Whew! Breathe a sigh of relief and put your shirt back on! The summer blockbuster season is finally over, and movies are allowed to make sense again. Join us as we take a brisk, sweaty stroll down memory lane and revisit the summer’s most pungent and savory offerings.
The summer blockbuster season began sometime around last November with “Spider-Man 3,” about a sad, whiny kid with an annoying girlfriend and a lot of personal problems who occasionally fights crime, except for when he’s too busy crying and listening to Dashboard Confessional. Also, the film had some villains — 43 at last count, though scientists are still viewing the film and discovering more every day.
Speaking of effeminate heroes who wear eyeliner, Jack Sparrow was back again for “Pirates of the Caribbean: Something Something,” the third movie to be based on the Disneyland attraction. The film was so popular that lines for it extended all the way over to the Haunted Mansion. With about 75 percent of the movie being incomprehensible, it was by far the most coherent film in the series.
But Jack Sparrow wasn’t the only outlandish cartoon character in the movies this summer! No, we had Lindsay Lohan, too. She managed to make two movies between relapses: “Georgia Rule” and “I Know Who Killed Me.” One was a dark horror film full of torture and pain; the other one did not co-star Jane Fonda.
If you love animation, then summer is the time for you! Especially if you are very promiscuous about your animation love and will love just about anything. “Shrek the Third” continued to teach children the value of farting, while “Surf’s Up” answered the question, “How many @!*$# movies about penguins do we have to watch before we get sick of them?!” Turns out it was this many!
Also, “The Simpsons Movie” was released in July, to the delight of fans who were tired of watching the show for free twice a day and wished there were some way of paying for it. “Ratatouille” was widely considered the best animated film of the year, and it showcased a valuable message about how gross French people are. And while “Underdog” wasn’t a cartoon, it was just as stupid as if it had been.
Speaking of movies for children, one of the more annoying and senseless films this summer was based on a line of toy dolls. Not “Bratz,” silly! “Bratz” was aggravating and mindless. The annoying and senseless toy doll movie was “Transformers,” in which a malevolent race of robot cars sneaks into America and gets into a fight with another race of robot cars. It was hard for me to follow, because all those illegal aliens look the same to me. KA-ZOING!
There was also a movie called “Hairspray”!
Just because it was summertime, however, don’t think there weren’t any serious and thought-provoking films. The documentary “Sicko” made many people contemplate a very important issue, i.e., whether or not Michael Moore is a fat fat fatty. “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” addressed the topic of gay marriage and confused many Adam Sandler fans by coming out against gay-bashing. And “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” warned against the dangers of letting women be in charge of schools.
Of course the summer was filled with comedy, too! Laughter, mirth, and merriment spilled out of cinemas like Rosie O’Donnell’s back fat out of a taffeta bridesmaid’s dress! “Knocked Up” and “Superbad” both reminded us how funny the F word is when it’s repeated constantly, while the Larry the Cable Guy adventure “Delta Farce” served as an inspiring example of people succeeding in Hollywood despite having a chromosome deficiency.
Do you love superheroes? You do?! Sucks to be you, then! Apart from the craptacular “Spider-Man 3,” the only superhero film this summer was “Craptastic Four: Rise of the Silver Stupid Crap.” Of course, Jason Bourne is a sort of superhero, and his latest movie, “The Bourne Ultimatum,” was pretty good. It’s sure to earn a sympathy Oscar nomination for its cinematographer, who was in the last throes of Parkinson’s disease when he shot it.
But summer 2007 is over now, and everything released between now and Christmas will smell faintly of Oscar desperation. Not like “Spider-Man 3,” which smelled like Axe body spray, or “Ocean’s Thirteen,” which smelled like the carpet of a casino. Take a big whiff, and we’ll see you at the movies!