Eric D. Snider

My Rejected 'Twilight' Screenplay

Snide Remarks #601

"My Rejected 'Twilight' Screenplay"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on November 24, 2008

The movie "Twilight" opened this weekend to the delighted squeals of teenage girls and sexually frustrated middle-aged women everywhere. The novel it's based on has been enjoyed by millions of readers, and hailed as the best book they've ever read by people who don't read a lot of books, so anticipation for the movie was running high. I thought it turned out OK -- but frankly, I was disappointed they didn't use the screenplay adaptation that I submitted. Since they didn't, here it is. To everyone who saw the movie this weekend: Do you think mine is better???

By Eric D. Snider

Scene 1

BELLA: I'm sad to leave the hellish, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of rubes. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different!
DAD: Hi, Bella! Welcome to Forks, Washington. I'm glad you've stopped playing mother to your own flighty, irresponsible mom and come here to be my mother instead.
BELLA: It will be my pleasure to cook and clean for you.
DAD: I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair!
BELLA: I ... have no response for that.

* * * * *

Scene 2

BELLA: It's tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can't they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself?
CLASSMATE: You're awesome, Bella!
BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey -- who are those hot people over there?
CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians.
BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.
CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.
BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I'm not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow -- LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.
CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.

* * * * *

Scene 3

EDWARD: Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute.
BELLA: There is something strange about you.
EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don't know what you mean.
BELLA: I just can't put my finger on what it is.
EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You're imagining things.
BELLA: I feel like you're hiding something from me.
EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit's blood) Don't be silly!
BELLA: It's like you're different somehow.
EDWARD: (turns into bat; flies away)
BELLA: Hmm. I bet he's gay.

* * * * *

Scene 4

JACOB: You should be careful with those Cullens. Many moons ago, our tribe's elders, who were werewolves, made a pact with the Cullens, who were vampires. They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos.
BELLA: What, still? Even after all this time has passed?
JACOB: Nope.
BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians?
JACOB: I know, right?
BELLA: Let me guess -- you're a character whose only job is to provide exposition, and you won't be useful until the next book.
JACOB: Yes. At the earliest.

* * * * *

Scene 5

BELLA: Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me.
EDWARD: No problem. If anyone's going to tear you limb from limb and gorge themselves on your sweet, delicious, life-giving blood, it's going to be me.
BELLA: Aw, you say the nicest things! I'm pretty sure you're a vampire, that I'm in love with you, and that part of you wants to kill me.
EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me.

* * * * *

Scene 6

EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball!
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats?


EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They've been very eager to eat you.
BELLA: You mean meet me?
EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say?
ALICE: I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human!
EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you'd better go. I don't want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling.
BELLA: Right! I wouldn't want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off!

* * * * *

Scene 7

MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: You puny humans are so predictable and weak. Now I've got you alone, free to toy with you and torture you and deliver lengthy explanatory monologues to you! I just hope I don't waste so much time fartin' around that when I finally do decide to kill you it's too late because Edward and the Cullens have arrived to save you!
BELLA: That would certainly be an unusual twist!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: I must say, I can see why Edward likes you. Your smell is overpowering!
BELLA: Oh, you can smell that? Sorry, I thought I could sneak one out....
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Never mind! At last it is time for me to--
EDWARD: Not so fast, Count Jerkula!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Edward! And the Cullens! Who could have foreseen your perfectly timed arrival?!
ALICE: I could have! Didn't, but could have!

(Fighting ensues. MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES is vanquished.)

EDWARD: Bella! Are you OK? He bit you! I've got to suck out the vampire poison!
BELLA: Edward, you don't have to make up excuses to put your mouth on me. I mean honestly, who ever heard of "vampire poison"?
EDWARD: I'm serious! It's coursing through your veins as we speak!
BELLA: Uh-huh. Whatever you say, Powder.

* * * * *

Scene 8

BELLA: Why did you bring me to the prom, Edward? You know I can't dance, and that I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful, which happens all the time.
EDWARD: I don't want your dangerous psychological infatuation with a vampire to interfere with your regular life.
BELLA: But I want to BE a vampire! I want you to do it to me. It will strengthen our love for each other. I want to become one with you. And what better night than prom night? We can do it in the back of the limo.
EDWARD: Wait, what are we talking about?
BELLA: I don't know. All the metaphors have started to run together.
EDWARD: You're sure you want to be a vampire?
EDWARD: Well, how about if I press my lips against your throat in an ambiguous way, just enough to ensure that readers come back for the sequel?
BELLA: It's a deal.

(Fade to black; roll credits; send in ushers to mop up audience's tears and drool.)

See also:
My Rejected "New Moon" Screenplay
My Rejected "Eclipse" Screenplay

Stumble It!


Longtime readers may recognize this format as the one used to mock another teen-girl-friendly film, "Titanic," way back in 1998 (although that parody was more biting, while this one is more silly). In fact, a few readers expressed disappointment that my review of "Twilight" didn't take this form, the line between "movie review" and "satire column" having become blurred in their eyes. I was working on this anyway, but I was glad to know some people were already thinking of it. (Yeah, I used the "vampire bat" joke in the review too. I should have saved it.)

"Twilight" author Stephenie Meyer and I were at BYU at the same time, and apparently she was an Eric D. Snider fan back in the day. She once named me her favorite movie critic on her website, although that page, her "unofficial bio," is gone now. (The link goes to an archived copy.)

This item has 194 comments

  1. Mike says:

    Great "screenplay"--very close to the book! Probably closer to the book than the movie, which I haven't seen yet (but I probably will see it and hopefully enjoy it). The books are reasonable "for people who don't read a lot" as you said (definitely not great literature, but amusing)--you had me laughing out loud, so keep up the good work!

  2. Jane says:

    Great, but probably would have enjoyed the more biting version even more.

    I wish I had a nickel for every time I've already heard, "Sure, it wasn't great, but I LOVED IT!"

  3. Dave says:

    Some people expressed cocern that Eric's review of the movie was too positive, and that it won't earn any of the angry letters from teenage girls that we all love so much. This oughta make up for it, I think.

  4. Dave the Slave says:


    You are the man, Eric.

    "I thought I could sneak one out" indeed. :-D

  5. Auntie Beth the Librarian says:

    Can you believe it, I did not succumb to the hype of the book and movie until this week when I finally read the first book in the series. Not great literature, and I did NOT love it. I think I enjoyed your version much more. You ought to write a book. Oh wait, you already have!

  6. Euphrasie says:

    Awesome! Saw the movie. Pretty much agreed with the review. Love the script.

    I love that Bella says "LOL!"

