Remember how you read “Eclipse” and wished that you were a teenage girl named Bella so that a vampire named Edward would give you a beautiful engagement ring like the one described in the book? I have good news! The people at Infinite Jewelry Co. — working with “Twilight” mastermind Stephenie Meyer — have designed a real ring to help you live that fantasy! It’s yours for the low price of $1,999, currently discounted to $1,979 if you order before the “Eclipse” movie comes out! Save up your babysitting money!
Yes, this is weird, and it’s not the only weird “Twilight”-related merchandise now available. Like Star Wars fans, Twilight fans have demonstrated that they will buy anything with the appropriate logo on it, no matter how stupid it is. So you can’t blame a capitalist for taking advantage of the situation. We think they can do better, though. Here are our ideas, which any enterprising company may use as long as they cut us in on the profits.
Edward Cullen Sunscreen. Let’s say you want to sparkle in the sun like a vampire (not a traditional vampire, but the special “Twilight” kind), but you don’t want to get a sunburn. You need Edward Cullen Sunscreen, which is embedded with tiny particles of glitter and also offers a protection level of SPF 2,000. Slather it on and stay outside all you want, shining and sparkling gloriously without burning. The best part is, no one will ever think you’re a vampire! Because if you were you couldn’t be in the sun at all. Just sayin’.
Jacob’s Nair-wolf Chest Ensmoothener. This is for all you male Twihards out there! What? Stop laughing. Seriously, maybe there are guys who have hairy chests but want to be as silky smooth as Jacob, and who want to look for excuses to take their shirts off, all the time, in public. From the makers of Nair comes this product, which gently removes hair at the roots and leaves you with a glass-like Jacobian shine. (Note: Abs not included.)
“Twilight” (2008) B-
My Rejected ‘Twilight’ Screenplay
“New Moon” (2009) C+
My Rejected ‘New Moon’ Screenplay
“Eclipse” (2010) B
My Rejected ‘Eclipse’ Screenplay
Five Product Ideas Better Than Bella Swan’s Engagement Ring
“Breaking Dawn — Part 1” (2011) B-
My Rejected ‘Breaking Dawn — Part 1’ Screenplay
“Breaking Dawn — Part 2” (2012) B-
My Rejected ‘Breaking Dawn — Part 2’ Screenplay
Dear ‘Twilight’: Thank You for Ending
Bella Swan Pre-Written Edward Diary. How many times has this happened to you? You fall in love with a boy, you devote every waking thought to him, you reconfigure your life so that it revolves entirely around him — but you just don’t have time to fill your diary with descriptions of him. That’s where this handy product comes in. It’s a regular diary, but it’s been pre-filled with goopy thoughts, written in a teen girl’s handwriting, on every subject imaginable: what he was wearing today, what he smelled like today, whether any of his relatives attempted to eat you today, etc. There’s even a section for when he’s broken your heart, where his name is written over and over again, followed by several blank pages. Available in Edward or Jacob — or, for an additional fee, with the boy’s name of your choosing, in case you happen to be in love with an actual boy in your actual life.
Creepy Stalker Cut-Out. Every girl dreams of having a boyfriend who will peer through her window and stare at her while she sleeps, unaware of his presence. But few girls get to experience this unhealthy obsession firsthand. That’s why you need the life-sized Creepy Stalker Cut-Out, available in Edward or Jacob, which you can tape to your window to give the appearance of a watchful, mentally imbalanced boyfriend.
[My editor at Film.com let me do just about anything I wanted, but he declined to run this last item:]
Baby Sucks-a-Lot, the Vampire Doll. Given the current limitations of biology, it is unlikely that you will ever be impregnated with a vampiric fetus and enjoy the experience of carrying it to term, letting it chew its way out of you, and so forth. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a vampire baby, at least for pretendsies! Baby Sucks-a-Lot looks like a regular baby doll, except with fangs and sparkly vampire skin. Attach the fangs to the Baby Sucks-a-Lot Blood Bottle (sold separately) and watch her drink the precious fluid down, down, down! All babies slowly leech the life out of their parents, but Baby Sucks-a-Lot does it like a real vampire would: adorably! (Warning: Do not breastfeed Baby Sucks-a-Lot.)