My Rejected 'New Moon' Screenplay
Snide Remarks #617
"My Rejected 'New Moon' Screenplay"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in EricDSnider.com on November 23, 2009
If it seemed like everywhere you went this weekend you saw nothing but men, it's because every ovary-bearing creature in America was watching "New Moon." Fabric stores and Hot Topics throughout the land closed their doors, and the Lifetime Network went off the air, as all of womankind gathered to see the further adventures of their sullen heroine, Bella Swan, and her various supernatural boyfriends. The film made an astonishing amount of money, which makes me all the more bitter that my screenplay adaptation of the book was rejected. Here it is, so you can compare it with what they used instead.
By Eric D. Snider
Scene 1
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella! You're 18 now, old enough to make adult decisions and choose your own path!
BELLA: Eh, I think I'll just keep doing whatever Edward wants.
CHARLIE: If I had any actual relevance in your life I'd be concerned. Anyway, here's a camera. Use it to take pictures of your friends.
BELLA: When you say "friends," do you mean "friend," and do you specifically mean Edward?
CHARLIE: Who else would I mean? The classmates you've been ignoring since you first laid eyes on Whitey von Pastyface?
* * * * *
Scene 2
BELLA: Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder. Jacob, why are you so buff all of a sudden?
JACOB: Oh, um, no reason. This happens to all Native Americans when they turn 16. Hey, you don't have any Snausages on you, do you?
* * * * *
Scene 3
CARLISLE: Happy birthday, Bella! We thought it would be fun for you if we stood around posing like models while you opened some gifts from us.
BELLA: Well, I'm really not big on birthdays, but OK.
EDWARD: Bella, you're bleeding!
BELLA: Look, just because I'm in a grumpy mood doesn't mean you can blame it on --
EDWARD: No, you have a paper cut!
BELLA: Oh. That.
EDWARD: Let me get you a Band-Aid.
BELLA: Jasper, why are you pouring salt and pepper on me?
JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?
EDWARD: Jasper! Do not eat my girlfriend!
BELLA: (thinking) Dear diary: Today Edward finally called me his girlfriend!!
EDWARD: That's it. Bella, the Cullens are leaving Forks, and we're never coming back. It's totally for other reasons, though, and not because Jasper tried to kill you.
BELLA: What?? What other reasons??
EDWARD: I don't love you. I don't want you. I'm no good for you. Stay away from me. I hate you.
BELLA: This is so sudden! It comes immediately after Jasper's attempt on my life and is clearly nothing more than you lying to protect me, and yet I take you completely at your word that you simply don't love me anymore! My heart is breaking! My dumb, dumb heart!
* * * * *
Scene 4
JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!
BELLA: What are you, my conscience? Get lost, Jiminy Cricket.
* * * * *
Scene 5
BELLA: Jacob, I was hoping you would help me restore this old motorcycle and in the process fall deeper in love with me despite knowing for certain that you will never have me.
JACOB: I'd love to be your consolation prize! I just need to go for a walk first. Hang on, I'll get my leash.
BELLA: You're really sweet, Jacob. I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle. Just you try and stop me, Ghost Edward....
JACOB: Bella! You crashed! Are you OK? Here, let me take off my shirt and leave it off for the remainder of the film.
BELLA: I approve of this.
JACOB: Sorry I've been acting a little weird lately. The other guys in my pack -- I mean tribe -- have been hounding me -- I mean bugging me -- to join them. Here come some of them now!
BELLA: Are they friendly?
JACOB: Hang on, I'll see. (Sniffs their butts.) Yeah, they're cool.
SAM: What's up, dawg? Sorry to interrupt your puppy love here. We're gonna go chase some cars, wanna come with us?
JACOB: You're barking up the wrong tree.
BELLA: Right, you're werewolves, I get it.
JACOB: What gave it away??
BELLA: Oh, probably the story you told me in the last movie about your ancestors being werewolves.
JACOB: In hindsight, that may have been unwise on my part.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves -- it's like I'm living in "Monster Mash." My life is a Halloween novelty song.
JACOB: You should stay away from me. I'm dangerous.
BELLA: I've been getting that a lot lately.
JACOB: I'm gonna go carouse with my wolf buddies. As you can see, they're already shirtless, too.
BELLA: I know! I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!
