“Reaper” (Tuesdays, The CW): The buzz surrounding this supernatural action comedy is true: It’s a winner. The premise is that a slacker’s parents sold his soul to the devil, payable when he turns 21, and now that the day has arrived, the devil has him on bounty-hunter duty, retrieving escaped demons and sending them back to hell. The first episode was much funnier than I expected; the emphasis seems to be comedy over action, which is fine with me. The devil is played with obvious glee by Ray Wise (Leland Palmer from “Twin Peaks”), and the hero is Bret Harrison, last seen in Fox’s prematurely canceled “The Loop.” They’re both strong, capable comic actors, and if the writing stays fresh like this, the show should be a hit. TiVo verdict: Hell yeah.

“Bionic Woman” (Wednesdays, NBC): And then there’s this piece of crap. An update of the ’70s series about a woman who gets some super-powered body parts, this version got off to a lazy start with a bland pilot. The top-secret government operation’s previous bionic woman, now gone rogue, pursues and fights with the new one — but no reason is given for her hatred of the new girl. (If anything, she should be going after the people who made her.) The new girl herself, Jamie, is played by an uncharismatic actress named Michelle Ryan, and she gives the character no personality whatsoever. Nothing about the first episode made me interested in watching it ever again. There just wasn’t anything to it. TiVo verdict: I have a bionic “delete this program now” thumb.

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The best new film this weekend is “The Kingdom,” starring Jamie Foxx as an FBI agent who leads a small team to investigate a terrorist attack against Americans in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. It’s a great mix of entertainment and post-9/11 political commentary. ME LIKEY!

Our friends at Cinematical pointed out yesterday that the very informative and interesting opening credits of “The Kingdom” are being hosted at Yahoo. Go over and take a look.

(My review of “The Kingdom” is this week’s Film.com feature. As of this second, it’s not showing up over there for some reason, but I assume that problem will soon be remedied, and I will replace this text with text that has been stricken through to indicate it is no longer applicable.)

“The Game Plan” stars The Rock as a football player who suddenly has to take care of the 8-year-old daughter he never knew he had. It’s stupid and I didn’t like it. The end.

My review of “The Jane Austen Book Club” contains a joke I stole from a column I wrote last year. As always, I make no apologies for plagiarizing myself.

“Trade” is about the sex-slave industry. It (the movie as well as the industry) is grotesque. ME NO LIKEY!

Finally, there’s “Feast of Love,” which I just saw last night and did not feel compelled to bust my butt writing a review of. Look for it this weekend. (Hint: It’s probably in the C+ range.) The most interesting thing about the movie to me is that it was filmed here in Portland. In fact, the coffeehouse connecting all of the central characters is exactly one mile from my apartment! I used to go there a lot! It’s in my neighborhood! The good part of my neighborhood, not the bad part, where I live. It is the coffeehouse described in this “Snide Remarks” column.

NBC already has the best night of comedy on TV, with “My Name Is Earl,” “The Office,” “30 Rock,” and “Scrubs” on Thursdays. Now it looks like they’ve got the best block of sci-fi/fantasy, too, with “Chuck,” “Heroes,” and “Journeyman” on Mondays. We already know how great “Heroes” is, of course; let’s look at the newcomers.

“Chuck” (Mondays, NBC): This sci-fi comedy about an average computer geek who gets all of the NSA’s secret files downloaded into his brain (don’t ask), thus making him an invaluable tool in the war on terror, is very likable. It was co-created by Josh “The O.C.” Schwartz (which is probably why Chuck takes a date to see a cool indie band in the first episode), but the focus is on an “Alias”-meets-“Buffy” style of espionage and smart comedy. The star is Zachary Levi, who evidently was on a sitcom called “Less Than Perfect” from 2002-2006. In other news, apparently there was a sitcom called “Less Than Perfect” from 2002-2006. How do they slip these past me? Anyway, “Chuck” is intelligent and fun. TiVo verdict: Count me in.

“Journeyman” (Mondays, NBC): There’s not as much humor in this show about a San Francisco newspaper reporter who suddenly finds himself traveling through time at random intervals. The reason, of course, is to do good deeds; the show definitely owes a lot to “Early Edition,” “Quantum Leap,” and the bestseller “The Time-Traveler’s Wife.” The first episode established a lot of intriguing backstory: The guy was once engaged to a lawyer who died in a plane crash, and now he’s married to a fellow reporter … who was once his cop brother’s girlfriend. And there’s a nice twist, too, in that our hero isn’t the only person bouncing through time. It strikes me as a pleasant, comfortable show that you don’t have to watch every single week but that will probably be rewarding when you do. TiVo verdict: A low-priority season pass.

Since you can’t be expected to keep up everything I write — heck, even I don’t always read what the Laotian kids in my sweatshop crank out before I put my name on it and send it to the editors — I thought I’d list some of the more noteworthy entries from recent weeks at Film.com and Cinematical.

– “Predictions for Tyler Perry’s Next Five Movies”: This one might not do much for you if you’re not the least bit familiar with his films (“Diary of a Mad Black Woman,” etc.).

– “An Open Letter to Eugene Levy”: It’s an intervention, really.

– “Science Helps Us Predict When Acting Careers Will End”: A story detailing the mathematical formula used to predict when certain untalented and/or unnecessary celebrities will finally stop getting work. It comes complete with an editor’s note reminding the reader that, ha ha, we’re just kidding! This was deemed necessary in light of Keira Knightley’s tendency to sue people who point out the very obvious fact that she has anorexia.

“The Big Bang Theory” (Mondays, CBS): Despite being from the creator of “Two and a Half Men,” the pilot episode of this sitcom actually made me laugh quite a bit. It’s about two super-intelligent science nerds, Leonard and Sheldon, who share an L.A. apartment and hang out with like-minded geeks. A pretty blonde moves into the apartment across the hall, and Leonard instantly develops a crush. The first episode overplays some of the stereotypical elements a bit much, with the geeks unrealistically oblivious to the fact that most people aren’t as smart as they are and the blonde a little dumber than normal. But I really like the fact that Sheldon and Leonard play like a nerdy old married couple who argue with each other in highly intelligent geek-speak. TiVo verdict: Provisional season pass (i.e., I’m with you, but I will turn on you in a heartbeat if you betray me).