  7. Lane says:

    I don't read much, but I'm not a teenage girl either, so this is all I know about Twilight. I like it.

  8. karen says:

    My favorite line: "hot buttered seduction on a stick."

    Good stuff!

  9. Becky says:

    I really enjoyed the books, I liked the movie, and I giggled at your screenplay. I betcha Stephenie Meyer would get a kick out of this. She seems to have a fun sense of humor. Her website is how I found yours.

  10. SDR says:

    Loved this edition of SR. As for a podcast ... I don't know, I think you could make it work. Reading it aloud to my wife worked out quite nicely. In fact, I think the stage directions work out loud just because they aren't supposed to be out loud. It's funny because it's not true and all that.

  11. card says:

    Hilarious! I am so glad that you referred to Titanic in this. All the hype and the target market reminds me of that movie.

  12. Kaydria says:

    Oh this is so perfect I can't even stand it.

  13. sean says:

    This makes two over-hyped movies I have not seen and hav e no plans to see for which Eric has written alternative and almost certainly superior screenplays. Hurrah! One of my all-time favorites for sure.

  14. Cameron says:

    I can't help but laugh at the demographic spread of Twilight at IMDB:

    You have the females giving it a 10 and I'm guessing the other half of the race giving it 1's. My wife owes me I think.

  15. Jessie says:

    Awe-inspiring. I only wish you'd thrown a couple of "Edward chuckled"s in there. But brilliant nonetheless.

  16. Dave says:

    I haven't read the books or seen the movie but now I don't have to. Thanks Eric, that was great!

  17. Mrs. B. Roth says:

    I dragged my poor husband to this movie, he sprained his eyes; constantly rolling them.

    Someday, when I am a famous author who's trite work of fiction is turned into a movie and you mock the film, you will still be my favorite film critic, too.

  18. mommyof3boys says:

    Loved this column! It should be required reading for all of us "Twilight" fans.

  19. Heidi says:

    Great writing! If only Stephanie Meyer had half your wit. Almost as funny as Titanic, but maybe my sense of humor has diminished over the last 10 yrs.

  20. Amp says:

    I know just enough about the Twilight books/movie to get the jokes and I thought this was very well done. My only hope is that we'll get one of these for every book/movie in the series.

  21. Betsy Scott says:

    "hot buttered seduction on a stick" Haha. Love it!

  22. Charlene Winters says:

    You really are talented.

  23. aaron says:

    BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians?
    JACOB: I know, right?


  24. Gwyn says:

    I want some hot buttered seduction on a stick! Mmmmm....

    Unfortunatly, the Edward Cullen actor is an incredibly unattractive individual, despite all the teenagers swooning over him. I mean seriously- he's pasty, way too skinny, and needs a haircut. He's like a hobo who lives under a bridge. How is that hot?

  25. Courtney Wilson says:

    Great job! I am a huge Stephanie Meyer fan as well as yours. I appreciate both :)

  26. tvgirl says:

    "If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages."

    That line perfectly describes why I stopped reading Twilight. I loved your script. Thanks for giving me a nice laugh and for filling me in on the rest of the book. I did want to know the ending but not badly enough to waste another second of my life on such a poorly written book

  27. mommy says:


    I have an 11yo dd and I'm considering going to twilight just to laugh at the teen angst in a way in which my dd won't know I'm laughing at her...the drama, the awfulness of life, the tragedy

    does that make me a bad mother? I promise not to laugh at my own dd.

  28. Pasty skinny hobo who needs a haircut says:


  29. Bee says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Your screenplay shoulda been used instead. xD.

  30. Annalee says:

    Love it! This is destined to be a classic.

  31. Amy says:

    Twilighter here....that was awesome. *wiping tears from my cheeks*

  32. Amused says:

    Well played.

    I am looking forward to your remastering of the fourth novel. It is like a parody of its own.

  33. OZ says:

    Great review! Now I won't have to waste a single second of my life reading the book(s) or watching the movie.

  34. Crystal says:

    I'm a huge fan of the series, but your screenplay might be the greatest thing I've ever read... I would like to see it as a parody movie... Hilarious!

  35. Megan says:

    Simply perfect! I'm a big Twilight fan, but I'm still sane enough to admit this was too funny! Your quite talented!

  36. KDB says:

    This was sort of funny but I liked the movie and the book a lot I love Edward too....

    -lol...Teenage girl hah

  37. Angela says:

    WOW! I love it, somebody should make that into a real video and put it on youtube!

  38. Nikki says:

    Rob is hot because he just is.They won't let him have a hair cut because they think Edward is like that!

  39. richrich says:

    Hmmmm....Would I want to be like Eric or Edward? Yup, I would take Eric- more funnier, less gayish(or should I say less pretty?)

    Although.... he inhabits Portland because of the lighting. OK Eric would still be a funny blood sucker, and he could type REALLY FAST!

  40. Turkey says:

    Aren't "Canadian" and "gay" redundant?

    "so I can sit in the corner and cut myself." Ha!

  41. BYU girl says:

    Gwyn, have you not seen the high school boys running around these days? Most of them wear pants that I can't even hope to dream of! Of course teenage girls who have yet to hit puberty would flock to Edward. Then there's the way you captured the spirit of Bella... magnificent!

    Eric, I love your work, especially since I'm a junior at BYU. No joke goes unnoticed. :)

  42. Caitlin Ravkind says:

    I think that screenplay should be made into a movie of its own!! I would totally go see it just to hear edward sat "Count Jerkula" and to hear bella call edward gay. HILARIOUS!

  43. Esthew says:

    oh my stars ... i've read the books, NOT seen the movie, but I'd want to watch this version more, I think. The angst in all the movies, unhealthy relationship between Bella and Edward drive me CRAZY. But i had to know how the dang story ended -- which is the only reason I finished the series.

    Loved the treaty joke.

  44. Kitreiki says:

    Very true this is a great book for people who don't read a lot.

    Your screenplay had me laughing the whole time, it is so accurate! Especially the hundreds of pages on how hot Edward is, I mean wow. I also love how everyone in the book talks like an english major.

  45. Meg says:


    I enjoyed this more than I enjoyed the actual book. =-D
    lots of laughs.

  46. lyn says:

    It's great!!! I laughed sooo much and I keep laughing!! greetings from mexico

  47. Sarah says:

    That is freaking hilarious!!
    My favorit lines:
    "Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me."

    "I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair!"

    "Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute."

  48. Mary says:

    "I'm sad to leave the hellish, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of rubes. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different!"

