I admit I was discouraged when my screenplay adaptations of the “Twilight” novels were rejected by Hollywood for being “too short” and “written in crayon” and “potentially not serious.” But I swore I would adapt all the books no matter how many movies they split them into, and a man’s word is his bond. Here is my submission for the final entry, “Breaking Dawn — Part 2.” If you see it in theaters, you’ll notice they stole a lot of my ideas.
By Eric D. Snider
EDWARD: Oh, Bella! We’re the same temperature now! Finally your body is as cold and lifeless as you are.
BELLA: I’m so glad to be a vampire. It’s what I’ve always wanted, ever since I found out you were one. It’s what I’ve always wanted for the last 18 months or so.
EDWARD: Just be careful. It can take a while for newly “born” vampires to get used to their new powers.
BELLA: [looks up from the mangled mountain lion carcass she’s devouring] Hmm? What? Oh, speaking of newborns, didn’t we have a baby? What happened with that?
EDWARD: She’s fine. She’s growing quickly, though. She was born two days ago and already she’s three years old, and made of CGI.
BELLA: Were the doctors able to perform name-correction surgery?
EDWARD: No, I’m sorry. They did everything they could, but she’s still called Renesmee.
BELLA: So tragic.
* * * * *
BELLA: You know what’s great about being a vampire? We can have sex all the time without ever getting tired! Isn’t that amazing?
EDWARD: Not as amazing as making five movies about sex without ever saying the word “sex.”
JACOB: Sorry to interrupt you guys, but do you want to see your baby?
BELLA: Hoo boy, Jacob! Now I know what the vampires were talking about! You stink!
JACOB: That’s actually just Axe Body Spray.
EDWARD: How is our little Renesmee?
JACOB: As creepy and inhuman as her parents. Listen, Bella, I need to tell you something. I sort of accidentally imprinted on your baby, if you know what I mean.
BELLA: I do not.
JACOB: Well, you see, when a werewolf loves a baby very much, he becomes soulmates with it. We actually can’t control who or what we imprint on. My uncle imprinted on a table! I know it sounds weird, but all it means is that I’m deeply connected to Renesmee and will one day have to marry her or I will die. We’re registered at Petco and Gymboree.
BELLA: Hmm. Well, that sounds legit.
EDWARD: It sounds to me like an excuse to keep Jacob in the story long after his character has stopped being useful.
BELLA: I can see that.
EDWARD: It also sounds like an insane, twisted consolation prize for a character who never had a chance of getting the girl he loved but whom the author didn’t want to send away sad because fans liked him too much.
BELLA: Another good point.
JACOB: You’re a jerk, Edward. Now I’m not going to let you walk her down the aisle, unless we get married before she learns how to walk.
* * * * *
BELLA: Dad, I need to tell you something. But first I have to know: How gullible are you?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m quite gullible. Quite gullible indeed.
BELLA: Mm-hmm, good, good. So you’d believe anything I told you, no matter how nonsensical?
CHARLIE: Absolutely. As a father and a police officer, I’m prepared to accept without skepticism any lunatic story I hear.
BELLA: Great! Well, Edward and I adopted a baby that I definitely did not give birth to and that definitely is not growing at seven times the normal human rate! And I may or may not be a vampire, which Edward also may or may not be, but I’d prefer you not ask any questions.
CHARLIE: OK! Sounds good! Catch ya later! Not sure why I was in this story to begin with!
* * * * *
EDWARD: Bad news, everyone. Irina told the Volturi that Rensmee is a monstrous aberration called an “immortal child” that must be destroyed.
BELLA: What?? But she isn’t! She’s an abomination, sure, a creature whose very existence is an affront to the laws of nature, God, and man. But she’s not dangerous!
CARLISLE: I know that, and you know that, and this whole family of extraneous vampires whose names run together in my memory knows that. But the Volturi don’t know it.
EDWARD: There’s only one way they’ll believe that Renesmee is not a threat. We’ll need to recruit a couple dozen vampires from around the world to serve as witnesses.
BELLA: How will the witnesses know Renesmee’s true nature?
CARLISLE: Oh, it will be obvious just by meeting her.
BELLA: So … why don’t we just have the Volturi meet her?
EDWARD: What, and miss the chance to pad out this thin story by 30 minutes??
CARLISLE: Come on, Bella. We’re having enough trouble justifying splitting the book in two parts as it is.
* * * * *
ARO THE CRAZY VOLTURI: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you all for meeting me out here on a frozen lake! Let’s get down to business! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
RANDOM NEW VAMPIRES: Renesmee will not harm you. She is gentle and sweet and engaged to a nice werewolf boy from a good family.
ARO: Huh! You’re right! Now that I’ve met her, I can see that.
BELLA: I told you!
ARO: But I’m thinking of killing everyone anyway, just for giggles.
BELLA: Jacob! Take Renesmee and run!
JACOB: Feets don’t fail me now! [cartoon sound effect as he scampers away]
ARO: Don’t let them escape!
CARLISLE: We must defend ourselves!
ARO: Kill them all!
VAMPIRE WHO CAN CONTROL THE ELEMENTS: I am controlling the elements!
VAMPIRE WITH ELECTRIC HANDS: I have electric hands!
DAKOTA FANNING: I don’t have any lines!
EMMETT: When was the last time you saw this many decapitations in a PG-13 film?
JASPER: Never! There has literally never been a PG-13 film with this many decapitations!
ALICE: Psych! Just kidding! None of that happened. The book didn’t have a climax, so we had to make one up for the movie. Nobody died, everything’s fine, you can forget the whole thing.
AUDIENCE: Tell that to the pants we just wet!
* * * * *
BELLA: Now that that’s all settled, we can move on with our lives. Our eternal, never-ending lives.
EDWARD: You became a vampire just so you could be with me. What a sacrifice!
BELLA: And now we can be together forever. FOR. EVER.
BELLA: We’re never going to die, and we’re going to be with each other, exclusively, until the end of time.
BELLA: Just think of it! You’ll never be with, or so much as look at, another woman. The girl you’re sitting with in this meadow right now is the only girl you’ll ever touch for the remainder of your unnatural life, which will extend for countless millennia. And I’ll never acknowledge the existence of another man, or have any friends or outside interests except for you. It’ll be you and me, just the two of us, 24 hours a day, every day, with no variations or surprises, for alllllllll eternity!
EDWARD: The people who said this wasn’t a horror story didn’t know what they were talking about.