‘Tis a busy weekend at the movies, and none of the options are very good! It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet at T.G.I. Friday’s!
The best of the new releases is “Disturbia,” and that’s only a C+. They get worse from there: the absurd Halle Berry thriller “Perfect Stranger”; the tiresome and padded-out “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” movie; and the laughable Vikings-vs-Indians epic “Pathfinder.”
Two more opened without being screened first, which suggests they may be as bad as the things they DID screen. “Redline” is about street-racing, and “Slow Burn” is a “Usual Suspects”-style thriller about a prosecutor who shoots a man she claims was trying to rape her. Look for reviews early next week, theoretically.
A note on the “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” movie. From a business standpoint, I’m perplexed that it even exists. The show it’s based on is a hit in Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” programming, but “hit” is a relative term when we’re talking about basic cable. The TV series averages about 380,000 viewers between the ages of 18 and 24. If every single one of them buys a ticket to the movie, with the average ticket price in America being $6.58, that’s a gross of only $2.5 million. I can’t imagine anyone who isn’t already a fan going to see it, and I doubt every single one of the fans will go, either. Granted, that 380,000 number is only for 18-24-year-olds, but even if there were an equal number of viewers older than 24 — which is doubtful — that’s still a MAXIMUM gross of only $5 million.
Basically, I’m wondering how they’re going to make any money on this film. Production costs, advertising, and so forth must have been at least $2 million. Then they had to pay another $2 million to the city of Boston over that ridiculous “bomb scare” in January (where little boxes meant as promotions for the movie were mistaken for explosive devices). That’s $4 million. On average, movie theaters keep about half of the box office gross, with the other half going to the distributor. So “Aqua Teen” has to gross at least $8 million for it to turn a profit, and I just don’t think that’s possible. I mean hey, good luck to them, but I’m glad it’s not my money they’re spending.