Eric D. Snider

My Rejected 'New Moon' Screenplay

Snide Remarks #617

"My Rejected 'New Moon' Screenplay"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on November 23, 2009

If it seemed like everywhere you went this weekend you saw nothing but men, it's because every ovary-bearing creature in America was watching "New Moon." Fabric stores and Hot Topics throughout the land closed their doors, and the Lifetime Network went off the air, as all of womankind gathered to see the further adventures of their sullen heroine, Bella Swan, and her various supernatural boyfriends. The film made an astonishing amount of money, which makes me all the more bitter that my screenplay adaptation of the book was rejected. Here it is, so you can compare it with what they used instead.

MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "NEW MOON"
By Eric D. Snider

Scene 1

CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella! You're 18 now, old enough to make adult decisions and choose your own path!
BELLA: Eh, I think I'll just keep doing whatever Edward wants.
CHARLIE: If I had any actual relevance in your life I'd be concerned. Anyway, here's a camera. Use it to take pictures of your friends.
BELLA: When you say "friends," do you mean "friend," and do you specifically mean Edward?
CHARLIE: Who else would I mean? The classmates you've been ignoring since you first laid eyes on Whitey von Pastyface?

* * * * *

Scene 2

BELLA: Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder. Jacob, why are you so buff all of a sudden?
JACOB: Oh, um, no reason. This happens to all Native Americans when they turn 16. Hey, you don't have any Snausages on you, do you?

* * * * *

Scene 3

CARLISLE: Happy birthday, Bella! We thought it would be fun for you if we stood around posing like models while you opened some gifts from us.
BELLA: Well, I'm really not big on birthdays, but OK.
EDWARD: Bella, you're bleeding!
BELLA: Look, just because I'm in a grumpy mood doesn't mean you can blame it on --
EDWARD: No, you have a paper cut!
BELLA: Oh. That.
EDWARD: Let me get you a Band-Aid.
BELLA: Jasper, why are you pouring salt and pepper on me?
JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?
EDWARD: Jasper! Do not eat my girlfriend!
BELLA: (thinking) Dear diary: Today Edward finally called me his girlfriend!!
EDWARD: That's it. Bella, the Cullens are leaving Forks, and we're never coming back. It's totally for other reasons, though, and not because Jasper tried to kill you.
BELLA: What?? What other reasons??
EDWARD: I don't love you. I don't want you. I'm no good for you. Stay away from me. I hate you.
BELLA: This is so sudden! It comes immediately after Jasper's attempt on my life and is clearly nothing more than you lying to protect me, and yet I take you completely at your word that you simply don't love me anymore! My heart is breaking! My dumb, dumb heart!

* * * * *

Scene 4

JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!
BELLA: What are you, my conscience? Get lost, Jiminy Cricket.

* * * * *

Scene 5

BELLA: Jacob, I was hoping you would help me restore this old motorcycle and in the process fall deeper in love with me despite knowing for certain that you will never have me.
JACOB: I'd love to be your consolation prize! I just need to go for a walk first. Hang on, I'll get my leash.
BELLA: You're really sweet, Jacob. I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle. Just you try and stop me, Ghost Edward....
JACOB: Bella! You crashed! Are you OK? Here, let me take off my shirt and leave it off for the remainder of the film.
BELLA: I approve of this.
JACOB: Sorry I've been acting a little weird lately. The other guys in my pack -- I mean tribe -- have been hounding me -- I mean bugging me -- to join them. Here come some of them now!
BELLA: Are they friendly?
JACOB: Hang on, I'll see. (Sniffs their butts.) Yeah, they're cool.
SAM: What's up, dawg? Sorry to interrupt your puppy love here. We're gonna go chase some cars, wanna come with us?
JACOB: You're barking up the wrong tree.
BELLA: Right, you're werewolves, I get it.
JACOB: What gave it away??
BELLA: Oh, probably the story you told me in the last movie about your ancestors being werewolves.
JACOB: In hindsight, that may have been unwise on my part.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves -- it's like I'm living in "Monster Mash." My life is a Halloween novelty song.
JACOB: You should stay away from me. I'm dangerous.
BELLA: I've been getting that a lot lately.
JACOB: I'm gonna go carouse with my wolf buddies. As you can see, they're already shirtless, too.
BELLA: I know! I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!