* * * * *
Scene 6
ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)
* * * * *
Scene 7
ALICE: There's Edward! He's standing in the doorway of that church, revealing himself to the crowd!
BELLA: Edward! Stop! Put your shirt back on!
EDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.
ARO: Edward, your girlfriend knows too much. She must be killed.
ALICE: Wait! I had a vision! In the future, Bella is a vampire, too.
EDWARD: Spoiler alert!
ARO: Well, why didn't you say you were thinking of converting? That changes everything! Mazel tov!
BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.
* * * * *
Scene 8
JACOB: Oh good, you're back from Italy, and you brought a heroin addict with you. No, wait, that's Edward.
EDWARD: Cram it, Teen Wolf. Bella is mine now, and she doesn't need some mangy mutt slobbering all over her.
JACOB: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
EDWARD: I don't like you now!
(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)
EDWARD: Bad dog! Bad dog!
BELLA: (thinking) Where do his pants go, anyway?
EDWARD: Fetch, boy! (throws a rock; JACOB runs after it) Bella, I'll agree to turn you into a vampire, but only on two conditions. First, you have to marry me.
BELLA: OK. What's the second one?
EDWARD: No pets.
(Fade to black; roll credits; pump theaters with Axe Body Spray to neutralize the dangerous levels of estrogen.)
[This article is copyrighted material. Brief excerpts, properly attributed, may be quoted elsewhere, but please do not re-post the article in its entirety without written permission from the author.]
This item has 57 comments
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Joe says:
November 22, 2009 at 11:52 pmWell written Eric. Being at the theatre reminded me of the audible swooning that occurs in old episodes of Saved By The Bell when AC would enter the room with bulging brown muscles
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Alfred says:
November 23, 2009 at 1:07 amI keep telling my native American friends this movie will get them a lot of chicks.
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marian says:
November 23, 2009 at 4:13 amI´m one of these Twilight obssessed girls and I laughed so much as I read this! Just as I did reading your screenplay for the first movie. Can´t wait to read the next one (as I can´t wait to see more Jacob with no shirt on). :)
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Aaron says:
November 23, 2009 at 4:20 amBy the steroids of A-Rod! Ha! Brilliant. As always.
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Chrystle says:
November 23, 2009 at 5:04 am"Whitey Von Pastyface". *Snork*
Um, yeah. Excuse me while I catch my breath and put the link on my facebook page to combat all of the fangirl sucrose squeals.
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Victoria says:
November 23, 2009 at 5:34 amTerrific! I love this so much, and I'm huge fan of Twilight - gotta be able to laugh at it, too.
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Angimally says:
November 23, 2009 at 6:07 amAh, you made my day! Though I think you missed the melodramatic music that played in the background of every scene. Oh dear, did I just admit to having watched this horrid movie? Well...it was free.
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Should B. Too Old says:
November 23, 2009 at 6:23 am"I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!"
This is EXACTLY what I and my late twenty-something friends will be thinking when we watch the film now. Thanks for putting the thought in our heads :-)
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Lohengrin says:
November 23, 2009 at 7:16 amWhew! I thought I was going to actually watch this movie in order to make fun of it. I can now remain smugly condescending towards those little Twighlightetts. Now I can get the condensed version thus saving time and money.
Eric, you're a life saver.
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Turkey says:
November 23, 2009 at 8:01 amConsolation prize. Ha!
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Christy says:
November 23, 2009 at 8:12 am"JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?"
SNAP.
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Neil says:
November 23, 2009 at 9:03 amHooray for being married to a woman who doesn't care about Twilight!
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Euphrasie says:
November 23, 2009 at 9:09 am"after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you." Hahahahaha! So true...
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Christina D says:
November 23, 2009 at 9:21 amThis is awesome, Eric. I love it!
I also must specify that I am another of the very few womenfolk who don't like the Twilight books and I have no intention of seeing the movie in theaters. It is possible that I will rent and watch it so I can make fun of it, like I did with the last one. We'll see.
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Scotty P says:
November 23, 2009 at 10:12 amBrilliant! Genius! God bless you Eric D.!!
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mommy says:
November 23, 2009 at 11:04 amI was so hoping you would do this...thanks!
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Adrienne says:
November 23, 2009 at 11:41 amI like Death Cab for Cutie...
