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Acts of Worship

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Man, the life of a junkie sure does suck. I got that point fairly early in “Acts of Worship,” yet for some reason “Acts of Worship” kept telling me over and over again. It made me dislike “Acts of Worship,” which lacks the dramatic power or strong acting necessary to overcome a story that doesn’t go anywhere.

Written and directed by Rosemary Rodriguez — and based on her own experiences on the streets of New York — the film follows Alix (Ana Reeder), a rock-bottom heroin junkie who lives in a neighborhood populated almost exclusively by others of her persuasion. She makes money for fixes by shoplifting books, which she sells to street vendors who specialize in stolen goods (if you’ve ever been to New York, you’ve seen a hundred of them).

She meets a photographer named Digna (Michael Hyatt), herself a recovering addict, who makes a modest living photographing junkies: She pays them $10 for their permission, and magazines pay her much more than that for the photos. Digna befriends Alix and wants to help her, but the road to recovery is arduous and sometimes unattainable altogether.

Forty-five minutes into the film, I was struck by what an unlikable protagonist Alix is. She’s bitchy and selfish — probably realistic for a junkie, I’ll grant you, but without the underlying humanity that real people have. There’s no sense of who she was before she found drugs, no vestige of her former self. Compare this with the miserable but still human characters in “Requiem for a Dream,” for example. Those people, you root for. Alix elicits no such sympathy.

Though it is not very artful in its approach, “Acts of Worship” does benefit from a certain documentary quality in its cinematography (by Luke Geissbuhler). The film stock is grainy — probably because it was cheaper to buy, but in this case, the tight budget was a blessing, because it makes everything look real. Unfortunately, the banal script and flat acting can’t produce anything nearly as authentic.

Parking Spaces

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One of my most irksome pet peeves is when I’m looking for a place to park and discover someone is using his car to straddle the line and thus occupy two spaces. In fact, it bugs me even when I’m not looking for a space, just on principle. What’s with these guys? (It’s always guys.) Is their car so much more precious than the rest of ours that they can’t park next to anyone and run the risk of getting scratched or dinged? Well guess what, hombre. You take your car out in public, you take the chance that something will happen to it. That’s the danger of living in a world that contains other people. If you don’t want to assume that risk, then leave the car in the garage — or better yet, find something more worthwhile to obsess over than the condition of your car. You know, like maybe ANYTHING. What’s next? Are you going to start straddling the line on the freeway, taking up two lanes and thus maintaining a distance from the other cars of at least 10 feet on either side?

If the problem is that your car is too wide to fit in one space, then you must have accidentally purchased a Humvee, or some other absurd vehicle meant for military maneuvers or action films. Take it back to the point of purchase and ask for a refund — unless you think you actually NEED a car that big, in which case visit a therapist and see if there’s anything he can recommend to help you with your feelings of inferiority.

If you don’t want anyone parking near you, then park at the far corner of the lot, where no one wants to park anyway. Take up all the space you want over there. Then get over yourself, punch yourself in the face, and go home and wish someone liked you.

UVSC theater (and theatrics)

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An amusing anecdote:

James Arrington, whom you may know from his “Farley Family” one-man shows, is head of the theater department at Utah Valley State College and occasionally directs there.

When I used to review UVSC productions — something that occurred infrequently, as Arrington was not especially good about sending notification that the plays even existed until a few days before they opened — I sometimes had occasion to write negative reviews. The last one I reviewed was “Almost Perfect,” a dreadful new piece of work which Arrington directed, though I did note that his direction was not necessarily among the show’s problems.

Anyway, when the current semester began, Arrington met with all the theater faculty, as would be the custom for a new semester, and included among his remarks, “The good news is Eric Snider is no longer at the Herald, so we don’t have to worry about bad reviews anymore!” This he followed with one of his trademark hearty laughs.

Much to his chagrin, the first production of the semester, “You Can’t Take It with You” (which he did not direct) managed to get bad reviews — even from the UVSC paper — without my help. He is reported to have groused, “I thought the bad reviews would stop when Eric Snider left!”

Dear James Arrington: The bad reviews will stop when your shows stop sucking! Love, Eric. P.S. Your shows suck.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

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I imagine life at sea must be terribly dull. What would you do all day? Would you get the sense that, no matter how far you traveled, the ocean was big enough to prevent you from ever arriving anywhere?

“Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” is like a sea journey, sailing on for 138 minutes without any particular destination in mind. You see plenty of lovely sights, and get a few snatches of swashbuckling and derring-do, but you get all that without benefit of plot or character development. This is a film that is literally all about the journey, not the destination. It is, though, a rather entertaining journey at times, and never a dull one.

Our leader is Capt. Jack Aubrey, played by Russell Crowe, who must be a great actor because he’s so likable in his movies even though he’s a jerk in real life. The year is 1805, and Aubrey is piloting the HMS Surprise, out chasing down one of Napoleon’s boats, which is said to be intent on spreading the Napoleonic Wars to South America.

The Surprise is damaged in an early skirmish with the French vessel, but Aubrey does not turn back. He insists on repairing the ship at sea even as it continues its pursuit. This is folly, says the ship’s surgeon, Stephen Maturin (Paul Bettany), who is also Aubrey’s best friend. Stephen suggests it’s Aubrey’s personal pride that’s getting in the way of making a more rational decision, and that his crew’s lives are at stake. Aubrey says no, that’s not it, and the matter is dropped.

Did you blink? Because if you did, you missed all you’re going to get in the way of character arcs or personal struggles. Unlike most protagonists, Aubrey does not learn, grow or change over the course of the film. He’s presented as a larger-than-life leader who doesn’t make mistakes, and even his apparent mistakes turn out for the best.

It’s no wonder his crewmen love him, and love him they do. A merrier bunch of seamen never sailed the seven seas. They sit around singing songs quite a bit (answering the “what would you do all day?” question), which is something men nowadays just don’t do. They have no problem following Aubrey wherever he leads them, and for his part, Aubrey is a compassionate, avuncular captain. He knows everyone’s names and pays special attention to the young apprentice boys onboard, ensuring they feel as much a part of the crew as the grownups.

The direction by Peter Weir (“The Truman Show,” “Dead Poets Society”) is praiseworthy indeed, as nearly the entire film takes place on the open sea, and the guy actually had a real ship built for that reason. It is far more exhilarating to see actual people on an actual boat on the actual ocean than it is to see them computer-generated, or to have scenes shot in water tanks on studio lots. Where trickery has been used, it’s been integrated seamlessly with the real thing. As a viewer, it’s a little thrilling to be part of a seafaring adventure, even if we’re not really going anywhere.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action

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Bugs Bunny puts it best in his new film: “If you don’t find a rabbit in lipstick amusing, you and I have nothing to say to each other.”

I believe this sums up the merry, slapstick appeal of the old Warner Bros. cartoons, some of which is recaptured (and some of which is most assuredly not) in “Looney Tunes: Back in Action,” a Roger Rabbit-ish blend of live action and animation in which the humor is sometimes as heavy as the anvils, and other times as subtle as Porky Pig’s gay subtext.

It’s a mixed bag, and even those of us who DO find a rabbit in lipstick amusing won’t love every minute of it. Looney Tunes characters were meant to appear in shorts, not feature-length films, and their charm is not generally sustainable in anything more than short bursts. An irascible duck is daffy for six minutes; after 90 minutes, he’s a headache.

The film is set in the present, in a version of reality where cartoon characters are actual beings who exist in the same world as humans. Bugs Bunny is Warner Bros.’ top draw, which irks Daffy Duck, prompting the latter into a fit which gets him fired by exec Kate Houghton (Jenna Elfman). He is removed from the studio lot by security guard DJ Drake (Brendan Fraser), whom he attaches himself to as his new best friend and agent.

Daffy discovers that DJ’s dad is Damien Drake (Timothy Dalton), Warner Bros.’ most popular human and star of numerous spy films. (Dalton played James Bond in the 1980s, so you see where they’re going here.) Dad’s been taken captive in Las Vegas, however, and sends a message for DJ to come rescue him. He sets out, accompanied by Daffy and pursued by Bugs and Kate, who needs to rehire Daffy, since the ol’ comedy act isn’t working without the foil.

Whew. Turns out Dad is the hostage of Mr. Chairman, head of the evil Acme Corporation, played with exceeding fey goofiness by Steve Martin, who is clearly thinking as though he were actually a cartoon.

The plot, clearly, is not the film’s strong point, having been borrowed from “Spy Kids,” “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” and numerous others. Still Larry Doyle’s (“Duplex,” TV’s “The Simpsons”) script is rather clever in the way it manufactures opportunities to encounter classic WB characters. Sending everyone to Las Vegas means they can run into Yosemite Sam, who now operates a Wild West-themed casino (of course!), and subsequently get lost in the desert, where they’ll naturally meet Wile E. Coyote. A trip to Paris gets them hopping through paintings in the Louvre (one of the film’s more creative sequences), and also puts them on Pepe Le Pew’s home turf.

The screenplay is packed with jokes, too, many of them in the same anarchic spirit of pop-cultural referencing as the old Looney Tunes shorts, plus some self-reference thrown in for good measure. In a lab where aliens are kept, we see a black-and-white Kevin McCarthy running through carrying a pod, crying, “They’re here! You’re next!,” just like he did in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1956). Michael Jordan pops up briefly, a reference to the awful “Space Jam” (1996), which also joined WB ‘toons with humans. And when DJ gets in his car, a Gremlin, we briefly hear the music from “Gremlins” (1984), which, like this film, was scored by Jerry Goldsmith and directed by Joe Dante. (That last one’s a subtle joke; how many people even remember the music from “Gremlins”? I caught it, but how many equally subtle jokes did I miss?) There are a zillion references to a zillion movies — not rip-offs, like the plot, but references, and funny, juicy ones at that.

Dante treats the beloved characters with appropriate levels of respect and mischief. He does not betray who they are, but neither does he worship them. The various actors who provide the voices — Joe Alaskey, Bob Bergen, Billy West and June Foray among them — acquit themselves well, especially considering Foray, as the voice of Granny, is the only original cast member still alive, and the rest are doing impersonations.

It is not an outstanding film, and surely not as good as these fantastic characters deserve. But, as I said, they don’t deserve entire films at all. They deserve shorts, as those are where their assets can be best capitalized upon. But if we are to have full-length movies, then we could do worse than this one. The jokes are plentiful and not generally puerile. (Although, this being the 21st century, there simply MUST be a fart joke — well, not a joke, really. Someone farts; that’s it. More of a fart incident than a fart joke, I guess.) The personalities of these old childhood friends of our come to life outstandingly, and the humans who accompany them on film manage to avoid injury.

Bad 9/11 poetry: ‘Life Goes On’

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Bad 9/11 poetry: ‘Life Goes On’

Immediately after 9/11 happened, The Daily Herald (where I worked at the time) was bombarded with poetry written by locals who apparently believed that, in times of national emergency, The Daily Herald became a literary journal. We had a long-standing policy of not publishing poetry (most papers do), so the opinions page editor just gave them to me. He figured I’d want to collect them, since I have a fondness for bad art. Periodically, I will post some of them here on the blog.

It is not the sentiments expressed in these poems that I find amusing, of course. It’s the poor way in which they are expressed. If you want to pour out your soul in poetry in your journal, that’s fine. But to send it to a newspaper, hoping it will be published, suggests that you actually think it has some artistic merit. Which none of these do, or at least not much.

This first one is actually one of the better ones. Enjoy.

Life Goes On

by L. Carvel Wilson

The flag still flies, school is in,
Planes will fly, we’ll begin again,
Cement, steel sealed in hallowed blood,
Shed by cowards ever present flood.
Hidden men with yellow hearts,
Have no idea what they start,
Today our nation quietly mourns,
Tomorrow like a Phoenix reborn.
We pause, remembrance bitter sweet,
Of time now past and innocence fleet,
Tears still fall and families bleed,
As the World sees freedom’s need.
Sadness wars with rage and grief,
As we turn to God for his relief,
United we stand as life goes on,
We’ll fight until, at last, we’ve won.

My Architect (documentary)

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There’s something a little too self-indulgent, maybe too personal, about “My Architect: A Son’s Journey.” It is partly a documentary about the architect Louis I. Kahn, who died in 1974, but it is mostly about his son Nathaniel’s attempts, 25 years later, to learn about the father he barely knew.

With both scenarios Nathaniel has a strong “So what?” factor to overcome. Kahn was a well-respected but relatively minor architect who didn’t get going until he was in his 50s and whose finished buildings are few. His son takes a camera around the world, literally, to interview people who knew him, and we get a sense of what a charming man he was — even a quarter-century after his death, people he wronged refuse to say anything negative about him — but it never feels like anything other than one specific man’s specific quest, as opposed to something with universal application.

Still, Louis Kahn seems to have been an interesting character. Despite bearing scars from a childhood accident and being a rather plain-looking fellow anyway, he managed to woo three women almost simultaneously. He and his wife Esther had a daughter, but he also produced a daughter with one Anne Tyng, and a son, Nathaniel, with Harriet Pattison. Neither of his lovers ever married anyone — an indication of the tremendous power, however unintentional, that he wielded over people. Anne didn’t know about Harriet, either, and Esther probably knew about neither of them.

Nathaniel saw his father occasionally his early childhood, but never truly knew the man. He is astonished to learn facts he’d never imagined from Louis’ associates, and he has an entertaining run-in with Dad’s old nemesis Ed Bacon, a Philadelphia city planner who kept Kahn from taking part in the redesign of that city’s downtown in the ’50s and ’60s. There is also a rather sweet reunion with the captain of a boat Kahn designed.

Devotees of 20th-century architecture may be interested to see interviews with I.M. Pei, Frank O. Gehry and Philip Johnson, among others, but the film’s narrow, personal focus prevents it from being something for all sons (or daughters) to appreciate. I suspect Nathaniel got a lot out of it, and good for him, but it did little for me.

For the Boys

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My newest pet peeve is guys who refer to their friends as their “boys,” as in, “Me and my boys were hangin’ out at the Dairy Queen.” It’s the sort of phraseology used often by tools, and I don’t like tools. “My boys” is a term that can properly be used only in reference to one’s male children. In any other case, they are not “yours.” You don’t own them, you have no claim on them. What makes them YOUR boys? How do you know YOU’RE not one of THEIR boys? And they are usually not “boys,” either, being over the age of 18 and therefore men. Any adult who refers to himself as a “boy” (or, worse, “boi”) ought to be shunned by society. If we are to be friends, you will have to accept that I allow for no exceptions to these rules.

Cold Case

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My favorite new TV show this season is “Cold Case.” In general, I like cop shows, and I love solving crimes, both on TV and in my personal life.

In this show, a female lady detective woman in Philadelphia, Lily Rush, investigates old crimes that were never solved (“cold cases,” as they say in the biz). The detective work itself is pretty standard, as TV crime dramas go; the fact that the cases are old doesn’t, in and of itself, make it any more compelling.

What makes it work is the style in which it is all presented. As each case is investigated, and suspects and witnesses are interviewed, we see flashbacks to the time period in question. Accompanying this on the soundtrack are whatever songs were popular that year, which is surprisingly helpful (along with hair and fashion choices, of course) in establishing the mood.

In addition — and this is my favorite detail — through cinematographic trickery, the flashbacks are made to look like they were shot in the year in question. Scenes from 1973 in a recent episode looked bleak and washed-out, as if the film stock had deteriorated for 30 years. Last week’s episode, with a murder from 1981, had scenes shot on grainy, cheap video. Wonderful details like that make the show that much better, as they exhibit a bit of imagination.

There’s also Kathryn Morris, who plays Lily Rush. I don’t remember seeing her before, though I see now that she played Tom Cruise’s dead wife in “Minority Report.” In “Cold Case,” she’s fantastic. Lily is adorably cute and perky, but also sharp-tongued and quick. She’s Meg Ryan, but with a backbone. I love watching her. She’s the kind of woman you could fall in love with, but who you know better than to mess with, and that’s one of the things you love about her.

Finally, there’s a certain satisfaction in seeing crimes solved after so many years in limbo. Usually there are family members who finally get some closure, and it appeals to our sense of justice to see bad guys punished. In real life, sometimes there never is closure, and sometimes evil-doers actually get away with murder. But in this show, we can pretend we live in a perfect world, where every crime must be answered for, better late than never.

Love Actually

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While many films extolling the virtues of love are too gooey to be palatable by most humans, “Love Actually” wields its sweetness gracefully, drawing us in with sincerity and humor before ladling on the syrup.

Its conceit is one that is difficult to argue with, no matter how bad a mood you’re in: that despite what you hear about the world being a bad place, love actually is all around us. The opening moments show footage of people greeting loved ones at Heathrow Airport. Our narrator tells us that these reunions — sloppy, unrehearsed and genuine — are proof that love, and not greed, money or selfishness, is what motivates most people.

That narrator, it turns out, is David (Hugh Grant), England’s new prime minister and an eligible bachelor. His story, concerning his fast-developing feelings for a member of his staff, the compulsive-swearer Natalie (Martine McCutcheon), is one of several separate but intertwined stories told in the film. Each of them addresses some aspect of love, and the film celebrates love in all its beauty, joy, heartbreak and agony.

Daniel (Liam Neeson) is a recent widower who is certain he will never love anyone as much as he loved Joanna, and has only his platonic friend Karen (Emma Thompson) to talk to. His young son, Sam (Thomas Sangster), has a schoolboy crush on a classmate. Jamie (Colin Firth), a writer, is living in a cabin in France for a few weeks, slowly and impossibly falling in love with his Portuguese maid Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) despite the language barrier. Sarah (Laura Linney), who works at a magazine, has been in love with co-worker Carl (Rodrigo Santoro) for two years but can’t muster the courage to tell him. Mark (Andrew Lincoln) is best man at his friend Peter’s (Chiwetel Ejiofor) wedding to Juliet (Keira Knightley), then is hopelessly depressed over having lost his friend. Middle-aged Harry (Alan Rickman) enjoys a comfortably frumpy relationship with his wife, and is surprised to find himself the object of a youthful employee’s affections.

Part of the film’s charm is the way it slowly reveals all of these characters’ relationships to each other, surprising us with the revelation, for example, that so-and-so is so-and-so’s husband when all along we thought their subplots were completely separate from one another.

That sort of playfulness in the storytelling is typical of writer/director Richard Curtis, whose previous screenplays include “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” “Notting Hill” and “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” all of whose influence can be felt in “Love Actually,” his directorial debut. He expertly bounces from one story to the next, keeping nearly all of the plates spinning at just the right speed so that only a few get neglected.

(In truth, there are two subplots that ought to have been cut altogether. One with Martin Freeman and Joanna Page as stand-ins on a movie set has some amusing sight gags but doesn’t amount to anything. Another, about a libidinous lad (Kris Marshall) who sets off for America to find some action, is so absurd it belongs in an “American Pie” movie, not here.)

By necessity, to avoid having an eight-hour film, each of the stories is distilled down to its basic elements. We get only the good stuff, and none of the padding normally associated with romantic comedies. The performances are droll, every one of them, the dialogue wry and witty, and the emotional moments by turns poignant, wrenching and jubilant.

There’s the simple and amusing relationship between Jamie and Aurelia, constantly misunderstanding each other without realizing it and falling in love all the while. There’s Mark’s realization that sometimes love is brutal. There’s young Sam’s calculated but innocent attempts to woo his sweetheart through the power of music. There’s an aging rock star (Bill Nighy) and his eventual discovery that love isn’t necessarily a romance-and-sex thing.

There is also the great pleasure in seeing so many terrific actors doing their thing. Emma Thompson: What a delight you are! Why can’t you be in three movies a year, like so many of your less-talented colleagues? Hugh Grant, doing that adorable stammer thing that so many folks like. Colin Firth, appearing in his one-millionth film of this nature but still giving a vulnerable, honest performance as if it were his first. Alan Rickman, always so likably gruff, and Laura Linney, down-to-earth and accessible, and Rowan Atkinson being sublimely silly in two brief appearances, and Billy Bob Thornton playing the American president so well that I think I would vote for him if he ran.

In the end, it requires almost superhuman suspension of disbelief to get so many disparate characters together in two locations, first a school Christmas program, then an airport. But, if this is meant to be eight or nine romantic comedies rolled into one, all existing in the same universe, then it stands to reason that the airport would be a busy place, since that’s where the concluding scenes always seem to take place.

Besides, the whole thing is about love, and what is love if not improbable? What about it makes sense or follows the rules of logic? Love, like a good movie, can convince you of almost anything.

Elf

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On “Saturday Night Live,” Will Ferrell’s genius came from his mastery of one of comedy’s most basic elements: You have to be committed. Nearly anything can be funny as long as the performer completely believes in what he’s doing, no matter how absurd or stupid. If the audience sees doubt in the actor’s eyes — a glimmer of, “This is kinda silly, isn’t it?” — the spell is broken and the humor becomes diluted.

Ferrell demonstrated this principle in nearly every sketch he appeared in during his seven-year stint, and he does it again in “Elf,” his first starring film role. He plays Buddy, a human who crawled into Santa’s sack as a baby and was subsequently raised by elves back at the North Pole. Now, 30 years later, he follows all the customs of the elves, including being perpetually merry, living on sugar, and admiring Santa (played by Edward Asner) to a nearly psychotic degree. Despite physical evidence to the contrary (i.e., being twice the size of one), he believes he is an elf. And more to the point, Ferrell believes that Buddy believes he’s an elf.

This sets the stage for what turns out to be one of the jolliest, funniest, most deliriously whimsical family comedies we’ve seen in quite a while. Buddy finally learns from his adoptive elf father (Bob Newhart) of his true heritage, and sets out for New York — dressed in full elf accouterment — to find his birth father, Walter Hobbs (James Caan), a children’s book editor who is gruff and busy and doesn’t know the True Meaning of Christmas. (Long-lost relatives, as you know, always live in New York and seldom know the True Meaning of anything.)

Buddy’s adventures in the big city are what you’d expect: He’s never dealt with cars before (let alone New York City taxis), he’s fascinated by revolving doors, he takes at face value a cafe’s assertion that it sells the “world’s best cup of coffee,” and he accepts with thanks the fliers for nudie shows being handed out by men on the sidewalk.

But heaven help me, the way Ferrell sells it is hysterical. He’s a completely innocent, blithely naive manchild, skipping and caroling his way through New York like it’s his own personal winter wonderland, demonstrating his obliviousness in an endlessly creative series of vignettes. (Why does he eat cotton balls at the doctor’s office? BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY, that’s why.)

His meeting with his father, who never knew he existed, also results in what you’d expect. Dad is unreceptive, but he has a wife (Mary Steenburgen) and young son (Daniel Tay), whom he neglects, who like Buddy and take him into their home. Buddy wreaks havoc on Dad’s work, causing Dad to blow up. Then Buddy saves the day, and Christmas, and probably the world, all while developing a crush on a girl (Zooey Deschanel) who finds his elf-like guilelessness fascinating.

It’s a lot like “Splash,” and a lot like “Big,” and a lot like some other movies that did not star Tom Hanks. Some family films attempt originality; this one, written by first-timer David Berenbaum and directed by Jon Favreau, is happy to rely on familiar devices, confident that the performances and good-natured holiday cheerfulness will bolster it.

The plan works, and it’s Ferrell’s film all the way. In fact, there is a noticeable decrease in the film’s buoyancy when he is not on the screen, as the story falls back to earth, its unoriginal roots becoming more obvious. Fortunately, he’s nearly always visible, his enthusiasm, dedication and sheer comic agility completely infectious. Kids will probably find his antics amusing, if not hilarious, while enjoying the simple story. Adults, whose eyes for genius are a bit keener, will find no end to the delight that is Will Ferrell.

Gloomy Sunday (German)

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“Gloomy Sunday” is, as the film’s subtitle tells us, a song of love and death (“Ein Lied von Liebe und Tod”). Composed by Rezso Seress in 1933, the song earned the eerie distinction of being the inspiration for — or at least the soundtrack to — a rash of suicides in the ’30s. Much of that is legend, I’m sure, and certainly there were plenty of reasons to commit suicide in Eastern Europe in the ’30s without using a song as scapegoat, but the idea of such a thing is intriguing.

German director Rolf Schubel’s film “Gloomy Sunday,” adapted from a novel by Nick Barkow, blends history, fiction and a healthy dose of violin-scored melodrama into a lovely, aching little movie. It begins in the present, with a man celebrating his 80th birthday at a Budapest restaurant called Szabo, where he spent some time in his youth. He requests that a particular song be played by the house pianist and violinist, and as its haunting tones overtake us, he collapses into death. “That song is cursed!” declares a witness.

We are then transported to those bygone days, just prior to and during World War II, when the restaurant was new and when its patrons were many. The owner is Laszlo Szabo (Joachim Krol), a paunchy, average-looking man who has had a relationship with his head waitress, the enchantingly beautiful Ilona (Erika Marozsan), for four years. He knows that many of the restaurant’s male patrons are bewitched by her, but he is oddly unthreatened — even pleased by it, in fact, as their fondness for Ilona keeps them coming back night after night.

Into this little slice of Hungarian heaven comes Andras Aradi (Stefano Dionisi), a handsome pianist who is hired to provide live music on Szabo’s newly purchased grand piano. He is smitten with Ilona, as is everyone, but this time Ilona demurely returns his affections. Laszlo remains unconcerned about the prospect of losing his love to another man, and in fact Ilona begins sleeping with both men and does nothing to hide it.

It is here that I must note the apparent difference between European and American men, if the films of that continent are to be believed. These three-way relationships, where two men share a woman with little or no jealousy, are the subject of enough European films to be considered commonplace. In American films, men are far too territorial to allow such a thing. “Gloomy Sunday,” “Jules and Jim” and “The Dreamers” are three European films off the top of my head that have done it, while the only American one I can recall is “Threesome” (and that only because my colleague Scott Weinberg pointed it out to me).

I mention all this because, despite what you might think, the unconventional (or perhaps it is conventional — I’ve never lived in bohemian Europe) nature of Laszlo, Ilona and Andras’ relationship is not the focus of the film. There is a brief moment when the men believe it will be impossible to go on this way, but that dilemma is resolved and the movie jumps ahead three years, where they have settled into a comfortable three-way relationship, Ilona going home with one man one night and the other the next. Or maybe the same man twice in a row, it doesn’t seem to matter.

No, the focus of the film, at least for a while, is the song “Gloomy Sunday,” a poignant and sad melody written by Andras for Ilona’s birthday early in his career at Szabo. It quickly becomes a favorite among patrons, including Hans Wieck (Ben Becker), one of Ilona’s more ardent admirers and eventually a colonel in Hitler’s military. Music producers hear it one night, a recording is made, radio stations play it, and “Gloomy Sunday” becomes a hit.

The drawback to this success is the bizarre string of suicides connected with it. First there are five suicides in three days, all enacted with “Gloomy Sunday” on the phonograph or after the victims had heard it at Szabo. Then, paralleling Hitler’s march across Europe, “Gloomy Sunday” marches across the world, leaving dozens of suicides in its wake.

The film does not attempt to explain why, exactly, people would be driven to suicide by a song. We’ve all heard music that made us want to kill ourselves, but this isn’t Toby Keith or Avril Lavigne. “Gloomy Sunday” is a GOOD song. But if it makes casual listeners kill themselves, you can imagine its effect on the man who wrote it.

Through it all, the film continues the romance among Ilona, Laszlo and Andras, and how it is impacted by the Nazis. (Laszlo is a Jew.) Wieck re-enters the picture during the war, not interested in Hitler’s “Final Solution,” particularly, but more in making money, cutting deals and doing favors for anyone who can pay him. He is practical and mercenary, perhaps not as evil as his bosses, but surely no saint either.

His effect on the threesome is profound, and though the film has a few touches of wry humor scattered throughout, it is mostly a drama. It is unabashedly romantic with its classic themes of love and betrayal and its vivid re-creation of the old-world beauty and charm of pre-war Budapest.

Is it sad? Well, most films involving Nazis are. But it also has a fantastically satisfying conclusion, marred only somewhat by a hideous modern rendition of “Gloomy Sunday.” It’s a film worth seeking out, a good fit for a rainy Saturday or any other less-than-bright day of the week.

The Matrix Revolutions

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By now, the “Matrix” series seems high on the heroin of its own coolness. What was groundbreaking, even breathtaking, in the first entry feels like beating a dead horse in the third. Now there are guys who can shoot guns while standing on the ceiling, and Trinity does a flip while performing the simple task of jumping over a subway turnstile. Show off much?

But maybe too much is never enough. “The Matrix Revolutions” is better than “The Matrix Reloaded,” having gotten most of the philosophical mumbo-jumbo out of its system in that middle chapter. It doesn’t have the gee-whiz factor of Vol. I, nor the original’s mind-bending ideas, which now are familiar to us. What it is, is a fairly straightforward futuristic action-adventure flick, and a good one at that. If Larry and Andy, the Wachowski Brothers who wrote and directed it, sometimes lay the bravado on a bit thick (“Look! We can still slow down time!”), it’s a pardonable offense.

Once again, there is no recap; if you haven’t seen the first two films, don’t bother with this one. Neo (Keanu Reeves) is stuck between the machine world and the matrix, in a realm run by the Merovingian (Lambert Wilson), that French information-trader with the hot wife (Monica Bellucci). Neo’s girlfriend Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) and Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), the biggest believer in Neo’s messianic potential, are back in the underground Zion, preparing to fight the onslaught of sentinels burrowing toward them.

Meanwhile, good guy Bane (Ian Bliss) has been assimilated by Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving), making him a dangerous infiltration into Zion, since he still looks like Bane (but does a good possessed-by-Agent-Smith impression, so kudos to Ian Bliss for that). And the Oracle has had to take on a new form in order to flee the bad guys, and also because the actress who used to play her, Gloria Foster, died; now she is Mary Alice, who gives the role the same steely, grandmotherly dignity.

The film moves at that Matrix-y sort of pace, not especially fast but not too slow, either. It has a pretty exciting centerpiece scene, destined to become a video game, in which humans shoot down sentinels as they swarm into Zion. While this is going on, there’s a parallel adventure with Niobe (Jada Pinkett Smith) piloting a ship through dangerous territory. The cross-cutting from one to the other reminds me of the end of “Star Wars,” albeit darker and more perilous.

That’s not the only film allusion, either. The Wachowskis know their movies and know how to reference them. There’s some “Wizard of Oz” in Neo’s journey, and a bit of “Superman II” in Neo’s destructive battle with Agent Smith. That’s not to mention the way it all resembles the countless other post-apocalyptic films about people who live in secret underground cities. (Evidently, it will be much easier to dig miles into the earth after the end of civilization than it is now.)

When the film gets slowed down is, as ever, when Keanu Reeves is called upon to do something other than fight. He often utters lines that, as written, call for emotion of some kind, yet he consistently speaks them dispassionately. This, even when he is surrounded by other performers giving energy and conviction to their roles: Clayton Watson as a kid who volunteers for service, Harry J. Lennix as stern Commander Locke, Nathaniel Lees as the warrior Mifune, and of course the hammy Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith. In fact, nearly everyone EXCEPT Keanu Reeves remembers that movies are supposed to be fun; he seems so caught up in Neo’s weight-of-the-world dilemma that he forgets, as an actor, how to breathe life into the part.

There’s some of that dreariness in the whole trilogy, in fact. It entertains, but it often seems too arduous to watch the films, to slog through the philosophy, to bear all the doom and blackness, just to get to the admittedly kick-butt action sequences. “Revolutions” is not the least bit revolutionary, but it wraps up the story and jolts the senses with an admirably proficient slickness.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised (documentary; Spanish)

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The BBC was planning to make a boring ol’ documentary about Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, but instead they got to film a coup! Talk about being in the right place at the right time.

Filmmakers Kim Bartley and Donnacha O’Briain were in Caracas for several months before the April 12, 2002, military coup. They’d been granted intimate access to Chavez, the charismatic, democratically elected president who cites Venezuelan liberator and hero Simon Bolivar as his idol. Under previous leadership, Venezuela’s economy had become so skewed that 80 percent of the population was poor while 20 percent was filthy rich. Chavez wanted to redistribute the wealth, making him popular with, oh, I’d guess 80 percent of the people and a villain among the other 20 percent.

He also wanted to get his country out from under the thumb of free-market policies imposed by the U.S. That and his communist leanings made Washington suspicious of him. His criticism of America’s post-9/11 bombing of Afghanistan — “You cannot fight terror with terror,” he says — clinched it: The U.S. was no longer his friend.

In the midst of this, parallel demonstrations emerged outside the presidential palace. The anti-Chavez marchers were there first, demanding he step down. The pro-Chavez group showed up later, and things were tense but manageable. Then snipers began firing on the pro-Chavez demonstrators from the rooftops, and all hell broke loose.

Bartley and O’Briain are there for all of it, and their film shows us the awesome power of television in the modern political arena. Chavez ensured that all TV stations were free to say whatever they wanted, but he used the state-run station to air a Q-and-A session with him every week, showing the people that he was a man of them. (Only fair, of course, if the privately owned stations were going to be criticizing him, that he get some face time, too.) After the coup, the anti-Chavez stations aired and re-aired footage of the demonstration that made it look like Chavez supporters were firing on the crowd. In fact, as Bartley and O’Briain’s footage — shot from another vantage point — shows, Chavez’s supporters were RETURNING fire on the snipers, and the streets below them were empty. The news media — run, just as in the U.S., by wealthy people — were among the 20 percent who didn’t like Chavez.

TV is crucial at every step, for both sides. When the Chavez cabinet ultimately regains power, they know the first thing they must do is get the state-run station back on the air so they can get the word out to the people. It’s no use quashing a rebellion if you can’t let people know you’ve done it, and nothing’s faster than TV.

In considering the impact of television on politics, I realize this: The average viewer of this film won’t know any more about Chavez or his country than the film tells them. Watching it, I get the sense that Chavez is a warm, friendly man who cares about the people he works for. Is that fact, or is that only what “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” wants me to think? Have they manipulated truth the same way the anti-Chavez news stations did during the coup? Certainly there are people who believe they have. Some have even questioned the accuracy of the alternate-angle footage I mentioned earlier, saying it was doctored to make it look like the Chavez supporters were firing over empty streets, when in fact the streets were full.

Which is why the film works more as a starting point than as an end to itself. It’s impossible to know without having been there what really went on during those few days, and I suspect it would take several weeks of reading Venezuelan newspapers to get a feel for what kind of president Chavez is. Even then, it would be subjective: A lot of people read American papers every day and still have widely divergent feelings about George W. Bush.

So what is the movie? It’s an account of a historical event, shot while it happened by a film crew. It does not have obvious signs of bias one way or the other, and it more or less lets the players speak for themselves. It gives us a sense of Venezuela’s political and social climate in April 2002, and in that regard it is most fascinating.

Jack Bauer: Hero or heroin?

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How much do I love “24”? I love it like a heroin addict loves his heroin! Which apparently is quite a lot, as I’ve learned from watching Jack Bauer struggle with his new addiction the past couple episodes.

I must say I’m slightly disappointed with the season so far, as it has been two hours already and Jack has not killed even one person. By this time last year, he had already killed about five people, and even sawed the head off one of them. He killed a dog at one point, too.

I’m also disappointed that in the three years that have passed since the last season ended, Jack’s daughter Kim has failed to be devoured by a shark, or murdered by pirates, or to die in any other whimsical fashion. Instead, she is not only alive, but working at CTU. What she does there, I can’t imagine. Checks her e-mail and Googles her friends, probably.

