Home Blog Page 65

Man of La Mancha

0

The SCERA Shell Outdoor Theatre’s production of “Man of La Mancha” is thought-provoking and non-traditional, a classic musical with a decidedly unusual story-telling format, full of rich characters, intelligent themes and some experimental (i.e., weird) theatrical devices.

Pretty heady stuff for a summertime show (especially, I say with no ill intent, for SCERA).

Based on the 17th-century Spanish novel by Miguel de Cervantes, the 1965 musical begins with the author himself (Art Allen) cast into prison, awaiting the Inquisition. Using his fellow inmates as actors, he tells the story of Alonso Quijana, an old man who escapes from the home and thinks he’s a knight named Don Quixote.

Quixote (still played by Allen) travels with the sensible and stooge-like Sancho Panza (Jaelan Petrie), in search of damsels in distress and other adventures. He’s an idealist — that is, he’s delusional, seeing things as he wants them to be, rather than as they are.

This particularly applies to a country-inn serving wench named Aldonza (Megan Christensen), a woman of ill repute and even iller temper whom Quixote insists on calling “Dulcinea,” treating her like a lady rather than like the stinky whore she is. It is for her that he does his deeds of chivalry, hoping to be dubbed a true knight by the “Lord of the Castle,” who’s really just the innkeeper (Erik Christensen the night of the review; now played by Michael Gray).

The story keeps coming back to the prison, where Cervantes sets up the next couple scenes and assigns actors to them. It’s an unusual play-within-a-play technique that develops resonance by the end, when we see how Don Quixote/Alonso Quijana’s adventures relate to those of every-day guy Cervantes and his fellow prisoners.

Objecting to Alonso’s doddering foolishness is his niece’s fiance, Carrasco (Matthew Herrick), who is embarrassed to be marrying into a family presided over by a man who thinks he’s a knight. His attempts to bring Alonso back to “reality” are poignant and even disturbing, for who among us ever wants to give up his dreams?

That, ultimately, is the point of the show: Never give up your dreams, no matter how unrealistic they are. (It is not for nothing that “The Impossible Dream” is one of the most stirring songs in musical theater.)

Art Allen plays Cervantes, Alonso and Don Quixote with great vigor and energy, fully committing himself to the emotions and passions of the three characters and earning every bit of praise the audience gives him. Jaelan Petrie is enjoyable as his dedicated sidekick, and Megan Christensen’s Aldonza/Dulcinea is sympathetic and real. All three — in fact, the entire cast — have fantastic singing voices, perfectly complementing the exciting Spanish-tinged musical score.

Despite its unusual format and deep messages, “Man of La Mancha” should still have mainstream appeal. If you normally prefer pure escapist entertainment, try this one and see if you don’t like it just as well.

Wonderland (2000)

0

When it uses intentionally choppy editing, hand-held cameras and grainy film stock, Michael Winterbottom’s London drama “Wonderland” has the feel of a documentary. This is fitting, as the virtually plot-free film is often as uninteresting and slow-moving as real life.

But then there are other times when Winterbottom uses different editing techniques and puts the camera on a tripod (the film remains grainy), and actually begins to make you feel something for the three sisters and their parents who are at the center of the movie.

The most engaging scenes, in fact, are ones in which dialogue is absent, replaced with gorgeous, tuneful music by Michael Nyman (“The Piano,” for which he won an Oscar). The music starts with a simple theme tapped on a piano, then begins to soar into full orchestral accompaniment, all while the characters are silently enduring some relationship ordeal or other. It’s a testament to the power of film music that a movie’s score can actually make a boring movie seem interesting.

Bill (Jack Shepherd) and Eileen (Kika Markham) are trapped in a loveless marriage. Their son, Darren (Enzo Cilenti), has left home; his three sisters remain in London and have fleeting contact with each other and their parents. There’s Debbie (Shirley Henderson), a partying, chain-smoking single mom; Nadia (Gina McKee), a waitress who cruises the personal ads desperately seeking love (and almost, heartbreakingly, finding it); and Molly (Molly Parker), extremely pregnant and in love with her husband, Eddie (John Simm), a sweet man who nonetheless has problems with responsibility.

We spend a weekend with these characters and a few others, seeing their struggles and strifes in a manner that unfolds very slowly and then reveals … nothing. Whatever “Wonderland” is trying to say, it’s not saying it clearly enough. Nonetheless, the whole is better than the sum of its parts: The outstanding music and convincing performances make me remember the film as being better than it actually was.

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

0

Comedian Larry Miller is a very funny comic actor. It’s too bad he has to get raped by a 12-foot hamster.

Such are the vicissitudes of “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps,” a movie that starts out so simple, yet becomes so convoluted; a movie that is uproariously funny one moment, but sadly pedestrian the next; a movie that has far, far too many flatulence jokes and jokes about old people having sex.

As the film begins, Prof. Sherman Klump (Eddie Murphy), the enormous protagonist of the successful 1996 film to which this is a sequel, is positively schizophrenic with this “Buddy Love” guy. Buddy is Sherman’s uninhibited Id, and Sherman finds himself saying and doing things reminiscent of Buddy’s behavior, which is ruining his relationship with fellow professor Denise (Janet Jackson).

He discovers the cause of the problem is that he has one gene that is abnormal — the Buddy Love gene. He extracts that gene from himself, freeing him of Buddy, but also causing his brain cells to stop working little by little, “Flowers for Algernon”-style. (Coincidentally, the dumber Sherman gets, the dumber the movie gets.)

As if that weren’t bad enough, the gene accidentally spills on the floor and is mixed with the dog DNA, causing Buddy Love to come to life in actual, physical form, but with many latent dog characteristics. Now Sherman and Buddy are competing against each other, as both try to sell a formula Sherman has invented that reverses the aging process.

Meanwhile (I told you it was convoluted), Sherman’s dad Cletus, lately impotent and depressed, gets a hold of the potion and finds youth. His wife, Anna, however, wants the regular Cletus back, as the movie attempts to trick us into thinking it has a point about true love or something.

(This is a movie in which a man in a space suit propels himself forward with his Herculean flatulence, and it wants us to take it seriously when it has something smart to say? Forget it.)

As in the first film, Eddie Murphy plays all the adult members of the Klump family, from over-sexed grandma to layabout brother. The special effects truly are amazing, as characters all played by Murphy interact with each other seamlessly. The makeup is flawless, too, and Murphy genuinely knows how to make these people real, from their hand gestures to their manner of speaking.

If only it were funnier! It has bursts of comedy, notably with grandma’s constant bickering with Cletus, and with Larry Miller’s sardonic college dean character. But then it dissolves into irrelevant parodies of “Star Wars,” “2001” and “Armageddon,” not to mention the abundant potty humor.

Gross-out humor can be funny, sure. But it seems oddly out of place in this movie. With such fun characters and so much potential for zippy comedy, turning to gags about a libidinous mutant hamster is a cop-out, as if the filmmakers feared that, in this day and age, you can’t have a successful comedy unless you push the envelope. The film’s moments of TRUE laughter prove otherwise.

Pukemon

0

“Pokemon: The Movie 2000” grossed $20 million in its first weekend. In a related story, I’m going to kill myself.

I’ve seen plenty of bad movies, of course, including the entire oeuvre of Freddie Prinze Jr., who is this generation’s Keanu Reeves (a comparison lost on people who think Keanu Reeves is suddenly a good actor just because he was in a good movie. Surrounding yourself with goodness does not necessarily make YOU any good, as Judas Iscariot would surely tell you). Usually, a bad movie spews forth its badness for two hours (three, if Kevin Costner is involved), I write a review, and I cast it from my mind forever, often with the aid of over-the-counter Butterfingers.

But the new “Pokemon” movie was different. This movie wanted to physically hurt me, apparently enacting some centuries-old grudge it holds against my family. For 90 minutes, it pushed me into a corner and beat me in the face with a 2-by-4. It held me upside-down and dipped my head in the toilet. Metaphorically speaking, it tied each of my limbs to a different horse and then fired a gun in the air. A thousand Freddie Prinze Jr.’s working around the clock for a thousand years could not produce a movie more loathesome than this. It’s an aggressively bad movie, a movie that won’t be satisfied until it has sprayed its foul evil on every inhabitant of the Earth, a movie conceived by Satan and produced by his Pacific Rim minions for the sole purpose of tormenting mankind with its hellish freak show of badly drawn characters and incomprehensible dialogue. I spent an evening in the emergency room after viewing it because so vile and filthy was the very thought of “Pokemon: The Movie 2000” that I jabbed a pen in my ear and tried to scrape out the part of my brain that remembered seeing it.

This is a movie that is not very good.

It is the story of some Japanese people, and how they’re not very good at animation. In fact, the Japanese word for animation, “anime,” literally means “lousy animation.” They have no word for “good animation,” or “animation in which the objects actually move,” because those concepts are unknown in Japanese culture. The movie also tells the story of some Japanese marketing guys who wanted to make some more money off a craze that died a year ago, so they said: “Don’t bother hiring artists or writers. We’ll just fling a bunch of Pokemon images at the screen, and then watch the money come rolling in. Get Satan on the line, and have him finance the project, which shouldn’t cost more than $12.”

OK, the movie is ACTUALLY the story of a boy named Ash who collects Pokemon so that he can make them fight whenever the situation calls for it, and pretty much EVERY situation calls for it. Then there’s a bad guy who wants to catch three particular Pokemon so that he can have control over the Beast of the Sea, don’t ask me why. Everyone yells a lot, and no one says anything funny, and half the time you’re wondering why they’re doing the things they’re doing, and when it’s over, you find yourself unable to speak coherently or perform simple arithmetic.

There is no art in “Pokemon.” It is an attempt to make money, pure and simple, with no regard whatsoever for talent, storytelling, entertainment value or anything else that is good, decent, wholesome or non-evil. Normally, a film with so little redeeming value would flop, unless Adam Sandler were attached to it. But not “Pokemon”! With a lot of kids still interested in the adventures of the video game-turned-TV show characters, the film will make money regardless of whether it’s any good (which, as I believe I may have inferred, it is not).

Greater philosophers than I have said that evil is most dangerous when it’s subtle. Run for president on the platform that, if elected, you will personally oversee the slaughter of every man, woman and child in America, and you probably won’t get many votes (though you’ll probably still beat the Libertarian candidate). But if you just say you want “reform” and “a rebirth for this nation,” you’ll be lopping off heads in the Oval Office before anyone even realizes what’s happening.

The arts are no different. If we allow mediocrity just because it seems harmless and our kids enjoy it, the people behind it will just crank out more, and soon our only entertainment choices will be the insidious garbage of which “Pokemon” is a perfect, horrific example.

Is this what you want? I hope not, or I weep for the health and safety of our nation’s film critics, as well as the people who have to put up with their whining.

Beauty and the Beast

0

The stage version of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast,” the touring company of which is in Salt Lake City through Aug. 20, has its flaws. But just like its central theme tells us, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Fans of the 1991 animated classic will be delighted that all of the film’s songs remain intact, with several new ones added (by the same composer, so they have the right “feel”). In addition, the film’s dialogue is preserved, except where it’s been replaced by songs that convey the same ideas, or expanded to fit the longer format.

The only significant tweaking is that instead of the Beast’s servants having been fully transformed into household objects, they have only been partially changed, and continue to become more and more like clocks, candlesticks and teapots as time goes on. (This is to accommodate the fact that human-size actors are playing the roles that, in the animated film, were diminutive, anthropomorphized objects.)

Susan Owen plays Belle, the headstrong provincial French gal, with sweetness and a strong singing voice. Grant Norman’s Beast, placed under a curse until he can love a woman and earn her love in return, is difficult to fathom at first because of all the fur and makeup, but one quickly comes to enjoy the character and feel his pain.

Chris Hoch is fantastic as the loutish Gaston. He’s determinedly two-dimensional, playing the role with such firm, dedicated self-importance, a preening, Elvis-coiffed Travolta-wannabe, that he’s the funniest thing in the show.

Some of the others don’t fare as well. Lumiere (Ron Wisniski) and Cogsworth (John Alban Coughlan), while crowd favorites, are overly buffoonish in their behavior. Not only is it more clowny than funny, but it makes it hard to sympathize when they fret about whether they’ll ever be human again, because they seem even more like cartoon characters than their animated counterparts were. Mrs. Potts (Janet MacEwen) and the dresser (Monica M. Wemitt) are much more realistic in their personalities, and the dresser, former opera star Madame de la Grande Bouche, is even a little poignant.

“Be Our Guest” stops the show, and that’s not a compliment. The cartoon version was fantastic, a fast-paced, electrifying display of clever lyrics and toe-tapping music. The stage version has been lengthened and keeps slowing down to allow for big dance numbers. The result is that it’s not nearly as satisfying as the original — a case where bigger is not better.

Belle and the Beast’s night of dinner and dancing, during which Mrs. Potts sings the title song, is much more restrained and therefore much more effective.

There are also some dazzling special effects, from the Beast’s final transformation to the “how do they DO that?” maneuver of having a disembodied boy’s head play the young teacup Chip (Jonathan Press), his body magically hidden through stage trickery.

And it’s hard to criticize a show that has so much humanity and emotion at its heart, often bringing an audience to tears. It clunks here and there, but the non-sappy, stirringly real happy ending covers any tracks it may have left behind.

It would be hard to beat the animated film, which truly is a masterpiece of storytelling, song and beautiful ideas. But the stage version very nearly fills those big shoes by utilizing the same dramatic pacing and earnest love of humanity.

Thomas and the Magic Railroad

0

It’s a shame that the sweet, simple children’s show “Thomas the Tank Engine” (based on the sweet, simple series of books) got turned into such a complicated, slow-paced movie.

Thomas himself makes what amounts to a cameo appearance in his own movie, with the focus instead being on the Conductor and his attempts to regain the gold dust needed for him to work his voodoo and keep the magic railroads going, and on an old Grandpa who takes care of a non-functional steam engine.

As if that weren’t enough plot for your 4-year-old to keep track of, there’s ALSO one about a mean diesel engine who wants to do away with all steam engines (including Thomas, which is the only reason Thomas even appears in this movie).

How do these plots all come together? Well, they don’t, which is why the film just sort of meanders in a slow, tiresome way, never amounting to much excitement or climax. With children’s programming, there’s a fine line between “gentle” (like the soft-spoken but interesting Mr. Rogers) and “lethargic” (like this movie).

Ringo Starr, who originally played the tiny-sized Conductor, has been replaced by Alec Baldwin (a move I hear the Beatles considered making, too). Baldwin is certainly congenial enough, but there’s that low-energy delivery that drags things down.

And speaking of low-energy, we have Peter Fonda as the sulky Grandpa Burnett Stone. He used to be a train man, but he has lived the past 30 years regretting that he let “Lady” (his steam engine) fall into disrepair. A depressed old hermit living in a cave with a broken-down locomotive does not spell “fun children’s movie” in my book. (“All mountains have their secrets,” he intones with reasoning just as specious as Mr. Conductor’s statement that “every story, like a railroad, has its heroes.”)

“Thomas and the Magic Railroad” is undeniably charming, if not particularly clever or creative. It has an innocence about it that makes it hard to dislike, and at least it’s quiet enough not to annoy any grownups who have to watch it with their kids.

Young children, particularly those who are fans of the TV show, will probably be entertained by it, and unlike the cynical money-machine that is “Pokemon,” “Thomas and the Magic Railroad” seems to have the children’s best interest in mind. Even if it stumbles a bit — or a lot — at least its heart is in the right place.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye (documentary)

0

Not that anyone asked, but “The Eyes of Tammy Faye” answers the question, “What ever happened to Tammy Faye Bakker?” in a style that makes for as entertaining and interesting a documentary as you’ll see anytime soon.

The purpose of “Eyes” is to tell Tammy’s story, from her point of view. Though the woman was a living Johnny Carson joke for quite a while in the late 1980s, let’s face it, we never had anything against her. It was her husband, Jim, who may have done wrong, and it was definitely Jerry Falwell who screwed them both over, weaselling control of the PTL Network away from them while pretending to be their friends. Tammy was just the one with too much makeup, crying at the slightest provocation. We may have laughed at her, but we didn’t dislike her.

“Eyes” makes her even more sympathetic, showing us that gee, she really DID get the raw end of the deal here. Her detractors’ points of view are not given much time, making this a bit of a propaganda film — but it’s slick, fascinating propaganda, to be sure.

And the film doesn’t take itself, or its subject, too seriously. For one thing, famous transsexual RuPaul is the narrator. Then there are the dog puppets who introduce new chapters in the film like the mice in the “Babe” movies did. Heck, the film starts with Tammy saying the eyes are the window to the soul, so when a loved one dies, she tries to keep their eyeglasses as momentos.

She even seems to admit her own pop-cultural punch line, self-parody status when she says, “Without my eyelashes, I wouldn’t be Tammy Faye.” Indeed: She IS what we remember her as being, and it doesn’t go a whole lot deeper than that.

But with great tongue-in-cheek style, her story is told, from her childhood up through the present, with her second husband, Ro Messner, barely being released from prison. Documentaries this light-hearted and shamefully entertaining don’t come along very often, so don’t miss this one.

What Lies Beneath

0

Robert Zemeckis has been producer for several horror movies, none of them particularly great examples of the genre (“House on Haunted Hill,” “Bordello of Blood,” etc.), but at least passable diversions, suggesting that to whatever extent he’s been involved in the films as a producer, he has some idea what works and what doesn’t.

When it comes to directing, though, he’s stuck to more soft-hearted fare: “Forrest Gump” and the “Back to the Future” trilogy, for example.

So now that he’s actually directing a thriller himself — “What Lies Beneath,” starring Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer — we discover something that is true of a lot of areas of life: Just because you can supervise a project doesn’t mean you’d be good at doing the work yourself.

Ford is Norman Spencer, a medical scientist who lives with his wife, Claire (Pfeiffer), a former Juilliard-trained cellist, in Vermont. When their daughter goes off to college, Claire starts to experience “empty nest” symptoms: i.e., she hears voices and, eventually, sees images of a young woman’s ghost.

At first she thinks it’s the woman who lives next door, whom she suspects was killed by her husband. (There’s the first of several Hitchcock homages — or are they rip-offs? — with the “Rear Window” connections.) When the woman turns up alive, Claire has to figure out who the ghost is, then.

The film’s first half builds up some real suspense — almost unbearable, at times, as creepy things start happening and we just KNOW there’s going to be a ghost popping up any moment. It also blends in some nice gallows humor when Claire and her friend Jody (Diana Scarwid) hold a Ouija Board-assisted seance to summon the ghost, not to mention Claire obsessing over the not-dead neighbor wife. Claire’s visits to a psychiatrist are wryly humorous, too, proving Pfeiffer to be a worthy actress for an intelligent thriller.

Unfortunately, the film’s second half regresses into a standard woman-in-peril movie, and Pfeiffer, good as she is, has no choice but to run around, scream, tiptoe past supposedly (but of course not quite) dead people, and everything else you’ve seen a thousand times before. Truly a waste of good talent.

And speaking of wastes, let’s talk about Harrison Ford. The film wins points for casting him against type — an adulterer who may have dark secrets — and to be honest, I take perverse delight in seeing such a quintissential Good Guy playing a more-or-less bad guy. The problem is, he’s only given a few scenes in which to show that side of himself, and it doesn’t come across very well — probably because it’s only a few scenes. We need time to work up to the idea of a bad Harrison Ford, and by the time we’ve settled into it, the movie’s over.

Zemeckis has been around horror movies enough to know what makes them scary. But it would seem he’s only learned the little tricks, without learning the substance behind them — like a magician who, sure enough, can make the right card turn up at the top of the deck, but doesn’t know about the showmanship that has to surround such a trick to make it entertaining.

Here’s a standard scary-movie device you’ve certainly seen before: The camera is on a character, who turns to look at something somewhere else. The camera follows her as she moves. When she and the camera move back again, something has changed — a person has appeared in the doorway, or whatever. And we jump, because we, like the character, remembered the room looking a certain way, and when we come back to it, we expect nothing to be different. It’s an effective jump-inducer, used once or twice in a movie.

“What Lies Beneath” uses this technique at least a dozen times. By the end, it literally becomes ridiculous. When you show us a woman walking down the stairs BACKWARDS, the camera trained on her feet, we KNOW a hand is going to reach up suddenly and grab her ankle. We also know it’s going to happen really fast, and be accompanied by a loud shriek of music, practically forcing us to scream. It’s a cheap trick, and it’s way too overused in this movie. Didn’t Zemeckis learn anything else?

Yes, he did. He watched “Psycho” a few times. The connections are too many to be coincidental: a main character named Norman, an overhead shot of Norman carrying someone up the stairs, mirrors in almost every scene, a woman stumbling out of a tub and pulling the shower curtain down with her — what’s the deal here? The film bears no resemblance, in plot or theme (or quality, to be catty), to “Psycho,” so why borrow from it? Especially when what he DIDN’T borrow is “Psycho’s” great tension and delicious eeriness.

I like the idea of Ford and Pfeiffer playing a married couple, and they do it very well for a while, before things turn crazy. Then Pfeiffer turns into a “Scream” victim, and Ford is just a big stupid lump.

“What Lies Beneath” has some fine moments. A scene in which Claire is temporarily possessed by the spirit of the dead woman is hysterically weird, and there really are some scenes of true, honest, palpable tension. But they are simply outnumbered by the manipulative “jump” moments that reveal the filmmaker’s unwillingness to try anything new.

You’ll jump during the movie. If you’re a woman, you’ll scream. (This has been field-tested: I watched the audience I was with at the screening.) For cheap thrills with absolutely no substance, it’s a fine film. But fans of terror and suspense have seen it all before, and better.

Pokemon: The Movie 2000

0

Just like its predecessor, “Pokemon: The Movie 2000” is a shameless attempt to cash in on the Pokemon craze, which pretty much died down a long time ago. Also just like its predecessor, it’s dull, sloppy, poorly dubbed and incomprehensible, and appears to have been animated by, well, no one. I’m guessing the animation department took the week off, leaving us with this characteristically crappy Japanese “style” of animation in which nothing moves, which really stretches the definition of “animation” for me, but I won’t belabor that point.

Of course, it wasn’t meant to entertain me, or anyone else above the age of 8. And most of the kids — the boys, anyway — who were in the audience with me seemed to be mostly entertained by it, though they didn’t seem to exactly LOVE it. And let’s face it, anything with bright, colorful objects that sort of move around is liable to entertain a 5-year-old.

The movie begins with a 23-minute short entitled “Pikachu’s Rescue Adventure.” Surely you remember Pikachu. He’s the adorable little gopher-shaped Pokemon of dubious gender origins whose powers include the ability to annoy people. The only word he can say is his own name, though he uses it in such a way as to indicate that to HIM, it means whatever he wants it to mean.

In “Pikachu’s Rescue Adventure,” Pikachu and his pals have an adventure rescuing someone, though I am not entirely clear who it was they rescued, or what danger they rescued them from. All I know is, since there are no humans in the story, there’s no real dialogue either, and we’ve already mentioned that wordless animation is not the strong suit of the Pokemon films. I suspect the reason I did not enjoy this short was that I did not smoke enough crack beforehand.

Then we move on to the main feature. This one has people, so there is talking, though you’ll soon wish they’d shut up. Basically, there’s a bad guy whose name we are never told (Rule #1 of movie-making: If you’re going to have a bad guy, tell us his name), who smiles a lot and actually seems rather friendly, a lot like Frasier Crane. Anyway, he wants to capture three mythical birds that represent fire, lightning and ice, because somehow having all three will enable him to also control the Beast of the Sea, whose name is Lugia, often pronounced “Nubia,” “Lukia” or “Nokia,” depending on who’s talking. Why he wants to control the Beast of the Sea is anybody’s guess.

I gave it another chance:

11/2/2011: Re-Views: ‘Pokemon The Movie 2000’ (2002)

No-Name captures Moltres, the bird of fire, pretty easily, and Zapdos, the bird of lightning, proves no more difficult. In capturing Zapdos, though, he also accidentally sucks Pokemon trainer Ash and his friends, along with several Pokemon, onto his hovering spaceship. The Pokemon go about setting the two magic birds free, whereupon the two birds inexplicably start trying to kill each other and their rescuers.

At some point, Ash discovers that each bird has a magic ball that represents it, and that if you put all three balls in a special place facing each bird’s home island, something good will happen, I forget what. He gets Moltres and Zapdos’s balls, and then figures out he’s the fulfillment of ancient prophecy and has to go to the island of the ice bird, whose name is Articuno, and get his sphere, too.

No-Name disappears for a while, but comes back at the end to cause trouble in his genial, laid-back sort of way. All the while, the three magic birds are fighting each other, and the gentle Beast of the Sea, who speaks without moving his mouth and sounds the way Jesus always sounds in movies, helps Ash and his friends along.

Oh, and there are some other kids who like to steal and try to thwart Ash’s plans but wind up turning good and being heroes, but I’m not going to mention them, because they’re stupid.

This is not a movie “for the whole family.” It’s for little kids. Parents should avoid it, opting instead to stay in the car and stick their heads in the glove compartment for 90 minutes, as that will surely be a more tolerable experience for them than sitting through the movie. In fact, find something better to take your kids to, something you can enjoy with them. Or stay home and rent something. Read a “Harry Potter” book. Do anything. But for the love of all that is holy, don’t see “Pokemon.” We don’t need to encourage this kind of cynical, soulless, assembly-line crap factory.

Loser

0

Allow me to be one of dozens of critics to say that “Loser” is both a title AND a review for this film. (There. Aren’t I clever?)

The title character — and the most likable person in the movie — is Paul Tannek (Jason Biggs), a Midwesterner who gets a scholarship to an unnamed New York City university. We are shown in quick montage that he doesn’t fit in, mainly because he studies a lot and is slightly clumsy.

His three roommates, Chris (Thomas Sadoski), Noah (Jimmi Simpson) and Adam (Zak Orth), who in truth are the real losers, slipping drugs in girls’ drinks at parties so they’ll be more susceptible to their sexual advances, are the ones most critical of Paul. To that end, they get him kicked out of the dorm, and he winds up living in a veterinarian’s office.

Meanwhile, we meet Paul’s classmate, the slightly Goth-chick Dora Diamond (Mina Suvari), who likes Paul somewhat but is having a secret (not to mention oily, creepy and unsettling) affair with their teacher, Professor Alcott (a smarmy Greg Kinnear). Paul and Dora wind up spending a few days together, though, when she almost OD’s on the libido trio’s secret drugs and has to crash at Paul’s vet pad for a few days to recover.

In theory, this is a romantic comedy. It succeeds mildly on the “romantic” part, as Suvari and Biggs have some degree of chemistry together. But their story is so bland, and the circumstances of their coming together so contrived and lame, that it fails to elicit any emotion in the viewer whatsoever.

And the “comedy” part — forget it, buster. Who would have thought David Spade would be the funniest part of a movie, but sure enough, he is, in his one-minute cameo as a video store clerk. That was the only time I laughed throughout the entire film. And lest you think I’m just a jaded film critic, you should have heard the rest of the audience, too. It was like watching a sitcom with the laugh track removed. The actors seemed to be expecting laughter, but the laughter was not forthcoming.

Jason Biggs is the movie’s only redeeming quality. The young man is a talented actor, with an unassuming charm, affable demeanor, and great skill in performing comedy. Even he doesn’t seem to realize how stupefyingly terrible this movie is, as it he gives it his all, without ever over-playing the situation. Despite the presence of many talented actors (except for Greg Kinnear), it is Biggs alone who prevents you from fully despising the movie. Gosh darn it, he’s just so nice, and his character so likable, that you really, really want to like “Loser.” But you can’t. Trust me, you can’t.

Born on the 24th of July

0

Let me start by saying that I have the utmost respect for the Mormon Pioneers who trudged across the plains and established something that very closely resembles a civilization, here in the uninhabitable wasteland full of sagebrush and Idahoans. I certainly could not have done it. I can barely go two days without my cell phone, let alone without food. I dislike walking to the point that I scoot around the office on my rolling chair, and even then I’ll get someone to push me if I can. And if I were the guy who had to count the wagon wheel revolutions to determine how far we’d traveled, I would go insane. (“Well, we’re not there yet,” I would say, “so we must have traveled approximately NOT FAR ENOUGH!”)

No sir, I would not have lasted two days on the trek before I would have turned back and become a Reorganized Mormon (their rules are a lot easier, anyway). I am grateful to have been born in a day when the West is already established, when Mormons are as welcome in Illinois as they are anywhere, and when you can go your whole life without even knowing what all those square-shaped states between Illinois and Utah ARE, let alone walking through them.

My beef is not with the pioneers, who would have been too easy a target anyway, considering most of them are dead now. My beef is with Pioneer Day festivities — fireworks, parades, flag-waving — all of which were ripped off from the Fourth of July, just because they’re close to each other on the calendar. If the pioneers had gotten here in December, we’d celebrate it by giving gifts and decorating trees. If they’d arrived in October, we’d all dress up like pioneers and go door-to-door asking for rations of flour. Frankly, when it comes to thinking up original holiday-celebrating ideas, we suck.

And then, when we let our stolen activities overshadow the holiday we stole them from, well, that takes some nerve. And that’s what happens here. In the midst of all the religious fervor and outdoor festivities, we have made Pioneer Day more important than Independence Day. Sure, we do all the Fourth of July stuff on July 4 (or July 3, if July 4 irreligiously falls on a Sunday). But in the backs of our minds, we’re really just looking forward to the BIG holiday, three weeks later.

This is wrong. Is it presumptuous to say that the founding of this nation is more significant than when the Mormons arrived in Salt Lake? I’ve arrived in Salt Lake a number of times myself, and while it was a fairly big deal, what with the comically unfinished freeway making it virtually impossible to get there, it was not more important than starting a whole country, which I have not done even once.

I wish the pioneers had gotten here 20 days sooner, so that Independence Day and Pioneer Day could be combined into one Day, and we wouldn’t have to spend the whole month going to parades and watching fireworks. It would also mean one less day in the year that someone tries to get me to stand outside in 90-degree weather and eat 90-degree potato salad.

My final beef (this is a three-beef column) is with pioneer re-enactments, which were all the rage during the Sesquicentennial three years ago. To these I say: What’s up with THAT? I suspect the pioneers would not re-enact their trek. I suspect they think we’re a little bit stupid, re-doing something they did, when they whole reason they did it, in the grand scheme of things, was so that we wouldn’t have to. Doesn’t doing it ourselves diminish their accomplishments, as if to say, “See, I could have done this. I don’t know what those pioneers were complaining about in all those chicken-scratch journals they wrote in.” And it’s even worse when we only do it half-heartedly, walking for a while during the day, but sleeping in RVs at night and not having to even worry about the whole “shallow grave in the frozen earth” thing. What are we saying? “Hey, pioneers, we want to remember you by enduring some of the hardships you had. Only ‘cept we don’t actually want to ENDURE them; we just want to drive along paved roads in our air-conditioned minivans and look at the places where YOU endured them. Then we’ll have a picnic. Hurrah!”

Let’s remember the pioneers, sure. But let’s not let their accomplishments overshadow other, more far-reaching achievements. And for heaven’s sake, let’s not make a mockery of them by sort-of pretending we can do what they did. And for CRYING out loud, let’s lay off on the fireworks, OK? Some of us are trying to sleep.

Next week: Excerpts from the angry letters I’m going to get from people who mistakenly thought I was making fun of the pioneers, even though I made it clear I was not.

Star-Spangled Girl

0

“The Star-Spangled Girl” is such a slight, innocuous little comedy that I wouldn’t be surprised if Neil Simon has forgotten he wrote it.

(Actually, I know he remembers it, because he was quoted in 1977 as saying, “‘Star-Spangled Girl’ is clearly and simply a failure, as far as I’m concerned.”)

The 1967 play, now at the Little London Dinner Theater, is not without its charms, and in fact has quite a few funny moments. It tells the story of Andrew (Elijah Cardon) and Norman (Shayne Hudson), two “radicals” who publish their own liberal magazine in San Francisco.

They are radicals in the sense that the play tells us they’re radicals. They look and dress like BYU students, and their gripes with America are not particularly spelled out.

Anyway, they live and work in a dumpy apartment, where their new neighbor is a Southern girl named Sophie (Eliza Wren Payne), an all-American bubble-pot with whom Norman immediately becomes smitten. His smittenness soon takes on the form of sweet-natured stalking, as she has no interest in him — and in fact, she finds herself falling for Andrew instead, despite their idealogical differences.

Shayne Hudson is eminently enjoyable as Norman, a flamboyant, enunciative, highly physical character who, when asked where he’s been all day, answers, “In love.” (Later, when Sophie threatens to have him arrested for bothering her, he says, “I’ll have YOU arrested for having creamy, smooth skin.”) Hudson takes a character who could easily be a creepy stalker and makes him sweet and funny.

Eliza Wren Payne’s Sophie is also well-done, a commanding presence in any scene she’s in. Only Elijah Cardon is flat as Andrew, speaking his lines accurately, but without much sense of comedy or timing.

The show is worth seeing, a harmless little trifle with some good laughs sprinkled throughout it.

The Man with the Pointed Toes

0

Hale Center Theater’s latest crowd-pleaser is a rootin’-tootin’ comedy that delivers on its promise to both root and toot as it tells the story of a dunder-headed cowboy who becomes rich and don’t know what to do with hisself.

Tom Coterel (Mitch Hall) won a ranch in a poker game, and subsequently struck oil on it. Now he’s a millionaire and is pursued by Pamela Wright (MinD Jensen), a golddigger who is coquettish to the point of trashiness. She’s transparently evil and only after Tom’s money; Tom, however, is stupid enough to fall in love with her.

