patch Adams.

No! It was just a small mistake! It’s not worth it!

What are the movies on your to-do list? So we can narrow our search…

What are the movies on your to-do list? So we can narrow our search…

Well, I do like to maintain some element of surprise. If you know you’ve suggested something before, just don’t feel like you need to suggest it again, that’s all.

American Graffiti 2
Condorman (who can resist Michael Crawford as a spy.)
Almost any movie staring a music star (Disorderlies, It Couldn’t Happen Here, etc)
Anastasia (decent but fails as a kids movie)
Remakes of classics that just don’t get it (Sabrina, Psycho, The Thomas Crown Affair, etc)

Sacrilege! Condorman is awesome!

Flash Gordan (1978?)

Oh boy. The best part is the title track by Queen, which I think only has two words: “Flash…uh oh”. Or, is that three words? Nevertheless, even Queen knew what they were in for even back then.

I disagree about The Boy Who Could Fly. I didn’t feel like I “got” it, but I didn’t think it was the movie’s fault.

Go to Wikipedia and look up USA Up All Night. They have a list of movies that they played. Some of them are awesome. The vast majority suck. I don’t know how many were straight-to-video or whatever. It’s a list long enough to keep you working for a year and a half.

During the recent Elizabeth Taylor Memorial Screenings I happened to flip to the beginning of “Giant” (1956) and could not change the channel until it had exhausted itself. What a fabulous fruitcake of a movie: La Liz! The virile Rock Hudson! James Dean chomping scenery! In his Last Movie Appearance! Be sure to keep your eye out for Dennis Hopper. I’m pretty sure you could have a lot of fun with this one.

“Command,” with Schwarzenegger.
For truly excruciating, try “Dot and the Whale.”

I second-
Terminal Velocity
…and whoever said we need more Robin Williams. Sure he’s technically comedy but, it wouldn’t be a case of ‘you find that funny, I don’t’, there’s often so much illogic that there’d be plenty of material. Your Patch Adams article is a good example of why some of his movies could work here. Also, covering a few of his movies would be like a public service announcement: there are many people out there who think he’s always in good movies!
For Robin Williams-
Popeye (1980)
Father’s Day (1997)
Toys (1992)

Other-
Babe 2: Pig in the City
Sirens (1993) staring Hugh Grant

Hulk Hogan’s “No Holds Barred”

Well known? Check. Debuted in theaters at #2, behind “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”

Action movie? Check. Hogan plays a wrestler (natch) who takes down a sneering corporate bad guy.

Unanimous badness? Check. 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. So bad it’s still never been released on DVD.

Older than 1999? Check. 1989.

Really, I can’t believe you haven’t done this one yet. It could be a contender for Worst Movie Ever Made.

How about providing links to your previous bad reviews? I figured my mouse was broken when I couldn’t click on anything in your list.

Hello Eric. This is a list I originally wrote back in 2010 for your bad movie suggestions. You didn’t take any of my suggestions then but I hope you consider them now.

Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives!: Whaaaaa that guy with the mustache that looks like Eddie is Eddie? A precursor to Hannah Montana. For an added bonus there is an exclamation point in the title so you know they mean business. Eddie doesn’t just live darn it, EDDIE LIVES!

Airborne: A story about a teenage boy and his love of rollerblades.

Ghoulies: If only to see a young a Mariska Hargitay consumed by tiny toilet dwelling monsters.

Skeeter: A movie about giant toxic mosquitoes, need I say more?

Day of the Animals: Forget the animals, Leslie Nielson you so crazy.

The Return of the Living Dead: “I love you that’s why you have to let me eat your brains!”

I IMDBed “Airborne” and it claims to be a comedy. That is a noodle scratcher because it plays as a teenage melodrama with some super sweet blading moves sprinkled in. Listen “Airborne,” you’re not a comedy just because you have Seth Green being wacky. I think it should still be in the running for inclusion on your bad movie list.

Jon: The “Film.com” link in the first paragraph takes you to the Eric’s Bad Movies archives. I didn’t link them individually on account of there were like a million of them and all I really needed to do at the moment was list the titles.

Huston: I’d like to do “No Holds Barred,” but it’s not on DVD.

Erin: If you suggested something before and I didn’t take it, I probably just missed it. Thanks for posting it again!