But even if “24” has been slow out of the starting gate, they’ve definitely set up some good possibilities. Jack’s heroin addiction is nice, and so is the president’s inter-racial romance with his doctor (what the H?). Kim’s relationship with Jack’s CTU partner, Chase, is dumb, and so is any attempt to bring family drama into what should be a show about shooting bad guys and blowing up the world. But overall, the show’s still got the mojo. If Jack starts killing people next episode, I’ll be a happy camper.

El Zorrero

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While browsing an online dictionary of Mexican slang (don’t ask), I stumbled across this word: “zorrero.” It can be used as an adjective to mean “sly or cunning,” as in “¡Que zorrero!,” i.e., “What a sly or cunning thing to have done!” But its more literal translation, as a noun, is “a thief who robs your house and then craps on the floor.”

¡What a wonderful word! I thought, “Why is there no word for this in English?” And then I thought, “More to the point, why don’t English-speaking burglars ever crap on the floor? Why is it only burglars in Mexico who do this?” I mean, it must happen, or there wouldn’t have been a need to create a word for it. (Are Mexican burglars incontinent? That could be the case. I mean, I know what happens to me after I eat Mexican food. I can only imagine if that were ALL I ate. In fact, some weekends, that IS all I eat. And I know what happens. I’ve proved my own point.)

As I discussed the matter over lunch with my friend Smacky, we concluded that in America, burglars wouldn’t risk leaving behind any DNA. In Mexico, however, law enforcement is a bit, how you say, lax. They’re not up on DNA science there; the only way they can even use fingerprints to learn a culprit’s identity is if the criminal actually leaves a finger at the scene. So why not “go” if you have to?

Then we imagined a Mexican cop drama, “Mexico City P.D. Azul,” with a hardened detective arriving at the scene, taking a sniff, and saying, “This looks like the work of El Zorrero. ¡Bring him in for questioning!” And El Zorrero, who zorrero-izes his crime scenes so often that he has come to personify the act, is cocky and defiant back at the precinct. The cops are grilling him, and he’s just sitting there saying, “¡You got nothing on me!” I don’t know how they eventually convict him. Maybe a sting operation, or maybe they slip an indigestible transmitter into his food and wait for it to show up at a crime scene 16-24 hours later. However they do it, I’m sure it is clever. ¡Que zorrero!

Free Chips

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I recently had occasion to eat at Rio Grande in Salt Lake City. It was my second time there, and I can’t foresee going back, ever again, even if dragged by strong mechanical pulling devices, or bewitched by some kind of spell.

The service was slow both times, but more appalling, this is a Mexican restaurant, and they CHARGE you for the chips and salsa! For a Mexican place, charging for chips and salsa is like charging for silverware and plates.

And they don’t warn you, either. The waitress says, “Would you like some chips and salsa?,” and you say yes, because it’s a Mexican restaurant, and of course you want chips and salsa. You have no reason to think there might be a charge for it, because that would be INSANE, to charge for it.

Dear Mexican restaurants that charge for chips and salsa: I hate you. May you burn in hell. Love, Eric.

By the way, Jacinto’s in Provo not only gives you free chips and salsa, but ALSO gives you free fresh-made TORTILLAS, with honey and butter if you so desire. They also have Diet Dr Pepper there, which as you know tastes more like regular Dr Pepper. (Tastes more like it than what does? Than water does? Well, obviously.) You get so full on chips and salsa and tortillas that you barely have room for the entree. One of these days I want to go in and just order a Diet Dr Pepper and see if they’ll let me get full on all the free stuff, but I’m kind of afraid the answer will be no. I’d rather go on living with the sweet fantasy that it COULD happen.

Getting Quoted

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A movie theater in Portland is quoting me in their ads for a movie I didn’t like. But it’s OK! first, some background.

The age-old question for people promoting bad movies: How do you find critics’ quotes that don’t sound negative?

There are quite a few critics known as “quote whores” who will say basically whatever you want them to just because they like being quoted. Perhaps they think greater name recognition will mean greater career advancement. Or maybe they actually like every movie they see, like my friend Rob, who I think just enjoys the fact that he’s watching recorded images projected against a screen in the dark, regardless of the quality of those images. (I kid Rob. Rob knows I love him, even more than he loves every single movie he sees.)

But sometimes the quote whores aren’t available. If a film is too new, or too small, then maybe the quote whores haven’t seen it. That’s usually when I get quoted.

My first big one was for “My First Mister” (2001), a very pleasant Albert Brooks film. I saw it at Sundance and posted a review. When it was released in theaters later that year, my review was one of only a few in existence, since only a handful of critics actually review everything they see at Sundance. So the marketers had almost no choice but to quote me — which they did, in a full-page ad that ran in the Sunday New York Times.

Fortunately, I actually liked “My First Mister” and therefore didn’t mind being quoted. (I do think it’s amusing how, if you went by movie ads, you’d think film critics ended every sentence with an exclamation point.) That wasn’t the case with “The Singles Ward” (2002), a Mormon comedy that was heavy on the Mormon, light on the comedy. Those guys, local Utah boys, ran ads with quotes from me and two other Utah critics, all pulled from negative reviews and cobbled together using ellipses (…). They claimed it was meant as a joke, but it was a joke only they got. You can read about the whole thing here.

The next really bad Mormon film to come along was “The Work and the Story” (2003), a mockumentary about Mormon filmmaking. I said it was terrible, but had one scene that was “nearly genius.” In the ads, they quoted me as saying, “nearly genius!”

When I raised a fuss about this, I got an e-mail from some kid trying to tell me that filmmakers do this all the time, taking words out of context to make it look like a critic said the opposite of what he actually said. I countered with this argument: No, they don’t. Yes, filmmakers pull positive words from negative reviews — but NOT to suggest the critic liked a movie he didn’t like. They’ll pull a “So-and-so gives a good performance” from “So-and-so gives a good performance in an otherwise bad movie” — but that’s honest praise for So-and-so, and so it’s fair to use it. I’m talking about giving a false impression of the critic’s opinion of the movie OVERALL, and that simply isn’t done by professionals. And on the rare occasions it does happen, the critics usually complain and the offending ad gets dropped.

Here’s how to do it right: Portland’s Cinema 21, an arthouse up there in the Pacific Northwest, is showing “Girls Will be Girls,” a campy comedy that I gave a D+. As with “My First Mister,” this was a Sundance film for which not many reviews have been written. Cinema 21 wanted to use quotes in its promotional materials, so what to do?

They did it exactly right. They quoted me as saying, “The cartoon-colorful sets are a visual treat, and match the film’s attitude.” That’s what I actually said (OK, I said “match WELL the film’s attitude”), and it’s not taken dreadfully out of context.

There, “Singles Ward” and “Work and the Story” guys. That’s how you use negative reviews to your advantage. You find something positive the critic actually said. If he didn’t say anything positive at all, not one word, then maybe next time you shouldn’t make such a crappy film. Have you considered that?

Brother Bear

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Disney keeps talking about shutting down its hand-drawn animation department altogether because recent entries like “Treasure Planet” and “Atlantis” have failed to set the box office on fire. In typically twisted Hollywood logic, Disney figures that if the computer-animated films are doing better than the hand-drawn ones, then it must be because hand-drawn animation is unpopular. It couldn’t be that the films are just BAD; no, it must be the way they’re DRAWN.

“Brother Bear” would have been a lame movie either way. The fact that a team of animators sat there and drew it rather than computerizing it doesn’t change the fact that the story is just rehashed man-and-nature, circle-of-life, colors-of-the-wind, “Pocahontas”-style conservationist claptrap. It has a human turned into an animal so he can learn a lesson (“The Emperor’s New Groove”), a talking-animal sidekick who annoys his grumpy partner (“Shrek”), a prehistoric journey involving several disparate species (“Ice Age”), a beloved relative who dies after being pushed from a great height (“The Lion King”) and missing or dead parents (every cartoon ever made).

The good news is: The kids will probably like it, and the adults will tolerate it. If that doesn’t sound like a glowing endorsement, it’s not.

Kenai (voice of Joaquin Phoenix) is a young American Indian boy who is disappointed to be designated with a bear totem. For one thing, he hates bears (they’re always stealing people’s food), and for another thing, the bear symbolizes love, which is a pansy emotion. He was hoping for the eagle of courage like his brother Sitka (D.B. Sweeney) or the wolf of wisdom like his other brother Denahi (Jason Raize). Instead he’s stuck with the stupid bear of love. *$@!& bears!

Then, to top it off, a bear is responsible for the death of a loved one. Sure, the bear was only angry because Kenai was out tormenting it, but Kenai does not take this into account. When he seeks revenge on the bear, the spirits turn him into one, so that he can see how the other half lives, as it were. The only way to become human again is to find the mountaintop where “the light touches the Earth,” commune with the spirits there, and beg them for a while.

This means a journey, and he soon meets a bear cub named Koda (Jeremy Suarez) who is keen to have a big brother and whose mom is missing. He leads Kenai to his destination, and Kenai learns valuable bear lessons along the way, such as which woods to crap in.

Also, there are two moose played by Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis, doing their old Bob and Doug McKenzie characters. They’re amusing, but aside from a few scattered chuckles, the film is more childlike and cartoony than it is funny. Again, kids will find it holds their attention, but it’s not the sort of all-ages animated film Disney has usually produced in the past. And even as just-for-kids fare, its generic characters and tired themes make it no better than mediocre.

It’s punctuated by Phil Collins songs, including a tender one where he sings, with great Phil Collins-y earnestness, “Brother Bear, I let you down.” I’m not even sure how to critique something like that.

Frankenstein

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Turner Classic Movies was showing Frankenstein movies on Halloween, so I TiVoed the original, “Frankenstein” (1931), and watched it today. It’s one of those essentials of film history that I’d never seen before, so I figured I ought to, if only to help me deal with people who assume that because I’m a movie critic, that means I’ve seen every film ever made. (“You’ve never seen [name of movie]?!” they say, astonished that it is possible for a man of the world not to have seen whatever title they’ve pulled out of their butt.)

I’m fascinated by how society’s tastes change over time. Simply put, people were more easily amused in the old days, more easily scared, more easily entertained in general. There weren’t as many media vying for their attention. They had radio, movies, books and magazines, and not nearly as many of those things as there are now. Then of course TV came along and changed everything, and then video games and the Internet changed it some more, and now people are much harder to entertain because they’ve seen so much already.

I mention this because “Frankenstein” is not the least bit frightening, hardly even atmospheric, and only barely competent in the way it’s assembled. The editing is shoddy, the sets are cheap, the “monster” is a guy in admittedly pretty good makeup clunking around in huge platform shoes.

But in 1931, it had people wetting their pants, probably literally. Dr. Frankenstein’s line “Now I know how it feels to BE God!” caused outrage and was removed (it’s been restored now), and the moment when the monster throws the little girl in the lake was taken out, too (also restored now). Today, neither of these elements would make anyone bat an eye.

I will say this for it, though: It lets a kid die. I’m always frustrated when films about killers refuse to let them kill children. Even the “Friday the 13th” series — a group of films known for their cruelty and for killing people of all types — adhered to this rule. Teens were OK; young children were not. “Frankenstein” let the monster toss a girl in the water because he thought she would float like a flower. She drowned. Whoops! Good for “Frankenstein.”

(A year before “Frankenstein” came out, Germany produced its first major talking picture, “M,” about a serial child murderer. “Frankenstein” takes place in Germany, too. Perhaps the rule is that only German children are allowed to be killed in movies. Fine with me. It’s a start.)

Even if you haven’t seen “Frankenstein,” you probably know the basics, through references or parodies you’ve seen. The doctor yelling, “It’s alive!,” the monster grunting pretty much the way Phil Hartman used to do in his “Saturday Night Live” impersonations, the mob of angry townspeople carrying torches as they pursue the creature — they’re all there.

There’s no Igor, though. Frankenstein has a wormy, hunchbacked assistant, but his name is Fritz. And the mad doctor doesn’t work out of a castle, but out of an old windmill, don’t ask me why.

The film is 71 minutes long, not at all uncommon for movies before 1950. One curiosity about public taste is that even though people’s attention spans have gotten shorter over the years, movies have actually gotten longer. Sixty minutes is considered the length for something to be a “feature film,” and quite a few of them back then barely reached that point. Now, very, very few major releases are shorter than 80 minutes, and those are almost always animated films.

I suspect the reason for longer movies now is mostly financial. Film — the actual stuff the movies are shot on — costs money, and movie producers are richer now. Since the 1970s, we’ve also placed a greater emphasis on directors (who were mostly personas not grata, with a few notable exceptions, before that), and directors like to shoot stuff. When the studios ran things, as in the 1930s and ’40s, they wanted to save money, not spend it, and this resulted in shorter products. Once directors were given more control, you started seeing the huge, bloated, over-long films we often encounter today.

By the way, the director of “Frankenstein” was James Whale, portrayed by Sir Ian McKellen in the 1998 film “Gods and Monsters” … another movie I haven’t seen. Give me some time.

Die Mommie Die!

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An amalgamation of films like “Mommie Dearest” and “Sunset Boulevard,” “Die Mommie Die!” is a campy gay comedy that will be an acquired taste for viewers. At the press screening I attended at the Sundance Film Festival, several audience members laughed all the way through, in particular at nearly everything spoken by the lead character, aging songstress Angela Arden, who is played by Charles Busch, in drag.

Other viewers, including me, found the arch dialogue amusing at first but eventually tiresome. Angela Arden would be hysterical in a series of five-minute “Saturday Night Live” sketches; Busch, who wrote the film based on his play, plays her with enviable flair and pitch-perfect melodrama, evoking the spirits of people like Bette Davis, Joan Crawford and Susan Hayward. But with a flimsy plot and a reliance on “aren’t-we-naughty?” gay jokes, a feature-length film quickly becomes insufferable.

Set in the 1960s, and perfectly imitating the dialogue of the movies of that era, the film finds Angela Arden at the end of her career. Her sister and singing partner Barbara died years ago. Her unloving producer husband, Sol (Philip Baker Hall), won’t grant her a divorce, even though he knows she’s carrying on with studly young bad actor Tony Parker (Jason Priestley). Her daughter, Edith (Natasha Lyonne), hates her. Her son, Lance (Stark Sands), loves her but is dumb as a rock and rather confused these days about his sexuality.

Angela kills Sol and makes it look like an accident, but soon everyone is suspicious. Tony, with an agenda of his own, begins affairs with both of Angela’s children, while the know-it-all maid Bootsie (Frances Conroy) interferes and offers platitudes.

The cast is fully committed to the style Busch and director Mark Rucker are going for, but they simply can’t sustain the laughs for the whole movie. Busch wrote “Psycho Beach Party” (2000), too, and that film had a similar uneven feel to it. You admire their dedication to what they’ve chosen to do; you just wonder why it has to drag on for 90 minutes.

In the Cut

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If there ever was an era when America wanted to see Meg Ryan naked — and this is doubtful — it surely ended 10 years ago. Yet here comes “In the Cut,” a flat, pretentious psychodrama in which Meggers does the full monty, for several seconds, and then she keeps being topless for what seems like hours, and then again later on, for no good reason. She looks fine, especially for a woman of 41, but this is not the way we want to see cute and perky Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan needs to have clothes on. I’m just sayin’.

Oh, but there are more reasons to dislike this movie. Meg plays Frannie Avery, a high school literature teacher in New York City who loves words and poetry and lives alone in a small apartment. She has a sister, Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh), who is mildly crazy and obsessive, a student (Sharrieff Pugh) who’s a little too interested in John Wayne Gacy, and a guy she used to date (Kevin Bacon) who now stalks her. So life is good in the Big Apple.

Then Frannie meets Detective James Malloy (Mark Ruffalo) and his vulgar partner Richard Rodriguez (Nick Damici). They’re investigating the murder and dismemberment of a local girl; seems her head was found in Frannie’s courtyard. Frannie recognizes a couple clues (I won’t spoil anything) and compiles a mental list of suspects of her own, all while beginning a steamy relationship with Malloy.

The director, Jane Campion (“The Piano”), who adapted Susanna Moore’s novel with Moore’s help, has a rather standard murder mystery on her hands, yet she refuses to accept it. The film keeps trying to be something else — sexually charged drama, exposé on big-city paranoia, showcase for Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo nudity, etc. — but these things are annoyances, distractions from what’s really going on.

Muddying the waters even further is the cryptic, arch dialogue that permeates every moment of the film. There are few normal conversations. Everyone speaks oddly, seldom answering one another’s questions and issuing non-sequiturs while traipsing through too-dark interiors — all the hallmarks of a film trying to be Important and Meaningful when it’s not.

Meg Ryan actually does pretty well, though, despite the crap she has to work with. Her cute-and-perky demeanor in this case makes her seem vulnerable, which is good for a character in her dangerous position. I like a clothed Meg, and I like seeing her do something risky, even if, as in this case, it doesn’t pan out.

Alien: Special Edition

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Ridley Scott’s “Alien” (1979), now back in theaters in a “director’s cut” version, remains one of the best examples of sustained tension. There is a sense of ominousness, a sense that something bad is going to happen, from the moment the film begins.

Assisting this feeling of dread is Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett’s script, which wastes no dialogue, and which indeed has no dialogue at all for the first six minutes. Space is a quiet place — it’s where “no one can hear you scream,” the tagline reminded us — and the cargo ship Nostromo is quiet, too. Its seven crew members don’t speak when they don’t have to. Much of their time in the hours we spend with them is spent creeping around the ship, looking for an escaped alien and being as silent as possible. Silence, you soon notice, is scary.

The hero of the film is Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), though that is not apparent when it begins. She is one of seven crew members, one of two women, and she isn’t the captain. She becomes the hero by default, though you can see her being established that way, slowly, as the film progresses. It is she who is most adamant about not bringing an alien life form on board the ship, in accordance with the law. It is also she who speaks the most powerfully: Of the five F-words uttered in the film, four of them come out of her mouth. The other female crew member is hysterical and emotional; Ripley is calm, breaking down only once, and just briefly. This is not a girl to mess with.

The fact that this is a director’s cut isn’t especially noteworthy. Scott hasn’t done anything drastic to the film; just a little nipping and tucking here and there, a bit of never-before-seen footage, some minor cuts. What’s significant is that the film is still thrilling after 24 years and that, apart from the ultra-cheesy “futuristic” computer graphics, it feels like it could have been made yesterday. Filmmakers haven’t gotten any better at creating an atmosphere of tension and suspense; if anything, they’ve come to rely more on special effects and fast editing, both of which are used only sparsely here. Fear of what may happen, as always, is scarier than what happens.

Though the film is completely engaging and one of the best of its genre, I still have issues with the ending, which I think is anti-climactic. The stalemate created between Ripley and the monster ought to have been resolved in a more interesting or clever way. But maybe that’s picking at nits. Maybe we ought to be relieved the matter is resolved at all, after two hours of anxiety.

Shattered Glass

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I don’t know how much people outside the world of journalism remember Stephen Glass. In 1998, he was fired from The New Republic magazine for committing some major ethical violations, to put it mildly. “Shattered Glass,” the engrossing new film that tells the story, works best if you don’t recall the scandal at all. The surprises are nicer, and the drama is deeper, if you take Stephen Glass for what he appears to be.

Played here by Hayden Christensen, Glass is a baby-faced 24-year-old with a strong, even pathological need to be liked. He is humble and self-effacing, and he remembers details about his co-workers so that he can endear himself to them later. He’s not smarmy or unctuous about it, though; he seems genuinely eager to please. The thing he asks most often, at the slightest sign of trouble, is, “Are you mad at me?”

As a journalist, Glass is first-rate. He gets fantastic stories about amazing people and writes them with color and flair. He is beloved of his colleagues and editors.

But this is a film in which good guys seem like bad guys, and vice versa. Glass’ first editor, the fatherly Michael Kelly (Hank Azaria), is dismissed and replaced by Glass’ colleague, Chuck Lane (Peter Sarsgaard). Chuck is humorless and perhaps envious of Glass’ success. The staff loved Kelly; they are not fans of Lane. So when he begins to question some of Glass’ reporting, he has little support from the troops.

I won’t say more about the specifics of the film so that those who don’t recall the case can more fully enjoy seeing it unfold, seeing masks removed, and seeing the audacity and boldness of youth. Christensen’s performance is strong, letting his youthfulness work to his advantage. Glass is a kid in a grown-up world, and Christensen fits the part to a tee. You can’t not be charmed by him, and as things begin to unravel, and as he apologizes for one lie by telling another, your stomach will churn along with his. (This is especially true if you, too, have recently been called on the carpet by an angry editor.)

Peter Sarsgaard is also very good in a difficult role, that of the antagonist with noble intentions. Steve Zahn lends comedy, as always, as a writer for an online publication who blows the whistle on Glass.

Part of me would like to have seen the film go further than it does in exploring Glass’ frame of mind, to explain not just how he did what he did, but why. But leaving some stones unturned allows for more discussion after the film has ended, and I applaud writer/director Billy Ray (the writer of “Hart’s War” and “Volcano,” making his directorial debut) for keeping the pace swift and the details relevant. Very little of the film takes place outside of the hectic but family-like atmosphere of the New Republic office, and the film feels focused and well-defined because of it. It’s not about journalism in general (though it touches on the way its practiced modernly), or about one man’s entire life. It’s about what one man did with his career, and if the reasons for it are not spelled out, they are at least compellingly implied. I think Ray’s purpose is not to suggest that some journalists are appalling, but to suggest that some of them are human, which might be even more difficult to believe.

Snowing on Halloween

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It’s snowing in Utah today. I don’t recall it snowing on Halloween in all the years I’ve lived here, which is now the better part of a decade (though I don’t know if “better” is really the right word). I’m curious whether it will prevent trick-or-treaters from making their rounds. I suspect kids have a post office-style “neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night” kind of credo when it comes to that sort of thing. At any rate, no one will be home at Eric’s Unit tonight to answer the door anyway. I didn’t even buy any candy. In these times of financial woe, it’s hard to justify buying candy just to give it away to other people, who never even HAD jobs.

Like I said, I don’t remember it snowing here on Halloween before, though it certainly has been cold. I remember as a kid, in Southern California, hearing my mom talk with another mom about how it’s too bad Halloween doesn’t come sooner in the year. Kids want to be some scantily clad character like Tarzan or Wonder Woman, but by the time it’s Oct. 31, it’s too cold. What’s funny is that this was in Southern California, where “too cold” meant it got down to maybe 60, which is nothing to the hardy Utahns and their frozen, snowy Halloweens.

I saw a greeter at Wal-Mart today who was dressed like a scary clown, which I realize is already a redundancy, but she was dressed like an especially scary one. The makeup smile was noticeably creepier than usual, a sort of Revlon maw of death that beckoned shoppers to their unwitting demise. If I’d seen her on my way in, rather than on my way out, I wouldn’t have gone in, I don’t think.

I hear reports from my former place of employment (The Daily Herald) that the advertising department has decorated its entire section of the building to look like a pirate ship, and all the employees are dressed as pirates. (Just think if they’d put this kind of energy toward the sale of ads, they might actually, I don’t know, sell some ads.) I sort of wish I were there, because I like pirates, and seeing the ad department in their various states of play — throwing footballs around, shooting Nerf basketball, singing songs — was one of my favorite Daily Herald pastimes anyway.

Last year, the classified ad department made their section look like a graveyard, with cardboard tombstones all around. The only problem with this is that the classified ad department is also where people come in to buy obituaries, and I can’t imagine those mourning loved ones would be amused at the sight of fake tombstones with pun names and clever rhyming epitaphs festooning the office.

Today, reportedly, none of the news employees are dressed in costumes, other than the thrift-store shabby outfits that constitute a newspaper reporter’s daily attire. I agree with keeping an air of professionalism, particularly in a setting where professionalism is a rapidly decreasing commodity.

Happy Halloween to you and yours. I hope at this hectic time of year, with all the hustle, not to mention bustle, that we can all take a moment to reflect on the true meaning of the season, which is Lucifer.

Sister Helen (documentary)

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The key to making a documentary that will appeal to mainstream viewers is to tell a good story. Maybe this sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised how many documentarians seem to think their only job is to regurgitate a bunch of fly-on-the-wall footage and call it a day.

“Sister Helen” tells a story. If it weren’t 100 percent true, it would be perfectly acceptable as fiction. It has a beginning, middle and end, and the protagonist is a fiery, larger-than-life character. Real life, it turns out, CAN be interesting.

Sister Helen is a former alcoholic who became a Benedictine nun after the deaths of her husband and sons. Now she runs a half-way house for recovering drug addicts and alcoholics in the South Bronx, operating on principles of tough love, strict curfews, random urine tests (she pronounces it “yur-EEN”) and a vocabulary far more colorful than Maria Von Trapp ever used.

Her favorite expression is a growling “Hello!,” as in, “When I tell you to piss, you piss! Hello!”

Yes indeed, Sister Helen is a character worth watching, and kudos to directors Rob Fruchtman and Rebecca Cammisa, for capturing it well.

There are eyebrow-raising moments with Robert, Helen’s right-hand man and himself a recovering addict. Robert disapproves of some of her methods, going so far as to attribute them to selfishness. Ashish, an Indian man who has been kicked out of Sister Helen’s place several times for falling off the wagon, gets royally chewed out by the angry nun — and then speaks of her in nothing but glowing terms. It’s tough love, but it is love indeed: When a resident fails a drug test, Helen lies awake all night worrying about it.

Helen’s own health is eventually more of a factor than she’d like it to be, and that’s where the film becomes more than just a documentary. It’s a real live MOVIE now, with people you care about facing crises. “Sister Helen” is entertaining and moving, and Sister Helen is a saint — potty mouth notwithstanding.

Radio

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“Radio” begins with the title character, a mentally retarded South Carolina man played by Cuba Gooding Jr., having the opportunity to be hit by a train. The train misses him. The film goes downhill from there.

I do not believe the individuals responsible for “Radio” actually attempted to make a good movie. I suppose one of them might have said, “Should we try to make a different or interesting or thoughtful or compelling movie?,” but everyone shouted him down, saying, “No, let’s just make a really generic one.” Then they all got in their Corollas, drove to their favorite Italian restaurant Olive Garden, went shopping at KMart, then went home to wrap up the evening watching “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

This is a movie that cannot accurately be said to have failed because it doesn’t seem to have tried anything. It doesn’t even make simple goals for itself. It only aims at getting Pavlovian responses from audiences too sleepy to realize they’re being manipulated: Touching Moment, music cue, cry; Underdog Victory, music cue, cry; Retarded Guy, music cue, cry.

It’s based on a true story, set in 1976 in Anderson, S.C., a town where high school sports, especially football, are all that matters. Radio, a man of indeterminate age and unknown dental origin, spends his days pushing a shopping cart around town and listening to a radio. It is because he likes the radio, in fact, that he gets his nickname. For this reason, I now wish to be known as Chocolate Pop-Tarts.

Anyway, sometimes he stands outside the fence while the football team is practicing, and one day when the coach isn’t looking, the team ties up Radio with masking tape, pushes him into a shed, and throws footballs at it from the outside. This seems like an odd form of punishment, since the shed is spacious and Radio is several feet away from the wall being thrown at, but it’s the best the team — led by the mildly rebellious Johnny Clay (Riley Smith) — can come up with.

The coach finds out, and boy is he ever mad. He is Harold Jones (Ed Harris), a good man, a decent man, the sort of man who loves his family and his job and his country and his pickup truck and his dog (I assume he has a dog). He does not cotton to his young charges tormenting local retarded men. He punishes them by making them run a lot (take note, boys: THAT’S a punishment) and invites Radio to help the team with practice.

Thus begins a montage reminiscent of Disney’s “Sports Goofy,” in which Radio/Goofy becomes entangled in all sorts of hilarious athletic predicaments, like having footballs hiked at his head and getting in the way of tackle dummies.

The team takes to Radio, slowly, as does the whole town. Soon he is something of a mascot for Anderson, S.C., in a rather creepy and condescending way, being given access to everything and everyone, and being forgiven for anything inappropriate or dangerous he does. Local parent Frank (Chris Mulkey) thinks Radio is a distraction from the team’s performance, but he’s put in his place. A new cop, unfamiliar with Radio’s permission to do whatever he damn well pleases within the city limits, hauls him in for being weird and vagrant on Christmas morning, but that cop gets his, too. Wo betide all who oppose Radio!

With the physical hijinks and outrageous teeth and nearly incoherent yammer speaking pattern, Radio is the funniest character Cuba Gooding Jr. has ever played. Sadly, the character was intended to be taken seriously. Playing a mentally handicapped person is hard work for an actor, and my hat’s off to Cuba for even trying it, but he screws it up royally, filling his performance with mannerisms and tics but no soul. He’s less embarrassing than I Am Sam, but light years from Rain Man.

Ed Harris is characteristically stoic and admirable as the coach, earnestly performing in what he must have known was going to be an unworthy film. Alfre Woodard plays the school principal, Debra Winger has a small role as the coach’s wife, and S. Epatha Merkerson (the lieutenant on “Law & Order”) plays Radio’s mom. They’re all fine.

The director is Michael Tollin, a TV producer who also directed Freddie Prinze Jr.’s “Summer Catch” (2001). But the writer is Mike Rich, whose “Finding Forrester” (2000) and “The Rookie” (2002) were decent films with approximately the same tone as this one. I don’t know where he went wrong. Maybe it’s time to try a different genre.

What we have here is a movie that is not claw-your-eyes-out bad, but not worth seeing, either. Is it uplifting? Sure, I guess, in a bland sort of way, like seeing a mediocre junior high school production of “The Miracle Worker.” “Radio” mostly just needs to be tuned out and forgotten.

The Singing Detective

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By the time Keith Gordon’s odd, extremely stylized remake of “The Singing Detective” gets around to its point, the audience is liable to be angry at it for dragging its feet so long, and for being so weird in the process. At least, that was my reaction, when I could muster any reaction beyond simple boredom.

“The Singing Detective,” based on a beloved 1986 miniseries, is about an author named Dan Dark (Robert Downey Jr.) who suffers from a debilitating skin disease that has rendered him even more hateful and misogynistic than he used to be. His books are about a singing detective who, in a surprising move, is Dark’s alter ego! And his fiction reflects his own feelings!

Downey’s performance is rather good, moving between rage and sadness without warning, and the makeup work on him is pretty impressive. Mel Gibson is interesting as a peculiar psychiatrist who examines Dark. So no, the performances are not the problem here.

It’s the style that does the film in. Dark hallucinates several musical numbers, generally of 1950s prototypical rock ‘n’ roll songs (already problematic, since the genre of the film is more detective noir, which is ’40s). These are not staged with any particular imagination or wit, nor do they have anything to do with the story or characters at hand. They seem almost 100 percent random, and they appear at random times.

Furthermore, the film is all about Dan Dark sorting through issues that we figure out long before he does. It is a slow-moving, uneventful detective story, mixed with the only slightly more compelling story of Dan Dark and his gross skin.

Scary Movie 3

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The Wayans Brothers’ “Scary Movie” (2000) was a good bit of outrageous, anarchic fun. Its sequel, a year later, was rushed, sloppy and underdone. The Wayanses bailed out of the third film in the pre-production stage, and the man who stepped in saved the franchise. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Zucker!

Zucker directed “Airplane!” (1980), “Top Secret!” (1984), and the first two “Naked Gun” movies, all masterpieces of sight gags, absurdist parody and fast-paced loopiness. The same mannerisms come through in “Scary Movie 3,” so much so that the film feels like an homage to the genre Zucker more or less invented. And compared to the coarseness of the ultra-raunchy first two films, the PG-13 humor of No. 3 seems downright old-fashioned.

Zucker reportedly did an uncredited touch-up to the screenplay, too, which was otherwise written by Craig Mazin and Pat Proft (himself a parody veteran, having co-written all five “Naked Gun” and “Hot Shots!” films).

Like its “Scary Movie” predecessors, it’s a merry spoof of recent films, this time including “The Ring,” “Signs,” “8 Mile,” “The Matrix Reloaded” and “The Others.” After a devilishly funny “Ring”-inspired prologue featuring Jenny McCarthy, Pamela Anderson, and Pamela Anderson’s cleavage, we are reintroduced to Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris), whom you’ve probably forgotten is the only character to appear in all three films so far. She’s a TV news reporter now, following a story about mysterious crop circles on a farm belonging to former priest Tom Logan (Charlie Sheen) and his brother, would-be rapper George (Simon Rex). She also has come into possession of a videotape rumored to kill all viewers seven days later. If you’ve seen the films in question, you get the idea.

Faris demonstrates a considerable flair for this sort of comedy, acting with just the right blend of deadpan and ditziness — the same qualities already proven effective by Leslie Nielsen. Nielsen himself appears here, too, as the president of the United States. He gets to utter one of my favorite lines, in reference to some hip-hop types who are killed by aliens: “These men died for their country. Send flowers to their b*****s and hos.”

Charlie Sheen, Simon Rex, Jeremy Piven, Anthony Anderson, Camryn Manheim and Regina Hall all perform gamely, too.

The film does suffer from a disease seemingly inherent to the genre, where some jokes fall flat, and some ideas are just bad to begin with. The appearance of a pedophile priest is not funny enough to justify its tastelessness, and the same could be said for a sequence where handicapped people are mistaken for aliens. And Michael Jackson jokes? Aren’t those old yet?

But it’s the sort of movie where if you don’t like the current gag, you need only wait a few seconds before the next one turns up. One moment someone’s making reference to “President Ford” as we see a painted portrait of Harrison Ford; the next, it seems, Camryn Manheim is being stuffed into a car that is far too small for her. The film is smart enough to keep things moving and to avoid belaboring any one gag. One of things I admire about Zucker’s best movies is that the jokes aren’t underlined. When Camryn Manheim is stuffed into that car, for example, it happens without comment or acknowledgment. And no one makes any mention at all of what President Harrison Ford’s policies were during his term of service.

The running time is 83 minutes, but the last nine of that is the credits, and 74 minutes is just about right for a slappy, goofy film that remembers how funny it is to see people getting hit in the head.

Beyond Borders

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There are three chapters in “Beyond Borders,” each with a different feel and a different approach to being boring.

This is a groundbreaking film, really. While most movies insist on having “plots,” this one boldly proceeds without one, flying in the face of convention. The effect is unnerving. You sit there for a good 45 minutes thinking, “OK, shouldn’t the story have started by now? Shouldn’t something be happening?” But it doesn’t, and it never does, and why did you ever decide to watch this dour, morose drama in the first place?

Angelina Jolie plays Sarah Jordan, an American living in London in 1984 with her husband, Henry Bauford (Linus Roache), son of a mighty humanitarian/philanthropist. Sarah is moved by maverick humanitarian Nick Callahan (Clive Owen), who is tired of charities like the Baufords’ collecting so much money but then spending so much of it on administrative expenses and such. Nick is a doctor who goes to the people in need, brings them food and medicine, gets his hands dirty, so to speak. Charities are mostly useless, he says.

So Sarah gets a hold of some money and heads to a camp in Ethiopia to help out, a Great White Hope with huge, frightening lips. Thus begins the portion of the film that resembles nothing so much as a Sally Struthers “please send money” commercial, especially insofar as there is not a plot to speak of.