    This line was the first but I think nearly the funniest line in this whole article! :) I have read all of the Twilight books, and I thought that the first one was kind of sort of dumb, the second one was too depressing, the third one was beyond cheesy, and the fourth one was... ugh. Obviously, despite my teenagerisms, I am not the type to get sucked into the "Twilight zone." But, despite that, I like to laugh at the books in a way that won't hurt the fans because I can see how someone "who doesn't read alot" can get into it. So, this article is LOL! Even my Twilight fan friends will enjoy it.

  49. Jenn says:

    I am still laughing & I read it ten minutes ago!!! "Vampire bats"......pure comic genius!!! I'm going to see it again with some of my friends (the sexually frustrated middle aged women)& I know I am soo going to start laughing there & when James & Edward fight, because I'm going to be picturing him calling James Count Jerkula!!!So if I get kicked out for laughing, thanks Eric!!!

  50. YesIHaveASenseOfHumor says:

    I did see the movie at midnight the first night... and though perhaps I was overtired and therefore loopy, I giggled through the entire melodrama. I probably really annoyed all of those who took it seriously, including the group of five over-the-age-of-22 guys I went with (I was the token female they brought along to explain the unclear plot twists). But hey, life (and/or undeadness) wasn't meant to be taken seriously. Having been drafted to summarize the book... movie... series to several people of the male/non-Twilight-fan persuasion, I have to admit that my summaries have evolved to sound much like this, though not quite so witty. Keep up the good work!

  51. Tennis girl says:

    I thought this was great!

    The whole Twilight mania sort of reminds me of the Harry Potter craze. I think that Eric could make a good rejected screen play of the first Harry Potter movie or any of those movies for that matter.

  52. this is AWESOME! says:

    this is awesome. i watched the movie and hated it. but loved your script. almost fell out of my chair laughing. but like the book. hey eric, thinking about selling that script to SNL?? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME i would totally watch it!!!

  53. Titanic Review Fan says:

    Perfect! Thank you! I was laughing louder than I should be at work :)

    Now if I could just get a signed copy that says "Thanks for another $5"...

  54. The says:

    Funny, but what a total rip of something that ran weeks and weeks ago on another site .. "Twilight: The Lost Script" ...

    I suppose it's possible for two people to get exactly the same idea. But likely? Hmmmm.... Well, if anyone sees a version of this snide remark later under Eric D Snider's name, remember me fondly.

  55. lyndalya cain says:

    i hate it


  56. Jacob says:

    It's saddening he didn't have a crack about how Bella (who just moved from the sunbaked wasteland) is paler than the vampire. I think this is better than the Titanic one.

  57. sarah says:

    i absolutely LOVE the twilight series to death but this screenplay has to be the funniest thing ive ever seen!

    i wish they could may a movie on its parody.

  58. Amy says:

    Like a breath of fresh air amidst a land of pollution-ridden, inversion-plagued, brainless obsession. I still have an original copy of the "Titanic" review, just as a way of vindicating my own point of view, and I'll definitely be keeping a copy of this one, too! Thank heaven for Snyder!

  59. Deseree says:

    the books were amazing. the movie kinda sucked out loud. but god that was so funny, i was wipeing tears from my eyes after that. great job. seriously.

  60. Ashley says:

    All of the hype for this movie has been comedy gold - from the endless facebook statuses from girls declaring their endless love to edward, to going to the movie with my obsessed friends who raided hot topic for t-shirts and black eye make up. And now this, the frosting on the cake.

    And I agree... the books aren't exactly profound. It's more comfort food, like a quesadilla made in the microwave - easy, quick, tastes good, but not high quality.

  61. Alice Rocks says:

    This was completly hilarious!!!!! I love twilight and the movie was good but this is so freaking funny I almost fell off my chair because I was laughing so hard!!!! Cheers...

  62. Lynne says:

    As the director of a large high-school media center/library and a graduate of BYU,I enjoyed your "biting" sarcasm and wit, Eric.(Although the caracters are stock, the plot is predictable and the theme (What is the theme? ...that Belle needs to get some guts?), we have purcased 10 copies of each book in the series, and we always have a waiting list.)

    We tease but most of us wish we had written the Twilight series, so we could be "raking" in the money. ...just think about the movie revenue alone! (I bet Orson Scott Card is wishing the same thing--he could have written the whole series in the time it took to write Enchanted.)

    Good for Stephanie Meyers!

  63. hannah says:

    that was freaking hillarious!!!1!!! lol

  64. Ampersand says:

    Another instant Snide Remarks classic. But I'm a little disappointed that Twilight fans seem to be so--dare I say it?--normal and aren't coming after you with pitchforks. It's nice that they have a sense of humor, but I was hoping to get at least one poorly-spelled angry letter out of this.

  65. momma snider says:

    #54 makes a funny comment. Eric's been writing parodies all his life, practically, and is always writing about current events, so it would have been odd if he had NOT addressed Twilight.

    I love the Twilight series, by the way. Don't know if I'll love the movie or not, but I expect to, because if I'm going to the trouble to see a movie, I intend to enjoy it.

  66. green_eyed_goddess says:

    soooo funny!! i love twilight and love this too...cant wait for film to come out in UK, edward = hot so even if bad representation i wont feel ive wasted my time watching it!!!

  67. jds88 says:


    If only Eric had, at some point in his life, written another parody script of an overhyped movie, then perhaps he could be vindicated in your eyes. If only . . .

  68. J.D. says:

    Omg, I loved it, it brought tears to my eyes. I haven't read the books, not a fan, but saw the movie because my friends dragged me, and it was perfect!

    "I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!" - It's gold.....
    Can't wait for next three!

  69. sarah says:

    its me again.
    i loved this so much that i keep coming back and re-reading it!
    which is a bit weird seeing as i love twilight and i think that its brilliant but i love it when something funny like this comes up.
    if you all enjoyed that, type 'twilight comics' into google images and you will find a few very funny comics that will make you cry from laughing!

    just wondering... will you do one of these for harry potter? there's joke-making gold in that series for sure.
    (its my 17th birthday in 3 weeks!)
    (why did i even say that?)
    (im confusing myself)
    ("...i think they're that's funny)

    xoxoxoxo, sarah

  70. Ysabel says:

    This is absolutely HILARIOUS! I was in the middle of the library and I had to be "shushed" by the librarian. Whoops. To top it off, my friend came over and we trippeled over in laughter. Yes, it's that funny.

    Fankly, I think that this is FAR mor accurate than the actual movie. Except for the description of Edward; yes I am one of those people.

    Do you mind if we steal this script for a youtube parody? That would be the funniest to watch.