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aaron says:
November 23, 2009 at 12:22 pmThese are great.
I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle.
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Joey says:
November 23, 2009 at 12:50 pmI'd like to punch the mug of Robert Pattinson a lot more than Matthew Mcconaughey! It's everywhere.
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Sarah Clark says:
November 23, 2009 at 1:31 pmRock on, Eric! I'm glad you did this again! I am female and in no way a Twilight fan. I actually use the series in a domestic violence group I run at work to highlight what a codependent, addictive, and emotionally abusive relationship looks like. The teen girls I work with still swoon over Edward. (And I try not to vomit.) Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, for creating a heroine who has no strength, personality, or life without her man. We didn't have enough of those...
I'm waiting until it hits the dollar theater, and then hubby and I will do our Statler and Waldorf impressions and laugh at the buffoons on the screen (and in the theater).
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Jenn says:
November 23, 2009 at 7:38 pmI am one of those Twilight fans, & am happy to say that I am still grounded enough in reality to have laughed until I cried at this peice of fiction. Once again Eric, your flashes of brilliance have dazzled me like Edward on a sunny day.....or Jacob with no shirt.....sorry, what were we talking about again?
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Rude Dog says:
November 23, 2009 at 9:21 pm"Cram it, teen wolf" was my favorite
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SusyQ says:
November 23, 2009 at 9:37 pmThis is seriously awesome. I do believe that I am the only girl living who thinks that Bella is an idiot and Edward is a jerk. haha.
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Sarah_authoress says:
November 23, 2009 at 11:03 pmI love Twilight but I have to say, the fan girls ruin just about everything. Constantly squeeling at either Edward or Jacob...
Parodys are meant to be hilarious and this screenplay certainly lives beyond this expectation.
Excellent work!
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Carina says:
November 24, 2009 at 12:11 amIf Bella had really been sitting w/her knee up for 3 months those pins and needles would have been a bitch.
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Rob D. says:
November 24, 2009 at 4:39 amYou definitely have a talent for these. This was pretty good. I will admit that your Titanic and first Twilight screenplay was legendary and just overall amazing. Try to write more of these :)
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Spencer says:
November 24, 2009 at 9:57 amHilarious. You have a gift, Eric. Thanks for sharing it.
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Phloatre says:
November 24, 2009 at 10:46 amGreat writing! Where can I find the Twilight and Titanic ones?
"I need a walk let me get my leash!" (Jacob)
I laughed so hard I almost peed. You are awesome!
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Curtis Gibby says:
November 24, 2009 at 11:27 amThe Bram Stoker head-exploding comment reminded me of this Foxtrot comic. Very funny.
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The Former 786 says:
November 24, 2009 at 1:10 pmBeautiful!
That was just beautiful!
Well done, Eric. I plan to use "Don't argue with Ghost Edward!" in everyday conversation now.
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melis says:
November 24, 2009 at 2:40 pmYOU. TOTALLY. ROCK.
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denali_dragon says:
November 24, 2009 at 5:28 pmWell, I bear ovaries, but frankly my ovaries couldn't bear to be anywhere near a theater playing this Harlequin-Romance-meets-Monster-Mash-melodrama. And now you tell me your superior screenplay adaptation was rejected?! Hollywood, you're hopeless. It had all the important 'no' elements, right? Guys with no shirts; a girl with no will,no mind and no personality of her own; no real plot; and no real chance that any of these characters will ever do anything remotely logical. Eric, you were robbed.
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Jill says:
November 24, 2009 at 8:14 pmBest. Recap. EVER!
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lawrence says:
November 24, 2009 at 10:11 pmI think you should join our cause, the ANTI-Girls who believe "TWILIGHT" is real movement. We could use the help.
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lawrence says:
November 24, 2009 at 10:12 pmYou should join our movement: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=179993684669
we could use the help
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Seanette says:
November 24, 2009 at 11:38 pmMy ovaries are unanimously spectacularly indifferent to "Twilight" (and I'm also Mormon, for a double shock of indifference).
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Bridget Jack Meyers says:
November 25, 2009 at 6:51 amBELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.
Seeing somebody else use an interfaith marriage joke in the context of vampire fiction makes me giddy.