P.S. The show’s very first joke made me laugh. Here it is:

SHELDON: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved, it will — however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.

LEONARD: Agreed. What’s your point?

SHELDON: No point, I just think it’s a good idea for a T-shirt.

Comedy!

After I reviewed “Hairspray” in July, I got this e-mail from a reader named Jeff:

I can’t believe you made it through whole “Hairspray” review, even mentioning Amanda Bynes by name, without making reference to that 40+ year old creepy guy that hosts a fan website in her honor! Perhaps you didn’t want to detract from an otherwise glowing review….

Then, when I gave a much more negative review of the Bynes vehicle “Sydney White,” a commenter named “ClobberGirl” once again invoked Creepy Guy:

Where’s that creepy Amanda Bynes fan site guy? Someone should show him this review. I bet he’d say more hilariously crazy stuff for us if we did.

Alas, as subsequent commenters noted, his site is no more.

If you’re just joining us, Creepy Amanda Bynes guy, aka Robert Mackey, sent me three e-mails in 2006, each vigorously and angrily defending the object of his obsession, who was also the subject of his website, “Amanda Bynes NOW!”

This week’s “Snide Remarks” features my favorite kind of indulgence: self-indulgence! It’s my top 10 list of what I consider to be the best “Snide Remarks” columns ever, in conjunction with the feature’s 10th anniversary — which is this Saturday, officially.

My little column is 10 years old! Seems like only yesterday that I was giving birth to it, right there on the floor at The Daily Universe.

I recorded SnideCasts for the top 10 columns, as I figured that would make them seem fresher to readers who have read them before. To my deaf readers, I have nothing new to offer, sorry.

Sign up for the “In the Dark” e-zine here.
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There’s a metric shload of new movies this weekend, and three of them are excellent and thought-provoking. How often is even ONE movie in a weekend excellent and thought-provoking, let alone three?

“In the Valley of Elah” stars Tommy Lee Jones as a retired military man investigating the disappearance of his son, an Army soldier just back from a tour of duty in Iraq. You might think it is an anti-war film, especially when you learn that Susan Sarandon plays Jones’ wife, but that is not the case. Or, rather, it is anti-war, but it’s opposed to wars in general, to how they destroy lives and change the young men who have to fight them. The film makes no statement about the current war one way or the other. It’s an extraordinarily well-acted film, and a stirringly patriotic one too, in its way.

I also highly recommend “Eastern Promises,” directed by David Cronenberg and starring Viggo Mortensen as a man working his way up in the Russian mob. Great crime film, and an examination of the code of ethics among gangsters. The scene everyone will be talking about is the one where Mortensen has a fight with two hitmen while he’s in a bathhouse, completely naked. It’s a knock-down, drag-out fight, too. Cronenberg once made a film called “The Naked Lunch,” and so I kept trying to make a joke about “Eastern Promises” being called “The Naked Punch.” (Get it? Because he’s naked, and he’s fighting!) But nobody thought that was funny. So then I realized the perfect alternate title for it: “Balls of Fury.” Thank you!

Finally (among the great films, anyway), there’s “The Hunting Party,” an absurd but true story about three journalists who on a whim set out to find a notorious Bosnian war criminal — and in two days of looking got closer to capturing him than the U.N. had done in five years of “trying.” Richard Gere and Terrence Howard star. Lots of fun.

This week’s “In the Dark” also makes mention of “2 Days in Paris” (non!) and “Moliere” (oui!).

The three big, fat, wide releases this weekend are all lousy: “Good Luck Chuck” (my Film.com review for the week), “Sydney White,” and “Resident Evil: Extinction.” “Chuck” and “Resident Evil” will probably cancel each other out, since they seem to be targeting the same audience, i.e., 20-year-old meatheads. But we’ll see. “Resident Evil” wasn’t screened until last night, and even then the press weren’t invited. Some of us showed up anyway, though, and we weren’t denied access. Maybe the studio really did want us to see it and our invitations were lost in the mail???

“Back to You” (Wednesdays, Fox): “Frasier” star Kelsey Grammer and “Everybody Loves Raymond” star Patricia Heaton play Pittsburgh news anchors who are reunited when he comes crawling back after failing in L.A. He’s pompous and arrogant; she’s exasperated and brassy. Seems they had a fling once, too. The sitcom is familiar and easy-going, right down to the overactive laugh track and the “oh no you di’int!” sex jokes. Fred Willard plays the old-school sexist sports anchor, and Fred Willard is always a welcome sight. I laughed three or four times during the first episode and was generally amused the rest of the time in a mindless, unchallenging sort of way. TiVo verdict: It’s not a show I’d watch on purpose, but if I were flipping channels and happened upon it, I’d stick around.

“Gossip Girl” (Wednesdays, The CW): OMG you guys, the guy who created “The O.C.” totally created a new show! And it’s based on a series of young-adult books! Apparently! “Gossip Girl” is about idle rich Upper East Side teenagers who sit around being snotty to each other while they drink champagne and smoke marijuana. Their doings are reported on a blog written by the anonymous Gossip Girl (who we hear in voice-over, and it’s the voice of Veronica Mars herself, Kristen Bell). The pilot episode — in which queen bee Serena comes back to town after a mysterious year-long absence — didn’t indicate what tone the series will take. It wasn’t smart or witty enough to be legitimately enjoyable (the way the first season of “The O.C.” was), but neither was it campy enough to be a trashy guilty pleasure. All the juicy subplots introduced in the pilot suggest it could be “Dynasty Junior”; who knows if they’ll make it as fun as it could be? TiVo verdict: I sort of want to know what happens next … but not enough to expend the energy to tell TiVo to record it next week. That’s the kind of show it is.

I don’t watch “The View.” In fact, I can’t even imagine watching it. The very thought makes me shudder. The small clips I’ve seen convince me I’ve made the right choice in not allowing a band of shrieking women who constantly talk over each other enter my home for an hour every day.