    Hahahaha. "Hmm. I bet he's gay." Scenes two and three were the funniest. I can't get over it.

  71. Jamine says:

    HAHAHAHA!! you are a LEGEND!!! Please send this to Stephenie Meyers so she has an idea for another book concerning Twilight! >.

  72. Rob D. says:

    I'm not happy........I love a great parody and I'm sure Eric's version is very funny. The problem is I have no desire to read the book or see this movie. I would just be watching the movie to better understand Eric's script.

  73. Betsy says:

    That was amazing! I laughed so hard and had to send it to all of my friends. I've read the whole series, and I think your parody was better than 'Twilight' itself.I hope someone would make a video of this and upload it to YouTube!

  74. Ryan says:

    I am a true red blooded, hard working, family supporting American father, who is 110% positive that I will never see this movie. No need to, as I have just read the best screen play to have ever been put to ink. I am not usually one to give such a public opinion about things, but now I have no reason to ever see that movie. Plus my loving wife has and will continue to update me in all the inner workings of "Twilight". My favorite thing to do is make things I don't want to do seem like pulling off a band-aid, quick and virtually pain-less. Reading your screen-play did that for me, I thank you with every fiber of my non-vampire, mortal being. Looking forward to the next screen play.

  75. Julie says:

    This is one of the best things I have ever read.

  76. Joe says:


    I was at BYU when you wrote for the Daily Universe. I loved your writing then, and I love this review. I'm one of those "twilight widowers." My wife puts the fanatic into fan. I've read the book, and seen the movie, and enjoyed them both. However, I think you're screenplay would win the Oscar!

    My favorite lines were:

    MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: I must say, I can see why Edward likes you. Your smell is overpowering!
    BELLA: Oh, you can smell that? Sorry, I thought I could sneak one out....

  77. Tim says:

    Dude, you need to send this in to Stephanie Myers or a magazine or something! This is THE most incredible and hilarious parody I have EVER read! im still laughing.....

  78. matt says:

    How could those bastards not pick this version over the movie? I am severely disappointed in the directors eye for talent. You obviously are the best screenplay writer I've ever seen. Good luck in your future work. I loved this.

  79. Michelle says:

    Rlly funny! But I am utterly obssessed with the books so I'm not fond with the insults. I've watched the movie twice already and I'm in love with robert pattison. :) (Who isn't?) But the thing you said about it being a book that people that don't read much would like was rude and over the top. As if it was right to call fans stupid. Please, review movies and keep up with the funny work. But insulting the people that actually read the book is dumb and not funny. Sorry, but I speak the truth.

    P.S. I loved the parody though. XD

  80. twilight is overrated says:

    This made me LOL a lot.

    I'm glad someone else thinks this series is a little weird.

    I would totally watch a movie version of your script :)

    I tried reading twilight but only got halfway through before, as someone else mentioned earlier, I just couldnt spend any more time reading it.

    And pasty sparkly skin could be hot...maybe..if it wasnt on that actor : P

  81. dorothy says:

    i love the books, and the movie was great, but they are like my guilty pleasure. and this parody explains why. they are so frigiin ridiculous, and yet i keep wanting to read them! ohhh this parody puts everything into perspective! sheer awesomness!!!!

  82. SDR says:

    Re #54: I went and looked at the work that Eric plagiarized ... if a person is not allowed to do something of a parody or satirical nature just because someone else has, then lets be sure to extend the ban to anything that is derivative in nature. In other words, no one is allowed to ever write anything ever again.

    Plus: the jokes were almost completely different, and I just didn't laugh at the other work as much. Maybe it was my frame of mind, but I think it has to do with the fact that the writing wasn't as tight as Eric's parody. Amusing observations, but a lot of crap had to be waded through to get to them.

  83. Ellen says:

    I honestly don't see how they couldn't have used your screenplay adaption instead of the real one.

  84. spida, aussie, 17 yrs says:

    you know what? i do think that this screenplay is funny but i also think that everyone has different opinions on everything.
    you can't just say "twilight is crap" (especially if you haven't even read it) and pay out other people for liking it. as i said, it all depends on what kind of person you are and what you like.
    a person with an aversion to romance, for example, can hardly have an unbiased opinion of twilight.
    to some people, such as myself, twilight is fantastic and a great read. to others it might be the worst book they've ever read and they might hate the movie too.
    i just think that most of the people are only thinking of their own likes and dislikes and aren't keeping an open mind on the subject.
    but i have to say, whether you love twilight or hate it, this screenplay is hilarious and worthy of a re-read.
    good job eric!


  85. samantha says:

    as much as i love the series this parody is probably THE funniest thing i've ever read! i laughed so hard i cried! great job!! :]

  86. b. says:


    (looooong time fan, by the way, have been lurking for years)

  87. Keely says:

    Haha that is really good! I love the Twilight series and I also love hearing all of the comics and stuff about how much it sucks. I find it pretty interesting that Stephenie's favorite movie reviews come from you.

    Anyway, that was hilarious! I showed that to some people who hate twilight and it just backs them up even more but oh well, I love it anyway. I'm always open to hear people's opinions about twilight and they bring up some pretty good points, as do you. Like the way Edward insists on wanting nothing to do with Bella and still watches her sleep and follows her. Well done.

  88. rachel says:

    So i'm a teenage girl, i'm completely in love with the series (ps i read alot.. wtf?) anyways. this was really funny. you actually should make a video or something, i could see it being even more hilarious with rob kristen & taylor doing the lines .. i recommend trying for that ! i love love love twilight, but like #64 said, i can be normal and see that the jokes here are funny but don't completely diss on the series. even if you do, i don't notice so whatever. anyways, good job. i thought it was funny. but i doubt my twilightlovingfriends would, :).

  89. amanda says:

    this is probably one of the greatest things I have EVER read. =P I love the series, but only for Edward, and the movie thoroughly disappointed me from the acting to the directing xD why peter jackson couldn't do it, I don't know. But I love this.

  90. S. says:

    This is so absolutely hilarious ... and right on the mark. All the teen angst -- particularly in the movie from the rigid-jawed actress playing Bella -- reminded me of just how much I hated high school. LOL

    "They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos." rotfl

  91. lauren says:

    I am sooooo obsessed with the series, but this parody was pure gold. Thank you for making my day soooo much better!

  92. Russ says:

    I "LOL"ed so freaking hard at this!

    I love coming to your site, just because I know that I will truly laugh whenever a new "bad movie review" or column comes out.

    I am a guy who's read the Twilight books (yea, yea... I like vampire books. :P I'm more of a "skim" reader anyway, whenever she was describing Edward for the 10000th time, I just skip that paragraph), and this screenplay is way more enjoyable than the books!