She goes back to New York for the summer, leaving Tom a few months to improve himself enough to impress her. (“I sure am dumb,” Tom says, rightly.) So in the tradition of “My Fair Lady” (which the Hale Center is doing next month), Tom hires a librarianish tutor named Florence (Marydee Potter) to teach him to be more cultured, to say “get” instead of “git,” and to stop slurping his soup.

Florence, however, falls in love with Tom. Since we know Pamela is dishonest, and we soon see how much Tom respects Florence, we can guess what will happen, and we’ll pretty much be right.

Tom’s ranch hands, Hank (Dave Hanson) and Lem (Larson Holyoak) lend humor to the two-fisted drinking lifestyle Tom leads and is trying to clean up, and his foreman, Link (Jim Burch), is a key player in Tom’s plan. All of these roles are played with sincerity and humor.

Also earning quite a few laughs is Josey Suarez as Jose, the ranch’s Mexican cook. His rapid-fire Spanish is cute, but his matador-style setting of the table is hysterical. It’s an interlude that’s completely unnecessary (except that it allows the other actors to change costumes for the next scene), but it truly is an inspired bit of physical comedy.

Mitch Hall is likable as the bedimpled cowboy who one assumes is the title character (though the shape of his toes never really becomes an issue). Marydee Potter seems so intent on making Florence prim and proper that she comes across as a bit bland, until a third-act scene where she gets wasted with Link and finally cuts loose.

This is a sweet, appealing show with relatively short scenes that keep the action moving, and some genuinely funny bursts of comedy. It’s not liable to make you think very hard, but it can certainly amuse you for a couple hours.

Prelude of Love

0

Hale Centre Theatre’s “Prelude of Love” is an uncomfortable combination of two shows: a beautiful piano concert, and a fairly average romance.

Set in Wyoming in 1908, the heroine is headstrong young Lillian Clement (Melanie Richardson), a classically trained pianist who feels unappreciated in her hick hometown, where the folks prefer Stephen Foster to Chopin (though they still ask her to play, for free, almost every night).

Lillian is obsessed with the piano, to the exclusion of more traditional things like getting married, which by all accounts she should be doing with Roy Callen (Quinn A. Dietlein). When a bigshot named Paul Walkerman (Brandon S. Jones) comes along and gives her a chance to go to New York and play at Carnegie Hall, she takes it — even though it means leaving Roy behind.

Will he wait for her? Will she have to choose between her music and her love? Unlike most Ruth Hale-written plays, which are supposed to be funny but aren’t, this one isn’t even supposed to be — and it works pretty well, with richer characters and better dialogue than usual (though one character does quote a newspaper article as saying “the audience was surprisingly startled,” which I hope no real newspaper would ever say). The dilemmas Lillian faces are real, and there are no black-and-white answers to them. Her final decision will please some viewers and annoy others, but at least it provokes thought of some kind.

The problem is that this is really a 45-minute story — despite its mostly good dialogue, there’s nothing particularly compelling about it — stretched out to 2 hours with a lot of piano playing. The show seems to have been written mostly as an excuse for the lead character to tickle the ivories every chance she gets: she’s playing for Roy to sing, or re-creating her night at Carnegie Hall, or improvising on a four-note melody that Paul came up with. Either the piano-playing is getting in the way of the story, or the story is getting in the way of the piano-playing. Whatever the case, just as you’re starting to get interested in one, the other one interrupts.

As a play, it’s so-so. As a piano concert, it’s fantastic. As both, it’s frustrating.

Ruth Hale herself plays the grandma in the show, a tart-tongued old gal who pronounces “Bach” as “Batch” and who dispenses spicy grandmotherly advise at every turn. Audiences adore Ruth Hale, and there’s plenty of her in this show.

The In Crowd

0

The first rule of fairness in film criticism is that you have to judge a movie on its own terms. You can’t say “Schindler’s List” was a bad movie because it wasn’t funny, or that “Tommy Boy” was a bad movie because it wasn’t suspenseful, because those films weren’t TRYING to be those things. You determine what a movie is trying to accomplish, and then you determine whether it succeeded or not.

The problem with this system is when you come to movies like “The In Crowd,” a teen thriller directed by TV-movie director Mary Lambert and starring no one. The film wants to be suspenseful, unpredictable and exciting, but it fails at all of that, coming across instead as lame, cliched, and ridiculous, with ill-defined characters, incredible plot conveniences and general eye-rolling badness. It wants to be taken seriously, but it doesn’t stand a chance.

It succeeds, however, in being marvelously entertaining, deliciously bad, in a thoroughly enjoyable way. Honestly, I haven’t enjoyed a terrible movie this much in ages. It’s fast-paced and breezy and so delightfully stupid that I was never bored with it for a minute.

So does it deserve a good grade or a bad grade? Technically, it should get a bad one, because it fails at what it set out to accomplish. But if you judge it on terms it did NOT set up for itself, as a campy, “guilty-pleasure” film, you gotta admit, it scores high.

The plot: The pert, Barbie-shaped Adrien Williams (Lori Heuring) is let out of the booby hatch after serving some time for being a bit on the obsessive side. Her doctor, Henry Thompson (Daniel Hugh Kelly), gets her a summer job at snooty Cliffmont Country Club, where the queen of the “in crowd,” Brittany Foster (Susan Ward), uses duplicity and deceit to make her part of the group.

Why would Brittany do this? Well, it seems Adrien looks JUST LIKE Brittany’s sister Sandra, who took off a couple years ago and has never come back. Could it be that Brittany, who is a bit more fond of the ladies than I like to see a woman being, and who’s a little obsessive herself, is trying to create a replacement sister? Sure seems that way. Oh, she’s evil, too, but I won’t tell you how.

The title group is meant to be one of those caches of gorgeous people, and they are attractive, but they’re the basic-cable, low-budget kind of attractive — the kind who aren’t quite tan, not completely toned, and who have moles on their cleavage. Not a one of them is very good at acting, either, though none is particularly bad. Lori Heuring, as Adrien, is perhaps even rather good, with a non-skanky Madonna quality about her.

Give them all credit for this: They keep straight faces, even when they’re betting one another for a night with the other’s girlfriend, or staging an elaborate “Scooby-Doo”-style hoax to trap the evil Brittany.

The more I think about it, the more I liked this movie. It’s a terrible piece of work, but man is it ever fun.

Chuck & Buck

0

“Chuck & Buck” is a sweet-natured, touching film that is often hilarious as it explores what happens when one half of a childhood friendship grows up while the other half doesn’t.

Chuck (Chris Weitz) and Buck (Mike White)were best friends as kids. Chuck moved away, though, and went on to become a successful businessman, complete with gorgeous fiancee and nice house. He and Buck are reunited at Buck’s mother’s funeral, where Chuck realizes Buck is still living in the past.

Buck listens to a record player. He drives an old car. He has a vintage answering machine. He walks and talks like a teen-ager (a credit to White’s acting prowess).

Furthermore, he wants his friendship with Chuck to go back to the way it was. Over time, we come to realize that the two experimented with homosexuality. For Chuck, it was just an innocent thing kids try; for Buck, it seems to have stuck, and he can’t get over his attachment to Chuck, having literally nothing else in his life.

Soon he’s in L.A., living in a hotel and hanging around Chuck’s office building, making a nuisance of himself. His obsession is funny, heartbreaking and uncomfortable, all at once, though it starts to drag after a while as the film spends too much time establishing this fixation.

In a desperate attempt to get Chuck to leave his fiancee and go back to being best friends with him, Buck writes and stages a play in a local theater — “a homoerotic, misogynistic love story,” as someone calls it. Borrowing from Hamlet’s scheme to show his uncle a play that will hit too close to home, Buck presents “Hank and Frank,” in which childhood friends are torn apart by a witch who casts a spell on Hank, causing him to fall in love with her.

There are only three ways a film like this can end. A character as desperate and lonely as Buck can either get over his fixation, convince his friend to re-join him, or kill himself. I won’t say what happens here, but the movie is marvelously sastisfying, even gently uplifting, as we see Buck’s state of mind eventually reach a stopping point.

Not for everyone, to be sure. The homosexuality is mostly subtle, except for one scene; aside from that, it’s a universal story about unequal relationships and unrequited love.

X-Men

0

The slickly entertaining “X-Men” suffers only slightly from “Phantom Menace” syndrome: It’s a pretty entertaining film on its own, but you can tell its sequel will be even better.

Faithfully, even lovingly, re-creating the comic book, director Bryan Singer (“The Usual Suspects”) deftly gives us the origins of the X-Men while simultaneously presenting a current conflict — as opposed to, say, “Superman,” where the first third of the movie is spent setting up who he is, and THEN he gets to fight some bad guys.

“X-Men” begins with Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) telling us via narration that while human evolution normally takes thousands of years, every now and then, it jumps forward, resulting in what we call “mutants.”

Mutants are really just highly evolved people and nothing to be afraid of, but the word “mutant” has some negative connotations. As a result, Sen. Robert Kelly (Bruce Davison) is introducing legislation that would require mutants to register themselves. His reasoning, which is very popular amongst voters, is that people should have a choice whether their children are taught by mutant schoolteachers (I think I was, actually). That, along with the counter-argument that when people identify themselves as mutants, they are often greeted with “fear, hostility and even violence,” gives the film its thinly veiled parallels to current issues of homosexuality.

The mutants themselves have a few different reactions. The ones who live among us and keep quiet about it are, well, keeping quiet about it, silently hoping the legislation doesn’t pass. Professor Xavier, who runs a private school for “gifted” (that is, mutant) youngsters, has a team of so-called X-Men who are good guys and want the legislation to be defeated through peaceful, legal means (though, as Prof. X reminds us, any army hoping to come invade his school is to be pitied, for those mutants’ powers are mighty).

Then there’s the renegade group of mutants led by Magneto (Ian McKellen). There’s a huge summit of world leaders coming up, and Magneto plans to turn them all into mutants — not a natural process, but one that will no doubt change their attitudes about mutants, since they will now be part of that group.

And so it falls upon the X-Men to stop Magneto and his crew, especially since Magneto’s plan involves young Rogue (Anna Paquin), one of Prof. X’s newest pupils, and her friend/protector, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman).

There is plenty of action as the two groups fight each other, and though their powers are occasionally ridiculous (the evil Toad, for example, is a man with all the power of, um, a toad), the film retains credibility admirably well, especially considering how cynical we tend to be about “super powers” these days.

Wolverine’s “claws” (steel blades that pop out of his knuckles), Storm’s (Halle Berry) weather-creating prowess, Cyclops’s (James Marsden) laser-shooting eyes — all are used to great tension-filled effect, making for an exciting film with marvelous character possibilities.

(The only major character misstep is with Cyclops and Wolverine’s rivalry, which may well be part of the comic book mythology, but which here seems forced and obligatory.)

It ends rather anti-climactically, obviously setting itself up for a sequel. Some plot points and characters are brought up and not finished — not sloppiness, for the script is pretty tight and well-executed, but simply preparation for the sequel, which is already a done deal, unless this one tanks.

Which it won’t. This is a good old-fashioned superhero action movie, unabashedly about people with absurd powers, whom we take seriously just because … well, because they’re cool. Just like the movie.

The Five Senses

0

Jeremy Podeswa’s “The Five Senses,” which he wrote and directed, makes use of the gimmick implied by the title — how are each of the five important to us? — in a way that is subtle and non-gimmicky. It’s a wistful, honest film with characters who are connected primarily in a way they don’t realize: They are each failing at one or more of their five senses.

The central action is driven by the loss of a young girl who wanders off while being babysat in a park. Her guardian is Rachel (Nadia Litz), a dour teen who has to watch the child while her mother, Ruth (Gabrielle Rose), is given a therapeutic massage to the little girl’s mother, Anna (Molly Parker). Rachel is distracted from her duty when she sees an amorous couple go off into the woods to have sex. In the process, she not only loses the little girl, but also meets a boy her own age named Rupert (Brendan Fletcher) who’s as voyeuristic as she, sadly masking his own lack of real emotional contact.

Sharing an office building with Ruth is Richard (Philippe Volter), a doctor whose hearing is going fast. His poignant story, mostly separate from the others, is that he has compiled a list of sounds he wants to hear before it’s too late.

The lighter, though still heartfelt stories belong to Rona (Mary-Louise Parker) and her gay friend Robert (Daniel MacIvor). Rona makes beautiful cakes that taste lousy, which is secondary to her current dilemma of having begun a purely physical relationship with an Italian fellow she met while on vacation.

Robert’s trick, meanwhile, is a keen sense of smell. Becoming ever more desperate for love, he summons up a parade of former lovers to see if any of them still hold feelings for him; he says he can smell true love and will know it when he finds it.

Nearly everyone has an air of sadness about him or her, complemented by the film’s austere tone. Podeswa remains patient and calm as a director, nudging the action along gently without being flashy. He clearly has faith in his abilities as a storyteller and allows everything to speak for itself. This means things are, at times, rather slow. But I’d prefer to see things get a little bogged down than to be beaten in the head with unnecessary violence or sex.

The acting is as good as you’ll find, made more impressive by the sheer size of the ensemble and relative obscurity of the writer/director outside his native Canada. Mary-Louise Parker, who followed this role with a well-deserved Tony Award for her work in “Proof,” is marvelously full of personality and vim. Daniel MacIvor is nearly equally saucy as her friend Robert, and the rest of the cast fills out nicely — from Philippe Volter’s tragic doctor to Molly Parker’s slow disassembling at the loss of her young daughter to Gabrielle Rose’s masseuse who can feel emotion only through touch.

English Is Talked Here

0

I don’t generally follow politics, mainly because I like to reinforce the idea that I’m an uninformed idiot. But I spend enough time napping at my desk in the Daily Herald newsroom to at least catch the gist of what’s going on, and this “English-only” thing is bothering me.

The proposed English-only initiative would make English the only language in which state business could be conducted, or in which official forms could be printed. Currently, the state spends as much as $7,000 a year in making things accessible in other languages, and that is clearly $7,000 too much, particularly when the entire budget for the entire state is only $7 billion, most of which is spent reimbursing motorists whose windshields have been chipped while driving on the comically unsafe I-15 freeway.

The initiative was introduced by Tammy Rowan, a Utahn surpassed in her conservatism only by Gayle Ruzicka, head of the Utah Eagle Forum (motto: “Our eagles only have right wings”). Together, Rowan and Ruzicka are so reactionary, they make John Rocker look like the chairman of National Brotherhood Week.

(Speaking of right-wing, did you see the letter to the editor in Monday’s paper comparing members of the National Rifle Association to the Jews who lived in Nazi Germany, because both groups are persecuted and have everything blamed on them? Is that the stupidest thing you’ve ever read? Of course it isn’t, because you also read the letter printed the next day, in which a reader angrily criticized the Daily Herald for announcing the title — that’s right, just the TITLE — of the new Harry Potter book before it went on sale, thus totally ruining it for her. I will have to check the postmarks on the envelopes, but I am fairly certain neither of these letter-writers is currently living on planet Earth.)

Anyway, some have said the English-only movement is “racist.” I don’t think I’d call it racist, since “people who speak a language other than English” isn’t what I’d call a “race.” But the initiative does seem like a bad idea to me for this reason: Whose version of English are we going to enforce? The Utah version? Ye gods, I hope not.

If it passes, will I have to start talking like the salesgirl at the Gap who told me, when I asked about discounted trousers, “Oh, we have lots of pants on sell, right over there on the sell wall”? Will I have to start pronouncing “whale” and “well” as homonyms? Will I have to say “mao-in” instead of “mountain,” or “tore” instead of “tour,” or “prolly” instead of “probably”?

Law or no law, under no circumstances will I ever say “Oh my heck” unless I am allowed to say real obscenities with it.

English-only? Shouldn’t we master the language ourselves before we start insisting that resident foreigners speak it, too?

The other proposed legislation that is bugging me is the one in which some people want to make Jell-O the official state food of Utah. As you may have heard, Utah used to be No. 1 in terms of Jell-O consumption, but has recently been passed by Iowa, those Jell-O-sucking corn-shuckers. To combat this injustice, the Jell-O lobbyists are pushing to make the hoof-based gelatin dessert the official food of Utah.

At the Daily Herald, we recently were paid a visit by the Jell-O Mafia, which consisted of three large-haired women who bestowed mass quantities of Jell-O products upon us, in the hopes we would give their cause some publicity. The Jell-O Mafia is to be feared, for they wield great power. Nonetheless, I will not bow to their strong-arm tactics by promoting their proposed Jell-O law. Instead, I will say that as much as I enjoy free stuff, I don’t like Jell-O, and I think Utah’s state food should be the Mormon Funeral Casserole, possibly with smashed corn flakes on top of it, so there. Gracias y buenas noches.

Hula Hoop Sha-Boop

0

Provo Theatre Company’s “Hula Hoop Sha-Boop,” a salute to the fabulous ’50s, couldn’t possibly be any cheesier, starting with the name, which surely must have come as a result of a “Think of a Dumb Name for a Show” contest.

But “Hula Hoop” is the good kind of cheesy. The show is not ashamed of its cheesiness; indeed, it revels in it, forcing even cheese-haters to smile at the sheer monstrous magnitude of the gooiness that oozes from the stage.

Two married couples — Quin W. and Joy Gardner, and Neal and Korianne Johnson — make up the cast. There is no plot; instead, the four performers act out ’50s-nostalgia skits and sing a lot of ’50s popular songs.

The first act is more skit-heavy, with reminiscences of “Name That Tune” and other mid-century pop cultural folderol. Also included is a fond parody of the absurdity of the old “duck-and-cover” method of avoiding atomic bomb-related death. (Warning: If you go to the show, you will be asked to duck and cover.)

The second act is almost all singing, squeezing no fewer than 40 different songs into 40 minutes’ worth of performing. The energetic, deeply committed cast (which, by the way, is the saving grace of the show — without that enthusiasm, the show would die a painful death and take its audience with it) keeps a strong sense of humor throughout. Some of the medleys get cute: A guy worshipfully sings “Earth Angel” to a girl and is admonished by another guy to “Walk Like a Man.”

The show both honors and gently mocks the ’50s, catering to people who grew up in that era as well as those who have only heard of it (which includes the cast). It is the former group who will find the most appeal in the show, however. Younger audiences will appreciate the fine singing and upbeat pace, but probably won’t get much more than that out of it. Baby Boomers, on the other hand, will no doubt delight in the re-creations of drive-in movies, ’50s TV and poodle skirts. (What was the deal with those, anyway? You’ve got a poodle on your skirt? So what?)

The show has a few instances of sly comedy (one fellow admits to secretly wanting to “take a peek at Barbie”), preferring to keep things warm and gentle instead, much like the decade itself. It’s a giddily entertaining bit of cotton-candy theater: not something you’d want to make a major staple in your diet, but a fine way to spend one summer evening.

Annie Get Your Gun

0

“Annie Get Your Gun” isn’t performed much in Utah — odd, considering it has the word “gun” right in the title — so audiences should take advantage of the SCERA Shell’s production of it while they can.

Based on the somewhat-true story of sharp-shooter Annie Oakley’s rivalry/romance with Frank Butler, the 1944 Irving Berlin musical had a flashy Broadway revival last year, but still transfers well to a smaller theater with smaller resources.

Two things carry it: Berlin’s fantastic songs (“There’s No Business Like Show Business,” “I Got the Sun in the Morning,” “Anything You Can Do”), which have ingeniously rhymed lyrics the likes of which no one writes anymore these days; and star Jayne Luke as the title character. Luke, a legendary performer in these parts, is a spunky little spitfire, playing a role she’s perfect for

The story has Buffalo Bill (Marc Haddock) taking his Wild West show around the country, with Edgar Allen Poe look-alike Frank Butler (Brad Graff) as the star attraction. In Cincinnati, they run into Annie Oakley (Luke), a local backwoods gal who turns out to be at least a good a shot as Frank is.

Annie is put into the show, and the novelty of a woman sharpshooter helps make the tour successful. Her romance with Frank begins to blossom, but their pride, stubbornness and jealousy of each other gets in the way.

For a show that’s at least partly about the excitement of show business, this production has a curiously slow pace. One is tempted to merely call it “gentle” or “unhurried,” except that there are many moments in which one distinctly gets the sense that the actors could all pick up the pace just a bit and keep things moving.

Aside from that, and some energetic-but-uninspired choreography (does EVERY song have to end with EVERY cast member’s hands up in the air?), the show is a treat to watch, even if you’ve seen it before. Brad Graff has a deep, full voice that gives Frank a soft demeanor, and he and Jayne Luke play well off each other. Daren Gates is also quite good in a non-flashy role, that of show manager Charlie Davenport. Scott Young earns laughs and audience affection as Annie’s illiterate little brother Jake, too. And Alberto Oquendo’s portrayal of Sioux (or “Souix,” as it’s spelled on a sign onstage) Chief Sitting Bill is far more dignified and non-caricatured than the role has often gotten in the past.

Great songs, funny dialogue and solid performances make “Annie Get Your Gun” an almost-perfect summertime event.

The Cherry Orchard

0

They do Shakespeare pretty well down at the Shakespearean Festival, but Anton Chekhov? “The Shakespeare of Russia,” as he is sometimes called, apparently has them stymied.

How else to explain the extraordinarily uneven and uncertain production of “The Cherry Orchard”? Some actors shine brilliantly, some moments are electric … and then other actors embarrass themselves and scenes drag on forever.

It’s not an easy play to pull off, granted. It’s about turn-of-the-century upper-class Russians who are too unambitious and apathetic to act for themselves, and, as is often the case in plays about inactive people, nothing really happens.

The trick, then, is to make these characters seem 1) real and 2) likable, to make their flaws endearing and relevant to the audience, rather than frustrating.

We see it in Lyuba Ranevskaya (Michele Farr), a formerly wealthy landowner whose beloved estate and cherry orchard are about to be auctioned off, due to her immature money-squandering. Her brother, Leonid Gaev (Dennis Robertson), is even more sympathetic, waxing poetic about hundred-year-old bookcases and also not wishing to see his childhood home sold.

Farr and Robertson earn respect and command the stage in their roles. Robertson, in particular, gives vigor and sad humor to his character — exactly what can make the play successful, if everyone evokes the same connection from the audience.

At the other end of the spectrum is Yermolai Lopakhin (Rick Hamilton), a family friend and peasant-turned-businessman who suggests cutting down the cherry trees and putting up summer cottages in their place. That way, Lyuba and Leonid could afford to retain their land. They’ll have none of that, though, even though it’s their only real option; instead, they do nothing, and lose everything.

Hamilton’s Lopakhin is flat and stiff — befitting a businessman, perhaps, until his triumphant moment in obtaining the cherry orchard, which he conveys by standing in one place and ranting about how excited he is. He hasn’t been acting staid to fit the character; he’s just been being flat.

The production is too dignified for its own good. It would seem that director Kathleen F. Conlin has her actors so terrified of defiling the profound and brilliant words of Mr. Chekhov that they’re afraid to do anything beneath themselves, like be funny. The result is that in the rare instances when something humorous does occur, it seems jarringly out of place in the otherwise overly dramatic production. (Kristin Bennett, as Lyuba’s daughter Varya, best represents the “overly dramatic” part, weeping and moaning every chance she gets.)

An abstract, skewed set (by George Maxwell) and a few nice moments help the show avoid disaster. Henson Keys as serving-man Firs, the Russians’ last link to the old life of serfs and masters, is both dignified AND funny, and has the play’s haunting final moments to himself. Would that the rest of the show were as adept as he.

The Merry Wives of Windsor

0

The Merry Wives of Windsor” is a merry play indeed, a festively costumed jaunt whose theme can be summed up in a phrase: Don’t try to commit adultery. It’s that, or else there is no theme. Either way, the Utah Shakespearean Festival’s production of it is well-acted and light-hearted from beginning to end.

Dennis Robertson plays Sir John Falstaff, the debt-ridden fat knight who foolishly believes he is loved by two married women and so plans to woo them and get their husbands’ money. Robertson’s Falstaff is a man of low class, looking like a saggy-pantsed backwoodsman, the sort of guy you’d find making moonshine in the Ozarks. For as much as we like him, we like seeing him suffer from the pranks of the revenge-bent women even more.

The two women, Mistress Page (Corliss Preston) and Mistress Ford (Fredi Olster), are the commanding presence in this show. Preston and Olster exhibit great comic ability between them, mischievously plotting to embarrass the lustful Falstaff and making these women come across as two of Shakespeare’s best ladies.

Providing most of the rest of the laughs are Slender (David Ivers) and Doctor Caius (A. Bryan Humphrey), both in love with Page’s daughter Anne (Mary Dolson). Slender is a mis-named, malapropping Ed Grimley-type character, bumbling around foolishly but nonetheless gaining the favor of Anne’s father (Raymond L. Chapman). Caius is outrageously French, sounding (and even looking) a lot like John Cleese’s French taunter in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” He’s older, but he has money and is therefore favored by Anne’s mother as Anne’s future husband. Anne herself prefers the wealthy, soft-featured Fenton (Ben Cherry), though her feelings, as you might guess, are of little importance here.

The show falters only in the final scene, when Falstaff receives his final come-uppance and Anne gets married. Both events seem anti-climactic, as though the show ran out of energy before it got there. Anne’s side-plot, in particular, seems like it doesn’t even fit with the rest of the play.

Aside from that, though, the show remains a consistently amusing, often laugh-out-loud-funny affair. And, what’s more, no actual affairs ever take place.

Peter Pan

0

When a perfectly good musical version of “Peter Pan” already exists, you have to wonder why the Utah Shakespearean Festival would do a brand-new one.

The answer: Because festival founder and executive producer Fred C. Adams wrote it. He directed it, too, and while we love him for starting the festival 38 years ago, we have to reprove him for thrusting this vapid, awkwardly staged semi-musical upon us.

Of course, we’re not expecting, well, Shakespeare with “Peter Pan.” It’s a children’s show (itself a curiosity, since children under 5 aren’t allowed at festival performances anyway), and is thus allowed to be simple and cartoonishly acted. Those things are charming.

Also charming are Janet L. Swenson’s vibrant costumes and George Maxwell’s magnificent sets. Seeing actors fly is always a little magical, too, even when you’re a grown-up and know how it’s done. There are some neat stage tricks besides the flying, like cramming 10 people into a tiny house and having smoke suddenly appear from a non-existent chimney. And we should mention that Nana the dog is played by a person (Michael Chmiel) inside an enormous dog costume. These things are indicative of the child-like sense of fun and fantasy that should pervade the whole show.

Unfortunately, the fun stops with the technical elements. The script itself is strangely dialogue-heavy and slow-moving. The first scene in the Darling family’s bedroom, when Peter Pan (Jered Tanner) arrives and whisks the children off to Neverland, should be an expository scene, used to establish the characters and get the show off and moving. But no. It lasts forever, and it’s not the only scene to do so.

The show in general is more talk than action, so that by the time we actually get to the big showdown between Peter and Captain Hook (Jonathan Gillard Daly), we hardly care anymore. Our senses have been dulled by the lack of excitement up to that point.

Then there’s the songs, which appear too infrequently to make this a full-blown musical. The songs are all simple-minded, both musically and lyrically, too short to be worthwhile even if they were good, and usually random-sounding and out of place. (Peter calls Hook a “codfish,” and then they sing a song about that. Not even a regular musical would waste time singing a song about such a trifling detail. Well, Gilbert and Sullivan might have, but no one else.)

Children might be entertained by the colorful costumes and the flying. The acting is enthusiastic and animated throughout, too, the performers clearly outshining the material they’ve been handed. But kids are going to want some action if they’re going to sit still for nearly 2 1/2 hours. And their parents are going to wish they’d just stayed home and rented the old Disney cartoon instead.

The War of the Roses

0

The Utah Shakespearean Festival’s “War of the Roses,” an adaptation of “Henry VI Parts 1, 2 and 3,” is an ambitious, noble effort at putting these three rarely produced plays on the stage.

Written by Howard Jensen, who also directed, the adaptation condenses at least nine hours’ worth of material down to a festival-length three hours, basically cramming Parts 1 and 2 into the first act, with Part 3 filling the second.

The final product is one that only the most serious of Shakespeare aficionados will enjoy. The problem is that the task of abridging three already-difficult plays into one is simply too large, perhaps even impossible.

Jensen has stayed as true as he could to the original plots and characters, letting almost everyone have at least a few minutes onstage rather than cutting them altogether (though a few do receive that fate). The result, especially in the first act, is that just as we’re getting interested in some sequence of events, it ends, to make room for the next one.

Lord Talbot (Alex Moggridge), for example, is a courageous warrior in the battles between England and France that weave throughout the trilogy, and the only real hero in Part 1. He dies in that play, after having done much for England and having defeated the evil witch called Joan of Arc (Kathleen McCall).

In “The War of the Roses,” Talbot is dead in 30 minutes; Joan, 15 minutes after that. Things happen so quickly that there is no time to experience the emotions that Shakespeare intended. Which begs the question, why include them at all? If characters will be set up and then quickly dispatched, leaving no impact behind them, before the first act is even half-over, why not just cut them out altogether and focus on some more central idea?

The answer, I suspect, is that Jensen wanted to be faithful to the original. The festival could have just staged “Henry VI Part 3,” which is the meatiest of the trilogy and receives the most attention here. But then the festival couldn’t say it had performed EVERY ONE of the Bard’s works. With an adaptation that combines all three, no matter how hurriedly or ineffectually, they can say they’ve done them all, at least technically.

Unless you know the trilogy well, you’re unlikely to even know when this thing is going to end. By the 2 1/2-hour mark, so many people have come and gone, so many plots started and finished, that it will seem like the play could stop at any point and be as complete as it’s going to be.

To be fair, though, the actual ending is a deliciously ominous one, with the evil Richard (Michael A. Harding) — later the foul villain in “Richard III” — making clear his intentions not to let England’s newly won peace last very long, as he, too, seeks after the crown. Richard has emerged as such a great character that the main achievement of the play is in making you want to watch “Richard III” to see more of him.

I should point out that I was never bored with the play — but, then, I had just read the “Henry VI” trilogy a month earlier and was curious to see it staged. Many audience members trickled out before it was over, and some didn’t even make it back from intermission.

The test of who’s good and who’s not in this play is whether you remember them when it’s over. The tragic fate of good-hearted Gloucester (Anthony De Fonte), way back in the first act, is a memorable one, as is the fierce ambition of Queen Margaret (Corliss Preston). Her husband, the title character, making a cameo appearance in his own play, is played with appropriate weak-willed womanliness by Raymond L. Chapman.

Henry is a good man but a terrible leader, leading to the factions and crown-seekers who fill the play. His intentions are good; he just can’t carry them out.

The same can be said of Howard Jensen, whose desire to turn the “Henry VI” trilogy into something accessible is admirable, but ultimately a task too complicated to be achieved.

The Merchant of Venice

0

The Utah Shakespearean Festival’s production of “The Merchant of Venice” suffers a bit from poor casting in some roles, but benefits — ultimately far more greatly — from excellent casting in others.

The play has proved troublesome to many modern directors, as it was written at a time when anti-Semitism was the norm, and when forcing a Jew to convert to Christianity was seen as an act of grace and mercy, not the travesty we would see it as now.

How, then, to produce a play in which the main characters despise Jews openly, and in which the major reason the villain is considered a villain is that he’s Jewish?

Director Ina Marlowe has done wonders with Shakespeare’s words, making Shylock the Jew (Anthony De Fonte) the most sympathetic character. De Fonte’s performance captures perfectly the character’s situation: Hated by all the people of Venice because he is a rich Jew, he seeks revenge — a pound of flesh from Antonio (Richard Thomsen) — only when driven to it, his beloved daughter Jessica (Corliss Preston) whisked away by a Christian suitor.

Antonio, whose deep friendship with Bassanio (Mark Murphey) leads him to make the dreadful bargain with Shylock in behalf of his friend, doesn’t even try to apologize when his crimes against Shylock are listed. Shylock and his persecutors are both shown as imperfect, but the Christians are by far the worse perpetrators.

It may be a bit too politically correct, but it still serves as a viable interpretation of the play.

The best reason to watch the show, though, is Kathleen McCall as Portia. One is drawn to her immediately, as McCall portrays her like so many strong women we know in real life. She trash-talks her ridiculous suitors, swoons giddily over Bassanio and takes charge of a courtroom to save Antonio. The more one sees her, the more one likes everything about her.

Earning tremendous laughs in his one scene is Danforth Comins as the pompous Prince of Arragon, one of Portia’s suitors.

Where the production suffers is in the roles of Antonio and Bassanio. Their friendship should be deep and powerful, as it is that bond that sets off all the action in the play. But Thomsen, as Antonio, is at least 20 years older than Murphey’s Bassanio, and they never exhibit anything more than superficial affinity for one another. It is doubtful these men would even associate, let alone be I-would-die-for-you best friends.

Furthermore, while the idea of making Antonio somewhat flawed in order to make Shylock sympathetic is a reasonable one, Thomsen takes it too far. Line after line is spoken about what a great man Antonio is, but Thomsen fails to convey that. Indeed, when he stands in court about to lose his life, he is bitterly apathetic, not a dignified martyr.

If you’ve never seen the play before, the courtroom scene is as exciting and full of reversals as any modern-day legal thriller.

In fact, despite its casting flaws, this is a thought-provoking, richly layered play, as dramatic as it is comedic, and as troubling as it is enjoyable.

Scary Movie

0

If you have not seen “Scream,” then there is no purpose in seeing “Scary Movie.”

Of course, there’s little purpose in seeing “Scary Movie” anyway; these are not the sort of movies that one sees for a reason, other than to be mindlessly entertained and/or grossed out.