Nick and Sarah, inevitably, begin to fall in love, but this is implied more than shown. Soon she’s heading back to London, and then it’s 1989 and she and Henry have a son. She gets involved with Nick’s group again, this time in the jungles of Cambodia, where we finally get a good bit of drama and suspense involving warlords, a baby and a grenade. Then it’s back to nothing happening anymore, except for more inevitable sexual tension between Nick and Sarah.

Then it’s 1995, and Chechnya is the place to be. Nick has gone missing, and Sarah has to find him. More sterile, passionless events occur, set against the fitting backdrop of cold, snowy Eastern Europe. There are, at last, a couple of nice surprises before the film trudges to an end.

Ironically, Martin Campbell has directed action films before, including “Vertical Limit,” “The Mask of Zorro” and “GoldenEye.” So he’s familiar with the idea of things happening. Why he chose to forsake not just outrageous action but even elemental, character-based action, is beyond me, though the script, by first-timer Caspian Tredwell-Owen, gives him little to work with.

Clive Owen is a compelling presence in any film, including this one. His character, a renegade do-gooder with a James Bond streak, has life to him; all he needs is a movie.

If there are still Angelina Jolie fans in the world, they will be pleased to know she comports herself well enough in “Beyond Borders.” She expresses what little emotion she is allowed to express, and very nearly conveys true humanity. She and Owen both seem stifled by the tamped-down, lifeless film they’re stuck in. Someone send them help, please.

Wonderland (2003)

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John Holmes, as if you didn’t know, was the star of more than 1,000 porn films in the 1970s. That someone who is not a woman can attain star status in the world of straight porn is pretty impressive by itself, and Holmes’, er, talents were apparently even more amazing. And by talents, I mean the size of his penis. (What else would I mean? His elocution?)

Anyway, “Wonderland” is sort of the story of John Holmes’ post-fame life, but it’s more accurately a garden-variety Hollywood saga of drugs and money that happens to be true and that happens to have involved John Holmes. His porn-stardom barely figures into it, except that we can assume that’s where he picked up his drug habits.

In 1981, four people were murdered on Wonderland Avenue in the Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles. They were all drug users and traders and thieves, and they were also acquaintances of Holmes’. His involvement in the murders, or lack of involvement, is the issue.

With a bit of “Rashomon”-style time-jumping and contradictory-story-telling, director James Cox (who co-wrote with three others) introduces us to a washed-up John Holmes (played by Val Kilmer). He’s estranged from his wife Sharon (Lisa Kudrow, doing solid dramatic work) and is cruising around Southern California with Dawn Schiller (Kate Bosworth), rescuing her from a fanatical Christian do-gooder and having sex with her in the do-gooder’s bathroom just for good measure. This is a classy guy we’re dealing with here.

Drugs are John’s thing now, and it’s a hobby he and Dawn can enjoy together. His lowlife associates include David Lind (Dylan McDermott), Ron Launius (Josh Lucas) and Billy Deverell (Tim Blake Nelson), all more or less the same guys, as far as I can tell, except that Billy is the one who actually owns the Wonderland home where the murders ultimately occur. John wants to help the gang acquire some capital via stealing it, but he’s pretty unreliable when it comes to, well, doing anything, so he’s a source of frustration to the group. This leads to a number of scenes featuring sweaty, disheveled men arguing about and using drugs. The depression is palpable; rarely has L.A. looked so ugly, brown and unglamorous.

John does manage to set up a robbery; alas, the victim is high-level lowlife Eddie Nash (Eric Bogosian), who is not happy to have been robbed. And so there’s trouble.

This is tepid stuff here. It has a hint of character drama, and Cox is good at evoking time and place, but mostly it just wallows in the seediness of the world of drugs. Holmes is hardly a former star who’s angry at how life has treated him; he’s really just a guy who likes drugs. As such, he’s barely discernible from the countless other characters in other movies who also like drugs (or, for that matter, from the other characters in this movie who like drugs). Kilmer’s persona is strong, and he brings a certain energy to the screen, but he does nothing to make John Holmes any more interesting than the dope addict of the week on “NYPD Blue.”

Elephant

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I’ve heard God’s omniscience explained in this manner: Suppose all of time were laid out in a line so that everything was visible all at once. The explanation goes that God sees it that way, viewing every human being’s past, present and future all in one glance, not limited by chronology or point of view.

Gus Van Sant’s chilling, devastating “Elephant” manipulates time the same way, or at least the analogy is the best one I can come up with to explain how the film feels. We see the same several minutes repeated from different people’s perspectives as time overlaps and intersects itself, all leading up to another several minutes that are dealt with the same way. When it is done, we get the sensation of having glimpsed God’s “big picture” view of the world, of seeing everything all at once rather than one moment at a time, one point of view at a time.

It is a fictional film, but it is based on the 1999 Columbine shootings. I suspect Van Sant did not make a film dramatizing that tragedy specifically because he wanted his story to have more universal appeal, and because he wanted it to be as free as possible from the politics inherent in recreating an actual event. He made the right decision, I’m sure. Had he dramatized the real Columbine, with actors playing real people, the drama of the film would have drowned in a sea of debate over fairness and historical accuracy.

So “Elephant” is set at an Oregon high school, almost exclusively on the morning that will end with two boys walking into the library and opening fire. The only scenes not taking place at, or on the way to, school are the ones featuring the two killers, Alex (Alex Frost) and Eric (Eric Deulen). Their scenes are set at Alex’s house, and they are not directly attached to the school scenes: Some are flashbacks to days earlier, some obviously occurred this morning. The killers are thus set apart from their student counterparts, made to exist almost in a separate reality. Eric, in fact, is never seen among his classmates until he begins shooting them.

Van Sant has gone to extraordinary measures to achieve authenticity, and it is the film’s number one virtue. He cast real high school students — non-professionals and mostly non-actors — in all the major roles, and allowed them to improvise somewhat, so the acting feels completely natural. They look and talk like the ordinary high school students they are, which would have come off extremely dull if they weren’t filmed so artfully, and directed so skillfully, and placed in a movie being told with such an eye for emotional realism.

There is little cutting within scenes; mostly the camera simply follows the subjects around like an impartial observer, even if they are doing nothing more interesting than walking down a hallway. And for the most part, that’s what the students are doing: walking down hallways, chatting with friends, gossiping about each other, being late to class. Quiet underclassman John (John Robinson) is worried about his dad’s alcoholism and is the first student to spot Alex and Eric entering the schoolyard. Nathan (Nathan Tyson), a jock, turns a few girls’ heads on his way to meet up with his girlfriend, Carrie (Carrie Finklea), whom he invites on an outing later that day. Elias (Elias McConnell), a budding photographer, asks students to pose for him, then develops the shots in the school’s dark room.

And so on. In setting the stage for the horror that will occur, Van Sant achieves maximum suspense by not setting anything up. It’s an utterly normal day, interesting to watch simply BECAUSE it’s so normal, so much like days we’ve had ourselves but that we seldom see recreated so vividly.

Van Sant does occasionally fall victim to his own genius, as when he includes a lengthy, LENGTHY shot of a darkening, stormy sky for about 20 seconds longer than he needs to. It is pretentious moments like that when we realize how risky the whole endeavor was to begin with, and how well Van Sant has pulled it off generally.

I must also take issue with two details about Alex and Eric’s lives: that they play so-called “first-person shooter” video games, and that they sit in rapt attention while a Hitler documentary is on television. I don’t doubt that some killers do, and perhaps even the Columbine ones did, play violent games and fancy themselves neo-Nazis. But to simply drop those details into the film without exploring whether they are causes of the boys’ urges, effects of them, or unrelated altogether, is irresponsible. It would seem Van Sant is suggesting they are causes, which would be a lame oversimplification.

With most of the film spent establishing the students and their ordinary, likable personalities, the horror we feel when they start becoming victims is gut-wrenching. I am reminded of slasher films, where most characters are presented as loathsome or stupid in order to make their subsequent deaths palatable, even entertaining. Here, the opposite is done. Every character is made sympathetic simply by being real, by being himself, by being human. This includes, startlingly, Alex and Eric. No attempt is made to have some characters more “deserving” of injury because they are “bad guys”; there are no heroes, turncoats or villains. There are only people. This is one of the most haunting, compelling films of the year.

Sylvia

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Sylvia Plath fans, unite! A film has been made celebrating her depression! And due to sanctions made by her family, none of her actual poetry is used in the film! So it’s a movie about a creative type who’s really sad! Imagine the joy in watching it.

In truth, though the film, directed by Christine Jeffs, is technically proficient and features a perfectly good performance by Gwyneth Paltrow, I cannot imagine enduring it again. The entire point seems to be: She sure was sad. Boy, look how sad she was. She must be bipolar or manic depressive or something. Sad, sad, sad. Oh, and then she killed herself. Sad, sad, sad.

Unless you are a devotee of Ms. Plath’s, the film will hold little interest for you. It begins with her at Cambridge in 1956, an American girl on a Fulbright scholarship. After her poetry is excoriated in the campus literary journal, she meets the critic, a fellow poet named Ted Hughes (Daniel Craig). They fall in love and are married, and he, with his sonorous voice and rugged good looks, becomes a fan favorite while she is saddled with domestic chores and finds it difficult to create new poetry herself.

Ted’s success — both with critics and with female fans, who swoon over him at readings — caused Sylvia to be consumed with jealousy, a passion which contributes to her destruction. But it, like all of Plath’s emotions, is presented as a matter of fact, and not as part of a character study. Jeffs’ direction of John Brownlow’s screenplay merely retells Plath’s life without insight or commentary, caught once again in the biopic trap of assuming a person’s life is interesting simply because 1) it’s true and 2) the filmmaker happens to really, really like the subject.

Take this as a litmus test: Going in, I knew very little about Sylvia Plath. Coming out, I knew her basic biography, along with dates and events, but little about her as a person. And more to the point, I still didn’t care.

Runaway Jury

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“Runaway Jury” is the eighth movie to be based on a John Grisham novel, and it’s all been done since 1993, when “The Firm” came out. I’d wager that in the ensuing decade, only Shakespeare has been adapted for the big screen more often.

So there they are, side by side. Shakespeare and Grisham, Hollywood’s go-to guys when you need pulpy, easily adapted material. “Runaway Jury” is not a particularly good movie, though, and unlike most Shakespeare-based films, I haven’t read the source material involved here, so I don’t know if the badness was inherent or if it was introduced in the adaptation process.

I do know that while the book was about a tobacco company being sued for millions as various forces pulled the strings on the jury, the movie has changed it so a gun manufacturer is on trial instead. I don’t know why the change was made, but it seems wrong-headed. A vast majority of Americans will concur that tobacco is bad and serves no useful purpose in our society, and therefore won’t be upset if the plot seems outrageously anti-tobacco. The numbers are a lot more evenly split on guns, though, which means if you make a film that is deliriously anti-gun — like this one is — you’re bound to put some viewers off. Heck, I’m anti-gun, and I thought, “Wow, this film sure is anti-gun.” Do the filmmakers really think matters of gun control are as one-sided as matters of cigarettes? Can Hollywood be as out of touch with America as the ultra-conservatives like to say it is? Hollywood vs. the ultra-conservatives: Who do you root for in THAT battle?

At any rate, it is a gun maker on trial, two years after a disgruntled employee walked into a stock broker’s office and wiped out several co-workers. The widow of one of the victims is suing, represented by down-home (but classy) New Orleans lawyer Wendell Rohr (Dustin Hoffman). His opponent, representing the gunmaker, is Durwood Cable (Bruce Davison), but that’s irrelevant: His REAL opposition is Rankin Fitch (Gene Hackman), the “jury consultant” Cable has hired to assist in stacking the deck against the plaintiffs before the trial even begins.

Rohr is baffled, even amused, by the idea of jury consultants, but agrees to let an eager young one named Lawrence Green (Jeremy Piven) be his. And thus begin the games. Fitch, paid millions by the evil, evil defense to ensure a victory, finds all the dirt he can on the potential jurors, weeding out the ones he fears he can’t manipulate or blackmail. It’s all Green can do to keep up.

But then there’s a wild card. Nicholas Easter (John Cusack) has been assigned jury duty and is unable to get out of it. Somehow, he makes it onto the jury. And then he’s behaving strangely, coordinating events so the judge is buying the jury lunch, instigating disqualifications among his co-jurors, that sort of thing.

There is also a mysterious woman named Marlee (Rachel Weisz) who calls both sides and declares she can turn the jury either way, depending on which lawyer pays her the most money.

The problem with all these forces working to determine the trial’s outcome is similar to my previous Hollywood vs. ultra-conservatives dilemma: We don’t feel like rooting for any of them. Hackman is delightful to watch, as always — this is one of the world’s most reliable, consistent actors at work — but his character is slime. Hoffman’s lawyer is more likable, but I can’t tell you a single thing about his personality; he’s a cipher. (Hoffman and Hackman, in their first film together, have one chewy scene of verbal sparring that takes place in a restroom. For a minute, you forget how average the movie is, because these two actors rise above it.) Juror Nicholas Easter? Likable, of course, since he’s played by John Cusack. But we don’t know which side he wants to win, or why he’s doing the odd things he’s doing, for most of the film. Ditto the mysterious Marlee.

How can we choose a hero to cheer for when we don’t know who the potential heroes are or what they want? The film, competently directed by Gary Fleder (“Don’t Say a Word”), is full of intrigue and all, but has nothing to back it up. To borrow a phrase from Hollywood’s other favorite writer, it’s much ado about nothing.

Veronica Guerin

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People who aren’t journalists sometimes wonder what motivates the people who are. It’s not the money, clearly; you can tell from the way newspaper reporters dress that they don’t make much. It’s not fame, which usually eludes your average reporter, except when he or she misbehaves and achieves infamy instead. So what is it?

“Veronica Guerin” has ample opportunities to address this issue, but neglects them. The real Veronica Guerin, played here with panache and grit by the fantastic Cate Blanchett, was murdered in 1996 by the drug kingpins she was investigating for the Dublin Independent. She knew her story was dangerous, but she proceeded anyway. Why? I don’t know. If the movie knows, it has chosen not to tell us.

Why would you make a biopic about someone that showed only her actions, without attempting to show us what drove her to them? Again, I don’t know.

But Joel Schumacher, that unpredictable and often laudable director of everything from “St. Elmo’s Fire” to “Batman & Robin,” has done just that, leading Blanchett to a firecracker performance in a movie that is mere piffle.

The details of Veronica’s investigation, her dogged determination to bring all the facts to light, her descent into many dangerous situations in Dublin’s underworld — all of this makes for a mildly interesting drama, as far as it goes. But it only goes so far, and it relies on that oldest of clichés: the criminal mastermind who discusses all his nefarious doings in front of his girlfriend. Even a bad journalist could have given you pointers on how to write that plot element differently.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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And it came to pass that “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” begat “Halloween,” which begat “Friday the 13th,” which begat “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” and they all begat “Scream” and the subsequent age-of-irony slasher films that were afraid to take themselves seriously because they knew they were targeting an audience that had seen it all before.

The saving grace of the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is that it is not a descendant of the just-mentioned films. It is not set in 2003; it is set in 1973, before any of those movies — including the one it’s a remake of — existed. The characters are not expected to know the “rules” (never say “I’ll be right back,” never split up, never run into an abandoned slaughterhouse at night), because they haven’t seen all the movies we have. Subconsciously, we cut them some slack. We stop fretting over how stupid they are and start being scared right along with them.

Directed by music-video director Marcus Nispel and written by first-timer Scott Kosar, “Massacre” is exceedingly gruesome and occasionally very frightening as it follows a quintet of teens through the backroads of Texas, on their way to Dallas for a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. They are led by a fellow with the unlikely name of Kemper (Eric Balfour) and his girlfriend Erin (Jessica Biel). In the back seat are the horny couple, Andy (Mike Vogel) and Pepper (Erica Leerhsen), and the obligatory fifth wheel Morgan (Jonathan Tucker). The teens are one-dimensional, but not laughable, which is already a step above most of these films, where the kids are so irritating you WANT them to die.

They encounter a woman on the side of the road who has been traumatized to the point of catatonia. She serves as the film’s “You’re all doomed!” character, but she is more tragic than most, setting an ominous tone that permeates the rest of the movie. Soon the kids must deal with her and with the local sheriff (R. Lee Ermey), a man who can only be described as loathsome, in the long tradition of horror-movie characters who can only be described as loathsome. And, of course, there’s Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski), a deformed man with a chainsaw and no conscience who resides in an old house with his considerably deranged family. The film might be breaking out of the mold a little, but there’s still no way all the teens are surviving the night.

While there is some of the goofiness we’ve come to expect in slasher flicks — a buck-toothed, Gollum-like little boy, for example, and a cantankerous old man in a wheelchair — it mostly avoids the pitfalls and delivers what it sets out to do, building to an effectively nightmarish and well-choreographed climax.

But then there is the matter of the violence, which cannot be overlooked. Certain characters are made to endure unbelievable levels of pain and torture, and watching it is more disgusting than terrifying. That’s one lesson this remake hasn’t learned from its teen-horror predecessors: Bloody isn’t the same thing as scary. It’s got the atmosphere and the tone to a T. Lay off the abuse, and you’ve got yourself a movie.

Pieces of April

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How many films dedicate themselves to showing the true spirit of Thanksgiving? Usually Christmas gets all the press when it comes to true-spirit-showing, and Thanksgiving is seen merely as a harbinger, a lesser holiday whose arrival indicates the coming of a bigger, better one.

“Pieces of April” is all about Thanksgiving, though, and it’s all about it in a loving, funny and genuinely poignant way. The story is unfolded so carefully and subtly that the sensitivity of it all sneaks up on you: You thought you were watching a low-key comedy about Turkey Day mishaps, but really it was a family drama all along.

April Burns (Katie Holmes) is a young woman, maybe 20 years old, who has ditched her family in Pennsylvania and moved to New York City. She does not seem to have had aspirations to theater or music; rather, she seems only to have wanted to get away from her mother, Joy (Patricia Clarkson), with whom she has never gotten along. She now lives in a dreadful apartment with her boyfriend Bobby (Derek Luke) and has, for reasons she does not explain and perhaps doesn’t even know, invited her family up for Thanksgiving dinner, which she will prepare.

Back at home, we meet the family as they search for Mom, who is already sitting in the car, waiting to go. April’s sister Beth (Alison Pill), the “good one,” doesn’t think April is worthy of such a long drive. Brother Timmy (John Gallagher), a teenager and amateur photographer, is non-committal. Dad, Jim (Oliver Platt), wants the family to be together, particularly because, as he notes to Timmy, this may be their last Thanksgiving together. Joy is dying. Adding to her anguish, she can’t recall any fond memories of her oldest child, the wayward April.

Oh, but I’ve deceived you with all that. This is not a weepy melodrama. This is a comedy meal with dramatic garnish. Joy, named that way for a reason, jokes about her illness, and the film doesn’t want to depress us with thoughts of mortality. It wants us to revel in family togetherness, the way its characters secretly yearn to.

April’s oven stops working, leaving her to find a sympathetic neighbor who will lend her his, which leads to much frantic running from one apartment to another, transporting a partially baked turkey. Boyfriend Bobby, meanwhile, is out taking care of some business; in the film’s only serious mistake, it wastes this character, introducing him just so it can immediately get him out of the way for the duration. His backstory of being a reformed drug dealer is plausible, but irrelevant.

Peter Hedges, who wrote “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” (the book and the movie) and “About a Boy” (just the movie), makes a strong directorial debut, filming a screenplay he wrote from scratch. He’s an excellent storyteller, refusing to lay out all the cards at the beginning, revealing things to us methodically and ingeniously. So masterful is he in telling the story that we barely realize there IS one until it’s all over and we look at the finished product.

The acting is nearly all realistic and natural, accenting the film’s every-day humor and drama. (Shooting with hand-held digital video cameras adds to the authenticity.) Katie Holmes delivers what may be her best performance yet — though I admit I never saw her in “Dawson’s Creek” — perfectly conveying the mix of rebellious daughter and vulnerable child. Her siblings are good, Oliver Platt is supportive, and Patricia Clarkson continues her streak of winning performances in independent films, acting here with marvelous grace and grit. I also liked the warm performances by Lillias White and Isiah Whitlock Jr. as Evette and Eugene, an African-American couple who take pity on April and teach her how to REALLY cook Thanksgiving dinner.

The only bad casting is Sean Hayes as a mildly helpful neighbor. In a film full of realism, his odd performance is badly out of place.

So what’s it all about? The film reminds us that the first Thanksgiving was in the spirit of friends and strangers coming together to help one another, and Hedges does not belabor the point that April’s Thanksgiving has come to be in much the same way.

There’s also the modern interpretation of Thanksgiving, in which family togetherness is the important thing, regardless of how you feel about them the rest of the year. Your family is, after all, your family. Especially on Thanksgiving. What a pleasant and touching little movie this is.

Mystic River

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It’s fitting that Clint Eastwood’s somber, elegiac “Mystic River” is as quiet as it is, being replete with characters who cannot communicate.

This is literal in some cases, as with young Silent Ray, who is mute, and with the estranged wife of a police detective who calls her husband every day but refuses to say anything. But even among the characters who can and do speak, their communication is limited. The male characters, all manly to the core, don’t say how they feel, of course, and their women are afraid to. The character list is a roster of souls whose wounds have caused them to draw inward.

Based on Dennis Lehane’s novel and adapted by Brian Helgeland (“A Knight’s Tale,” “Blood Work”), “Mystic River” examines grief in its various forms: the grief of a father for his dead daughter, the grief of a damaged man for his lost childhood, the grief of a young Romeo for his Juliet. It does this within the framework of a murder mystery, though it expands beyond the confines of that genre into something more deep and compelling.

In Boston live three men who used to be friends. Sean (Kevin Bacon) is a state police detective whose wife walked out on him. Jimmy (Sean Penn), brash and DeNiro-esque, owns a corner grocery store and is leader of a gang of low-level goons. Dave (Tim Robbins) is on the verge of a breakdown, unable to maintain normalcy after his traumatic childhood. When the three were friends in this very neighborhood, Dave was kidnapped and molested. Jimmy and Sean did not get in the strangers’ car; only by that stroke of luck did they escape Dave’s fate.

They live separate lives now, but their paths cross occasionally. Jimmy and Dave’s wives are cousins. When Dave sees Jimmy’s daughter Katie (Emmy Rossum) in a bar one Saturday night, he recognizes her. Later that night, she is killed. Dave comes home with blood on him. He tells his wife (Marcia Gay Harden) he fought off a mugger. She is terrified to believe him, but terrified not to believe him. Sean is lead detective on Katie’s murder, and thus the three friends’ lives intersect again.

The film is full of gritty, unromanticized emotion as each character faces his demons, occasionally losing to them. Sean Penn’s performance as the thuggish Jimmy is fascinating, and if Tim Robbins occasionally goes a bit too far as the tortured Dave, it doesn’t detract from the overall impact. Kevin Bacon doesn’t have as much emotional material to work with, but his performance is solid.

I don’t think the film answers all its questions satisfactorily. Dave is only given one line to explain why he did whatever it is he did (I’m not tellin’), and it’s not enough to give his character the poignancy he deserves. The motivations behind the central tragedy are also given the short shrift.

Yet the film never stops being compelling. As a murder mystery, it is passable; the interrogations and clue-finding occur about the way they normally do in these movies. But as an emotional rumination on death and its aftermath — the real point, after all, not the murder thing — it is gripping.

Girls Will be Girls

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“Girls Will be Girls” plays out like a shticky, vulgar sitcom in which the featured characters are bitchy stereotypes. One of them says, “I know my looks are starting to go,” and another one replies, “Honey, your looks are home and in bed.” That’s about how it goes.

The gimmick is that all three female leads are played by men, in rather astoundingly good get-ups. (I honestly thought the main character, Evie, was a woman until I read the cast list.) It’s full drag campiness, performed by acid-tongued vixens who, alas, have only one joke in them: Hollywood bitches are funny!

Evie (Jack Plotnick) is an aging B-list actress who drinks like a fish and will have sex with any man she can get her hands on. Her roommate, Coco (Clinton Leupp), bears the brunt of Evie’s verbal abuse, but she is oblivious. She only wants to have a baby, and to reconnect with the handsome doctor who performed her abortion so many years ago.

Their lives are disrupted when Varla (Jeffery Roberson) gets off the bus from the Midwest, seeking stardom. She somehow comes to live with Evie and Coco, and Evie is instantly jealous of her potential success. Catty conniving commences from there.

The cartoon-colorful sets are a visual treat, and match well the film’s attitude, which is two-dimensional at the most. The jokes are almost vaudevillian: There’s a set-up, then a punch line. Varla asks if people are still “discovered” in a certain L.A. spot, and Evie replies, “Yes, but mostly in the men’s room, by undercover cops.”

There is also a truly hilarious scene from “Asteroid,” a bad disaster movie Evie once appeared in but for which she could not seem to learn her lines.

Aside from that and a few scattered chuckles, the film is intent on playing its one note over and over again. It seems like nothing more than one episode of a sitcom — fine if there are 22 episodes a year, but if this is the only one, shouldn’t it be better?

Kill Bill: Vol. 1

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Quentin Tarantino’s love of movies is exceeded only by his love of violence. “Kill Bill: Vol. 1” is a tribute to both his true loves, wedded together in an indulgent, outlandish, and thoroughly entertaining ballet of blood.

Inspired by, and following in the tradition of, the martial arts B movies of the 1970s, “Kill Bill” is about revenge. One could say it “examines” the subject, but it would be more accurate to say it throws the subject up in the air and shoots at it while turning pirouettes. Where Tarantino’s previous films, especially “Pulp Fiction,” were about intriguing stories, this one is all about style, not substance.

But, oh! What style! Tarantino lets the blood gush forth so freely that it’s hard to look at it as any more appalling than a cartoon. The fighting is exquisitely choreographed and expertly shot, and the plotlines are juicy and familiar to anyone who ever spent a Saturday afternoon watching an old, badly dubbed kung fu flick on a local TV station.

The story is of a woman known only as The Bride (Uma Thurman) who awakens after a four-year coma and sets off to hunt down the people who put her there. She was part of a team called the Deadly Viper Assassination squad, led by the titular Bill (David Carradine); for reasons we are not immediately given, her teammates shot her — and her unborn baby — on her wedding day. And so The Bride carefully tracks down each perpetrator to exact her revenge.

There’s Vernita Green (Vivica A. Fox) who is now a stay-at-home mom in suburbia. There’s Elle Driver (Daryl Hannah), a one-eyed blonde who sought to finish The Bride off while she was comatose, only to be dissuaded by Bill, who considered such an act cowardly. And there’s O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu), leader of the Japanese yakuza and flanked by enough bodyguards and assassins to take care of one vengeful would-be victim (or so you’d think).

What makes it all better than a retread of old movie styles ought to be is Tarantino’s uniquely enthusiastic creative vision. His wit and pop-cultural genius are in ample evidence, and his knack for storytelling — even when storytelling is of secondary importance — is clear. He knows his way around a good line of dialogue. He knows when to use music, and when to let the soundtrack remain silent. He knows when to jump around in time, and when to tell a story linearly. He knows when to insert an anime sequence giving a character’s backstory, and when that anime sequence should contain young girls murdering men with samurai swords. (Answer: always.) In short, he knows how to slap together a damn enjoyable chunk of bombast.

Uma Thurman is a radiant beauty, and a force to be reckoned with as she wades through the labyrinth of this film, dishing out and taking in large helpings of physical abuse. She and her co-stars constitute a bevy of butt-kicking poster children for grrl power, and if “Kill Bill” doesn’t actually do anything for the feminist movement, it certainly tricks you into having a good time while it pretends to.

Intolerable Cruelty

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Though “Intolerable Cruelty” is set in the present day, its roots are in the screwball farces of the 1930s and ’40s. It maintains a safe distance from the inner emotions of its characters (a Coen Bros. constant), puts comedy at center stage, and perpetrates such whimsy, such loopy wordplay, such manifest absurdity, that one is liable afterward to forget everything about it, except that it made one laugh.

Perhaps the film’s modern setting is part of the joke. It is, after all, only the second film by writer/director brothers Joel and Ethan Coen NOT to be set at least a few years in the past (“Raising Arizona” being the other one), and yet it seems to belong there. Instead of doing a period piece, like usual, they’ve done an homage.

Or maybe it had to be set in 2003. The cavalier attitudes toward marriage and divorce exhibited by the central characters would have seemed out of place in 1940s society. Only in the 21st century could a character work to get his philandering, unfaithful client 100 percent of the assets in his divorce settlement without being viewed as a jackal by his fellow citizens.

George Clooney is that jackal, divorce attorney Miles Massey. He’s legendary in the business. He drafted a pre-nuptial agreement so ironclad that law schools now teach it to their students. When a client tells him, “My wife has me between a rock and a hard place,” he replies, “That’s her job. You should respect that.” And then he gets his client out from between the rock and the hard place and leaves the wife with nothing. He does this a lot.

But success has made Massey complacent. He wants a challenge. Then he meets Marylin Rexroth (Catherine Zeta-Jones), the wife of the aforementioned philandering husband, Rex Rexroth (Edward Herrmann), caught on tape by devoted private investigator Gus Petch (Cedric the Entertainer). Massey is Rex’s attorney, and as such must protect his interests and assets. But it won’t be easy: Marylin, it seems, does this sort of thing for a living. She loves wealthy men, and loves to take everything when she divorces them. She never loses, but neither does Massey. One of them is bound for disappointment.

Thus begins a plot that is pure romantic-comedy, but marked by dialogue (which the Coens co-wrote with “Big Trouble” screenwriters Robert Ramsey and Matthew Stone) that is pure screwball. There is “Who’s on First?”-style banter, accompanied by highly literate lines spoken even by characters you wouldn’t expect to be so literate. (As is often the case with the Coens, even the characters who only have one or two lines are as quirky and memorable as the leads.)

George Clooney loves to be a clown, and his enthusiasm here is contagious. He can stare down a witness with great severity, then shoot the judge a lightning-quick smarmy smile, all with perfectly fluidity and enviable comic timing.

He is well-partnered with Catherine Zeta-Jones, all elegance and conniving beauty, and no stranger to playing devilish women (“Chicago,” anyone?). She is a soft balance to Clooney’s buffoonery.

Billy Bob Thornton also has some priceless moments as Marylin’s post-divorce sucker, and Richard Jenkins — the dead dad on “Six Feet Under” — gives marvelous befuddlement as her attorney. (He is especially fond of shouting “Objection!” in court without first coming up with the grounds for one.) And let’s not forget Geoffrey Rush, a TV producer whose cheating wife had the good fortune to hire Miles Massey as her divorce attorney….

As funny as the film is, it is not a classic. It will be funny with a few more viewings, and a few years from now, it will fun to catch 30 minutes of it here and there when it plays endlessly on Comedy Central or somewhere. It doesn’t have the sheer creative brilliance of “O Brother Where Art Thou?,” for example, or the mad lunacy of “Raising Arizona,” to name two of the Coens’ other great films. But it’s nice for now, and it has the funniest death of the year. Watch and see if you don’t agree with me.

Day of Defense

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As the single worst Mormon-themed movie so far — a record that I hope stands for a long time — “Day of Defense” should be considered an embarrassment not just to members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but to film-goers in general. In fact, even non-film-goers — even obscure humans who have never set foot in a movie theater — ought to be dismayed that a movie of this caliber was created by their fellow man. A national day of mourning ought to be set aside, and then there ought to be mass suicides.

Sorry, I go a little too far in my hyperbole sometimes. But the movie is bad. Based on an unworkable premise, written with an irredeemably bad ear for dialogue, enacted by seemingly untalented performers, and shot in many too-dark rooms on cheap-looking digital video, this is a film of astounding badness. It is jaw-droppingly, paralyzingly, laughably bad. It ranks not just as the worst Mormon film ever, but as one of the two or three worst films I’ve seen all year. And I saw “From Justin to Kelly”!

It is based on a book by A. Melvin McDonald that uses a courtroom setting to present a series of basic arguments and refutations regarding LDS doctrine. Someone says, “Well, what about THIS apparent contradiction,” and the Mormon replies, “It can be explained THIS way,” and so on, eventually “proving” the LDS Church is true. Missionaries like it because it helps them with the sort of discussions they get involved in on a daily basis.

Well, someone decided to expand this plot-free book into a movie. This meant either continuing to exist without a plot, or coming up with one. The problem is, how do you arrange to have two Mormon missionaries on the stand in a United States courtroom, charged, essentially, with believing a religion whose doctrines are false? In real life, in the real United States, such a trial could not occur, as there is no such thing as a doctrine so untrue that it is against the law to believe it. The book is fine as a rhetorical exercise, but to try to work it into a story set in modern-day America? Impossible.

Yet the film tries to do just that, putting two missionaries — stubborn, road-weary Elder Burke (John Foss) and young, inexperienced Elder Davis (Allan Groves) — in a little picket-fenced town called Marysville. To proselytize here requires a license, and to get a license, you have to prove to the Christian Town Council — a Legion of Doom-style board consisting of ministers from the five accepted local religions, dressed at all times in their preaching costumes — that you represent a Christian faith. (Heaven help the Jew in Marysville!) The CTC says Mormons aren’t Christians; hence, no license, and the missionaries have to get out of town.

But not so fast. The town judge, a woman who I believe may be an android, thinks it would be interesting to run a test case on the CTC’s rules. (She’s only been judge there a month, and already the locals don’t cotton to her way of doing things.) JudgeBot instructs the district attorney, James Radner (Brooks Utley), to prosecute the missionaries, and public defender Thomas Bryant (Andrew Lenz) to defend them — not on charges of preaching without a license, mind you, but of not being Christian.

Somehow, Radner and Bryant — lifelong friends whose families have dinner together each week — made it through law school and passed the bar exam without ever realizing that being non-Christian is not against the law in the United States. At no point in this film is the First Amendment invoked, mentioned or referred to.

So you can see how already I am having trouble with the movie, when I can’t even accept its basic premise as being remotely plausible. In a backwoods town 50 years ago? Maybe. MAYBE. But in 2003 in a town that, albeit small, has cops, a judge, indoor plumbing and what appears to be a normal level of sophistication and intelligence among its townspeople? No. This trial simply couldn’t happen in the real world. (Oh, I forgot to mention: This is a JURY trial, too, composed of locals, even though it’s well-established that the locals hate Mormons, making them the least impartial jury in recent memory.)

So somehow, the trial happens. Radner lets the town’s pastors and ministers grill the missionaries for a day, except the missionaries aren’t really allowed to defend themselves, making the film’s title a bit of a misnomer. They just have to listen while the prosecution cites one scripture after another to demonstrate that Mormon doctrine is false. Elder Davis puts on his defeated, uncomfortable face, while Elder Burke remains stoic. They then have a week to prepare their defense. I don’t know why a lawyer is even necessary; Bryant is certainly no use assisting them in the organization and explanation of their beliefs, since he thinks Mormons are as wrong as everyone else in town does.

So the film’s plugging away, slowly and dully. The acting is uniformly flat and unconvincing, with many awkward, silent pauses in the dialogue. A lot of Peter Breinholt songs play on the soundtrack while the missionaries and Bryant talk and try to convert each other. The elders try to ingratiate themselves among the townspeople, who throw rocks at them. (Where is this strange, magical American town where EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN is THIS passionate about religion?) A local tramp (Lillith Fields) commits vague, unsexy acts of flirtation with Elder Davis. It is all tedious and poorly acted and awful, and you think it can’t get any worse.