But I was amused, as I’m sure you will be, by this clip, in which the recently anointed fifth co-host, Sherri Shepherd, gives the wrong answer when asked if she believes the Earth is flat: “I don’t know.”

It’s in the context of a discussion about evolution, which Shepherd definitely doesn’t believe in. Whoopi Goldberg (another recent addition to the show, and another good reason not to watch it) is trying to say, “If you trust science when it tells you the Earth is round, why not trust science when it tells you about evolution?” Only she doesn’t say it very well, and I’m not sure it’s a logically valid argument anyway. And besides, Shepherd apparently doesn’t trust science when it tells her the Earth is round. That, or she’s just never heard science mention it before.

Whoopi also tries to say, “Can’t you believe in God and evolution? Couldn’t you believe that God created organisms that then evolved, under His guidance, into more fully developed animals and species?” But she doesn’t say that very well, either, which is too bad, because I think it’s a good point of view to take.

Anyway, I don’t intend for this to be a debate on whether religious people can believe in evolution (although I am resigned to the fact that that’s what it will become anyway). And I categorically do not mean to imply that all religious people, like Sherri Shepherd, are ignorant of even the basics of scientific knowledge. All I wanted is for us to point and laugh at Sherri Shepherd for saying something dumb.

I was sad to learn on a recent trip to Salt Lake City that my beloved Cafe Pierpont — home of such Mexican entrees as the life-changing flautas — had closed. I guess the building got sold and the new owner is turning it into something else. Something evil, no doubt, since the owner himself is obviously evil. What kind of monster would deprive the world of Cafe Pierpont’s flautas?!

In honor of this tragedy, this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic is the column I wrote about the restaurant, “Addición: Flautas,” originally published Sept. 20, 2004.

Chicken, cheese, sour cream, flour tortilla, rolled up and deep fried. Mmmm….

“K-Ville” (Mondays, Fox): As bland and generic a cop show as you can imagine. There’s a loose-cannon cop (Anthony Anderson) and his mismatched partner (Cole Hauser), a gruff and blustery but ultimately soft-hearted captain (John Carroll Lynch), and the usual assortment of crimes and schemes which they solve using superhuman leaps in logic and intuition. The only thing noteworthy about it is that it’s set in New Orleans in 2007, with post-Katrina reconstruction still the foremost subject on everyone’s mind. The show’s creators are obviously hoping this will be enough to bring in viewers. But honestly, there’s nothing about the show that you can’t get — and in higher quality — from other cop shows. The series is being filmed in New Orleans, and they’re using local actors and technicians when possible, pumping millions into the economy in the process. So I guess you could watch the show as a service project. Call it a charitable contribution. TiVo verdict: I gave at the office.

(Here’s the list of fall season premiere dates, if you missed it.)

Rob Zombie: “You see, the thing is, I’m oily and untalented.”

Grotesque filmmaker Rob Zombie and black-hearted Batman-villain impersonator Dick Cheney don’t have much in common. One delights in overseeing acts of cruelty and murder inflicted upon innocents; the other only does that in movies. But they’ve both recently made me chuckle and roll my eyes at them when comments they made years ago resurfaced and contradicted their current practices.

We previously talked about Cheney’s 1994 comments, where he said invading Baghdad during the Gulf War would have resulted in a “quagmire,” and that taking Saddam out of power wasn’t worth risking American soldiers’ lives. Plenty of people agree with that and wish he’d maintained that position, obviously.

And now check out what Rob Zombie — director of the recent hit “Halloween” — had to say in 2002 about the trend of remaking old horror films:

I feel it’s the worst thing any filmmaker can do. I actually got a call from my agent and they asked me if I wanted to be involved with the remake of [The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]. I said no [swear word] way! Those movies are perfect — you’re only going to make yourself look like an [swear word] by remaking them.

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“Boo hoo! A guy from the team I hate hates the team I love! Boo hoo hoo!”

Amusing story in the Boston Herald today about 10-year-old Red Sox fan Griffin Whitman, who attended his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game on Friday. Afterward, he managed to snag Yankee outfielder Shelley Duncan for an autograph — and the picture at right shows what Griffin wrote:

“Red Sox Suck! Shelley Duncan.”

The kid soon called the waaaahmbulance, and his mom had this to say: “This is someone who wears the Yankee uniform and is on the payroll and should be setting an example for 10-year-olds.”

My thoughts:

1. While I don’t follow sports very closely, it is my understanding that the Red Sox do, in fact, suck.

2. The antagonism between the Yankees and the Red Sox has existed for decades. If you show up wearing Red Sox paraphernalia and ask a Yankee for his autograph, you get what you deserve. I mean, what did he expect? “Thanks for supporting a team that hates us! After shouting obscenities at me and my fellow players for nine innings, I’m glad you took the time to request my autograph! Love, Shelley Duncan.”

3. If the kid were a TRUE Red Sox fan, he wouldn’t even WANT a Yankee’s autograph. A true fan would pretend to want it just so he could get close enough to break the Yankee’s kneecap.

4. “Shelley”? Really? Huh.

This week’s “Snide Remarks,” entitled “Uncle Shrek,” has to do with the bathroom but is pleasant to read nonetheless. I think my mom will like it because it mentions her. On the other hand, it mentions her in the context of implying she is senile. It must be such a mixed blessing, being my mom.

Does it seem like we’ve had a lot of bathroom-related columns recently? OK, I guess it was just the one about pee from about six weeks ago. And then I’m thinking about the colonic column, but that was well over a year ago. So never mind. We’ve been having exactly the right number of bathroom-related columns.

Anyhoo, you can listen to me read the column to you with my very own voice through the futuristic SnideCast technology at the top of the page. You can also hear it here, or subscribe to the weekly “Snide Remarks” podcast with this URL.

Sign up for the “In the Dark” e-zine here.
Listen to this week’s podcast version here.
Subscribe to the podcast’s feed here.