“Suburban Commando” would be a good alternate to “No Holds Barred”

Avatar

Oh, and Avatar the Last Air Bender

Amazons and Gladiators
This “gem” came out in 2001 but I checked and you don’t have a review of it posted.
It’s like a low budget version of Xena but with worse acting.

How about “The Mod Squad” (1999)? I saw that one for free and still felt cheated.

Any John Wayne movie from the 50’s and 60″s. Particularly “Green Berets” or “McClintock”. One is anti-communist and the other is about Vietnam.

Raise the Titanic
Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Eric – You’ve had success with the formula before, so I think any movie where a musician/singer is the star has to generally be a bad movie. Vanilla Ice, The Bee Gees, The Spice Girls etc are all great EBM’s.

With that, my suggestion is “The Allnighter”, starring Susanna Hoffs. Although she is one of the hottest women of all time in my book, that movie is just awful. There is a scene where Susanna is dancing around in panties and a half shirt for no apparent reason, with the kicker being that the movie was directed by her mother. Had to be a weird day on the set. Can’t wait to see what you come up with.

Doppelganger starring Drew Barrymore

I know! Girls Just Want to Have Fun! It’s a horrible 80’s dance movie with Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt, and Shannen Doherty.

Okay, I checked IMDB and it lists Girls Just Want to Have Fun as a comedy. I didn’t remember it as a comedy. I just remembered it as awful.

The other week for a combined YM/YW activity at church the YM were in charge of choosing a movie. . .they told the girls it was a secret but that it was “a more awesome version of Avatar.” I got to the activity and we watched FernGully. 1992. I don’t think I ever saw it the first time around, but I do remember hearing all about it. It’s awful. . .from the Robin Williams/Genie-like character to the Bad 90’s rap songs (Tone-Loc). Awesomely bad. I wasn’t a big fan of Avatar, but I would watch it 1,000,000 times before I’ll sit through FernGully again. Wow.

First Knight (1995). Sean Connery, Richard Gere, and Julia Ormond in the classic Arthurian legend–sounds like it should be awesome! But it was so boring I couldn’t even finish the movie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) – Hard for me to objectively analyze the merits of this one because it is sandwiched between two of the greatest adventure movies of all time. But this one was just yucky, and had a horrible actress as the heroine playing opposite Harrison Ford.

‘Certified Copy’ apparently deserves a shot. My wife and a friend saw it last weekend and agreed that it was pretentious, baffling and uninvolving. I evaded it because it was directed by Kairostani and I swore that I never wanted to see another Iranian movie again as long as I lived, after sitting through one called something like ‘Drunken Horses’.

You need to lay off the cheap schlock and take on the uber-pretentious. Your review of a Catherine Breyat (sp??) movie was brilliantly funny. I think you called it ‘one of the Frenchest movies’ you’d ever seen.

We watched “Kickboxer” last night and it was like a trainwreck. We couldn’yt stop watching. We even DVRed it when we had to leave for a bit. Truly a Bad Movie!

It needs to be something whose badness is generally agreed upon, as opposed to something that YOU happen to hate but that is otherwise fairly well regarded.

hmmmm….

stop me if you’ve done these already, but:

Willow (taking after Labyrinth, except with Val Kilmer and little people…)

Actually, you could do Labyrinth too, jokes aplenty surrounding David Bowie’s tight pants…

9 Months (90’s comedy in which Hugh Grant is a jerk who can’t commit… a real step out of character for him)

I like the Ferngully suggestion. And there is definitely not a shortage of awful animated movies.

Here’s one. Shark Bait (2006) This is an animated rip off of Finding Nemo and Shark Tale, though with a 10 million dollar budget ( high for a rip off).

The voice acting cast is the stuff nightmares are made of: Freddie Prinze Jr., Rob Schneider, Andy Dick, and that guy that always plays drill sergeants.

I’m surprised I’ve never heard of this, but then I saw that it bombed at the box office. Ha!

I don’t know if it’s been suggested before, but Batman (1966) with Adam West could be a candidate. You could probably write a whole essay on the shark scene. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_B_n-Rbros

You NEED to review “Legend.” Sooooo 80’s and awful! I can’t believe it hasn’t been reviewed yet.