Coming across like a MAD Magazine movie satire, except much, much filthier, “Scary Movie” is almost a scene-for-scene parody of “Scream,” with the exception of an over-long sequence spoofing “I Know What You Did Last Summer” and another part that resembles the opening moments of “Scream 2.”

There are also brief parodies of “The Matrix,” “The Blair Witch Project” and “Usual Suspects,” the last of which is funniest, though the “Blair Witch” thing comes in a close second — a rarity for “Blair Witch” parodies, which have been abundant lately.

But by and large, this is not a parody of horror films in general; it’s a parody of “Scream,” which is dangerous work indeed, since “Scream” is already a parody itself. How do you do a parody of a parody? The answer is that you usually can’t, though “Scary Movie” fares admirably well. (There are just a few awkward moments when, as “Scary Movie” parallels “Scream,” we come to a scene that is funny … until we remember that the same scene was funny in the movie being parodied, too.)

The plot is the same as “Scream”: crazy person in ghost mask goes around stabbing teens. The main potential victim seems to be Cindy Cambell (Anna Faris), who, in a side plot, accidentally killed a guy last summer with her boyfriend and a few other couples. Could it be someone who knows what they did last summer who is committing these murders?

None of the principal performers is particularly adept or noteworthy, though they all plug along like workhorses, doing the silliness set before them without too much self-awareness or mugging. None of their characters are especially memorable, either, since they exist solely as stand-ins for the “Scream” characters.

The exception there is (Shawn Wayans) as Ray, a masculine athlete who has a girlfriend but who somehow turns everything he says into a subtle (or not-so-subtle) indication that he’s gay. This is a running gag that eventually gets ruined in the end, when his possible homosexuality is addressed outright, but it’s funny up to that point.

The film makes a similar misstep in actually naming the movies it’s a parody of. That’s rule #1 of satire: Don’t tell us what you’re making fun of; just make fun of it.

Cheri Oteri is her usual funny-to-some-people, not-funny-to-others self as Gale Hailstorm, the nosy journalist who’s pursuing the story and falls for Doofy, the local retarded cop. Doofy is a great parody of the idiot David Arquette has become, and one can’t help but laugh at the sheer audaciousness of so viciously mocking a celebrity like that.

While I found myself laughing at quite a bit of “Scary Movie,” I found myself being genuinely surprised, too, at the obscene lengths to which the film goes to get laughs. There are at least two moments that, while quite funny, made me shake my head in astonishment more than they made me laugh, simply because I couldn’t believe a movie was actually showing these things.

Some jokes are obvious and sophomoric (the kids go to B.A. Corpse High School); others are a little more clever, like when an early victim of the killer runs past a table that has a gun, a knife, a grenade and a banana … and she picks up the banana to defend herself.

Bottom line: at times uproariously funny, and pretty solid throughout. Also abundantly shocking and outrageous — not for the faint of heart, to be sure.

The Kid

0

First of all, despite its title, PG rating, adorable trailers and Disney’s egotistical attachment of the word “Disney’s” to the name, “The Kid” (or, more accurately, “Disney’s The Kid”) is not a movie for kids.

Kids will be restless in this movie. It’s too long for them, and its themes of recapturing the exuberance of youth are too heavy.

At the same time, I can’t say adults will exactly be thrilled with it, either. It’s a little lame, a lot manipulative, and only a little funny.

Wealthy image-consultant Russell Duritz (Bruce Willis) is a 40-year-old man with little or not regard for his fellow man. He berates his clients, abuses his secretary (Lily Tomlin), and treats his girlfriend, Amy (Emily Mortimer), like the tacked-on subplot she is.

Along comes a chubby little boy named Rusty (Spencer Breslin), who turns out to be Russell at age 8. How did Rusty come from 1968 to 2000? Thankfully, the movie avoids sci-fi questions like that and politely asks us to just go along with it on this one, which we’re keen to do, because frankly, time-travel issues are starting to get old, and we’d rather not think about them.

The question the movie DOES ask is, What is Rusty doing here? Russell naturally assumes that he’s supposed to teach this younger version of himself how not to get beaten up all through high school like he did. What he eventually learns is that it’s the other way around: Young Rusty is supposed to rekindle in Russell all the childhood dreams and ideals he once had but has since lost, what with being a wealthy image-consultant and all.

The film, generically directed by Jon Turteltaub, is not without its charms. Bruce Willis, on top of things again with the legendary “Sixth Sense” and giddily entertaining “Whole Nine Yards,” has that “Moonlighting” smirk again, and though he’s a bit of a jerk, he’s a likable one. (The first example of his rudeness is when he pays the tab for a woman ahead of him in line who can’t find her purse, just because he’s in a hurry and doesn’t have time to wait for this idiot to find her money. When she says, “Oh, you didn’t have to do that!,” he replies, “I didn’t do it for you.” She calls him a jerk, but I say, way to go, Russ. I wish I had enough money to spend it getting slow people out of my way at checkout lines.)

Breslin is that rare breed of child actor who is cute without being irritating, and funny without being obnoxious. He and Willis almost make a good pair every now and then.

The film is 104 minutes long. Combined, I don’t think there are five minutes under which (or, more often, over which) Marc Shaiman’s vapid musical score is not playing. The film never justs lets the charaters talk; we have to hear this overbearing crap blasted constantly. Not sure what emotion you’re supposed to feel? Don’t worry, the music will tell you, loudly and badly. (Some themes, I’d swear, are lifted from “Tommy Boy.”)

We should also mention something that doesn’t usually need to be mentioned: bad editing. There are many, many times when actors’ facial expressions and/or body language change from one shot to the next. Sheer sloppiness, and a sign of the assembly-line mentality that permeates the whole thing.

In the end — well, OK, through the whole thing — it’s overly sentimental and syrupy. But it’s occasionally funny, often entertaining, and undeniably charming.

But I’m a Cheerleader

0

“But I’m a Cheerleader” is a film so enamored of its own premise that it never bothers to do anything with it, like a “Saturday Night Live” sketch with a clever joke that’s ruined by the fact that it goes on forever.

The funny premise at issue is this: Ordinary suburban high-schooler Megan (Natasha Lyonne) is suspected by her parents and friends of being a lesbian, due to her vegetarianism and penchant for putting Melissa Ethridge posters on her bedroom walls. So they ship her off to “True Directions,” a rehabilitation camp for young homosexuals, male and female, run by strict matriarch Mary (Cathy Moriarty), who seems to have started the camp because she’s in denial over her own extremely gay son, Rock (Eddie Cibrian).

The thing is, Megan’s not gay. At least, she never thought she was before. At the camp, working through a five-step program (admit your problem, identify the cause, etc.), she begins to realize that sure enough, they’re right! She IS a lesbian! And she doesn’t particularly want to be “cured” of it, either.

That’s the big joke, of course, that “True Directions” is more likely to be counterproductive than rehabilitative — as well is should be, since the idea of “curing” homosexuals is archaic and narrow-minded. (Well, that’s what the movie believes, and it assumes we agree with that stance. Those who disagree are not likely to be won over by the film’s so-called “satire,” which is too sloppy and ham-fisted to be effective.)

After the jokes about would-be reformers surreptitiously winking at each other grow tedious, the film moves on to become a tedious lesbian love story, between Megan and trouble-maker Graham (Clea DuVall). For two-thirds of the film, director Jamie Babbit uses straight-ahead camera angles, squarely framing everything like a comic strip, and backing up that idea with basic colors and broad acting. Then, when the romance begins, it turns into a more serious film. This is a bad idea. Even though the premise was indeed getting very, very old, abandoning it midstream and going for something more Sundance-y doesn’t help. It just makes it look like Babbit and screenwriter Brian Wayne Peterson lost faith in their own story.

There are some laughs here, but not many. Casting famed transvestite RuPaul Charles as a cured homosexual who is now a camp counselor (heavy on the “camp”) is amusing, as is one girl’s explanation for what made her gay: “I was born in France.” Aside from that, the hope seems to be that we will keep laughing at the skewering of gay stereotypes and ultra-conservative homophobia. That hope is in vain. This is a topic ripe for parody, but “Cheerleader” is not the film to execute it.

Shower (Mandarin)

0

“Shower” is a jovial film exploring an aspect of Chinese culture with which most Americans are utterly unfamiliar: the public bathhouse.

As presented here, the bathhouse is a major part of small-town society. It’s where men sit around and play board games, gossip, have massages, and (if there’s time) take baths. Without the bathhouse, there is no social structure.

By contrast, the film opens with an amusing scene in which a big-city man uses an automatic public shower — which looks every bit like a car wash, by the way, no doubt an intentional effect.

The simple story has Da Ming (Pu Cun Xin) returning from the city to the small town in which he grew up. The reasons for this are not clearly explained, but it would seem he mistakenly believed his father to be dead, thanks to a photo his retarded brother Er Ming (Jiang Wu) mailed him.

But dad, Master Liu (Zhu Xu), is alive and quite sturdy, still running the bathhouse Da Ming worked at in his youth. Liu is bothered by his older son’s haughty attitude toward village life, and clings tightly to Er Ming as his last remaining loyal relative.

News comes soon that the city is planning to tear down the entire district, bathhouse and all, to make room for high-rises. Additionally, Master Liu takes ill and Da Ming has to help his brother mind the store.

Naturally, there is a change of heart, and Da Ming’s return to his roots helps him reassess his values. Fortunately, the film is not as trite as that. Da Ming is never made out to be a materialistic jerk; he’s just gotten away from his former way of life (he even takes SHOWERS now, instead of baths). Whatever it is pressing him to return to the big city is kept a minor force: We know he has a wife and a job, but we don’t know any details on either of them. It’s not meant to be a battle of wills between the country boy Da Ming and the city boy Da Ming. It’s just a grown man becoming reacquainted with his former old-fashioned values.

Master Liu, meanwhile, is demonstrated to be a remarkable old man indeed. His bathhouse is what keeps life together for these people, and he’s not just the guy who runs it. He’s a referee, marriage counselor, confidant and dispenser of sage advice. His lengthy story about the importance of water and bathing belies the film’s overall simplicity and is ultimately a bit out of place; however, it all comes back to the present in time for a bittersweet, good-hearted finale.

ShakesFest2000

0

I recently spent three days at the Utah Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City. This is perhaps the only place in the world where you can hear actors speak some of the most beautiful words ever written, and then turn on the Southern Utah University radio station on the way back to your motel and hear a DJ say, “Anyways, here’s some more hits we’re crankin’ out.”

I also got to hear a girl make the following remark after watching “The Merry Wives of Windsor,” a light-hearted and frothy comedy in which Sir John Falstaff gets his come-uppance for being lecherous: “That was sad,” she said. “I felt bad for Sir John Whatever.” I’m sure Shakespeare would be delighted to know that one of his sunniest and goofiest comedies made someone sad in behalf of Sir John Whatever. Perhaps this girl would also feel some sense of tragedy if she were to see the Verdi opera based on “The Merry Wives of Windsor,” entitled, “Whatever.”

While at the festival, my primary concern was of course watching the plays, or, in some cases, staying in the hotel room and reading the Cliff’s Notes on them instead. My second greatest priority was eating. However, this is generally true no matter what I’m doing. I could be duct-taped to a rocket that was being launched into the sun, and I’d be thinking, “I wonder if the sun has a Wendy’s?” (Also: “How would I go about putting Dave Thomas there?”)

Anyway, with food and Shakespeare on my mind simultanously, I came up with the following mouth-watering play titles during the parts of the shows when I wasn’t paying attention:

“Spamlet”
“Much Ado about Muffins”
“Two Gentlemen of Bologna”
“Love’s Bagels Lost”
“The Cherry Pies of Windsor”
“Oth-Jell-O”
“The Taming of the Stew”
“The Merchant of Venison”
“A Midsummer Night’s Bean”

And as long as we’re speaking randomly about Shakespeare: Everyone’s heard the famous “To be or not to be” speech, and the “What light through yonder window breaks?” line. But in studying the Bard’s work, I’ve found a number of interesting lines that are not quoted nearly as often, perhaps because I’ve made them up. Here are some:

“Lookest thou at me? Art thou looking at me? I seeth not anyone else here; it must be that thou lookest at me.” (“MacDeath”)

“I love her not, for behold, from the tree of ugly hath she fallen, yea, and striketh each branch on the way down.” (“Titus Androgynous”)

“Thy help I seek. Seest thou can that backwards my words are.” (“Windsor of Wives Merry The”)

“Thou hast captured my heart. Give it back.” (“Henry XXIII”)

“Whassup?” (“Two Boyz from Verona”)

“Romeo, O Romeo. Where the hell fore art thou Romeo?” (“Romeo Must Die”)

“With Cupid’s cruel arrows am I stung, and with tetanus is my flesh now infected.” (“A Midsummer Nightmare”)

“Alas, poor Sir John Whatever. I knew him well.” (“The Tragedy of Sir John Whatever”)

Fiddler on the Roof

0

Sundance’s production of “Fiddler on the Roof” pulls off the feat of being a traditional, non-flashy staging of the familiar show, while simultaneously being broadly acted and crowd-pleasing, keeping the emotions close to the surface.

Largely responsible for this is Michael Rupert as Tevye, the poor Jewish dairyman in turn-of-the-century Russia who tryies to cling to his traditions even while the world around his small village is changing. Rupert never lets us forget for a moment that he is PERFORMING, speaking almost every one of his lines (especially the jokes) directly to the audience in a wry, self-aware, almost smug mannger.

To his credit, he squeezes laughs out of lines that are written funny but that don’t often get laughs; the problem is, he often squeezes too hard. He holds the audience in the palm of his hand. Whether his methods of doing that are honest, from a theatrical standpoint, is another matter, but perhaps an irrelevant one. The audience loves him; if he had to sacrifice the character’s depth and realism to get there, so be it.

The cast is a combination of professional and amateur actors (though all are being paid for their work), and some of the non-pros outshine their Actors’ Equity Association counterparts. Dianna Graham as oldest daughter Tzeitel, for example, shows an obvious knack for performing, even in subtle things like her part in the “Matchmaker” song. Her subtlety is a rare commodity in this show, especially when contrasted with Joan Barber as Golde, her mother, who hollers everything and doesn’t even TRY to do an accent.

Jennifer C. Ballif and Katie Redford Luther are also quite good as Tzeitel’s younger sisters. The girls’ suitors, Motel (Ary Farahnakian), Perchik (Steven Fales) and Fyedka (Jason Celaya), are well-cast, keenly conveying the characters’ respective attitudes and goals. Motel does seem a bit hyperactively goofy, but it’s kind of endearing.

The choreography by Peter Anastos is fantastic, expertly combining modern musical-theater movement with traditional Jewish dancing. Ryan T. Murphy’s musical direction also aids immeasurably to the show’s energy.

Long-time fans of the show may wish for a little more emotion and intimacy. But first-timers will be pleased with the show’s slickness and its clear (and mostly successful) desire to win over the audience completely.

Saturday’s Voyeur

0

Salt Lake Acting Company’s annual mish-mash of barbed satire and flat-out rudeness winds up, for the second year in a row, too heavy for its own good and not nearly funny enough.

“Saturday’s Voyeur 2000,” as this year’s offering is called, focuses on the LDS Church’s recent sale of ZCMI. Taking place in the basement of ZCMY, an utterly fictional store that has recently been sold to a bunch of Jews (or Gentiles, as the Mormons call them), the story centers around Frank Einstein (Kurt Proctor), a Mormon convert who used to be Jewish who is becoming more and more disenchanted with things since the store was sold. He confides his troubles in the mannequins who inhabit the basement, who themselves are worried about being moved onto the sales floor and having their nipples filed down (referring to an old legend that ZCMI would do this in its stores to make the mannequins more modest).

This “filing” process becomes a metaphor for all conformity. Mormon or not, becoming like everyone else in Utah is the same as having your nipples filed down. (Well, it makes sense in the play. Kind of.)

Also hiding out in the basement whenever possible are a gay couple of employees (Spencer Ashby, Robert Bogue), and two bold female employees (Annette Wright, Toni Lynn Bird), one of whom is a Catholic and the other of whom is a lapsed Mormon.

The Mormons in the story are either dim-witted — like the naive Sister Sandy (Marilyn Alldredge) — or creepy and evil — like the two managers, Parley Pope (Ashby) and Farley Pratt (Bogue).

The music for the show comes almost entirely as parodies of showtunes, borrowing from “Cats,” “Bye Bye Birdie,” “Little Shop of Horrors,” and “Jekyll & Hyde,” to name a few. There’s also a hysterical “White Man Mambo #5” (“Take no steps left and two steps right”), and a vicious Gayle Ruzicka skewering (to the tune of “Livin’ la Vida Loca”).

The parody lyrics are often amateurish, though, sticking too close to the originals and merely changing one or two words — or sometimes none at all. Clearly parody-writing is not the forte of Nancy Borgenicht and Allen Nevins.

Social satire is their forte, but “Saturday’s Voyeur 2000” does not utilize it well enough. Many of the jokes comes across as more bitter than funny, and while they’ve nailed the Mormon dialect (“‘Preciate ya sa-much”), some of the targets are awfully broad and easy to hit — not to mention the straw-man tactic of the ZCMI nipple-filing legend, which probably isn’t true anyway, thus putting a parody of it on shaky ground.

From a theatrical standpoint, the show suffers from over-length and claustrophobia. Set entirely in the basement of ZCMY, there can be very little physical action. And since the mannequins only talk to each other, the humans usually just do soliloquies. Fine for a while, but not for 2 1/2 hours.

“Saturday’s Voyeur” is by nature a hit-or-miss prospect. This year it’s a miss, but maybe next year will be more fruitful.

The Perfect Storm

0

“The Perfect Storm,” which is ultimately a not-very-good movie, is basically a combination of “Twister” and “Armageddon” — two other not-very-good movies.

It has a more intellectual and sophisticated look about it than those other movies; in fact, its tone is more like “Titanic” than a traditional summer action blockbuster. Director Wolfgang Peterson takes his sweet time setting things up, allowing us a full 30 minutes of exposition before any boats ever leave the dock.

The characters are a disparate group of swordfishermen in Gloucester, Mass., who decide to head out to sea on one more fishing trip before possibly hanging it up and finding more lucrative work. Since this is based on a true story — and, again, keeping with the anti-blockbuster mentality — the characters are fairly realistic and not the one-note caricatures you’d find in, say, “Armageddon.”

The captain is Billy Tyne (George Clooney, looking old and weather-beaten, as befitting the role), a man who loves the sea and lives for fishing. If anyone’s going to find a new profession, it’s not going to be him. He has an ill-defined flirtatious friendship with fellow captain Linda Greenlaw (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio); beyond that, he seems to be alone in the world.

His first mate Bobby (Mark Wahlberg) wants to settle down with his girlfriend (Diane Lane). Murph (John C. Reilly) is a big teddy bear of a man who misses his young son, whom he lost in a divorce. Bugsy (John Hawkes) is a scroungy fellow who wants a woman to have sex with him. Alfred Pierre (Allen Payne) is a Jamaican ladies’ man. Sully (William Fichtner) is an odd guy who, for reasons unexplained, is at odds with Murph.

Which hints at how, despite its Grown-Up Movie musical score (by James Horner — another “Titanic” connection) and un-sensationalized storytelling, “The Perfect Storm” is, at its heart, just another popcorn film. Sully and Murph are always bickering; it goes without saying, then, that Murph’s life will be endangered and Sully will rescue him. Bobby’s girlfriend has “bad feelings” about going his out on this trip. The scenes of a local weatherman (Chris McDonald) discovering the impending “Storm of the Century” are of the “May God save us all!” variety, straight out of “Independence Day” or any other disaster movie.

Our heroes, aboard the Andrea Gail, are out farther than the storm. They’ve caught enough fish to make them wealthy (well, in fisherman’s terms, anyway) and have room for more, but then the ice-machine breaks. They have to hurry back to Gloucester before everything spoils — which means going straight through the storm. They consider the option of staying put and waiting until the storm passes, but that would mean the loss of all their goods, and the dashing of all their dreams (most of which revolve around having money).

So they go for it, and of course all hell breaks loose.

The storm itself is a spectacular special effect, with enormous waves and hurricane winds. That, however, is not enough to sustain a movie — and certainly not for 136 minutes. Padding out the over-long film are scenes of a small yacht and its three inhabitants being rescued by the Coast Guard, who soon find themselves in need of rescuing. One hates to sound calloused, but who cares? These aren’t the main characters. If you need to show us that other people are affected by the storm, too, fine. Just do it quickly and move on. Honest to goodness, this movie spends a total of 20 minutes on these people, none of whose names we even find out.

Warner Bros. put a special note at the top of their press materials, asking critics not to reveal the ending of the film. That’s a shame, because I’d really like to tell you how disappointing it is. Though the acting is good all around, our heroes’ heroism is never fully established, and when it’s all done, there’s a strong sense of, “That’s it?” What, exactly, were we supposed to feel? For as long as this movie spends showing us these guys, we never feel as attached to them as we’d like to, making their final triumph and/or failure (Warner Bros. doesn’t want me to say which) a let-down. Up until the end, though, it’s a reasonably entertaining (if somewhat repetitive) ride.

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

0

“The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle” can be summed up in one word: uneven.

Weighing the negatives against the positives, it’s almost an even balance, though a few significant positives tip the scale, slightly, in favor of “good movie” instead of “bad movie.”

The fast-moving story in this highly self-referential, winking film (an attitude similar to the TV series on which it is based) has cartoon stars Rocky (voice of June Foray) and Bullwinkle (voice of Keith Scott) living in oblivion ever since the 1964 cancellation of their TV show.

Their old foes, Fearless Leader (Robert De Niro), Natasha (Rene Russo) and Boris (Jason Alexander), have escaped from cartoon-land into real life — well, Hollywood, anyway, where they’ve become three-dimensional, flesh-and-blood people with a plan to take over the world.

How? Fearless Leader is launching RBTV (Really Bad Television), a network that will broadcast shows so awful they turn America into mindless zombies, at which point they will do his bidding and vote for him for president.

So Rocky and Bullwinkle are summoned by inept FBI agent Karen Sympathy (Piper Perabo), who pulls them from cartoon-land into reality. (They remain cartoon characters, though, resulting in a lot of very good animation/live-action scenes.) Most of the rest of the film is the trio, often split up by Sympathy being arrested or Bullwinkle flying off in a crop-duster, making their way to New York to stop Fearless Leader’s big “now that you’re all zombies, vote for me” speech.

Piper Perabo is absolutely dreadful as the FBI Agent Sympathy. Poor gal, most of her scenes were filmed with her talking to no one, the animated characters added in post-production, and she simply isn’t up to the task. Even opposite real people, she’s a bad actress, plain and simple.

De Niro, Alexander and Russo are all a treat as the trio of villains, admirably imitating the famous bad guys both in voice and appearance. They are not terribly funny, per se, but they are certainly enjoyable.

Minor details make the film fun. Whoopi Goldberg cameos as a judge named Judge Cameo, one of many amusing names. There’s also an inspired bit in which Rocky, Bullwinkle and Sympathy get arrested and appear on a “Cops”-style TV show — complete with the cartoon characters faces being blurred out, right in front of everyone. There is also much humor at the expense of the TV and film industries.

The feckless narrator (Keith Scott again) often pre-empts our complaints by pointing out that yes, a particular joke was very bad. (“Even their wordplay had become hackneyed and cheap,” he says in description of Rocky and Bullwinkle’s post-cancellation lethargy.) When Fearless Leader says he wants Rocky and Bullwinkle killed, he says, “Up to now, there’s never been a way to kill a cartoon character.” When someone says, “What about that ‘Roger Rabbit’ movie?,” he barks, “This is different!”

The problem is, merely acknowledging, even making fun of, your faults doesn’t make them OK. There are plenty of really bad jokes that the narrator doesn’t apologize for, leading us to assume that the writers thought they were good.

There’s lots of missed potential, too, with Fearless Leader’s “Really Bad Television” plan. The idea of creating the worst show ever is a delicious one, leading to so many satiric possibilities. The one example they use of RBTV’s programming is funny — “Three Funny, Wacky Spies and Their Horse, Who Will Also Be a Spy” — but a film with this much creativity behind it should have been able to come up with a few more examples, too, rather than just continuing to repeat that one.

It’s fun to see Rocky and Bullwinkle again, and their personalities here are exactly as we remember them — they have not been modernized or tweaked, thankfully. The film’s breezy pace and general merriment make it good, but not nearly as good as it should have been.

Just Fiends

0

Today’s topic is Things Women Do That Men Don’t Understand.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Ricks College, a four-year university? Great. Now people who couldn’t get in to BYU will be able to get bachelor’s degrees in Paste-Eating, instead of just associate’s.”

But you’re also thinking, “This topic is nothing new. Comedians are always talking about the differences between men and women. Come on, Snider” — or perhaps you’re thinking it “Snyder,” like many of you spell it when you write me angry letters — “come up with a new topic.” I will address this concern later (that is, if by “later” we mean “shut up”).

Where I live, it’s summertime. (I am not up-to-date on what season it is where you live.) This means that all the residents at my apartment complex have nothing to do but fall in love with each other. There are all these couplings of guys and girls that have sprung up literally overnight, and the rest of us entertain ourselves by watching what happens, having virtually no purpose in our own sad lives.

Here is what happens. The guy and the girl are clearly interested in each other. They hang out till all hours of the night, talking and getting to know one another. They flirt. They giggle. The guys start using deodorant and speaking in that voice that they only use with girls, the one that doesn’t yell things and that doesn’t know any swear words. The girls try, in vain, to act mature. Things would seem to be progressing nicely.

Then the girl does this: She takes the guy on one of their walks (men: Fear The Walk!) and explains that he is a great guy, and she thinks he’s very funny and nice and attractive and pleasant to be around and generally on top of things in the personal hygiene department and overall possessed of all the qualities she wants in a guy. And so, therefore — and this is the only logical course of action — she wants things to go no further. She just wants to be friends. She’s waiting, one presumes, for someone worse to come along.

The simple explanation at this point would be that the girl was lying about one or more of the complimentary things she said about the guy. For surely, if she actually liked all those things about him, she’d want to at least give the romance thing a try. If she is lying, we men do not fault her; after all, we lie to them at least as much as they lie to us, especially when they ask us questions about themselves that involve the words “love” or “fat.”

But here’s the thing that we’ve been seeing a lot of lately, we people who have nothing better to do than watch other people’s relationships. After the girl gives the guy the “let’s just be friends” spiel, THEIR BEHAVIOR DOES NOT CHANGE. They continue to spend all their time together. They continue to flirt and giggle. They continue to be, by the looks of things, far more than “just friends.” In fact, by the looks of things, you’d say they were boyfriend-and-girlfriend. Yet somehow, in the girl’s mind, they are not romantically involved.

This level of self-delusion is admirable. I’ve been able to convince myself of a lot of false things — I’m still expecting Robin Williams to become funny again, for example — but I’m sure I could never make myself believe that I was not dating someone whom I was clearly dating. I’ll bet these girls could be married to these guys, with children, even, and still say, “Oh, I just think he’s a nice guy and we’re just friends.” It’s yet another one of those Things Women Do That Men Don’t Understand. Add it to the list, and hand me the paste.

The Patriot

0

Mel Gibson has carved out his niche: Epic-Length, Loosely Fact-Based Movies About Long-Haired Sweaty Guys with Great Personal Charisma Whose Personal Tragedies Force Them to Get Involved in Bloody Wars Against England.

In “Braveheart II” — I mean, “The Patriot” — Gibson is Benjamin Martin, a well-respected widower with seven children who, despite his legendary prowess on the battlefield, has no interest in the current battle between the American colonies and mother England. He’s all for freedom, sure, and he doesn’t care much for taxation without representation. But war is full of blood and killing, and he’d rather stay home and protect his family.

Fine, except that his oldest son, Gabriel (Heath Ledger), is a non-pacifist and joins the Continental Army. After fighting for months, he stumbles back home, having been wounded on his way to deliver important war documents. His family lets him hole up there, which endangers everyone when the evil British Col. Tavington (Jason Isaacs) finds them and orders the house burned and Gabriel hanged. The Martins all escape, except for second son Thomas (Logan Lerman), who rashly tries to save Gabriel and gets shot by Tavington.

Now, it’s personal. Benjamin arms his two other boys and ambushes the group of 20 soldiers leading Gabriel off to be hanged. Benjamin kinda loses it, too, and goes completely colonial on one guy’s butt, using a hatchet to hack him up but good. This is foreshadowing: Will Benjamin’s brutal war tactics of the past come back to haunt him? Is ALL fair in war, or is there such a thing as mercy?

The movie doesn’t want you to think too hard about it. It wants you to watch the big, bloody battle scenes, which become the main order of business when, even after his dad has rescued him once, Gabriel goes out to join the army again. Benjamin, still seeking revenge against Tavington for William’s death, joins Gabriel and is promptly made commander of the militia.

Their main foe is General Cornwallis (Tom Wilkinson) and his forces. Benjamin proves himself crafty and sly, using the British army’s silly rules of war conduct against them and making fools of Cornwallis. It all comes down to hand-to-hand combat eventually, and you may rest assured that everything turns out approximately the way you’d expect it to.

The movie keeps up its pace except for the middle, when Benjamin gives his soldiers a week-long furlough. The movie takes a break, too, shifting focus to Gabriel’s obligatory romance and Benjamin’s love for his still-living children.

Forget about “The Patriot” having any grand themes of patriotism or loyalty. It’s a lowest-common-denominator summer action movie, pure and simple, directed by Roland Emmerich (“Godzilla,” “Independence Day,” “Universal Soldier”). The characters are all prone to speech-making, and for every good and noble element, there’s at least one crowd-pleaser tossed in, too, as if to remind the audience that even though it’s about history, they don’t have to be all that smart to enjoy it. (Benjamin steals Cornwallis’s dogs! Gabriel’s porcine father-in-law can’t hear very well! Every single British person is a twit! Tee-hee!)

Remember how the famous “mooning” scene in “Braveheart” was a nice break from the intensity of war and the heavy theme of freedom that otherwise pervaded the movie? Well, about 90 percent of “The Patriot” is the equivalent of that scene — “Braveheart Lite.” Like the war itself, it’s too long and too bloody; unlike the war, it doesn’t pay off in the end on anything more than a Good-Guys-Win, Hollywood-movie level. It’s fun for a while, but hardly revolutionary.

Chicken Run

0

If a better, funnier, smarter, more endearing film than “Chicken Run” comes along this year, I will eat a live chicken and shoot the feathers out my butt.

From the British folks who brought us the daft “Wallace & Gromit” Claymation cartoons comes this full-length adventure about a group of hens trying to escape from Tweedy Farms. The chickens who produce the fewest eggs get axed, and, to make matters worse, the Tweedys have now decided to turn ALL the chickens into chicken pies via an enormous machine, the insides of which lead to one of the film’s greatest, funniest sequences.

Ginger (voiced by Julia Sawalha) is their leader, a plucky (sorry) gal with a never-ending list of schemes aimed at getting the whole bunch over the fence and into freedom. They all fail (one of them involves digging with an eggbeater — just one example of the film’s mildly subversive deviltry), and for her efforts, she keeps getting tossed into solitary confinement — or “on holiday,” as the preciously dense, constantly-knitting Babs (Jane Horrocks) puts it. (“We haven’t tried NOT trying to escape,” Babs offers as a suggestion.)

Then along comes Rocky the Rooster (Mel Gibson), a cocky (sorry) American who says he can actually fly! In exchange for hiding him from the circus whence he came, he agrees to teach the ladies this skill. But he may not be everything he says he is, and the crusty old retired military rooster Fowler (Benjamin Whitrow) has his doubts, as does Ginger.

The greatness of this film is in its details. There are references to other movies and pop culture, as is the trend among animated films in this post-modern age — but they’re all subtle, typical of the dry British wit we Americans love so much. The story line is understated and deftly handled, too: When Rocky comes clean about his past and leaves the group in shame, he doesn’t do it in a tearful letter, as would be expected. Instead, he leaves behind the missing half of his circus-promotion poster — the half that tells the whole story with no sentiment or melodrama whatsoever. Beautiful.

Another great thing is that the film reminds us, occasionally, just how ridiculous it is. We know the chickens are organized. We know Ginger is their leader. We accept this, because it’s a cartoon, and things like that happen in cartoons. But when Mr. Tweedy tells his wife (Miranda Richardson), “They’re organized, I know it. Ginger, she’s their leader, I reckon,” we laugh at the stupidity of such an idea. Organized, indeed! With a leader, even! The chickens!

This is a whimsical, clever film that entertains the young ones as well as the grown-ups as much as any Disney film has ever done. With memorable characters and one great scene after another — there are swing-dancing chickens in this movie, for crying out loud! — there’s never a moment that comes across as anything less than wonderful.

Me, Myself & Irene

0

There are people who are tired of Jim Carrey. They find his mugging and cloying to be unfunny and self-centered, like a class clown who favors funny faces over humorous content, who uses energy and pratfalls to make up for his lack of actual talent.

I am one of those people. I have enjoyed Carrey in movies, and I have disenjoyed him in others. In the “Ace Ventura” films, it seemed like someone just told him, “Go out there and be Jim Carrey, and we’ll film it!” It’s times like that — when he’s not reined in, completely ad-libbing and throwing himself around — that he’s least funny. It’s what Robin Williams does every time he’s on a talk show, spewing a thousand jokes a minute, about three of which are actually good.

In “Me, Myself & Irene,” though, Carrey is directed well (by the notorious Farrelly brothers, who also guided him in “Dumb & Dumber”) and gives a performance that is nothing short of genius. Yes, he’s full of manic energy, like always. But he’s not just flailing his limbs around randomly: He’s doing everything for a reason. And motivated comedy is always funnier than senseless shticking.