Three wide releases this weekend, one better than expected, one worse than expected, and one not screened for critics but featuring dragons as its main characters (!)

The better-than-expected is “Mr. Woodcock,” which — make no mistake — is still not a great movie. But its physical humor is surprisingly well done, and that thing Billy Bob Thornton does where he hates kids and says mean, sarcastic things — well, that’s always funny. Just like “Yakety Sax.”

Not as good as it should have been is the Jodie Foster vigilante drama “The Brave One,” which has some conflicting messages and tries to be both a crowd-pleaser and a cautionary tale. My review of that film is at Film.com.

And the one about dragons is “Dragon Wars,” a Korean-made (but English-speaking and American-cast) fantasy flick about, um, dragon wars. These wars take place in our modern cities, so you can imagine what kind of hassle that is.

Speaking of which, the other night I saw the trailer for Will Smith’s “I Am Legend,” which looks awesome. It begins with scenes of bombs dropping on New York City, destroying the Brooklyn Bridge, among other things. All well and good … except that it happened to be Sept. 11 that we were watching this trailer. But what can you do? If we stop making movies in which terrorists or aliens or dragons destroy our metropolises, then the terrorists, aliens, and dragons have won.

This weekend is so-so, but there are some truly excellent films coming out in the next couple of weeks: “The Kingdom,” “In the Valley of Elah,” and “Eastern Promises.” I look forward to telling you about them when the time comes.

I am posting this YouTube video with the understanding that many people will automatically find it distasteful. It’s an interesting exercise in comedy, however, because it asks this question: Can “Yakety Sax” (the Benny Hill theme music; you’ll recognize it when you hear it) make anything funny? Watch the video and see for yourself.

The reason part of it doesn’t work for me is that many parts of the video are in slow-motion (or at least the events in them happen slowly). For “Yakety Sax” to achieve its full comedic impact, it must be accompanied by sped-up visuals. The parts of the video that are sped-up do indeed make me laugh. But not because I’m heartless or jaded! It’s the music! I’m powerless against the music!

Do you love alarming childbirth stories? I know I do! That’s why I wrote a column about them, called “Caesarean Salad,” which is this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic selection.

We’re spotlighting a different old favorite each Wednesday in 2007 in honor of the 10th anniversary of “Snide Remarks.” The official date is Sept. 29, which is coming up soon! Do you know what you’re going to buy “Snide Remarks” for its 10th birthday? Start thinkin’!

I am pleased to announce that, as part of my goal to write for every website on the Internet, I’m now on the blogging team at Cinematical!

Cinematical is an excellent source for movie news, with a couple dozen entries a day covering all manner of film-related items. I’m working specifically for the Cinematical Indie sub-section, focusing on independent films. Some of these articles show up on the main Cinematical page, but most stay in the indie section, with the cool kids.

Most of what I write for Cinematical Indie will be news-oriented, though the bloggers are encouraged to put a personal spin on it to liven it up. If you’re not interested in movie news, don’t feel like you’re obligated to read it just because it was written by me, is what I’m saying.

If you do want to keep tabs on me, you can bookmark my blogger page. It lists all the articles I’ve written for Cinematical.

(Likewise, for my stuff at Film.com, bookmark this link.)

For daily updates from the movie world, Cinematical really is a useful site, and I’m not just saying that because I write for them now. There are a lot of good writers there, and they save you the trouble of monitoring lots of different movie sites because they cull from them and report the best stuff anyway.

Hooray for fun new writing gigs! And hooray for having seen the last of stuff like this!

If you know anything about me, you know that I LOVE CRAZY PEOPLE. They are the spice of life. They make dull things interesting.

One of the craziest people I’ve ever encountered is Tim Nasson, whose awkward, poorly syntaxed writings appear at Wild About Movies. I first wrote about him last year when I told you how he’d been misquoting people he interviewed. Then, this past summer, I talked about his new trend of pretending to have interviewed people he had not, in fact, interviewed. Then I had to tell you about some funny lies he told about me on his site, and then I figured, what the heck, I might as well publish the e-mail correspondence I had with him. Why should I be the only one who gets to enjoy his hilarious delusions?

And now I am honored to report that Tim Nasson has posted a comment on this very blog! In the last entry I mentioned, another reader was talking about problems he’d had unsubscribing from Nasson’s mailing list. This prompted Nasson himself to chime in and post this:

you are such a [swear word]
hope you get burned by the FBI for harassing Wild About Movies
We have records of not only your IP address the 30 times you registered for promos but also your physical address, which you inputted into our system, 30 times. GoDaddy, and everyone else you emailed laughed when we provided them with ALL of the information and think you’d be better off locked up in a loony bin with Eric D Snider.

Check out his www.alexa.com rating – his site’s, then www.wildaboutmovies.com Don’t think any movie studio has called him lately, asking to buy his site. Nuff said. Anyone who reads this site is obviously pathetic, like poor little, or rather should I say, poor ugly Eric. I should add that he emailed me wishing me to die of AIDS. I am not stupid enough to post anything about his site on my site because, as you know, there is no such thing as bad publicity, and publicizing his name or site in any way would give him free attention.

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This week’s “Snide Remarks” column, entitled “Smells Like Summer,” is a wrap-up of the blockbusters that busted our blocks over the last several months. Please to enjoy, won’t we?

It’s an average-length column, but the SnideCast recording is shorter than usual. The type of column it is lends itself to being read quickly and breezily, and I sped through that sucker. Four minutes, in and out, no horsin’ around.

The SnideCast recording can be heard at the top of the article by pressing the little button that looks like it probably means “play.” You can also listen to it here, or subscribe to the podcast with this link.

P.S. Sometimes I like to use pictures here in the blog that are related to the subject matter without being obvious. Anyone know why I chose the picture attached to this entry?

Sign up for the “In the Dark” e-zine here.
Listen to this week’s podcast version here.
Subscribe to the podcast’s feed here.

Three R-rated movies for you this week, all three of them good, and at least two of them liable to divide audiences considerably.