* * * * *

Scene 6

ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)

* * * * *

Scene 7

ALICE: There's Edward! He's standing in the doorway of that church, revealing himself to the crowd!
BELLA: Edward! Stop! Put your shirt back on!
EDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.
ARO: Edward, your girlfriend knows too much. She must be killed.
ALICE: Wait! I had a vision! In the future, Bella is a vampire, too.
EDWARD: Spoiler alert!
ARO: Well, why didn't you say you were thinking of converting? That changes everything! Mazel tov!
BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.

* * * * *

Scene 8

JACOB: Oh good, you're back from Italy, and you brought a heroin addict with you. No, wait, that's Edward.
EDWARD: Cram it, Teen Wolf. Bella is mine now, and she doesn't need some mangy mutt slobbering all over her.
JACOB: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
EDWARD: I don't like you now!

(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)

EDWARD: Bad dog! Bad dog!
BELLA: (thinking) Where do his pants go, anyway?
EDWARD: Fetch, boy! (throws a rock; JACOB runs after it) Bella, I'll agree to turn you into a vampire, but only on two conditions. First, you have to marry me.
BELLA: OK. What's the second one?
EDWARD: No pets.

(Fade to black; roll credits; pump theaters with Axe Body Spray to neutralize the dangerous levels of estrogen.)


[This article is copyrighted material. Brief excerpts, properly attributed, may be quoted elsewhere, but please do not re-post the article in its entirety without written permission from the author.]

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Notes:

I wrote a similar parody of "Twilight" last year that got a lot of links and hits and positive feedback, and what am I if not a shameless whore who will gladly go back to the well if he thinks there's more stuff there? The "Twilight" parody was based on the book more than the movie, though, whereas this is based only on the movie version of "New Moon," on account of I haven't read the book. I'm told the movie is pretty faithful to it, and that nobody ever wears a shirt in the book either.

This item has 70 comments

  1. Joe says:

    Well written Eric. Being at the theatre reminded me of the audible swooning that occurs in old episodes of Saved By The Bell when AC would enter the room with bulging brown muscles

  2. Alfred says:

    I keep telling my native American friends this movie will get them a lot of chicks.

  3. marian says:

    I´m one of these Twilight obssessed girls and I laughed so much as I read this! Just as I did reading your screenplay for the first movie. Can´t wait to read the next one (as I can´t wait to see more Jacob with no shirt on). :)

  4. Aaron says:

    By the steroids of A-Rod! Ha! Brilliant. As always.

  5. Chrystle says:

    "Whitey Von Pastyface". *Snork*

    Um, yeah. Excuse me while I catch my breath and put the link on my facebook page to combat all of the fangirl sucrose squeals.

  6. Victoria says:

    Terrific! I love this so much, and I'm huge fan of Twilight - gotta be able to laugh at it, too.

  7. Angimally says:

    Ah, you made my day! Though I think you missed the melodramatic music that played in the background of every scene. Oh dear, did I just admit to having watched this horrid movie? Well...it was free.

  8. Should B. Too Old says:

    "I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!"

    This is EXACTLY what I and my late twenty-something friends will be thinking when we watch the film now. Thanks for putting the thought in our heads :-)

  9. Lohengrin says:

    Whew! I thought I was going to actually watch this movie in order to make fun of it. I can now remain smugly condescending towards those little Twighlightetts. Now I can get the condensed version thus saving time and money.

    Eric, you're a life saver.

  10. Turkey says:

    Consolation prize. Ha!

  11. Christy says:

    "JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?"

    SNAP.

  12. Neil says:

    Hooray for being married to a woman who doesn't care about Twilight!

  13. Euphrasie says:

    "after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you." Hahahahaha! So true...

  14. Christina D says:

    This is awesome, Eric. I love it!

    I also must specify that I am another of the very few womenfolk who don't like the Twilight books and I have no intention of seeing the movie in theaters. It is possible that I will rent and watch it so I can make fun of it, like I did with the last one. We'll see.

  15. Scotty P says:

    Brilliant! Genius! God bless you Eric D.!!

  16. mommy says:

    I was so hoping you would do this...thanks!

  17. Adrienne says:

    I like Death Cab for Cutie...

  18. aaron says:

    These are great.