Carrey plays Charlie Baileygates, a milquetoast Rhode Island state policeman who is pushed around by everyone — and gladly takes it. Seems that 18 years earlier, his soul-mate wife had an affair with a black man, resulting in three illegitimate black children, whom she left with Charlie when she dumped him. Charlie was devastated, but repressed all his anger. Since then, he has avoided all confrontation.

Until now. He’s reached the breaking point, and his alter ego, who calls himself Hank Evans, emerges. Hank speaks in a Clint Eastwood tough-guy growl, says whatever he wants, does whatever he wants, and gets Charlie out of a number of scrapes.

Charlie is called upon to escort a possible criminal named Irene (Renee Zellweger) back to upstate New York. Along the way, both Charlie and Hank fall in love with her, and while she prefers the sweet-natured Charlie, she also appreciates Hank’s ability to keep them from getting killed by some bad cops in cahoots with her no-good boyfriend.

As usual with the Farrellys, this one’s hit-and-miss. (No matter how much its two or three really memorable scenes may have implanted themselves in your brain, “There’s Something About Mary” was ultimately the same way.) Utterly hysterical moments — Charlie trying to urinate after a night of sex, trying to put an injured cow out of its misery, misusing both a chicken and a breast-feeding mother (in separate scenes, don’t worry) — are intermingled with too much focus on the stupid “bad cops” plot, not to mention the worthless romance between Charlie and Irene, put there just so the Farrellys can claim underlying sweetness in their over-the-top crass movies. And 2 hours is far too long for a film of this nature to sustain its welcome. Many scenes drag on and simply aren’t funny.

But it’s more hit than miss, thanks to Carrey. Charlie and Hank, despite dressing the same and inhabiting the same body, walk, talk and look completely different. Carrey has played two roles in the same film before, but creating two totally different characters without benefit of costumes or wigs is amazing. The war between the two sides of Charlie is a tour-de-force of physical comedy.

There is also abundant humor in Charlie’s three teen-age black sons, raised on Richard Pryor and possessed of filthy, gangsta-rapper mouths. The catch? They also have genius IQs and discuss physics and science, leading to absurdly juxtaposed statements like, “Enrico Fermi would roll over in his motherf—— grave.” In fact, the boys’ love and concern for their father is where the film’s real sweetness is.

Zellweger does fine, but seems a bit overwhelmed by all the mayhem surrounding her. This is Carrey’s film and no one else’s, and he alone makes it a hilariously offensive gem.

Between Me and You

0

Is it fair to single out others’ small mistakes, and enlarge them to the extent that we miss the point of what they were trying to say?

Yes. We do it all the time, and we should do it even more. Missing The Point is one of the major industries in Utah, along with Jumping To Conclusions and Being Better Than Others.

But is it fair when OTHER people do this to US? Obviously not. I’m surprised you even had to ask. Dishing It Out But Refusing To Take It is another thing we all do pretty well around here.

What brings me to this topic is a letter the Daily Herald printed recently in which a Salem resident takes me to task for using poor grammar. Specifically, she quotes me as saying that when I was a kid, “an older, bratty girl named Colleen was harassing me and my friends, so my mom turned the hose on her to chase her out of the yard.”

Surely even the stupidest Daily Herald readers are already howling at the embarrassing mistake I made there, perhaps even calling to cancel their subscriptions and sign up for the Deseret “News” instead. My mistake? I neglected to mention another time, when some older boys were throwing rocks at me, and my mom aimed an unloaded BB-gun at them to scare them off.

No, actually, according to the letter-writer, the mistake I made was in saying “me and my friends” instead of “my friends and me.” In a quaint anecdote, the letter-writer says, “Even before I started school and studied grammar, my grandmother would correct my speech.” (Note: What a fun grandma!) “‘It is polite to put others first,'” she cites her life-of-the-party Nana as saying.

Well, indeed. It IS polite to put others first. It is not, however, a grammatical mandate. As long as you have the pronouns right — some would be tempted to say “myself and my friends” or “my friends and I,” both of which would be so wrong as to, in an ideal world, have your U.S. citizenship revoked — it technically doesn’t matter what order you put them in.

The letter-writer said this was an example of my self-importance. I put “me” before “my friends”; thus, clearly, I consider myself to be more important than my friends.

(It is quite a coincidence that the letter-writer happened to catch the one time I’ve ever been impolite in my writing.)

The whole Missing The Point thing comes in when we realize that this particular column was a sweet, warm-hearted Mother’s Day tribute to my own personal mother. Mom says she was deeply touched by it, and she makes everyone read it. Getting persnickety (and the letter WAS persnickety) over a tiny issue of politeness seems to be Missing The Point entirely.

Newspapers make mistakes all the time, ranging from minor things tangentially related to grammar, all the way up to huge goofs, like the famous Chicago Tribune blunder in which the paper ran the erroneous headline, “Dewey Defeats Darth Vader.”

And back to the fairness thing. Someone writes a letter nit-picking my column, and I write a column nit-picking her letter. Both of us are taking one small thing and making a big deal of it. Who between us can judge who’s the better writer?

I can, of course, because I have a weekly column and she doesn’t, so nyah nyah.

No! I continue to kid! Neither of us is necessarily a better writer than the other, though we’re both better than the person who posted the following online message in response to my review of the film “Love and Basketball”:

“I think the movie touch people to heart with there own lives and overall it was a very enjoyable movie.”

I think the letter-writer and I can agree that this person should not be allowed near a computer ever again. And I bet her grandma would even support me and her in that.

Fiddler on the Roof

0

A little cartoonish, a little ridiculous, but also a little sweet here and there, Tuacahn’s production of “Fiddler on the Roof” is liable to charm audiences by sticking pretty close to the traditional show everyone’s familiar with, while still making some use of the spectacular outdoor red-rock theater.

Tuacahn forces its directors to incorporate the expensive flash-flood special effect into at least one show every year. This time, “Fiddler” got the shaft (only, I’m guessing, because no one could figure out a way to work a flood into “The Music Man”), and director Tim Threlfall does what he can to include it in as honest a way as possible.

Still, it’s a senseless addition that makes the show’s climax far more melodramatic than it should be. Tuacahn needs to get over the fact that they have a flash-flood effect, and only use it when the situation warrants it. If anyone’s buying tickets just to see the stage get covered in water, well, they need to re-think their theater-going priorities.

On the other hand, the dream sequence — in which Tevye (Lowell V. Noel) convinces Golde (Cathy Gene Greenwood) to bypass traditional matchmaking methods and let Tzeitel (Katharine Matis) marry Motel (Joey Khoury) — has never been more chilling. Groups of white-masked ghouls dance around, flourescent, shrieking ghosts appear out of nowhere, and a sheet of water, colored by light, blasts up in the background. It’s spectacle, not just for spectacle’s sake, but because the scene calls for whatever extravagence is possible. At Tuacahn, that’s a lot.

Lowell V. Noel is uneven as Tevye, the happy, complaining turn-of-the-century Russian Jew who must decide which traditions can be modified to fit the changing times, and which must be adhered to. He’s cartoonish at times — specifically, he’s Fred Flintstone, bellowing “Gol-DE!” instead of “Wil-MA!” — but he also makes some nice switches when the mood turns serious and he deals with conflicts with his love-struck daughters.

His train-station scene with Hodel (Melinda Larson), leaving to visit her imprisoned fiance Perchik (Javen Tanner) in Siberia, is genuinely touching. He and Cathy Gene Greenwood as Golde also break down their Ralph-and-Alice-Kramden relationship long enough to do a very sweet “Do You Love Me?” number.

The acting in general is broad (perhaps a natural tendency on that huge stage out in the canyon); the biggest perpetrator there is Yente the matchmaker (Terry Palasz), who says almost all of her lines directly to the audience. Others do this occasionally, too, and all of the daughters seem to lose their Russian accents when they sing. The Rabbi (Daniel Law) is goofy, too, an outrageously old and stooped figure who looks like a guy in disguise.

Generally, though, the show does what it’s supposed to, and the bigness of the production doesn’t limit its intimacy. “To Life” is exuberant and wild; “Sunrise, Sunset” is melancholy and wistful. There are just enough you’ll-only-see-this-at-Tuacahn elements to make it worth seeing here as opposed to somewhere else.

The Music Man

0

If you miss the “Utah!” pageant that used to be performed at the Tuacahn Amphitheatre, go see “The Music Man.” It’s the closest thing to a pageant that’s appeared there since they switched to regular musicals a couple years ago.

This is not, mind you, a good thing. “Pageant” acting means the acting is broad, boisterous and lifeless. Actors speak their lines accurately, but with little sense of comic timing, subtlety, levels or character.

The result? The songs are great. Legendary Utah actor Max Robinson plays con-man Harold Hill with energy and flair, and he and his co-stars enunciate extremely well through the show’s many fast-paced, cleverly written tunes. Brent Schneider’s choreography, while often cheesy (every song ends with all the townspeople’s hands up in the air), is nonetheless enjoyable to watch, thanks to a talented crew of dancers.

The problem, then, is everything BETWEEN the songs. The humor in this show, about small-town American in the 1910s, should come from the endearing, slightly odd characters, from the blustery Mayor Shinn to the fiesty Irish widow Paroo. The lines are often corny by themselves; it takes skillful characterization on the part of the actors to make them funny.

These actors, though, bless their hearts, are just going through the motions. They’re doing it enthusiastically, to be sure, but everything comes across as pure fluff — and unfunny fluff, at that. Marian the librarian (Melinda Larson) sings beautifully, but is positively dead during the moments when she’s supposed to be reconciling her love for Harold with her knowledge that he’s a fraud. She says the lines that indicate slowly changing feelings, but there are no feelings in them.

The other moment of actual emotion in this light-hearted show is when Harold learns that Marian could have exposed him right from the start, but didn’t, because she loves him. Robinson plays that moment nicely, most likely because he’s a good actor, and not because of anything director John Caywood told him. Caywood seems more interested in making the show big than in making it good, directing his actors with practically no eye for humor. There are fireworks at the end of Act II, but for no reason. There are also geysers of water that shoot out of the ground when Harold’s being chased through town, also for no reason.

Robinson’s Harold Hill is charismatic in his singing, as mentioned. But between songs, he doesn’t let us get to know him, much less LIKE him. To some extent, the show is written so that he remains a bad guy until the love of a good woman changes him. But it is possible to make the guy likable, even while we’re not sure we trust what he’s doing. He is, after all, a con man: He should be able to make the audience like him as much as the townspeople do. Robinson somehow accomplishes the dubious goal of being simultaneously charismatic and flat.

That’s the whole show, in fact: charismatic but flat. Plenty of enthusiasm, plenty of talent, but not enough direction in the acting to make it memorable.

Salute to America and Other Election Year Bloopers

0

The Desert Star Playhouse has adapted to its temporary outdoor location like troupers, giving the actors body microphones (which wouldn’t be such a bad idea in their regular theater, actually) and making the audience as much a part of the show as ever.

The bad news is, “Salute to America and Other Election Year Bloopers” suffers from the weakest of plots and an over-long script.

This show is free of the post-show Olio that usually rounds out the DSP experience to 2 hours — and yet the show is still 2 hours. How? Well, the second act, especially, is packed full of Olio-type numbers that are neither funny nor especially entertaining. All they do is slow down the mayhem.

The story is that Penny Print (Kathleen Richardson, over-acting in an embarrassing, Road Show style), a reporter for the Desert Star Gazette Murray News Tribune, is assigned to cover the 2000 presidential campaign. She develops an enemy in Monica Lou Enski (Julie Ann Christensen), a villain who wants to sabotage all the candidates so that the man of her choosing can be president. (Guess who it is.)

So John McCain (Randy Tayler) keeps getting taken hostage, and the others drop out one-by-one. (Orrin Hatch: “I’m busier than a one-legged missionary in a tracting contest.”)

The show is peppered with hilarious moments, and dragged down by dull musical numbers, several of which are mystifyingly pointless. Bill Clinton (Scott Holman, also co-writer and co-director) introduces the show, assuring us that “if you’re like me and you don’t really follow politics,” you’ll still enjoy it.

This is followed by a beauty pageant featuring the main contenders (Al Gore’s hobby: “whittling”), the winner of which, George W. Bush (Holman again), becomes a contestant on “Who Wants to Be the President.”

The stand-out performer is Mary Parker Williams, who plays Elizabeth Dole, a Southern belle, Hillary Clinton and a feisty Primary teacher. Every moment she is onstage, she is hysterical, tossing herself willy-nilly into whatever character she’s playing.

Most of the candidates get their own songs, too, including a highly amusing and tearful number by loser John McCain. Ross Perot (Holman again) and Jesse Ventura (Tayler again) also have a scene that devolves into a water-wienie fight. The scene in which McCain, Bush and Gore (Murphy again) visit an LDS Primary class is classic, particularly with the addition of a marvelously peppy Elian Gonzalez (Jonathon Phipps).

So it’s hit or miss, and more so than usual. The funny moments are indeed funny, but there are too many others that make the show drag on too long. Just like the campaign itself, I guess.

Brigadoon

0

SCERA’s Jerry Elison-directed production of “Brigadoon” is a faithful re-creation of any other production of “Brigadoon” you’ve ever seen, except for a few lines that have been updated for the year 2000.

What has not been touched is the show’s romantic feel — and that description is both positive and negative.

“Brigadoon” is based on the idea that romance (i.e., love) can conquer all — “If you love someone enough, anything is possible, even miracles,” says one of the characters. That includes, apparently, miracles that contradict other miracles and that fly in the face of all reason.

Which is the other definition of “romantic”: imaginative but impractical; pleasant but unrealistic. Bored businessman Tommy (Tony Cobb) and cynical alcoholic Jeff (Shawn Lynn) stumble upon the Scottish village of Brigadoon, which they come to find has had a miraculous spell placed upon it: It disappears for a century at a time, reappearing for only one day every 100 years. Tommy and Jeff happened to have found it on that one day, and while Jeff is warding off the advances of horny milkmaid Meg (Amanda Scheffer), Tommy is falling for cute blonde Fiona (Megan Mack Christensen).

The rule is that an outsider can stay in Brigadoon if he loves one of its inhabitants. Tommy loves Fiona — but does he have enough faith in this incredible miracle to leave behind his life back in New York? To do so is romantic in both senses of the word: motivated by love, and also incredibly impractical.

By the end, the show breaks its own carefully explained rules of who can and can’t come and go in Brigadoon. The coy and mincing teen-age sulker Harry Beaton (Oliver Gaag) tried to leave and got killed for it, but Tommy seems able to return because he loves Fiona a lot. Again, romance.

OK, whatever. It’s a romantic show with some beautiful songs (most notably the unfortunately titled “Come to Me, Bend to Me”). This production is marked by excellent singing voices and a decidedly unhurried pace, most evident in Tommy, played with great moping and inexpression by Tony Cobb.

There is more to good singing, though, than just hitting the notes. Without passion or emotion — or at least some romantic chemistry between the characters — the songs just get in the way of the story. That is often what happens here.

Shawn Lynn livens things up as the wise-cracking Jeff, and Amanda Scheffer is certainly a hoot as Meg, singing about the drunken brawl that erupted at her parents’ wedding — a strange moment that is second only to her downright smutty “Love of My Life” song, in which she sings of her legendary promiscuity. (“We skirmished for hours at night in the glen,” she sings of her affair with a soldier. “And I found the sword was much mightier than the pen.” Wow! At the SCERA!)

The rest of the cast ambles along with enthusiasm and some considerable talent, tucked away in the supporting roles.

Brigadoon is a strange place, and “Brigadoon” is a strange show. Fiona says, “There’s a difference between romancing a girl and just being sentimental because you’re tired.” I think that at one point, the 54-year-old “Brigadoon” was quite capable of romancing its audience. Now, though, it’s just sentimental and tired.

Brigadoon

0

Whether or not you’ll enjoy the Salt Lake Community College production of “Brigadoon,” playing through Sept. 26 at the Grand Theatre on the SLCC campus, depends on whether or not you like “Brigadoon” at all.

“Brigadoon” is one of those “classic” musicals by Lerner and Lowe that is on the order of “My Fair Lady,” “The King and I” and “Carousel” — either you like that style of musical theater or you don’t. For many of the younger generation, louder and faster-paced musicals like “Rent” and “Phantom of the Opera” may be preferable to an old romantic tale like “Brigadoon,” and this production doesn’t really even try to bridge that generation gap (not that is necessarily should — some things are best left as they were originally intended).

For those unfamiliar with the story, it is as follows: Tommy (Shawn Maxfield) and Jeff (Kevin Gollaher), two Americans, are hiking in the woods of Scotland when they stumble upon the unmapped city of Brigadoon. The inhabitants are dressed as though they were living 200 years ago, and indeed we soon find that to be the case. Through some kind of mystical, heavenly, miraculous means, the city of Brigadoon was enchanted a couple centuries back so that it now disappears for 100 years at a time and then reappears for only one day. To the townsfolk, that 100 years is as but a night — they go to bed, and when they wake up the next day, the rest of the world has advanced 100 years, whereas they are only a day older.

As you might expect, Tommy falls in love with local pretty gal Fiona (Kristine Jorgensen) and, once he learns the secret of the town, must decide whether to stay and leave his whole life (including a fiancee) behind, or to go back to the regular world and never see Fiona again (well, unless he lives another 100 years and catches her the next time Brigadoon comes around). The amusingly alcoholic Jeff doesn’t believe any of it anyway, and, like any good friend, he persuades Tommy NOT to follow his heart, and the two go back to New York.

Don’t worry, though. Everything winds up happily, except for Tommy’s aforementioned New York fiancee (Giselle LaVoie), who is rather bewildered by Tommy’s wistful behavior and glassy-eyed stares.

It’s a romantic, illogical story that also contains more than a little oddness — like the melodramatic Brigadoon youth Harry Beaton (Joshua Madsen) who wants to leave the town and is semi-accidentally killed for trying. His somber, bagpipe-accompanied funeral procession comes immediately after the aggressively perky Meg (Peggy Ruth Deming) sings a delightful song about the drunken revelry and fist-fighting that went on at her parents’ wedding.

But it’s the music and the love story in “Brigadoon” that have enchanted theater-goers for several decades, and both of those elements are treated nicely in this production. All the principals have beautiful and clear singing voices, and famous numbers like “Heather on the Hill” and “Almost Like being in Love” are as lovely as you remember them.

Some of the dancing seems a bit superfluous, bordering on what appears to be interpretive dance sometimes, and almost calisthetic other times (it’s Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Celtics”!). You haven’t really experienced life until you’ve seen a woman do interpretive dance while placing a flower on a dead body while a bagpipe plays.

Like Brigadoon itself, “Brigadoon” is a relic from a bygone era. The structure, the musical style, the simple and romantic plot — these are things we don’t see much of in modern musical theater. Whether that’s good or bad is all a matter of perspective, but this production of “Brigadoon” is a relatively solid one.

Fantasia/2000

0

Despite Walt Disney’s personal love of the film, 1940’s “Fantasia” was noteworthy mainly for its technical brilliance. As a movie, it had great music, but was otherwise not terribly interesting or amusing to watch.

One enters “Fantasia 2000” with a certain sense of trepidation, therefore, wondering if this will just be more of the same. I am pleased to report that “Fantasia 2000” is awe-inspiring, entertaining, even touching at times — all while maintaining that perfect blend between pictures and music that can almost make you weep, it’s so beautiful.

Seven new segments are shown here, along with the famous “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” segment, unchanged, from the original film. I’m glad they included it, because it confirmed for me that my recollections of “Fantasia” were accurate: cute, maybe a little magical, but nothing spectacular.

The new segments, by contrast, are stunning. First is Beethoven’s 5th Symphony set to colorful, abstract, Dorito-shaped pieces flying around like birds. There is no story line (maybe a vague connection to “good vs. evil”), but the animation is eye-catching and bold.

Respighi’s “Pines of Rome” is next, and it exemplifies the synergy between music and story better than any other segment. The story is of a family of whales that suddenly learns to fly, and the perils the baby whale encounters with this new skill. It is amazing to think the story was built to match the music, not vice versa, so perfect is the correlation between what the music makes us feel and what the pictures show us.

Another stand-out is George Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue,” set to Al Herschfeld-inspired animation of several disparate Depression-era New Yorkers hoping for better lives. There’s a construction worker who wants to be a drummer; an unemployed man who wants a job; a hen-pecked husband who seeks relief; and a rich little girl who wants affection from her parents instead of being pawned off on the governess all the time.

It is genuinely touching as all these characters, separate from each other, watch the ice-skaters in Rockefeller Plaza and imagine their lives being better. Of course by segment’s end, they have gained their desires, and Gershwin’s music — one of the best compositions of any kind of the 20th century — punctuates it brilliantly.

Other pieces include Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Steadfast Tin Soldier” story set to Shostakovich’s Piano Concerto No. 2; a whimsical story about yo-yoing flamingoes accompanied by Saint-Saens’s “Carnival of the Animals”; Donald and Daisy Duck as separated lovers on Noah’s Ark while “Pomp and Circumstance” plays; and a mythical story of sprites, forests and rebirth set to Stravinsky’s “Firebird Suite – 1919 Version.”

Each segment is introduced by live-action hosts ranging from Angela Lansbury to Penn & Teller. These are mostly forgettable, except for Steve Martin, whose trademark absurdity amuses as always. (“And now here’s Itzhak Perlman,” he deadpans, “who, I’ve just been told, plays the violin.”)

This “Fantasia” has depth, humanity and soul, as well as entertainment value. It compares favorably to the more story-oriented masterpieces like “Beauty and the Beast.” View it not as an introduction to classical music (though it may be suitable for that), but as a wonderfully fulfilling movie experience.

Shaft

0

To paraphrase the title song, that “Shaft” is one bad … movie.

Isaac Hayes’ theme song from the 1971 original, of which this is either a remake or a sequel (the movie itself seems unsure which), is intact and as cool as ever. And the film even starts out that way.

Samuel L. Jackson — who, it must be stated, would be the butt-kickingest man alive even if he were in a quilting bee — plays John Shaft, nephew of the John Shaft from the original “Shaft.” (Richard Roundtree makes a cameo, reprising his role as Shaft the First.) Shaft the Second is a New York City cop, and he don’t play by the rules, as evidenced by his punching suspects in the face. Sure, the one he hits is Christian Bale as an impossibly evil racist man who killed a black guy, but still, you don’t go fist-whipping your collars, even if they are Christian Bale.

Anyway, Bale’s character, Walter Williams, is rich and gets off scot-free, which makes Shaft hang up his badge. Actually, he hurls it like a Chinese star and imbeds it in the wall behind the judge’s head — the first real sign that this movie has crossed the line from campy ’70s-style fun into true badness.

Because for a while there, you notice the wah-wah guitars on the soundtrack, and the fact that Shaft has more attitude than actual good lines, and the fact that every white person is racist and all the bad guys are like comic book characters … and you kind of sit back and enjoy it. It seems intentionally cheesy, as if trying to re-create the look and feel of the films we loved 30 years ago but are now sort of embarrassed by.

But the novelty of ’70s cheesiness wears off after a while, and the film becomes a run-of-the-mill police drama, culiminating in — yes! — a car chase. Shaft’s lines stop being even ostensibly funny (hearing him tell people to “shut the **** up” is only amusing so many times), and a twisty plot involving a Latino drug pusher (Jeffrey Wright) and Williams is nothing new at all.

Add to that an ending that would seem to encourage vigilantism, and you’ve got yourself a film that, while heavy on attitude, is actually pretty light on personality or even entertainment value.

I doubt anyone other than Jackson could have made “Shaft” even as tolerable as it is. Yet even he is more a state of mind — “cool” — than an actual person. His considerable talents help the terrible screenplay, but they don’t rescue it altogether.

Boys and Girls

0

The ads for “Boys and Girls” make it look like another raunchy teen sex comedy, leading people to wonder how it could possibly have escaped with a PG-13 rating.

Well, here’s how: It’s not a raunchy teen sex comedy. It’s not raunchy, it’s not about teens (they’re college students), there’s no sex, and — this is the important one — there’s positively no comedy whatsoever. The commercials and theater trailers (which feature the tagline “Sex Changes Everything”) are appallingly misleading — outright lies, in fact, and infuriating ones.

But even if we disregard the film’s dishonesty in trying to lure people in to see it, and judge it as if we had no preconceived notions, it’s still a bland, lifeless, meandering horror. Freddie Prinze Jr., who cannot act and should stop trying, plays uptight Berkeley student Ryan. Over the course of his college career, he keeps running into Jennifer (Claire Forlani), who is much more carefree and spontaneous. They are clearly in love, but refuse to admit it, remaining friends instead, until one night when they accidentally have sex, which does change everything, though it doesn’t make the movie any more interesting.

They have quasi-philosophical conversations, standing around saying absolutely nothing for 90 minutes, talking about relationships and men and women and blah blah blah, like a hellish mix between “Seinfeld” and “Waiting for Godot.” The movie hardly even tries to be funny, and when it does, it doesn’t work, coming across as vanilla-plain boring. There are long, awkward stretches of silence when the audience just sits and stares in disbelief that this is really happening. (“Do they realize the cameras are rolling?” is what I kept asking myself.) Even though Ryan and Jennifer have “opposite” personalities, Prinze and Forlani manage to still give them both no personalities whatsoever, he with his cement-slab face and post-pubescent squeak, she with her near-whine monotone. This is the movie that plays constantly in Rain Man’s head.

Have I said enough? No. The characters are ill-defined (Ryan is a nerd at first, then mysteriously changes). Ryan’s roommate, Hunter (Jason Biggs, last seen violating the title character in “American Pie”), is a pathological liar who eventually comes clean in a character arc that is completely out of left field.

It is Biggs, though, who provides the film’s only two laughs, including one in which he convinces a girl at a bar that he used to be a monk up until that very day (“I turned in my robe and rosary beads, got my deposit back, and left”).

You read that right. Two laughs. In the entire film. What a devastatingly, punishingly bad film, a dishonest crap-fest so devoid of insight, humor, characterization or plot that it hardly even earns the right to be called a movie.

Titan A.E.

0

“Titan A.E.” looks fantastic. The computer-animated backgrounds and spaceship dog-fights are wonderful, and the more traditional-looking character animation is lively and fluid.

Unfortunately, this movie, like most movies since the 1930s, is a talkie. And when these characters open their mouths, you hear dialogue so trite and generic, you’d swear you were watching every movie ever made all at once. (Typical example: The weapons specialist is warned their their ship is about to be destroyed by the bad guys. “Not if I can help it!” she says, with Han Solo self-assuredness — and that’s not the only time you’ll think of “Star Wars,” or “Star Trek,” or lots of other sci-fi movies, while watching this one.)

In the year 3044, 15 years after the Dredge alien race has destroyed Earth pretty much just for the fun of it, a young Earthling named Cale (voice of Matt Damon) discovers that only he has the power to find the Titan spacecraft. Seems Cale’s dad, among others, built this ship just before Earth got whacked, and the ship has the power to create a new planet and all the life forms that belong on it. Good science-fiction would at least take a stab at explaining how this is possible, but “Titan A.E.” is not good science-fiction.

Cale has a ring that projects a hologram space map of where the Titan is hidden, making him a precious commodity. With the help of fellow homo sapiens Korso (Bill Pullman) and Akima (Drew Barrymore), they run from the Dredge — who, still inexplicably, are bent on destroying all humans — while simultaneously searching for the Titan.

Some characters turn out not to be what they first claimed, and everyone’s surprised, and I think someone dies. Then everyone lives happily ever after.

“Titan A.E.” was written by three men who should have done something incredible: Ben Edlund (TV’s “The Tick”), John August (1999 indie hit “Go”) and Joss Whedon (TV’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”; “Toy Story”). Instead, they’ve done something mediocre. The plot contains not one original idea, and even the dialogue, as mentioned, is derivative and stilted.

Director Don Bluth, an animator who worked on many Disney classics and has since done “The Secret of NIMH” and “An American Tail,” among others, certainly knows how to do a good feature-length cartoon. But here he seems to think that a lot of flashy visual effects, coupled with the sheer novelty of making the first real sci-fi space cartoon, will be enough to entertain us. Alas, it is not.

“Titan A.E.” is like a really pretty girl you think you’re gonna love … until she opens her mouth and proves herself vacuous and uninteresting.

Jesus’ Son

0

A movie that refuses to explain its own title is a movie that is either to be admired for its pluckiness, or reviled for its pretentiousness. “Jesus’ Son” falls into the former category, thankfully, using the considerable (and overlooked) talents of star Billy Crudup to tell an atmospheric, darkly funny story about a 1970s drifter trying to find a place in life.

Crudup plays the unnamed main character and narrator, whose nickname is abbreviated “FH” (the long version is vulgar, so we’ll leave it at that). He begins telling the story in 1974, as he is hitchhiking in search of his junkie girlfriend Michelle (Samantha Morton), whom a guy named John Smith (Will Patton) has secreted off to Mexico. He gets as far as the car accident he’s in, and then decides he’d better back up and give us more background.

So we go back to 1971, when a man sleeping in his VW Bug leads him to a party where he meets Michelle, who is dating the soon-to-be-killed McInnis (John Ventimiglia). FH works with a guy named Wayne (Denis Leary) to make enough money to get some drugs; he also gets a job at a hospital with Georgie (the delightful Jack Black), who helps him steal drugs from the pharmacy. It’s an hour into the film before we catch up to the car accident part again.

In other words, the film’s pace and tone are as laid-back as its main character — who, by the way, is extraordinarily likable. Crudup holds the film together in every way, providing narration that is wry but not sarcastic, and which is full of novelist-style details (he explains to a “T” who John Smith is with just a couple sentences) and near-poetic descriptions.

Probably the most entertaining sequence (in a characteristically black sort of way) is FH’s dealings with the spaced-out hospital orderly Georgie. (When a man comes into the hospital with a wife-inflicted knife in his eye, the nurse says, “We’d better get you lying down,” to which the man responds non-chalantly, “OK, I feel ready for something like that.” The film is full of brilliant, witty dialogue like that, and at times hits upon profundity and wisdom.)

The two accidentally run over a rabbit. When Georgie goes back to salvage it for rabbit stew (using the knife he pulled out of the hospital patient’s eye, by the way), he discovers the rabbit was pregnant and delivers a handful of tiny bunnies, which he and FH decide to keep and raise. The next morning, FH discovers that, as they slept in the cab of the pickup truck, the bunnies slid around behind FH and he accidentally squashed them. That scene, in which FH is sobbing and Georgie is berating him, is both hysterically funny and deeply poignant. It’s a moment that could have been played purely for laughs, but Crudup and insightful director Alison Maclean give it more than that, and I’m glad they did.

Again, I have no idea why it’s called “Jesus’ Son.” There is religious symbolism here and there, and a number of references to organized religion and to Jesus Christ. And near the end, there is a bit of mysticism that seems typical of something taking place in the mid-’70s, but which seems unaccounted for in the film. Why FH’s fascination with the Mennonite couple in Arizona? What IS his place in the world, anyway? The answers to these questions, and others, are somewhat unsatisfying. Still, the film is perfectly evocative of the era in which it takes place, coming across as a cautionary tale about drugs while still maintaining a cheerful, if sometimes moody, attitude.

Butterfly (Spanish)

0

The 1930s were a turbulent decade for Spain. The monarchy fell in 1931, and the ensuing years saw a Republican government in power (viewed by some as communists), with fascist nationalists opposing them, each vying for public favor.

In the midst of this — 1936, to be exact — is when “Butterfly” takes place, showing the effects of the political turmoil on a picturesque little village.

At the center is young Moncho (Manuel Lozano), who is befriended by a kindly schoolteacher named Don Gregorio (Fernando Fernan Gomez). He teaches Moncho lots of philosophical things, like that there’s no such thing as “hell”: “Hate and cruelty are hell,” he says, as the two look for beautiful butterflies and other creatures of the meadow.

He’s also a good teacher, educating his students (and me) in the fact that potatoes and corn did not exist in Spain until Columbus brought them back from the Americas. Huh.

Things heat up politically, and everyone has to choose their sides. History tells us that it’s the Republicans who lose — which means Moncho’s dad (Gonzalo Uriarte) and Don Gregorio have to either stick to their ideologies, or go with the nationalist flow and save themselves.

For the most part, “Butterfly” is a charming, pleasant coming-of-age story, well-acted all the way around. There are poignant moments with Moncho’s older brother, Andres (Alexis de los Santos), and his yearning for a mute married woman.

Moncho and Don Gregorio, too, are a wistful pair, though the film does over-do the “mentor/student” thing a bit, offering little new to the whole “Dead Poet’s Society” genre. Much of Don Gregorio’s philosophizing is portentous and hollow; his “hate and cruelty are hell” statement winds up being the film’s theme. It’s a well-developed theme, and the excellent, bittersweet finale helps, but you can’t shake the feeling that the film winds up being not nearly as deep as it pretended it was going to be.

The Tragedy of Village Inn

0

“The Tragedy of Village Inn”
A Play in Three Acts
By Eric D. Snider

Dramatis Personae:
ERIC, a local man
JOSH, Eric’s research assistant/consultant
JJANA WITH TWO J’S, Eric and Josh’s friend who spells her name wrong on purpose
SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF PAINT, the waitress
FUTILITY AND NEGLECT, non-speaking roles, present for symbolic purposes

ACT I

(Enter ERIC, JOSH and JJANA WITH TWO J’S, at a table at Village Inn. Enter also SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF AN INFLAMMATION. Enter also FUTILITY AND NEGLECT)

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF A MOSQUITO BITE: (surly) What would you like?

ERIC: An Oreo shake. (aside) This is what I always get when I go to Village Inn. I normally patronize the restaurant in Provo’s East Bay region, but this night I have chosen the one in Orem instead. Surely, however, the food available is the same in either establishment, as they are both Village Inn. Though they are separate in location, they are one in purpose and menu options, much like the Trinity.