The fairly sure bet is “3:10 to Yuma,” a fine Western starring Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. It’s from the director of “Walk the Line,” which makes sense. It seems the kind of movie Johnny Cash would like.

At the moment, my review of “The Brothers Solomon” is the only positive one listed at Rotten Tomatoes. Will Forte and Will Arnett make me laugh a lot, and I think the film’s peculiar style of humor is interesting. So sue me.

People will also be split (though probably more evenly) on “Shoot ‘Em Up,” which is sort of a spoof and sort of an homage to loud, ridiculous action flicks. My review of it will be at Film.com aaaaaany minute now. is at Film.com right here.

Behold! The list of season premiere dates for prime-time network programs (and one FX program, just because I really like it). Shows marked with an asterisk (*) are brand-new. Give ’em a try! Maybe they’re good! Except “Cavemen,” which obviously isn’t.

Info courtesy of The Futon Critic.

(Note: “Lost,” “24,” “American Idol,” and “Law & Order” all return in Jan/Feb. Don’t panic.)

Thursday, Sept. 6
Don’t Forget the Lyrics! – Fox
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? – Fox

Saturday, Sept. 8
Cops – Fox
America’s Most Wanted – Fox

Thursday, Sept. 13
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – FX

After all these years, I can finally say I’ve been published in the Deseret News! I never really wanted to say that, but hey, a byline is a byline.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a byline at first. The Des News inadvertently took part in a wee bit of plagiarism — a situation that has now been rectified with much apologizing, I assure you.

At the paper’s website, they have a feature called LDS Newsline, a blog-like collection of items of particular interest to Mormons, who make up approximately 70 percent of Utah and approximately 100 percent of Deseret News readers.

An occasional feature there at the Newsline is “Mormon Lite”: “Sincere (but occasionally feeble) attempts at LDS humor.” They are submitted by readers. An Erik Hyer of Layton, Utah, submitted this one, about a Mormon-themed chain of restaurants.

About a dozen sharp-eyed readers have e-mailed me in the last 24 hours, alerting me of this article’s existence, and of its uncanny similarity to a “Snide Remarks” column I wrote way back in 2000.

I was alarmed by two things. One, I had no idea my readership overlapped so much with that of the Deseret News. How can I change that?

Two, why was the Des News reprinting my column without attribution?!

Two new items from me at Film.com this week: one about Ang Lee’s new NC-17 movie, and one that’s sort of a recap of the summer box office. I wouldn’t complain if you were to click over there and read them. No pressure, though. But it sure would be nice. I’m just sayin’.

Luciano Pavarotti died early this morning in Italy, at home in the town he was born in 71 years ago.

He was famous as one of the Three Tenors, of course, and was probably responsible for causing more normal people to listen to opera than anyone else in the 20th century.

He was also famous for being hugely fat, for being somewhat temperamental and prone to canceling performances … and for raising millions of dollars for charities, for being named a United Nations Messenger for Peace, and for founding a school for young singers in his hometown.

Maybe opera isn’t your “thing.” It’s not generally my “thing” either. But watch this clip of Pavarotti singing his signature song, the beautiful “Nessun Dorma” from Puccini’s “Turandot,” and see if you’re not moved by the incredible power of his voice. The climax, in particular, is amazing.

YouTube link.
CNN story on his death.

Two films opened last Friday without timely advance screenings, and now I have the reviews for you: “Halloween” (verdict: bleh) and “Death Sentence” (verdict: OK!).

I had actually seen “Death Sentence” when I sent out “In the Dark” and posted the Friday movie round-up late last Thursday night: The screening was at 10 p.m. I could have mentioned that it was worth seeing, even if I didn’t have the review written yet. But if Fox is going to screen the movie at 10 p.m. the night before it opens, why should I go out of my way to tell people it’s good? They want the word to get out about their products, they can screen them in a more timely fashion. SO THERE.

Every now and then a person enters your life and you think, “I could write a column about this person every week and never run out of material.” Or at least that’s what I think. Such a person for me was Pablo, known in “Snide Remarks” as Raoul, my housemate from Christmas 2003 until June 2004.

I direct your attention to the two columns I wrote about him, “Doing Tiempo” and “Señor Clean,” which appeared seven weeks apart in spring 2004. (I referred to him again at the end of “U-Haul Come Back Now, Ya Hear?,” a few weeks later.) Reading these columns again reminds me of more stories I could tell about him, like how he was obsessed with Princess Diana and would constantly re-watch a video tape of some TV special about her, or how one time he was late with his rent because he had accidentally washed his paycheck.

Good ol’ Pablo. I have no idea what became of him. He’s the kind of person who, despite being dim-witted and disaster-prone, will probably never actually be killed or even injured. He’s probably a millionaire now.

It’s Labor Day and I’m still visiting friends and kinfolk in Utah, but I thought you might like to see this delightful YouTube video of Leslie Uggams completely blowing the lyrics to “June is Bustin’ Out All Over” at a Rodgers and Hammerstein tribute concert. Listen carefully to what she says. Also, watch her face while she’s messing up. It gets all pinched and scrunchy. Then keep watching, because whoever posted the video has made some helpful additions during the instant replays.

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Last call, everyone! This is your last call for summer movies! Anything released after today must be a “fall movie”: Oscar bait, serious themes, and comedies not good enough to survive in the harsh glare of summer.

Summer 2007 goes out bleeding with three wide releases this week, two of which were not properly screened.

“Balls of Fury” opened Wednesday and has already been discussed.

Today we get two violent R-rated films: “Halloween,” Rob Zombie’s remake of the 1978 horror classic; and “Death Sentence,” in which Kevin Bacon turns vigilante after his family is harmed.

“Halloween” wasn’t screened until last night in most markets, and not screened at all in others. Hilariously, publicists were telling critics in some areas that they couldn’t run their reviews until tomorrow, even though the movie opens today.

“Balls of Fury,” the only wide release this week that’s actually being screened for critics, opens today. My review of it can be found at Film.com — my first one for that organization. I’m so nervous! I hope I reviewed it OK!!!

