Olympics Report: Canadian Beggin’

That’s it! I’m moving to Russia! Because apparently, that’s where the world’s best figure skaters are (hardy-har-har), and I don’t want to live on a continent that doesn’t have the best figure skaters!

The Canadians were robbed — of the gold, of their dignity, of several pounds of back bacon — by communist Nazi fascist judges who were prejudiced against them! If I were Canadian, I would be so outraged, I would drive to the prime minister’s shack right now, not caring how many moose or penguins I hit along the way, and demand that he (or she) take immediate action against the Olympic judges!

OK. I am calm now. It’s just, I get so worked up when it comes to figure skating. After all, it’s the sport of kings, if your kings are lithe young men and women flinging each other around an ice rink. Figure skating has a long, noble tradition in the Olympics, and how dare the judges go against that tradition by letting the Russians win!

OK, now I’ve just been informed the Russians ALWAYS win, so it actually was in keeping with tradition that they won this time. But still! I’m angry! In fact, I’m so angry, I’m bangry and fangry! (That’s where you bang stuff around and your fangs are showing.) This is the greatest miscarriage of justice ever to occur in the history of mankind, and a tragedy like none the world has ever seen.

As you know if you watched Monday’s competition, the Russian pairs team, consisting of Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze, won the gold medal, despite the fact that when they did their routine, not only did they fall down a lot, but Berezhnaya was drunk and Sikharulidze wasn’t even wearing pants.

The Canadian team, meanwhile, comprising Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, performed a flawless routine that culminated in Pelletier putting both legs behind his head, and Sale turning herself inside-out. And for that the judges rewarded them with a shameful, shameful silver medal.

I fear this may be the last snub the proud Canadian people are able to take. For too long they have withstood our ridicule, the sub-freezing summer weather, the daily polar bear rampages in their town squares, currency cut out of comic books, and a now-epidemic level of French influence. I fear the Olympic judges have roused a sleeping giant. It is well-known that Canada has stockpiled nuclear weapons in the completely uninhabited territory of Saskatchewan for decades, and this latest insult may be the last straw. I urge President Bush — either the one we have now, or the old one — to take action immediately to prevent war. May heaven have mercy on us all.

I think I was "in character" in this column, like the time I got worked up about Miss Cleo. I wanted to address the uproar over the Canadians losing the gold, but I also wanted to express amusement at how upset everyone got over it. Funny how I can write two angry columns about getting towed and feel justified, but then I make fun of other people for getting angry when Canadians lose a medal. Funny also how I take this opportunity to make fun not of the judges, but of Canada -- kicking them while they're down, as it were.

"A tragedy like none the world has ever seen" is a reference to a column I wrote in 1999.

Someone signing herself "Joanna Cox"? filled out a HarkTheHerald.com feedback form with this message:

What is the difference between Woody Paige of the Denver Post and Eric Snider of the Daily Herald? [Background: Paige wrote an article criticizing Salt Lake's handling of the Olympics -- but the article was full of blatant falsehoods, strongly suggesting Paige had written the column before he even got to Utah. He later apologized for it.]

In the February 14th edition on Page 2 Eric is telling us the Russians are drunk and not wearing pants (underwear?) [No, pants. I said pants; I meant pants.] But on page 12 of the same section is a real news article about the biased, sloppy "out of area" journalists who distort the facts regarding the Mormon church and ridicule the state of Utah for it's handling of the Olympic games. How would anyone who does not live in Utah county know that Eric was not a biased and sloppy journalist who distorts the facts and ridicules everything and everyone. [Anyone who does not live in Utah County would catch on immediately that I was joking. The title "Snide Remarks," the constant stream of jokes -- these things would tip off anyone not from Utah County.]

The difference...Woody Paige was told to apologize and behave himself. Will Eric Snider be told the same? Of course after today's column and his multiple apology's, [this message was sent the next day, the day this column ran] we realise he does not have a clue, and obiviously your paper doesn't either or you would not be employing Mr. Snider.

Same crap, different day.