Another “Twilight” movie, another crushing disappointment that they didn’t use the screenplay I submitted. I don’t know who this “Melissa Rosenberg” person is, but if she thinks her interpretation of Stephenie Meyer’s sacred prose is better than mine, she is mistaken. Here’s the script I wrote. You tell me which one is better.
By Eric D. Snider
EDWARD: Bella, I love you, and I want to go all the way with you. And by that I mean, I want to marry you.
BELLA: Ugh, you men are all alike. Don’t you ever think about anything other than monogamous commitment and eternal fidelity?
EDWARD: I’m sorry, it’s just how I am. Marry me!
BELLA: Change me!
EDWARD: … Change you? Listen, I don’t care how close we are, if you had an “accident,” you’re gonna have to–
BELLA: I meant change me into a vampire.
EDWARD: Oh. Well, I’ll only do that if you marry me.
BELLA: Why do we need a ceremony and a piece of paper to prove we love each other? Isn’t it enough that you stalk me day and night and that I once jumped off a cliff because you went to Italy?
EDWARD: Oh, Bella. So modern and liberated!
* * * * *
CHARLIE: Bella, I wish you’d spend less time with Edward and more time with anyone who isn’t Edward.
BELLA: Like who, Dad?
CHARLIE: Anyone. Seriously, ANYONE. What about that creepy guy who gave you a ride on his motorcycle in the last movie? Have you kept in touch with him?
BELLA: Oh, Dad.
CHARLIE: Or what about Jacob? He’s a good boy. Loyal, obedient, well-trained, house-broken. Such a good boy! He’s such a good boy!
BELLA: I promise I’ll spend less time with Edward, but only if I can continue to think about Edward when I’m not with him.
CHARLIE: It’s a deal.
BELLA: Mmm… Edward…
BELLA: Can’t talk. Thinking about Edward.
* * * * *
EDWARD: I don’t want you hanging out with Jacob. Werewolves are dangerous and unpredictable. You never know when he might rip you to shreds, or kiss you. Has he even had his shots?
BELLA: I’ll be fine. OK, there he is. I gotta go.
EDWARD: Ugh. Doesn’t he own a shirt?
BELLA: What are you talking about? This is the first time he’s been shirtless in this movie.
EDWARD: Well, I know, but he usually doesn’t wear one.
BELLA: Yeah, but he’s been wearing one every time you’ve seen him recently.
EDWARD: I’m just saying, he is frequently shirtless.
BELLA: And I’m just saying, that joke would have been better if you’d waited to use it until he’d been shirtless a few times in a row.
EDWARD: Forget it.
JACOB: Hi, Bella! Hello, Russell Brand with eyebrows.
EDWARD: Hello, Adam Lambert on steroids.
BELLA: Come on, you two! This fighting that goes on between you, that I’m the cause of, and that I work hard to perpetuate — I’m tired of it! From now on, I’m Switzerland: neutral, cold, remote, and undesirable.
* * * * *
BELLA: I had a lovely evening with you, Jacob, except for the part where you kissed me against my will. As you know, I only do things that I want to do, or that Edward tells me to do. Oh, hey, look, Edward is here, at my house!
EDWARD: Hi, Bella. Hello, “Gossip Girls” background extra.
JACOB: Hello, lead singer of Joy Division.
EDWARD: What’s this about you kissing her?
JACOB: I couldn’t help it! She smelled like Snausages!
EDWARD: That’s it, we’re having you neutered.
BELLA: Now, now. I think one asexual male around here is plenty.
(They move toward the house.)
EDWARD: Wait! Something’s wrong. (sniffs around) Another vampire was here. He was in your bedroom!
EDWARD: He’s been spying on you. Bella — have you been seeing another obsessive stalker behind my back? How could you?
BELLA: No! I promise! If another vampire is stalking me, it’s without my permission! Can you tell if he’s cute, though?
EDWARD: We have to protect you.