    I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle.

  19. Joey says:

    I'd like to punch the mug of Robert Pattinson a lot more than Matthew Mcconaughey! It's everywhere.

  20. Sarah Clark says:

    Rock on, Eric! I'm glad you did this again! I am female and in no way a Twilight fan. I actually use the series in a domestic violence group I run at work to highlight what a codependent, addictive, and emotionally abusive relationship looks like. The teen girls I work with still swoon over Edward. (And I try not to vomit.) Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, for creating a heroine who has no strength, personality, or life without her man. We didn't have enough of those...

    I'm waiting until it hits the dollar theater, and then hubby and I will do our Statler and Waldorf impressions and laugh at the buffoons on the screen (and in the theater).

  21. Jenn says:

    I am one of those Twilight fans, & am happy to say that I am still grounded enough in reality to have laughed until I cried at this peice of fiction. Once again Eric, your flashes of brilliance have dazzled me like Edward on a sunny day.....or Jacob with no shirt.....sorry, what were we talking about again?

  22. Rude Dog says:

    "Cram it, teen wolf" was my favorite

  23. SusyQ says:

    This is seriously awesome. I do believe that I am the only girl living who thinks that Bella is an idiot and Edward is a jerk. haha.

  24. Sarah_authoress says:

    I love Twilight but I have to say, the fan girls ruin just about everything. Constantly squeeling at either Edward or Jacob...

    Parodys are meant to be hilarious and this screenplay certainly lives beyond this expectation.

    Excellent work!

  25. Carina says:

    If Bella had really been sitting w/her knee up for 3 months those pins and needles would have been a bitch.

  26. Rob D. says:

    You definitely have a talent for these. This was pretty good. I will admit that your Titanic and first Twilight screenplay was legendary and just overall amazing. Try to write more of these :)

  27. Spencer says:

    Hilarious. You have a gift, Eric. Thanks for sharing it.

  28. Phloatre says:

    Great writing! Where can I find the Twilight and Titanic ones?

    "I need a walk let me get my leash!" (Jacob)

    I laughed so hard I almost peed. You are awesome!

  29. Curtis Gibby says:

    The Bram Stoker head-exploding comment reminded me of this Foxtrot comic. Very funny.

  30. The Former 786 says:

    Beautiful!

    That was just beautiful!

    Well done, Eric. I plan to use "Don't argue with Ghost Edward!" in everyday conversation now.

  31. melis says:

    YOU. TOTALLY. ROCK.

  32. denali_dragon says:

    Well, I bear ovaries, but frankly my ovaries couldn't bear to be anywhere near a theater playing this Harlequin-Romance-meets-Monster-Mash-melodrama. And now you tell me your superior screenplay adaptation was rejected?! Hollywood, you're hopeless. It had all the important 'no' elements, right? Guys with no shirts; a girl with no will,no mind and no personality of her own; no real plot; and no real chance that any of these characters will ever do anything remotely logical. Eric, you were robbed.

  33. Jill says:

    Best. Recap. EVER!

  34. lawrence says:

    I think you should join our cause, the ANTI-Girls who believe "TWILIGHT" is real movement. We could use the help.

  35. lawrence says:

    You should join our movement: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=179993684669

    we could use the help

  36. Seanette says:

    My ovaries are unanimously spectacularly indifferent to "Twilight" (and I'm also Mormon, for a double shock of indifference).

  37. Bridget Jack Meyers says:

    BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.

    Seeing somebody else use an interfaith marriage joke in the context of vampire fiction makes me giddy.

  38. Sariah says:

    I am in awe of your awesomeness. I'm a fan of the first two Twilight books, and can take or leave the movies. But this was abso-friggin-lutely hilarious. Off to call my husband to read it to him.

  39. Shane says:

    "Bella: I haven't seen this much smooth underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!"

    Funniest line to ever be in a Twilight spoof.

  40. Chelsea says:

    EDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
    BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.

    It's like you were inside my head while I watched the movie.

  41. Stacy says:

    I would hate to put you through a lot of unnecessary pain just for my amusement but could you read the other two books? I would love to hear your take on those as well...especially Breaking Dawn, with the ever-so-grotesque birth scene and confusing as hell narrative switch during the second act of the book.

  42. Bill says:

    LOL!! You need to take over the Darwin awards.