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF A FIRE ENGINE THAT’S ON FIRE: (sneering) We don’t have shakes on the late-night menu.

ERIC: (aghast) But I always get a shake, even late at night, at the other Village Inn! I also question your calling 10:45 p.m. “late-night.”

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF A SUN-BURNED IRISHMAN: (spitting fire) We don’t do them here.

ERIC: (continuing his futile protest) And when I worked at Denny’s, that’s pretty much all people wanted after 10 p.m., was shakes.

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF CLOTTED BLOOD: (as venomous serpents emerge from her eye sockets) You worked at Denny’s? Eww.

(End Act I)

* * *

ACT II

(Same. One second later.)

ERIC: I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger, then.

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF A FIRE ANT: (while poisoning another person’s appetizer) And what would you like to drink?

ERIC: (still bitter) A shake.

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF THE GAPING MAW OF HELL ITSELF: (while maiming a nearby child) We don’t have shakes.

ERIC: (still bitter) I know.

JOSH: You could totally write a column about this.

JJANA WITH TWO J’S: Can I be in your column?

ERIC: No.

(Exit JJANA WITH TWO J’S. End Act II.)

* * *

ACT III

(Same. Thirty minutes later.)

JOSH: Can I have a piece of cherry pie?

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF CHERRY PIE: (while committing regicide) I’m not sure if we have any….

ERIC: (still bitter) It’s in the same box as the shakes.

SURLY WAITRESS WITH UNNATURALLY RED HAIR THE COLOR OF THE ROSE PETALS IN “AMERICAN BEAUTY”: (destroys American infrastructure; unleashes deadly viral infection; ends all life as we know it)

JOSH: You could totally write a column about this.

ERIC: (still bitter) No, I couldn’t.

(Exeunt all. End of the play.)

Beyond Karaoke

0

While the main purpose of Valley Center Playhouse’s “Beyond Karaoke” seems to be to promote the Utah County-based karaoke company that sponsors it (their catalog is distributed with the play’s program), there’s also a reasonably entertaining show in there, too.

Bryce (Davison Cheney, also director and de facto writer) is the depressed owner of a dumpy bar and grill in Mojave, Calif. He and his sister, the brassy Tammy (Jenifer Pope), run the place, having inherited it from their uncle Mike a few years ago.

Assisting them are Randy (M. Casey Reeves), a carefree young fellow; and Lisa (Kiri Price-Reeves), a timid gal who can’t mix drinks and has a mysterious past.

Not assisting them are any customers to speak of. Randy suggests adding karaoke as an attraction, and Bryce happens to have some karaoke tapes. (I asked the play why Bryce has a box full of tapes consisting of just music, with the vocals all removed and ready for karaoke singing, but the play didn’t answer me.)

The only problem with this plan is that the customers, when they do show up, aren’t courageous enough to get up and sing. So the four employees start doing it themselves, which leads to a full-blown show in which they dress as and impersonate famous singers, all in the hopes of raising enough money to save the bar from foreclosure.

That aspect — “Let’s put on a show to save the (fill in the blank)!” — is a classic musical-theater plot device, and it’s the only thing about “Beyond Karaoke” that is traditional. There is no incidental singing: The characters only burst into song when they’re performing karaoke.

The comedy premise here is that singing familiar songs is funny, and even more so if you add choreography, and even more-more so if you dress up like the original singers, and even more-more-more so if the original singers are not the same gender as you. To the extent that you find this premise funny, the show is amusing.

Cheney does a very funny (and subtly accurate) impression of Louie Armstrong; Reeves and Price-Reeves do a delightful Sonny & Cher, too. Other artists impersonated during the 20-minute karaoke medley finale include Madonna, Vanilla Ice, Michael Jackson and Kool & the Gang.

The script, originally by John Driscoll but heavily altered by Cheney, ranges wildly from the lame to the clever. Lisa’s backstory is ridiculous, and Randy’s attraction to her is more obligatory than anything. But there are also some witty exchanges here and there, particularly dealing with Bryce’s inexplicable cluelessness when it comes to pop culture of the last 20 years. (He asks if Milli Vanilli were “related to Liza Minelli,” and when his sister suggests a medley of songs by heavy-metal group Iron Maiden, he says, “Why do you have to bring Mom into this?”)

Overall, though the show ain’t exactly a masterpiece, it’s certainly enjoyable in a simple, fluffy kind of way. Give everyone credit for giving it their all in a show that is, essentially, a 2-hour commercial for a karaoke company.

Gone in 60 Seconds

0

If you’re a teen-age boy, you’ll love “Gone in 60 Seconds,” because I think it must have been your peers who made the movie.

It’s full of car crashes, high school-level dialogue (someone actually says, “We’ve got company!” while being chased), a plot that develops with sitcom simplicity, dog-poop jokes, crazy nicknames (Sway, Sphinx, Tumbler, etc.), and an awesome musical soundtrack. (It’s almost as if they created the movie just so they’d have an excuse to put all these cool songs somewhere.)

Oh, and Angelina Jolie is in it, too, uttering lame dialogue and trying to fool us into thinking she’s attracted to Nicolas Cage, in one of several scenes of unnecessary and unconvincing backstory.

Cage plays Memphis Raines, a semi-retired professional car thief in L.A. Seems he realized, at some point, that being a crook can actually ruin your life (go figure), so he’s gone straight. He is called into action, though, when his younger brother, Kip (Giovanni Ribisi), following in Memphis’s footsteps, screws up a job and has to steal 50 cars for a generically British bad guy (Christopher Eccleston) as penance. It’s either that, or Kip gets killed.

Memphis can “boost” 50 cars in one night, but even he needs help. So he calls in his old team of regulars. There’s a guy named Sphinx (Vinnie Jones) who doesn’t talk; a wise-cracking black guy put in for comic relief; an old mentor (Robert Duvall); a computer whiz; a Scott Caan (his character’s just a big dough-head, and I can’t think of a better way to describe him than “Scott Caan”); and the aforementioned Jolie, who plays a woman Memphis was supposedly at one time romantic with.

(Some of these characters may actually have been Kip’s friends, brought in as part of his team. After a while — and this movie does go on for a while — you forget who belonged to whom. By mid-film, they’re all working together on the same project, so it probably doesn’t matter.)

Meanwhile, Delroy Lindo (who is an inch away from being Tony Todd) plays a cop who figures out something big’s about to go down. His character, as well as those played by other actors, are woefully underdeveloped. Stock characters are fine for an action film, of course; the problem here is that there are too many scenes suggesting we’re SUPPOSED to care about them. Memphis’s brotherly love for Kip might be sweet, for example, if it weren’t conveyed in generic movie language and cast aside almost as soon as it’s introduced.

One scene has one of Kip’s young, unhardened friends getting wounded. Thanks to Ribisi’s soulful eyes and subtle acting, you sense true friendship and concern coming from him. But that one moment dies in an otherwise loud, emotionless film.

“Gone in 60 Seconds” is cool and stylish, and nothing more. It boasts a spectacularly exciting car chase near the end — but even that eventually regresses into a “Dukes of Hazzard” scenario. It’s strictly for the teens, who will eat up the unimaginative plot, bad jokes and pictures of Angelina Jolie looking hot.

Groove

0

“Groove” offers a look at the underground rave scene, providing an accurate picture of what one night must be like, but without giving any insight beyond the superficial.

Written and directed by first-time filmmaker Greg Harrison, “Groove” is small in scope, essentially beginning one Friday evening and ending the next morning. The focus is a rave in an abandoned warehouse in San Francisco. For those unfamiliar with raves, they are an underground phenomenon in which enterprising young folks set upon any large, unused facility they can find and establish a one-night dance club. Techno music is played by skilled DJs, and drugs — particularly Ecstasy — are usually part of the experience (one of several reasons why the police tend to shut them down — that, and the fact that the participants are usually trespassing).

Word of a rave usually spreads by e-mail, which is how we meet Leyla (Lola Glaudini), a recent New York transplant who sends word out that she needs a ride to the event. Meanwhile, we meet our other principal characters. Neil (Jeff Witzke) and Aaron (Bradley K. Ross) are a gay couple celebrating their one-year anniversary, if they can follow the screwy directions and find the place. David (Hamish Linklater) is a first-timer, coached by his brother, Colin (Denny Kirkwood) and Colin’s girlfriend, Harmony (Mackenzie Firgens). Cliff (Ari Gold) is a college T.A. who understands all the ins and outs of the drugs on the scene and keeps people from over-doing it. Ernie (Steve Van Wormer) is the guy in charge of the whole thing, an ambitious young fellow who wants to run a professional show at all costs.

Shortly after arriving, Colin proposes to Harmony, who giddily accepts. Leyla meets David, who has just tried his first dose of Ecstasy and is marveling at its powers. Creepy womanizer (and, apparently, manizer) Anthony (Vincent Riverside) hits on every girl he can find by offering massages, and winds up making out with Colin, much to the dismay of a rather stunned Harmony. Neil and Aaron, meanwhile, are lost.

All of this is set against the rave background. Much of the dialogue takes place on the dance floor, while other scenes are in a more mellow room away from the loudness. Either way, the soundtrack keeps thumping no matter what: The credits list 39 different songs that were used in the film (a new song every two minutes or so, in other words).

Harrison directs in a very smooth, professional style — and that may be the film’s greatest downfall, at least from an aesthetic standpoint. To truly capture the feeling of a rave, you’d expect some hand-held cameras and quick cuts. Instead, the cameras are mounted and the shots are often extended. Artful, maybe, but a betrayal of his frenzied, energetic subject matter.

He certainly got the music right, and the integral role played by the DJs at such parties is given full weight here. But, not to denigrade Harrison’s work, how hard is that? Get some real DJs and some authentic rave music, and you’ve essentially re-created the proper atmosphere. What we need are some characters to enjoy in that atmosphere.

There are a dozen or so main characters here, and only 83 minutes of movie. Obviously, someone’s going to get the short shrift, and the reality is that nearly everyone gets it. Colin is obviously dealing with some personal issues, but they are barely addressed. David doesn’t approve of his brother’s devil-may-care lifestyle, and initially is wary of his engagement to Harmony. That passes, too, without much resolution. And heaven help the other characters, whose lives are reduced to mere punch lines or plot devices.

Leyla and David have an interesting scene together in which she shares a lot of her history, but it seems like a waste when nothing is ever done with it. Both performances are good, as are several others. But like a rave, when “Groove” is all over, you know you enjoyed yourself; you just wish you could remember more of it.

Treatise on White Trash

0

In this column, I would like to use the phrase “white trash” a number of times. (That number: 12.) However, in these days of political correctness, one is hesitant to use any derogatory term that involves a race, for fear of being called discriminatory. (One wonders how one could possibly be accused of discriminating against one’s own race, but one shouldn’t wonder very hard. When dealing with political correctness, wondering only leads to headaches, not answers.)

I’m a little wary of this anyway, because in a recent column, I implied that the Broadway stages are aflame with homosexuals, which resulted in my being called “homophobic.” This is a term that has never made sense to me. Since when does making fun of someone mean you’re afraid of them? People who make fun of minorities aren’t called “blackphobic” or “Mexiphobic” (which, by the way, sounds like a menu item at Taco Bell). They’re called racists, or bigots, or people who don’t know better than to avoid telling certain jokes in mixed company. But if you make fun of gays, all of a sudden you’re afraid of them — the group that is probably the least threatening of all the groups of people on earth. I can see being afraid of Germans, what with their track record, or extra-terrestrials, what with their probes. But homosexuals? Please. There are far more frightening people around.

Like white trash, for example (also known as rednecks, hicks, Bo Gritz supporters, and the people on “Cops”). White trash scares me because of the sheer size of the group. Head down to any water slide park on a summer afternoon, and it won’t be long before you’re convinced that the world consists of nothing BUT white trash.

The government even has a department for dealing with white trash. It’s called the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, but it should be called the Bureau of White Trash, because if you’ve violated laws in two or more of those areas, take my word for it, you’re white trash.

My recent visit to a water park is what really caught my attention, though. I don’t mean to say that all the clientele there was trashy; indeed, I found quite a few young ladies who were extremely hot in nature, and I was embarrassed to be seen by them every time I disembarked from a water slide and had to dislodge a major wedgie from myself. (Some of those rides, I’m convinced, exist solely to give people wedgies. I got one so bad I could actually taste my swimsuit.)

But there was also an alarming number of super-sized women wearing bikinis. Please note that it was not the size of the women that bothered me; it was the fact that they were intentionally wearing extra-revealing swimsuits, as if oblivious to the fact that not a soul on earth wanted to see them that way. (Being puffy and pasty and forcing those around you to behold your puffy pastiness = white trash.)

I also noticed a number of men whose shorts were hanging down too low, showing most of their boxers underneath. (Wearing boxers under your shorts when you go to a water park, instead of wearing a regular ol’ swimsuit = white trash.) (Making everyone look at your underwear, under any circumstances, aquatic or otherwise = white trash.)

Many of these men also had tattoos on their shoulder blades. I will not argue the merits or anti-merits of tattoos (short version: they’re stupid), but I will say this: Why get a tattoo on a part of your body that you, yourself, can’t normally see? It can only be because you want OTHER people to see it. “Dude,” I imagine the person saying. “It would totally rock if I got this picture of an eagle carved onto my back so that every time I go shirtless in public — which will be often, because I am white trash — everyone will see it and think how cool I am.”

Getting a tattoo solely for the viewing pleasure of those around you = white trash. I hope this has been informative. Thank you and good night.

Black Comedy

0

Springville Playhouse’s production of the gimmick-farce “Black Comedy” is a comical, fast-paced treat.

Would-be artist Brindsley (Brett Merritt) has several things happening all on the same night. His girlfriend Carol (Cyndi Ball) is bringing her military “monster father” (Blaine Sundrud) over, in the hopes of getting his permission for Brindsley and Carol to get married. Also coming over is renowned patron of the arts Georg Bamberger (James McGregor), whom Brindsley hopes will buy some of his art. And because Brindsley is poor and his apartment sparsely furnished, he has borrowed the tasteful decor of his out-of-town neighbor, Harold (Jake Suazo), in order to impress his future father-in-law and the art guy.

Naturally, Harold doesn’t stay out of town long enough, and Brindsley’s ex-girlfriend Clea (Rachel Kimsey), who isn’t totally aware she’s his EX-girlfriend, shows up, too.

Standard farce material so far. What gives “Black Comedy” its twist is that the first 10 minutes of the show take place with the stage in darkness. To the characters, however, everything is normal. Then there’s a power failure, and all the lights go out – meaning, in this backward stage gimmick, the stage lights come ON. Now we see the characters stumbling around in the “dark,” arriving and leaving without each other’s knowledge, and narrowly missing bumping into each other. Every time someone lights a match, or any other small source of light is introduced, the stage lights dim a little bit, and the characters can see. When the matches go out, or the flashlight is turned off, the lights come back to full brightness, and everyone is blind again.

It’s a clever idea, and playwright Peter Shaffer (who also wrote the somewhat more highbrow “Amadeus” and “Equus”) does everything he can with it. When the “he’s-gay-but-we’re-not-saying-so” Harold returns unexpectedly, Brindsley and Carol intentionally stall getting the lights back on so that Brindsley can silently sneak all of Harold’s furniture back to his apartment – right under his nose. And Brindsley’s discovery that Clea has returned is outrageously funny.

The cast, performing on a special preview night with a tiny audience, performed admirably. When the crowd is few in numbers, an actor’s tendency is to pull back: No sense in going whole-hog, making a fool of yourself, when the laughs are going to sound small either way. But Brett Merritt as Brindsley fell over as much furniture and behaved as frantically as required, and Cyndi Ball’s baby-talking debutante Carol was as shriekish and giddy as ever. The rest of the cast (which also includes David Nugent as a philosophizing electrician and Janel Crane as the prim and proper Mrs. Furnival) also performed with enthusiasm and aplomb, and generally with good comic timing.

Big Momma’s House

0

When is a man dressed up as a huge black woman NOT funny? Never! Well, except in “Big Momma’s House,” a film based on the premise that Martin Lawrence is funny merely by being Martin Lawrence, and if you put a floppy prosthetic body and a house dress on him, he’s just that much funnier.

Lawrence plays FBI master-of-disguise Malcolm Turner who, with his easy-going partner John (Paul Giamatti), is sent to spy on a house belonging to Hattie Mae Pierce (Ella Mitchell) — or “Big Momma” as she is known in her sleepy little Southern community. Seems bank robber/murderer Lester (Terrence Howard) has busted out of prison, presumably to seek his former girlfriend Sherry (Nia Long), who everyone believes was his accomplice and who probably has his stolen loot. It’s only a matter of time before Sherry, on the run since Lester’s escape, shows up at the house of her grandma, Big Momma.

Trouble is, Big Momma has gone out of town for a couple weeks. So Malcolm disguises himself as her, using one of those intricately constructed bodysuits and amazing latex faces that can be taken off or put on in a matter of seconds (much like the ones used in “Mrs. Doubtfire” and “Mission: Impossible 2”).

He fools Sherry and her little boy, Trent (Jascha Washington), and then just has to accomplish one thing: Get Sherry to confide in him that she was Lester’s cohort, so that he can arrest her.

Unfortunately, this takes an extremely long time. We’re an hour into the film before he even gets CLOSE to getting any information from her. In the meantime, we have to watch Big Momma deliver a neighbor’s baby, school some street punks in a game of basketball, and beat the crap out of an ornery karate instructor. And it’s all hilarious, because it LOOKS like a fat old black woman doing it, when it’s REALLY a guy in a fat-old-black-woman costume! (You don’t think that sounds funny? Well, take the movie’s word for it. It’s funny.)

This is a movie whose logic dictates that Malcolm’s rubber face will start to come off while he’s calmly cooking dinner (and he re-fastens it with duct tape!), but stays fast when he plays a vigorous game of basketball (during which he slam dunks!).

There are a few laughs scattered throughout this movie, which tries so desperately to be funny that you can practically feel its flop-sweat splashing on you. When Malcolm (as Big Momma) has to deliver the baby, implements such as kitchen tongs, oven mitts and a plunger are gathered by the frantic onlookers. Fortunately, the plunger is not used — a moment of restraint in a movie that earlier made us watch the enormous real Big Momma sit on the toilet, complete with accompanying noises. (This was immediately before she stripped naked and got in the shower, a sight which will haunt my dreams and retard my sleep for years to come.)

But overall, the film relies too heavily on the not-terribly-funny premise that Martin Lawrence in a fat-old-woman suit is automatically funny, regardless of what he says or does with it, as long as he gets bug-eyed and says “Damn!” a lot. (Five times, by my count.) It’s “The Nutty Professor” meets “Mrs. Doubtfire,” but without the humor of the former or the heart of the latter.

Shushing: Impossible

0

“Mission: Impossible 2” is a good movie, but I issue this warning: Do not see it with a stupid person.

I saw the film on opening night at the Wynnsong in Provo. This theater was already on my bad list, due to a problem we’d had a few weeks earlier with an advance screening of “Shanghai Noon,” at which a manager refused to let me or the Disney representative in to see the movie because we didn’t have passes.

The Disney rep tried to explain that it was she who had arranged (and paid for) the screening, and that the people waiting in line wouldn’t even HAVE passes if she hadn’t printed them up and distributed them herself. But the manager refused to understand. You know how with most dumb people, if you talk to them long enough, they’ll finally cave in because they’ll realize they’re never going to grasp what you’re saying, and they’ll assume you must know what you’re talking about?

Not this woman. She wouldn’t budge. She wasn’t just dumb; she was aggressively dumb. She insisted that, in order to see the screening of this movie that we had arranged and that was especially for us, we would have to have tickets. This is approximately like checking Hugh Hefner’s ID before letting him into the Playboy mansion, or running DNA tests on Walt Disney’s frozen corpse before allowing him entrance to Disneyland.

Wynnsong has not been my theater of choice lately anyway, ever since the Cinemark at Provo Towne Centre openede a few monthes agoe, and the “Shanghai Noon” incident just solidified my feelings.

Then there was the “Mission: Impossible 2” incident, which was not really the theater’s fault, but which I am blaming on the theater out of spite. I was sitting next to a guy who had seen the movie already that day, and was now seeing it again with a girl. Because of his foreknowledge of the intricacies of this very uncomplicated movie, he felt compelled, every five minutes, to tell his date, “Watch this.” Never mind that she’d been watching the whole time and wasn’t liable to stop watching now: He was going to tell her, “Watch this,” every time something worth watching happened.

I began to wonder if perhaps she only watched the movie when he told her to, because it turns out this gal was probably no brighter than the aforementioned stubborn manager, who in turn was no brighter than your common sack of apples. After every scene, she would turn to the guy and say, “What?” And then he would explain to her what just happened, in a conversational voice, while everyone in the vicinity wished death upon him for talking so much during the movie.

The movie would say something very, very simple, like, “This is the bad guy, and he’s going to do this, so we need to stop him.” Often, the scenes would have charts and graphs and subtitles in order to make it so incredibly clear what was going on that only the tiniest-brained animal life on the planet, such as slugs and Freddie Prinze Jr., would fail to grasp it. And yet no matter how clearly things were laid out for us, the girl would look puzzled and say, “What?,” and the guy would tell her what the scene just said. And the girl would continue not understanding, until the scene ended, at which point she would forget all about that scene and concentrate on not understanding the next one.

These two get into the theater, apparently, with no problems; I have to undergo a body-cavity search to be let in to the free “Shanghai Noon” screening. The universe is indeed a strange and wonderful place.

M is for the Million

0

Hale Center Theater’s production of “M is for the Million” is eminently enjoyable and boldly silly, thanks mostly to an earnest cast that knows the best way to be funny in a farce is by not trying too hard.

The show’s quality certainly doesn’t come from Jack Sharkey’s script, which is approximately like every farce you’ve ever seen, only not as good. It has some funny lines and some highly amusing situations, but it also has several leaps in logic that are too hard to swallow, even for a farce. (It’s also poorly constructed, with a 35-minute first act followed by an hour-long second act.)

The action takes place on a cruise ship in 1935, where Bradley (Brinton Wilkins) and Meg (Cindy Winkel) are about to be married and embark on their honeymoon. Complications arise when Meg’s snooty mother, Lenore (Kim Wares), arrives onboard, and when it’s revealed that Meg is not Meg at all, but Edith Baxter, the famed advice columnist who is also engaged to Hamilton Cabot III (Peter Biggs), who is the ship’s captain.

The “million” of the title refers to a clause in Meg’s dead father’s will, which may indeed be the most convoluted and stupid will in the history of fictitious wills. It states that Meg will inherit $1 million if she is married by age 25 (which is tomorrow!), but only if she doesn’t KNOW she’s going to inherit the money, ’cause if she knew about it, she might rush into getting married just to get the loot, and a rushed marriage would be bad (even though every single character in this play seems willing to get hitched to total strangers at the drop of a hat, thank you very much, Mr. Sharkey). If she doesn’t get married, her mom gets the money, a fact which delights her oily suitor, the extremely Greek Dimitrios (Nathan Wright).

As mentioned, it’s the energetic cast that makes the show work. Brinton Wilkins is very charismatic as Brad, and Cindy Winkel’s Meg is also quite likable. The two of them make a nice, realistic couple — unusual for such a goofy show.

Kim Wares and Nathan Wright prove that dedication to one’s character, no matter how outlandish, will always pay off. As Meg’s debutante mom and her slick paramour, respectively, they earn many laughs simply by being who they are. Many actors would back down at having to go so over-the-top with these roles, but Wares and Wright stay with it all the way through.

Rounding out the cast are Scott Champion as the floppy-armed, occasionally moustached ship steward; Claire Wilkins as Maisie, his talkative fiancee; Carrie Hill as Olympia, Lenore’s Argentine maid; and Lawton Smith as an African missionary who shows up to perform numerous marriage ceremonies at the end.

After the show ends, the cast comes back for a shortened version of the play, with everyone running around, duplicating their actions in the show and swing dancing while they’re doing it. This is a swell idea, and it shows the cast’s enthusiasm, but it goes on for too long. If it were sped up, it would be darn near perfect, and a great way to end the show.

Still, the show is funnier than it deserves to be, and quite an entertaining way to spend the evening. (Warning: This show contains a man in a wedding gown.)

Bedroom Farce

0

Don’t let the title fool you: Yes, there are bedrooms in this play, but no monkey business takes place in any of them. There’s not much farce, either, though there is quite a bit of gentle absurdity and laugh-out-loud comedy.

Written by legendary British playwright Alan Ayckbourn, “Bedroom Farce” tells of four married couples who are at different stages in their relationships, and whose lives intersect over the course of an evening.

First we meet Ernest (Dan Hess) and Delia (Susan Whitenight), a perfectly quaint middle-aged couple celebrating their anniversary. They are fretting over their son, Trevor (Matt Biedel), a rather dense, insensitive fellow who’s having problems with his wife, Susannah (Amy Dawn Addams), the emotional equivalent of a plane crash. Mom and Dad think Trevor should have married his first love, Jan (Jjana Valentiner Morrill), and Trevor certainly still pines for her. But Jan has married Nick (Ary Farahnakian), a whining businessman currently laid up in bed with a strained back.

While at a housewarming party for the ridiculously playful Malcolm (Casey Paul Griffiths) and Kate (Emmelyn Thayer), Susannah walks in on Trevor kissing Jan. The rest of the play is the aftermath: Susannah goes to talk it out with Delia; Trevor first plans to stay overnight at Malcolm and Kate’s, then goes to Jan and Nick’s to apologize to Nick. And so the entire play takes place in the bedrooms of Ernest and Delia, Malcolm and Kate, and Nick and Jan, all seen side-by-side on the stage.

Susan Whitenight and Dan Hess are perfect as the oldest of the four couples, brilliantly portraying a nice, lived-in relationship. They are very much in love, but are content to discuss the leak in their roof and eat sardines and toast in bed, rather than whispering sweet nothings. This is what every couple hopes to be in 20 years.

Emmelyn Thayer’s Kate is sweetly, smilingly sardonic, polite and charming as she puts others in their places. Thayer, one of BYU’s most graceful beauties, has her comic timing down to a science, and it is only she, Whitenight and Hess whose British accents are consistently good. (Everyone else is hit-or-miss. It’s funny, actually, considering how much talent is in the cast, to think that the British accent is their collective Achilles heel.)

Jjana Valentiner Morrill, a veritable workhorse in BYU theater — she seems to be in every mainstage show, every student project, and every staged reading that comes around — is compelling as Jan, the woman at the center of all the conflict. She still has feelings for Trevor, but loves her husband, too. His current condition of whining and falling around (which Farahnakian does with much humor and physical agility), along with Trevor’s advances, gives her cause to reassess things. Jan is the most complex person in the play, with more to think about than anyone else, and Morrill keeps her feelings close to the surface without fully exposing them. The subtlety is a nice choice, and deftly played by Morrill.

This is the rare small-cast show in which there are no bit parts. All eight actors are given ample opportunity to shine, and while experience causes some to stand out more than others, all eight command the stage at one point or another — from Susannah’s sudden tearful, raccoon-faced entrance, to Malcolm’s off-stage fury at trying to build something from a kit. This is a charismatic, likable group of performers, doing a show that will make you laugh a lot and think just a little.

Fiddler on the Roof

0

What makes “Fiddler on the Roof” such a long-time favorite is that, even though its old-fashioned Jewish characters struggling to keep their traditions in the face of rapid change are far removed from most of our situations, the play has an emotional center that is universal. We all have had to accept changes that were beyond our control, most of us have wrestled with some aspect of our faith, and all parents have wondered how their children grew up so fast.

The Villa Playhouse production of “Fiddler,” alas, keeps everything on the surface, never plunging into the emotions that should propel the action and keep the audience interested. The actors say the lines that indicate their feelings, but there is no sense that they actually have those feelings.

The result is that, while the large cast (40-plus people) sings and acts with vigor, the production is too silly — almost farcical at times — to take it very seriously. And at 2 hours and 45 minutes, it’s too long not to be getting something out of it.

Some aspects are meant to be funny, of course. Tevye’s (David Haenlein) conversations with God are charming bits, and his relationship with his wife, Golde (Joyce Booth), is only intended to be romantic or sweet when they sing “Do You Love Me?” (which in this production really is a nice moment). And of course many songs like “To Life” should be extremely joyful and light-hearted.

The problem here is that nothing is ever less than light-hearted for more than a few moments. When Motel (Brian McFadyen) and Tzeitel (Esther Covington) approach Tevye about the possibility of breaking tradition and getting married without use of a matchmaker, the scene is sitcom-y and goofy. So when Tevye has his monologue and decides to let them go ahead, the decision seems too easy. Where was the huge internal struggle? Where was his balancing his love for his daughter with his devotion to tradition? The lines indicating such a conflict were there, but there was no conviction behind them — plus we’d just seen three minutes of silliness immediately proceeding it, and the change in attitude is too abrupt.

Basically, this is “Fiddler on the Roof,” played as a comedy, with brief bursts of seriousness that don’t work because they’re surrounded by too much levity, and because the actors keep being superficial, even when they’re saying deep things. If that suits you, fine. I think it betrays the original intent of the show.

As usual at the Villa, lighting is a problem, too. Even when the stage is “fully lit,” the sides are dark, and much action takes place there. They need to realize, also, that there are ways of signifying “night-time” besides just turning off most of the lights and making everyone act in the dark. For as light as this show is figuratively, it’s far too dark literally.

The singing is strong throughout, and the actors are generally committed to what they’re doing; there is some real talent here. This is community theater, and I don’t mean to sound like I’m judging it by Broadway standards. But even community theater can avoid the pitfall of trying to create humor where it doesn’t belong, and thereby failing to convey the show’s real emotions.

Fiddler on the Roof

0

“Tradition” is the first song in “Fiddler on the Roof.” Tradition is also at the heart of the show’s theme and message. Tradition is also a dominant factor in the people’s lives in the Russian village of Anatevka.

Tradition is also why people keep going to see “Fiddler on the Roof” whether it’s any good or not.

The SCERA Shell Outdoor Theatre’s current production of the show, directed by Jerry Elison, is a big, lumbering beast of a show, with dozens of cast members tromping around the huge stage for nearly three hours. This is a show that should tug at the heartstrings a little, and that should make one feel a little sentimental, but ultimately this production fails to register much emotion at all.

Perhaps it was the rainy weather that dampened the spirits of the cast members the night I saw the show, but everyone seemed to be merely trudging through it. Even in the big dance numbers (“Tradition,” “To Life,” the wedding scene), dancers were stone-faced as they muddled through their clunky choreography, often embarrassingly out of step with each other. The choreography itself is pretty good — the dancers just need to show some enthusiasm while performing it. Smile a little, for crying out loud!

The show is not without its plusses. Neal Barth truly does bring Tevye to life, one of only a handful of cast members to really show much zeal for his part. He carries the show, with help from Syd Riggs as his wife, Golde. Their “Do You Love Me?” song is one of the few scenes that really connects emotionally with the audience.

“The Dream” is a fast-paced, crazy scene that demonstrates how good the show could have been if only that energy had been consistent throughout the whole production. The same goes for when the wedding threatens to turn into “The Jerry Springer Show,” with Tevye and Lazer Wolf (Bart Schaerrer) arguing over brides and chickens, and the whole town taking sides. You start to think, “Hey, NOW things are picking up!” — and then the show falls back into its rut again with another big, slow-moving dance number.

The three daughters (Katy Worlton, Angela Boyle and Alisa Green) show promise with their first song, “Matchmaker,” singing beautifully and with energy. But as they get bogged down with their various boyfriends and, eventually, husbands, their characters fade away and the audience stops caring about them. Tzeitel (Worlton) and Motel (Robinson Duffy) get one very nice scene together with “Miracle of Miracles,” and Tevye’s train station farewell with Hodel (Boyle) is sweet, but that’s about it. Everything else is just activity, just business, just movement and words, with precious little passion.

Pacing is a problem here. The time between scenes could be cut down — perhaps it will be as the show continues its run and the kinks gets worked out — but things could move a little quicker DURING the scenes, too. The show just seems so lifeless. Again, it could be the weather.

It doesn’t matter why, in the end. “Fiddler on the Roof” is such a well known and well loved show, people will see it anyway.

Passion of Mind

0

“Passion of Mind” benefits from a fascinating premise, a lush musical score by Randy Edelman, and a solid actress — Demi Moore — in the lead.

It suffers, however, from that same fascinating premise, which we will discuss momentarily.

Moore plays Marie, a young widow living in France with her two daughters. She has a lazy, lay-about sort of life, the sort of pleasantness that exists only in movies and dreams.

Speaking of dreams, every night when she goes to sleep, Marie dreams she’s someone else — high-powered Manhattan literary agent Martha “Marty” Talridge, living a single, unattached life of money and ease. And when Marty goes to bed at night, she dreams she’s Marie in France.

Both worlds seem so real that Marie/Marty has no idea which one is the dream world and which is her actual life. Her therapists (she has one in each place) and friends insist, of course, that THEY’RE real — but even characters in a dream would say that, obviously, so their assurances aren’t much help.

The plot thickens as Marie meets William (Stellan Skarsgard), and Marty meets Aaron (William Fichtner). Both couples (or is it a threesome?) fall in love, and Marie and Marty both tell their lovers about this mental quandary. William and Aaron are both far more understanding than is realistic: “I love you, but I also have a dream life that I think might be my REAL life (which would make YOU not real, of course), in which I’m sleeping with another man.” This would turn many men off, but not these two stalwarts.