JACOB: Wait, how did a vampire get inside Bella’s house without being invited?
EDWARD: What, are you new here?
* * * * *
BELLA: I don’t want to wait until I’m a vampire. Let’s make sexytimes right here, right now!
EDWARD: Bella, you don’t know what you’re asking. If I make sweet, sweet vampire love to you — a human — the force and power of that sweet, sweet lovemaking will kill you. I will rip your arms off and beat you with them. Your organs will melt. Your marrow will boil and your bones will explode.
BELLA: You know that talking about all the ways I might die only turns me on, right?
EDWARD: OK, you win. You women are all alike, intent on having sex when all a man wants is celibacy. I promise that before I turn you into a vampire, we can play Vlad the Impaler once. But I insist that we be married first!
EDWARD: So I can tell my friends I did it with a married chick.
* * * * *
CARLISLE: Strange things are happening. People from Seattle have been disappearing!
JASPER: Tell me about it. Alice in Chains hasn’t toured in forever, and when’s the last time anyone heard from Soundgarden?
CARLISLE: I mean kids! Young people! Victoria vampirized an Abercrombie & Fitch model named Riley, and she’s having him build an army of bloodsuckers.
BELLA: Ooh, is that who’s stalking me? This Riley fellow? What are his cheekbones like?
CARLISLE: Cool your jets, Juno. They’re trying to kill you.
BELLA: Sigh. Between Victoria wanting me dead, Edward stalking me, Riley stalking me, and Jacob making unwelcome sexual advances against me, I’m like my own episode of “Special Victims Unit.”
JASPER: Yeah, you’re “special,” all right.
CARLISLE: Our only choice is to team up with the werewolves and protect Bella.
JACOB: No matter how poorly Bella treats me, I will do anything to save her life.
BELLA: That’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy? Jacob’s a good boy!
* * * * *
BELLA: I’m freezing to death in this stupid tent on this stupid mountain, and whose stupid idea was this, anyway?
EDWARD: I wish I could help you, but I don’t produce body heat.
BELLA: Because you’re a vampire?
EDWARD: No, because I’m English.
JACOB: Not to worry! As a werewolf, I produce a shload of heat!
BELLA: Oh, heavens! In order to save my life, Jacob will have to take off his clothes and share a sleeping bag with me — right in front of my beloved Edward, who must pass the night consumed with jealousy!
JON LOVITZ AS SNL CHARACTER EVELYN QUINCE: Ooooohh! What a ribald tale! My face is crimson!
* * * * *
BELLA: Jacob, I’m sorry you had all your bones broken by vampires, and that I didn’t tell you I was engaged to Edward.
JACOB: It’s OK. My wounds heal quickly because I’m a werewolf, and I eagerly forgive people’s mistreatment of me because I’m a schmuck.
BELLA: I’m so glad you are those things.
EDWARD: We need to go, Bella. We have plans to make! We need to reserve a church for the wedding, a cheap motel for the sex, and a dark alley for the vampirizing!
BELLA: I can’t wait till I’m a vampire! It’ll be great to be a soulless monster with a ruthless, unquenchable thirst without also having to be a model.
EDWARD: Yes, it’s really terrific. I’ll change you as soon as we’re married.
BELLA: And then I’ll change you, too!
EDWARD: Uh, you will?
BELLA: Of course! We’ll start with all those hours you spend hanging out with your friends, and I really think you’re too close to the Cullens, and of course you need to find a job, and don’t even get me started on your hair. Then there’s the question of your workout regimen…
EDWARD: Somebody get me a stake!
This column was originally published at Cinematical, at a time when I wasn't writing "Snide Remarks" regularly but wanted to continue the "Twilight" tradition.
Here's the "SNL" sketch I couldn't stop thinking about during the tent scene. Jon Lovitz did this character another time, too, when Tom Hanks was the host, but I prefer this Mel Gibson one.