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Sariah says:
November 25, 2009 at 8:53 amI am in awe of your awesomeness. I'm a fan of the first two Twilight books, and can take or leave the movies. But this was abso-friggin-lutely hilarious. Off to call my husband to read it to him.
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Shane says:
November 25, 2009 at 1:26 pm"Bella: I haven't seen this much smooth underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!"
Funniest line to ever be in a Twilight spoof.
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Chelsea says:
November 25, 2009 at 3:11 pmEDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.It's like you were inside my head while I watched the movie.
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Stacy says:
November 25, 2009 at 9:11 pmI would hate to put you through a lot of unnecessary pain just for my amusement but could you read the other two books? I would love to hear your take on those as well...especially Breaking Dawn, with the ever-so-grotesque birth scene and confusing as hell narrative switch during the second act of the book.
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Bill says:
November 26, 2009 at 10:18 pmLOL!! You need to take over the Darwin awards.
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Jackie says:
November 27, 2009 at 6:07 pmi love the twilight series, but this is always funny lol. it makes me laugh hardcore.
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The Lola Letters says:
November 28, 2009 at 7:38 pmJust found out about your blog and read ALL of your rejected screenplays. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
Totally linked you to my New Moon Review post. I wrote (and photographed) a full "Twilight" review last year, but am too lazy to do it again. Plus, yours is so funny, I figure who in their right mind would want to try to improve on that?
It's here
http://thelolaletters.blogspot.com/2009/11/review-of-new-moonfinally.html
if you want to see it. Oh, and nevermind the part where I say that I want to lock you in my closet and poke you whenever I need a good laugh...I was totally kidding. Totally.
Maybe.
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Betty says:
November 28, 2009 at 10:18 pmYou're brilliant. I love reading your rejected screenplays!!!
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Becky Miller says:
November 29, 2009 at 10:03 pmBrilliance. The movie could have been 10 minutes long with you at the helm!
I did go to the midnight showing, I admit, and I tweeted during the Edward-under-the-clocktower scene: Oh, geez, Edward! Put your shirt back on! No one wants to see that!
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Taylor says:
November 30, 2009 at 2:26 pmSo, I've learned an important lesson today:
Never read a new Eric Snider column while "multitasking" (read: feigning interest) during a work-related conference call.
That "Snausages" reference brought me within a hair's breadth of snorting with laughter during a very inopportune moment.
Fwhew... That was close...
Well played, Eric! ;-)
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Gary says:
December 1, 2009 at 3:32 pmMy best line vote goes to "Cram it, Teen Wolf." As always, very funny.
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Ron says:
December 4, 2009 at 12:49 pmEric, brilliant as usual and so helpful because once again, I get the picture without actually having to see the picture. Love it!
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Kate says:
December 6, 2009 at 8:38 amI'm fan of the Twilight Series (a guilty pleasure) AND a fan of Eric Snider and his spoofs. Quite a conundrum...
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Annette says:
December 7, 2009 at 8:48 amI don't know that I've laughed or snorted so many times in such a short period--ever.
Beautifully done.
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Kyle says:
December 9, 2009 at 1:25 pmAwesome. That was so great.
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EW says:
December 16, 2009 at 10:18 pmMy only sadness is that you made no mention of Edward's man-eating eyebrows.
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Alison Moore Smith says:
January 8, 2010 at 4:53 pmI'm crying. And I haven't even seen the movie!
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Hyrum says:
January 8, 2010 at 5:05 pmEric
Not as funny as the first one, but still good.
You should change
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)
to
BRAM STOKER: (head asplode)
to increase the subtle humor.
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Brooke Severe says:
January 11, 2010 at 12:12 pm(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)
Now, that was a good idea.
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Roxie says:
February 3, 2010 at 1:07 pmWhen I pulled this page up a Breaking Dawn casting ad was on the page..I laughed at the irony...Your site has brought me much joy as I sit in my German class...the teacher is dull as most germans are and it brightens my day:D
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Comments & Reaction:
I wrote a similar parody of "Twilight" last year that got a lot of links and hits and positive feedback, and what am I if not a shameless whore who will gladly go back to the well if he thinks there's more stuff there? The "Twilight" parody was based on the book more than the movie, though, whereas this is based only on the movie version of "New Moon," on account of I haven't read the book. I'm told the movie is pretty faithful to it, and that nobody ever wears a shirt in the book either.