If you’re wondering, here’s the deal: I’m doing one review a week for Film.com. Our agreement is that each review will appear exclusively at Film.com for two weeks. After that, I’ll repost it here. In the meantime, if you go to that movie’s page here on my site, you’ll find a link redirecting you to Film.com.

I realize it is slightly inconvenient to have to go somewhere else to read one of my reviews every week, but I hope you will do so, if only to convince my Film.com overlords that hiring me was a wise, traffic-increasing decision.

All throughout 2007, we’re celebrating the 10th anniversary of “Snide Remarks” by spotlighting a different old column every Wednesday. It’s like taking a stroll down memory lane. A slow, lurching stroll, since we only take one step a week, but still. A stroll is a stroll.

This week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic is “Tightening the Belt,” originally published March 8, 2004. It is noteworthy because it marked the return of “Snide Remarks” after a 6 1/2 month absence. The hiatus began when I stopped working at the Daily Herald and ended here, when I relaunched the column as an Internet-based, by-subscription-only feature.

I distinctly remember how great it felt to write a column again after six months of not writing columns. Writing “Snide Remarks” is like riding a bicycle: You never forget how to do it, and it chafes your thighs. Or something.

If you wanted to make a website devoted to film, what would be the ideal location for it? Why, Film.com, of course! And if you wanted to drastically improve the quality of Film.com, whom would you hire to write reviews and commentaries three times a week? Why, Roger Ebert, of course!

But he’s busy, so they have me instead. Starting today, you’ll find two articles and one review per week from me, posted approximately every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The first one is here. Enjoy it, won’t you? And won’t you also make Film.com a regular stop in your Internet travels? It’s a fine site for light-hearted movie commentary. And they do TV, too — crazy, I know, given the URL, but it’s true.

Sunday was Totally Stupid Day (as some Provo jerk dubbed it years ago), also known as my birthday. How did you celebrate it? Did you think of me? I know I did!

One way I celebrated was by putting the finishing touches on today’s “Snide Remarks” column, entitled “You’ll Laugh Your Smirnoff!” I hope you find it edifying.

I also spent some time recording the audio version of the column, which was more complicated than usual owing to the nature of the column (which you’ll understand when you see it). I had to do different voices and everything! And I kept getting interrupted, what with all the well-wishers telephoning me to wish me well. It is burdensome to be so beloved!

Also, Lady Dawn made me a cake. She used to be a pastry chef, so she knows what she’s doing with regard to cake-making. It was devil’s food and it was delicious. Say what you will about the devil, but he’s got his act together food-wise.

Way back on Friday, I watched and reviewed a couple of unscreened new films: “September Dawn” and “War.” “War”: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Same goes for “September Dawn,” actually. Not Lady Dawn, though. She’s good for makin’ cakes!

I should have an exciting announcement later today, so stay tuned! (No, it is not that I am pregnant or getting married.)

Since next Friday is the start of Labor Day Weekend — traditionally a slow time at the box office — the studios know that today is really their last chance to dump a summertime film into theaters with any hope of anyone actually seeing it. Consequently, there is a metric shload of new releases today.

The rundown:

“Mr Bean’s Holiday” is a return to the style of the hilarious TV sketches from the early 1990s, starring Rowan Atkinson as the odd, mostly silent little man. The movie is far from perfect, but it is very pleasant and amusing.

“Resurrecting the Champ” premiered at Sundance but has a mainstream, crowd-pleasing sensibility to it. It’s about a sports journalist who finds a one-time champion boxer now living on the streets. He writes a story about the guy — and then there is fallout. Aftermath, even. Good, solid, honest movie. Me likey.

There was a screening for “The Nanny Diaries,” but I had a scheduling conflict. Review to come.

There were no Portland screenings for “War,” “Illegal Tender,” or “September Dawn,” though apparently they were screened in some cities. “War” has Jason Statham and Jet Li beating each other up as an FBI agent and an assassin; “Illegal Tender” is about a Latino man dealing with the thugs who killed his father; “September Dawn” is about some rogue Mormons who massacred a bunch of travelers in 1857 — although the movie posits they were not rogue at all but following Brigham Young’s orders. Which makes the film suspect from a historical standpoint already.

This week’s edition of “In the Dark” (the free weekly newsletter I send out with the latest movie reviews, DVD releases, and other news) also has capsule reviews of “Goya’s Ghosts,” “Arctic Tale,” and “Death at a Funeral.”

You can subscribe to “In the Dark” here, or listen to this week’s podcast version here.

As long as we’re posting funny videos we just discovered, here’s a parody commercial for “Spider-Man 3” action figures that perfectly summarizes all the things that were wrong with that movie.

This has been posted a few places around the Internet over the past year, but it was only yesterday that I stumbled across it. Further research determined its source.

It’s from “The Beatrice Arthur Special,” which aired Jan. 19, 1980, on CBS. The clip features Rock Hudson and Bea Arthur singing about how nowadays everybody does drugs, whereas in the good ol’ days, all you needed were cigarettes and alcohol to feel good.

It’s hard to tell whether the song is endorsing drug use or discouraging it, especially since the song’s only real gripe with drugs is that the terminology used to describe them is hard for middle-aged people to grasp.

Regardless of its message, I love this song!

My birthday is this Sunday — no gifts, please! But if you insist, here’s my Amazon wish list — and I share it with a friend of mine named Christopher. We were in the Garrens Comedy Troupe together back in the day, and then he married the sister of one of my best friends, so now he’s part of the family forever.

Anyway, Christopher’s wife C. Jane writes a delightful blog called C Jane Run, and this week she’s printing birthday greetings from his friends and family members. She asked me to contribute, and I was honored to do so! So honored, in fact, that I’m providing the link to what I wrote right here.

You’ll have what the Flintstones would call a “gay old time” with this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic, “I Can See Queerly Now.” That’s because the column, published Aug. 10, 2003, talks about the trend of gay-themed TV shows that was developing at that time. Get it? That’s why I said “gay old time.” Because the column is about gay TV shows. Do you get it?