And then — and this is really something special, some kind of hell-spawned miracle — somehow, the film GETS WORSE! Yes! A major plot event occurs that causes the bottom to drop out altogether, quality-wise. I won’t spoil it for you*, but suffice it to say that it’s really, really funny and isn’t supposed to be. At that point, the film abandons all hope of salvaging itself. It is lost forever to the realm of bad filmmaking. We loved it, we tried to help it, but it had its free agency, and it chose darkness.

What amuses me most about “Day of Defense,” which was directed by first-timer Adam Lawson, is that, despite being made by LDS people about LDS missionaries, it exhibits an alarming lack of knowledge of how LDS missionaries work. Missionaries haven’t been in Marysville in a while, yet the elders already have an apartment there, waiting for them. (Evidently the mission has been paying rent on an empty flat all this time.) And there’s no local LDS ward or branch, which means the elders wouldn’t have been sent there anyway: They’d have been sent to wherever the nearest congregation was and simply included Marysville in their working area. (Maybe they’re living in Marysville but covering a neighboring town, too, where the local ward is. But in that case, they’d need a car, or at least bikes, and they have neither.) And how did the mission office not know about Marysville’s anti-preaching law? They’re paying for an apartment in a town that won’t even let their elders pound the pavement? Those are some seriously wasted tithing dollars, my friends.

Where the film seems to be heading is to convince us the LDS Church’s doctrines are true doctrines of God. You expect it to end with the jury being converted and baptized, or the CTC bursting into flames, or something like that. Such a preachy outcome would have been heavy-handed, true, but at least then the movie would have had a point, serving as the celluloid version of a Mormon missionary pamphlet. Instead, it ends ambiguously, with a resolution that makes you think, “Well, what fetch was the point, then?” At least that’s what I thought, though my exact words might have been slightly stronger.

I don’t believe there is a single event in this film that is plausible, likely or even possible. It exists on some other plane, an entirely different reality from the one we know, where the laws of the United States are meaningless, where LDS missions are governed entirely differently, and where no one notices the quaintness of Mormon actors doing a poor job acting in a film where all they have to do is act like non-Mormons.


[ *SPOILER: Here is the hilarious plot twist mentioned in the review:
The lawyer who’s helping the missionaries prepare their case becomes very, very involved, totally wrapped up in his work. He has a young daughter with whom he had promised to go on a fishing trip (or something; my memory is fuzzy), but he cancels at the last minute in favor of helping the missionaries instead. His daughter is angry and upset and chases him out the door. As he starts to drive away, she chases after him, and then he accidentally runs her over and kills her. Ta-da! ]

The House of the Dead

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“The House of the Dead” is the sort of delightfully bad teen splatter flick that exists without any excuse in the world. It is a rip-off of countless previous slasher films, and of every known zombie movie, but I can’t imagine the filmmakers would be surprised or offended if you pointed that out to them.

I think people who make movies like this do so in the same spirit that boys play sandlot baseball: They enjoy seeing the professionals do it, so they try it themselves. A lot of young filmmakers have grown up watching the “Friday the 13th” movies, and George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead” and its descendants, and they want to try it themselves. They certainly don’t want to invent a whole new game; they’re going to use the same balls, bats and bases as their idols. The result is amateurish, and no sane person would spend any money to watch it, but hey, the kids are having fun, right?

“The House of the Dead” is based on a videogame, and as a helpful reminder, the film often splices brief shots of the actual game into its story. That story is as follows: Some teens, horny and stupid the way nature intended, are eager to attend a rave on an island off the coast of Washington. They have missed the boat, though, in the literal sense of that phrase, and must therefore hire the services of a crusty fisherman/smuggler named Capt. Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow), who does NOT appreciate jokes about his name. Kirk has a first mate named Salish who has the misfortune of being played by Clint Howard.

So the boat, padded with four or five teens and pursued by pretty Coast Guard lady Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell), heads to Isla de Muerte, which Kirk and Salish insist on pronouncing “Isla de Morte.” They’ve warned the kids about weird stuff on the island, and be careful, and blah blah blah, but who ever listens to a crusty old fisherman?

Meanwhile, we’re shown some of what went on earlier that day. There was a rave, sort of, if raves can be held during the daytime (they can’t) and sponsored by Sega (they also can’t). In narration, one of the attendees tells us, “I came here for a rave, and now all that remains is the rotten stench of death.” So you get the idea that some bad stuff went down.

Turns out there are zombies afoot. We first see them zipping around in the woods. One of them has fingers that look like sausages.

I don’t remember much about the original band of teens, except that one of them is an African-American girl, and another one of them is “the biggest underwear model in America” and, by his own admission, not very smart. He is composed primarily of jawbone, as I recall.

Ultimately, of course, it is the teens and the coast guard and whoever else is alive shooting innumerable bullets into huge hordes of zombies. There is a looooong middle sequence of nothing but this; you have to wonder just how many teens were at this rave, getting zombified. It looks to have been the most well-attended rave in history.

It’s directed by German filmmaker Uwe Boll, and fairly well shot, actually, by Mathias Neumann. It has fight scenes that aren’t bad, too. Someday, a couple of these kids might make the big leagues. You never know.

Unemployment is Absolutely Fabulist

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When Stephen Glass was fired from The New Republic in 1998 for fabricating elements of his news stories, I was struck with an amusing idea. What if someday he writes a book about his experiences? And what if I arrange it so that I, too, am fired from my journalism job for ethical violations, thus opening the door for self-referential shenanigans when I write a review of said book?

And so a plan was set in motion. I withheld information about a potential conflict of interest on a story I wrote for Provo’s Daily Herald, got myself fired, and now here I am reviewing Glass’ novel, “The Fabulist,” all according to my grand master scheme. And people said I was mad …!

Of course, what I did — making an error in judgment regarding a story — pales in comparison to completely fabricating news sources out of thin air, and so my reviewing Glass’ book is a little like O.J. Simpson providing commentary on Pol Pot. But Glass and I have a few things in common. We’re about the same age, people often think we’re Jewish (they’re right in his case), we’re products of the same type of modern journalism training, and we were both highly favored writers at our respective outlets. Of course, he was highly favored at The New Republic and I was only highly favored at the Daily Herald, so my reviewing his book is akin to William Henry Harrison discussing Abraham Lincoln. But still.

Before I could review Glass’ book, “The Fabulist,” I first had to read it. This was harder than you might suppose, since you probably think I have loads of time to read the memoirs of disgraced journalists now that I am unemployed. This is untrue, however; you are forgetting the importance of television in a jobless man’s life. I could work full time just watching “Law & Order” and its various incarnations. (And by all means, if any employers are looking for a full-time “Law & Order” watcher, I’m your guy.)

“The Fabulist” is a rather interesting concoction. It’s Glass’ fictionalized account of how he fictionalized news stories, and what happened to him when he was caught. It’s a “novel,” but written in the first person about a journalist named Stephen Glass who gets fired from a news magazine for fictionalizing stories. It’s obviously about Glass himself; the only question is how many of the details are what really happened and how many are just made-up enough to justify calling it a “novel.”

I’m not sure why he wrote a novel rather than just telling his story. Perhaps he knows, at least subconsciously, that the average non-journalist doesn’t even remember who he is, five years later, and that most people wouldn’t be interested in reading his memoirs. A novel, though — people like those. And about a guy who makes up news stories! That’s the makings for good fiction, there.

But it’s not especially good fiction. The irony here is that a man famous for weaving lies is actually fairly bad at telling them. Certain episodes in the book are so farfetched they stink, Louie Anderson-style, of a first-time writer’s attempt to create comedy out of nothing. He pretends to be deaf on a flight so no one will talk to him. He can’t find a pair of underwear and winds up wearing a plastic garbage bag. He gets yelled at in a massage parlor for using a pen to edit a sign on a wall. Oh, the wackiness!

I doubt any of those instances of hijinks and hilarity really happened, which is fine. The problem is, they’re so unrealistic that it’s hard to find them funny, either. And if any of them did happen — after all, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction — then Glass has shot himself in the foot by announcing the book as a “novel.” Our default reaction is to assume anything slightly out-of-place is merely fiction. The story would be much more interesting if he’d stuck to the facts, which is a lesson I would have thought he’d have learned by now.

Of course, it would only have been interesting to journalists, and maybe not even to them — I am one, and I’d forgotten all about Stephen Glass. Something the journalism world has yet to accept is that average readers aren’t very interested in “ethical violations” and whatnot. Most Americans don’t trust newspapers very much, and hearing that a reporter has been canned for lying just confirms what they already thought. It doesn’t rock the very foundation of their souls, which is the effect you’d think it had from the way the media pounced on stories like Stephen Glass, Jayson Blair and those two guys from The Salt Lake Tribune who sold information to The National Enquirer.

Glass seems to suffer from the same delusions as his profession, thinking regular people are fascinated by this stuff. And maybe they would be, if he wrote it with any kind of flair or personality. I finished the book, but only because hey, what else was I going to do? “Law & Order” is only on a few hours a day.

Bus 174 (documentary; Portuguese)

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You may recall the minor flap that a 2002 episode of “The Simpsons” caused when it depicted the family visiting Brazil, taking the opportunity to make all manner of jokes at Brazil’s expense. Officials from that country were angry and demanded an apology from the Fox network, but if they’re that worried about an American cartoon while ignoring the scathing indictments delivered by powerful films like “City of God” and “Bus 174,” then maybe things in Brazil really are as screwed-up as “The Simpsons” jokingly suggested they were.

“City of God” was a fictionalized version of several true stories that depicted the slums outside Rio de Janeiro as a whirling nightmare of gangs and drug dealers, Brazil’s “lost boys.” “Bus 174” is a documentary about the actions of one of those lost boys, one Sandro do Nascimento, who on June 12, 2000, engaged police in a day-long standoff after he took a bus hostage.

The incident itself — caught on tape by dozens of news crews, giving the documentarians plenty of actual footage to work with — is compelling on its own, full of the kind of surprises, twists and cruel irony that have fueled many a Hollywood thriller. Director Jose Padilha also includes new interviews with witnesses and survivors to flesh out the story.

But he goes further than just the hostage crisis. “Bus 174” is about the chaotic, helter-skelter Brazilian society that produces (and subsequently ignores) boys like Sandro do Nascimento. It in no way rationalizes his actions on the bus, but it goes a long way toward explaining what led to it (something the Hollywood thrillers almost always fail at).

We are told the story of the Candelaria street kids, all orphans, runaways or simply forgotten, seven of whom were killed by police, utterly unprovoked, in the wee morning hours in 1993. Many of Rio’s populace felt the police were doing their duty in “cleaning up the city.” Others, like Sandro — a Candelaria kid who survived the attack — saw it as further evidence that their community had not forgotten them at all, but in fact actively despised them. Sandro and his fellow lost boys were without hope.

The bus scenario is fraught with drama and scandal, only a few details of which I will hint at here, as I think you will find it more scintillating to let the movie reveal them to you in its own way. Rio police, it turns out, tend to be men who were previously unemployed, lacking in both marketable skills and self-esteem — only a step away from becoming lost boys themselves, it sounds like. They are also poorly trained in the police academies.

All of this was brought to bear in the way the hostage crisis was handled. Snipers had numerous opportunities to take Sandro down, but were ordered by the chief of police not to do so because the event was being televised and he didn’t want a man being killed on live TV, not even a street-rat terrorist like Sandro. And in the standoff’s gripping finale — retold expertly by Padilha, narrated by those involved — we see tragic confusion, inaccuracy and outright incompetence.

Padilha makes a few missteps in his production, generally in allowing the story to ramble more than it needs to and feel slightly overlong. Including interviews with a pompous sociologist wringing his hands over the tragedy of it all is redundant, too, as the circumstances speak for themselves and do not need further illumination, and especially not from someone who has probably never even traveled in Rio’s rougher neighborhoods, let alone encountered any of Sandro’s contemporaries.

I’m haunted by the film’s description of Brazil’s jails as wretched, overcrowded, inhumane dungeons. How does that relate to the tale of bus 174? We’re told by an observer: “Dead or in custody, Sandro was going to be worse off.” How can it possibly end well?

Out of Time

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“Out of Time” introduces a nightmarish moral quandary for its central character — a true no-win situation — then backs down and allows for an easy resolution. The movie is fun, but it talks the talk without walking the walk.

Denzel Washington plays Matt Whitlock, chief of a tiny police department in Banyan Key, Fla. He’s going through a tense divorce with the smoldering Alex (Eva Mendes), now a police detective, and is having an affair with lovely Anne Merai Harrison (Sanaa Lathan), wife of a hot-headed low-level security guard named Chris (Dean Cain). Somehow, Matt and Anne have kept their affair a secret, even from their closest friends, even in a town with a population under 2,000. They should have been criminals, with that kind of knack for deception.

Anyway, Anne learns she’s dying of cancer. She has a $1 million insurance policy she can sign over to Matt, but he’d rather keep her alive, naturally. To that end, there are experimental treatments available that may prolong her life, but they are expensive. Matt has a few hundred thousand dollars sitting in a safe in his office, the net of a recent drug bust. Would anyone know if it went missing?

Alas, Anne and Chris are killed in a housefire that was obviously the result of arson. More alas, Matt was seen snooping around the house earlier that night, and even still more alas, Matt is the beneficiary of Anne’s insurance policy. It looks bad, and it’s not helped by having his ex-wife heading up the investigation.

The playful script by Dave Collard (a TV writer making his big-screen debut) mines a good deal of tension from the awkwardness of Matt conducting his own secret investigation into the murders right under the nose of the real detectives. The director, Carl Franklin (“High Crimes,” “One True Thing”), is to be commended for making things like scanning a document and sending a fax seem suspenseful; rarely has the office work behind a murder investigation seemed so exciting.

The twists and turns come frequently and without too much defiance of the rules of logic and probability. I only have issues with the finale, which I will not spoil for you, but which neglects many of the important questions previously raised. Matt is a good man whose lies have spun out of control. The more the murder investigation proceeds, the more it seems impossible for him to keep everyone from knowing about his affair with Anne. We sweat along with him — Denzel Washington excels, as always, at getting us on his side and keeping us there — and we feel as claustrophobic as he must. How would it feel to have an awful secret about to be revealed to the world?

But the film veers off before arriving at answers to all those issues. It’s perfectly good as a mystery-thriller, I suppose, but it could have been so much more. Washington’s last big film, “Training Day,” managed to combine popcorn entertainment with thought-provoking issues. This one heads down the same path, then plays it safe and sticks to the popcorn. It’s a shame; it could have been great.

The Station Agent

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The main character in “The Station Agent” is a dwarf, but dwarfism is almost never an issue in the film. Early in his tentative, halting friendship with another guy, the new friend asks, “Do you people have clubs?” But he doesn’t mean dwarfs; he means train enthusiasts, which the dwarf also is. In the world of this film, people are who they are first and what they look like second.

The world of this film is a fine place, and the film itself is a warm, contemplative comedy that cannot, I suspect, fail to make a viewer exit happier than he went in.

Finbar McBride (Peter Dinklage) is the aforementioned little person, and early in the movie he inherits an abandoned train depot in rural Newfoundland, N.J. He moves there immediately, seeking to shut himself off from society, which frequently gives him more attention than he wants. A train depot that is barely used seems the perfect place.

Except that each morning, an exceedingly friendly young man named Joe (Bobby Cannavale) sets up his portable coffee cart next to the depot. He wants to be Finbar’s friend, and not out of curiosity, but because Joe — for reasons that are never explained and that remain a pleasant mystery to me — does not seem to have any good friends, despite being handsome, athletic and easy-going.

Into their world comes another local, Olivia Harris (Patricia Clarkson), a free-spirited artist whose son died not long ago and who is now going through a painful divorce. She, like Finbar, is alone and thinks she prefers it that way. Joe has progressed beyond both of them: He recognizes that neither he nor anyone else truly wants to be alone.

What this film is about, ultimately, is a handful of disparate characters who are feebly, awkwardly coming together. They make connections, while simultaneously trying to resist the urge to connect. In addition to the three mentioned, there is a chubby young girl (Raven Goodwin) and a teen-age library attendant (Michelle Williams), each of whom also, in her own way, seeks contact with the rest of the world.

The humor in the film, written and directed by Thomas McCarthy, comes naturally from the vivid characters he’s created. They seem like real people — credit the low-key, intuitive performances for that — who happen to have been thrown together.

Peter Dinklage is outstanding as Finbar, with a world-weary, cynical expression that barely masks a yearning for true friendship; he also has a gift for deadpan comedy. Bobby Cannavale couldn’t be more likable as Joe, and I have yet to not enjoy Patricia Clarkson in anything she’s done. Her character expresses the most emotion here of anyone, and as such provides the film’s heart.

It’s a big heart, too, there on the sleeve of a pleasingly introspective comedy that, despite being introspective, never takes itself too seriously. I smile just thinking about this film, recalling very few actual lines that made me laugh (though I know there were many), but remembering the general sense of contentment it made me feel. It is the best thing a movie can be: fun to watch.

The Work and the Story

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“The Work and the Story” poses an interesting question: If Richard Dutcher, founder of the Mormon cinema movement, disappeared, what would become of the movement? The answer: A lot of bad filmmakers would come out of the woodworks, and they’d make crap like “The Work and the Story.”

This is that rare film that deftly (though unintentionally) comments on itself. Its fiction is that Dutcher is missing and presumed dead, leaving wannabes to create new films for Mormon audiences. Alas, most of the wannabes are clueless, and the films are bad.

In the real world, Dutcher HAS disappeared from the movie scene (though he is alive and well), not having made a film since 2001’s “Brigham City.” And in his absence, sure enough, the market has been flooded with films ranging from the OK (“Out of Step,” “Charly”) to the bad (“The Singles Ward,” “Handcart”).

Among the bad is “The Work and the Story,” a faux-documentary that wants desperately to be as funny as its fellow mockumentaries — “This is Spinal Tap” and “Waiting for Guffman,” for example — but that misses some of the crucial elements.

Chief among the problems is that the writer/director, Nathan Smith Jones, casts himself as Peter Beuhmann, the primary wannabe who hopes to fill Dutcher’s shoes. Jones may have skills, but they are not in comedic acting. In his hands, Peter is such a grating character, so over-the-top and one-note, that he drastically reduces the film’s watchability.

Most of the time, the acting — from Jones’ co-stars, too — SEEMS like acting. It rarely feels candid and natural like a documentary would. When the actors improvise, it is uncomfortably obvious they are improvising. When they are reciting prepared dialogue, it is embarrassingly obvious they are reciting.

All of this is critical for a movie that must look and feel like a documentary — like non-fiction, straight from life — if it’s going to work. Yeah, it’s funny on paper when Mormon housewife Judy (Jen Hoskins) mentions that she named her sons after Book of Mormon “prophets” while she was inactive in the church, and that the names she chose were Laman and Lemuel. But in practice, I don’t buy for a second that Judy is speaking extemporaneously. It sounds instead like Jen Hoskins was given dialogue to read, or at least an idea to express, and that she did it, self-consciously and unnaturally. I’m hearing an actress, not a character.

There are a few amusing moments and some clever ideas, though. Peter’s Salieri-like jealousy of Dutcher’s work is noteworthy, and I like the idea of Peter being so controlling as a director that he even directs the outtakes that will run over his film’s credits. (“No, you’re not messing up right!”)

Best of all is Eric Artell as Kevin Evans, a young man whose mother disapproves of movies as a whole. His short films (short, as in seven or eight seconds long) are brief bursts of fresh air, and his Book of Mormon war movie — shot with eggs and stop-motion photography rather than people, to avoid the graphic violence — is nearly genius. It is definitely the best scene in “The Work and the Story,” and I won’t be surprised if it’s better than the upcoming “Book of Mormon Movie” as a whole.

Some more judicious editing would have been beneficial. Several jokes are ruined by running longer than they should. The first that comes to mind is Kirby Heyborne’s (“The R.M.”) speech comparing his strict father to working for Peter. Cut him off sooner and you’d have a great monologue. Same with the aforementioned filming of Peter’s outtakes. Give us a couple takes, then move on. Don’t beat that joke to death.

The lesson here is that just because you CAN make a film doesn’t mean you should. It is not as easy as it apparently looks. Improvising isn’t less difficult just because it doesn’t involve line memorization; some actual skills are necessary, too. This movie needed better actors and a better script (or a more thorough outline). It is, unfortunately, just another reminder of how much we miss Richard Dutcher. Nathan Smith Jones realized Dutcher’s work would result in many bad filmmakers coming into the market; he probably didn’t realize he would be one of them.

School of Rock

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We now add Jack Black to the list of actors who appear in films whose comedy relies primarily on whether you happen to think that actor is funny.

“School of Rock” also has the wonderful Joan Cusack, a likable crew of youngsters, and a fair helping of dialogue and situations that are funny regardless of the casting. But most of the laughs still come from Black’s delivery, that spastic juvenility, that post-ironic sloppy-silliness. He’s like a grown-up little kid, almost the way Chris Farley was, but more self-aware.

He performs with actual kids in “School of Rock,” playing an unemployed rock musician named Dewey who takes his roommate’s long-term substitute teaching gig to earn money. Having been kicked out of his own band (a pure ’80s-style long-haired heavy metal crew), Dewey now wants to assemble another group and win big cash in the upcoming battle of the bands. But you gotta pay the rent, bro, so he steals that teaching job.

It’s for a fifth-grade class at a snooty private academy, a real nerd factory, where as luck would have it the repressed kids are already accomplished musicians, though they are more familiar with Bach than with Bachman Turner Overdrive, better with Mozart than with Motown, more skilled with Beethoven than with the Beatles. (I could do this all day, folks.) Overhearing them one day, Dewey gets the idea that you have already foreseen: Turn the kids into a rock band, give everyone something to do (you need roadies and technicians, too, of course), and tell them it’s all for a special class project. The only trick will be to hide their daily rehearsals from the tamped-down, insecure principal (Cusack), and from the kids’ parents, who surely aren’t spending $18,000 a year for their children to learn power chords.

It is only slightly different from, say, “Mr. Holland’s Opus” in its basic structure. Dewey improves the kids’ morale, learns some valuable lessons himself, and all naysayers are converted during the concert that concludes the film. Indie director Richard Linklater (“Slacker,” “Dazed and Confused”) may lose some street cred with this rather genre-specific picture, but he will win points with the masses (something he has not accomplished before, at least not in terms of box office grosses).

And there is definitely still an alternative vibe to the film, a stick-it-to-The-Man attitude that Black exemplifies. His tour de force is a single-take scene in which he sings for the class a song he wrote and wants them to learn. It’s a pretentious progressive-rock anthem, something Rush would have written 25 years ago (or maybe would still write today; I haven’t really kept up with Rush), and as he sings it, he also gives instructions on how the lighting and fog effects would be used, where the drums kick in, and so on. He doesn’t just write a song, he writes a whole rock show. Is Black mocking this self-important, out-dated style of rock ‘n’ roll, or is he endorsing it? Taken either way, it is both hilarious and energizing.

I’m impressed with the lack of cynicism at play here. Dewey wants to teach the kids to be rock stars, but only in the pure way that Dewey imagines is the heart of rock ‘n’ roll, without the drugs and money and associated ill effects. When one of the kids gets too caught up in it all and hangs out with a grown-up band that sits in a van and drinks beer, Dewey whisks him out of there like an angry father. He talks elsewhere about how being a rock god will get you “the ladies,” but it hardly seems like he’s taking about sex. For Dewey, it’s all about the music. Getting “the ladies” would just mean having more adoring fans to watch you play.

And so even though he’s using the kids to win a band competition, and even though it is mildly disquieting in this day and age to hear a teacher tell his students to keep something a secret from their parents, there is still an overriding sense of innocence about it all. Dewey’s using the kids, but he LIKES them, too. They’re nice kids, with personalities and flaws and character.

Dewey’s devotion to rockin’, and to the youth-culture tenets of playin’ it loud and rockin’ all night, is ceaselessly entertaining. Whether you take it as an homage or a parody — that is, whether you take rock ‘n’ roll seriously or not — it’s either way a truly joyful, funny movie.

Under the Tuscan Sun

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The star of “Under the Tuscan Sun” is the breathtaking Italian scenery. Photographed by respected cinematographer Geoffrey Simpson (“Oscar and Lucinda,” “Shine”), the colorful vistas and countrysides are truly gorgeous to behold.

I am somewhat less enthusiastic about the rest of the film, as it seems mired in chick-flick simplicity and what I like to call checklist storytelling. Problems great and small are established, and then they are conquered one by one, in a neat, orderly fashion. The old man who won’t wave back to the protagonist when she greets him each morning will surely do so by film’s end; the spigot that seems incapable of producing water will gush forth mightily; and all the things our heroine hoped and dreamed for herself and her life in Italy will come to pass, all there under the dazzling Tuscan sun.

Our heroine is Frances Mayes (Diane Lane), a San Francisco writer overwhelmed by her recent divorce and unable to determine what to do next. Her friends give her a 10-tour of Tuscany as a get-away-from-it-all gift, and while on the trip, she impulsively buys an old house called Bramasole. The kindly real estate agent, Martini (Vincenzo Ricotta), helps her find a hard-working crew of Polish immigrants to assist in fixing up the place, and she goes about establishing a life for herself in a country that truly celebrates life.

Directed by Audrey Wells and adapted (and fictionalized) by her from the real Frances Mayes’ memoirs, the film wisely realizes its second-best attribute is Diane Lane, an actress of incomparable charm and likability. Her version of the character is strong but vulnerable, devastated by the divorce and the fear that she will not find love again.

The film wavers, unwisely, on the issue of whether she needs a man to feel fulfilled. For a while, the point seems to be that she can be self-sufficient — a rather unusual and laudable philosophy for a chick flick — but events near the end of the film belie that notion and return to far more familiar, romantic territory.

It is also true that charm can only take you so far. Lane’s lovely performance aside, the film dallies, taking far too long to get where it’s going, and where it’s going isn’t all that interesting anyway. If it were a half-hour shorter — and thus better-focused, story-wise — I would recommend it. As it stands, I have some beautiful mental snapshots of the scenery and the locals, but I can’t imagine taking the trip again.

The Rundown

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When Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson burst onto the movie scene with his role in “The Mummy Returns” (2000), all of America sat up and took notice: “Here is a guy who cannot act!” America thought. “We hope he returns promptly to TV wrestling, whence he came!”

But he did not return to wrestling, or at least his returning to wrestling did not prevent him from continuing to appear in other places. He guested on “Saturday Night Live” and demonstrated comedic skill and a willingness to utterly debase himself for the sake of a joke. He reprised his “Mummy Returns” role in “The Scorpion King” (2002), a very bad film in which The Rock was given such a bad screenplay that he appeared to have no talent whatsoever. But the “SNL” performances suggested that when he had something to work with, he could be good.

Now comes “The Rundown,” a perfectly delightful comedy adventure, a sort of smart-aleck, frenetic “Raiders of the Lost Ark” set in the jungles of Brazil. The Rock comports himself extremely well, handling the demanding physicality and the comic dialogue with equal agility. I hesitate to say anything as conclusive (or trite) as “a star is born,” but ladies and gentlemen, get a load of this guy!

He plays a bounty hunter named Beck who is sent to the Amazon mining village of El Dorado to retrieve the son of an organized-crime guy. The mouthy, belligerent son, Travis, is of course played by Seann William Scott, for who else plays mouthy, belligerent 20-somethings these days?

The mine is run by an American named Hatcher (Christopher Walken) who has managed to gain ownership of his employees’ lives, thanks to charging them outrageous living expenses, not to mention blackmail and strong-arm tactics. Consequently, Travis could not leave even if he wanted to, and he doesn’t want to: He believes he has located a legendary treasure of untold financial worth. Hatcher wants this thing, too, which is why he doesn’t just shoot Travis and Beck when Beck whisks him away, kicking and screaming.

Thus begins a chase, with a beleaguered Beck dragging Travis through the Amazon, while both are being pursued by Hatcher’s men. To further complicated matters, there are anti-Hatcher rebels lurking about; they have a friend in Mariana (Rosario Dawson), a mining-village girl who also wants the aforementioned treasure in order to free her people from Hatcher’s rule.

It’s possible there’s a human rights message somewhere in all this, but darned if I care. The film, directed by Peter Berg (“Very Bad Things”) and written by TV scribe R.J. Stewart and James Venderbilt (“Darkness Falls,” “Basic”), is often deliriously entertaining. The Rock and Scott’s interaction is snappily, snarkily funny, and their fight scenes — especially The Rock’s smackdown with a whole group of rebel fighters — are outrageously energetic and fun.

And can we talk about Christopher Walken? Here is a guy who clearly loves being an actor, who doesn’t care how bad a movie sucks, he’ll appear in a couple scenes just because it’s fun. I bet he’d work for free, if you could promise him some absurd, juicy dialogue to wrap his distinctive delivery around. Look at the average-to-bad movies he’s livened up with brief appearances just in the past three years: “Gigli,” “Kangaroo Jack,” “Country Bears,” “Poolhall Junkies,” “America’s Sweethearts,” “Joe Dirt,” “Scotland, Pa.” “The Rundown” is actually a good movie, and he has a large part in it, and the more Christopher Walken we get to see, the more I’m entertained. He speaks every line here like he wrote it himself — or, more accurately, like he didn’t write it all, like it just spontaneously fell out of his insane, fun-loving head.

But back to the film. Beck refuses to use guns for most of the film, saying he’s had bad experiences with them in the past. This is a wise decision. When the film ultimately, inevitably, does become gun-heavy, it certainly loses its creative edge. (Movies about guys who shoot at each other are woefully plentiful already, thank you.) But what a lively trip it is otherwise! It’s one of the year’s great surprises.

Duplex

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I don’t enjoy movies whose principal comedic device is frustration. I’m talking about films where the protagonist can’t get a break, nothing ever goes right, he keeps getting close to success and then keeps losing it. You need setbacks in a story, of course, but the reason you have setbacks is to make the eventual victory seem sweeter. If the payoff never comes, and all we see are hurdles, disasters and disappointment, then where’s the fun in that?

You will point out many very entertaining films whose central characters are losers, even ones whose protagonists NEVER succeed. I will counter that if the films were indeed good, then the protagonists were LOVABLE losers, and the setbacks were more funny to the audience than maddening. Chevy Chase’s character in the early “Vacation” films is a good example of that, as is Steve Martin in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles.” These are people we root for and sympathize with, and their problems are couched in humor.

“Duplex” gets it all wrong. Its protagonists, novelist Alex (Ben Stiller) and his magazine-designer wife Nancy (Drew Barrymore), are not especially likable, noteworthy or charismatic. They do not have any personality traits to speak of. And when misfortune befalls them, it is not funny misfortune; it is merely frustrating, bedeviling misfortune. All we can do is gnash our teeth and be as annoyed as they are. And again, where’s the fun in that?

Alex and Nancy are a young New York couple who buy a fantastic duplex in Brooklyn. It’s roomy and charming, and if the elderly tenant upstairs ever dies or moves out — she cannot be evicted nor her miniscule rent raised, due to rent-control laws — it can even be a source of profit.

In the meantime, however, they are stuck with that tenant. She is Mrs. Connelly (Eileen Essel), an elderly Irish widow who’s always making tea and being grandmotherly, except when she’s being cruel and abusive to her landlords. (She says her husband died in 1963 after 58 years of marriage. If this is true, and her marriage really did take place 98 years ago, then she is well over 110 now.) In true one-dimensional farce style, Mrs. Connelly plays her TV too loud every single night, has other old ladies over to play brass instruments on Saturdays, and is constantly pestering Alex — who’s trying to finish his novel on a tight deadline — to do menial little chores for her.

Alex and Nancy meet a hitman about a third of the way into the film, so we know they’ll resort to him eventually. Until then, they try various other methods of dealing with Mrs. Connelly, and then various methods of getting rid of her.

But the script, by Larry Doyle and John Hamburg, is just one frustration after another. So many problems could be solved by Alex and Nancy simply speaking up. They ask Mrs. Connelly to turn down her TV once, but never ask her a second time, or third time, or as many times as it takes. When she accuses Alex of molesting her, he stammers and stutters instead of telling the cop he was giving her CPR, which is the truth. When she’s astonished to see him holding a pair of her underwear, he fails to point out they were in the trash bag she asked him to take out, which subsequently broke on the stairs. When someone doesn’t believe him about the fate of his laptop computer, he neglects to simply SHOW her the physical evidence of its unfortunate demise. And so on. You want to take all these characters — the good guys AND the bad guys — and throttle some sense into them. And where’s the fun in that?

Ben Stiller, who has a gift for comedy, seems to be trying his best. He works a few lines into mild chuckles, doing more with less than many actors could. Drew Barrymore, who does not have a gift for anything, as far as I can tell, flits along in her usual fashion.

Danny DeVito, who has a thing for dark comedies (this is essentially his “Throw Momma from the Train” all over again), directs this one without tact or subtlety, like a live-action cartoon. Nothing is plausible, and no one is likable. It does not build or flow; it lurches. It isn’t funny, because it isn’t believable. This isn’t entertainment. This is an irritant.

Bubba Ho-Tep

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Elvis didn’t really die. See, what happened was, he got tired of the limelight and switched places with a particularly good Elvis impersonator. It was that guy who died in 1977; the real Elvis went on living that guy’s life, posing as an Elvis impersonator, until he broke his hip and wound up in a rest home in Mud Creek, Texas, where he lives today and where no one believes him when he says he’s Elvis Presley.

Or so the story goes. That’s the background on “Bubba Ho-Tep,” a most unusual campy-comedy-horror by Don Coscarelli, the man behind the “Phantasm” and “Beastmaster” films.

Elvis (Bruce Campbell) is in poor health and doesn’t have quite the, uh, manly stamina he once did. He’s bitter and irritated that no one believes he’s Elvis. He flirts a little with the pretty nurse (Ella Joyce) who attends him, but has little else to fill his days as he lies in a convalescent home. He misses his daughter and hates his ex-wife, and regrets making all those terrible movies.

He meets another resident who says he is John F. Kennedy (Ossie Davis) — THE John F. Kennedy. He says he went underground after he was shot so that those who sought his death would think they’d succeeded. His handlers even dyed him black, so thorough were they in keeping him hidden. Elvis thinks the guy is nuts, but hey, whatever makes you happy.

The two men discover that there’s an ancient Egyptian soul-eater working the rest home, killing patients and devouring their essences. It falls on them, therefore, to find and destroy the monster, armed only with a walker, a motorized wheelchair and a makeshift flamethrower.

Bruce Campbell is the film’s greatest asset, parlaying his cult fame as star of the “Evil Dead” series into a performance that lies somewhere between satire and straightforward comedy. Coscarelli gives him some typically Campbellite lines to say — “It’s time for A-C-T-I-O-N,” for example — and Campbell goes right ahead and delivers them with his usual panache, mixed with Elvis-style machismo. (He actually makes a pretty good Elvis.)

The whole thing is tongue-in-cheek — generally vulgarly, outrageously so — and dips only slightly into the “horror” category. Overall, I’m not entirely sure what it was trying to do. It passes the time pleasantly enough, but it’s less funny than a comedy and less scary than a monster movie. Its unusual premise goes a long way, though: How can you resist a film that has a geriatric Elvis and JFK fighting mummies?

