If it seemed like everywhere you went this weekend you saw nothing but men, it’s because every ovary-bearing creature in America was watching “New Moon.” Fabric stores and Hot Topics throughout the land closed their doors, and the Lifetime Network went off the air, as all of womankind gathered to see the further adventures of their sullen heroine, Bella Swan, and her various supernatural boyfriends. The film made an astonishing amount of money, which makes me all the more bitter that my screenplay adaptation of the book was rejected. Here it is, so you can compare it with what they used instead.
By Eric D. Snider
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella! You’re 18 now, old enough to make adult decisions and choose your own path!
BELLA: Eh, I think I’ll just keep doing whatever Edward wants.
CHARLIE: If I had any actual relevance in your life I’d be concerned. Anyway, here’s a camera. Use it to take pictures of your friends.
BELLA: When you say “friends,” do you mean “friend,” and do you specifically mean Edward?
CHARLIE: Who else would I mean? The classmates you’ve been ignoring since you first laid eyes on Whitey von Pastyface?
* * * * *
BELLA: Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you’re huge! I’ve never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don’t have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I’m standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder. Jacob, why are you so buff all of a sudden?
JACOB: Oh, um, no reason. This happens to all Native Americans when they turn 16. Hey, you don’t have any Snausages on you, do you?
* * * * *
“Twilight” (2008) B-
My Rejected ‘Twilight’ Screenplay
CARLISLE: Happy birthday, Bella! We thought it would be fun for you if we stood around posing like models while you opened some gifts from us.
BELLA: Well, I’m really not big on birthdays, but OK.
EDWARD: Bella, you’re bleeding!
BELLA: Look, just because I’m in a grumpy mood doesn’t mean you can blame it on —
EDWARD: No, you have a paper cut!
BELLA: Oh. That.
EDWARD: Let me get you a Band-Aid.
BELLA: Jasper, why are you pouring salt and pepper on me?
JASPER: Um, because you’re bland? Hello?
EDWARD: Jasper! Do not eat my girlfriend!
BELLA: (thinking) Dear diary: Today Edward finally called me his girlfriend!!
EDWARD: That’s it. Bella, the Cullens are leaving Forks, and we’re never coming back. It’s totally for other reasons, though, and not because Jasper tried to kill you.
BELLA: What?? What other reasons??
EDWARD: I don’t love you. I don’t want you. I’m no good for you. Stay away from me. I hate you.
BELLA: This is so sudden! It comes immediately after Jasper’s attempt on my life and is clearly nothing more than you lying to protect me, and yet I take you completely at your word that you simply don’t love me anymore! My heart is breaking! My dumb, dumb heart!
* * * * *
JESSICA: I’m so glad we’re hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I’d forgotten what a drag you also are when you’re not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don’t do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I’m here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I’ve missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I’m doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don’t! It’s reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don’t argue with Ghost Edward!
BELLA: What are you, my conscience? Get lost, Jiminy Cricket.
* * * * *
BELLA: Jacob, I was hoping you would help me restore this old motorcycle and in the process fall deeper in love with me despite knowing for certain that you will never have me.
JACOB: I’d love to be your consolation prize! I just need to go for a walk first. Hang on, I’ll get my leash.
BELLA: You’re really sweet, Jacob. I’m gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle. Just you try and stop me, Ghost Edward….
JACOB: Bella! You crashed! Are you OK? Here, let me take off my shirt and leave it off for the remainder of the film.
BELLA: I approve of this.
JACOB: Sorry I’ve been acting a little weird lately. The other guys in my pack — I mean tribe — have been hounding me — I mean bugging me — to join them. Here come some of them now!
BELLA: Are they friendly?
JACOB: Hang on, I’ll see. (Sniffs their butts.) Yeah, they’re cool.
SAM: What’s up, dawg? Sorry to interrupt your puppy love here. We’re gonna go chase some cars, wanna come with us?
JACOB: You’re barking up the wrong tree.
BELLA: Right, you’re werewolves, I get it.
JACOB: What gave it away??
BELLA: Oh, probably the story you told me in the last movie about your ancestors being werewolves.
JACOB: In hindsight, that may have been unwise on my part.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves — it’s like I’m living in “Monster Mash.” My life is a Halloween novelty song.
JACOB: You should stay away from me. I’m dangerous.
BELLA: I’ve been getting that a lot lately.
JACOB: I’m gonna go carouse with my wolf buddies. As you can see, they’re already shirtless, too.
BELLA: I know! I haven’t seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!
* * * * *
ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you’re dead, and he’s going to kill himself! It’s just like the end of “Romeo and Juliet,” which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who’s ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don’t even know who you’re talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They’re creepy, soulless monsters — and that’s just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)
* * * * *
ALICE: There’s Edward! He’s standing in the doorway of that church, revealing himself to the crowd!
BELLA: Edward! Stop! Put your shirt back on!
EDWARD: You don’t want people to know I’m a vampire?
BELLA: No, it’s just that after spending so much time with Jacob I’m embarrassed for you.
ARO: Edward, your girlfriend knows too much. She must be killed.
ALICE: Wait! I had a vision! In the future, Bella is a vampire, too.
EDWARD: Spoiler alert!
ARO: Well, why didn’t you say you were thinking of converting? That changes everything! Mazel tov!
BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it’s for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.
* * * * *
JACOB: Oh good, you’re back from Italy, and you brought a heroin addict with you. No, wait, that’s Edward.
EDWARD: Cram it, Teen Wolf. Bella is mine now, and she doesn’t need some mangy mutt slobbering all over her.
JACOB: Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
EDWARD: I don’t like you now!
(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)
EDWARD: Bad dog! Bad dog!
BELLA: (thinking) Where do his pants go, anyway?
EDWARD: Fetch, boy! (throws a rock; JACOB runs after it) Bella, I’ll agree to turn you into a vampire, but only on two conditions. First, you have to marry me.
BELLA: OK. What’s the second one?
EDWARD: No pets.
(Fade to black; roll credits; pump theaters with Axe Body Spray to neutralize the dangerous levels of estrogen.)