One is inclined to think that the French life is the real one, simply because it’s the first locale shown in the movie, and it’s the first place where the possibility of the other life being imaginary is mentioned. Simply because it’s first doesn’t necessarily give it precedence, of course, but that’s the gut feeling you get in watching the film.

The problem with “Passion of Mind” is stated by both psychiatrists. The one in France (Peter Riegert) says the Manhattan life must be fake, because it’s so ideal: No family life to tie her down, money for anything she wants, able to get any man she chooses, etc. The shrink in Manhattan (Joss Ackland) says France has to be the dream world because IT’S so ideal: Picturesque country-side, loving children, a nice villa to live in, etc.

Both doctors are right: Both worlds ARE idyllic. And idyllic, frankly, is boring. For as pleasant and/or exciting as either lifestyle may seem, to actually live either one, day in and day out, would grow extraordinarily tiresome. And just WATCHING someone live either one is even less interesting than living it yourself, I’d wager.

Of course, that’s sort of the point: Whichever life is not real, the reason she’s dreaming it is as an escape from her boring real life. The conundrum is that the dream life is just as boring, in its own way, as her real one.

The film eventually becomes boring, too. By the time it’s determined which life is legit, and the reasons for Marie/Marty’s imagining the other one are established, you’re glad to find out, but it’s not any kind of emotional climax. There’s some pretty mawkish dialogue near the end between Marie and her daughters, too, which doesn’t help the already-unsatisfying resolution.

Moore is surprisingly good in her part, which is almost a dual role but not quite (both women, for all intents and purposes, have the same personality). She helps the film overcome most of its stumbling blocks, making “Passion of Mind” a literate movie, if not always a terribly fascinating one.

8 1/2 Women

0

This boring bit of European soft porn features characters who never stop talking about their private parts, the private parts of others, and sex. They also have huge piles of sex, in various unsettling combinations and situations, though this is never shown. It’s the rough equivalent of a sighted person explaining a Jackie Chan movie to a blind man: You get the idea, but frankly, hearing about it without seeing it is dull.

Not that actually seeing the sex would make the film any better; it would just make it more titillating. Writer/director Peter Greenaway apparently thinks his film is funny, and while there are some humorous moments (a man’s refusal to wear black to a funeral results in his assistants giving him the black clothes right off their backs), the tone is overall too muted, the emotions too restrained, to cause anything more than a mild chuckle.

The story is of a millionaire businessman named Philip Emmenthal (John Standing) whose wife dies suddenly. Seeking to help him re-find his sexuality and sense of excitement, his son, Storey (Matthew Delamere), talks to him about sex. All kinds of sex, with all kinds of people. They look at each other’s naked bodies. They sleep naked together. They engage in threesomes with women. The sex just never stops, and soon Philip is as caught up in the whole lifestyle as Storey.

As I said, none of this sex is shown. It is merely discussed. Endlessly.

Eventually, father and son put together a harem of 8 1/2 women — the “half” refers to the fact that one of the women is an amputee, just one example of the film’s grotesque misogyny. These women fulfill the men’s various fetishes (one shaves her head; one paints herself like a Geisha) and live in the mansion, enjoying lives of luxury in exchange for their bodies.

Greenaway may have intended a point with the film’s final act, in which things go slightly awry at the harem. But none of the characters learns anything, and no one comes out any better than when they started (except, arguably, for the ones who wind up dead).

Befitting the film’s attitude, the performances are porn-quality, the actors speaking their lines quietly and without conviction.

Early on, before he comes to embrace the hedonism, Philip says, “All this narcissism is rather boring, isn’t it?”

I love it when movies review themselves.

Kikujiro (Japanese)

0

“Kikujiro” is a failure of a movie, an utter mess that manages to be irritating and offensive IN ADDITION to being the worst thing a film can be: deadly boring.

There’s this young boy, Masao (Yusuke Sekiguchi), a lugubrious, puffy-faced lad who lives with his grandmother because his dad is dead and his mom is off working somewhere to support him. School gets out for the summer, and his one friend takes off with his family, leaving poor sullen Masao with nothing to do but sit around and be sullen.

Desperate for entertainment, he takes whatever money he can find and heads out for where his mom supposedly is. His grandmother’s friends, Kikujiro (“Beat” Takeshi) and his wife (Kayoko Kishimoto) spot him, and the wife (we never learn her name; we don’t even learn Kikujiro’s until the last two minutes of the movie) sends Kikujiro with the boy.

Clearly, Mrs. Kikujiro is a few grains short of a rice bowl. She of all people should know how irresponsible, immature, grumpy and stupid her husband is, yet she leaves a young boy in his charge for a multi-day journey. Also, she sends them off together and THEN tells the grandmother, rather than asking her permission first.

The first thing Kikujiro does is call the boy a brat a bunch of times. I believe this is supposed to be amusing and endearing. It doesn’t come across as abusive or mean-spirited; however, it’s the furthest thing from funny, too.

The second thing they do is go to the racetrack and lose all their traveling money. Now they have to steal a cab, which they wreck, so they have to hitchhike, which keeps backfiring because Kikujiro is such a jerk to everyone. (Again, I believe he’s meant to be a “funny” jerk.)

More shenanigans: To get people to stop and give them a ride, Kikujiro has Masao put nails in the road to create flat tires. After that results in a possible homicide (HA HA!), Kikujiro has Masao look all sad and forlorn (more so than usual) and ask people who have pulled into a rest area to please give him a ride.

If Kikujiro’s exploitation of the boy is mildly unsettling, try this on for size. While the stupid grown-up is drinking in a bar, Masao gets whisked away by a child molester. We catch up with them in a public restroom, where the man is forcibly trying to pull down the boy’s underpants. Kikujiro arrives in the nick of time and punches the guy out. Then, after dismissing Masao, he tries to get the pervert to do to him whatever he was planning to do to Masao — to teach him a lesson, you know — which the man refuses to do.

Have you got that? The movie has the boy almost get molested, and then PLAYS IT FOR LAUGHS! Worse, the issue is not addressed after that, except in a brief nightmare the boy has. You don’t just throw in a near-molestation unreservedly. You decide whether it’s really an integral part of the film, and if it is, you make sure you deal with it adequately. Poor Masao is given no sympathy or support. He’s just an orphan boy trying to find his mom, being guided around by a maddeningly cloying middle-aged man in arrested development. Then he has a seriously traumatic experience and no one gives it a second thought.

If “Beat” Takeshi were here right now, I would “beat” him over the head with something. He reminds me of the generic actors who always appear in “Godzilla” movies whose only function is to be comic relief, look wide-eyed at the monster, and then say something lame as they run away, like a Japanese Shemp Howard. Would you want to watch an entire movie with one of those guys as the main character? Of course not.

When the film isn’t treating us to lengthy shots of the man and boy sitting at bus stops or standing on the side of the road, its making us watch Kikujiro do dumb things that are supposed to be funny, like pretending to be blind to arouse sympathy from passing motorists. Humor is clearly the intention here, but the musical score is all strings and pianos, like it’s “Chariots of Fire” or something.

They run into several characters along their journey, none of whom help them. In the end, Kikijuro has apparently been softened and made to be more of a nice guy. Darned if I know how that happened, though. I don’t think Masao says more than 50 words to him the whole movie.

Shall we talk logic? The actual fate and/or identity of Masao’s mom is not fully explained. It would appear Grandma omitted some details, but it’s not clear. Masao and Kikujiro don’t have enough money to take a bus back to wherever they live, but they seem to have enough to buy food (apparently; it’s never shown, even though they’re gone for several days) and play carnival games. Kikujiro gets what he wants from people by ordering them around, and they always listen for absolutely no discernible reason whatsoever.

It’s labored, pointless and just plain bad. Where’s Godzilla when you need him?

On Broadway

0

Here’s what New York City is currently angry about: everything. This is evidenced by the fact that every single driver in Manhattan is honking his horn constantly, and has been doing so since the island was first purchased from the Indians (which I suspect may have been why they were so eager to sell).

The major thing causing anger, though, is that Broadway’s longest-running show, “Cats,” is closing. Actually, this does not anger New Yorkers; in fact, they hate the show and would like to, figuratively speaking, run it over with their cars and/or put it to sleep. (I’ve seen it, and I know it can’t be fixed.) What angers them is that it was supposed to end in June, but after that announcement was made, all of a sudden everyone wanted to see it — if a show is going out of business, it must be really good, being the apparent logic — and so now it’s been extended into September. Here they thought they were finally going to be rid of this thing, and now it’s going to stink up the whole summer. As if New York doesn’t smell bad enough already.

So theater-goers are mad about that, and everyone in New York considers himself or herself a theater-goer. (I really did overhear a delinquent-looking, saggy-pantsed, prison-bound teenager say, on a pay phone, “Yo, dawg. We seein’ ‘Rent’ tonight, or whassup?”)

I can understand the animosity toward “Cats.” It’s a plot-free show full of tuneless Andrew Lloyd Webber songs about different kinds of cats. It’s also an example of false advertising. The show is called “Cats,” yet is there a single feline in it? No. “People Dressed Like Cats” would be an appropriate title, as would, “This Show Has Been Around a Long Time, So It Must Be a Classic, So Please Buy a Ticket.”

One show that apparently does not falsely advertise is the current Off-Broadway sensation “Naked Boys Singing.” As I understand it, this show consists of naked boys singing, just as the title implies. (Actually, though my knowledge of child-labor laws is admittedly non-exhaustive, I suspect it should actually be called “Naked MEN Singing.” But that’s still more honest than “Cats,” and just as indicative that we’re very near the end of civilization.) I don’t know if the songs they sing have to do with being naked, or if it’s just random songs that are more enjoyable to listen to if the singer is naked, or what. All I know is, I’ll bet there are no open flames in the show. Open flamers, sure, but that can be said of any Broadway show.

“Naked Boys Singing” is such a descriptive title for a show, I think all plays should follow suit. “Fiddler on the Roof” should be “Jewish People Singing.” “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” should be “Sexist Men Kidnapping.” “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” should be “Utahns Paying Money to See the Same Show Over and Over Again.”

Speaking of Broadway, the other current sensation in New York is Tim Rice and Elton John’s new collaboration, “Aida” (or, “Elton John Not Going Away,” as it should be called). According to the program, it was “suggested by the opera” of the same name. (“Hello, Mr. Rice? This is ‘Aida.’ Listen, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but I would strongly advise that you and Mr. John write a Disney-fied pop version of the classic tragic opera, me.”) This musical features everything you could want in a show: singing, dancing, and ill-fated lovers being buried alive. If only they were naked, or dressed as cats, then it would be perfect.

Voices from Black Canyon: A Hoover Dam Kaleidoscope

0

“Voices from Black Canyon: A Hoover Dam Kaleidoscope” is an avant-garde, experimental play depicting the horrid conditions under which the Hoover Dam was built during the Great Depression.

The BYU production, directed by Rodger Sorensen, plays its experimental nature to the hilt, with an ensemble cast delivering a highly stylized, presentational method of acting. Oh, and the whole thing is simultaneously performed in English and American Sign Language, too. (Why not?)

Surely there are interesting stories to tell about the men and their families behind the building of the dam, many of whom died during the process. But this play chooses not to tell them, instead focusing on the abstract and general: “You lie on your back, you can still hear the tunnel, you can smell the latrine,” says one nameless character, directly to the audience (namelessness and speaking directly to the audience are the play’s modus operandi). The image is effective, but rather than drawing us into the life of any particular worker, it makes it clear that this was how it was for everyone (“you”).

And so there is very little plot, except for this: The working conditions are ridiculously inhuman, with most of the workers and their families living in tents without running water, enduring blistering heat. The boss is more interested in building the dam in a hurry than in coddling his workers. If they quit, there are huge unemployment lines full of willing replacements.

So there’s an ineffectual strike that lasts six days. There’s also, curiously enough, a subplot about a brothel in which a doctor is allegedly giving the prostitutes placebos instead of the real medication they need for their venereal diseases. This helps establish the squalid lifestyle of the dam builders, if we needed more reassurance of it.

And that’s just the thing: We don’t need any more evidence that building the Hoover Dam was a dreadful experience. The program notes explain in detail what went on during that period, and the play doesn’t tell us anything more, making either the program or the play superfluous. The focus shouldn’t be how awful things were, and yet it is. There is precious little attention to individual stories, the human dramas that would make the play compelling. We are TOLD about the deaths of many people, but only one or two whom we are actually acquainted with (and even then, only superficially).

The play is often poetic, even lyrical, and there is often much beauty in its language. And while the show is unquestionably unusual, it does not come off as pretentious or weird-just-to-be-weird. The hard-working cast seems earnest about what they’re doing, and certainly deserves credit for that. Watching the play, though, is more of an academic endeavor than an enjoyable or thought-provoking night out at the theater.

Mission: Impossible 2

0

The star of “Mission: Impossible 2” is … the director, John Woo.

Easily the best action-movie director currently living on Earth, Woo has powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. With his trademark slow-motion shots and spectacular stunts, his action sequences are as breathtakingly well-crafted as any of Orson Welles’ or Alfred Hitchcock’s famous set-ups. Woo’s genre may not command as much respect, but he is no less skilled at what he does than were the old masters at what they did.

As for the movie, well, it’s not nearly as confusing as the first one, if that’s at all encouraging, and it’s more like a James Bond movie (albeit an ultra-hip one) than the last few James Bond movies have been.

Impossible Missions Force super-spy Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) is back, this time sent to recover a deadly man-made virus called Chimera, and to locate its antidote, too. Seeking to thwart him is Sean Ambrose (Dougray Scott), an IMF agent who has gone sour on the whole “law and order” thing and intends to use the disease and its cure for his own monetary gain. Fortunately, master thief Nyah Nordoff-Hall (Thandie Newton) is not only a master thief, but a former lover of Ambrose’s, making it no difficult feat for her to re-enter his life, get the goods, and get out.

Alas, there are complications, as complications there must always be. One major one is that Ambrose, having worked closely with Hunt before — he even played his double a few times — knows Hunt all too well. He knows Hunt’s favorite methods of operation, and is able to head him off at the pass.

The first film’s most famous scene was the unbearably suspenseful sequence in which Hunt hangs precariously from a wire in an all-white room full of alarms that go off at the slightest change in sound level, temperature or movement. This one doesn’t have anything that quietly unsettling, but it does have a spectacular motorcycle chase — that’s right, a good old-fashioned motorcycle chase — that is among the best we’ve ever seen in a movie, not to mention numerous other action-packed scenes.

The movie’s flaws are few, but noticeable. The dialogue is surprisingly good for an action film, but there are a few clunkers here and there, and they’re embarrassing. (“Stay alive!” Hunt yells to Nyah. “I’m not going to lose you!”) And while the action is hot when it comes up, there are long passages of slowness, almost tedium, as we wait for the story to pick up again.

And the story itself, of course, is positively ludicrous, relying quite heavily on the use of rubber masks that look exactly like other people, and devices that can make your voice sound like theirs, too. This would be fine as a one-trick thing. But several MAJOR plot points revolve around this impossible technology, straining credibility almost to the breaking point.

But of course you don’t go to one of these things because you want a documentary. As popcorn thrillers go, “Mission: Impossible 2” has set the bar high for the summer blockbusters. Let the games begin.

Road Trip

0

“Road Trip” really, really wants to be the next “There’s Something About Mary”: a gross-out teen comedy that is critically praised for its outrageous, albeit crass, humor. The only thing stopping it is the fact that it’s not funny, largely because it doesn’t chart any new territory. We’ve been grossed-out before, and in ways far more clever than the ones here.

There’s an old man who takes Viagra and smokes pot! Someone steals something from a blind person! The nerdy college student finally has sex! Sometimes you can overlook offensiveness because it’s so taboo-breaking, it’s funny. But these taboos have already been broken by other movies. Now it’s just rehashing stuff we’ve seen before, and instead of laughing at it, we revert back to our original reaction of being either disgusted or bored by it.

University of Ithaca student Josh (Breckin Meyer) is trying to carry on a long-distance relationship with childhood sweetheart Tiffany (Rachel Blanchard), who is at college in Austin. Josh’s stereotypically horny friend E.L. (Seann William Scott, last seen being decapitated — and not soon enough — in “Final Destination”) encourages Josh to give up the idea of fidelity, however, and make hay while the sun is shining.

To that end, Josh gives in to the advances of the nubile Beth (Amy Smart) at a college party. He even agrees to let her videotape the sexual proceedings; that tape, naturally, is then accidentally mailed to Tiffany.

The dilemma now? How to apologize to Tiffany for the unfaithfulness? How to explain to Beth that this was just a one-time thing? How to regain some sense of dignity after such an embarrassing mistake?

No! The dilemma is how to get to Austin before the tape does, and keep Tiffany from receiving it! So Josh, E.L., and Josh’s pot-smoking roommate Rubin (Paulo Costanzo) convince freshman nerd Kyle (DJ Qualls) to take his car and drive to Austin.

Before long, they destroy the car in a sequence that hints at the sort of manic fun a movie like this COULD contain. The characters and their contrasts work well against each other, making it a nice ensemble piece … for that one scene. Apart from that, the characters are all either non-descript (like Josh, our hero, whom we know nothing about, not even his major), or generic (like the nerd Kyle who does everything in a nerdy way and eventually triumphs over his nerdiness by having random sex and is therefore no longer a nerd).

To get to Austin, the foursome steals a bus from a school for the blind; to make some cash, they sell their sperm at a sperm bank; and their pal Barry (Tom Green, MTV’s latest crime against humanity) stays back at the dorms and licks a mouse before feeding it to a snake. (There’s not enough mouse-licking in films these days.)

Tom Green’s presence in the movie is completely unnecessary, though that might go without saying. His character is the narrator of the story, but other than that, he interacts only slightly with his classmates. And yet, his brand of deadpan stupidity is about the only funny thing in the movie. His MTV show wears thin after one or two viewings, but in small doses, his penchant for doing something asinine — and then continuing to do it for much, much longer than you’d think he would — can be very entertaining.

But when your only funny character is the one who could be omitted entirely without changing anything, you know your movie’s in trouble.

“Road Trip” is aimed at teen-agers, but they shouldn’t see it. It’s far too crass and filthy, with way too much sex and nudity; besides, none of the characters learns anything, and the ultimate “moral” of the story (avoid responsibility, lie, and follow your hormones) is not one you’d want your kids embracing.

Too filthy for teens, too unfunny for adults. This movie has no audience. So long, “Road Trip.”

Dinosaur

0

“Dinosaur” is a technical triumph, the most seamless blending of live-action scenery with computer-animated characters ever seen on film.

Unfortunately, what the film lacks is a good story, good characters, and good humor.

No one is a greater fan than I am of Disney’s recent animated films (“Beauty and the Beast,” “Aladdin” and the “Toy Story” pictures are among the best movies ever made, animated or otherwise), so it pains me to say that “Dinosaur” is a disappointment.

The miniature plot has a dinosaur egg winding up, through happenstance, on an island inhabited by lemurs. When it hatches, gentle mother lemur Plio (voice of Alfre Woodard) takes the baby iguanadon into her care, though her father, Yar (Ossie Davis), who runs the tribe, is wary of allowing a dinosaur into their midst.

Except for the absence of Phil Collins songs (and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing), so far this movie is pretty much last year’s “Tarzan” all over again. The dinosaur, Aladar (D.B. Sweeney), grows up amidst the lemurs, and is particularly friends with young Zini (Max Casella). But he longs to find one of his own species, especially after seeing the lemurs all hook up on the annual mating-ritual day.

Then come fireballs from the sky — meteors, chasing Aladar and the lemurs off the island, across the water, and back to where Aladar’s egg originally came from. They meet up with a group of various vegetarian dinosaurs, all migrating to the fertile nesting grounds under the leadership of the relentlessly hard-nosed Kron (Samuel E. Wright, best known as Sebastian the crab in “The Little Mermaid”).

Aladar soon runs afoul of Kron by suggesting a more gentle pace of travel, one that will accommodate aged brontosaurus Baylene (Joan Plowright) and triceratops Eema (Della Reese). Kron is a “survival of the fittest” kind of guy, and he doesn’t like having his leadership questioned. He also doesn’t like Aladar hitting on his sister, Neera (Julianna Margulies); frankly, I don’t care much for it either, since it seems like a tacked-on romance put there just because these things are always supposed to have romance in them.

The best word to describe “Dinosaur” is “forgettable.” Where Disney films usually have some amount of humor, there is practically none here. There are no funny characters, or even characters that particularly stand out. The voice work from Sweeney as Aladar is passable, but nothing more; only Plowright and Reese, as the two old dinosaurs, really stand out as memorable, and that’s far from being enough to carry the whole movie.

The film is not boring, but neither is it especially engaging. The characters are not annoying or stupid, but neither are they very real or special. In short, “Dinosaur” is an insignificant little film that makes you kind of shrug your shoulders and say, “Eh. Whatever.”

Shanghai Noon

0

As much as I enjoy Jackie Chan, I’m going to have to say it: The best thing about “Shanghai Noon” is his partner, Owen Wilson.

Wilson’s method of line-delivery, in which he sounds like he’s ad-libbing everything (and often is, from what I understand), has worked extremely well for him in quirky films like “Bottle Rocket.” His voice is both sardonic and naïve-sounding, sort of a polite whine, and he has a way of tossing off lines like they were afterthoughts that is endlessly amusing.

This style is downright hilarious in “Shanghai Noon,” in which he plays Roy O’Bannon, an 1881 Wild West train robber. He has all the accoutrements of a bad guy (including his own band of outlaws), but the sensibilities of a modern-day softie. (He stops to reflect on the musical sound of a rushing stream, for example.)

O’Bannon meets up with Jackie Chan’s character, Chon Wang, when Chon is sent from China to rescue the kidnapped Princess Pei Pei (Lucy Liu) from a Chinese labor camp (recall that it was the Chinese who slaved away at building the railroads in the American west). Together, they become a duo that, yeah, is your typical movie “odd couple,” where the humor is supposed to result because the two people are so different. What sets Chan and Wilson apart, though, is that they actually ARE funny together, and not just because of the contrasts involved. Wilson’s character is so hard to define — he’s an inept criminal and a sensitive guy, but not in the generic way those types are usually shown in movies — that the humor must, of necessity, come from his and Chan’s interaction, not their inherent racial or other differences.

And so we have Roy trying to teach Chon how to ride a horse and shoot a gun, and Chon showing Roy a Chinese drinking game. Roy learns loyalty and respect from Chon, and Chon learns Wild West law (i.e., anarchy) from Roy. (OK, so the lessons aren’t very deep. So what?)

Wilson manages his scenes without Chan just fine, carrying things along with his understated humor and charm. Chan does not fair so well. When he’s not fighting, he needs to be partnered with someone, and even though this is a buddy picture, it’s 45 minutes into it before the two buddies officially team up. This should happen sooner, because Wilson and Chan make a fantastic comedy duo.

Chan’s trademark martial arts skills are no less impressive here than they have been elsewhere (one just wishes he’d use them more during that slow first act). In fact, the man is amazing. What makes his fighting so much more entertaining than even the Master, Bruce Lee’s, is that Chan uses his environment. He knows we have short attention spans, and that we’ve seen enough hand-to-hand combat to where it no longer interests us. So when he’s fighting Indians in the woods, he uses tree branches. In a barroom brawl, he uses the antlers from a stuffed moose head. In a street fight, he uses a horseshoe tied to a rope. One suspects that, were he underwater, he’d use a scuba mask and a jellyfish to beat the crap out of his opponents. His acrobatic, gravity-defying moves are a wonder to behold, and this film gives him plenty of opportunity to show them.

“Shanghai Noon” takes too long to get going, and occasionally resorts to stupid movie tricks like Roy accidentally saying something disparaging of Chon and Chinese people in general, leading to a rift between the two buddies. But plot holes and small missteps aside, the movie is wonderfully, smartly funny, an entertaining treat to watch.

Small Time Crooks

0

Woody Allen has made a career of doing films that critics love and audiences ignore. For the first time in a quarter-century, he may finally have a popular success with “Small Time Crooks,” by far his most accessible, pleasant comedy in years.

Allen plays Ray, a middle-aged schlub in New York with a menial job and a checkered past: He used to be an inept criminal, and he did some time. His wife, Frenchy (Tracey Ullman), loves him all the same, and they have a “Honeymooners” relationship, constantly bickering (“Always with the wise-cracks!” Ray says of his wife) in that endearing New York way we’re so fond of.

Ray comes up with a scheme to get them out of New York and down to Florida (the promised land for Manhattan Jews, apparently). There’s a vacant store two doors down from a bank. Ray proposes they buy the building and open some phony business as a front while Ray and some of his dim-bulb buddies secretly dig a tunnel into the bank from the basement.

The phony business? Well, Frenchy’s pretty good at baking cookies, so they go with that. Ray and his pals prove to be just as useless at digging tunnels as they were at committing crimes, and the bank heist is a disaster. In the meantime, though, Frenchy’s cookies have become extremely popular, and the movie flashes forward one year, when Sunset Cookies is a Fortune 500 conglomerate, with franchises all over the country, and Ray and Frenchy are incredibly rich.

The rest of the film deals with that scenario. They suddenly have what they supposedly always wanted, and they’re hobnobbing with the elite. They soon learn, however, that there’s a difference between wealth and sophistication. They’re richer than anyone at the parties they go to, but they don’t know squat about high culture.

Ray doesn’t care. He just wants to be a regular guy again. Frenchy, though, enlists the aid of snooty art salesman David (Hugh Grant) to teach her about art, opera and culture. (“I want to learn how to spell Connecticut,” Ray says, completely disinterested in Frenchy’s ambitions.) David, though, may have ulterior motives in regards to Frenchy’s money.

This is a whimsical, light-hearted movie, with almost no point whatsoever. A comparison was made earlier to “The Honeymooners,” and in truth, it plays out like a long episode of that show. Ralph has a get-rich-quick scheme, it doesn’t work, Alice rescues him, they try to be something they’re not, and they eventually realize they’ve made a mistake and everything goes back to normal. There are a few twists along the way, but that’s essentially it.

It’s a little unfortunate mid-way through the movie, when Ray’s friends disappear from the scene. Played by Tony Darrow, Michael Rappaport, George Grizzard and Jon Lovitz, they’re a fabulous bunch of losers and imbeciles. Their absence, however, is compensated for by the presence of Frenchy’s cousin May (Elaine May), a fantastically dense woman who just might be the most endearing character in the film. She’s certainly the funniest, stealing many a scene right out from under Woody Allen, which is no small feat.

Badvertising

0

I consider myself to be at least as smart as the next guy (even smarter, if the next guy paid money to see “Battlefield Earth”), but I don’t understand advertising.

Specifically, there are some particular advertising and marketing strategies that simply escape me. For example:

Movies at the video store that say “In Glorious Black & White” on the cover. Who do they think they’re fooling? Do they think that attaching the word “glorious” to it somehow makes black and white better than color? Oh, sure, who needs the bright, vivid hues of real life when you can have the muted, ugly tones of Glorious Black & White?”

(Interesting fact about black-and-white movies: Humphrey Bogart is lucky to have worked during that era, because not only were people more accepting of tiny, huge-headed trolls in those days, but more importantly, he suffered from terminal jaundice. His skin was a bright, solar yellow all the time — but you can’t tell in the black-and-white movies.)

Cocoa Krispies. Well, I understand the concept of the cereal; it’s Rice Krispies, but with brown-colored sugar added to make it unhealthy. What I don’t get is the box. On it, there’s a picture of a monkey. Not a cartoon monkey mascot, like Tony the Tiger or Toucan Sam, but an actual photograph of an actual monkey. What message are they trying to send here? Does the cereal TASTE like monkey? Is it made from monkeys? (“Cocoa Krispies: You can really taste the monkey!”)

That guy on the Totally Awesome Computers commercials. Is this the most annoying man in the world, or what? I’m not really in the market for a new computer, but if I were, I would buy one somewhere else and then hit this guy in the head with it.

Granny B’s cookies. There’s a commercial for these in which a woman claiming to be Granny B extols the virtues of her various confectioneries. At one point she says, “One taste of my sugar cookies, and you’ll be hooked!” Is the fact that you’ll develop an addiction for a product really a good selling point? Is that what people want — a compulsion, obsessive addiction to cookies?

Stores that take up half their parking lots with huge summer-oriented displays. What is the strategy here? Is ShopKo actually trying to prevent people from entering its own store by taking up the 50 best parking spaces with 12,000 potted plants that are presumably for sale? Even if you wanted to buy one, you’d have to just toss the money from your window as you drove past, because there’s certainly no place to park.

And honestly, Sam’s Club. Are you selling enough of those $2,300 children’s playsets to make up for lost business from people who can’t find a parking space and therefore don’t shop in your store? How many of those splinter-infested deathtraps do you have to sell before it all balances out in the quarterly report?

And why put them in the parking lot anyway? Are children’s playsets a big “impulse item”? Are people finishing their regular shopping and then, on their way back to their cars (parked miles from the store’s entrance), saying, “Hey, wait. As long as we’re here, we should shell out a few thousand bucks for something that our children can fracture their tiny bones on”?

Wienerschnitzel. Actually, what I don’t understand here is the fact that Wienerschnitzel even exists. I mean, who eats there? Most people I know won’t even admit that they like hot dogs. And to actually go out to a restaurant and BUY one! It’s one thing if you’re at home and there’s nothing else to eat, and you have a fondness for the eyelashes and toenails of swine. But to consciously decide, “I want a hot dog,” and then drive to Wienerschnitzel — by-passing dozens of other food options along the way — it just makes no sense to me.

No offense to the fine people at Wienerschnitzel, of course. It’s entirely possible that everything makes perfect sense and I’m just dumb. The important thing, though, is that “Battlefield Earth” really sucks.

Great Gardens!

0

Great Gardens! is a fictional buffet restaurant (think Golden Corral) that thinks so highly of itself, it puts an exclamation mark in its name.

“Great Gardens!” is a new comedy that cracks open the idiosyncracies of Mormon family life, but does it in a much more subtle, less self-aggrandizing manner. The family in this play is, at least to some degree, your family and mine, but “Great Gardens!” doesn’t scream that fact to us through broad satire or slapstick parody (even though Mormon culture would be an easy target for it). Instead, it presents the characters and all their quirks, and lets us slowly realize that, like it or not, we’re them and they’re us.

Written by Josh Brady two years ago at BYU, where it received a staged reading and then a small-scale production, “Great Gardens!” takes place in the titular restaurant in Houston. The family is celebrating the return of daughter Neilene (Susan Keller) from her LDS mission, and everyone’s got a satchel of problems to deal with.

The No. 1 problem is mom, Ilene (Reyna Ricks), the quintissential image-conscious Mormon Mom, worrying about whether the stake president, dining in the same restaurant, will notice her drinking a Diet Coke, or what people will think when they see the family sitting at the counter (which she says is a “bar”).

Ilene is a loving mother, but she hen-pecks everyone she can get her beak on. Suffering the brunt of it is her oldest son, Lyle (Nathan Mitchell), a returned missionary who has since been married and divorced and is now inactive and — the biggest embarrassment of all — doesn’t wear his garments anymore.

Lyle and Ilene spar constantly, especially when Ilene starts expressing undue concern over the weight Neilene may have gained while in England, and Lyle rushes to his sister’s defense.

Also in the family is sister Sariah (Brooklyn Hale), a 20-year-old who is showing every sign of becoming just like her mother. This doesn’t bode well for her fiance, the already-submissive Brook (Ben Sansom).

Finally, there’s dad Neil (Joel R. Wallin) and younger brother Jared (Mason Reed Lefler), who also take after each other. Neil is quiet most of the time, not because he’s been beaten into submission by Ilene, but because he’s learned to choose his battles wisely. (When he does fight her, he wins.) Jared earns some of the biggest laughs of the play simply by trying to eat his dinner, oblivious to the mayhem surrounding him.

Josh Brady has a keen ear for dialogue. The teens talk like teens, the Texans talk like Texans, and the Mormons talks like Mormons. Sarah complains about her hair being messed up in Lyle’s car on the way over, and about how she’s hungry. Finally she says, “Fine, I’ll just suffer,” to which Lyle adds, “In silence, please.” Ilene wants a taste of something Lyle’s eating, even though Lyle is all the way at the end of the counter — which means she passes her fork down the line to get a sample. Unable to see why no one wants to do this, she says, “You act like we asked you to poop a cantaloupe.”

The performances generally complement the excellent script (which, now that I’ve seen the play twice, has deeper nuances in the characters’ relationships than I’d thought). Ricks is outstanding as the huge-haired mother who slowly realizes that everything is not always about her, and Keller’s Neilene earns sympathy as the character who is the unwilling catalyst for most of the action.

The others give realism (mostly comic) to their roles, making the ensemble as a whole very strong. This family is a smorgasbord of dysfunction, and they’re a delight to watch.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

0

In the Hale Centre Theatre production of “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,” the audience says “oooooh” when Uber-chauvinist Adam Pontipee (Mark Knowles) says, “What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.” Apparently, such unadulterated sexism is not to be tolerated.

And yet, audiences continue to go see “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” every time a theater produces it, despite the fact that it is perhaps one of the most sexist shows ever written. Maybe sexism is fine, as long as it’s accompanied by pretty singing and dancing; it’s only when it’s stated outright that it becomes a problem.

At any rate, Hale Centre Theatre’s production of the show is generally a solid one. Director Ron Jewett even manages to downplay some of the inherent chauvinism by making Adam an unsympathetic brute, and his six backwoods brothers a bunch of bumbling stooges. By comparison, Adam’s wife Milly (Meghan D. Parrish; normally played in this cast by Wendy Knowles) and the brothers’ six girlfriends/hostages come across as intelligent and strong — particularly Milly, whose sudden and inexplicable love for Adam almost seems plausible in this production, thanks to a commanding performance by Parrish.