  43. Jackie says:

    i love the twilight series, but this is always funny lol. it makes me laugh hardcore.

  44. The Lola Letters says:

    Just found out about your blog and read ALL of your rejected screenplays. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

    Totally linked you to my New Moon Review post. I wrote (and photographed) a full "Twilight" review last year, but am too lazy to do it again. Plus, yours is so funny, I figure who in their right mind would want to try to improve on that?

    It's here

    http://thelolaletters.blogspot.com/2009/11/review-of-new-moonfinally.html

    if you want to see it. Oh, and nevermind the part where I say that I want to lock you in my closet and poke you whenever I need a good laugh...I was totally kidding. Totally.

    Maybe.

  45. Betty says:

    You're brilliant. I love reading your rejected screenplays!!!

  46. Becky Miller says:

    Brilliance. The movie could have been 10 minutes long with you at the helm!

    I did go to the midnight showing, I admit, and I tweeted during the Edward-under-the-clocktower scene: Oh, geez, Edward! Put your shirt back on! No one wants to see that!

  47. Taylor says:

    So, I've learned an important lesson today:

    Never read a new Eric Snider column while "multitasking" (read: feigning interest) during a work-related conference call.

    That "Snausages" reference brought me within a hair's breadth of snorting with laughter during a very inopportune moment.

    Fwhew... That was close...

    Well played, Eric! ;-)

  48. Gary says:

    My best line vote goes to "Cram it, Teen Wolf." As always, very funny.

  49. Ron says:

    Eric, brilliant as usual and so helpful because once again, I get the picture without actually having to see the picture. Love it!

  50. Kate says:

    I'm fan of the Twilight Series (a guilty pleasure) AND a fan of Eric Snider and his spoofs. Quite a conundrum...

  51. Annette says:

    I don't know that I've laughed or snorted so many times in such a short period--ever.

    Beautifully done.

  52. Kyle says:

    Awesome. That was so great.

  53. EW says:

    My only sadness is that you made no mention of Edward's man-eating eyebrows.

  54. Alison Moore Smith says:

    I'm crying. And I haven't even seen the movie!

  55. Hyrum says:

    Eric

    Not as funny as the first one, but still good.

    You should change

    BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)

    to

    BRAM STOKER: (head asplode)

    to increase the subtle humor.

  56. Brooke Severe says:

    (JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)

    Now, that was a good idea.

  57. Roxie says:

    When I pulled this page up a Breaking Dawn casting ad was on the page..I laughed at the irony...Your site has brought me much joy as I sit in my German class...the teacher is dull as most germans are and it brightens my day:D

  58. AlanSmithee says:

    Wow. People actually thought your faux script was funny? No wonder you're an online critic on Rotten Tomatoes. You suck as much as 90% of the critics on that site. Try writing an actual script, and see what happens. Quick, dig up that episode of "Baywatch" you wrote!

  59. Annie says:

    Yay!! An angry comment!

  60. Tanya says:

    Wow - this (and the previous Twilight entry) really were funny.... albeit somewhat adolescent in form - but makes for a good laugh.

    Although I am curious (and truly it is just a curiosity because I have no idea) .... how much money does a blog like this make for a person in comparison to the amount of money that a 4 novel book series coupled with a sequel movie deal will have made Stephanie et al?

    Parody and sarcasm are ever so popular forms of humour, albeit also the lowest known form of wit - but I've never really understood why people feel the burning need to undermine the inarguable success of others by telling the world how horrible the successful person is at what they did.

    "OMG do you SUCK at what you do! I guess that's why you're getting paid hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of dollars to be such an unbelievable failure! Darn it all anyways how I would HATE to have signing authority on your bank account!"

    LMFAO.... like I said, humourous for sure.... but so utterly pointless.

    BUT what REALLY cracks me up is the amount of TIME people spend ridiculing other people! It's mind boggling. Many of these posts will have taken over a half an hour or more of peoples' time to read and respond.... yet my response (more than triple the length of most of them) took all of 6.5 minutes! Why on earth do people waste their time obsessing? Whether they are obsessive fans or obsessive complainers.

    It truly is fascinating!

  61. John D says:

    Eric, please say that you're planning to do this screenplay thing for the third and fourth movies. That would just make my day.