Coincidentally, this was one of the last columns I wrote for the Daily Herald, published a mere 10 days before my services at that paper were deemed no longer necessary. That had nothing to do with this particular column, of course — but then again, the scuttlebutt is that the Herald’s executive editor — we’ll call him Shrandy Shwright — saw my occasional dealing with controversial topics as a threat to the paper’s circulation numbers, and he recently told the newspaper’s publisher that he’d wanted to get rid of me ever since he joined the staff. So maybe this column, and other “hot button” columns like it, did contribute. Who can say? The important thing is, it’s been four years now (the anniversary was Monday, thank you), and I am very, very glad not to be working there anymore. I’d have chosen a different way of exiting, sure, but if the alternative was that I’d still be there now, in 2007, I’d take the ignominious firing.

Anyway, the point is, here’s a column about gay TV shows, which is soooo 2003.

I’ve written more than 550 “Snide Remarks” columns in the last 10 years, and I’m not ashamed to say that some of them have been absolute crap. There are deadlines involved, you see, and writing “Snide Remarks” has never, even in its heyday, been my sole occupation. Not that that’s any excuse. I’m just sayin’.

Here are my picks for the 10 worst “Snide Remarks” columns I’ve ever written. They are painful for me to read now. I hope glancing at them will help you appreciate the good ones all the more.

(P.S. Which columns would you have put on this list? Go ahead, let me have it.)

10. “The Young and the Viewerless” (Aug. 29, 2005)
This is the most recent column on the list. The idea was that I, a non-viewer, would watch one random episode of “The Young and the Restless,” summarize it for the reader, and see if that one episode made me interested in watching the show regularly. For some reason I thought my summary of the show would be a lot funnier than it was. Turns out it’s just boring.

9. “Shutteth Up!” (Feb. 2, 1998)
I attended a BYU production of “Romeo and Juliet,” leading to this column in which I a) made lame jokes about Shakespeare in general, and b) expressed frustration with people who talk and make other noise in the theater. The Shakespeare jokes were straight from a column I’d written seven years earlier, when I was in high school, and it shows. The other stuff was just rant-y and generic.

It was almost a year ago that I told you of my attitudes toward spiders, and this week’s “Snide Remarks” column is a continuation of that theme. It is entitled “The Adventures of Spider and Man” and I do hope you enjoy it ever so much.

You might also take advantage of the space-age SnideCast® technology and listen to me read the column aloud. The SnideCast© is accessible right there on the page itself; you can also hear the podcast here, or subscribe to the podcast here.

On another topic, I caught “The Last Legion” over the weekend, and you can read my review if you want to. No pressure, though.

We’ve had some excellent comedies this summer, and now, as the season draws to a close, we’re favored with “Superbad.” It comes from the people behind “Knocked Up” and is every bit as funny as that film was. What a delightful pair of bookends for the summer!

Significantly less delightful is “The Invasion,” starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig. This latest incarnation of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” is mediocre at best.

Something called “The Last Legion” is also opening, but it’s one of Hollywood’s Shameful Secrets (i.e., they wouldn’t screen it for critics, which almost always means it’s bad). It’s about the last emperor of ancient Rome, and something about a special sword and a young boy and a wizard played by Ben Kingsley. It’s a prequel to the King Arthur/sword in the stone story, I think. It stars Colin Firth. I know: Colin Firth? Doesn’t seem right to me, either. Review to come this weekend.

Also in this week’s edition of “In the Dark”:

Prize-giver and fashion icon Joseph Pulitzer.

After reading “The Road,” I wondered if it was the first Pulitzer Prize for Fiction I’d ever read. Certainly it’s the first time I’ve read one so close to its winning: The awards were announced on April 16 of this year, and I read the book four months later.

Wikipedia has a handy list of Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winners. Note that before 1948, it was called the Pulitzer Prize for the Novel; those winners (1918-1947) are here.

It turns out I’ve read several. To wit:

“Middlesex,” by Jeffrey Eugenides.

“The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay,” by Michael Chabon.

“A Confederacy of Dunces,” by John Kennedy Toole.

“To Kill a Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee.

“The Old Man and the Sea,” by Ernest Hemingway. (Is it even possible to graduate from high school without having read “The Old Man and the Sea” at some point?)

“The Bridge of San Luis Rey,” by Thornton Wilder.

“Kavalier & Clay” and “A Confederacy of Dunces” are two of my most favorite books ever, and I quite liked the other Pulitzer winners I’ve read, too.

Which Pulitzers have you read? Which ones should I read? Discuss.

Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction this year and was on quite a few Best of 2006 lists. I have finally read it and can tell you it’s one of the most beautiful, emotionally devastating books I’ve ever read.

It’s set in a near post-apocalyptic future, where something (nuclear war, probably) has destroyed all animal life and most human life. A man and his little boy walk through the rubble, finding food where they can, avoiding marauders who would cannibalize them, hoping to find other survivors who can be trusted — other “good guys,” in the parlance of the man and the boy. They are good guys themselves, the man reassures his son, although it may be that the man is becoming less of a good guy as time passes and the situation becomes more desperate.

It is not a science-fiction or horror novel. We don’t learn what caused the devastation, because it’s irrelevant; that’s not what the book is about. McCarthy’s writing is spare all the way around. We don’t learn anyone’s names, nor specifically what part of the United States they’re wandering through. Only references to “the interstate” confirm that it even is the U.S.

McCarthy even writes largely without commas. Preferring to start a new sentence fragment where a comma would have gone. Mostly brief sentences like this. There are no chapter divisions. Contractions like “don’t” and “won’t” don’t get apostrophes. Dialogue does not have quotation marks. Usually I find tactics like these pretentious and annoying — “Ooh, look how modern I am! I don’t use punctuation!” — but it works here because it fits the stark desolation of the story. Everything has been pared down to its barest essentials.

The story itself isn’t particularly elaborate, but McCarthy’s vocabulary is; evidently the world’s thesauruses survived the apocalypse. What’s more, he writes beautifully, poetically, piercingly. It’s hard to cite individual passages. It’s more the overall effect. And when you boil it all down, it’s really just a story about the love between a little boy and his papa.