Underworld

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Underworld

Movies about vampires, werewolves, or vampires AND werewolves are great fun to write about because no matter how eloquently you describe the plot, it is always going to sound stupid.

In “Underworld,” the vampires and werewolves are two warring factions, living in the modern world but keeping their existence hidden from humans. Their dispute is centuries old, and it deals with some experimentation to combine the two species, as well as an old forbidden cross-species love affair.

See what I mean?

It’s the sort of film that’s far more fun to talk about that it is to watch. It doesn’t rise to the level of hootingly bad camp; it’s too turgid and serious for that, with overwrought dialogue like this bit from the opening narration: “The lycan horde scattered in the wind in a single evening of flame and retribution.” Gotta love it.

Ages ago, there was a big war between the vampires and the werewolves (called lycans, thank you very much) in which head vamp Viktor (Bill Nighy) allegedly destroyed the head lycan, Lucian. But Viktor is gone now — we don’t know why, and we don’t know why the war happened in the first place — and leading the blood-suckers now is a guy named Kraven (Shane Brolly), which is a play on the word “craven,” which means “cowardly,” so you know where this is going.

Viktor’s main supporter is Selene (Kate Beckinsale), and she pines for him and doesn’t like Kraven. Meanwhile, the wolves seem to be chasing a specific human named Michael (Scott Speedman), which puzzles and worries the vamps, who assume nothing good can come of the lycans targeting a human for anything other than food purposes.

I had no idea what was happening for much of the film, or why. The vamps and wolves mostly stay away from each other; it is only in the end that a full-on battle takes place. Most of the questions are answered eventually — what started the war, why Michael’s being chased, etc. — but I question the wisdom in keeping an audience in the dark for so long while simultaneously giving them so few characters to be interested in.

The Underworld series:

“Underworld” (2003) C-
“Underworld: Evolution” (2006) C-
“Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” (2009) C-
“Underworld: Awakening” (2012)
“Underworld: Blood Wars” (2017) C

It’s disappointing to see vampires and werewolves misused in such a manner. They have almost zero contact with the human world — in fact, what alarms the vamps most about the wolves’ seeking Michael is that they’re chasing him in broad daylight — and consequently the film feels disconnected from reality, even more than a movie about mythological creatures needs to be. We don’t know what city it all happens in; it might as well be a fantasy world, or an ancient city, or another planet.

The scenes of people transforming into werewolves (they can do this at will, independently of the moon cycle) are extremely cool, and there’s a dark broodiness about the whole thing (directed by first-timer Len Wiseman and written by him and two other rookies) that could have worked if the story made more sense and if there were someone to root for. As it is, it’s just a lot of darkness and nonsense.

Anything Else

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Woody Allen’s “Anything Else” is what his “Annie Hall” would have been if he had cast less-talented actors in it and dragged it out for an extra 15 minutes. It features an astounding amount of dialogue, even by Woody Allen standards, but lacks the wit and insight that have marked his best films.

Allen casts Jason Biggs as Jerry Falk, a neurotic, relationship-challenged New Yorker trying to make it as a comedy writer — a young version of Allen, in other words. Allen himself is David Dobel, an old writer who’s guiding Jerry through the pitfalls of youth with frank counsel and advice.

Currently, Jerry is in a horrid relationship with a horrid, needy woman named Amanda (Christina Ricci). They got together when Jerry stole her away from her old boyfriend, Jerry’s friend Bob (Jimmy Fallon). So that’s pretty classy.

Jerry and Amanda live together now, but he still doesn’t know how to deal with her mood swings, eating disorders and insecurities. Then her mother moves in — a dreadful, tired plot device, and nearly devoid of comedy, though it’s hard to be too upset, considering Mom is played by Stockard Channing, who is a welcome sight in any film, even if her character is merely extra baggage.

Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci are fine actors, and have done excellent work elsewhere. The task of carrying off Allen’s wordy, go-nowhere dialogue, however, would be too massive even for brilliant actors. He expects so much of them, but gives them so little to work with.

I like this brief exchange between Jerry and Amanda, discussing their first meetings:

AMANDA: I had a crush on you. Couldn’t you tell by the way I was ignoring you?
JERRY: There was something compelling about your apathy.

That’s good Woody Allen writing. It’s snappy and smart and nicely worded. And it’s nearly the only example of it in this film. The rest is mostly weak, verbose ramblings about love and relationships. It’s all been done, Woody. Come up with something new to offer — or at least a funny way of re-offering the old stuff — or stay home.

Cold Creek Manor

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Even though I see a lot of movies, I’m still not very good at predicting what will occur in them. I get a general sense, but I rarely peg the specific events. Yet in “Cold Creek Manor,” a rather plain suspense film, I don’t think there is even one thing that happens that I didn’t foresee. It’s the sort of movie that makes dumb guys like me feel smart.

So there’s this family in New York City, but they want to get away to someplace less hectic, so they buy a run-down old house in the country. Dad, Cooper Tilson (Dennis Quaid), is a documentary filmmaker. His wife, Leah (Sharon Stone), works in some kind of high-finance corporate thing, doing I don’t know what, but she’s left that job to be with her family at Cold Creek Manor. They have a young daughter Kristen (Kristen Stewart) and son Jesse (Ryan Wilson), who are both pretty stoked about the dilapidated piece of crap their family has moved into.

The locals are funny about the house. When they stop at a gas station on the way, an attendant played by Juliette Lewis gets a really icky look on her face when they mention Cold Creek Manor, and I mean even ickier than the look that’s usually on Juliette Lewis’ face.

Turns out there was some trouble there not long ago. The former owner, Dale Massie (Stephen Dorff), lived with his family, but they went missing, and then he went to jail and the bank foreclosed and now he wants his house back. Since Cooper is too trusting and a little stupid, frankly, he lets Dale work as a handyman, even though he leers at Cooper’s wife and mentions that his young daughter is “pretty.” You’d think someone who makes documentaries for a living would be more observant about people, but oh well.

So some bad stuff starts happening, some of it involving snakes, and the local sheriff (Dana Eskelson) gets involved, and there’s one thing and another, and before you know it everything comes to a head during a big rainstorm.

This is the sort of film that shows you all the cards in its hand in the beginning, shuffles them, then somehow expects you not to recognize them when they start showing up again. “Yeah, movie, there’s a blue piece of plastic in the driveway that turns out to be important,” you say. “I knew it would turn up sooner or later, because you gave me an ominous closeup of it ages ago. Same with the old slaughterhouse weapons posted on the wall that Dale went on and on about for a whole scene. Did you really think that wouldn’t tip me off that they’d be used later? Come on, movie. Give me a little credit.”

Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone: love ’em. Both are really likable actors, and Stone is radiantly beautiful. I wish she were in more movies, even if they’re bad ones like “Gloria.”

The writer/director is Mike Figgis, whose “Timecode” (2000) and “Leaving Las Vegas” (1995) indicate he’s much better than this. I don’t know what he thought he was doing here in potboiler-thriller territory.

I recently read an interview with Mike Nelson, host and head writer of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” a man who clearly knows his bad movies. He said he has no problem with a movie being stupid; that’s not what makes a film bad. “Be stupid, sure, just don’t be boring,” he said.

My sentiments exactly. Plenty of movies are dumb but entertaining, and “Cold Creek Manor” is almost one of them. It may be predictable, but it’s not dull, not when you have Juliette Lewis and Stephen Dorff’s mega-white-trash alcohol-based relationship, not to mention Christopher Plummer playing a delusional old man who tells his son, “You’re the corrupt spawn of your whoring mother.” That’s the kind of insane, laughable dialogue that helps pass the time from one easily spotted plot twist to the next.

Secondhand Lions

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“Secondhand Lions” has all the makings of a hokey, ridiculous family-friendly drama, the kind of eye-rollingly oversimplified tale that uses charm to make up for its lack of smarts. I said it has the makings. Somehow, though, it avoids most of the pitfalls, some of the clichés and a good portion of the eye-rolling. It’s a good movie, swathed in the clothes of a bad one.

Our young friend Haley Joel Osment, who saw dead people in “The Sixth Sense” and was a robot boy in “A.I.,” plays an ordinary kid this time. He’s Walter, about 14 and the only child of a chronically irresponsible mother (Kyra Sedgwick) in the 1950s.

As we begin, Mom, a haggard woman approaching middle age and not wearing her promiscuity well, is going to attend the Ft. Worth College of Court Reporting. She leaves Walter in the care of his two old great-uncles, Garth (Michael Caine) and Hub (Robert Duvall) in rural Texas. According to family legend, Garth and Hub are rich, having earned, stolen or found money during the 40 years they were unaccounted for and traveling the world. Mom would like Walter to find this money, if he can, over the course of the summer.

Garth and Hub live a simple life on their dusty plot of land in the boonies. They don’t have a phone or television, or anything to do, really, other than aim shotguns at the steady stream of traveling salesmen who come by regularly. (Word of the brothers’ wealth has apparently spread beyond the borders of the family.)

Walter is alarmed, at first, by his uncles’ eccentricity, which reaches its zenith when they buy an old lion from a circus so they can let it loose on their property and hunt it. Or perhaps the zenith is when they buy a disassembled airplane with the intention of reassembling it and flying it, despite having no previous flight experience. At any rate, Walter and the old guys quickly grow on each other — this is not, fortunately, one of those movies all about a youngster melting the heart of a crusty old person — and develop a relationship of real familial compassion, albeit without any of that touchy-feely nonsense.

It’s what they call a coming-of-age story, I suppose, and it’s bookended by scenes of a grown-up Walter at work as a cartoonist, and then of him visiting the uncles’ ranch again. The ending, in particular, is unnecessary, even silly; there is no need for the present-day frame to what is otherwise a perfectly serviceable story.

Caine and Duvall are extremely praiseworthy as the uncles. There’s a surprisingly strong dynamic to their relationship; though I never really bought Caine’s Southern accent, I completely believed he and Duvall were brothers. They’re old coots, but they bring depth to old-coothood.

Osment is a little disappointing as Walter. He’s not bad; he’s just not as good as you’d expect, given his fantastic performances in the films previously mentioned. Some of this may be the fault of the screenplay (by Tim McCanlies, who also directed), which gives him only a couple of scenes in which to truly act, the rest of the time consigning him to reacting to Garth and Hub’s oddness.

It’s an altogether funny, charming piece, with much to hold a viewer’s interest in an uncomplicated, childlike way. The presence of a lion is bound to keep us watching, as are little elements like a mysterious picture in the attic and Uncle Hub’s nightly sleepwalking. It also has an old-fashioned cliffhanger-style adventure story running through it, as Garth tells Walter about his and Hub’s exploits in the Middle East during World War I. For much of the film, if we let ourselves, we can become young and curious, too, just like Walter. It’s a good feeling.

Matchstick Men

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The men referred to in the title of “Matchstick Men” are two con artists, Roy (Nicolas Cage) and Frank (Sam Rockwell). They live in the artificial city of Los Angeles, have a number of artificial identities, and use small-time fictions to scam average people out of their money. Frank even wears a clip-on tie; nothing about these guys, it seems, is real.

But Roy, whose story this really is, is plagued with psychological problems. He’s obsessive-compulsive and beset with tics and twitches. New medication from his new psychologist Dr. Klein (Bruce Altman) is helping, but stressful situations set him back again, not the least of which is the sudden appearance of a daughter he never knew he had, 14-year-old Angela (Alison Lohman).

Angela’s mom left Roy when she was two months pregnant; until now, Roy didn’t know what happened. He tries to hide his work from Angela, unsuccessfully; it is hard to keep anything from a crying child, especially one who just wants to get to know her daddy better.

Inevitably, Roy teaches Angela a con, and she takes to it like a duck to water. They get along. They like each other. Roy starts to overcome his problems. A life of conning is good.

This cannot last, of course, and just when you think the film has no place to go, it finds someplace to go. It’s a con caper, a heart-warming family drama, and a gut-wrenching comedy, all at once. Angela revitalizes Roy, changes his life — not in the generic way long-lost movie daughters revitalize their movie fathers, but in a way that feels much more genuine. Eventually, her presence in his life leads to developments we would not have suspected, suggesting that whatever you think this movie is, it is probably something else.

Sam Rockwell is always a welcome presence, no less so here as the free-wheeling Frank. And Alison Lohman holds her own as Ray’s precocious daughter.

Nicolas Cage, fresh off two fantastic performances in “Adaptation,” gives some more of his best work here. His portrayal of a difficult, troubled man is honest and non-caricatured. Roy is a character who often cannot act and can only be acted upon. Cage conveys this with appropriate frustration, humor and conviction.

The film is directed with great amusing quirkiness by Ridley Scott, who is better known for his large-scale films like “Gladiator” and “Black Hawk Down.” Smaller, character-driven work like this isn’t his usual style, but he handles it like it a pro. Of course, when some unexpected action occurs midway through the picture, you can feel Scott really getting down to business, like he’s been quietly waiting for that moment all along. You’ll realize you’ve been waiting for it, too.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico

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Time was, a film making only $25 million would not warrant a sequel. But in a year when even something like “Jeepers Creepers” gets a follow-up, we have “Once Upon a Time in Mexico,” the sequel to 1995’s “Desperado” (itself a sequel to the ultra-low-budget “El Mariachi,” from 1992).

It is all the handiwork of Robert Rodriguez, a film industry maverick and jack-of-all-trades. He handled the writing, directing, photographing, editing, producing and scoring of this film, and he has multi-tasked on his other work, too, including the recent trilogy of “Spy Kids” flicks. There is always a singularity of vision about his movies, an energy that carries from screenplay to scene composition to editing. You can tell it’s the work of the same talented man, and there’s a certain excitement to seeing a movie made that way.

“Once Upon a Time in Mexico” has more of the same exuberant violence and bloodshed that marked “El Mariachi” and “Desperado,” where the force of being shot often propels victims backward and airborne several yards, where the bloodless gunshot wounds of old-time Westerns are a thing of the past, and where even the good guys can get shot, too (though they often live to tell about it). Such extremities are an acquired taste, certainly, though the cool stylization of the wanton bloodshed is undeniably impressive, whether you happen to like looking at it or not.

This time around, El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas), the brooding guitarist/gunfighter, is approached with a special mission by a CIA agent named Sands (Johnny Depp). A drug lord named Marquez (Gerardo Vigil) is going to assassinate the Mexican president, stage a coup, and assume leadership of the country. Sands wants El Mariachi to kill Marquez AFTER he takes out the president but BEFORE he can take control.

El Mariachi is preoccupied with mourning the apparent demise of his lover Carolina (Salma Hayek), mourning being a running theme for him in these films. He actually disappears from the film for a while, as Rodriguez focuses a lot of attention on Johnny Depp’s scene-stealing CIA agent. (Amazingly, Depp does for this film what he did for “Pirates of the Caribbean,” i.e., he saves it, overhauls it and makes it worth watching.)

The film gets extremely bogged down in its side plots, though. I’m honestly at a loss to explain who everyone is, or why they want the various other people dead. I know only that most of them get their wish. I know there’s Willem Dafoe as a drug guy who wants to alter his face so as to be unrecognizable, and a female Mexican agent (Eva Mendes) who has a history with Sands, and Mickey Rourke as an American who’s involved somehow, and also a chihuahua that sort of figures in and sort of doesn’t, and Cheech Marin and Danny Trejo and Enrique Iglesias and a million others. It’s one of the busiest films I’ve seen, especially when the busyness is viewed in ratio to how much is actually accomplished.

Depp’s performance, as parenthetically mentioned, is the best reason to see the film, the audacious violence being the second-best. It never runs short on energy, and such frantic endeavors can make a film fun without making it, you know, good.

The Book of Mormon Movie

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Whether or not you believe The Book of Mormon is true — and I should say up front that I do — many of its stories are prime movie material, full of drama, excitement and inspiration. I suspect one day a good film will emerge that makes use of the book’s events and characters.

“The Book of Mormon Movie” is not that film. Produced, written and directed by Gary Rogers, who has no prior film experience, it is obviously the work of someone, well, with no prior film experience. Its screenplay (for which Craig Clyde is co-credited) merely recreates all the events of the first 66 pages of The Book of Mormon without any regard for plotting, storytelling or character development. There is no climax, no clear narrative path. The acting is uniformly bland, as if the actors are merely reciting scripture (which they often are), rather than portraying living, breathing people. The movie is the very definition of “perfunctory,” seemingly made just for the sake of making it. It is about as imaginative as if a committee of dull, suit-wearing middle-aged men got together and tried to stage a ballet.

That Rogers made it with the pure goal of bringing a beloved work of scripture to life, I do not question. But the finished product is pedestrian and mishandled. It is a classic case of a filmmaker’s love for his material being much stronger than his talent for filming it.

For those unfamiliar with the text, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of what the film covers (which is the books of 1 Nephi and 2 Nephi; Rogers plans another six films to tell the rest). Set in approximately 600 B.C. in Jerusalem, the story is of a prophet named Lehi (Bryce Chamberlain) who is warned by the Lord to take his family and head for the hills, lest they be a) killed by angry townspeople who don’t cotton to Lehi’s denouncement of them as “wicked,” or b) caught up in the impending destruction by outside forces. (This destruction will come because of the aforementioned wickedness, by the way.)

So Lehi takes off with his wife Sariah (Jan Broberg Felt), his daughters, his good sons Nephi (Noah Danby) and Sam (Kirby Heybourne), and bad sons Laman (Mark Gollaher) and Lemuel (Cragun Foulger). The boys get sent back to Jerusalem twice, first to obtain important religious records from the evil, drunken Laban (Michael Flynn), then to fetch Lehi’s buddy Ishmael (Ron Frederickson) and his family, especially his daughters, since wives are needed. Then they build a boat and sail to the New World.

The trouble is that what makes for a good religious document doesn’t necessarily work as a film. For one thing, you need an interesting, dynamic protagonist, and Nephi is not one. He has no apparent character flaws, even slight ones, and he doesn’t change, learn or grow over the course of the film. Since the record is mum on the subject of Nephi’s rough edges, some fictionalization would have been needed to make him work as a movie character. I’m not saying make him a bad guy; I’m saying make him a human being. At the very least, give him an important lesson to learn. The movie version of Nephi is exactly the same at the end as he was at the beginning. And that’s boring.

At the other end of the spectrum, there’s Laman, Nephi’s constantly backsliding brother. Readers of the text have noted that Laman is capable of seeing an angel on one page, and complaining again on the next. (It is also true, though I had not noticed it until seeing it enacted on the silver screen, that Laman’s solution to everything is to tie Nephi up.) When the story is told in broad, general strokes, it seems unlikely that a real person would behave that way; obviously there are details omitted for the sake of brevity that would have explained Laman’s personality and motivations. A movie is a golden opportunity to explore that — not to make him the central character, of course, but at least to make him believable as a villain. But in Rogers’ movie, Laman is as uneven and inscrutable as he is in the text. That’s OK in the book, because you’re not reading the scriptures to see three-dimensional characters. It’s not OK in a movie.

There is no “story” in these 66 pages, at least not the kind of story that has exposition, rising action, climax and resolution. There is, rather, a series of episodes, any of which could conceivably be fleshed-out, given the just-mentioned elements of story, and turned into films. But instead, Rogers has merely propped The Book of Mormon on an easel and filmed every page, whether it’s useful in telling the story of these people or not.

One of the most dramatic events is when Nephi is compelled by the Lord to kill Laban. In the text, Laban has passed out drunk and Nephi must switch clothes with him, fool a guard, and make off with the brass plates. In the film, Nephi puts Laban’s clothes on — notably a large, gaudy breastplate — as soon as Laban is unconscious. He’s not an imminent threat; why does Nephi have to kill him? Reading the scripture, I have no problem with the notion that sometimes God may command a prophet to act contrary to orthodoxy. Seeing it portrayed in the film, though, it reminds me of the insane religious zealots who do heinous things because “God told them to.” It’s uncomfortable.

There’s more discomfort later, when Nephi uses the power of God to shock his rebellious brothers. Again, in the text, it makes sense. On the screen, it seems weird, with Nephi prefacing the punishment with a “this is going to hurt, but it’s for your own good” kind of speech.

The film’s dialogue is an awkward mix of King James-style scripture-talk — often direct quotes from The Book of Mormon — and modern language. People say “thee” and “thou” sometimes, and “I know not” instead of “I don’t know,” but they also say things like “Let’s go” and “You’re always spoiling our fun!”

(I don’t know how the dialogue could have worked, frankly. Writing it all in scripture style would prevent the characters from seeming like real people, and writing it in more modern language would make them seem absurd. So this was going to be an uphill battle from the beginning.)

Sean P. Means, my friend and colleague at the Salt Lake Tribune, laid down the law in his review of “The Singles Ward.” He wrote: “It’s tempting to go easy on ‘The Singles Ward,’ since it’s a local production. But when you must pay the same $7 that gets you into ‘A Beautiful Mind’ or ‘The Lord of the Rings,’ amateur hour is over.”

He is exactly right. “The Book of Mormon Movie” may have honest, even noble, intentions. Its budget was comparatively low, its director/writer inexperienced, its source material difficult to transfer to the cinema without upsetting fans who would prefer that not a word be changed. (You thought Harry Potter enthusiasts were insistent!) But that doesn’t matter. They’re charging the same money to see this as they are to see good movies. It must be held to the same standards, at least artistically.

Whether it is spiritually moving is another issue, and not one that can be examined in a film review. Such matters are extremely personal, after all. (Did it move me? Yes, briefly, during Nephi’s visit with the angel who explained Lehi’s Tree of Life dream.) I can say “The Book of Mormon Movie” is “good” in the sense that it is wholesome and highlights sound principles. I cannot say, however, that it is “good” in the sense of being well-acted, well-written or well-executed.

One final note. After seeing the film, I went to The Book of Mormon to verify some details, and to compare how the movie differed from its source material. In so doing, I got caught up and read a few pages of 1 Nephi, which I hadn’t done in a while. If one of Rogers’ goals is to inspire people to read The Book of Mormon, then I suppose he succeeded. As a religious tract, a literal reenactment of events portrayed in scripture, the film is OK. As a film, something you watch for entertainment, enlightenment or enjoyment, it is not. I hope my readers will understand the difference and see why, for all its good intentions, “The Book of Mormon Movie” is neither a marvelous work nor a wonder.

Lost in Translation

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Set against the backdrop of modern-day Tokyo — a place that is foreign in every sense of the word to most Americans — is Sofia Coppola’s lovely new film “Lost in Translation,” following two individuals who are as bewildered by life itself as they are by the language and customs of Japan.

This is a quiet, contemplative comedy whose comedic moments seem secondary in importance to its deeper, more beautiful ones. As much as I love comedies, I almost forget this is one in my remembrances of it.

We first meet Bob Harris (Bill Murray), a washed-up American actor in Tokyo to make some money doing whiskey commercials (having discovered, as have many not-so-washed-up American actors, the lucrative Asian endorsement market). His face already appears on billboards, but we get the impression this is his first actual visit to the Orient. He is bemused — not smug, as so many Bill Murray characters have been — by his obsequious Japanese hosts and the odd process of having a translator tell him the commercial director’s instructions. The bars are weird, the TV programs are unusual: Bob Harris doesn’t know what to make of this.

Neither does Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson), a young woman married to a rock ‘n’ roll photographer (Giovanni Ribisi) with no particular direction of her own. She and Bob are staying in the same hotel and have a few chance encounters. They are apparently the only Americans there, except for Charlotte’s husband John, who is busy with work most of the time. Charlotte doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life. Neither does Bob. The only difference between them is that he used to know, or thought he knew.

This isn’t going where you think. Charlotte is happily married, and Bob is married, if not happily, at least reliably. At the moment, they are simply two lost souls who can find respite in one another’s company for a few days.

Scarlet Johansson, best known heretofore for her supporting roles in “Ghost World” (2000) and “The Man Who Wasn’t There” (2001), is finally getting some much-deserved critical attention for her impressive work here. Her character is young — about 21, probably — but mature, and old enough to be a little frightened by life’s uncertainties.

And then there’s Bill Murray. Known primarily as a comedian, his more serious turns in “Rushmore” (1998) and “The Royal Tenenbaums” (2001) surprised many viewers and even inspired Oscar buzz. This time, don’t be alarmed if it actually happens. His performance in “Lost in Translation” is marvelously low-key and subtle, so natural and real that one is liable to overlook just how brilliant it is.

His humor is droll and dry; he burns slowly as he becomes increasingly annoyed by his surroundings, never giving way to full-blown anger. Bob is boyish and silly, especially around Charlotte, humor being his natural reaction to things and necessarily an indication of happiness. Murray’s scenes with a photographer and later with a Japanese prostitute are hilariously underplayed. Few actors could pull off such deadpan delivery with such comedic perfection.

And yet despite the humor, which is abundant, the film’s tone is more sweet than knee-slapping. Charlotte and Bob’s relationship is a thing of beauty, and if they don’t come out of it knowing any more about the world than they did before, at least they know there’s someone else just as perplexed as they are.

Cabin Fever

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“Cabin Fever” begins with a man waving a dead rabbit in front of what turns out to be a dead dog. For the characters, things go downhill from there. For the audience, we are treated to a 90-minute homage to the true classics of the horror genre: “Evil Dead,” “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Night of the Living Dead” and others.

Director Eli Roth, who wrote the film with Randy Pearlstein, knows his source material and clearly has an affection for it. There is little about “Cabin Fever” that is original, except for the few instances when Roth gently twists the genre’s conventions. Most of the time, the conventions remains firmly intact, and Roth uses them the way a great painter uses the colors and techniques of the masters.

The scenario is virtually identical to “Evil Dead”: a group of young people is in a secluded cabin; some sort of virus or force kills them. The group is your standard lot of slasher-movie college students, heading to the woods of Texas for a weekend. There’s the horny couple, Marcy (Cerina Vincent) and Jeff (Joey Kern), who have sex literally within seconds of arriving at the cabin. Then you have Paul (Rider Strong), in love with his best friend Karen (Jordan Ladd), and hoping to develop romance with her. Finally, there is the requisite fifth wheel, Bert (James DeBello), an obnoxious and vulgar miscreant who drinks nothing but beer and attempts to shoplift a Snickers bar from the general store.

Ah, and the general store. Films like this usually have one, where country folk offer the teens advice on the order of, “Be careful out in those woods.” At this particular general store, there is a long-haired boy named Dennis who sits on a bench out front and bites people who approach him. There is also a fantastic joke about a rifle owned by the proprietor. It is maybe the best joke I’ve heard in a movie all year.

The gang encounters the mysterious illness — a pretty gross flesh-eating virus of sorts — when a man shows up at their door, bloody, sick and seeking a doctor. There is mixed reaction as to how to deal with him; the outcome is grim, as summarized by Karen, who says, “That guy asked for our help. We lit him on fire.”

The film, shot on the cheap but with gloriously real makeup effects, has a deliciously dark sense of humor and provides some honest scares. However, it also uses cheap scare tactics too often, particularly the one where you put a loud blast of music on the soundtrack at the same time that someone walks in a door, or whatever. The audience jumps because it is startled, even though nothing scary has occurred. Roth uses the device too often.

The film is almost exclusively for fans of the genre. It is not enough to seek a good scare; you will also need an appreciation for the aforementioned classics, films whose plots and characters are rudimentary and whose premises are single-minded in their devotion to terror and mayhem. “Cabin Fever” is not great as art, but it deserves a place alongside its predecessors in the pantheon of horror flicks.

Party Monster

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Admit it: Part of you, maybe even a big part, has always wanted to see Macaulay Culkin play a drug-addicted homosexual murderer. It seems fitting that in his first film role in nearly a decade, the former child star should re-emerge in a part that is so obviously adult, and even better that it’s a prurient, indecent sort of part.

“Party Monster” is based on James St. James’ fact-based book “Disco Bloodbath,” about the Club Kid scene of New York of the late 1980s, and in particular about James’ best friend Michael Alig, the leader of the group who wound up killing a drug-dealer friend of theirs. It is the first dramatic work by writers/directors Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, documentarians whose previous work include the excellent “Eyes of Tammy Faye” and the first “Party Monster,” which was a documentary covering the same material as the new, dramatized film.

The territory, then, is familiar to Bailey and Barbato, and they excellently recreate the era in question in this vivid, often hallucinatory film. The Club Kids were a cultish lot of young punks, mostly from privileged homes, who, in the words of Michael Alig, wanted life to be one big party. They wore outrageous costumes, both in everyday life and at the dance clubs, and they indulged in as many drugs as they could get their hands on. Sexuality was ambiguous and almost beside the point. In the film, Michael and James, while platonic, are certainly gay, but there’s more pageantry to it than hormones. Flamboyance and affectation are the key — style, not substance.

That’s what leads to the film’s troubles, in fact. The lead performances — Culkin as Michael and Seth Green as James — are more than fabulous, full of such mincing and posing as befits the highly entertaining characters. At the same time, though, it is never clear whether Culkin and Green are playing the characters or parodying them. Michael and James are figures who strive to avoid taking anything seriously, including themselves. But with few unguarded moments for us to see them as they truly are, we get no closer to them than their casual observers do. Life is just a show for the Club Kids, but isn’t the point of a movie supposed to be to take us behind the scenes, to bring down the facade?

The film certainly has style, though, and it is often very funny. Bailey and Barbato allow Michael and James to compete as narrators, each vying for attention, just as they did among their friends. Marilyn Manson has an amusing turn as their wacked-out friend Christina, and Wilmer Valderrama is sweetly clueless as Michael’s allegedly straight boyfriend. It’s a fun movie, for the most part. Its only trouble is that it doesn’t add up to as much as it thinks it does.

The Order

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“The Order” was originally to have been released in January 2003, but was delayed so improvements could be made in the special effects. It is sobering to think that a film was actually NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be released in January, which is the dumping-ground month for films.

So it emerges, spiffed up and shiny, in another dumping ground, the first week of September. The film certainly has its problems, but the quality of the special effects is not among them. How very typical of Hollywood thinking to send a film back for better special effects, ignoring that the film still has no compelling story line or believable characters.

It’s about a hunky priest named Alex (Heath Ledger) who belongs to the Carolingians, an old-school order of Catholic priests who still say the mass in Latin, practice exorcisms, and so on. His mentor, Dominic (Frencesco Carnelutti) has died in Rome under suspicious circumstances, so Alex heads to Italy to snoop around. He is accompanied by Mara (Shannyn Sossamon), a recently escaped mental patient who 1) is in love with Alex and 2) once tried to kill him, which is why she was locked up in the first place.

They are met there by Thomas (Mark Addy), a priest and friend and fellow cast member from “A Knight’s Tale” (which, like “The Order,” was written and directed by Brian Helgeland). They are soon on the trail of someone called the Sin-Eater. In the old days, a Sin-Eater was someone who took your sins on himself, thus giving you absolution when the church wouldn’t (if you had been excommunicated, for example). Maybe this Sin-Eater knows what happened to Dominic.

“The Order” is not boring, per se. It is simply a movie with no place to go, and no idea how to get to where it’s not going. It keeps getting sidetracked. Witness the scene with Thomas and Alex in a sewer under a church, where Alex almost drowns and Thomas gets mildly impaled with little knives: What does THAT have to do with anything?

Once the Sin-Eater is located — with an hour left to go — the film truly flounders. If there is yet a purpose, plot-wise, it is not made clear. Instead, we watch these nice-looking folks run around Rome performing various acts that don’t seem to be leading anywhere.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star

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David Spade has never had a hit film on his own, and he has given us little reason to think he deserves one. When he is being snarky and cruel, as in his old “Hollywood Minute” bit on “Saturday Night Live,” he can be extremely funny. But on his own, playing a character and following a plot — especially if he wrote or co-wrote the script — his films tend to be amateurish and embarrassing.

“Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star” does not break this trend. It is the least funny of his films so far (yes, worse than “Joe Dirt”), and while it at least generally avoids potty humor, it also generally avoids humor altogether. It is brimming with moments that are supposed to make us have actual FEELINGS — devices meant to touch our hearts that utterly fail in every instance.

Spade plays Dickie, who as a youth in the 1970s was star of a fictional TV show called “The Glimmer Gang,” with a catchphrase and everything. Now that’s he an adult and washed-up, he spends his days parking cars and his nights playing poker with fellow former child stars like Greg Brady and Screech.

While auditioning for a Rob Reiner film, Reiner himself explains the problem with Dickie’s acting skills: Having been a child star, he missed out on having a childhood. He’s never lived a normal life. How, then, could he be expected to play a fully realized, dynamic character in a film? (The same could be said for Spade himself, though I’m not sure what kind of childhood he had. I think he may simply be a bad actor.)

So Dickie hires an average suburban family to be his foster family for a month, to give him the childhood experiences he never had, so that he can get the movie part. The wife, Grace (Mary McCormack), rightly observes that this is the stupidest idea ever conceived, and her children, Sally (Jenna Boyd) and Sam (Scott Terra), agree. Only the dad, George (Craig Bierko) — a fan of Dickie’s old TV show — sees any value in it, that value being the $20,000 Dickie is paying them.

Ultimately, everyone learns lessons from each other. Dickie learns how to be a real person, and Grace learns how to be more obnoxious. (I didn’t say the lessons were useful.) In the meantime, the film constantly feels like it’s in the expository stage, just about to really take off — and then it never does. It feels like one big set up for a joke that never gets told. Instead, there are constant attempts to tug at our heart strings, leading up to a finale that is so unbelievable and absurd as to be maddening.

The best part of this unfunny, wearying film is the closing credits. During them, an ensemble of former child stars sings a song, “We are the World”-style, about their travails. The song is not especially funny — it’s just a lot of variations on “If one more person calls me ‘Tootie,’ I’m going to go ballistic” — but it’s delightfully nostalgic to see so many real stars assembled together. Those of us who grew up on TV will rejoice at seeing four Bradys, three “What’s Happening!!” stars and many others all in one place. What must they have discussed? What memories were shared? Did Wally from “Leave It to Beaver” have anything to say to Nicholas from “Eight Is Enough,” for example?

It doesn’t even matter that they’re appearing at the end of an extremely bad film. I doubt they particularly wanted the exposure; they probably just thought it would be fun to have a reunion of former child stars. If only the film itself had captured just a hint of that kind of merriment, it might have been better.

Zero Day

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Ben Coccio’s “Zero Day” will forever be paired with Gus van Sant’s “Elephant,” the higher-profile and slightly better film that was also released in 2003 and dealt with high school shootings. The pairs of films that coincidentally deal with similar subjects used to be far-fetched and escapist, like “Dante’s Peak” and “Volcano” in 1997, and “Armageddon” and “Deep Impact” in 1998. Now they’re about kids killing each other, and based on true stories. Yikes.

“Zero Day” makes an excellent companion piece to “Elephant.” Both use regular kids rather than actors, giving each film a distinctly realistic feel. But while “Elephant” was a fictionalized account of Columbine, “Zero Day” is about two boys’ Columbine copycat plan — a response to Columbine, rather than a recreation of it.

As such, “Zero Day” has an aura of suspense about it that couldn’t exist in a based-on-a-true-story film, since we know how those are going to end. The finale of “Zero Day” is not a foregone conclusion: They could be caught, or talked out of it, or or they could change their minds before their plan comes to fruition. Though our gut tells us it’s unlikely, we hope for a happy ending. If it goes the way we’re afraid it’s going to go, it’s going to be bad.

