Bathroom of Terror
I was awakened at an indecent hour on a recent morning by what I instantly recognized as the urgent need to make wee-wee. We’ve all been roused by the call of nature before, but this call was particularly insistent, like a telemarketer, one who was also, for some reason, screaming. Yes, it was like a screaming telemarketer inside my bladder — and it wanted out NOW!
I stumbled to the bathroom in the customary manner of a person who has gotten out of bed to urinate but wants to avoid truly waking up: eyes basically closed, conscious thoughts eschewed. Due to the acuteness of my need, however, I stumbled more hurriedly than usual, and in the process rammed my left foot directly into the door jamb. I said “Ouch!” (or something to that effect) and ignored the pain while I accomplished the task at hand, i.e., going whizz.
When I had finished, I stepped away from the toilet and noticed that where my left foot had been planted there was now a small pool of blood. What I had thought was merely a painful foot-bumping had in fact produced an impressive gouge in my middle toe, which had bled profusely while I was standing there dealing with the bladder situation. Glancing back, I saw that I’d left a trail of bloody toe-prints all the way from the doorjamb to the toilet. It was alarming and gross — but you have to remember, it was also five in the morning. I knew that if I gave any of this my full attention, it would wake me up completely and possibly ruin my remaining three (or four, or five — you’re not my mom) hours of sleep. The mere act of knowing this was itself almost enough to wake me up. I needed to get back to sleep, and fast!
I used a wad of toilet paper to clean off my toe and was relieved to find that the bleeding had basically stopped, which meant I could ignore it for a few more hours. Just in case, I put a sock on that foot — a clean sock, thank you very much — and went back to bed.
Then I forgot about it.
A few hours later, when I woke up for real and trundled toward the shower, I was shocked to find my bathroom resembling a crime scene. There were bloody toe-prints all over the floor, and a crimson pool on the rug next to the toilet. It took a couple seconds for the events of earlier that morning to return to my memory, and in the meantime I stood agape in horror like Norman Bates, unable to process what I was looking at. The lesson we learn from this is that one should always clean up one’s blood as soon as it is spilled, lest one forget about it and startle oneself with it later.
Now, that story reminds me of another one. When I was about 14, I was tangentially involved with the Boy Scouts, insofar as I was a Mormon teen and the Mormons’ youth program for boys was intertwined with Scouting. You didn’t have to be good at Scouting, or even interested in it, but if you went to the church-sponsored young men’s activity on Tuesday nights, there was a good chance you’d hear something about merit badges or knot-tying or good-deed-doing.
On this particular evening, we were being visited by a local fellow who was a professional fisherman, which is a real occupation. Actually, he made the bulk of his living not by fishing but by writing magazine articles about fishing, which somehow seems even less conceivable to me than making a living by fishing. But anyway, he was there to show the Boy Scouts his rod and reel — er, his bait and tackle — I mean, his equipment. Zowie!
Among the items he brought for our perusal were these rubber worms that worked on the same principle as real worms, that principle being that fish are stupid and will eat anything. Unlike real worms, the rubber worms were reusable and did not smell like worms and did not have to be dug out of the ground and did not wriggle obscenely when you had a bucketful of them. They looked like Gummi Worms, basically, only not edible (which is also true of Gummi Worms, but never mind).
So there were eight or ten of us sitting in a circle, passing around the fake worms and other fishing-related gizmos and doodads while the fisherman regaled us with stories about, I don’t know, probably fishing. We weren’t listening; we were playing with the gizmos and doodads he was passing around. When a rubber worm got to me, I inspected it with the natural curiosity of a bored adolescent who is desperate to find amusement however he can. I looked at it very closely, examining its texture and weight. I smelled it. I pulled on both ends of it to see how strong it was. The answer, I learned, was that it was not stronger than me, because I accidentally pulled it in half. Yes, even as a teen I had the power to tear thin rubber things apart without even trying!