  62. Steve says:

    To Tanya (#60)

    A few points:

    1) I don't know for sure, but I'd be willing to bet that Mrs. Meyer has made significantly more money on the Twilight series than Eric has made on his blog.

    2) Making a lot of money at something is not necessarily a reflection of the quality of what you do. How many people do you know who would say that McDonald's makes the best hamburger they have ever tasted? For me, that number is right around zero, yet McDonald's is by far the most profitable hamburger chain in the world. By your own logic, since McDonald's gets paid millions of dollars every year for its burgers, the burgers must be very good. So people should not make fun of McDonald's in a comedy piece, since McDonald's is financially successful? Really?

    3) Making fun of something that has been financially successful undermines the success that has been achieved? You honestly believe that Eric's little parodies will undermine Mrs. Meyer's success? Did Al Yankovic (who probably has a MUCH larger following than Eric Snider) undermine the success of Michael Jackson or Madonna or Don McLean or Star Wars or eBay?

    4) Just because Eric doesn't make tons of money (I admit that I am making an assumption here) by writing parodies of Twilight, that doesn't mean that there's no money to be made in parodies (see, as previously mentioned, Al Yankovic)

    4) You say that the piece is funny, but pointless. That statement is contradictory. The entire point of the piece is to BE funny. That's its reason for existence. If you admit that it's funny, then it has made its point.

    5) I doubt that Eric has a burning need to undermine the success of others by telling the world that they suck. Eric reviews films and writes humor. His point in reviewing films is to let others know if the film is worth spending their hard-earned money on. The point of his humor writing is to make people laugh (and by your own admission, this parody had you laughing your f------ a-- off). In neither case is his goal to undermine anything. In fact, his first and most famous film parody was of "Titanic," a film which he says that he enjoyed. He watched it twice and was entertained by it twice. That doesn't mean that he should not have written the parody script, because the parody was funny and made some very good points.

    6) You lump parody and sarcasm together. These are two very different forms of expression. And on what do you base your assertion that they (especially parody) are the lowest forms of wit? What do you mean by "low"? Unsophisticated? Crude? Base? Unfair? Sleazy? Existing at Sea Level?

  63. Chani says:

    Too funny :o) I will relate it to my teenage daughter who will either fall about laughing, or faint from indignation LOL

  64. SweetPeace says:

    What's the matter Tonya (#60)? No sophisticated answers for Steve (#63)? This screenplay was hilarious as opposed to your boring comments about the writer. Now you have raised my curiosity. How much money do you make slamming the keyboard in an attempt to express your opinion? And to borrow your phrase, ....."so utterly pointless".

  65. Megan says:

    Your screen plays are no longer completely rejected. While browsing the net for good scripts for the GLHS Drama Club to perform for their annual spring performance which consists of various scripts, I found your two "rejected" screen plays and instantly fell in love :D They are now to be performed in two weeks by the GLHS Drama Club, with full credit given to you for your genius interpretations. So thank you immensely for creating such wonderful spoofs!

  66. Rima says:

    I'm thinking to make an animation based on this. what do you say?

  67. Rima says:

    To Tanya (#60)

    By the Way, considering the "top 40" hits, popular movies & some popular books, all of which are the most grossing these days, popular demand is the opposite of what's a really "good" movie/book/band.

    Radiohead, for instance, are a more interesting band(that's my opinion) than lady gaga, yet that's not reflected when I switch on the radio.

  68. Tricia says:

    Thank you for satirising this tragedy of a series. It should be mocked and I am glad there are so many people out there who are sane and grounded enough to realise these books are terrible. I thought your screenplay was great, and I hope it gets animated. I was saddened by the comment made by Tanya who seems to think that as long as a person has made lots of money that they are above criticism. Yes, the series has been very successful; but it still gives the message to teenage girls that it is ok to be dominated by a controlling and abusive older man who makes all your decision for you. Oh yes and stalks you. PMSL over the heroin addict comment and the bran stocker bits. REAL VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!

  69. Sarah-Lee says:

    simply hilarious

  70. MisaMisaEK says:

    COPYRIGHT???!!! Dude I could totally have this novel written if long phrases and more funniness in the words of a best selling author like i want to be in a week!!! Just give me the rights! LOL seriously funny xD

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