In an unnamed New York town live high school seniors Cal (Calvin Robertson) and Andre (Andre Keuck). They have been friends for an unspecified length of time, but when we meet them, they have already made elaborate plans to murder as much of their high school as possible. The date is not set, because to do so would increase their risk of being found out beforehand. Instead, they’ve decided to act the first day that the temperature falls to exactly zero degrees. They also have not issued manifestos or posted Web sites, for that is also how students get caught. When Cal, the meeker of the two, reads a militaristic poem at a local poetry reading, Andre is furious with him, fearing people will now be suspicious of them. They are nothing if not methodical.

Calling themselves the “army of two,” Cal and Andre record themselves in a video diary for several months, the tapes of which are stored in a safety deposit box to prevent them being found before Zero Day. This gives the film its most interesting conceit: The entire movie consists of footage shot by the actors themselves. I know of only two other films that have done this, “The Blair Witch Project” (1999) and a French film called “My Life on Ice” (2002), which has played at some American film festivals. The effect, as you can imagine (or as you know if you’ve seen either of those), is one of stark realism. The only thing about “Zero Day” that suggests it’s not actually a compilation of tapes left by two teenage assassins is the closing credits, where we see their real last names.

The acting is extraordinarily unforced and uncontrived. The boys speak in the guarded, irony-laced tones of teenage boys, stumble over lines (none of which seem like “lines,” of course) and behave completely naturally. Cal, more a follower than a leader, is glib and funny, though his charm has evidently not prevented him from being an outsider among his peers. Andre, more serious and vitriolic and clearly the mastermind, tells the camera that people shouldn’t bother looking for “reasons” why he and Cal did this. There are no reasons; it’s just what had to happen, he says. “You can’t cure somebody who has nothing wrong with him,” Cal adds.

That may be the most unsettling element of this troubling film, the idea that kids are capable of this sort of evil without any obvious provocation. Is it a product of our times? Teenagers throughout history have thought they were smarter than they were, of course — but today, they actually have the resources to help them enact their misguided beliefs.

Cal and Andre appear normal, yet they plan this monstrous attack. What’s scariest is that we believe it. We don’t think, “No kids that normal and relatively well-adjusted would do that!” We’ve seen the news, we know what people are capable of. Nothing surprises us anymore.

The film has an epilogue of sorts that doesn’t really work and that feels unnecessary. There’s a specific moment prior to it where the film ought to have ended for a much more powerful, haunting effect. Still, as it is, “Zero Day” is gripping, compelling work. It feels pulled from real life, and nowadays real life is the most frightening thing there is.

Jeepers Creepers 2

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The first part of this review will be about the movie “Jeepers Creepers 2,” and only about the movie. The second part will address some external factors that may color one’s view of the film and that have been weighing heavily upon me.

First, the movie. It is a sequel to the mildly successful 2001 horror film in which two teens, a brother and sister, flee a man-eating monster that uses its victims’ body parts to replace its own as they wear out, thus giving itself immortality. “Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?” is how the old song goes, and the answer here is, “I got them from that kid I killed,” which you will admit is not an especially catchy lyric for a pop song.

At any rate, the deal was that this monster awakens every 23 years and feeds for 23 days before going into hibernation again. This bit of information seemed irrelevant at the time, but in the sequel, taking place just days after the first film, it matters. For you see, it is now day 23. If those being pursued by the monster can last one more day, they will be safe.

The intended victims this time around are a team of high school basketball players. (The creature, like the film’s director, seems to prefer the flesh of young boys — but I promised I would wait before getting into that, didn’t I?) The boys, fresh off a state championship, are returning home by bus, traveling with a school newspaper reporter, a couple coaches, some cheerleaders, the whole entourage.

Then they get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, and then it gets dark, and then the winged monster starts swooping in from out of nowhere and carrying them off one by one. Do the remaining students stay on the bus, where it’s relatively safe but where they have no way of summoning help, or do they make a break for the farmhouse that must surely be down the road?

Writer/director Victor Salva (who pulled the same double-duty on the first film) is a student of horror films and has demonstrated in his “Jeepers Creepers” series that he knows a cliché and how to avoid it. The result is that the “JC” movies are several degrees less loathsome than your average teenage slasher flick, even if that’s what they really are at heart.

What Salva forgets, though, is that the less you see a monster, the scarier it is. The earlier film kept the creature mostly hidden until the last couple reels — which is when the film became significantly less frightening, too. This time around, the monster is highly visible right from the start. We see him way too much, up close too often, and we grow too accustomed to his ghastly, fearsome face.

Salva does know the value of a good claustrophobic setting, though. Being hunted by a monster is scary enough; being hunted while trapped in a small space like a school bus is even better. There are many quiet, suspenseful moments, and more than a few thrilling surprise attacks. The special effects are universally seamless and organic: You don’t notice them, and that’s impressive.

I have not mentioned the cast. Nothing against them, but they’re not very memorable. The characters are a little more fleshed-out than usual, but I still had trouble telling many of them apart. Ray Wise plays a father bent on revenge after his son was abducted by the monster in the film’s prologue, and I guess the lead student would be Scott, played as an arrogant sore winner (he didn’t get enough time on the court, apparently) by Eric Nenninger.

Salva used a psychic to tell us the story in the first film; this time one of the girls on the bus, named, improbably, Minxie (Nicki Lynn Aycox), has some prophetic dreams that give her the low-down. Admittedly, it would be hard for the kids to learn about the monster and its 23-day feeding cycle otherwise, since they’re stuck on a bus with no outside communication. But couldn’t one of the students have heard the legend before? For that matter, do they even need to know? With or without intricate details about the monster, their strategy is the same: Don’t let it eat you.

Aside from a ridiculous epilogue, the film offers enough chills and adventure to sustain itself. It is a genre picture, for sure, but a reasonably good one.

Then there is the matter of Victor Salva himself. In 1988, he confessed to having sexually molested a 12-year-old boy. When Salva’s film “Powder” was released in 1995, the boy staged public protests against Salva and Disney (which released the film), saying audiences should not support a man who had been a child molester.

My position, generally, is that a director or actor’s real life should have no bearing on how one views his films. It is unfair to judge a movie on anything other than the movie itself. If you’re going to allow factors like an actor’s private life or a director’s criminal record to determine whether the movie is good or not, then you might as well also factor in things like the temperature in the theater and the quality of the popcorn.

That said, Salva doesn’t do himself any favors by taking every possible opportunity to photograph his young, smooth male actors with their shirts off. On its own, it’s absurd, perhaps even amusing, to see the teens go topless so often; but knowing Salva’s past and what surely prompted such costuming methods, it’s creepy. The creature’s attitude toward the young men — leering at them, choosing his favorites, even licking its lips — is all the more unsettling if one compares the monster’s fondness for the boys to Salva’s.

If I were guilty of Salva’s crimes, and if I were truly sorry for my actions, I would take every precaution thereafter to manifest to the world my reformation and repentance. I wouldn’t allow anything to appear in my work that would give skeptics fuel for believing I was the same old lech I had been before.

Salva is either outrageously ignorant of public perception, or else he is flipping us all off. “Yeah, I like to look at young-looking men with their shirts off,” he seems to say. “What are you going to do about it?”

The answer to that question is up to the individual. I can recommend the film on its own merits as a competently made, relatively scary horror flick. The writer/director’s attitude and history don’t necessarily have to play a part in one’s decision to see or not see the movie. It’s just something to think about.

The Legend of Johnny Lingo

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Strictly speaking, “The Legend of Johnny Lingo” is not a “Mormon movie.” Its director and producers are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but the film itself has nothing to do with the religion.

But its primary financial backer is Morinda, Inc., the Orem, Utah-based makers of Tahitian Noni Juice, one of those health drinks that you buy through distributors (rather than at stores, where reputable drinks are sold).

And the concept, while based on a 1962 short story, is nonetheless only known to anyone today because the LDS Church produced a 24-minute film version in 1969 that has since become a part of Mormon popular culture. Non-Mormons probably have no interest whatsoever in the new film, but take my word for it, the Mormons are curious to see the kitschy old fable re-created on the big screen.

They’d be better off viewing the old short. The feature-length version is, not surprisingly, too long — why take 90 minutes to tell a story that can be successfully told in 24? — and manages to obscure the one thing the original had going for it: its uplifting message about self-worth.

The story is of a South Pacific island a century or so ago on whose shore an abandoned infant washes up. The boy is named Tama (Tausani Simei-Barton) and bounces from family to family, seeming to bring trouble with him wherever he goes. His one friend is Mahana (Fokikovi Soakimi), an unpopular, unattractive girl whose father is an alcoholic and always has debris in his hair. The kids enjoy a chaste, “Blue Lagoon” sort of young romance, but Tama ultimately leaves the island, promising to return someday for Mahana.

In his travels, he runs into a jovial fellow called Johnny Lingo (George Henare), who teaches Tama (played as an adult by Joe Falou) how to be a successful trader. Eventually, Tama — who assumes the title of Johnny Lingo when the other one dies — uses this knowledge to obtain a wife.

It is far afield from the original film, and from Patricia McGerr’s short story. In those versions, Johnny has no backstory; he is simply a handsome, sought-after bachelor who arrives on the island to bargain for a wife. He does this in the new version, too, but Mahana’s subsequent transformation is not nearly as striking, nor the theme of self-worth as well-pronounced.

Steven Ramirez, heretofore primarily a film editor, displays basic proficiency in his directorial debut. His actors’ performances in this Polynesian Cinderella story are average and mostly likable, though none of them really stands out. It’s not a bad film, and it has a certain sweetness to it. It’s just so unnecessary, that’s all. Giving Johnny and Mahana a backstory waters down the movie’s impact, rather than enhancing it.

As a side note, the film contains no fewer than four by-name references to noni juice, always accompanied by a positive appraisal of the drink. The reason, of course, is to boost consumer interest in the product, since Tahitian Noni Juice, you will recall, is a sponsor. In my case, the attempt has backfired, as the references are so annoying and obvious that they solidified my determination never to drink the vile liquid again.

Darkness Falls

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When the electricity went out last week in the eastern United States and parts of Canada, the world was stunned: Canada had electricity?!

Ha ha, I kid Canada, regularly, and often cruelly. In truth, the blackout was a sobering reminder that, even in whatever century this is (23rd? 24th?), technology will sometimes fail us. Have we as a society become too complacent? Are we too reliant on the conveniences of modern life? Would we all benefit from simplifying our lives and getting back to basics?

Of course not. What, are you insane? This wasn’t some ultra-high-tech modern luxury like a nuclear-powered bathtub or a cordless elbow massager. This was ELECTRICITY. We NEED that. It’s like air or water or pants.

Yet for a day or so, millions of people were thrown back to the dark ages after large voltage fluctuations caused transmission lines in a major power grid to — oh, forget it. I don’t understand it, either. I don’t know where electricity comes from, nor how it is stored, nor how it is transported. All previous attempts to explain it to me have failed. (In the same category: how radio works, how airplanes fly, and where babies come from.)

At any rate, when the power did go out, Americans were ready to help however they could. Knowing that the Red Cross’ supply of donated electricity would be depleted quickly, thousands of people in neighboring states went to their local chapters to donate. This newly acquired electricity was immediately shipped to the afflicted areas (I don’t know how; did storks carry it?), where it helped restore air-conditioning to dozens of homes and offices. Some citizens were so charitable, in fact, that the Red Cross had to remind them that one can only safely donate electricity once every six weeks. It is heartwarming to see how unified Americans can be in a time of crisis, and when they’re not busy stabbing one another.

It does make one reflect on how far we’ve advanced. Why, 125 years ago, if you had complained about the “electricity” going out, people would have thought you were insane and either burned you at the stake as a witch, or sent you to Washington to receive punishment from President Jefferson himself.

I see how I’ve advanced just in the past six months. Not only can I not imagine watching TV without TiVo, I actually can’t imagine LIVING without TiVo. Yet six months ago, I did just that. If there were a TiVo outage now — well, I don’t even like to think about it. Let’s think pleasant thoughts.

The power was out over a huge chunk of the country, but the TV news focused on New York City, since New York City is the most important place in the universe. Unfortunately, the reporters missed a fantastic opportunity: They should have made fun of New Yorkers, since they knew none of them would be watching.

ANCHOR: We take you now to Wes, reporting live from a darkened Times Square. Wes?
REPORTER: Yes, Skip, as you can see, there’s no light in Times Square, which is just as well, because have you ever noticed how ugly New Yorkers are?
ANCHOR: I have, Wes. They’re even uglier when they’re running around and sobbing like babies, like they are now.
REPORTER: That’s right, Skip. More on this later.

It did not take long for President Bush to address the issue (the issue of the blackout, not ugly New Yorkers). He came out strongly in favor of electricity and was not happy about the blackout, because it meant, as he put it, “Now I’ll have to watch TV in the dark,” which is an old joke, but I still like it.

Oddly, some were criticizing Bush for the trouble. The anti-Bushes said it was his fault for not mandating that the power system be modernized sooner, while the pro-Bushes said any problems must be left over from Clinton’s party-oriented administration. I don’t know who’s right; it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is. The important thing is that Canada’s toaster oven is up and running again.

My Boss’s Daughter

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What “My Boss’s Daughter” fails to understand about comedy is that the audience cannot laugh when it is too busy being frustrated at how stupid the characters are. If a problem has an easy solution that is ignored in favor of wacky hijinks, we are not amused; we are irritated that the morons on the screen didn’t take the simple steps necessary to fix the problem.

Case in point: Early on, young publishing-firm researcher Tom Stansfield (Ashton Kutcher) is riding the subway when he sees the object of his affection. It is Lisa Taylor (Tara Reid), unobtainable because she is a) gorgeous and b) the daughter of Tom’s cruel boss, Jack (Terence Stamp). He finally gets up the nerve to go talk to her, and when he does, the abandoned briefcase he has recently found and is now carrying around as though it were his falls open to reveal a gay porn magazine.

Put yourself in his shoes. Being a creature capable of thought, you would say, “Oh my gosh, how embarrassing! This isn’t my briefcase. I just found it. Look, there must be some papers in here … ah, see, here’s the name of the guy whose briefcase it is. See? Not mine. I’m not gay.” Then you both share a hearty laugh about the situation and maybe make out.

But not Tom. No, Tom just sort of stammers and doesn’t know what to do, and therefore does nothing, leaving Lisa with the perfectly understandable impression that Tom is gay. (Actually, one could get that impression just from observing how much makeup Ashton Kutcher wears. Gay porn need not even enter the equation.)

There is much of that sort of “Three’s Company”-style faux-wackiness in “My Boss’s Daughter,” with uninvited houseguests tracking impossible amounts of mud into a pristine house, behaving more boorishly than is humanly possible, allowing pet owls to ingest cocaine and then escape — you know, the usual desperate levity you get from a new writer (David Dorfman) and a fast-fading director (David Zucker, a long way from “Airplane!”).

The plot involves Tom housesitting for Jack while he’s away, in an attempt to get closer to Lisa, who it turns out is going to be gone, too. Molly Shannon plays a newly fired secretary who shows up wanting justice, and Andy Richter — yes, heaven help us, Andy Richter — plays Lisa’s deadbeat brother. There’s a drug deal gone awry, too, of course; that’s what happens in houses that are supposed to be kept in mint condition while their owners are away.

I confess to laughing a few times, mostly at Molly Shannon’s odd, distracted way of delivering her lines. But I was annoyed more often than I was entertained. The humor is unfocused and scattershot, attempting pitch-black comedy about suicide one minute and vaudevillian comedy of errors the next. The film also contains a nude shot of Andy Richter’s rear end. Surely you do not need any more convincing than that to stay away.

Thirteen

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Evan Rachel Wood’s performance in “Thirteen” is far better than “Thirteen” is. She plays a middle school student named Tracy who is in the painful stage between childhood and adolescence, just learning how to be a woman and doing it all wrong, particularly due to having the wrong person mentoring her. Wood, who is 14, is absolutely fearless in her portrayal of pubescent angst, piercing the film with emotion that is absolutely convincing.

The film, alas, is not as good. Directed by first-timer Catherine Harwicke, it casts about for solid footing and is unable to locate it. The setting is L.A., where society’s skewed view of how women ought to be is visible on every billboard and signpost, and that theme is examined very briefly as a factor of Tracy’s behavior. Much greater attention, however, is paid to Tracy’s friend Evie (Nikki Reed, who co-wrote the screenplay, incredibly), a rootless, amoral “bad girl” who soon has Tracy acting, thinking and dressing just like her. Sex, drugs and stealing are all part of Evie and Tracy’s lifestyle, as Tracy’s mother Melanie (Holly Hunter, playing yet another put-upon single mom) looks on in distress.

All of this is well and good, but what’s the point? If it’s a story about the dangerous influence of evil friends — “Tracy was playing with Barbies before Evie came along!” Melanie yells during a catfight royale with Evie’s useless foster parent — then why the overriding emphasis on Tracy’s emotions? The implication starts to be that Tracy would have gone this way anyway, or at least that this is fairly typical rite-of-passage stuff for young girls — in which case, what purpose does Evie serve in the movie at all? Characters who function only as catalysts don’t generally warrant this much screen time.

In the end, I suspect we’ve been given an accurate representation of the brattiness, rebellion and overwhelming emotion that comes with being a 13-year-old girl. The question is what we, or any of the characters, have learned about it. We’ve been through an ordeal — and one thrillingly acted by Wood — but why?

The Medallion

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The fun of a Jackie Chan film is seeing him do things that look impossible, but knowing he’s really doing them. Once he starts performing feats that are actually ARE impossible, aided by wires and digital effects, the fun evaporates. Ironically, a superhero Jackie is less super than regular Jackie.

That’s the mistake “The Tuxedo” made last year, putting him in a magic suit that gave him supernatural powers and masking his real abilities with fake, movie-made ones. And it’s a mistake repeated in “The Medallion,” in which he gains strength from, you guessed it, a medallion. The title trinket is an ancient object — the “Holy Grail of Eastern mythology,” someone says — that, when its two halves are joined by the Chosen One, can grant immortality and super strength.

Chan plays Eddie Yang, a Hong Kong cop who works with Interpol to track down a bad guy named Snakehead (Julian Sands). Snakehead has kidnapped the Chosen One, Jai (Alexander Bao), and wants to use the medallion for his own purposes. Snakehead also has a castle fortress on an island, which I thought only PARODIES of bad guys had nowadays, but perhaps they are coming back into vogue for serious evil villains, too.

Eddie winds up being immortalized by the medallion, as does Snakehead, which leads to the film’s one cool supernatural fight sequence, set in a forest and packed with explosive energy. Otherwise, the fighting is fairly standard, though Chan does get a few scenes to do his trademark fancy footwork, impressive as always.

Claire Forlani is along for the ride as a beautiful Interpol agent whose obligation is to fall in love with Eddie. They are supervised by Watson, a bumbling agent played without a hint of talent by Lee Evans. It is a case where the director has said, “Lee, do whatever you want! Just be silly and crazy!” And Lee has tried, yet has succeeded only in being an irritant.

The screenplay, credited to five people, is a mess. In one scene, a character is revealed to have been a secret agent all along, yet that fact is never again referred to or resolved. Elsewhere, Eddie and Watson have a quarrel about their cop partnership, using phraseology that makes it sound like they’re discussing a romantic relationship — a double-entendre bit that was old when “Three’s Company” used it in every episode 20 years ago, and which was still old when “Bad Boys II” did it a month ago.

The director is Gordon Chan (no relation to Jackie), a Hong Kong action director making his English-language debut. (Some scenes were obviously shot in Chinese and dubbed into English, though.) He needs an American hit; this won’t be it. He overplays every joke, and most of the jokes are low and sophomoric to begin with.

Jackie Chan, meanwhile, has yet to prove his worth when he’s not co-starring with someone like Chris Tucker or Owen Wilson, or re-releasing a 10-year-old film with new English dialogue. “The Tuxedo” was his first stab at it, and that failed. “The Medallion” is slightly better, but it’s still a hackneyed, mediocre offering with little to remind fans of why they like Jackie.

Wimp Daddy

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I’m not what you’d call a hardy individual, even if that were a word you used regularly. Physically, I am soft and spongy. If you were to grip my neck firmly and exert only a slight amount of pressure, you could snap my head off. I pay for a gym membership each month but refuse to exercise on the grounds that my money is already attending the gym and that should be enough. I cannot endure any degree of physical trauma beyond that of sneezing, and even that often leaves me winded and in need of consoling.

Several things recently have caused me to reflect upon my non-hardy nature. For example, last week, someone snapped my head off.

No, I kid. A few months ago, I was flying somewhere on JetBlue and heard them make this announcement just before takeoff: “The cockpit door has been locked and can only be opened by the pilot from the inside.” This is, I gather, to discourage would-be hijackers from attempting to take command of the aircraft, because doing so would require persuading the pilot to open the door first. It’s along the same lines as the signs you see at convenience stores that say, basically, “The cashier doesn’t know how to get into the safe, so don’t bother trying to rob us.” (In truth, of course, the cashiers do know the combination. Don’t let some stupid sign stop you from getting what you want!)

I considered what a terrorist would have to do to get me to open the cockpit door, and I realized I would make a very bad pilot, because he would probably only have to offer me candy. The threat of physical harm coming to me or the people under my care would make me waver, and then a Butterfinger would seal the deal. For this reason, I am going on the record now as saying I should not be permitted to fly commercial aircraft, no matter what the circumstances.

Then we had that war thing in Iraq, and I was impressed with the courage it must take to be a soldier. I love my country (America), and I’d like to think I could fight and kill and die to preserve it if I had to. But let’s be realistic here: There’s no way I would make it past basic training. All that running, and the drill sergeants yelling at you all the time, and the sweating — good heavens, the sweating! — I would be dead within a week, and I would probably take others with me. As patriotic as I am, I’m afraid that patriotism will mostly have to take the form of buying American products and watching John Wayne movies.

And then I got sick. It was a big-time flu-like virus that knocked me out of commission for a week. Except for the occasional one- or two-day cold, I hadn’t been this sick, for this long, since I was in high school, when I missed my 10th grade finals due to having strep throat and tonsils the size of canned hams. This time, my symptoms were plentiful and mighty.

Now, the thing is, even when it’s just a cold, it affects me more than it affects normal people, because of the aforementioned wimpiness. Here to testify to this fact is Luscious Malone (names have been changed), a woman who has been my friend through it all, always on hand to tell me that what I’m doing is incorrect. At my request, she wrote this testimonial:

“As long as I’ve known Eric, he’s had several brushes with death — or colds, as they are commonly known. Eric’s episodes usually start slow and then keep him in bed for days (just like our first date). [She’s kidding, folks.]

“The key to Eric’s colds is the fact that each time he gets sick, he’s apparently never heard of a cold and has no clue what to do or what remedy to seek. Most of his colds start with confusion — he can’t understand why he feels ‘icky’ and his throat hurts and his nose is running — what on EARTH is happening?!

“Once he figures out that it’s a cold, the whining begins. Anyone who listens gets a full detailed description of what hurts, and how much it hurts, and that it has hurt for a long time. Then, all work must cease, any social obligations must be canceled. He cannot venture out into the world, because he ‘doesn’t have the strength,’ which he pronounces ‘strenth,’ because he’s too weak to pronounce the ‘g.’

“His self-imposed quarantine is only broken to buy medicine, which is equally painful to diagnosing the cold. Descriptions on medicine boxes simply add to the fatigue and he ends up having to be put into a cart and wheeled out of Wal-Mart, hoping that Sudafed and Swedish fish will help. Once home he stays in the same pair of snappy but unwashed jammies until the cold has passed.

“I hereby certify that Eric is a big, fat weenie when he gets sick, but I would nurse his fevered brow anytime he asks, assuming he removes the restraining order.”

So there you have it. A first-hand account of my physical and emotional uselessness. I’m sure you can see, Your Honor, why I could not possibly have stolen that pipe organ from that church.

Freddy vs. Jason

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Between them, the “Friday the 13th” and “Nightmare on Elm Street” series have produced 17 movies — and “Freddy vs. Jason” is better than all of them.

I say that as a person who has viewed each of those 17 films and found little to admire. They are, most of them, bad movies. They are seldom suspenseful, the acting and dialogue are uniformly bad, and there is little regard for continuity. (Jason gets cremated in one film, then has his un-cremated body dug up in the next, etc.) I suspect most of the people who enjoy them do so ironically — they like how bad they are, giggling at the predictability and audacious bloodletting while knowing, in the back of their minds, that it’s all a pretty sorry excuse for a movie.

Personally, I enjoy watching bad horror movies, but I do so knowing they’re bad. I like to make fun of them. I like to laugh at the hare-brained ideas some filmmakers have come up with and thought were good. Culturally, I’m interested in examining how these two merciless personifications of pure evil, Freddy and Jason, have become something like heroes, the demons we love to hate.

And so along comes “Freddy vs. Jason,” fulfilling many dreams of many fan-boys, and probably not disappointing them. Make no mistake, this will not win an Oscar, nor will it convince those who are not fans of the slasher genre to broaden their interests. On the contrary, it wisely seeks only to entertain those who are already interested in a movie about two supernaturally powered serial killers who fight each other. It sticks to its source material, remains loyal to its fan base, and thus succeeds. There is no need to reinvent the wheel when adding a few bells and whistles is enough to make the wheel seem new.

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), you will recall, is the pederast who was burned alive years ago by angry parents and who subsequently returned to murder their children in their dreams. Whatever Freddy does to you in a dream, it happens to you for real, which means maybe you wake up with slash marks, or maybe you don’t wake up at all.

At present, the town of Springwood (heh heh) has not been afflicted with Freddy for a while. The grownups have succeeded in getting their children to forget about him, and if no one’s afraid of Freddy, Freddy has no power. (It is the same way with Sean Hannity.) So he resurrects Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger), the silent, hockey-masked killer of the “Friday the 13th” series, and sends him to Springwood to do a little slashy-slashy. Some grisly, unexplained murders will surely get people talking about Freddy again, and that will start the fear a-pumpin’ in the veins of the local teens.

The manner in which Freddy resurrects Jason is amusing. Mr. Krueger appears in Jason’s dream as his mom, telling her boy that he can’t be killed, and that he therefore should stop being dead, arise from hell, and get back to work. We knew Jason was stupid; apparently, he is SO stupid, he got killed only because he forgot getting killed was impossible. A man this dumb, immortal or not, ought to be easy to escape from.

Jason shows up on Elm Street, at the very house where the troubles began in 1984. A ribald, liquor-fueled teen gathering is afoot, featuring the sort of loathsome teens the “Friday” films are known for, the kind who make you glad when Jason shows up and murders them. Among our cast: Lori (Monica Keena), whose boyfriend mysteriously disappeared four years ago, right around the time her mom was killed, possibly by her dad; Kia (Kelly Rowland), who, despite being named after a Korean automobile, is African-American and SASSY!; Gibb (Katharine Isabelle), a budding alcoholic whose primary goal is to have sex with her boyfriend a lot; her boyfriend, Trey (Jesse Hutch), a Neanderthal who yells at Gibb a lot and will therefore be first to die; and Blake, Trey’s friend, sort of a nice guy and interested in Lori.

Some of these people get killed fairly early on, and so later, we have to deal with a whole different set of teens, including Lori’s long-lost boyfriend Will (Jason Ritter), who busts out of the mental institution he’s been in to warn everyone that Freddy might be back — which of course is just the sort of panic-inspiring word-of-mouth Freddy was hoping for. Nice work, Will.

Freddy’s plan works, and he regains power. The problem? Now Jason won’t leave. He’s an unstoppable killing machine (someone actually uses that phrase), and there’s no way he can stop after just one murder. (It’s the same way with Sean Hannity.)

In one deliciously morbid moment, Freddy is about to kill a girl in her dream, only to have her disappear on him. Why? Because Jason has killed her first, in the real world, while she slept.

First-time writers Mark Swift and Damian Shannon deftly weave the two franchises’ mythologies together; “Freddy vs. Jason” works as a “Nightmare” AND as a “Friday.” Freddy turns dreams into dark, foggy nightmares and makes wicked post-kill quips, and Jason is as fond as ever of crashing parties and finding bold new ways of murdering teens who have just had sex.

There’s a highly entertaining sequence in a cornfield rave party, in which Jason is doused in Everclear then set ablaze. People on fire = funny.

The film’s major fault is in having too much plot, which I suspect is overcompensation for the other 17 installments, which had almost none. Subplots involving Lori’s dead mother and a conspiracy at the local asylum are irrelevant and unhelpful.

But it all builds up to a fever pitch of wicked, macabre action that, directed by Ronny Yu (“Bride of Chucky”), is as ghoulishly funny as it is exciting. The impressive special effects add to the thrill of seeing two horror icons battle it out.

If this isn’t your thing, don’t bother with it. But if you ever saw and enjoyed a Freddy or Jason film, this should be a bloody, grotesque delight.

Uptown Girls

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“Uptown Girls” is a bewildering film. It would appear to be a syrupy, female version of “About a Boy,” in which an irresponsible, terminally unemployed grownup is taught important life lessons through a friendship with a precocious youngster. But it turns out to be more somber than that, the sort of film that shuffles along sleepily, dazedly, barely aware of what it’s doing and hardly caring whether the audience is still following it or not. I was wide awake for the entire movie, but I emerged from it feeling disoriented and logy, like I’d just had a nap.

Brittany Murphy plays Molly Gunn, daughter of the legendary fictional rock star Tommy Gunn, who died years ago, leaving Molly set for life in a swanky Manhattan suite. Now, however, on the eve of her 22nd birthday, Dad’s accountant has fled the country with all of Molly’s money, leaving her penniless and jobless. She has not worked a day in her life and seems unfamiliar with the concept, but her devoted friends do their best to get her on her feet.

She winds up working as a nanny for 8-year-old Ray Schleine (Dakota Fanning), an obsessive-compulsive miniature grownup whose mother (Heather Locklear) is a music executive with no time for motherhood. Ray disapproves of Molly’s immaturity; Molly is mortified at how Ray has removed all the fun from childhood. Surely they will together learn much about the ways of the world.

For the most part, it’s useless, watered-down comedy on the level of Molly opening an over-stuffed closet and winding up under an avalanche of junk. (For some reason, every time this gag appears on film, it is a pile of shoeboxes. Who keeps that many shoeboxes stacked in a closet?) Later, we are treated to the shopworn classic of borrowing a handkerchief to blow one’s nose, doing so loudly and wetly, attempting to return the hankie to its owner, and being told, “No, you keep it.” I was astonished that this bit actually garnered a laugh from a gentleman seated near me. Is it possible this man had never before seen a motion picture or television show and thus was not familiar with the gag? The mind reels.

At any rate, the comedy is weak, but harmless. It is the film’s plot devices, sudden reversals of tone and illogical leaps that brand it the work of amateurs (three writers are credited).

For example, Molly meets up-and-coming musician Neil (Jesse Spencer) and throws herself at him embarrassingly, presumably for laughs, though it is hard to appreciate the humor when the person is behaving so out-of-character. Neil has taken a Morrissey-esque vow of celibacy, which Molly quickly breaks him of. Next thing you know, Neil is telling Molly they can’t see each other anymore, and the trouble with this is, they never WERE seeing each other. Evidently, the screenwriters were familiar with “we can’t see each other anymore” scenes from good movies they’d watched, and they wanted to include one in their movie, even if it didn’t fit.

Later, Molly is strangely discourteous to her friends, for no discernible reason other than that it allows for a reconciliation scene later — again, perhaps one of the things the writers were fond of and wished to include, regardless of its belonging or not belonging.

I also wish to mention Neil’s character. He shuns Molly because she smothers him, but then uses her as a muse to write the worst pop song ever written (it’s called “Sheets of Egyptian Cotton”), but then continues to shun her, even though she proved useful.

There is also a weird “Secret Garden” feel to the whole thing, what with Ray’s comatose father living in the library and Ray being sad all the time.

Molly and Ray’s relationship is one of the film’s better aspects, but only because it is not egregiously unbelievable, thus putting it a step above all the other relationships in the movie. Brittany Murphy is a likable actress, but she must be given characters who behave more consistently and who have a purpose. Dakota Fanning, on the other hand, needs to go away until she is 18, at which point she may return and slowly work her way into films again. But she is currently too cute and precious to be tolerated by civilized human beings.

And so the film works its way up to its non-climax, when all the loose ends get wrapped up and absolutely nothing unusual or surprising happens. The end is much like the end of a dream. It’s not that the plot drove it to a finale; it’s that it simply and arbitrarily chose to end.

Grind

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Legend has it Dr. Seuss wrote “Fox in Sox” on a dare to see if he could write a book using only 120 simple words. “Grind” seems to have been written on a similar dare, to see if a coherent, entertaining screenplay could be written using only the words “dude,” “man” and “bro.”

I have exaggerated the lack of depth in the screenplay for “Grind,” but not by much. It was written by Ralph Sall, who has a couple dozen “music supervisor” credits, but is taking his first stab at writing here. I don’t recall what the music in “Clockstoppers” or “Three Kings” was like, but it surely can’t have been worse than the writing in “Grind.” This is a film that believes quality humor is humor that involves Porta-Potties tipping over and hapless teens having to clean them.

Part road comedy, part skateboard movie, this is the story of three Chicago-suburb teens, fresh out of high school, who desperately want to be professional skaters. To do so, however, one must become “sponsored,” which in these guys’ case will involve catching the attention of their skateboarding idol, Jimmy Wilson (Jason London), and getting him to recommend them.

Unable to gain an audience with the Pope-like Jimmy Wilson, the threesome does what any reasonable group of lads would do: They get summer jobs and prepare for college.

No, I kid. Obviously, they obtain a van and follow Jimmy Wilson around the country on his skating tour. They figure if they can just weasel their way into one of the venues and do some skating, Jimmy Wilson will see them and make them stars, hopefully before they are chased out by security. (The boys’ plan is not fabulously well thought-out.)

Allegedly, they are fantastic skaters and deserve to be professional at it, to the extent that anyone really “deserves” to be a professional skater. (Is anyone a professional jump-roper? Hopscotcher? Just asking.) It’s hard to say for sure, though, because every time they skate, they are filmed from the waist down, or from behind, or in some other way to obscure the fact that it’s real-life pro skaters doing the tricks, not the actors, who probably don’t skate very well.

Ah, yes. The actors. The three boys fill the roles normally prescribed in the Three-Man Buddy Comedy. You have Eric (Mike Vogel), the fairly normal, slightly level-headed guy. Then you have Dustin (Adam Brody), who is uptight and nervous. Then you have Matt (Vince Vieluf), who is wild! and crazy! and so unpredictable!, filling a role that in a bygone era might have gone to John Belushi, but which now goes to the likes of Tom Green (who makes a cameo himself, by the way).

Oh, and they apparently have a fourth friend, who I guess also wants to be a professional skateboarder, only not as bad as these three, I guess, because he’s not involved in the initial planning stages. Anyway, his name is Sweet Lou (Joey Kern), and he’s a friend to all the ladies, and he has a van.

I need to talk about Matt some more, though. You may recall Vince Vieluf as the guy who wasn’t funny in “Rat Race” (well, ONE of the guys who wasn’t funny in “Rat Race”). In this movie, though, he plumbs new depths of non-humor, basing his character entirely on the twin philosophies of 1) making a lot of goofy faces and weird noises; and 2) being an oversexed horndog freak borderline sex offender. He is spectacularly unfunny, making a film that is otherwise dull, tedious and interminable into a truly grating affair.

