The Best of ‘Snide Remarks’: 2007

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Some call it momentous. Some call it groundbreaking. Some call it lazy. Whatever it is, it’s my favorite chunks from this year’s “Snide Remarks” columns, cobbled together into one easy-to-digest serving….

My fat brother Jeff and his wife, non-fat Beth, are teaching my 2-year-old niece sign language. I think this shows remarkable foresight on their part, because you never know when you’re going to be deaf. You think Helen Keller saw it coming? I doubt it. — “Uncle What’s-His-Name”

A world where everyone caters endlessly to the whim of 2-year-olds is a world where nothing is accomplished and where the Wiggles are the president of the United States. We can’t have that, people. We must eventually put a stop to the nonsense and get back to work. We must also see to it that the Wiggles are dealt with appropriately, not elected to the presidency but executed in the town square, their heads displayed on pikes outside the city walls as a warning to others. — “Uncle What’s-His-Name”

Not many celebrities are indigenous to Utah. The air is too thin, the liquor too inaccessible. They prefer to live in the more fertile climes of California. The few celebrities that are native to the Beehive State tend to be lesser sub-species, like Wilford Brimley. And the types rarely mix: If Wilford Brimley were to try to join a pack of Hollywood celebrities, they would tear his ample, walrusy flesh from his bones. — “The Audubon Society’s Guide to Celebrity Watching”

I don’t know if you’ve taken a gander at the ol’ U.S. map lately, but Ohio is not where you think it is. You’re thinking it’s in the Midwest somewhere, maybe next to Nebraska or something. BUT NO SIR! It is way the hell east, past the Mississippi River, into the Eastern Time Zone, nowhere NEAR the Midwest. It’s practically in Europe. Anyone who is from Ohio who claims to be from the Midwest is a liar. You should punch that person right in his corn-fed pie-hole. — “Not Very Progressive”

The car had recently had engine work done, so everything was in top shape in that regard. Its only defect was that its four tires were showing the same signs of age that humans do: they’d become bald, wobbly, and prone to expelling their air. — “Prizm Break”

The only time clowns are ever funny is when they don’t intend to be — when a car full of them overturns on the highway, for example, and 30 sad-faced harlequins come crawling out, bleeding and wounded, their red noses honking as they collapse face-down on the pavement. — “Send in the Clowns … TO HELL!”

Utah is overwhelmingly Mormon, and Mormons are overwhelmingly conservative and Republican. The Republican Party could put up a jar of angry bees as its presidential candidate and Utahns would still vote for it. If the Lord Himself came down from heaven and ran as a Democrat, He would not win in Utah. “What’s with all this ‘love thy neighbor’ business?” Utahns would say. “How are we going to win the War on Terror with that attitude?!” — “Cheney Roast”

Limbo is for people who led good lives but who died before Jesus’ time, and for infants and children who died without being baptized. It’s a nice place, full of perpetual happiness and lollipops and bunnies and so forth, but God isn’t there, so it doesn’t have quite the full awesomeness of heaven. Also, it’s near the interstate, so you get a lot of traffic noise. — “Out on a Limbo”

[Queen Elizabeth II:] It is our first visit to the colonies in 16 years, and not much seems to have changed. Still the same 13 colonies plus goodness knows how many extra, sub-colonies. (That gaudy American flag is littered with stars!) People still drive their automobiles on the right — which is to say the wrong — side of the road. The subjects continue to be v. casual and informal in their behaviour, even to the point of stubbornness. For example, the colony of Massachusetts has not paid me its Tea Tax in over 200 years! To me that sounds like good cause for a beheading. — “Windsor? I Hardly Knew Her”

We don’t really do forced sterilization in the United States anymore. It’s had a negative connotation ever since the Nazis tried it. They ruined it for everyone, just like the square mustache and the goose-step. — “Two to a Womb”

Now, I don’t know who invented the catheter, but I’m pretty sure it was someone who was completely unfamiliar with male anatomy. A nun, perhaps, or Jodie Foster. The urethra is a very narrow tube, while the catheter is a very wide tube. I saw the catheter, and I saw what the nurses planned to do with it, and I thought, “What? Are you kidding me? You think that’s going to fit? I’m flattered that you think I have such a roomy urethra, but seriously, ladies.” It was going to be like shoving a hot dog into a drinking straw. — “Urine Trouble”

Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls is a great example of how screwed-up men’s thinking can be. “How can we demonstrate to ourselves and the world that we are courageous and brave? I know! By putting ourselves in danger … and then running away from it!” Yes, there’s no better way to establish your manliness than by fleeing in terror from something. — “Inexcusabull Behavior”

Just because it was summertime, however, don’t think there weren’t any serious and thought-provoking films. The documentary “Sicko” made many people contemplate a very important issue, i.e., whether or not Michael Moore is a fat fat fatty. “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” addressed the topic of gay marriage and confused many Adam Sandler fans by coming out against gay-bashing. And “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” warned against the dangers of letting women be in charge of schools. — “Smells Like Summer”

The latest statistics indicate that if you were to take all the excess fat from every American and put it into a big, giant pot and boil it, the Americans would dip Snickers bars into it and eat them. How fat are we? In the late 1950s, it was faddish for college students to see how many people they could cram into a phone booth. The record was 25. When a group of average Americans tried to duplicate that feat last year, the most they could fit was zero, because phone booths don’t exist anymore. Some researchers believe that this is because we have eaten them. — “Ahead of the Curves”

Some conservatives were very angry when Gore got the Nobel Peace Prize. This is because some conservatives are very angry whenever anything good happens to Al Gore. If his daughter gave him a “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug for Fathers Day, Rush Limbaugh would scream about it for weeks, in between fistfuls of narcotics and pie. — “A Nobel Gesture”

The saggy pants trend began in hip-hop culture and has spread among white and Latino youth, but it’s still mostly urban black kids who embrace the style. The look is part of the “gangsta” image. Somehow, wearing your pants so you look like a confused old man on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” is meant to make you seem tougher. Maybe the idea is that you’re so tough, you don’t have to worry about running away from anything, and to prove it you incapacitate yourself by belting your trousers around your knees. — “The Saggy-Bottom Boys”

A Liberal’s Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving: Before you eat, allow everyone at the table a moment to silently pray to, or otherwise thank, God, Mother Earth, or whichever higher power they worship, if they worship one — unless it’s the Christian God, in which case they really ought to stop cramming that down everyone’s throats and try to have a little respect for other people’s beliefs. At the end of the meal, offer a toast to the blessing everyone at the table appreciates most: the fact that Canada is so close by, making their empty threats of moving there seem almost believable. — “The Perfect Thanksgiving”

Door-to-door salesmen have been a part of American life for decades. The death of a salesman was even the subject of a famous play (“The Crucible”). — “You Panhandle the Truth”

The December issue of Details magazine has a story entitled “Are you turning your kid into a douchebag?,” which is like Sports Illustrated running an article called “Are you turning your kid into a sports fan?” — “Unresolved Issues”

What can you talk about when you’re wearing $800 pants? If it were me, all I’d be able to talk about would be the fact that my pants cost $800, and how I was terrified of spilling food on them. Or farting! You can’t fart in $800 pants, especially considering that if you’re wearing $800 pants, you’re probably also wearing $75 underwear! — “Unresolved Issues”

Rather than re-record everything for the SnideCast, I used clips from the original recordings. It was probably more work that way, but now you can hear how much better the recordings have gotten over the course of the year.

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