    (I do like Alice as a character though, someone who isn't a teenage girl or sexually frustrated middle-aged woman should write a book about Alice, for us guys who like a good book.)

  93. Tucker says:

    I swear, thats the funniest thing i have heard in a while. It makes some really good points.

  94. nida says:


    it was so freakin fnny and cool! it was just like the movie! lol thx!

  95. Steve says:

    Come on... All these comments and not one remark on the irony that Eric's non-vampire parody script was more biting than this one?

  96. Stella Kevlar says:

    Yep, this is about right. Thanks for the link; way more enjoyable, I'm sure, than any of the actual books.

  97. Morgan says:

    Loved the parody, but how could you not mention the fact that he 'sparkles'?! Was it TOO easy?

  98. Kevin says:

    Ok, skipping comments 1-97, I'll just mention your B- review isn't actually that bad (highest currently on the short-list except for Bolt [B])... Actually, the book/movie from the point of view of a recently grown-up young adult, who as never dated, is remarkably accurate & well done in its dithering, fun, & overthought method. Lastly, I really hated Jacob in NM until I realized that if you switched the chars names it would be an exact rewrite of my summer-camp romance I had when I was 13y.o. Funny. -K

  99. Alex says:

    that just made my day

  100. Romy says:


    Yeah, Actually, I Read A Ton. From Gone With The Wind, To Shakespeare To John Grisham, To Baldacci, To Austen, To Bronte, Want Me To Keep Going?

    Stephenie Meyer Is Very Good At What She Does.

    I Also Think It's Overly Pathetic That You Would Slam Someone Who, At One Time (Hopefully Not Now), Had A Link To Your Website Because She Postively LOVED Your Writing. That's Seriously Sad Eric.

    Yes, It's Corny, Yes, It's Cheesy, Yes, It's About Vampires And Werewolves And Love. But You Know What? It's An Amazing World She's Created, And It's A Good Escape For People Who Need One.

    Get Over Yourself.

  101. Just Sayin.... says:

    Just curious, Romy... why the caps on each word? I'm not attacking or disagreeing with anything you said... just wondering about the capitalization situation. Holla back.

  102. Mary Ramos says:

    Stephanie Meyer has imagination, and she created an interesting character (Edward Cullen) that every girl loves, myself included. But, her writing is repetitive, vague and sometimes unpleasant. I was hoping the film would be better, but it was horrible. I have never seen dialogue so wooden and cheesy since Titanic or the last Star Wars. The acting was okay, the leads, however have great chemistry. For the sequel, I hope they hire a new screenwriter or something. Here's hoping!

    Eric, you should definitely write the sequel. Excellent adaptation.

  103. JustMe says:

    Loved it! Both your parody and the book series. I'm a middle-ages woman (though NOT sexually frustrated) who was introduced to Twilight by my teenager. I even went to the midnight showing. I realized I was old when I looked at Edward and thought, "well, he's no Rhett Butler". Enjoyed the fantasy of the books, thought the movie left a lot to be desired. I didn't think any of the movie Cullens were unbelievably beautiful, they weren’t even noticeable in a crowd.

    I was SO disappointed that you didn’t comment on Edward’s glittering in the sunlight trick.

    EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball!
    BELLA: Really?
    EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats?

  104. Romy says:

    Just Sayin---Idk. It's A Trademark Of Mine I Started A Long Time Ago When Everyone Else's "Computer Talk" Got Really, Really Annoying And Didn't Appeal To Me.

    Mary Ramos---Wow. Your Comment Proves That You Have No Idea What You're Talking About. Because Actually...There Is A Sequel Already, Movies Are NEVER AS GOOD AS The Book, And The Screenwriter They Hired, They Hired For A Reason Because Obviously The Screen Version, While In Some Areas Differs, Is Not Drastically Different, And The Dialogue Is Much The Same. It's SUPPOSED To Be Cheesy, It's An Escape For People Who's Lives Are Apparently Not As Perfect As Yours, Here's A Tip: DON'T GO SEE THE MOVIE IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE BOOK! I Thought Most People Realized That.....Apparently Not.

  105. "Lauren" says:

    Scene 2 was awesome, especially since it was completely true. I went in not really caring about Bella at all, and came away hating her for being an unfriendly angst case. Like that one scene where her mother asks about the kids, and she's all "(blahsomething) they're ...really welcoming" in a sad voice, when that is exactly what they were!

    Great job!

  106. Ashley says:

    Awesome script! I've read this several times already and I've acted it out with my friends, yet it's still funny and fails to get boring.

  107. Heli says:

    Romy #104; Mary Ramos waS talkinG abouT a sequeL tO thE moviE, noT thE booK.

  108. Tesneem says:

    I love the books, giggled so much during the movie, and I simply burst out laughing with my friends when I read this. I love it. =)

  109. Addicted says:

    Okay....That was HILARIOUS!!!!

  110. Miguel says:

    Great script! LOL, I loved most of it as i was laughing and thinking the same thing about the movie, i had troubles fitting into a new school many times and this girl just didn't give a . A bit unrealistic as it is more of a fantasy then a reality. In reality she would be dying to fit in, very rarely and probably never do you ever see a girl come new to a school and is to cool for the school and loves the most anti-scoial bloke in all of the school.

    But oh well, i still love fairy tale movies. But alot of scenes in the movie needed more rehearsing, ones that i cant get over are.

    1. When she stutters near the end of the movie, a bit to long don't you think?

    2. How the guy kept approaching her in a way that his to cool and he really isn't, I blame that on the acting!

    3. They needed the guy to make more sense, i never understood him. One day he wants her and told her he cant ignore her anymore the next day his saying we cant be together i want to eat u. Make up your mind!, and she just goes with it!

  111. Joe says:

    "I ... have no response for that." - Classic Meg Ryan line.

    I had to Windex my monitor.

  112. lena says:

    ok so i love the books and i liked the movie alot.

    but still, this was HILARIOUS. so myspaced.

    eric, you're really something for my cynical brother.

  113. Sonu says:

    Hey Eric,

    That was great, especially Scene 3. Your screenplay should have been filmed. I have told my friends about this version and we all cracked up laughing. We even made up our very own version. I loved your comment and I agree with Stephanie, you are a great at commenting at movies and books!!!!

  114. ShyAsrai says:

    oh, SPOT ON!

    sooooo glad i'm not the only one thinking that besides the completely predictable ... entire book, the writing itself is fairly poor. ugh.

    that said, perhaps any book which encourages reading is a good thing.