You know who I like, though? Adam Brody, who plays the uptight friend. He delivers a few lines well enough that they seem funny, which none of his co-stars can manage. He’s good in the new Fox series “The O.C.,” too, playing a similarly flustered, slightly nerdy character. I think he has talent.

Oh, but the rest of the movie. It’s listless and quiet, like it’s not even trying most of the time, forgetting for what seems like hours at a time that movies are supposed to have stories. It culminates in an orgy of skateboarding, filmed with only a mediocre level of ambition or skill. You’d be better off watching actual skateboarding on ESPN2, not this tiresome crap.

Open Range

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Of the 10 films in the past decade that Kevin Costner has starred in, only two have recouped their budget at the box office, and those only barely. (“Message in a Bottle” cost $30 million and made $53 million; “Tin Cup” cost $45 million and made $54 million.) After several successes early on, his career since “The Bodyguard” (1992) has consisted almost exclusively of flops.

Now, you can come up with any number of explanations for this, but the most sensible, obvious one is that the man simply cannot act. He is wooden and passionless. This has worked for the similarly challenged Keanu Reeves in the “Matrix” films, because that role needs a certain amount of detachment and obliviousness. But Costner keeps insisting on playing damaged, grieving men, or men with painful histories — characters he just isn’t equipped to play convincingly. He ought to be cast as corpses, or as furniture, not as people with complex emotions.

I bring it up because Costner’s blazing mediocrity is the only thing keeping “Open Range” from being a four-star, grade-A movie. He plays a cowboy in 1882, but everytime he says something like “nigh on 10 years” or “rustle up some grub,” I am pulled out of the film and reminded that I am watching not a real person, but an actor badly impersonating a real person.

Costner’s performance is made to seem even more acutely bland when it is compared to that of Robert Duvall; such a comparison is inevitable, because they are in almost every scene together. Duvall plays Boss Spearman, an old coot of a cattleman who, with Costner’s Charley Waite and two hired hands, leads a herd of free-grazing cattle across the American West. Duvall, who at 72 is as spry and indefatigable as many actors 25 years younger, is a force of nature as Boss. He exudes quiet determination, a certain resignation to the vagaries of frontier life, and a spark of hope for the future. There is no crack in the facade, no sign Duvall is acting; he simply IS Boss Spearman.

Boss and Charley’s two hired hands are Button (Diego Luna), a young Mexican boy they rescued from a beggar’s life in Texas, and Mose (Abraham Benrubi), a giant teddy bear of a man who never hurt anybody. While in town to pick up supplies, Mose runs afoul of the local sheriff (James Russo), who is under orders from the town’s REAL boss, wealthy rancher Denton Baxter (Michael Gambon), to give free-grazers like Boss and company as much trouble as possible.

Baxter is a new breed of cattleman, the kind who build ranches rather than leading the herd all over the land and letting them eat wherever they want. Boss is of the old school. He isn’t breaking any laws in free-grazing, but this is the Old West, and laws aren’t always a local lawman’s first priority, especially when he’s in the pocket of a powerful businessman.

Some violence occurs, and it becomes necessary for Boss and his crew to leave the cattle out on the range and head into town in search of justice. Charley, a former Civil War sharpshooter and hired gun, sees little difference between justice and vengeance, but Boss, who wears kindliness and gentility beneath his frontiersman exterior, is wiser.

Costner’s direction, like his acting, is minimalistic; with the directing, though, that’s what the film needs. It’s quiet and understated, with an elegiac (but not too somber) feel. Events simply occur; they are not heralded with fanfare, catchy editing or a loud musical score. The most pivotal action occurs with no music at all, in fact, and only as much editing as is necessary to tell the story.

The film has a 10-minute resolution following the climax, and it is there that Costner’s low-level performance becomes especially problematic. Up to that point, Boss has been so much more interesting than Charley that we believe the film is about him. Now comes the denouement, when we realize Costner thought Charley was the focus. Indeed, Craig Storper’s script (based on the novel by Lauran Paine) gives clues this was the intention all along. Charley has a speech early on detailing his questionable past, and had this been delivered with some level of commitment on the part of the actor, it may have resonated enough to keep Charley at the forefront of our concerns, not the rear.

In many ways, “Open Range” recalls the anti-violence message of Clint Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” (1992). It certainly hearkens back to the old Westerns, albeit it with bloodier violence (that being the point, of course: When a man gets shot, he really does bleed, contrary to what John Wayne films may have suggested). Fittingly, the romantic subplot involving Charley and the town doctor’s assistant Sue (Annette Bening) feels obligatory; women always seemed like afterthoughts in the Westerns of yesteryear. It doesn’t seem like a liability here so much as an homage.

Costner aside, it is a very nice film, eminently watchable and praiseworthy. Old-fashioned things like honor and trust are at play, and we as an audience are hopefully introspective enough to realize that when it comes to film entertainment, we, like Charley, often see little difference between justice and vengeance.

American Splendor

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I have never read an issue of Harvey Pekar’s “American Splendor” comic book, but the man’s reputation is impressive. Continuing the work of R. Crumb (his friend and collaborator), Pekar revolutionized the comic world, creating books without superheroes or talking animals, but instead with real people — himself, in particular — as the characters. His stories focus on the mundane aspects of everyday life, little frustrations like behind stuck behind old Jewish women in supermarket checkout lines. If “Seinfeld” had been set in Cleveland and if Jerry had been a little more misanthropic and a lot less cheerful, it would have been “American Splendor.”

The movie of that name is a witty, entertaining look at Pekar, with Paul Giamatti playing the man and the real man himself serving as narrator. The story sticks close to the facts of Pekar’s life — his dead-end job as a file clerk at the V.A. hospital, his marriage to fellow grouch and comic book aficionado Joyce Brabner (Hope Davis), his success that brought fame without money — and even turns documentary, on occasion, with face-to-face interviews with the real Harvey, Joyce, and Harvey’s friend Toby. (It is stunning to see how well the respective actors each play their characters, by the way. In particular, there’s Judah Friedlander, whose performance as Toby seems too funny to be true — until we meet the real Toby and see he really DOES talk like that.)

One bit, over-stylized to look like a sterile white movie set, shows Giamatti and Friedlander looking on as Harvey and Toby talk, and Giamatti seems genuinely fascinated. What an exciting way to present a movie! Many biopics assume their subject’s importance is a given and do little to demonstrate it to the audience, in the process omitting elements that would be key in a fictional story (rising action, climax, etc.). “American Splendor” avoids this trap, giving us plot, character development and one giggly scene after another.

The film comes from Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini, documentarians making their first foray into reality-based fiction. They react to their liberation from the restraints of documentary-making with zeal and creativity. The comic book motif appears in their visual presentation, with all-caps handwritten titles indicating time and place and the action occasionally split up into panels. A cartoon version of Harvey appears occasionally, egging him on to comic-book glory.

The cast is near-perfect, from Hope Davis’ mousy, pessimistic Joyce to James Urbaniak as an out-there Robert Crumb.

Giamatti, always a reliably funny character actor but never before given such an important lead role, absolutely shines in his performance. He captures Harvey perfectly, his grumpy, disgusted facial expression, the way his eyebrows remain furrowed even when he smiles, the self-defensive, slumped-over posture when he walks down a city street. Harvey sounds like such a dour figure, and he’s certainly cynical, but Giamatti makes him as lovable as the real guy probably is. He may be a sourpuss, but in the film, we see why: he’s desperately lonely. We feel for the guy, because we understand where his bitterness comes from.

I have almost no interest whatsoever in comic books or in Harvey Pekar’s work (though I think I may check some of it out now that I’ve seen him in action), but “American Splendor” appealed to me anyway. It’s that kind of movie, about a fascinating character, told in a light, entertaining manner, full of wit and humanity. It won the Grand Jury Prize at the 2003 Sundance Film Festival, and it’s not hard to see why.

I Can See Queerly Now

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When the Bravo cable channel announced its two new gay-themed shows — “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and “Boy Meets Boy” — network president Jeff Gaspin said, “Does this mean that Bravo is becoming a gay network? Absolutely not.”

Technically, he is correct. You could just as accurately say, “California is not becoming a state,” or “Robin Williams is not becoming hairy.” These things are already facts; the “becoming” ship sailed long ago.

Take a look at what airs regularly on Bravo: “Cirque du Soleil: Fire Within,” “Antiques Roadshow,” “Fame,” “Gay Weddings,” “Cher: The Farewell Tour” and frequent showings of “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.” If that’s not a gay network, then I have been seriously misinformed as to the qualifications necessary to be a gay network.

I’m sure Bravo will eventually come out of the closet. It will take a deep breath and say, “I’m gay.” And the other cable channels will be like, “Yeah, we know.” Comedy Central will crack some jokes and eventually be cool with it, but ESPN will stop talking to Bravo altogether. ESPN2, with its figure skating and women’s tennis, will start spending more time with Bravo, though it will have to hide that fact from ESPN, which would be very upset to realize its sister network’s orientation. A&E will remain quiet and schedule additional airings of some really manly program in a further attempt to convince people it’s not gay anymore. Maybe it will even propose marriage to Oxygen. Country Music Television will get a bunch of its buddies together and murder Bravo, subsequently telling police that Bravo had been flirting with it. This will later be the subject of a Lifetime movie.

TV has had openly gay characters regularly since the 1970s, and secretly gay characters since the very beginning. (Wally Cleaver, for example, and Lassie.) But entire gay-themed shows are still fairly new, and now Bravo has upped the ante. It recently premiered the first gay dating show, “Boy Meets Boy,” along with the makeover show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” in which five homosexuals help a heterosexual man get his act together in terms of fashion, grooming and mincing. This is invariably to help the guy make his girlfriend or wife like him better, the message being that women like gay men better than straight men, which should not surprise anyone.

“Queer Eye” didn’t bother anyone too much, because it’s about gay things other than gay relationships. “Boy Meets Boy,” on the other hand, raised quite a few unplucked eyebrows. Like “The Bachelor,” it has a man winnowing a pool of suitors down to one final choice. The difference, of course, is that all the suitors are men, too. (Since this is reality TV, there has to be a perverse twist: Unbeknownst to the bachelor or their fellow suitors, an unspecified number of the guys are actually straight, pretending to be gay and competing for a cash prize. In some circles, this is known as “gay for pay.”)

The announcement of this show prompted Andrea Lafferty, executive director of the Traditional Values Coalition, to remark, “Clearly, they’ve hit a new low. What’s next after ‘Boy Meets Boy’? ‘Boy Meets Sheep’?”

Yes, Andrea. After “Boy Meets Boy” comes “Boy Meets Sheep.” It will be about a man choosing the right sheep to marry, and some of the sheep are secretly wolves, and if he chooses a wolf, it will jump out of its sheep costume and eat the man. That’s exactly right, Andrea. That show is mere months from being developed. You can tell it’s in the works because so many people have been lobbying Washington to repeal anti-animal-marrying laws, and because animal-marrying has become such a major part of our popular culture.

Andrea Lafferty strikes me as the sort of person who needs to be insulted more often. The Traditional Values Coalition Web site, www.traditionalvalues.org, is a treasure trove of unfair generalizations and one-sided arguments — which is their right, I suppose; no one ever said special-interest groups had to report all aspects of an issue. But it seems to me that if you want to rid the world of something, you ought to at least try to understand it first. How else will you know what tactics to use in eradicating it? If I wanted to eliminate all Germans, my first step would be to learn to speak German, and then to figure out what makes Germans tick. I wouldn’t BECOME German, mind you, or even dabble in German behavior. I would not eat strange spiced meats or attempt world domination. But I could at least get a sense of what they’re all about, and that would help me get rid of them. (This is merely hypothetical, of course. The Germans are free to remain living, with my blessing.)

The TVC site shows that the TVC has no intention of understanding homosexuals, or even of treating them like human beings. One article talks about a fetishist orgy being planned in California, and it is clear the writer believes the rather distasteful events planned are typical of ALL homosexuals (and that straight people never, ever have fetishes or get kinky). Another article discusses a sex toys seminar held at University of California Davis. The word “homosexual” never appears in the article, nor is there any indication that gays were the majority in attendance, yet the article appears under the heading “Homosexual Agenda.” Again, there’s TVC’s idea that if something is unusual, sexually speaking, it must be related to the gays.

They complain about the lies told by those behind the “gay agenda,” with one article’s headline saying the “homosexual propaganda campaign” is “based on Hitler’s ‘Big Lie’ technique.” But then the very next article has this headline: “Homosexual sex = death from HIV infection.” Shall we talk about propaganda, sweeping generalizations and untenable conclusions?

To be sure, there are homosexual individuals and factions who give the everyday gays a bad name. I think that somehow, the TVC has taken those to be the norm, rather than admitting that the dangerous and/or aberrant ones are the minority within the minority.

I don’t understand the concept of using hate as a tool. If you want to fight something, fight it rationally and logically, not by flinging invective all over the place. You’re more likely to win that way. But, fight fire with fire, I suppose: Andrea Lafferty, you are a hateful, narrow-minded harpie. Like you, I have a personal list of things I find morally repugnant and offensive. My list and your list actually have a lot of the same items. But the proper way to combat those things is not to manipulate facts, sling slander or belittle the opponents. I’m all for being opinionated, and for making jokes about people who disagree with you. But jokes aren’t the same thing as spiteful misrepresentations.

Andrea Lafferty, take note: They’re here, they’re queer, and you’re a jerk. Just my opinion, of course.

S.W.A.T.

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Few film genres are more devoted to their clichés than the cop flick. You have your renegade, loose-cannon cops who butt heads with their stuffy, by-the-book lieutenants, who threaten to take away their badges if they screw up again. Then their unorthodox style ends up saving the day, and the blustery commanding officer is forced to eat crow.

“S.W.A.T.” does little to reinvent the cop movie — its characters emit throaty utterances like “Gamble’s a good cop!” and “You sold me out!” just the way its forebears did — but it works within the conventions of the genre to deliver solid, reliable entertainment. Its prime directive is fun, and it never loses sight of that.

The film’s structure is similar to that of the superhero movies we’ve seen so many of lately. Lt. Dan “Hondo” Harrelson (Samuel L. Jackson), once the pride and joy of the LAPD’s Special Weapons and Tactics squad, is brought back on board to assemble a new team that can improve the LAPD’s tarnished public image. He hand-picks the best S.W.A.T. and potential S.W.A.T. officers, trains them, coaches them, and gives them sage words of counsel. At the film’s half-way point — when the heroes’ powers have been fully developed through a series of lesser crises — a villain emerges who poses their first major threat.

The villain is an international fugitive (Olivier Martinez) who publicly declares he will pay $100 million to whoever frees him while he’s being transported to federal custody. In L.A., there are a lot of criminals who would do anything for $100 million, especially if it means they get to kill some cops in the process. Havoc, needless to say, is wreaked.

The S.W.A.T. team itself is a likable brotherhood of butt-kicking, a group of men (and one woman) who walk and even speak with a swagger. Their personalities are not awfully distinct, but, led by Colin Farrell as a man trying to prove himself after being removed from S.W.A.T. six months earlier, and Michelle Rodriguez as a tough-girl single mom, they make a team the audience can root for. Inter-squad conflicts are kept to a minimum, and romance between Rodriguez and anyone else is eschewed. They need to work as a team, and they do they admirably.

The irony is that while the film is based on a 1975 TV series best remembered now for its ultra-violent content, the film is more discreet. It is filled with violence, but only because the story requires it. It never seems wanton; there is little of the “we thought it would be cool to blow something up, so here’s something blowing up” attitude prevalent in many summer films. Hondo tells his crew that S.W.A.T. is interested in life-saving, not life-taking, and the film backs him up on that. More noteworthy than the characters who die are the ones you expect to die who don’t.

The director, Clark Johnson, has worked on cop shows like “NYPD Blue,” “The Shield” and “The Wire,” and he is clearly comfortable with the gritty reality of such an endeavor. The film becomes nearly indistinguishable from countless other cop films in its last act, when the S.W.A.T. members stop using special weapons and tactics and start using regular ones, but maybe you can only do so much within the confines of a genre. “S.W.A.T.” does a lot, and has fun doing it.

Le Divorce

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While stumbling around, befuddled and confused after seeing “Le Divorce,” knowing it was intended as a comedy but failing to see what parts anyone thought would be funny, I discovered what I think may be the source of the problem.

The movie comes from the famed dull-film partnership of producer Ismail Merchant and director James Ivory (who wrote it, too, adapting Diane Johnson’s novel). The two men are 66 and 75, respectively, and maybe this makes me an ageist, but when was the last time you saw a 75-year-old man direct a movie that was truly funny?

“Le Divorce” is a tedious, unbearably slow-moving examination of the social and sexual habits of the French. Kate Hudson stars as Isabel Walker, an upper-class Californian visiting her sister in Paris. The sister, Roxy (Naomi Watts), has married a Frenchman, Charles-Henri (Melvil Poupaud), who walks out on her just as Isabel arrives. (I mean this literally: He takes her cab as she vacates it.)

No one, including Charles-Henri’s family, knows why he has left Roxy, but the answer soon becomes clear: There’s another woman, and Charles-Henri wants le divorce referred to in le title. There are a lot of “other women” in the film, and apparently in French society; before you know it, Isabel has become the mistress of Charles-Henri’s uncle (Thierry Lhermitte), even though he’s married and she’s dating a hairy French fellow her own age named Yves (Romain Duris).

At several points, the film rises up against its cruel master and attempts to introduce plot devices that will result in entertainment. There’s a painting belonging to Roxy’s family that Charles-Henri might want in the settlement that might be a lost George de la Tour piece. Also, a character makes a suicide attempt. Additionally, there’s some drama atop the Eiffel Tower. But in each instance, Ivory swiftly quashes the uprising and tamps the film back down into tepid submission. The painting angle keeps getting tossed by the wayside, the suicide attempt is quickly handled, and the Eiffel Tower thing comes late in the game and is silly anyway. Thank goodness! If any of those threads had been developed, we might have begun enjoying ourselves!

The film isn’t unfunny the way a Martin Lawrence film is unfunny, where you can tell the parts they THOUGHT would get laughs but just don’t. With this movie, I can’t even tell which parts anyone thought would be funny. Where, in the process of filming and post-production, did Ivory or Merchant ever say, “Oh, yes, that’s funny. Audiences will enjoy that”? I’m truly puzzled at the notion.

Sure, there’s the odd chuckle or smile of amusement here or there. But in all, this is far from being a comedy. It is instead a bland, ponderous drama, albeit a light one, that seems determined not to give the audience anything to latch onto. Merchant and Ivory have done it again!

Freaky Friday

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Freaky Friday

The notes I took during “Freaky Friday” begin sarcastically and gradually become softer, and are thus an accurate depiction of my feelings toward the film. It is not a movie for me, a grown man; it is for mothers and their teenage daughters. Yet I ultimately found much to like about its sincerity and warmth, not to mention its agreeable central performances.

It commences like a typical not-for-grown-men comedy, along the lines of “What a Girl Wants” or “The Lizzie McGuire Movie,” following the hectic lives of the WASP-ish Coleman family of Los Angeles. The mother, Tess (Jamie Lee Curtis), a successful but harried psychologist, is getting married this weekend to a nice, understanding fellow named Ryan (Mark Harmon). Her 15-year-old daughter, Annabell (Lindsay Lohan), has the ups-and-downs normally associated with a person in her demographic group: friend trouble, boy trouble and mom trouble, all crammed into one day. I jotted, mockingly, “For poor Anna, it’s just one thing after another! Detention TWICE in one day!”

Tess and Annabell don’t get along, of course, and Annabell delivers the obligatory “you’re ruining my life” speech at least once. Neither appreciates the difficulty of the other’s life, Tess not having walked in a teenage girl’s shoes in a couple decades, and Annabell having no desire to know what it’s like being a grownup.

Then, while dining in a Chinese restaurant, they are approached by an inscrutible, possibly malevolent, old Chinese woman. She gives them fortune cookies with a weird message, and the next morning, they awaken to find themselves in each other’s bodies. (This old Chinese woman MUST be stopped, and her powers harnessed for good.)

This is the third time Disney has made this film, after the 1976 theatrical version starring Barbara Harris and a young Jodie Foster, and a 1995 made-for-TV incarnation with Shelley Long and Gaby Hoffmann, neither of whom has been heard from much since. The new version, directed by Mark S. Waters (“Head over Heels”), benefits from an updated script by Leslie Dixon (“Pay It Forward,” “Mrs. Doubtfire”) and Heather Hach. It seems to know what real life is like, and though it strains credibility with some of its coincidence-based plot developments — good thing the band performance is next door to the wedding rehearsal dinner! — it generally does an admirable job keeping things down to earth.

Key in this is Jamie Lee Curtis, a wonderfully charismatic and likable comic actress who is equally convincing as a 40-ish mom and as a 15-year-old girl trapped in her body. She seems to be having a marvelous time, and her enthusiasm is infectious. Her interaction with Lindsay Lohan (who already did a Disney remake once, starring in 1998’s “The Parent Trap”) is surprising: Their performances and the dialogue written for them are true-to-life and honest, which greatly increases its chances of being funny. Lohan is no slouch playing a repressed mom in a girl’s body, either.

There is additional comedy in Annabell’s obnoxious little brother Harry (Ryan Malgarini) and her doddering old grandfather (Harold Gould).

The point, of course, is that Tess and Annabell come to see things from each other’s point of view and to appreciate one another’s strengths. It’s hokey, yes, but the preview audience I saw it with was full of mothers and daughters who adored it. Their passion is hard to argue with, and despite the film’s oversimplification and occasional lapses of logic, one can’t help being charmed by its genuinely sweet, good-hearted approach.

Battening down the Hatch

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Sen. “Orrin” Hatch has been on a kick lately to amend the Constitution. First he had one about making flag-burning illegal, which is a very pivotal issue because U.S. flags are being burned by protesters at an average rate of zero per day. Then he suggested we amend Article II of the Constitution, which currently says only a “natural born citizen” can be president. Hatch feels this is out-dated and that foreign-born naturalized citizens ought to have a shot at it, too.

Now, you should know up front my feelings about Hatch: I have no feelings about Hatch. I know he wrote some very bad inspirational songs with Janice Kapp Perry, who in Greek mythology was the goddess of very bad inspirational songs. I know he advocated blowing up the computers of people who download music, or something like that. I know people call him “Orrin,” which is silly, because “Orrin” isn’t even a name. Aside from that, I know little about the man or his politics.

Anyway, Hatch makes a good point about allowing foreign-born people who are now proper American citizens to be president. Why not? What’s the harm? How does being born here — an accident of fate — automatically make you more qualified than someone born elsewhere? Can’t a foreigner who has been adopted by us be as devoted to this country as a natural-born citizen? In fact, aren’t the converts sometimes even MORE devoted, because they’ve seen the other side?

The Daily Herald recently made this the subject of its online poll, and the responses were overwhelming: 89 percent said only people born here should be president. Those posting responses at HarkTheHerald.com had some even more interesting things to say. For example, one person said this:

“No, but we should amend (the Constitution) so that all foreign-born illegals may be shot on the spot.”

Did the poster really mean this, or was he just trying to cause trouble? I would have thought the latter, but I’ve lived here long enough to know that no opinion is so offensive, illogical or stupid that people won’t embrace it. Many people in Utah County dislike people from other countries, especially those who are here illegally. Well, what they ACTUALLY don’t like are people with dark skin; the fact that some are here without papers just gives them justification for hating them. (I guarantee you, illegal aliens from England or Canada don’t bother Utah Countians at all.)

The insane idiot who posted the above comment — anonymously, of course, following the tradition of all the great thinkers throughout history — was met with some resistance, but also with a disheartening amount of support.
One person pointed out that on Sept. 11, 2001, 19 illegal aliens hijacked planes and killed thousands of Americans. “Had it been legal to shoot illegals on the spot, many, many lives could have been saved,” this other insane idiot said.

A third insane idiot used this opportunity to express his or her disgust at all the “illegal Mexicans” in Utah. “This state is turning very brown and very fast,” the insane idiot said. “Do you want a Mexican to be your president?” (I don’t know; the people in Mexico don’t seem to mind.) Ironically, this insane idiot also complained about Mexicans bringing their “hatred” to our country, apparently unaware that he or she reeks of hatred so bad that you can actually smell him or her over the Internet.

Other people pointed out this possibility: Terrorists could send one of their own to America, then he could become a citizen, become president, take over the country, and KILL US ALL!!!

In theory, of course, this would be possible if foreign-born people were allowed to be president. But think, people. The person still has to be ELECTED. Very little about any candidate’s past stays hidden, especially during election campaigns. And even if the guy’s terrorist connections weren’t discovered, do you honestly think anyone with an Arabic name or ethnic look about him could ever be elected president in this country? Please. Half the country can’t even deal with the idea of a FEMALE president, let alone one who isn’t stark-white and Protestant.

The simple fact is, even if foreign-born American citizens are allowed to be president, I suspect we’re a good hundred years off from actually electing one. So this Constitutional amendment would have little impact, other than irritating the people who want to slam the borders shut, kill illegal aliens and go to war against all Muslim nations. For that reason alone, I’m for it.

Gigli

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We knew Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez could make bad movies separately, but “Gigli” demonstrates that, in a true example of synergy at work, their combined efforts can generate even more badness.

Larry Gigli (pronounced “Gee-lee”) is the name of Affleck’s character, a Jersey-born mid-level thug who works for mid-level crime boss Louis (Lenny Venito) in Los Angeles. Larry’s latest assignment is to kidnap the mentally handicapped younger brother of a federal prosecutor who’s been making trouble for Louis’ boss, in the hopes of getting the guy to play ball.

But since Larry has a penchant for screwing up Louis’ assignments, he is given a partner to keep an eye on him. She is Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), a stunning woman whose clothing always accentuates her greatest asset, who is extremely well-read and knowledgeable about psychology, and who also is a lesbian. This frustrates the ultra-macho Larry, who can’t conceive of a woman unwilling to sleep with him, let alone one smarter than he is.

And so they hole up in Larry’s apartment, taking care of the kidnapped Brian (Justin Bartha) and awaiting instructions from Louis while Larry makes irritating attempts at converting Ricki.

As you can see, the film is already fraught with peril. Ben and J-Lo have their various charms, but neither is much good at acting. Consequently, Affleck is not convincing as a Jersey tough-guy, and not once did I believe Lopez as a lesbian, a hired thug, or a person who knows big words. The acting is not bad, per se, just wrong. More blame should be placed on the director, Martin Brest (“Meet Joe Black”), for miscasting his leads, or on the writer, who is also Martin Brest, for penning such pointless, meandering dialogue.

There is also the matter of having a mentally handicapped character featured so prominently. Bartha’s performance does not cross over into “making fun” territory, but it does teeter awkwardly on the line between being funny and being sad. One doesn’t know how to react to him, which often makes viewing the film uncomfortable.

Taken as a whole, though, the presence of a difficult character is the least of this film’s problems. This is a movie that manages to keep finding new ways of being stupid, from the forced (and rather insulting) romance between Larry and Ricki, to their crass conversation about the relative values of the male and female genitalia, to the hilarious way soft music cues indicate when we’re supposed to be touched by Brian’s innocence, to Al Pacino’s one-scene foray into outrageous over-acting (a realm he is not unfamiliar with, of course). I will also mention a brief glimpse of Lainie Kazan’s thong-clad rear end.

On a more positive note, there a brief appearance by the ever-insane Christopher Walken, who brightens any film merely by entering it.

In the end, “Gigli” wants us to feel good, but that is hopeless. The plot is minimal, leaving us to watch the characters just sit around being themselves — a bad thing, since they’re all either dull or unlikable. This is a movie all about relationships and connections between people, and none of the relationships or connections come across believably. I hope Ben and J-Lo are doing a better job relating to each other in real life, or else there’s serious trouble ahead.

American Wedding

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Say what you will about the “American Pie” trilogy, but one thing is certain: The films are consistent. They are outrageously crass, vulgar and sexual, with a hint of sweetness under it all. Whether that’s good or bad is in the eye of the beholder, but at least they seem to have been cut from the same cloth. That’s more than you can say for most movie franchises.

“American Wedding,” the third and allegedly final installment in the series, finds our young heroes at the end of their college careers and about to embark on life. Hapless Jim (Jason Biggs) and the dingbatty but sexually adventurous Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are about to get married, which is cause for much celebration among themselves, their families and their friends.

Unfortunately, the friend they’d rather avoid — moronic profanity-spewer Stifler (Seann William Scott) — catches wind of the nuptials and, Eddie Haskell-style, ingratiates himself with both families. (Jim’s dad, played by the wonderful Eugene Levy, is back again, and we get to meet Michelle’s parents, including a father played by Levy’s frequent collaborator Fred Willard. Alas, Levy and Willard don’t have much time together, and Willard doesn’t get to do much at all.)

Stifler has the hots for Michelle’s upright younger sister, Cadence (January Jones), and must put on a show of gentility around her. This irritates Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas), who actually IS genteel and intelligent and would like to date Cadence himself. The Chris Klein character from the first films isn’t around, nor is his absence explained. Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is here, but he’s more or less forgotten by the screenplay.

The film is essentially one embarrassing sexual situation after another, funny as far as those things go, but not terribly rewarding. The prize is Stifler, who has always had the films’ best one-liners and who here borders on — but does not cross over into — the territory of being over-used. Much of the plot involves him, and he has the film’s single funniest sequence: a dance-off at a gay bar.
Seann William Scott’s performance is a tour de force of vulgarity. That may not seem like much to be proud of, but it involves a fair amount of proper timing, delivery and inflection. Swearing isn’t automatically funny. You have to swear just right to EARN a laugh, and Scott can do it.

Scott, alas, also has an intensely disgusting scene that for me crossed the line between being coarsely funny and being too gross to even watch, much less enjoy. You will know it when it arrives, I promise.
“American Pie” (1999) revived the teen gross-out sex comedy and is noted in the film history books for that reason. What tends to get overlooked in it all is that most of the cast members are pretty gifted comedic actors, too. The trilogy is superlative, for its genre, because no one lets the fact that they’re enacting vulgarity get in the way of turning in honest, legitimate performances.

Directed by Jesse Dylan (Bob Dylan’s son, I kid you not) and written, as were the first two films, by Adam Herz, “American Wedding” has a few fantastically written and delivered one-liners, and more than a few other amusing moments, including (of course), several more instances of food-defilement. It also has that hint of heart under the layers of sexual ribaldry, giving it a soft, likable touch.

It is, as its predecessors, not a film I can recommend generally. Its language and content will offend many, and rightly so. But for what it means to be, and what it wants to do, it is largely successful. It made me laugh very hard many times, which was surely its intention.

The Secret Lives of Dentists

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“The Secret Lives of Dentists” is adapted from a Jane Smiley novella called “The Age of Grief,” a title that says a lot more about what we’re dealing with here. The protagonist, a dentist named David Hurst (Campbell Scott), says he’s reached the age of grief, which he says is 38. That’s when your life — your family, your career, everything — has been established enough for you to love it dearly, to love it enough to grieve when fate intervenes and disrupts it.

The love of David’s life is his wife Dana (Hope Davis), whom he met in dental school and with whom he shares a practice now in upstate New York. They have three young daughters, a nice house in town and a charming cabin in the country. Their life is quiet and uneventful, even dull (they’re dentists, after all) — and utterly pleasant that way. It’s an enviable existence.

Then, the night Dana is performing in an amateur production of Verdi’s “Nabucco,” David sees her backstage kissing another man. He doesn’t know who the man is, but there’s no mistaking the nature of the kiss.

David is shocked. His response is not to respond. He does not confront Dana. Either he cannot bear to discuss it with her because he cannot bear to have it confirmed, or perhaps he simply doesn’t know what to say. In any event, he goes about his normal life — tries to, that is, while plagued with paranoid daydreams about Dana’s secret life, about where she is when she’s not with him, about what will become of their cozy nuclear family.

Throughout this, David’s constant companion is a figment of his imagination. It’s a patient of his, Slater (Denis Leary), an especially unruly gentleman whose blunt demeanor is the opposite of David’s gentility. As such, he makes a perfect alter ego, someone to hang around David’s brain and spur him on to action.

In my estimation, Campbell Scott should be on the short list for Academy Award nominees for his deceptively low-key performance here. David is quietly, calmly devastated by his suspicions of Dana’s infidelity, and his way of dealing with it — the continued devotion to his family, childishly ignoring Dana one night, entertaining sick, masochistic fantasies about his being ousted — adds up to a fantastically nuanced, deep performance. Watch him in another film — “Roger Dodger” and “The Spanish Prisoner” being his two best — and compare those characters to David Hurst. Same artist, maybe, but different colors. This is a brilliant performance, with hints of humor, rage and agony all lurking around the edges.

Directed by long-time indie filmmaker and Robert Altman protege Alan Rudolph, “The Secret Lives of Dentists” is an extraordinarily insightful, thought-provoking film. It deals with relationships generally, marriage specifically, and should give anyone who’s ever been involved with anyone else cause for reflection.

Trailer Park

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A lot of people say one of their favorite things about going to the movies is seeing the previews, or “trailers.” I’m not one of those people. I’m a movie critic: For me, about 80 percent of previews are simply harbingers of bad things to come. It’s like being told in advance how awful your job is going to be in a month.

On a recent trip to the cinema, I saw a trailer for “Uptown Girls.” This movie stars the man-voiced Brittany Murphy as the daughter of a rock star who suddenly finds herself broke and in need of a job. So she becomes a nanny, taking care of a little girl played by Dakota Fanning, whom you will recognize if you succeeded in watching “I Am Sam” without taking your own life. From what I gather, the point is that Brittany Murphy has to become a grownup, which she does through a series of syrupy Life Lesson moments. It is my fervent wish that at some point in the film, one or both of the heroines is eaten by a shark.

There was also a trailer for “Gigli,” starring Ben Affleck and his alleged fiancee, screaming Medusa Jennifer Lopez. The trailer was approximately two minutes long, yet in this time, Jennifer Lopez was referred to as “beautiful” three times. Evidently, that is the point of this movie: That Jennifer Lopez is beautiful. Any film based on such a flawed, unbelievable premise is bound to fail, in my opinion. (As is any film starring Jennifer Lopez, really.)

Then there’s “The Fighting Temptations.” The trailer shows Cuba Gooding Jr. as a small-town boy who has grown up and forsaken his small-town ways. He returns home, though, upon the death of somebody, and he learns that he will inherit $150,000 from the dead person IF he succeeds in leading the local gospel choir to some national competition. And wouldn’t you know it, the local gospel choir is currently in a state of serious disrepair! Why, ol’ Cuba’s got his work cut out for him, don’t he?!

Here is why I already hate this movie:

— It employs the Ridiculous Posthumous Request plot device, or RPR. In this case, the RPR is that Cuba has to lead a gospel choir to success. In various episodes of stupid sitcoms and in other stupid movies, you have seen RPRs where people have to stay overnight in a haunted house to get the inheritance, or a bachelor has to hurry up and get married, or whatever. I don’t know if clauses like this are allowed in wills in real life or not. If I were a lawyer, and my client were some crazy old woman who wanted to include an RPR in her will, I would nod and say, “Yes, of course, I’ll include that in the will,” and I would probably even make exaggerated pantomime gestures indicating I was writing it down, and then I wouldn’t write it down. I would just give the money to whoever the heir was, without requiring them to jump through all the hurdles. The old woman’s dead, what does she care? I’m not big on appeasing dead people, especially when they want me to do stupid things. I’M NOT YOUR LAB RAT, GRANDMA!