Other stand-out characters are the jittery Caleb (Cary Charron) and laugh-snorting Sarah (Peggy Deming). The rest of the brothers and the girls, frankly, blend into one another rather seamlessly.

Hale Centre is famous for its state-of-the-art rotating stage, and it is used well in this show, without being overused (which would certainly be a tempation for me, if I had such a neat toy at my disposal). The avalanche effect is nothing short of amazing, and the effect by which the avalanche is removed at the scene change almost tops it.

The big scene in this show is generally the barn-raising/dance/fistfight with the brothers and the townspeople. There is some truly impressive dancing here, and the overall effect is good. But when you look at individual dancers and — especially — individual fistfights during the fracas, you notice that you’ve never seen anything that looked more fake and stagey.

That’s the show as a whole, in fact: impressive overall, but with much sloppiness in the individual moments. The “Love Never Goes Away” number, with Milly, Adam and Gideon (Eric B. Armstrong) all singing their differing views on love, is the emotional highlight of the show; but the breakfast scene in which Milly commandeers everyone’s underwear and then teaches them how to dance drags on endlessly. It’s a show that seems much better than the sum of its parts.

Center Stage

0

In “Ballet Company 90210” — I’m sorry, I mean “Center Stage” — we’re treated to what “Fame” would have been if it had been a poorly acted soap opera.

The setting is the American Ballet Academy, a training ground for would-be dancers. Their collective dream, we assume, is to dance for a living. Their individual hopes and dreams are mostly ignored.

Focusing on the women in the academy, we get boyfriends, breakups and bulimia — your basic soap opera fare — all melodramatically acted by people who are absolutely fantastic dancers, but mostly terrible actors. (Strangely, Peter Gallagher — so good as “The King” in “American Beauty” — is perhaps more over-the-top than anyone, and he’s not even a dancer. At least the dancers who are forced to act have an excuse.)

Jody Sawyer (Amanda Schull) is the main character, mostly by default: She has the most screen time, but the least personality. She falls for ballet stud Cooper Nielsen (Ethan Stiefel), who sleeps with her, casts her in his ballet, then dumps her, at which point she rushes to the also-bland Charlie (Sascha Radetsky) and falls in a bland sort of love with him.

Meanwhile, there’s Eva (Zoe Saldana), a renegade who plays by her own rules (i.e., she breaks all the academy’s rules). As such, she is unlikely to make the cut — unless she can get just one chance to show everyone how good she is. Will she get that chance? You’ll be on the edge of your seat!

Also meanwhile, Barbie-thin Maureen (Susan May Pratt) is realizing that dancing is her mother’s dream, not hers, and to prove the point, she’s gone bulimic. Her dominating mother (Debra Monk) is upset to learn that she won’t be able to live her dream vicariously through her daughter after all: “You didn’t have the feet,” Maureen tells her. “And I don’t have the heart.”

That’s actually some of the better dialogue in “Center Stage,” a movie that invites you to predict what will be said next (you’ll usually be right, and you’d probably do a better job delivering the line, too).

The idea here was probably to show us all the ins and outs of a dance school: the rivalries, the hard work, the triumphs, the defeats, the bloody toes, etc. There are a good many characters, of which only Maureen’s mother is at all believable (Debra Monk is an Emmy-winning actress; the others here are all pretty much either professional dancers making their motion picture debuts, or hack actors).

Another problem is that many scenes go on for waaaay too long. A scene of Cooper and someone doing “Romeo & Juliet”; a scene where a bunch of students go to a nightclub for fun; the final scene, where Cooper’s ballet is staged; all of these are worthy of being included, but do not deserve nearly the amount of time they get.

Cooper’s ballet, an avant-garde, genre-twisting affair, is actually kind of cool (until you realize it’s apparently NEVER GOING TO END). It takes traditional ballet and puts a fresh spin on it. “Center Stage,” unfortunately, takes traditional ensemble movies about would-be performers and does absolutely nothing new whatsoever. If you’ve ever seen a movie in which the characters had a goal, you’ve heard every line of dialogue here. In fact, you’ve seen the whole movie. See something else instead, unless you want to watch this one purely for its dancing.

Battlefield Earth

0

Here’s what’s good about “Battlefield Earth,” the new futuristic movie based on L. Ron Hubbard’s 1982 novel:

The visual effects, and the fact that at least it doesn’t try to preach a message or teach a moral.

Now here’s what’s bad about “Battlefield Earth”:

Everything else.

If L. Ron Hubbard’s Scientology makes as little sense as this movie, I’m amazed anyone adheres to it. Illogical, confusing and bombastic, this ordeal takes place in the year 3000, when man is an endangered species, thanks to the centuries-ago invasion of an evil race of tall, ugly aliens called Psychlos.

Borrowing from “Planet of the Apes” (“borrowing from” will be a recurring motif in this review), humans are called “man-animals” and are viewed as an inferior species, separated by language and technology from the Psychlos. A human named Jonnie (Barry Pepper) wants a better life for his people, though, so he sets out from the remote village into what used to be a city, where he is promptly captured by the Psychlos and taken to the “Human Processing Center” in what used to be Denver (and now looks like some parts of present-day New Jersey).

Head Psychlo Terl (John Travolta) isn’t just evil by Psychlo standards; he’s greedy, too, and wants to train Jonnie and other man-animals to mine the land for gold to make him rich. (Why is gold a precious commodity on the Psychlos’ home planet? Isn’t that just an Earth thing?) Trying to train humans to do anything is against the rules, though, so he does it secretly, with the help of henchman/stooge Ker (Forest Whitaker, looking like the love child of Della Reese and a Klingon).

In true Bond-villain fashion, Terl teaches Psychlo language and other skills to Jonnie, which not only enables him to do Terl’s bidding, but also enables him to defeat the entire Psychlo race. While Jonnie and the other humans are supposed to be mining for gold, they’re actually hurrying off to Ft. Knox (apparently left unscathed and very easy to get into after the invasion) to get gold fast, leaving them with plenty of time to plan their revolt.

The revolt, which borrows from “Armageddon,” “Independence Day” and “Star Wars,” involves training humans how to fly centuries-old aircraft (still in working order and full of fuel, apparently), then sending them into battle. We’re told that the initial Psychlo invasion lasted only nine minutes before all of Earth’s armies were defeated, yet this rag-tag group of post-apocalyptic hunters and gatherers manages to wipe them out with relative ease.

This movie could not be stupider. Most of the performances are bad — notice how Barry Pepper screams “Noooooo!” in exactly the same melodramatic fashion when he is told his father has died as he does when his horse is shot — but Travolta takes the cake. His Terl is comically unthreatening, speaking in an over-the-top, fey voice that sounds like a cross between “Return of the Jedi’s” evil Emperor and the most flamboyant Bond villain you can think of. It’s a hilariously bad performance; if it were MEANT to be funny, it would be brilliant.

Another major problem, aside from the gaping plot holes and often incomprehensible developments, is that the film has no point. Good vs. Evil is fine — that’s all “Star Wars” boils down to, after all — but neither side is represented very strongly here (Terl’s evil mostly takes the form of lying to people, and Jonnie is too bland to be a solid ambassador of Good). So when Good defeats Evil in the end, there’s a strong sense of “Who cares?”

There’s also a strong sense of “What is this crap I just watched?” The movie is clean and harmless, but it’s also a poor telling of what must have been a lame story to begin with. The good visual effects and absence of sanctimoniousness aren’t enough to save it from getting …

Screwed

0

No one’s saying “Screwed” is any brilliant piece of comedic genius. But if you find Norm MacDonald or Dave Chappelle funny, you’ll be at least mildly entertained by this little speck of a film.

MacDonald plays Willard, the life-long butler of the rich and evil Virginia Crock (Elaine Stritch), a pie-making business tycoon. When Willard learns that Crock plans to fire him — and really, it is he who should be complaining to her, not the other way around — he decides to extort some money out of her somehow, to make up for all the wrongs she’s done him all these years.

Enter Rusty (Dave Chappelle), Willard’s friend and owner of Rusty’s Chicken Hole restaurant. Together, they scheme to kidnap Crock’s beloved dog Muffin and hold it for ransom. The dog escapes, but not before biting Willard and getting his blood all over the place. In the morning, Crock and her associates assume Willard to have been kidnapped, and bowing only to public pressure, she agrees to pay the ransom (even though she’d just as soon let the kidnappers kill him).

Things continue to go wrong, of course, with the ransom money turning up missing, someone double-crossing Crock, and I believe there’s a corpse involved somewhere. Then the movie ends and everyone goes home happy.

Characterization is not the issue here, but MacDonald, Chappelle and Stritch all seem to be having fun, anyway, with Stritch especially going the extra mile to make so-so lines seem just a little funnier. Rusty has a tendency to hit people over the head with lamps when he gets scared, which provides a nice running gag, and MacDonald’s delivery as Willard is typical Norm MacDonald: deadpan, sarcastic, and favoring the word “whore.” He’s one of those actors whom you either find funny or not, regardless of the material.

The material here is not stellar. The plot has holes in it (though it is a fun idea), and many opportunities for comedy are missed. There are also too many examples of being weird just for the sake of being weird. (Character names — Willard Fillmore, Rusty P. Hayes, Grover Cleaver — resemble the names of U.S. presidents; one person has an obsession for Jack Lord; etc.) But, even while expecting the movie to suck mightily, I found myself laughing a few times here and there.

Hamlet

0

Michael Almereyda’s already-famous adaptation of “Hamlet,” set in 2000 in New York City, is much like the play itself: flawed and brilliant at the same time, and, when it really hits its stride, absolutely mesmerizing to watch.

Most of the minor details of the play translate well enough into modern times. Denmark is a corporation, and jealousy and greed are just as much factors in the business world as they were in monarchies; Elsinore is a luxury hotel; instead of Polonius and Claudius eavesdropping on Ophelia’s conversation with Hamlet, they wire her with a hidden microphone; Hamlet makes an artsy film instead of hiring actors to do a play. We don’t call heads of corporations “kings,” but if you can accept that metaphor, everything fits nicely.

And the details that wouldn’t work for the year 2000 — like the sea pirates, for example, and poison-tipped fencing swords — are just omitted. (Something had to be omitted anyway. The original language is preserved, and no one wanted another four-hour version of “Hamlet,” I’m sure. At least I didn’t.)

This version is as lyrical and beautiful as “Hamlet” is supposed to be, often visually striking in a way Shakespeare could have only imagined in his wildest dreams, being constrained as he was to the limits of live theater. Music evokes moods, characters’ thoughts are heard, and the climax is truly operatic in every sense of the word.

Hamlet (Ethan Hawke, with a perpetual “I defy you to make me have a thought” look on his blank face) has returned from college to find his father deceased and his uncle Claudius (Kyle MacLachlan) now married to his mother, Gertrude (Diane Verona). Claudius is also the new president and CEO of the Denmark Corporation, and Hamlet’s suspicions of foul play are confirmed by a visit from his father’s ghost (Sam Shepard).

You know the rest, although if you don’t, this movie is easy enough to follow, so Shakespeare novices shouldn’t fear it. There are some wonderful moments, including Hamlet’s “to be or not to be” speech being delivered in a Blockbuster video store — in the “action” section, appropriately, since that speech (and indeed his whole character) is all about whether or not he’ll ever take action in his life. (Why “Gone with the Wind” can be seen on the “action” shelf is a mystery to me, but watch for it; it’s fun.) Everything with Polonius, played with unctuous insincerity by Bill Murray, is also a treat.

The major problem here is Ethan Hawke, who was cast in the role of Hamlet apparently because a block of wood was unavailable. The man simply doesn’t emote, doesn’t give us much more than blank, slack-jawed looks. His scene with his dead father is ALMOST emotional, and the closest we come, but it doesn’t quite make it there.

It doesn’t help any that most of his monologues are delivered as his thoughts, rather than out loud. That might be more realistic than having him talk to himself, but some of those soliloquies are extremely important. One needs to see the actor’s facial expressions and body movements as he undergoes this racking of his very soul in order for it to have any impact on us. Ethan Hawke’s voice alone just doesn’t convey enough emotion, and while I doubt the cement-faced actor would do much more if he were acting out the lines, at least it would be something.

There’s also a problem with Laertes, played by Liev Schrieber. Schrieber seems not to have gotten the memo that this was being done in modern times, as he’s the only one in the cast still speaking in that “Shakespearean” voice (it’s called “American Standard,” and it’s the one that sounds almost British but not quite). Everyone else uses their natural speaking voices, but Schrieber is auditioning for the Royal Shakespeare Company, apparently.

Never mind him, though, and get as much out of Hawke as you can. Everyone else is fantastic, from the soulful Karl Geary as Horatio (Hamlet’s heartbreakingly loyal best friend) to ultra-hip Julia Stiles as Ophelia. The play’s dreariness and Hamlet’s feelings of isolation and inaction are powerfully conveyed in what is truly a remarkable film.

Held Up

0

“Held Up” begins with Michael (Jamie Foxx) and his fiancee, Rachel (Nia Long), driving through Arizona on their way across the country. Rachel has to go to the bathroom, so they stop off at a Little League game in a tiny desert town, and Rachel gets out of the car and scurries toward the port-a-potty, desperately clutching her butt.

If the thought of Nia Long clutching her own butt in an attempt to prevent a bathroom-related accident does not appeal to you, rest assured that most of this movie is not that crass. In fact, despite the presence of Jamie Foxx, who helped make “In Living Color” the crass (and occasionally funny) TV show it was, “Held Up” is surprisingly tame.

It’s also surprisingly non-entertaining. This is a dim-witted, simple little movie based on the premise that Jamie Foxx is funny. But even if you agree with that premise, there’s still very little to laugh at in this film, whose loftiest goal seems to be not annoying its audience — no more, no less.

While in Arizona, Rachel finds out how much Michael paid for the vintage automobile they’re driving, and she leaves him via hitchhiking to the Las Vegas airport to fly back to Chicago. Then, Michael’s car gets stolen from a podunk convenience store. Then, inept Mexicans show up to rob the place and the whole thing turns into a hostage situation, which is ultimately resolved pretty peacefully and everyone goes home happy.

It’s a good-natured film, and not unlikable. Part of its problem, though, is that it takes place over such a short period of time — just one afternoon. That’s usually not enough for a comedy. In a drama, intense, dramatic action can take place that fast. But in a comedy, where the focus is on laughs and not characters who learn and grow, you usually need more time to build things, to set up comedic situations and then let them bear fruit. Forcing the film into such a short time frame just makes it seem slight and small, like one episode in a TV series.

There’s also the problem of Jamie Foxx, who is remarkably restrained here. Where some moments could use his energy and wit, he seems unwilling to go out on any comedic limbs, preferring to mumble his lines half-heartedly instead.

The only thing that actually made me laugh out loud in the entire movie was a statement by the poker-faced old store clerk (John Cullum), who tells a man pretending to buy a douche so that nothing will look suspicious to the cops outside, “You sure you want the spring-scented douche? They say the ‘fresh and natural’ beats it all to hell.” That’s a great line, but it drowns in the sea of lameness that permeates the movie.

Like so many bland, mediocre films lately, seeing this one and not seeing it will have approximately the same effect on you, except that if you see it, you’ll wind up with 100 fewer minutes left in your life.

Hyst-Eric-tomy

0

Since Sunday is Mother’s Day, I thought I’d honor my mother by telling you about her recent hysterectomy.

I asked her permission to tell you this, of course, and she had no problem with it. (“Anything for a laugh” I believe were her exact words.) The last thing I want to do is publicly embarrass someone who has enough embarrassing dirt on me to fill a library (not that a library would be interested in the story about how, when I was a toddler, I intentionally soiled my pants every time my cousin came over to play).

Mom wasn’t worried about her hysterectomy. In fact, she was looking forward to it. Mom likes surgery. She likes lying around in hospitals, she likes being waited on hand and foot, and she likes being doped up on medication. A surgery for her is like going to Club Med for regular people.

So she goes in for the surgery, and she’s given the option of staying awake for it. She went for this option, because, ever-curious, she wanted to watch the procedure. Imagine her disappointment, then, when they put a curtain over the regions involved while a crew of 85 doctors went to work removing parts of her. (I am uncomfortable using words like “uterus” and “ovaries” in conjunction with my mother, though in conversations with me, she bandied them around like they were prepositions.)

Since she couldn’t see what was going on, she got kind of bored after a while, and passed the time by throwing up. She did notice, though, that when they cauterized something, it smelled like they were having a barbecue. “If I had been hungry, it would have smelled really good,” she told me.

She told the doctors that while they were taking things out, if they happened to find any 40-pound lumps of fat, they could feel free to remove those, too. They looked, but they couldn’t find any that small.

Ha! I’m kidding, of course. Some of you are already conjuring up the angry letters you’re going to write to me — no, I take that back. The angry letters I get don’t usually seem to have had any forethought in them. Some of you are already WRITING the letters, then, telling me how awful I am for making fun of my mom in a newspaper column. But you know what? You know who laughed hardest at the joke I just made? My mom. You know who loves reading this column more than anyone else? My mom. You know who appreciates a good joke, or even a lame one like that was, more than anyone in the world? My mom.

If I may wax philosophical for a moment, I have a theory about the eternal scheme of things. Ideally, we want to be as much like God as possible. (That part of my theory I stole from somewhere else.) Well, the reason Mom is so calm and collected is that she’s already 99 percent there. While the rest of us are working to improve ourselves, control our tempers, break bad habits, silence the voices in our heads that say “kill, kill, kill,” Mom is relaxing. She’s coasting, just waiting to make it official.

That’s how she can afford to take a week’s vacation at the local hospital. That’s how she can make jokes about her own surgery, and the fairly serious complications that led up to it. That’s how, when Dad’s company goes under and suddenly he’s unemployed, she can say, “I’m not worried.” This is a woman who worries about everything, who derives great pleasure from worrying, who even plans her worries in advance. (She is already concerned, for example, about where I’m going to sleep when I come home for Christmas in 2009. The years 2000-2008, she’s already been worrying about, for several years now.) So when she says, “I’m not worried,” it’s a pretty big deal. And I know it means I shouldn’t worry, either.

Is there any greater comfort than your mom, who is closer to God than anyone you know, telling you not to worry?

I have two strong images of my mother from when I was growing up. One is when an older, bratty girl named Colleen was harassing me and my friends, so my mom turned the hose on her to chase her out of the yard. The other is of Mom kneeling by her bed every morning, praying. I have no doubt that whatever degree of success or non-screwed-upness I have achieved, it is because Mom was praying for me. Put God and Mom on my side, and I think I’ll make it.

And not to be disrespectful or anything, but I think even God would have to defer to Mom when it comes to making peanut-butter-chocolate-chip cookies.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you. (Please note: This was your present.)

The Goodbye Girl

0

Inaugurating the Hale Centre Theatre West Valley’s intimate new Black Box Theatre is “The Goodbye Girl,” a merry piffle of a musical based on a merry piffle of a Neil Simon play.

The theater is small, seating only 120, making it fine for a small-scale show like this. Only a pianist (Kelly DeHaan) accompanies the singing, and the actors don’t even need microphones to be heard.

The story follows Paula (Jeni Carver), a single mom who is consistently unlucky at love. As we begin, she has just been left by Tony, the latest in a series of potential “new dads” for young daughter Lucy (Gina Rizzuto; double-cast with Caitlin Henriksen).

Paula has decided to give up on men altogether when Elliot Garfield (Mark Daniels), a joking, exasperating would-be actor, comes along. Due to a turn of events that could exist only in a Neil Simon play, Elliot winds up sharing the apartment with Paula and Lucy (seems Tony the loser sub-let the place to Elliot, and Paula has no place else to go).

Elliot and Paula’s dislike for one another eventually turns to romance, but Elliot still must earn her trust — and the trust of her little girl.

The Elliot character seems like he needs a little more obnoxiousness in the beginning; as it is, it’s not entirely clear why Paula doesn’t like him. (Martin Short won a Tony for playing the role on Broadway, and one can picture him being quite suitably pesky.) The lines are there in the script; Daniels just needs to turn up the abrasiveness a little.

His later scenes, though, as he softens and Paula warms up to him, are marvelous. One particular highlight is a park scene, in which Elliot sweetly convinces Lucy that he’s not going to leave her mom the way the other men have. Daniels and Rizzuto both shine there.

Carver is also a stand-out as Paula, giving the character strength and vulnerability simultaneously, and winning the audience’s sympathy right from the start. She also has a strong, belting voice that gives the songs energy.

Neil Simon wrote the book for this musical, and it shows, with Simon-y vaudeville-style lines like, “Do you have anything to drink? Like diet arsenic?”

And Marvin Hamlisch’s music sounds like the stuff he wrote in the ’70s and ’80s (“A Chorus Line” being a prime example): a bit gaudy and cheesy, for the most part, with some pep now and then.

David Zippel’s lyrics, however, are immensely satisfying. Zippel is an expert with the rhymes and witticisms, and his words make the songs (and the show as a whole) move along breezily.

“The Goodbye Girl” is entertaining, if not particularly meaningful. It’s a fine way to unwind on a weekend evening.

The Foreigner

0

“The Foreigner” is performed fairly often by community theater groups, as it currently is by the Pleasant Grove Players, and with good reason: It’s terribly funny.

Set in a hotel lodge in rural Georgia, the play brings us Charlie Baker (Thane Bingham), a terribly shy man who has to stay there a few days while his friend Froggy (DeShawn Smith) is out on Army maneuvers.

He’s terrified of having to interact with the other visitors, so Froggy tells the sweet old innkeeper, Betty (Donna Bingham), that Charlie doesn’t speak any English. This keeps him from having to talk to anyone, and allows him some peace and quiet.

Except what it really means is that no one’s afraid to talk in front of him, thus inadvertently revealing their plots and schemes. By play’s end, “foreigner” Charlie has developed a personality, helped everyone else feel better about themselves, and saved the lodge from evil Klansmen (really!).

The ensemble cast is altogether pretty strong, though Thane Bingham is much more believable as a foreigner than he is as the regular Charlie. Dustin Harding stands out as young Ellard Simms, a dim kid whom Charlie helps to feel smart. Harding has an excellent sense of mad energy, bouncing around like a pro without seeming like a clown.

Dennis Purdie is also very funny as racist Owen Musser, a tightly wound idiot.

The production missteps just a little in not fully exploring the potential in Charlie’s dealings with the others. The play is written for him to help Betty feel like more than just a useless old lady; for him to help Ellard have confidence in his own intelligence; and for him to help Ellard’s sister Catherine (Tracy Fielding) boost her self-esteem. All of that happens here, but only if you pay close attention. In a few key places, the lines are spoken, but the “moment” is missed.

Still, the show is laugh-out-loud funny, particularly as Charlie begins to use his “foreignness” to his advantage, mocking the stupid and helping the meek. There is much community theater in Utah County, and the Pleasant Grove Players are often overlooked. If this show is any indication, they deserve a little more attention.

42nd Street

0

“42nd Street” was a Broadway show about people putting on a Broadway show. The Grand Theatre production of “42nd Street” comes pretty close to being a Broadway show itself, an ambitious, energetic delight with dozens of backdrops, sets, and costume changes.

There is also dancing. Tons of it. I freely admit to being a sucker for a show with good dancing, and “42nd Street” stops working on its feeble plot about every two minutes in order to have a big song-and-dance number. Director/choreographer Jim Christian has created routines that are snappy and lively, and he’s found a talented ensemble of dancers to carry them out.

The story is about the production of “Pretty Lady,” a Busby Berkeley-type musical that is supposed to be one of the biggest in Broadway history, thanks to mega-director Julian Marsh (Gary Neilson) being behind it, and Broadway super-diva Dorothy Brock (Alisa Harris-Aguilar) being at center stage.

Auditioning for the chorus is Peggy Sawyer (Amy Oakeson), a pretty, naive gal just off the train from Allentown, Pa., who barely makes it into the show. Her love interest, for approximately two seconds, is fellow cast member Billy Lawlor (Peter Russell). Their relationship fails because “42nd Street” writers Michael Stewart and Mark Bramble forgot to keep working on it: This show thrives on its singing and dancing, not on its plot, which is full of little holes like that.

We see the show through the rehearsal process, up to the first performance, during which Dorothy busts her ankle and Julian Marsh declares to the audience that the show has been canceled, and we can have our money refunded. He’s referring to “Pretty Lady,” of course, not “42nd Street,” but the effect is tremendously original and satisfying, especially because after he says that, the house lights come up and we go to intermission — a very anti-climactic way to end the first act of a Broadway musical!

Most of “42nd Street” parallels “Pretty Lady.” Nearly all of the songs we hear are actually numbers from the fictitious show we’re seeing from behind the scenes; it’s rare for the “42nd Street” characters to just burst into song (though it does happen occasionally).

And the songs are great. You’ll recognize numbers like “We’re in the Money,” “You’re Getting to be a Habit with Me,” “Lullaby of Broadway,” and of course the title song. The young, enthusiastic cast — particularly Neilson, Oakeson and Russell — performs with confidence, having absolutely no qualms saying ridiculous lines like, “You hoofers are the luckiest bunch in the whole darn business.”

“42nd Street” is a tribute to old-time Broadway musicals, and the Grand Theatre’s production is as handsome as can be.

Gladiator

0

When you hear a movie is 2 1/2 hours long, you tend to wonder if maybe something could be cut from it. Seems like most films that go more than 2 hours tend to wander at some point.

Not “Gladiator.” “Gladiator” is so tightly written (by David H. Franzoni, John Logan and William Nicholson), and so efficiently directed (by Ridley Scott), that not one of its 154 minutes seems excessive, padded or unnecessary.

In fact, the film is so enthralling — so gosh-darned ENTERTAINING, to use an old-fashioned, non-film-critic word — that 2 1/2 hours seems like nothing. It’s a classic-style epic story of heroism, loyalty and bravery, with Russell Crowe delivering a stand-up-and-cheer performance that will finally get him the mass-audience attention he deserves.

In A.D. 180, Caesar Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris, outstanding in his limited screen time) is frustrated at how corrupt the Roman Empire has become. His dying wish is to take the power from the filthy senate and give it back to the people.

He asks his top general, Maximus (Crowe), whose leadership and fighting skills have expanded the Empire as far north as Germany, to succeed him, but Maximus declines, desiring to return to his wife and son in civilian life.

Before Marcus can express this desire to anyone, though, his reptile-skinned crybaby of a son, Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), kills him and assumes power as the natural heir. Knowing of his father’s love for Maximus, he has his family killed and attempts to kill Maximus, too. But Maximus escapes and winds up a slave, then a gladiator.

Eventually, his traveling troupe of gladiators — men who fight the “home team” in arenas, to the death, for the amusement of the masses — winds up in Rome, where Commodus sees him in action and must face up to the fact that 1) he’s still alive, and 2) the people love him.

A second look:

6/29/2011: Re-Views: ‘Gladiator’ (2000)

The film is visually arresting, with some battle scenes shot with a slow-crank camera, making them look sped-up even though they’re not. The battle scenes, of which there are many, feature an extraordinary number of people being run through with swords, though the blood and dismemberment do not seem excessive or gratuitous (it’s no “Saving Private Ryan,” or even “Braveheart”). The scenes are certainly tense and exciting, though.

More important are the great performances from Crowe and Phoenix. Crowe carries the film on his shoulders, proving to be as courageous and admirable an action hero as we’ve seen in some time, giving much-needed dignity to the term “action hero.” And Phoenix is cowardly as the power-hungry Commodus, a sort of Shakespearean embodiment of evil, yet there’s something sympathetic in his desperate, childish grabs at authority.

Maximus’s journey from general to slave to gladiator to hero makes for a wonderfully moving film. Action movies and gladiator movies have not garnered much respect before, but “Gladiator’s” depth and humanity make the whole thing seem legit.

Gun Shy

0

You’d have to classify “Gun Shy” under the “it didn’t bug me, and nobody got hurt” category.

Charlie (Liam Neeson) is an undercover cop (or perhaps government agent; the movie’s not real clear on this) who’s got a bad case of the nerves. Seems his partner got killed during the last case, and the fact that he’s still pursuing the same case — trying to infiltrate a Mafia drug ring — has his stomach tied in knots.

Or actually, more specifically, it’s got his bowels all aflutter: He spends a good portion of the movie experiencing gurgling in that area, and then rushing to the bathroom. He’s not happy with this life, and he wants out.

He gets psychiatric help, and winds up in group therapy. He also starts to fall in love with Judy (Sandra Bullock), his enema nurse. He also begins to realize the ultimate irony: The bad guys aren’t happy, either. Which means no one, good or bad, is getting much out of life.

Fulvio Nesstra (Oliver Platt) is the chief bad guy, and for as tough-talking as he is, it’s his wife, Gloria (Mary McCormack), who dominates him — not to mention his crime-boss father-in-law.

Charlie actually succeeds in helping Fulvio hammer out a deal with a couple of gay Colombians, which is what his mission was: Once the deal is about to happen, Charlie’s law-enforcement guys can come in and do the bust. There’s at least one fly in the ointment, though, including a good guy who turns out to be a bad guy.

This is an unfocused, weirdly constructed film. The angle with Sandra Bullock’s character is strangely underdeveloped. If it is she who helps Charlie overcome his nerves and find happiness, then she should probably get more than the 10 minutes of screen time she gets. She’s just sort of THERE, being chipper, and evidently putting a spark back in Charlie’s life, though you’d be hard-pressed to find anything actually in the movie that supports that.

There’s also the psychiatric angle, which figures into the main plot eventually, but which doesn’t really go anywhere otherwise. It doesn’t provide laughs, it doesn’t provide insight. Like Sandra Bullock, it’s just sort of THERE.

Fulvio is the only funny character, thanks to Platt’s dedication to the role. Lack of dedication, in fact, is what kills the rest of the film. None of the actors, Neeson included, seem to want to commit to what they’re doing. They’re probably right that the script isn’t very good, but refusing to give it the ol’ college try certainly isn’t going to help any. Many a so-so script has been made to seem funny by actors who performed it with gusto, rather than holding back, which is what everyone here is doing.

The film’s ending is fun, truly jolly and enjoyable. The rest of the movie is fitfully amusing, with occasional laughs. “Gun Shy” isn’t terribly slow, nor is it annoying or abrasive (well, there might be a few too many bathroom references). You could watch it or not watch it and it would have the same effect on your life either way.

I Dreamed of Africa

0

After 45 minutes of nothing happening in “I Dreamed of Africa,” I found myself wishing the animals would start attacking people.

This is Kenya, after all. If you’re not going to show us some interesting characters and allow us to grow with them as they go through their own personal journeys, well, then at least let one of them get eaten by a lion.

No such luck. “I Dreamed of Africa” adamantly refuses to give in to the action/adventure mentality, insisting instead on going the route of “human drama.” Which is fine, except that the humans in question are far from compelling, and the things that happen to them fail to arouse emotion or connection.

The film, apathetically directed by Hugh Hudson and based on a true story (a boring true story, apparently), begins in Europe in an unspecified year. (Forty minutes later, long after everyone’s moved to Africa, we find out that Italy is where they started. We never do learn the time period. We also never learn why the main character and her mother — both clearly non-Italian — are in Italy, or where they’re actually from. You’d think a movie that is so conscientiously not plot-driven could find the time to tell us these things. I can think of several 10- or 15-minute chunks that could have been omitted, for example, if it would have allowed time for these details.)

Single-mom Kuki (Kim Basinger) is in a car accident, and while recuperating, falls in love with her friend Paolo (Vincent Perez). They get married and move to Africa, with Kuki’s little boy Emanuele (Liam Aiken) in tow, despite Kuki’s mother’s (Eva Marie Saint) fears that Kenya is no place for a young family.

But Paolo’s dad had a ranch there, which the threesome takes up residence at and begins fixing up. Over the course of many years, they have trouble with poachers, lions, the weather, and snakes. They also have trouble with the fact that Paolo cannot sit still: He has to go out hunting for days at a time, leaving Kuki to handle everything herself. But she still loves him. Or so we’re told.

That idea, along with just about everything else, is told to us rather than being shown. The movie has so little happening that when something DOES happen — when a character dies, for example — it’s hard to feel anything. We never get inside Kuki’s head, or anyone else’s, to find out what makes them tick.

Kuki’s mom eventually tells her that Africa has “brought out the best” in her. But how? We don’t even know what Kuki is like NOW, let alone how she USED to be. She keeps saying that she “needed” to go to Africa. Again, why? What was wrong with her life before? If the movie knows, it’s not telling us.

Basinger does all she can with what she’s given to work with, but mostly all that means is looking concerned and care-worn. She and Perez might have had chemistry as a couple, if the script allowed them any real time together.

All of which makes it very hard to enjoy this film, which frequently appears as though it will never end. The African scenery is breathtaking, and the cinematography is first-rate. But when the characters’ minds and motivations are frustratingly closed off to us, all we’re left with is the dim hope that something adventurous will happen instead. And when it doesn’t, there’s no hope left at all.

The Basket

0

“The Basket” earnestly strives to be a family-friendly movie that teaches a nice lesson while entertaining its audience, all while avoiding profanity, sex or violence.

And while it doesn’t succeed at being a particularly great piece of filmmaking, its sincerity and even-handedness make it a likable, pleasant movie to watch.

Set in the picturesque wheat fields of Waterville, Wash., in 1918, “The Basket” tells of two German children, orphaned by the war, who come to an interment camp, and then to the home of kindly Rev. Simms (Tony Lincoln).

Helmut (Robert Karl Burke) and Brigitta (Amber Willenborg) are ostracized somewhat for being Germans, though Helmut takes the brunt of it. It doesn’t help when a local boy comes home from the war, his leg having been shot off by German soldier; it helps even less when that boy eventually dies.