In addition to possessing amazing strength, I was also very self-conscious as a teen, and I nervously looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my dumb accidental vandalism. No one had. My fellow Scouts and quasi-Scouts were busy looking at the other visual aids, and the fisherman was engaged in telling a story that I assume ended with him telling us how big a particular fish was, since that’s how all fishing stories end. So there were no witnesses to my act of destruction, but what was I going to do? I didn’t want to give two halves of a fake worm back to the guy and be like, “Uh, sorry, I broke your worm.” Instead, I chose to simply do away with the evidence. There were several of these worms being passed around; surely the fisherman wouldn’t notice if one didn’t return. I would just surreptitiously slide the worm halves into my pocket and that would be that.
Except it was summertime, and I was wearing shorts, and for some reason these shorts did not have pockets. Were they swim trunks? Had I worn swim trunks to church youth group/Boy Scouts? It’s entirely possible. It was a different time. Having furtively moved my hand down to my waist region in search of a pocket only to come up empty, I now panicked a little and just shoved the bisected worm into the waistband of my shorts.
Then I forgot about it.
A few hours later, I was at home, going about my business, when nature called. I walked blithely into the bathroom, stood at the toilet, and hitched my shorts down in order to gain access to the relevant apparatus — whereupon the forgotten worm halves tumbled out of my crotch and into the toilet. And for a split-second, I was as terrified as I’d ever been in my life because I thought my wiener had fallen off.
I recalled the facts of the situation soon enough, but in the meantime, in that fraction of a second … well, a lot of troubling thoughts passed through my mind, let’s just say that. The lesson we learn from this is that one should always dispose of the evidence of one’s crimes as soon as they are perpetrated, lest one forget about it and have a brief but harrowing existential crisis later.
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A Year of Snide Remarks was funded by a Kickstarter campaign. This week’s column was sponsored by rap artist Prof’s latest album, “King Gampo.” Sponsor had no editorial control over the column, and the author alone is responsible for its content.
Eggs and Ham, by Dr. Seuss. In this tender coming-of-age story, an innocent young college student (played by the brother from one of the Disney Channel sitcoms) is approached by a shady character named Sam (played by Steve Buscemi), who tries to get him to eat green eggs and ham. The young man, though in the phase of life when experimentation is common, politely declines, whereupon Sam embarks on a whimsical series of efforts to get him to change his mind, offering green eggs and ham in a variety of locations: on boats, on trains, in the back rooms of various bars, etc. He is eventually successful in his attempts at persuasion, and the lad finds that he enjoys green eggs and ham after all! He and Sam move in together and have green eggs and ham all the time, until one day the young man says he’d like to maybe sample some other oddly colored foods, and Sam murders him in a jealous rage. Written and directed by Gus Van Sant.
I got kind of hung up on the current issue of OK! magazine. There’s this two-page spread with the headline “STARS SHINE IN BRILLIANT GREEN,” with this explanation: “OK!’s fashion expert Giuliana Rancic weighs in on the bold color that’s hot in Hollywood.” And the feature, in its entirety, is simply pictures of five celebrities — well, four celebrities and LeAnn Rimes — who happened to wear green dresses at various events in the last couple months, with fashion expert Giuliana Rancic writing 25 words apiece on how uh-mazing they looked. Remember, green is the bold color that’s hot in Hollywood! Everywhere you go in Hollywood, from the backlot at Paramount to the ritzy shops on Rodeo Drive, all anyone can talk about is the color green. “Have you seen the new greens yet?” “Why, yes, aren’t they fabulous?” “I hear they’re working on a new emerald green for release this summer!”
In addition to being a fine physical specimen, Hunk is also rich, refined, a good fighter, and generally awesome at stuff. The Sea Spray yuppies love him! Hunk is the toast of the town. He has sex with as many women as he possibly can, which is many women indeed. He sets fashion trends by ripping the sleeves off his jacket and wearing it, bare-chested, with a popped collar and a necktie, as if he were both a Chippendale’s dancer and a douchebag. Life is great for Hunk-who-used-to-be-Bradley.
A Year of Snide Remarks was funded by a 