— It employs Cuba Gooding Jr., and refers to him as “Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr.” Here is my theory on Cuba’s Oscar: Cuba never won any Oscar. Now, I know the books will tell you he won for “Jerry Maguire,” and some people even say they remember seeing the telecast when it happened. I admit that’s some hard evidence to refute. But look at the facts: “Chill Factor,” “Men of Honor,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Rat Race,” “Snow Dogs” and “Boat Trip.” These films all occurred after “Jerry Maguire.” Surely no Oscar-winner would appear in ANY of these, let alone ALL of them!

So my theory is that Cuba launched a propaganda campaign declaring he had won an Oscar, when in fact he had not. Eventually, the lie was perpetuated so often that everyone accepted it as truth. Many people even began having false memories of the Oscar telecast when he won, the way an urban legend will circulate about something that happened on a game show years ago, and people will even start thinking they remember seeing it, when it actually never happened. I find that explanation much more plausible than the alternative, which is that Cuba actually DID win an Oscar and simply chose, thereafter, to drop his career into a toilet and press the handle.

So that’s why I prefer to linger in the lobby until the trailers are finished, then slip quietly into a seat on the aisle when the feature begins. It’s my way of remaining unaware of what dreadful things await me. If only Ben Affleck knew what was in store for him….

Masked and Anonymous

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One of the more glorious trainwrecks of Sundance 2003 was “Masked and Anonymous,” a nearly incomprehensible vanity piece starring Bob Dylan and about a million other celebrities who apparently really, really wanted to be in a film with Bob Dylan, even if the film was useless.

Look at this roster, in alphabetical order: Angela Bassett, Jeff Bridges, Penelope Cruz, Bruce Dern, John Goodman, Ed Harris, Val Kilmer, Jessica Lange, Cheech Marin, Giovanni Ribisi, Mickey Rourke, Luke Wilson. Some only make brief appearances to ramble for a while about something, with Dylan forced to stand there squintily and sort of listen. Most are only barely suppressing their glee at appearing with Dylan.

Dylan himself says little; mostly he observes. When he does talk, it’s often to say something absurd, like when someone asks him, “Where you headed?,” and he replies, “That way.” There’s a lot of enigmatic stuff like that here. You pile up enough enigmatic stuff, you’re going to have one big, senseless movie.

The story is of Dylan’s character, Jack Fate, a fading but formerly legendary folk singer who is recruited to perform a benefit concert. The concert has to do with a revolution that is taking place in what seems like the United States but which might also be a South American country.

There is very little additional plot to discuss, which probably seems strange, considering how many characters there are. John Goodman displays a certain charming energy as Uncle Sweetheart, the big, heavy-drinking man who convinces Jack to perform. Everyone else is just sort of stands around talking, saying almost nothing.

The director is Larry Charles, who directed many episodes of “Seinfeld,” which at least KNEW it was about nothing. He and Dylan allegedly wrote the film themselves, under the names Rene Fontaine and Sergei Petrov. Do the pseudonyms indicate they were aware of how boring and senseless the whole thing would turn out to be? Or is it all an elaborate joke?

I gave it another chance:

1/18/2012: Re-Views: ‘Masked and Anonymous’ (2003)

It’s the sort of nonsense that’s intriguing for about 15 minutes, simply because its incoherence approaches a surreal level. But then the novelty wears off, and it settles into being the worst thing a movie can be: boring.

Seabiscuit

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“Seabiscuit” must be the long-awaited summertime version of an Oscar hopeful. It has the fine performances and dramatic heft of a late-fall picture, but drops the self-importance and plays up the feel-goodness the way the best summer crowd-pleasers do.

Written and directed by Gary Ross (“Pleasantville”), who adapted Laura Hillenbrand’s best-selling book, “Seabiscuit” tells the true story of a Depression-era racehorse who gave Americans a hero to root for when they desperately needed one. Without much effort at all, Seabiscuit the horse can be seen as a representative of America: strong and resilient, down but not out, bent but not broken. These colors don’t run, but that horse sure does.

In fact, Seabiscuit’s owner, a media-savvy automobile tycoon named Charles Howard (Jeff Bridges), makes that connection to reporters every chance he gets. “Seabiscuit just needed a second chance,” he says. “I think a lot of people out there feel like they could use a second chance, too.” Hokey? Yeah. But Charles Howard seems to mean it sincerely, and Jeff Bridges definitely does. Give us a movie that makes us feel good about ourselves, and about the old-fashioned American values of determination and fortitude, and we’ll go anywhere you want to take us.

Tobey Maguire plays Red Pollard, Seabiscuit’s jockey. Ross is not shy in playing up the parallels between Red and Seabiscuit, and Maguire’s scenes with the horse (a 4-year-old gelding called Fighting Furarri) are sweetly moving, like two old friends hanging out together. Maguire’s quiet, bookish persona fits the role to a T: This is indeed the kind of guy who would relate better to animals than to people.

There are a number of deft touches throughout the film. Period photos and documentary-worthy narration by David McCullough (who does this sort of thing for a living), interspersed with the story, give us context and inform us of America’s mood in the 1930s. William H. Macy lends a bit of comic relief as horse racing’s foremost radio personality, and Chris Cooper gives another stalwart, subtle performance as Seabiscuit’s kind-hearted trainer. I’m also quite impressed with Gary Stevens, a real-life jockey, not an actor, who plays Red’s jockey friend George Woolf. He plays a pivotal role in one of the film’s major race sequences, and he absolutely nails it. I was surprised, in fact, just how emotionally affecting that race was.

The film wins by uplifting us. It gives us underdogs, then lets the underdogs come off victorious — the easiest, most basic way to get an audience on its feet. That’s not a criticism — I’m not saying the film panders to us or manipulates us, because it surely doesn’t — but it does mean the film may not gain “classic” status. Its message and story are wonderfully simple, and viewing the film once is a delight. If its impact is no more far-reaching than that, then at least we have a crackerjack summer drama to enjoy for two hours and 20 minutes.

Camp

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It’s the start of Camp Ovation, an upstate New York summer camp for theater students. A mousy girl approaches the prima donna and says hello.

“Is this your first year at Camp Ovation?” the prima donna asks haughtily.

“No,” is the reply. “I was here last year. Remember, we were in ”Night Mother’ together?”

If you’re enough of a theater geek to know why that’s funny — “‘Night Mother” only has two characters, so it would be pretty impressive not to remember who your co-star was — then “Camp” is the film for you. Written and directed by actor Todd Graff (this is his first time behind the camera), it’s a “Fame”-like celebration of theater geekdom, being different, and the works of Stephen Sondheim.

I don’t know how to separate myself from this film. I am a theater geek; these are my people. The fact that the kids are singing Sondheim numbers on the bus to camp — and that it’s not even Sondheim everyone knows, like “Send in the Clowns” or something from “West Side Story” — makes me giddy. The fact that Sondheim’s photo is visible on someone’s nightstand several times before it is identified in the story — and that I recognized it the moment it turned up — makes me laugh. The mousy girl who turns backstabber, poisons the prima donna and then takes over her role to sing “The Ladies Who Lunch” — that’s gold, man.

And so it is grudgingly that I acknowledge the film’s many flaws — so grudgingly, in fact, that I’m not going to do it yet. First we will address the story.

Our hero, who acts like a bastard a lot of the time, but a really likable bastard, is Vlad (Daniel Letterle), a handsome guitar player who wants to improve his acting skills. At a camp of outcasts and misfits, he stands out because he isn’t one. Back in the real world, everyone assumes, he’s pretty normal. He’s not gay, like several of the boys are, and he managed to go to his junior prom with someone who was not a relative.

He develops a friendship with Ellen (Joanna Chilcoat), who is average and nice, much to the chagrin of prima donna Jill (Alana Allen), a tramp in 15-year-old’s clothing. Expect sabotage and bitchery.

Meanwhile, there is Michael (Robin De Jesus), who got beaten up when he showed up at his prom in drag and who has a major crush on Vlad. He is estranged from his parents — his dad thinks he kind of got what he deserved, prom-wise — and doesn’t count on them showing up to see him perform this summer.

Meanwhile, there is cynical grownup Bert Handley (Don Dixon), who wrote one big hit musical a dozen years ago that all the kids have been in at some point. Then he never wrote again, and now he drinks a lot and is the main instructor at camp.

Meanwhile, there is — well, there is a ton of other characters rounding out the crew, including the aforementioned mousy girl, Fritzi (Anna Kendrick), who somehow becomes Jenna’s indentured servant.

Graff’s passion for his subject matter is good in that it means the jokes are often wickedly funny, but bad because it causes him to try to cover everything. The tone is unclear: One moment the characters are amusing but trifling; the next, we’re supposed to take them seriously and care about their teen soap opera problems and love triangles. Is this a comedy or a drama? It’s both, but the comedy parts are better.

That said, I like that way some serious issues of sexuality and adolescence are handled. Letterle and De Jesus, excellent as Vlad and Michael all the way through, have a lovely scene in an empty theater in which they come to understand one another and themselves a lot better. The characters are taken seriously, treated like real people. It helps the film.

Detracting from the film are a few musical numbers that could have been omitted altogether. It stands to reason that we will see bits of the shows the kids are working on, but does a minor character with a very minor subplot (her parents think she’s too fat) deserve a five-minute solo? It’s a great number, yeah, but it slows down the film at a point when it should be working toward a resolution and finale.

And, again, so what? The characters grow on you. Nearly all of the actors are making their screen debuts, and their enthusiasm shows. These are extremely charismatic kids, working with a funny script that just needs a little fine-tuning. It doesn’t always deserve it, but “Camp” is one of the most likable films I’ve seen in a long time. Besides, Sondheim makes a cameo. How awesome is THAT?

Buffalo Soldiers

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As we are told in “Buffalo Soldiers,” war is hell, but peace is BORING. And boredom, as you know, leads to mischief.

There is mischief aplenty in “Buffalo Soldiers,” a film that begins as a cynically funny dark comedy but soon falls victim to a glut of subplots and unfocused writing. It opens in 1989 in West Germany, where American soldiers are stationed with very little to occupy them. They are “fighting the dull fight,” according to Ray Elwood (Joaquin Phoenix), the wily, resourceful private who uses the relentless downtime to his financial advantage. He requisitions more supplies than his unit needs and sells the leftovers to the Germans, spending the money he gets on TVs, stereos and other perks that turn his army-base room into a bachelor’s dream den.

Elwood has the ear of his superior, Col. Wallace Berman (Ed Harris), a slightly goofy officer who desperately wants to be viewed as a forceful military leader, despite serving a) in peacetime and b) as head of a unit whose job, even in war, is mostly to clean up. Elwood is also having an affair with Berman’s wife (Elizabeth McGovern), though the film uses that detail primarily to establish Elwood’s character — he’s a magnificent bastard — rather than as a plot device.

Elwood’s dreamworld of selling goods and drugs (which he also coordinates the manufacture of) comes to a halt when a new sergeant, the no-nonsense Robert Lee (Scott Glenn) arrives. In the grand tradition of anti-establishment films like “Catch 22,” “M*A*S*H” and “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” Lee is older and craggier than the youthful, smiling Elwood, and an instant dislike between them begins. It doesn’t help that Elwood starts dating Lee’s daughter, Robyn (Anna Paquin); in fact, to irritate Lee is why he starts dating her.

The film’s opening act is very strong, with several outrageously funny moments breezily directed by the fairly new Australian filmmaker Gregor Jordan. There are some sudden deaths, and they’re played for laughs — caustic, satirical laughs, but laughs nonetheless.

Then a curious thing happens. The film has started so many plates spinning that it can’t possibly keep up with them all. The battle between Lee and Elwood seems to be escalating, each retaliating bigger than before. Elwood and his cronies stumble into the business of black-market weapons dealing. Berman seeks to prove himself as a capable leader by staging a scrimage against another unit. Elwood’s nerdy new roommate gets beaten up by the military police. Elwood has a fear of heights. He might be in love with Robyn. What is going ON here?

This is too much for one film, and in dealing with it all, the script (by Jordan, Eric Weiss and Nora Maccoby, based on Robert O’Connor’s novel), loses its punch-in-the-gut humor. I like many of the performances, especially Ed Harris’ — I would like to have seen that character’s story — but if ever a film got so bogged down it forgot what its point was, it’s this one. C+

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

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The first “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” film, you’ll recall, was a dull, tedious affair. It was set up like a video game, to its detriment: heroine faces conflict, heroine defeats enemy, heroine moves onto next conflict. No suspense, no climax, no fun.

Despite having a new director and new screenwriters, the sequel, “The Cradle of Life,” is no better. It repeats the same mistakes of the first film and compounds them with the cardinal sin of taking itself too seriously.

Perhaps Angelina Jolie is the problem. In what I assume is an attempt to appear sultry, she looks passionless and bored most of the time, her one facial expression mired somewhere between sexy and stoned. Her delivery is flat, another failed attempt at suaveness. She’s a perfect mirror for the film.

The plot is … oh, the plot. I don’t know if I’m up to it, but I’ll try. It seems Pandora’s Box is a real artifact, not a myth, and if it’s opened, it will unleash deadly disease. A bad guy named Reiss (Ciaran Hinds), who deals in bio-terror, wants to get it and sell it as a weapon to terrorists. Lara Croft (Jolie), noted archeologist and heroine, is called upon by the British government to find the box first, stop Reiss, and so on and so forth.

To do this, Lara insists she needs the help of Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler), now in prison for treason but a heck of a guy when it comes to this sort of thing. (One wonders what previous excursions would be similar enough to the current dilemma to make Terry’s name spring to mind first.) Oh, and he’s her ex-boyfriend, too. So they spring him from lock-up, and the two go off to China, then Hong Kong, then a bunch of other places, making wan attempts at sexual tension along the way.

Director Jan de Bont (“Twister,” “Speed”) demonstrates a surprising ineptitude, especially when it comes to pacing. None of the various sequences of fighting or escaping seem any more dire than any others. They could be re-edited and shown in a different order and it wouldn’t change the story at all. There is no sense of building to a climax; the stakes never seem to get raised.

The thought of seeing Angelina Jolie in a tight T-shirt may be reason (reasons?) enough to see the film, but I doubt it. Find a picture of her on the Internet and stare at it for a couple hours. You’ll find more amusement that way than you would watching the movie.

Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

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I get a headache just THINKING about “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.” Fortunately, there’s so little about it I remember that thinking about it doesn’t take very long.

In the third installment of this once-clever series, everyone’s a cameo except for Juni Cortez (Daryl Sabara), one-half of the pint-sized titular duo. Juni has to rescue his sister, Carmen (Alexa Vega), from a virtual-reality video game in which she has become trapped, courtesy of the malevolent Toymaker (Sylvester Stallone).

Juni — who is cute, but not cute enough to carry a film by himself — takes his grandfather (Ricardo Montalban) along to help, but Grandpa mostly runs around doing his own thing, showing up when necessary to save Juni, a sort of deus ex grandpa.

And so most of the film takes place within this video game, which appears to the audience in 3-D, thanks to glasses handed out at the theaters. (The movie tells you when to put them on.) The process, as cool as it looks, is headache-inducing. It’s a gimmick, pure and simple, and seems designed to distract from the film’s otherwise lackluster script and story. The 3-D sequences are surreal and otherworldly, but lack the wit and imagination that has marked the other films in the series.

In the end, all the regulars show up — including Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino as the spy kids’ parents — and some of that infectious, sly humor creeps back in. (Loopy cameos from George Clooney and Elijah Wood help.)

Robert Rodriguez, who wrote, directed, produced and edited the film, has lost a good deal of the vision and manic energy he showed in the original “Spy Kids” (2001). This one is so niggling and forgettable, it may not even be worth seeing to begin with, in any dimension.

Mondays in the Sun (Spanish)

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As fate would have it, I was able to spend a lot of time watching and contemplating “Mondays in the Sun” — the story of unemployed shipyard workers — because I was unemployed myself.

Since I was currently traveling the road of the characters — a road most viewers, I suppose, have traveled at some point — I could recognize the various attitudes of the men, from proud to defeated to bitter. However, even while in the throes of unemployment, I was not moved as much as the film wanted me to be, nor did I feel as much sympathy for the fictional jobless ones. And if a movie about unemployment has little impact ON the unemployed, whom WILL it have impact on?

Written and directed by Fernando Leon de Aranoa, and Spain’s official Academy Award submission in 2003, the film follows a small, loyal group of friends who lost their jobs when the shipyard closed down. Santa (Javier Bardem) is blithely bitter now, more so because he has been ordered to pay for a street light he broke during a strike protesting the layoffs. He spends his time at a bar, with friends like the aging Amador (Celso Bugallo), whose wife has left; José (Luis Tosar), who is embarrassed at having to let his wife be the sole breadwinner; and Lino (José Angel Egido), an earnest family man who fails his job interviews because he’s in his 40s rather than his 20s.

Lino is certainly the most sympathetic character, and Egido’s performance is often beautiful as the poor man takes desperate, pathetic measures to appear younger to potential employers. See him taking notes as his teenage son tries to teach him about computers, so clearly uncomfortable at such an indignity but completely resigned to it in the interest of supporting his family. Through Lino is channeled all the nobility of the working class.

Somewhere nearer the other end of the spectrum is the protagonist, Santa, who refuses honest generosity from well-wishers and who even complains about the seats that security guard friend Reina (Enrique Villón) gets them at soccer matches, because, though free, the seats do not have a view of the opposing team’s goal. (You get what you pay for, I suppose.) Santa has taken to sub-letting babysitting jobs from a teenage acquaintance, one whom he flirts with rather shamelessly, though the movie curiously ignores that plot thread.

Plot is not a central concern here, though perhaps it ought to have been. Though we feel attached to some of the characters, it is not enough to sustain a two-hour film simply to show them hanging around, complaining about not working. It has nice little touches, and the aforementioned solid performances, but in the end nothing is accomplished. It is as though the film itself is unemployed.

Balseros (Spanish; documentary)

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Most Americans probably remember the summer of 1994 and the stories of Cuba’s mass exodus of people trying to raft, sail or swim their way to Florida. “Balseros” follows seven of them on their perilous journey, then follows up five years later to see how they fared in the Land of the Free. The results are compelling, and heartbreakingly predictable: America, it turns out, isn’t always a land of promise for outsiders.

Directors Carlos Bosch and José Marí­a Doménech began filming the exodus without realizing where it would take them; like many documentarians, they turn out to have been in the right place at the right time. Our seven protagonists, with disparate backgrounds and varying chances for success — one is already whoring herself in Havana, so her fate in America seems foreordained — build rafts and embark on the trip. The U.S. Coast Guard intervenes and whisks them away to Guantanamo, to figure out what to do with them.

Eventually, President Clinton decided that those who had behaved themselves while at Guantanamo would be permitted to enter the United States officially. Five years later, Bosch and Doménech return to see what became of their subjects. Some have succeeded, others have not. One has succeeded, but as a drug dealer. Good jobs are scarce when you’re a foreigner, but especially when you’re a foreigner who doesn’t speak English very well.

The film, quite professionally and intelligently assembled, exemplifies the philosophy that everyone has an interesting story to tell, if you know how to find it. Here are a handful of fairly ordinary people who happen to be from a crippled island with a deteriorating economy, who earn our sympathy just by being themselves.

No Need to Get Crabby

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We live in a dog-eat-dog world, a world where dogs are frequently seen eating other dogs, a world where, if you are a dog, there is always the chance you will find yourself being eaten — by dogs, even.

My point is: Dogs eating each other: What’s up with that?

No, that’s not my point. I just wanted to see two colons strung together (you medical students may put your jokes AWAY, thank you). My actual point is that life can be harsh and competitive, and that we often put on a gruff exterior as a defense mechanism. It’s similar to the way a beautiful rose grows sharp thorns, or how a graceful swan can shoot lethal poison darts out of its neck.

This does not mean, however, that we need to be abrasive. Sure, some situations may call for it, such as when we are satirists or political commentators or bathroom cleansers. When we assume those roles, it may be necessary to adopt a certain roughness in the way we conduct ourselves, in order to get the job done. But then, when the day is over, we take those hats off and go back to being pleasant folks. (Except for Sean Hannity, who probably continues being a jerk.)

There is no need for abrasiveness directed toward the world in general, and yet such wide-scale obnoxiousness does exist. For example, at Wal-Mart, I saw a young man wearing a T-shirt that said: “I bet you were an ugly baby.”

Now, that’s a rude sentiment to express to anyone, and I see little to be gained in positing it as your chief argument against a foe. Perhaps the person you’re debating was, in fact, an ugly baby. How does this make his current position less tenable? Many people are ugly ADULTS and still hold valuable opinions and theories. It’s what we call an ad hominem attack, and an even less useful one than usual, because it attacks a version of the person — i.e., the infant prototype — that does not even exist anymore.

Still, I can understand saying, “I bet you were an ugly baby” in the heat of the moment to someone who provoked you, and who you did in fact believe to have been an ugly baby. I could even imagine saying it to someone who is currently an ugly baby, though of course he or she would not understand you. But why would you put it on a T-shirt and thereby say it to everyone? Did this fellow honestly believe every person he encountered that day would have been an ugly baby? Granted, he was wearing it at Wal-Mart, so the odds were good. But still.

Along the same lines, there is this bumper sticker: “Life sucks … well, yours does.”

Again, why the hostility? Do you mean to suggest every person who sees your bumper sticker has a sucky life? And do I detect the implication that OUR lives suck, but YOURS doesn’t? How can that be so, when you have resorted to using bumper stickers as a means of expressing yourself? If that’s not an indication of a life gone wrong, I don’t know what is.

Being abrasive to a person or group who deserves it is one thing, but open hostility toward everyone who sees you is distasteful. It makes even less sense when the hostile body in question is a restaurant — a type of business that normally seeks to curry favor among patrons, not disorient or offend them. Of course I am talking about Joe’s Crab Shack.

Sweet Hitler’s handbag, have you BEEN to this place?! It’s a seafood restaurant chain that just opened in Orem, and apparently the owners felt that having really, really good food gave them an unfair advantage over the seafood chains that DON’T seek to irritate customers. So they handicapped themselves by plastering the walls in junk. Now, I know it became trendy years ago, thanks to T.G.I.Friday’s, for dining establishments to throw any old piece of trash they find on the street on the wall and call it “kitsch,” as a replacement for actual decor or style. But Joe’s takes it to a new level of sensory overload, where epileptic fits are liable to occur in more sensitive patrons, and where even those with sturdy nervous systems are apt to find themselves dizzy and confused like Alex near the end of “A Clockwork Orange.”

Get past the walls, though, and there’s more to face. Joe’s serves crabs. “Crabs,” as you know, is also a euphemism for what we used to call a “social disease.” Taking advantage of this double meaning, servers at Joe’s wear T-shirts with slogans such as: “Itching for some crabs at Joe’s,” “Got crabs?,” “Bite me,” “We’ve got the crabs” and “Get crabs at Joe’s.” Why not go all the way? Why not make a shirt that says: “I got crabs at Joe’s. And by ‘crabs,’ I mean ‘pubic lice'”?

Then, assuming you’ve witnessed the T-shirts and the walls of shame and made it to your table — which itself will be festooned in the most garish, unsettling manner possible, usually in a theme involving pirates — you will have to endure the moment when all the servers stop serving and dance. That’s right, an actual, choreographed dance number, right there in the restaurant. For a moment, you’re thinking this sounds cute. And for a moment, you’re right. Alas, the songs go on for several minutes, and during this time, precious little food-serving occurs. Instead, patrons are forced to see their servers, many of them embarrassed (and rightfully so), none of them hired because of their dancing skills, all assembled en masse to do the “Boot-Scootin’ Boogie.” Didn’t we as a nation rise up YEARS ago and declare that we would no longer tolerate boogie of the boot-scootin’ variety on these shores? What happened to our standards?

I yearn for a more genteel, polite era, like perhaps 1953 or ’54, except with more color television programs and fewer of them about Davy Crockett. I ask for more taste and decorum. But mostly, I ask for more crabs — and quick!

Bad Boys II

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In this summer of sequels, I suspect none will be as distasteful and off-putting as “Bad Boys II,” an utterly crass, clueless exercise in noise just for noise’s sake.

Those who felt “Bad Boys” (1995) was mediocre at best may be disappointed to learn the followup is not any better; it is merely longer and louder. Martin Lawrence’s character, narcotics agent Marcus Burnett, continues to fear everything and to seek respite from his devil-may-care partner. The partner, Mike Lowrey (Will Smith), continues to get them into gunfights on a regular basis. If you have ever seen Lawrence or Smith at work before, then you can tell already they are miscast: Smith should be the quiet family man, and Lawrence should be the unstable playboy. But I suppose the sequel is too late to fix that kind of problem.

This time around, Marcus and Mike are trying to stop a huge shipment of Ecstasy from making it into Miami. Complicating matters is the discovery that Marcus’ sister, Sydney (Gabrielle Union), as an agent for the DEA, is involved in the bust, too. See, Marcus is overprotective of her, and Mike’s secretly dating her. So you see the potential for comedy.

Ah, comedy. Remember comedy? I love comedy. Nothing better than some good ol’ comedy. This movie has almost no comedy. Oh, it has broad, “Three’s Company”-style misunderstandings, and a bit where Marcus, posing as a rat exterminator, is deathly afraid of rats, which is funny for a few seconds and then continues for another 200. But mostly, there is just shooting and yelling and cursing.

Perhaps most appalling about this dim-witted, low-brow mess is its length: 2 1/2 hours. Many films manage to tell their stories in under two hours, even when those stories are wide in scope and touch on important themes. “Bad Boys II” is about two cops and a standard drug bust. I seem to recall several instances where “Miami Vice” told this story in less than an hour, with commercials.

The longer the film wears on, the more irritating it is, because we see how little regard it has for its audience. If you watch this movie, you will have to see two rats having sex. You will also have to witness dead bodies being thrown out of the back of a speeding vehicle, then being run over by the cars in pursuit. You will have to see Will Smith reach into a cadaver and pull out a kidney. You will have to see one insane car chase after another, and one loud gunfight after another. There are so many gunfights, in fact, that Marcus even comments on it at one point — and when Martin Lawrence is the lone voice of reason in your film, then buddy, you’re in trouble.

The director is Michael Bay (“Pearl Harbor,” “Armageddon”), who films people getting killed as if he loves watching them die. He uses several nifty camera tricks throughout the film, though to what end I can’t imagine. People who are entertained by such vapid, sophomoric bombast aren’t liable to be impressed by technical proficiency. This is an excessively violent, infuriatingly stupid film with no shame, and with no purpose.

How to Deal

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Since it is against the law to make a teen-girl drama without having the teen-girl protagonist act as narrator, “How to Deal” has Halley Martin (Mandy Moore) act as its narrator. She says a lot of wise things at the beginning of the movie. Among them: “Why does love make people crazy?”

It makes you think, doesn’t it? I mean, golly, Mandy Moore, why DOES love make people crazy?

“How to Deal” fails to answer this, or any other question, but it does address the issue of whether teenage girls will watch anything you put in front of them. The answer is yes.

Based on two novels by Sarah Dessen and adapted by Neena Beber (scribe for TV’s “Daria,” an infinitely smarter examination of teen girlhood), “How to Deal” shows how traumatic a girl’s life can be by having EVERYTHING happen to Halley. Her parents divorce, her sister’s engaged, there’s a marriage, a pregnancy, a death, a car accident, mom wants to sell the childhood home — all this thing needs is alcoholism to make it every After-School Special rolled into one. It is maudlin teen nonsense at its worst, its most sappy, its least believable.

Having seen her parents split up, and her sister about to marry a dweeb, and her best friend Scarlett (Alexandra Holden) giving up her virginity, Halley is very much a down-with-love kind of girl. Then, as you might suspect, she starts spending time with Macon (Trent Ford). As prescribed in these kinds of films, Macon is a cute, soft boy at Halley’s high school who doesn’t hang with any regular crowd and is considered a bit of an oddball, but the cool kind of oddball, not the nerdy kind. He’s super-nice and doesn’t try to take advantage of Halley or anything, but she pushes him away because she doesn’t want to fall in love, I think. In the midst of this, all of the aforementioned traumas occur, one by one, like a series of predictable, dull dominos, like maybe dominos that don’t have any dots on them or something.

Anyway, there’s a scene in the middle where Halley and her sister and mother (played by the wonderful Allison Janney) have dinner with the sister’s fiance and his snotty parents. Halley’s pot-smoking grandmother is there, too. (She used to smoke pot for medicinal reasons, but now she just smokes it.) There’s a lukewarm “Meet the Parents”-type exchange that isn’t very funny, and barely even seems to be trying, and then Halley goes to the restroom to smoke a cigarette (which she never does elsewhere in the film), and then she sets off the smoke detector, which brings everyone running, and then the family dog starts humping Allison Janney’s leg. If there’s ever been a more confused jumble of situational humor, lowbrow camp and teen angst than this sequence, I’d like to see it. It would appear the director, Clare Kilner, has a knack for none of those genres, so she tossed them all in at once just to see what would happen.

I’ll say this for the movie: Mandy Moore is a truly charming presence. She doesn’t elevate the material, exactly, but she doesn’t get mired in it, either. She has a strength to her, a resilience, that will serve her well, should she ever happen to be cast in a good film. You know, one that makes sense, and has a point, and isn’t boring. She needs to escape this teenage pablum, though, before she does a domestic violence docudrama and ends her career before it begins.

Dirty Pretty Things

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“Dirty Pretty Things” is about the dirty things you sometimes have to do to make life pretty. It is set in London, which is just about perfect. This is a city with a lot of spectacular sights, known for its art and beauty, but which everyone knows has a filthy side, too. (Maybe Paris would have been better, now that I think of it.)

Among those seeking a better life in London is Okwe (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a Nigerian immigrant who is here without benefit of visa or passport. This makes his situation precarious, as anyone who wishes to do him ill knows they can do so without fear of Okwe going to the police.

As a result, Okwe tries to keep a low profile. He works days as a cab driver, nights as a desk clerk at the Baltic Hotel. He does not sleep, as far as we can tell, and he ingests the leaves of some plant now and then to keep himself awake.

He rents a place to live from Senay (Audrey Tautou), a Turkish girl who works as a maid at the Baltic, except she cannot work under the provisions of her visa, nor can she sublet her apartment, which makes her situation pretty precarious, too, since she is doing both.

There is trouble almost as soon as the film begins when Okwe discovers that the blockage in one of the hotel’s toilets is a heart. He was a doctor in his homeland, so he recognizes the organ as being both human and healthy (except for being detached from its owner, obviously). You work at a hotel frequented by hookers, you’re going to find some unpleasant things. But a heart? That’s a bit much, even for the Baltic.

The hotel manager, Juan (Sergi Lopez), who is oily enough to prevent us from trusting him even for one second, suggests Okwe forget about the heart and get back to work. Okwe is reluctant to do so, but doesn’t want to draw attention to himself, either.

Where the heart came from, and what’s really going on, and how it will affect Okwe and Senay, that’s all spoiler material. What’s more important is who these people are. Written by Steve Knight and directed by Stephen Frears (“High Fidelity,” “The Grifters”), the film gives us many details that are not especially relevant to the plot, but which add dimension and flavor to the characters. Such a thing is rare in film: Usually, if a character has an odd trait like being sleep-deprived, it’s only so it can show up later as a plot device. Not here. Here, it’s to establish Okwe’s personality as a man seeking to escape his past, to lose himself in his work, and to keep busy.

The performances are nice all around, and Frears’ direction has a confident feel to it. He knows when to let humor take hold, and when to let things get exciting — and how to hold our attention when they do.

The film delves into London’s seediness, and takes us through several harrowing experiences, but does so without becoming gratuitously nasty. It does not revel in the darkness, nor does it seek to drag us down into it. Indeed, the whole point is that you gotta do what you gotta do, and there’s some hope in that philosophy.

Are We Not Men? We Are TiVo

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I am not exaggerating when I report that TiVo is the most important invention in the history of mankind. The polio vaccine? Please. What did the polio vaccine ever do to help me watch reruns of “Benson”?

My housemate Smacky and I got TiVo because neither of us was dating anyone anymore, and we wanted to ensure we never dated again. We figured more TV would do the trick.

For those not in the know, TiVo is a digital video recorder, serving approximately the same function as a VCR in that it records TV shows. But comparing it to a VCR is like comparing Halle Berry to Estelle Getty. They may have essentially the same properties, but they’re really in different leagues.

You can tell TiVo what shows you like, and it will hunt them down and record them, whenever and wherever they’re on. You can also tell it to search for certain actors or directors, or types of shows, or key words like “chocolate” or “nudity.” It saves everything to its hard drive, and you watch them whenever you want.

For a busy person on the go such as myself, this is a lifesaver. Why, I don’t have time to set my VCR to record “Jeopardy!” every day! But that’s what I had to do before TiVo. As a result, I pretty much never saw “Jeopardy!,” because I didn’t like it enough to bother taping it each day, and I can’t watch it live because I can’t stand to witness Alex Trebek’s smarmy, robotic interaction with the contestants that occurs after the first commercial. With TiVo, I record it and watch it at my leisure, skipping through Alex’s wretchedly failed attempts at joviality.

“Law & Order” is another show I like but not enough to set the VCR to tape it. You tell TiVo to get you some “Law & Order,” leave the house for 10 minutes, and when you come back, the show will have aired 11 times on six channels. Basically, the only reason I have for leaving the house anymore is to give TiVo time to load up some more shows for me. Oh, and my job, I guess.

Another interesting thing about TiVo is that it analyzes your taping habits and recommends other programs based on them. In theory, this is cool. In practice, it means TiVo is embarrassingly aware of your shameful viewing habits. Maybe you enjoy trashy reality shows like “Skank Island” and “America’s Most Talented Monkey.” Do you really want someone pointing that out to you?

“Excuse me, sir,” TiVo says in the British-butler accent I’ve imagined for it. “I noticed you were a fan of ‘Celebrity Towel-Snap.'”

“Er, yes, well,” you stammer, mortified to be discussing this with someone.

“I thought you might also enjoy ‘American Groin,’ sir.”

“Uh, yeah, thanks, TiVo.”

Most of us, I think, would be better off not examining our TV habits too closely.

TiVo’s not very good at recommending shows for us yet. It’s just getting to know us. Since Smacky and I love bad horror movies, we immediately had TiVo track down and record all the ones coming soon, including “Terror Train” (1980) and “The Mysterious Doctor” (1943). Consequently, TiVo currently thinks we only like movies (no TV shows), and only bad ones at that. Imagine my dismay when I came home one evening to find TiVo recommending “Chairman of the Board” (1998), starring Carrot Top.

“TiVo!” I scolded, angry and disappointed. “What did I ever do to make you think I found that fiery-headed hell-beast funny?!”

“I am sorry, sir,” TiVo replied. “It shan’t happen again.”

“I should say not, or you may find yourself in need of a new situation!” I said, momentarily adopting his British dialect.

Our only concern is that TiVo may become super-intelligent and take over our lives, like HAL in “2001: A Space Odyssey” (1968). Will he begin forcing us to watch certain shows? Will he use his knowledge of our likes and dislikes to rally the other home appliances against us? Is this the dawn of a brave new world?

Hey, as long as the brave new world includes reruns of “Square Pegs,” I’m fine.