Last week word got around that an Australian website called What’s Playing had seen the script for Ridley Scott’s “Alien” prequel, and that it included a rather peculiar scene. Two human slaves, Fin and Karik, are terraforming under the command of some aliens called Growers. The Growers want their slaves to breed, so they use mind control to make them have sex. The problem is that Fin and Karik are both male. Seems the Growers are a single-gender species, so they don’t know how human reproduction works.
We didn’t know if these rumors about the script were true. All we knew was that Fox asked the site that first published them, What’s Playing, to take them down. (Here’s a screenshot of the original post, though, which is indeed real.) In honor of this story — and the way everyone (including the source site) went about covering it and exploiting it — we present our satire of the entire situation below in the form of script pages from the scene in question.
(FIN and KARIK, two brawny, handsome men in their twenties, are plowing a field under the sultry alien sun.)
FIN: Sure is hot out today on this space farm, doing this terraforming.
KARIK: I’ll say.
FIN: You mind if I take off my shirt?
KARIK: Not at all. In fact, I think I’ll do the same.
(They take off their shirts.)
FIN: Say, have you been working out, Karik?
KARIK: Me? Nah. Well, maybe a little.
FIN: You’re ripped, bro!
KARIK: Haha, thanks! You’re looking pretty fit yourself, dude!
(They continue working for a moment.)
FIN: (stretching) Man, I am sore from all this back-breaking slave labor under the harsh reign of our alien overlords.
KARIK: I hear ya, dude.
FIN: My shoulders are KILLING me!
KARIK: Hey, why don’t we take a break for a few minutes and I’ll give you a massage?
FIN: Yeah? You wouldn’t mind?
KARIK: No way, bro. I’ll do you, then you can do me.
FIN: Sweet, dude!
**[A few pages of the script are missing here.]**
(As if snapping out of a trance)
KARIK: WHOA!
FIN: HEY!
KARIK: What the–?
FIN: What just happened?!
KARIK: What was that all about??
FIN: Did we just–?
KARIK: Was my–?
FIN: Did you put your–?
KARIK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not cool, bro. Not cool.
FIN: What are you talking about? You started it!
KARIK: Me?!
FIN: Well, I’m sure as hell not–
KARIK: Neither am I!
FIN: Not that there’s–
KARIK: –anything wrong with that!
FIN: Right!
KARIK: But I’m not!
FIN: Me either!
KARIK: Then what were you doing putting your–
FIN: I don’t know! Why did you have your–
KARIK: It’s not like I wanted my–
FIN: You could have fooled me!
KARIK: Oh, you were loving it!
FIN: So were you!
(A beat.)
KARIK: Well, in the moment, yes.
FIN: Sure, me too, in the moment.
KARIK: I mean, right then, AS it was happening.
FIN: Yeah, totally.
KARIK: I mean, who wouldn’t?
FIN: Yeah.
KARIK: But NOW…
FIN: Ugh, disgusting.
KARIK: Why did we…?
FIN: I don’t know…
(ALIEN slavemaster comes galloping up on a space-horse.)
ALIEN: Human slaves! I have come to inquire as to the success of your breeding session.
FIN: Our what?
ALIEN: We must take tests to ensure that the reproduction process has been initiated.
KARIK: Reproduction? What is this guy talking about?
FIN: This alien is trippin’.
ALIEN: You have completed the reproductive act, is this correct?
KARIK: What, were you watching?
ALIEN: Naturally. We must monitor our slaves at all times to ensure that they breed successfully.
(FIN and KARIK look at each other.)
FIN: Uh, listen, buddy, if you somehow MADE us do that–
KARIK: With that weird mind-control crap of yours–
FIN: When we finally rise up in rebellion and cast off the chains of our oppression, I will personally beat the s*** out of you.
ALIEN: Please do not become hostile! Aggravated emotions may harm your unborn offspring!
KARIK: I don’t have any unborn offspring!
ALIEN: Not you, of course. The other one.
FIN: I don’t have any either! Wait, why do you assume it would be me?
KARIK: Were you … hoping that we would … make a baby?
ALIEN: Create new human offspring, yes.
FIN: You stupid, stupid aliens.
KARIK: That isn’t how it works!
ALIEN: If you failed to perform the act properly, you may attempt it again.
FIN: WE PERFORMED THE ACT PROPERLY.
KARIK: Damn right we did.
FIN: But we’re both dudes. Two dudes can’t make a baby.
ALIEN: Why not?
FIN: Because — seriously? — because you have to have a male and a female!
KARIK: One of each!
ALIEN: … I see.
KARIK: Did you seriously not know that?
FIN: I thought you were some kind of highly evolved race!
ALIEN: Our data on your race is incomplete.
KARIK: Obviously!
ALIEN: You’re quite certain…?
FIN: YES.
ALIEN: Giving it another try wouldn’t help?
KALIK: NO.
ALIEN: … Then I take my leave of you. GET BACK TO WORK, SLAVES!!
(ALIEN gallops off.)
FIN: So.
KALIK: There you go.
FIN: That explains it.
KALIK: Wasn’t our fault.
FIN: Right. No harm, no foul.
KALIK: Are we cool?
FIN: Yeah, bro. we’re cool.
KALIK: Cool.
(They return to their labors.)
FIN: My shoulders are still really killing me, though.
— Cinematical