  115. OutoftheclosterAsrai says:

    Rather ironic that a person would choose to critique a published author with worlds like "soooooo" and "ugh". Keep on writing champ.

    Now let's get back to drooling all over Snider's somewhat witty screenplay and turn it into the funniest movie review of all-time. Then it would of course be required reading material for people who don't usually have a sense of humor.

  116. Haleh says:

    Ha! So very good, and indeed a snarky take on Twilight. Checking ones brain
    in at the door is mandatory before watching Twilight. It is a story of love in the
    most obsessive manner. Isn't that what high school romances were all about?

    Thanks for the take, loved it.
    BYU~ MFA

  117. SML says:

    i love twilight and i laughed so hard throughout that. great job

  118. Shawn Cannon says:

    You are truly brilliant! Great script. I couldn't get through the first book---the writing was so elementary, my dear Watson. And come on---didn't everyone laugh at that movie preview---so silly, and the acting----ugh...

    Too bad your script wasn't accepted---I would have gone to see it then!

  119. chuchi says:

    WOW this is just great!! i have read all if the boos and saw the movie ,i thought the movei was amazing but this would have been really funny! great job eric!!

  120. scarlettangel says:

    Quite hilarious.

    I feel completely indifferent about Twilight, but this is 100% fantastic.

    Great job!

  121. Summer says:

    haha that was great. I'm a huge fan of the books, but the movie was so so. I started out angry, ready to defend my latest obsession, but I caved in and fell off my chair laughing :)

    Good Job, lol.

  122. Allysha says:

    Now, I LOVE the whole series... but this review for the movie? It's PERFECT. I pretty much thought I wasted my money, but, I was wrong. At least I saw the movie, read this "screenplay," & got a good laugh!

    But, seriously? This is how the movie turned out. Oh well.

  123. Kellie says:

    This screen play is hella better than the movie!

  124. Alyse says:

    That was awesome. I happened to love the books(they were an easy read that fed into my hopeless romantic side :) but the movie was about what I expected so I can appreciate the humor. Hopefully changing the director will help the next one.

  125. Jessica says:

    Literally wetting myself with laughter- I wasted 2 and a half hours of my life watching a mindlessly boring movie when i could have just read this!!

    Maybe you should direct the next movie?!!

  126. Deanna says:

    Oh, wow. This definitely should've been used for the movie! I spent a whole day cracking up over this thing.

    Nice job!

  127. Nate says:

    Well, Cap'n irony strikes again. Kellie, stick to filling your head with the names of yaoi characters. I doubt that people of merit would use the word "hella" in a proffessional setting, call me crazy. I'm sure that half the people who wrote particularly scathing (need a dictionary, Kellie) "reviews" are BYU dropouts masquerading as their girl friends. I think Mr. Snider needs a cold hard slap of reality. My dad, Prof. Woods was Mr. Snide's English teacher. Mr. Snide hated the others in his class and became a critic. If you run Mr. Snide's screenplay through Microsoft Word, its Flesh-Kincaid reading level hovers around 3rd grade. Twilight comes out as ninth grade. Enough said.

    MODERATOR'S NOTE: Just for the record: I don't recall having a professor named Woods (though I guess it's possible); I was certainly never in a class where I hated the other students; why I became a critic had nothing to do with any of my English classes; posting comments isn't a professional (or "proffessional" setting), so slang is perfectly acceptable; it's Flesch-Kincaid, not Flesh-Kincaid; and I don't know why writing a parody of a popular work constitutes a need to be slapped by reality. Other than that, everything Nate said is completely accurate, especially the "enough said" part.

  128. Sharon says:

    A very good read. LMAO I am a fan of the books and the movie and Stephenie Meyer and now I am a fan of yours thru her website. Thanks

  129. crepuscule hater says:

    When my wife brought home the books and told me this series was "the next Harry Potter fantasy series", I couldn't wait for her to finish the first I could "devour" (apropos?) it. I love vampire stories.

    I made it about 120 pages before I politely gave it back to her and told her that I was not really interested anymore.

    My over all impression? The writer could say what needed to be said in about a fourth of the pages. I rarely had read a published work of fiction that was so wordy and sickly-sweet with insanely over-the-top descriptions. (Sorta like my last sentence, huh?) It seemed repetitive as well.

    I think the over all storyline is good. Not a bad premise for writing about vampires...falling in love with a human...etc.

    But I found her ability to tell the story to be...lacking for my tastes. I can see why my 13 year old niece loves it.

    And hey...that's okay. No need for all of the bitter bibliophiles out there who feel the need to defend Miss Meyer. More power to the author. Teenage girls need something to read too. No one would ever confuse Danielle Steele with Steinbeck, but which one has sold more books?

    So I totally appreciated your script. Now I won't have to ever see the movie. You just related everything I needed to know about the story without me having to sit through a two and a half hour movie or read hundreds of pages of drivel.

  130. Angela says:

    I think you just ruined the book and movie for me, but it was kinda funny..

  131. Alli says:

    Freaking hilarious! My sis. sent me this link, I read all the twilight books and this was sheer genius! Man, you gotta do a sequel.

  132. Alli says:

    Freaking hilarious! My sis. sent me this link, I read all the twilight books and this was sheer genius! Man, you gotta do a sequel.

  133. Megan says:

    EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me.


  134. The Wogameister says:

    Loved it! So much better than the movie. I can't think of why yours wasn't used... it makes so much more sense to me now! :)

  135. shani says:

    i kid you not that was the funnest twilight spoof yet. i have to admit though i was one of those girls at the movie theater opening night and i loved it. and yes i do read. alot. anyway the sad thing was that every thing you wrote was...exactly like the book...only blunt.

    "those are the cullens. they avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're canadians."

    you are officaly my idol.

  136. Lana says:

    Better than the book or movie! But to be true to the book, you should have thrown in a few references to Edward's "smoldering" looks/eyes/appearance. But you did include his calling Bella "silly," so the true tone of the relationship was captured.

  137. Me?! says:


    I love the Twilight series, since '06, but this is amazing.

    To make it even funnier, Stephenie said on her website that Eric D. Snider is her favourite movie critic.

    I wonder if he still is...

  138. Hailey says:

    Ahh, I thought this was hilarious.

    I'm a Twilight fan myself, but this had me dying!

    And sadly, its much better than the movie.

    Hopefully, they'll put a little more effort than

    five weeks of screenplay writing into the next one.

    It was just pitiful.

  139. Jasja says:

    Oops... I really should not have read this in front of other people; I could not stop crying with laughter. They probably think I've lost my marbles (I guess they could be right there, but that's a whole different story... LOL). Anyway, I love the Twilight series and reading this gave it a whole new edge. Thanks for the great laugh!