See what I mean about the k.d. lang thing?

My pal Scott Weinberg wrote something for Cinematical the other day where he was talking about Chris Sivertson, the director of the recent Lindsay Lohan fiasco “I Know Who Killed Me.” In the course of this, he mentioned that Sivertson’s last film, “The Lost,” premiered at South By Southwest last year, and I realized: I totally saw that movie! And I totally hated it!

I had glanced at Sivertson’s IMDB page while writing my review of “I Know Who Killed Me,” but “The Lost” is a rather nondescript title, and it didn’t register that I had seen it. It wasn’t until Scott mentioned the SXSW connection that my brain caught up.

And then I realized that I once corresponded with Sivertson! And he was kind of cool!

In my 2006 SXSW Film Festival Diary (Day 5), I said this about “The Lost”:

One organization I’ve frequently enjoyed mocking in “Snide Remarks” is PETA, and one such column is this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic. It’s called “Pet Peeves” and it’s from May 25, 2003.

Funny news stories about animals, and PETA. That’s a fine combination, folks.

(For the record, this was the fourth time I had written a column about PETA. The other three were here, here, and here. Enjoy!)

An Instant Messenger exchange between my brother Jeff and me:

JEFF: [Someone we know] is very much like that [other] weiner, in that she dances from one subject to another without ever addressing the criticisms of what she says.

ME: Yeah, that’s true.

JEFF: In addition to the obvious similarity of both being idiots.

ME: And wieners.

JEFF: Is that how you spell it?

ME: I before E, my friend.

JEFF: I know that’s the general rule.
JEFF: I guess wiener is the one word in the English language I don’t know how to spell.
JEFF: I knew there must be one.

ME: Wow.
ME: I’m glad we found it.

JEFF: It used to be asphalt.

ME: It’s too bad it’s not an exception to the I before E rule… then the mnemonic device to remember them all could be, “The weird foreigner seizes neither leisure nor weiners.”

JEFF: Totally.
JEFF: For that reason alone, I propose an official change.

ME: I don’t even know who to write to about that.
ME: The Queen?

JEFF: Ms. Miriam Webster.

ME: Good one.

Oh, this is rich.

On April 15, 1994, Dick Cheney was asked about the United States’ actions during the Gulf War three years earlier — specifically, whether we should have pressed on into Baghdad and toppled Saddam Hussein then, as some people had wanted or expected.

Here’s what Cheney said (transcript after the clip):

Whoever said Marc Anthony looks like this guy is a liar.

Readers have posted some interesting comments on my review of “El Cantante.” Four people (so far) have completely misunderstood my very easy-to-understand review, one just seemed really angry, and another went off the deep end entirely.

“El Cantante” is a biopic about Hector Lavoe, a salsa singer who started in New York in the 1960s, rose to fame in the ’70s, and burned out in the ’80s. What I said about the movie was that it failed to “show us why the performer was so beloved.”

I went on: “To put it bluntly: Why should I care who Hector Lavoe was? ‘El Cantante’ does nothing to answer that question.”

My intention was not to say that Hector Lavoe wasn’t worth knowing. The opposite, actually: He probably has an interesting story, and there were probably some excellent reasons for his popularity. But the film fails to convey any of that.

The first comment came from Eddie, and he wrote very thoughtfully and sincerely.

This week’s “Snide Remarks” is the latest installment of a regular feature, “Ask Eric Stuff 28.” The SnideCast® technology at the top of the column will allow you to listen to it if you don’t like reading; the podcast does exactly the same thing except on your iPod. Or you can use your eyes to scan the words visually, the way the good Lord intended.

Also, there’s been an update on the situation discussed in last week’s column, about the boys who might do 10 years in jail for smackin’ some girls’ booties. On Friday, the district attorney dropped the sexual abuse charges against the boys, which means the possibility of being registered sex offenders for the rest of their lives is gone. They still face the misdemeanor harassment charges, but at least some progress has been made.

And finally, if you were wondering how bad “Skinwalkers” is, you can read my review of it here. I gather no one was interested in seeing it anyway, though, since it made only [Edit: Final figures are in and are slightly higher than estimated; here are the correct numbers] $753,520 over the weekend. Its per-screen average was $1,011. Figuring each theater showed it five times a day, or 15 times over the weekend, that’s $67.40 per showing. The average ticket price in America is $6.55, so that means an average of 10 people attended each screening. Not very encouraging for the folks behind “Skinwalkers.”

Let us pause to appreciate Michelle Pfeiffer. She did not appear onscreen for five years, from 2002’s “White Oleander” until this summer. And now, suddenly, she is in two of the most genuinely delightful movies of the year — “Hairspray” and “Stardust,” which opens today.

“Stardust” is a lot of fun all the way through, and Pfeiffer — as a witch who we see in various stages of ugliness — is fantastic. Her role in “Hairspray” is small and tasty; in “Stardust,” it’s bigger and even tastier. Also, not for nothin’, but she’s 49 years old and looks gorgeous. Hooray for Michelle Pfeiffer!

Boo, meanwhile, for Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan in “Rush Hour 3”! Tucker has literally not done a single thing since “Rush Hour 2,” a full six years ago. What drew him out of seclusion? A great script? Of course not. It was his $20 million paycheck and a deal promising him 20 percent of the movie’s profits. There might be someone, somewhere in the world who does a job worthy of $20 million, but I’m pretty sure a guy recycling Eddie Murphy’s “Beverly Hills Cop” shtick isn’t him.

Jackie Chan, for his part, continues to not speak English very well.

“Daddy Day Camp” opened Wednesday and I don’t wish to discuss it.

Finally, “Skinwalkers” opens today after having its release date pushed back a couple times, and after not being screened for critics. It’s about werewolves. How many red flags do you need? If only they’d used Michelle Pfeiffer! We’ll have a review later.

All of this and more is in “In the Dark,” the weekly e-mail that I send out to nice folks such as yourselves. It’s also in the “In the Dark” podcast, which you can listen to here or subscribe to here.