His father, Nicholas Emery (Jock MacDonald), has an irrational, almost unbelievable aversion to all things German. When the new school teacher in town, Martin Conlon (Peter Coyote), plays the German opera “The Basket” and uses its story to teach the children, Emery flips out. When his own sons have anything to do with Helmut or Brigitta (with whom one of the boys is in love), he flips out even more.

Naturally, by movie’s end, one or both of the German children will have done something selfless to help Emery see that Germans are people, too. You can count on that.

In fact, there are few surprises in “The Basket.” Peter Coyote’s astoundingly bad Boston accent is one of them; the weird revelation about Mr. Conlon’s past is another; the ill-fitting sideplot about the town trying to buy a tractor is another; the fact that an amateur basketball team poses a serious threat to the 70-game winning streak of a pro team is another one.

Oh, yeah, basketball. Aside from teaching German opera, Mr. Conlon also teaches the kids the new sport of basketball. This is where Helmut tries to fit in, working for hours to become good enough to play with the other boys, who are bigger and less German.

In the end, we learn lessons about teamwork, tolerance and love. These lessons are taught often in “family-friendly” movies; the difference here is that we’re not beaten over the head with them. Rich Cowan, who is co-writer (with three others, which may explain the multitude of directions it goes) and director, keep a steady hand throughout. One hardly even notices the occasionally ridiculous dialogue, because the overall feel of the film is one of pleasant sincerity, not sledgehammer-style moralizing. The film is also thankfully without the cute, cloying quasi-humor that usually permeates PG-rated family films.

In other words, though “The Basket” is too simplistic and occasionally amateurish to hold its own in the regular marketplace, it works well as a flick you can take the whole family to — without the grownups getting annoyed by it.

Up at the Villa

0

“Up at the Villa” takes place in 1930s Italy, just before the Nazis came on the scene, at a time when the rich folks sat around drinking and saying things like, “Morning is my favorite time here,” to which someone would respond, “Yes, it is quite lovely.” Sounds awful to me, though I guess the whole Nazi thing probably wasn’t any better.

Our heroine is the lovely Mary (Kristin Scott Thomas), formerly rich but now living in a borrowed villa and trying to maintain appearances. An older gentlemen named Sir Edgar Swift (James Fox) proposes marriage to her, and this being a society in which love is not a prerequisite for marriage (money is), she considers it while he’s away on business. He leaves his gun with her, though, because some of the incoming refugees, fleeing the Nazis, have proven to be rather dangerous of late.

At a party, Mary meets Rolly Flint (Sean Penn), a cocksure American who likes her and thinks she should marry someone she loves. Can’t be him, though, ’cause he’s already married, though that doesn’t seem to inhibit his lifestyle. Upset at his advances and at the confusing notion of “love and marriage,” Mary flees the scene and nearly runs over one of the aforementioned refugees, Karl (Jeremy Davies). Feeling some sense of reckless abandonment, she takes him home with her, gives him a nice meal, and sleeps with him. To her, it’s a one-night stand. To him, it’s a relationship, and he’s crushed to the point of suicide when he learns it’s not.

Rolly and Mary, legally in the clear but seeking to avoid scandal — for surely there is nothing worse in a gossipping society of rich people than scandal — seek to cover up Karl’s deeds. Which of course DOES lead to legal troubles, as well as a scandal.

Karl calls Mary “idle, sensual and worthless,” and he’s right. But so is everyone else. This is a class of people who do nothing all day, and feel very good about it. Kristin Scott Thomas lends Mary a certain modern, comfortable quality. We can buy that she’s in pre-war Europe, but at the same time, she’s a ’90s gal we can relate to.

Anne Bancroft is quite good, as usual, as Princess San Ferdinando, Mary’s adviser and friend. The question is, will she remain loyal when the scandal breaks?

In a way, this is a romantic film with just a few thriller elements put in for effect. But how romantic is it? Mary falls for a married man, a man she cannot have. Romance may not always be the best solution, but we often go with it anyway — which perhaps just makes it all the more romantic (or foolish, depending on your point of view).

The film avoids quaintness, thank heavens, and manages to be down-to-earth even while showing us all these unbelievably puffed-up rich idiots. Sean Penn helps a lot in that area, keeping it real while still drawing us into this unfamiliar world (though Penn does occasionally seem aloof and distanced from the proceedings, like he’s hiding more than his character is).

“Up at the Villa” is interesting, if nothing else, and at times truly engrossing. Thomas, for all her likability, can’t quite carry the thing by herself, and it sometimes gets bogged down. But it has a resonance nonetheless, and often a strong one.

Adrenaline Drive (Japanese)

0

The Japanese “Adrenaline Drive,” written and directed by Shinobu Yaguchi, is a merry little romp through the world of gangsters, blood money and romance.

It’s a film that appear to be of little substance, unless you start asking questions about what happens when it’s over, “Are they REALLY going to be happy?” being chief among them.

Suzuki (Masanobu Ando) is a weak-willed rental-car clerk who accidentally rear-ends a car belonging to the Yakuza — the Japanese Mafia. Reluctantly, Suzuki visits their headquarters in order to settle things, whereupon an explosion kills most of them.

Meanwhile, timid bespectacled nurse Shizuko (Hikari Ishida), on her way home from work, sees the explosion and is naturally drawn in to help the survivors. She and Suzuki wind up in an ambulance together, which a not-quite-dead Yakuza causes to crash, which results in our two unlikely heroes running off with a huge bag of cash belonging to the gangsters.

Before long, the remaining Yakuza are after them. They’re a delightfully inept bunch, played by Japanese comedy group Jovi Jova, and between their incompetence and Shizuko and Suzuki’s indecisive worthlessness, it’s hard to know which is funnier. They’re all endearing, in their way.

From the hospital, head bad guy Yamada (Maggy) is not taking things lying down, except insofar as he’s forced to lie down, being quite battered and broken from the explosion. He, too, heads out after the duo, with the help of a mildly cooperative head nurse (Kazue Tsunogae).

Mixed in with all the cat-and-mouse stuff, deliberately paced and entertaining without being slapsticky, is a budding romance between Shizuko and Suzuki. It’s a sweet little story: “Japanese Nerds in Love,” you might call it, and it gives the film just a little extra oomph.

Not that it needs it. Even without the romantic subplot, “Adrenaline Drive” is a jaunty, enjoyable caper film.

Yet Another Letter to the Editor

0

(Please note: This is not a real letter. This is satire. We’re sorry we even have to explain that up front, but trust us, we do.)

To the Editor:

I read with horrific disgust the letters from people who feel the LDS Church has too strong a hold on politics in this state. I say, if you don’t like being around Mormons, move out of Utah! Remember, we were here first, unless you count the Indians (and honestly, why would you?). This is pretty much our state, and you’re lucky we’re even letting you stay in it, you non-members, you.

I am also surprised at the lack of appreciation for diversity in Utah. So a few Utahns want to practice polygamy. I say, let them! After all, the only people they’re hurting are the teen-age girls being forced into the loveless, stifling marriages. So if no one’s getting hurt (except for the aforementioned), why harass them?

It seems to me this state has better things to spend its resources on, like making sure the un-Christian people who speak out in favor of gun control are silenced, because their opinions have no basis in fact (“fact” being defined as “the statistics I heard somebody mention once”). If they’re going to speak out against the Second Amendment — which, I might remind you, was written by God Himself, right after He wrote “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” — then we should use the First Amendment to shut them up. And no, I don’t know what that means, either.

Need I remind you that the first thing Hitler did was make sure none of the citizens had guns? The other first thing he did was make sure the rutabaga was the national vegetable of Germany, so we can’t let anyone try that, either, for surely it, too, can only lead to Nazism. How can we not trust the NRA? Charlton Heston is their president. Need I remind you that he has played Moses AND John the Baptist in two separate lame movies? If ever there was a Christian, it is him.

And to make it illegal for teachers to bring guns to school! Such un-Christian ludicrousness! Why not just put up a sign saying, “Hey, crazy people who want to shoot a bunch of people, come in here! No one will be able to stop you!” Because we all know that most of your crazed shooters are very methodical and careful in the way they plan their shootings. No one ever just walks into a TV station or genealogy library at random; they first do a bit of checking on the place, making sure no one will be able to stop them, seeing where the exits are. They often can be found beforehand at the city hall, looking at old blueprints. I don’t think anyone fully appreciates the hours of research that goes into a crazed shooting.

If some of the teachers at Columbine High School had been armed, there would have been a lot more bullets flying than there were, and I think we can all agree that in any given situation, the more bullets fired, the better.

As for putting fluoride in the water supply: That’s the first thing Hitler did, you know, after those other first things he did. How dare the state of Utah try to inflict good dental hygiene on us? Such un-Christianness! Sure, fluoride is the part of toothpaste that actually cleans your teeth. But it’s also a chemical element. Have you looked at the periodic table lately? It’s right there! Next they’ll be pumping the water full of argon, or molybdenum, or manganese, and before you know it, we’ve all got great teeth, no guns, and Hitler’s in the White House.

I also object to something said by your columnist, Steve Cameron, the other day. In his so-called “column,” he expressed an opinion. How dare he? Where does he get off pulling such a stunt? Why does The Daily Herald waste paper and ink printing such atrocities? I seem to recall that a certain Mr. Hitler expressed a lot of opinions, too.

And while we’re on the subject, your so-called theater “critic,” Eric Snyder, recently wrote a theater review that was 500 words long, of which 12 were negative, the other 488 being very positive toward the production. Obviously, the “man” has no idea what he’s “talking” about “.” If he did, he would know that this was the finest play ever produced by mortal beings; in fact, I would not be surprised if God Himself had a hand in it, because I felt the Spirit while watching it, which obviously means it was well-acted, well-written, and well-directed. Yes, my daughter is in the play, but I fail to see how that’s relevant. Snyder obviously just doesn’t like theater. He also obviously was in a bad mood that night. He also obviously drives a foreign car and got poor grades in junior high school. There are a lot of things that are obvious, just from reading one article. If they’re not obvious to everyone else, too, well, surely there’s something wrong with you. The first thing Hitler did was stop seeing things that were obvious.

Wake up, Utah County!

LeVerDean ChrisTianSen
Payson

Robin Hood: Boooooooos and Arrows

0

“Sherwood” sounds like “sure would.” That’s the basis of several thousand jokes in Desert Star Playhouse’s “Robin Hood: Boooooooos and Arrows,” and the surprising thing is, they’re all really funny.

The show, the latest hit in a string of solid productions at Desert Star, is the typical musical-melodrama-parody, and a swift-moving one, too. Every scene crackles with comic energy, never dragging, and even the songs — often a weak link — are good. (Robin Hood and Maid Marion’s duet, to the tune of “Summer Love” from “Grease,” is particularly good: “She’s so cool, she really rocks/In a cartoon, he’d be a fox.” You have to remember Disney’s animated “Robin Hood” film, but once you do, oh man.)

The scaled-back story (Robin doesn’t even do any robbing from the rich or giving to the poor while he’s onstage) is that the evil Sheriff of Nottingham (Jack Drayton) is in cahoots with the also-evil Sheik Hugh Boote (Randy Tayler), whose name sounds like “shake your bootie” if you say it wrong, to overthrow King Richard.

It’s up to Robin Hood (Scott Holman, also director) to save the day, and to win the love of Maid Marion (Mary Parker Williams), with whom the Sheik is also smitten. Along for the ride is Little John (Ben Millet), who falls for Marion’s lady-in-waiting, Lady Clydesdale (Leslie Richards). There’s also the Sheriff’s bumbling henchman, Sir Guy (Jonathon Phipps, whom we like more and more every time we see him in a show here).

The negative points about this show are small, but worth mentioning. Lady Clydesdale is a fine character, but her Brooklyn accent seems to have been added primarily for the sake of annoyance, which it achieves. And Tayler is fantastically funny as the Sheik, what with his macho talk and girlish squeal, but his Arab accent often gets in the way of understanding him. For that matter, the English accents sometimes get a bit intrusive, too. Oh, and the post-show Olio is not nearly as fun as we’ve come to expect.

The rest of the show, though, is one entertaining bit of zaniness after another. The first evidence of the Sheriff’s evil, for example, is when we see him slapping an old lady around for not paying her taxes. (I’m sorry, but beating up an old lady = funny. I don’t make up the laws of comedy, I just recite them.) There’s also a great bit where Lady Clydesdale makes hand puppets in the shadow of Marion’s serious-song spotlight, and a wedding scene featuring three people dressed as brides, only one of which is actually a woman. (Men dressing as women also = funny.)

In fact, Desert Star Playhouse = funny. There, I’ve said it. Now they can quote me in their promotional materials.

Frequency

0

People go to the movies for one or more of these reasons: to laugh, to cry, to feel suspense and excitement, or to feel warm and fuzzy. “Frequency” is the rare item that blends all of those into one fine-tuned, engaging movie, rarely missteping and never failing to deliver what it promises: drama, pathos, humor, and thrills, all blended seamlessly together.

In October 1999, a cop in Queens named John Sullivan (James Caviezel), living in the house he grew up in, finds his dad’s old ham radio. On a whim he turns it on, and, through some cosmic fluke, starts talking to his dad, Frank (Dennis Quaid), exactly 30 years earlier. (They’re even both sitting at the same desk.)

The reunion is bittersweet. John loved his fireman dad, who died in a blaze when John was still young, and is overjoyed to talk to him again. Frank is confounded at the idea of his son — who is 6 years old and sitting in the next room — talking to him as a 36-year-old in the future.

As luck would have it, that fatal fire is only two days away. John is able to warn Frank about it, and he survives. All are happy.

One problem, though. The instant Frank survives that fire, everything else in John’s life changes. He didn’t grow up fatherless anymore. His mother, Julia (Elizabeth Mitchell), was not widowed. Everything Frank does from then on is something he wasn’t originally supposed to do.

The idea of changing the past and the future has been dealt with many times in movies, of course, and “Frequency” even borrows “Back to the Future’s” trick of having people disappear from photographs. Where “Frequency” departs, though, is in its psychology: As soon as Frank survives the fire, John is flooded with a NEW set of growing-up memories, which include his dad dying much, much later, this time of lung cancer — but he still remembers the “old” memories, too.

This becomes pivotal, as a serial killer in 1969 who murdered three nurses and was never caught, suddenly now had 10 victims (John, a cop, is privy to this information). Somehow, Frank living past Oct. 12, 1969, had a ripple effect that quashed whatever it was that stopped the killer — and one of his additional victims is Julia, making it imperative that John somehow help his dad, 30 years in the past, catch the bad guy.

This leads to a climax that is nothing short of brilliant, a truly innovative experiment in jaw-dropping suspense and giddy sci-fi excitement. I won’t spoil it; you’ll know it when it happens, and you’ll be thrilled at the ingenuity of it.

There is cleverness all around, in fact. The basic premise is interesting, as is the idea of “new memories” being inspired when the past is changed. Also, no film I know of has ever handled two stories, set in different times, so well, switching back and forth between them with absolute flawlessness.

The mark of a good story is to take a very specific situation and make it relevant to everyone. John and Frank’s ham-radio reunion is an impossible scenario, of course. But strong, tearful acting from Quaid and Caviezel, not to mention sensitive direction from Gregory Hoblit, makes it universal: It’s a boy getting one more chance to talk to his long-dead father. If you refuse to get choked up over that because of the implausibility of the science involved, then you need to go outside and come back when you’re ready to behave.

The film’s only mistake is its resolution, which is over-the-top sappy, complete with an unbearable Garth Brooks song. Up until that point, “Frequency” is genuinely heartfelt and innovative, a triumphantly original film that manages to thrill and uplift with equal deftness.

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

0

For everyone who liked the 1994 live-action “Flintstones” film, beware: Everything that made it enjoyable is absent from “The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas,” an unnecessary prequel in which we learn how Fred became a Jedi, and how Barney turned to the dark side.

Oh, sorry, that was a different prequel.

Anyhoo, “Viva Rock Vegas” follows the courtships of Fred (Mark Addy) and Wilma (Kristen Johnsten) and Barney (Stephen Baldwin) and Betty (Jane Krakowski). Wilma’s a socialite, being harassed by her rich mother (Joan Collins, in the part she was born to play) into marrying the rich but apparently loathsome Chip Rockefeller (Thomas Gibson).

Chip, in a transparent gesture of superficial goodwill that the foursome are somehow oblivious to, invites them to his new casino in Rock Vegas, where he tries to frame Fred and win back Wilma’s love, or something like that.

If you’ve watched the parentheses closely, you’ve observed that none of the first film’s cast is present in this one. This is too bad. Mark Addy may do a better Fred Flintstone voice — in fact, he does it admirably well, especially considering he’s a Brit — but John Goodman had so much more charisma than the forgettable Addy. Ditto for Rick Moranis as Barney, who gave the character some degree of reality and likability. Stephen Baldwin merely impersonates the famous cartoon voice without a drop of personality, like a new cast member in a lame “Saturday Night Live” sketch.

Aside from bad casting, though, the film suffers from bad humor. Rare is the gag that is not heavily telegraphed: Before a boulder falls on a man’s head, we first see him stop so that he is directly under it. When a waiter brings out an enormous cream pie, where else can it wind up but in someone’s face? And when we’re told that a dinosaur is suffering from gastro-intestinal problems, and Barney is given a huge rectal thermometer to check him out, naturally the dino is going to emit an huge, gale-force burst of flatulence. (Yes, all of that really happens in this movie. I just saw it, and I can’t believe it, either.)

About the time Fred and Barney infiltrate a Vegas stage show by dressing up as showgirls, it’s time to set down the popcorn and go.

The only real humor comes from Alan Cumming, the delightfully fey Scottish stage actor who plays the snide alien The Great Gazoo, as well as rock star Mick Jagged. Both characters are subtle and well-played, and better than the movie deserves, especially the dead-on parody of Mick Jagger. Seeing Cumming at work reminds us of how much better a mediocre movie can seem when solid actors are put to work in it, instead of the hacks we’re given here.

For the record, production values and costumes are top-notch, with impressive attention to detail.

Let’s face it, “The Flintstones” wasn’t all that funny as a TV show, and the jokes are really old by now. (Instead of someone being homeless, they’re called “caveless”!) Nothing new or clever is employed in “Viva Rock Vegas”; it’s just more of the same limp entertainment that might amuse some of the kids, but might bore them, too.

Where the Heart Is

0

You’d think a film with a title like this would be full of heartfelt sentiments and sweetness, but no. “Where the Heart Is” instead is full of poorly written Hollywood tripe, a coming-of-age story in which yeah, the main character gets older, but she doesn’t learn anything.

There’s white trash aplenty as Novalee Nation (Natalie Portman) starts out in Tennessee in 1995, pregnant and heading to California with her boyfriend, the unshowered and loathsome Willy Jack (Dylan Bruno). While stopped at a Sequoyah, Okla., Wal-Mart so Novalee can use the bathroom, Willy Jack cements his loathsomeness by taking off, leaving her with no money and no place to stay.

So she takes up residence in the Wal-Mart, hiding there when the store closes each night, and making sure to be out of sight again when the employees arrive in the morning. She does this for six weeks, at which point she gives birth and becomes a celebrity — the “Wal-Mart Mommy.”

(If you think it’s ridiculous that a person could live in a Wal-Mart for six weeks undetected, this movie is not for you. It is also ridiculous that Novalee is incredibly superstitious about the number five, and that the number five actually proves to be unlucky for her on several occasions, thus giving credence to her irrational fear. It’s also ridiculous when a tornado strikes and Novalee is seen holding on to the cellar door with one hand while the wind tries to carry her away, like in the movie “Twister.” Ridiculousness is something you’re just going to have to put up with if you intend to watch this movie.)

Soon she’s friends with a nice hospital nurse named Lexie (Ashley Judd), the five-time unwed mother who makes unwed motherhood seem so darned unsinful (take THAT, you religious nuts, and other people who believe the Bible!). And she’s living with local nice lady Thelma Husband (Stockard Channing). And she’s being best friends with — but not falling in love with (yeah, right) — local librarian/nice guy Forney (James Frain).

Her life is not without hardship, though, you can rest assured. She becomes a professional photographer, but only after literally seconds of buying an old camera and struggling to read a complicated book on the subject, with Forney helping her sound out the tough words. Her precious baby, Americus, even gets kidnapped by some religious zealots, though she is then promptly found, unharmed, in approximately one minute.

Not only do all the conflicts in this movie get resolved pretty fast, but the filmmakers are kind enough to tell us when they’re about to happen, too, so we’ll know what emotion to feel. Whether it’s by the musical score, or by someone saying, “It’s OK, I’ll be right back” just before heading out into a tornado, we always know when tragedy is about to strike. The audience should just be given a script telling them when to laugh or cry, as that would save the film the trouble of whacking them over the head with it.

We’re also treated to a subplot following loathsome Willy Jack’s rise to country-music superstardom. This has absolutely, positively NO RELATION WHATSOEVER to the main plot. It does, however, allow us to see the fabulous Joan Cusack as a Nashville music executive, and frankly, any excuse to put Joan Cusack on the screen is fine by me.

Natalie Portman, normally a fine actress, just phones it in here, giving us no insight at all into her character. The same goes double for everyone else. We see their lives in great detail, but learn nothing about what makes them tick. It’s a character drama with no characters, and in fact with very little drama.

The Big Kahuna

0

The influence of Samuel Beckett’s absurdist play “Waiting for Godot” is still being felt, lately in “The Big Kahuna,” a film based on the play “Hospitality Suite,” written (and adapted for the screen) by Roger Rueff.

The situation: Three salesmen for Lodestar Laboratories (makers of industrial lubricants) sit in a Wichita hotel suite, talking about salesmanship, their lives, and religion. Their “Godot” is Dick Fuller, a man who is the “big kahuna” of business-types who, if he buys Lodestar’s industrial lubricants, will make everybody very wealthy and very happy. The question is, will he show up?

Almost every single moment of the film takes place in the hotel suite, with only three characters to watch, yet it avoids claustrophobia and monotony by making those three characters compelling, and the dialogue snappy and funny.

First there’s Phil Cooper (Danny DeVito), a recently divorced man who’s a veteran in this business, and who is frankly growing weary of it. When others begin to panic at Fuller’s failure arrive — and then the fact that he may have been there and they didn’t know it — he keeps saying, “It’ll be all right.” That is his mantra, but the beleaguered look in his eyes suggests he’s not as sure of it as he sounds.

With him in the hotel at the film’s beginning is Bob Walker (Peter Facinelli), a young, idealistic rookie who’s been married six months and is quietly — but ferociously — religious.

His polar opposite is Larry Mann (Kevin Spacey), who arrives after a few minutes, busting up the place like a hurricane with his vulgarity, insults and unchangeable opinions.

Mann is the man here, and Kevin Spacey makes him so compelling you can’t NOT watch him. He uses coarse languge, but he’s clearly intelligent and mostly soft-spoken. He’s abrasive without being loud, and most of his prickly demeanor is just part of his act, a consequence of being closed off from his own emotions. (“I don’t know who I love,” he later tells Phil in a private moment. “There are a lot of people I like, but love? I don’t know.”)

Larry and Phil have been friends and colleagues for years, and they understand each other, for the most part. It is Larry who freaks out the most about Fuller’s no-show, for selling industrial lubricants — and doing a damn fine job of it — is all Larry has in his life. His dream is to be crowned “the big kahuna” himself.

DeVito gives what might be the best performance of his career, lending true humanity to Phil and acting as the perfect buffer between Larry and Bob.

Facinelli is only a half-step behind these two old pros. It would be difficult to act right next to Spacey and not seem like an amateur by comparison, but Facinelli holds his own in their high-intensity scenes together, which revolve around Bob’s insistence on bringing up religion every chance he gets, and whether that’s ethical in a business setting. (You can guess where Larry stands on the issue, though to be fair, it’s not as black-and-white as it sounds.)

The film’s only major misstep is in the final moments, as that faux-inspirational “graduation address” song from last year (the one with all the wise advice like “Don’t read fashion magazines; they will only make you feel ugly”) plays on the soundtrack. In fact, it’s a pretty odd mistake, considering how smooth the rest of the film has been to that point. Ignore that, and you’ve got an intelligent, thought-provoking comedy with just enough drama to make you keep watching.

Time Code

0

In one of the most inventive films in years, “Time Code” writer/director Mike Figgis set up four digital cameras to follow four sets of actors for 93 minutes, all without any cuts or edits. He also gave them only situations, allowing them to improvise much of the dialogue.

Improvised films are not new (“The Blair Witch Project”), nor are films that consist of one continuous shot with no cutting (“Rope”). What sets this apart is that all of the four little movies he came up with are shown to us at once, in four quadrants of the movie screen. It’s like sitting in the surveillance room at JC Penney and watching the different parts of the store all at once.

The obvious question, of course, is: Is it hard to follow. Do you have to ask? We’ve been raised with remote controls; many people find it hard NOT to watch more than one TV show at once. Two or three generations ago, people went out to see a play, and that was it. Now, plays often feature multi-media effects, movies have “movie-within-a-movie” plots, and knowing an actor’s behind-the-scenes contract disputes is often essential in understanding why a TV show’s stories go in the direction they do.

In short, “Time Code” is no more daunting a challenge than our media-saturated, multi-tasking brains are already living up to on a daily basis. Give yourself some credit, man.

And besides, it’s not like you’re watching four entirely different movies. The characters all inter-mingle; what it boils down to is an ensemble picture with a dozen or so characters and their own private subplots to keep track of. Their lives intersect, but the difference between this and other intersecting-lives films like “Pulp Fiction” is that rather than just showing us a character’s plot and then having him suddenly meet up with someone we already met in what we thought was going to be an unrelated side-story, we see it all happening at once. Instead of jumping around, showing us this person’s story, then this person’s, then that person’s, then showing how they all intersect, there’s no jumping. They’re all going on, but in different quadrants of the screen.

There is generally not much competing for attention. Usually, it’s clear where the main action is, and the sound gets turned down a bit in the other boxes. We can still watch, though. It’s a voyeuristic little treat, watching two characters (Selma Hayek and Jeanne Tripplehorn) drive to an audition (saying practically nothing of interest), while at the same time watching the producers of the film one of them’s going to audition for, while seeing the film studio head’s wife (Saffron Burrows) at a therapist, talking about her failing marriage, while learning that her husband, the studio head (Stellan Skarsgard) is having an affair with the woman who’s about to audition (Hayek), who is in a car driving with her lesbian lover (Tripplehorn), who is suspicious that something is going on.

A movie full of characters whose lives intersect in interesting ways is cool enough already; “Time Code” just takes it a step further.

As a movie, it’s not spectacular. The stories are not insightful or new, and the acting is nothing to write home about. But from a technical standpoint, it’s a sheer marvel.

There’s also some fine self-referential comedy about the filmmaking process itself. The whole thing is voyeuristic — often, one or more panels of the film consists of nothing more than a character walking down the street — and when Tripplehorn’s character suspects her lover is unfaithful, what does she do? She plants a microphone on her so she can hear what goes on. A dirty trick, sure, and an invasion of privacy — but it’s exactly what we’ve been doing the whole time.

Near the end (when, by the way, the film has lost most of its subtle observation of human relations and become rather farcical), someone pitches a crazy idea to the film studio: What about doing a movie in which four movies happen simultaneously, all shown on a screen divided into four quadrants? One of the suits dismisses it at “the most pretentious crap I’ve ever heard.” By admitting this potential self-importance, writer/director Figgis mounts a pre-emptive strike against critics who might be inclined to say the same thing about “Time Code.” (Remember when Jerry and George had an offer to do a show for NBC on “Seinfeld,” and Jerry thought George’s idea of “a show about nothing” was ridiculous?) Fortunately, “Time Code,” while it does rely a little too heavily on its gimmick — again, it would never work as a regular movie, because there’s just not much to it — nonetheless is comfortable enough with it to tweak it, make fun of it, and just generally enjoy itself. The format allows for some nice parallelism, too, like a moment when, for various reasons, the characters in each of the four quadrants are crying all at once.

Bossa Nova (Portuguese/English)

0

Bruno Barreto’s “Bossa Nova” is as appealing and gorgeous as a travel brochure for Rio de Janeiro, and just about as deep, too. It’s a movie about falling in love that can make you fall in love with … the scenery.

Rio is a gorgeous place, and the film makes it seem every bit the sunny, carefree paradise it’s often made out to be. The bossa nova soundtrack alone is enchanting. The plot and characters are breezy, too, making this a movie with very little lasting value, but one you don’t mind spending 90 minutes with.

Lawyer Pedro Paulo (Antonio Fagundes), while separated from his travel agent wife Tania (Debora Bloch), falls for Mary Ann (Amy Irving, the director’s wife), an American who has lived and taught English in Brazil since her husband died two years earlier. She’s still recovering from it all, and she is frightened of such modern things as Internet dating, which her student and friend Nadine (Drica Moraes) is doing so well at, she has a boyfriend in New York, a guy named Gary (Stephen Tobolowsky), who turns out to be a client of Pedro’s, which we find out after Nadine has visited travel agent Tania to book a flight to New York. Meanwhile, Pedro’s intern Sharon (Giovanna Antonelli) strikes the interest of his half-brother Roberto (Pedro Cardoso), while soccer superstar Acacio (Alexandre Borges) — another pupil of Mary Ann’s — also pursues her.

As you can see, the characters’ lives all intersect, and that’s half the fun. It’s not awfully original in that regard, but let’s face it, we’re all suckers for movies that exhibit cleverness in the way they assemble their storylines and characters. There’s something to be said, too, for a movie that’s not afraid to switch back and forth between English and Portuguese, depending on which language is more realistic for the scene. (I’d say the film is equally split between the two, with subtitles being provided where necessary.)

An air of comedy and mirth permeates the movie, a detriment only in one sitcom-style scene at an hospital, in which everyone is brought together so they can discover the connections they didn’t know about, and also so they can have about a million cases of mistaken identities and false impressions. Aside from that bit of contrivance, “Bossa Nova” is a well-played, utterly charming film.

Commencement Exorcises

0

BYU held its graduation ceremonies last week. As you know, BYU ends its semesters earlier than most universities, in order to give its students a head-start on not finding jobs. BYU students have been known to not find jobs nearly twice as fast as Harvard students, for example.

Graduation is a two-day process at BYU, the logic being typical of Mormon culture: Why have one meeting when you can have two? The first day is the big event, with general authorities, dignitaries and fireworks. The second day is the boring one, where each individual college does its own thing for its clump of graduates, tailoring the message to fit the people who majored in whatever it was they were offering.

So how do the colleges’ commencement speeches differ from one another? I’m glad you asked. Here are some excerpts from last week’s ceremonies.

FOR THEATER, FILM AND MUSIC MAJORS: Dean Leslie Prissy: “Remember, my young melodramatic friends, that while it was perfectly acceptable for you to wander around the Harris Fine Arts Center loudly reciting lines or singing pieces of music, people in the real world will look upon you as freaks if you do this publicly. In fact, people at BYU looked upon you as freaks when you did this. We suspect this is WHY you did it. As you go about your lives, trying to gain attention however you can, always remember what we have taught you here: You are the center of the universe. At some point, you may wish you had taken a regular General Education class, instead of finding some fine arts class that would count for it (such as taking ‘The History of the F-Sharp Chord’ instead of a real history class). When this day comes, fly into a hysterical, melodramatic fit and emotionally manipulate your friends into telling you how talented you are. Be careful not to shatter your fragile, gargantuan egos on the door frame as you exit the building.” (Lots of hugging and crying in the audience, causing mascara to run; some of the women also had this problem.)

FOR COMMUNICATIONS MAJORS: Dean Woodward von Bernstein: “And now, as you go out to work at The Daily Herald….”

FOR PHYSICAL EDUCATION MAJORS: Dean Brock Stockyard: “Dean not good with words. P.E. majors. Use skills in world. Be athlete. Be P.E. coach. Wear tiny shorts. BYU football rules! Woo-hoo!” (Loud, hooting cheers; many high-fives slapped; math majors beaten up.)

FOR COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJORS: Dean Seymour Reginald Foofer: “Can whoever gave me this wedgie please step forward and de-wedgify me? Thank you. As you embark into careers of professional nerdery, remember that they’re making another ‘Star Trek’ movie, which should hopefully make up for that awful ‘Star Wars’ film we just had to endure. They’re considering Leonardo DiCaprio — I mean, DiCRAPIO! — to play Anakin Skywalker in the next one. (snorting, derisive laughter) Oh, I’m sure that will be a wise decision indeed on the part of Mr. George Lucas! Leonardo wouldn’t know a Wookiee from a Tauntaun! (more snorting laughter; many audience members have to use their inhalers) Anyway, good luck in your chosen field, and may you not make your first million before you go on your first date. Live long and prosper!”

FOR ELEMENTARY EDUCATION MAJORS: Dean Marjorie Christiansen Johannsen Kapp Perry: “We’re so proud of all you special sisters who are graduating in elementary education, all seven of you. Many of your sisters, as you know, were only in the major to kill time until they got married, at which point they dropped out and moved to Wymount Terrace, where they’ve been popping out kids like Pez dispensers. I admire you seven for having the courage not to get married, and for sticking to it right up to the end. We’re not sure what happens now, as we’ve never actually had anyone graduate before, but we’ve asked the university to please make up some diplomas for you, and we have refreshments out in the foyer. Buh-bye!”

FOR HUMANITIES MAJORS: Dean Plato L. Rembrandt: “Many have told you that it is impossible to find a career as a humanities graduate. To this I say, pshaw! Why, as long as there are humanities students, there will always be a need for humanities teachers. Aside from that, yeah, you’re pretty much screwed. Sorry, no refunds.” (quickly escapes out the back door)