  140. schizzy says:

    this is just entertaining --- i bet some production company is planning a twilight spoof movie. this is sure the right script!

  141. Buffy says:

    I'm a teenage girl, I read A LOT of books but this cracked me up. You probaly know more about the plot then the othe screenplay writers. Brilliant. My best friend and I got yelled at for laughing so loud when we were in class on the computers. You're a star!!

  142. Mush says:

    I laughed my behind off!!! Being an almost middle-aged female, although not sexually frustrated, I found myself mesmerized by the love story between Bella and Edward. But your adaptation of the screenplay was amazing !!!

  143. Joe the plumber says:

    This was TOO funny. And a great improvement from the movie.
    The dialogue in the movie was unbelievably cheesy. The lead guy was pretty good, especially for the horrible lines he had to work with. But Kristen Stewart can't do any other emotion besides sarcastic...not exactly great for playing a girl in love. For example: when she begs him not to leave in the hospital. Enough said. ugh.

    Most of all, can some one please explain why everyone keep saying the two leads have great chemistry?? I couldn't believe their love at all.
    Maybe they pay the interviewers to say hopes that, if they say it a bunch of times, people will start to believe it. hmm...

  144. Abbyyy =] says:

    Woww :)

    That was hilarious :D
    The books awesome too, just in a diffent way :)

    You should re-write a script for New Moon, Eclipse &+ Breaking Dawn too :D

  145. Pidgeon says:

    LOL i love the "i bet he's gay! lol classic.

  146. Ricky says:

    I think you captured the whole book with spending the "next 500 pages talking about how attractive he is." Funny how women seem to be overjoyed with being portrayed as utterly superficial.

  147. Robin says:

    Eric, I seriously want to marry you after reading this! It's brilliant how perfectly you captured it

  148. Alias says:

    Okay, the "Moderator" reply to Nate's comment cracked me up even more than the screenplay, which was very clever in its own right.

    Enough said, indeed!

  149. Fab at 40!! says:

    Read the books, sat through the movie, but absolutely loved this screenplay. My favourite line, "those are the cullens. they avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're canadians." - Even as a Brit i appreciated that one! Mr Snider,i have no idea who you are, but i love your sense of humour and i think i want to marry you - unfortunately i'm a married 'sexually frustrated middle-aged women, but hey ho!

  150. Sandi says:

    OMG this is halarious. I'm a big Twilight fan but this is so funny. I haven't laughed this much in a while. Thanks

  151. Emmy says:

    Hahahaa, this is absolutely hilarious! The funny thing is that I actually found out about your site when browsing Stephenie Meyer's, who mentions you write the best film rewiews online. I totally agree. And these Snide Remarks are fantastic too. Way to go Eric, you have a new fan here in Finland!

  152. Roxy says:

    one word:HI-LARIOUS!

  153. Therightone says:

    That was a god awful mess. No wonder it got rejected. That was painful for me to read.

    In conclusion, this is the worst mistake since Kara DioGaurdi.

  154. Jen Leigh says:

    Oh. My. Gosh. This was so great. My only addition would be that somewhere it might be mentioned that copious amounts of blue and white make-up (an allusion to good ol' BYU?) must be used on the Edward and Bella characters. Thx for the excellent laugh!

  155. Science Teacher Mommy says:

    Scene 6 made me laugh until my sides hurt. Thanks for making a rainy afternoon a little more pleasant.

  156. JH says:

    this was great! this made my late night even better than it already was! thanks!

  157. Beau says:

    Very funny.Close to the book. Scene 1 & 2 were killers for me.

  158. Genevieve says:

    That was an awesome screenplay. And dare I say better then the original. It got right to the point.

  159. R.g. says:


    What's also funny is that I discovered your Web site a while ago through Stephenie Meyer's. XD

  160. Caranna says:

    Ha Ha -
    This is the best!
    I was never into "Twilight" but went to the movie with some girlfriends - they all loved it, I was underimpressed -

    I'm loving the "(recoils at her garlic breath"

    And "... I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping..."

    I thought Edward was SUPER creepy! I was wireded out for her and kept telling the Bella onscreen to Run Away!! But the silly girl didn't listen!

  161. Anonymous says:

    Okay... so I will admit that it was funny, but even so, I prefer the script they used. Although your version gave me a laugh, it's not exactly the real deal.

    Twilight's not meant to be funny. It's a movie about a couple who shouldn't be together, and have to fight for their love. It simply states that when it comes to relationships, nothing to happen in a relationship could possibly be worse than if the one you loved wanted to kill you.

    In Twilight, Bella knows she should be afraid of Edward, she knows she should be running from him in terror. The reason she doesn't is because she loves him, and with that love she has made a sacrifice.

    Sorry if that sounded cheesy, just stating my opinion.

    Anyways, I'm off. Later.

  162. Annaliese says:

    I am very proud to say I am the only girl in my high school to have not read the books or watched the movie :)

    You know, if this was the actual script I would have gone to see it!! Good job :)

  163. Kara says:

    Dang!! So close to the book!!! I couldn't stop laughing ^_^

    If this were the movie script I wouldn't have been texting the whole way through! Amazing!!!

  164. Mark Berrett says:

    No comment.

  165. BYU English professor says:

    Loved the parody. In response to Nate (#127), I've taught in the English Dept. at BYU for 26 years and don't remember a Prof. Woods. If I'm forgetting somebody who was there for a while, I'm wondering if Nate could remind me who it was.

    In general, I thought Nate's comment suggests he's taking himself a bit too seriously. But the reading level information was interesting. Maybe a parody of so-so writing OUGHT to be even more so-so--say, lowering freshman high school writing to a grade school level.

    I have questions about the Flesch-Kincaid reading level test, though. I just put passages from Shakespeare through the test, and they came out half a grade lower than Snider's parody (3.1 as opposed to 3.7). Then I tested Nate's comment, and it came out at 6.1. Hmmm. Microsoft Word says to aim for 7.0 to 8.0--I assume to ensure readability. But maybe genre affects the likely or appropriate level.

  166. Becca says:

    Loved the screen play. Very.... um.... creative. Pretty close to the book I believe. Maybe they'll use your ideas for the next one. Good luck

  167. Jenifer says:

    A vampire wanna-be fart joke. Priceless! Reading this makes me feel a bit better about reading the whole series (and seeing that awful movie). I kept thinking, "Am I missing something? I just don't get the big deal!" Your version is bloody awesome!