Some other suggestions:
-“Kindergarden Cop”
-“Tommy”
-“A Kid in Aladdin’s Palace”
-“A Knight in Camelot” with Whoopi Goldberg
-“Sister Act” is also ridiculous. And while it is a comedy, come on. Whoopi Goldberg’s cover as a nun actually makes her want to become a nun at the end? What?

Eric, do you know of an easy way to check whether a movie was released in theaters? There’s a local broadcast station where I’m at that plays just horrible movies (it was this channel that introduced me to Johnny Mnemonic) but I’m never sure if the station’s selections were ever released theatrically.

Surprised I didn’t think of this earlier. Total Recall (1990), or any movie which involves Mars really.

Eric, do you know of an easy way to check whether a movie was released in theaters?

The easiest way is to go to the movie’s IMDB page, click “release dates,” and see if any are listed for the U.S.

Lost in Space, Phenomenon, Broken Arrow, Commando, The Toxic Avenger, Small Soldiers, The Lost Boys, Flatliners, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Firestarter, Chain Reaction, Cutthroat Island, Batman Forever, Star Trek: The Motion Picture

I’m also with Mary on Legend. As dumbly awful 80’s era fantasy films go, this one is Awful.

P.S. Do you have any idea how hard it is to NOT think of comedies?

Oh, sorry, strike The Lost Boys. Apparently it’s meant to be funny.

Check out the 1994 version of The Fantastic Four. Roger Corman-produced, never released, but the whole thing is on YouTube. You’d have a field day with it.

Two I didn’t see listed but may have been suggested before.

Megaforce with Barry Bostwick
Space Hunter 3D with Molly Ringwald

I can’t believe it! Blackberry has a commercial right now for their tablet which uses the theme song to Flash Gordan! It is a sign!

70’s hairdos, disco costumes, horrible special affects…it is a goldmine.

Star Kid
Tequila Sunrise
Executive Decision (Steven Seagal is in it! And then he isn’t.)
Dead Again
Color of Night
Mary Reilly
Logan’s Run
The Haunting (Catherine Zeta-Jones remake)
When a Stranger Calls (the 1979 one with Carol Kane)
Midnight Lace
Fright Night Part II
Vampires (sometimes called John Carpenter’s Vampires, not to be
mistaken for Vampires: Los Muertos, aka John Carpenter’s
Vampires: Los Muertos, although that might be a good one, too,
what with Jon Bon Jovi playing a vampire hunter named Bliss)
The Ewok Adventure (also known as Caravan of Courage)
Ewoks: The Battle for Endor

The last two were for-TV productions that briefly made it into German theaters. One of them had Wilford Brimley, and both had Warwick Davis. Do they count as stars, though?

For some reason I seem to really want to see another vampire film get skewered.

I know that you asked for bad movie suggestions, but I think one movie that you could do “What’s the Big Deal” for or just review is Grave of the Fireflies. It is a wonderful Japanese anime movie that also happens to be one of the most depressing movies I’ve ever seen. If you appreciate Miyazaki’s work, then you will enjoy this. Some people even claim this movie to be the best anime movie ever made. I haven’t seen enough of this genre to be able to agree, but this movie is wonderful. I’d love to hear your take on it!

Thankskilling. 🙂

D.A.R.Y.L.
Crocodile Dundee II
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
The Golden Child (don’t be fooled that it’s a comedy)
Purple People Eater
No Retreat, No Surrender
Under the Cherry Moon
Steel (not on netflix but so terrible)
Freejack

I second D.A.R.Y.L., despite having fond memories of watching it as a child. Even without re-watching it, the older, stodgier me can appreciate that a movie where a 10-year-old steals an SR-71 and defeats the security measures with chewing gum is more “stupid” than “rad.”

Maybe you should revisit Pearl Harbor…

I just saw “The Prowler”, a terrible horror movie from 1981. This would be a perfect candidate for EBM, and it’s available on Netflix Instant so you wouldn’t have to order the disc! So, yeah, “The Prowler”.

Has anyone seen “Wagons East”? It’s the movie John Candy was working on when he died. I never saw it, but I never heard anything good about it either. Maybe it’s a comedy, though, in the loosest since of the term

Chill Factor

Am I late to the party? In honor of this superhero summer how about Shaq’s movie Steel?

Blue Lagoon starring a nubile Brooke Shields

Very recent: Skyline and The Switch (with Aniston and Bateman), both 2010

Anything recent by M. Night Shyamalan, like the one with Mark Wahlberg