  168. alexie says:

    just read your twilight adaptation and laughed all the way through!
    i had the fortune? of listening to the twilight audio book on a trip from flagstaff to san diego recently.

    you would have fit nicely, as a writer in the old school MAD magazine issues, the new ones aren't as funny. you've got the same mindset and syncopation. it's like music.

    hope you draft one for new moon.

    submit something to MAD... see if you can retrofit. -alexie

  169. JOSEPHINE.ROCKS and DEIDRY:) says:

    Lol....this is so funny! We are actuallt at school reading this and the teachers are looking at us. All my friends are cracking up!...WOW! i never expected to hear bella say that edward was gay!...this is Hilarious! keep up the good work!

  170. Looci says:

    I'm like, such a big Twilight fan, I absolutely love it, and that had me laughing so much xD Good job.

  171. Katie says:

    Hahahaha yes! I'm really sick of people getting all yippy about Twilight. This was much needed. I just want to know why a lot of the hardcore Twilight fans are giggling at your screenplay. It was obviously an insult!

  172. Kaye says:

    very funny--but you must have read the books to write such an hysterically funny version of it--

    I read the books, not the best written but a creative take on the vampire world. I did like her characters, she has a way of "sucking" you into her world.

  173. Kay says:

    Someone YouTubed this! (With proper credit, fortunately. Was it you, Ysabel of comment #70?) Check it out - it's hilarious to see the alternate dialogue with the film footage:

  174. Jam says:


    big twilight fan that sucked

  175. Alanna says:

    BWAHAHAHA! I suffered through all 4 books trying to familiarize myself with what was so very popular. Wow, they sucked. I hated Bella, Edward should have been arrested (by Bella's father), and Bella's heart was pounding so often I was beginning to think she might have a serious medical condition. Did anyone have a redeeming quality besides being attractive? I couldn't find one, and I don't think even that is a redeeming quality. Then I forced my husband to watch the DVD one night because I knew with that source material, it had to be absolutely appallingly bad. I was not disappointed. Your screenplay was more "dazzling" than Edward Cullen's freaky color-changing eyes, so thank you for making my day.

  176. Deborah says:

    Loved it. Find it very funny, I'm gonna read the Titanic one as well.

    just one thing: I loved the books and I read a lot. I think at the time I was 10 I had read more books than a lot of grown ups.

  177. Kris says:

    Omg, that was hilarious, I loved it. I have never read a screen play as accurate as this in my life. Haha. I especially loved this part:

    BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I'm not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow -- LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.
    CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.

    Haha, great screenplay.

  178. sage says:

    wow. i loved you adaption. even my 11 and nine year old sisters dont like the books and movie, but when i showed them the screenplay they were rolling on the floor laughing!

  179. Emily says:

    I think its better than the actual story (for sure?)! Great Job! I used to be TOTALLY obsessed with EDWARD and TWILIGHT but now I just like seeing the movies... haven't even read any of the books... and don't really plan too!

  180. Sosie says:

    LOL Eric!!

    "I think he's gay."

    Funniest line in the screenplay!

  181. Angela says:

    I haven't read the book or seen the movie, nor do I plan to, but this screenplay was all I needed to see. You made fun of the whole Twilight madness, in a funny and witty way. Well done :)

  182. Nikkiii. says:


    This is the greatest thing I've ever read.

    My friend and I are acting this out in Theater class.

  183. Lur says:

    Sigh, I'm going to be dragged to the last two movies in this series just like I was dragged to the first two. Well done, sir.

  184. Firefly says:

    Stephanie Meyer has nothing on you dude. This is SUPER.


  185. Sarah says:

    This. Is. Golden. So funny, basically true. I read the books, and at the time, I liked them, but now, some girls are a LITTLE too obsessed.

  186. SMcQ says:

    This is still the best thing I've ever read.

  187. Mrs. Barefoot Mike says:

    Your script is spot on. Did you read the book?

    BELLA: "If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages."

    Honestly I loved the books and read them all but I couldn't get over how much she goes on and on and on and then on some more about how impossibly hot he is. If you did read them try reading the HOST. Way better and would make for a fun screenplay. I'd love to see you parody that.

  188. Esther from Africa says:

    (Fade to black; roll credits; send in ushers to mop up audience's tears and drool.)

    Marry me Eric? I figure anyone with this kind of laser bead on the flat-lined pulse of the entire Twilight series deserves to be slaved over and cooked for, forever.

    I know I'm seeing this years late but... since the franchise is still going strong [Eclipse opened to mindlessly rave reviews and screams to the point where I've had to avoid the cinema (and my moron friends) all week this week.]

    Twilight has caused the gross domestic product of Botswana (where i live) to PLUNGE, becuz everyone with a heartbeat goes to see it 15 times apiece and neglects other more deserving sectors of industry, like sewage draining.

    it's atrocious i tell you (disgusted stare at the people around me)

  189. Jay-Bee says:


    I've only read the first two scenes & its hilarious! Great job, mate! Love your reviews, too, especially the one on Never Back Down. Was laughing for, like, 10 minutes! XD

    Looking forward to reading the rest of this :D Perhaps I'll save it & show it to my pals. & YES, HELl YES, YOUR SCRIPT IS 10x BETTER! I can tell :P

  190. Randa Hull says:

    Super-bummed - read (scanned) 189 comments and finished disappointed at the lack of indignant teen responses these sorts of articles usually produce.

    Thanks, Eric, for the years of reviews. We always consult them, always enjoy them and frequently agree with them!

  191. Mark Wilcox says:

    Took my own shot at Twilight recently. Mine was a bit more biting. Some Twilight fans took the personal attacks on Stephenie Meyer a little too seriously. But this made me laugh a lot.

  192. Sean from Australia says:

    This would have been a much better version of VAMPIRES SUCK.

  193. MisaMisaEK says:

    Thank you for that; it was very interesting and humorous and boy-oh-boy how I love humor. Honestly, for the actual "Twilight" movie, it wouldn't have worked and you would have received thousands of angry letters and death threats from girl tweens across the nation. And Sean from Australia is right, this would have be perfect for the Twilight spoof Vampires Suck, which was rather funny because of the, what I like to call, "spoof movie" cast members. I must admit, I was addicted to yet another best seller that became a movie; Twilight. I started them in September of '08 right before the movie came up and honestly grew bored of the series by the next year. You were rejected because the directed wanted to do the Twilight movies perfectly--she failed of course, but who am I to judge her, eh? Anywho, nice script and you'll be receiving a call from me to get the copyrights soon enough!

  194. MisaMisaEK says:

    Yeah, I reread it and literally died laughing...this is going on facebook tomorrow!!! Seriously though---copyright...?

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